(IN DISTINCT CHATTERING)
Five minutes, my little lambs.
Has anyone seen Bliss Cavendar?
Pash , this can't be happening .
(LAUGHING)
WOMAN: Why aren't you backstage, Brooke?
You know how it is.
They get to a certain age, they don't want you back there.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
She said she'll meet me here.
Really? That's odd . Mmm-hmm , mmm-hmm .
PASH: It says "temporary."
It did a minute ago, I swear.
My mom is gonna kill me.
(APPLAUSE)
(PIANO PLAYING)
EMCEE: Now, Miss Amber Black.
If I could have dinner with anyone, it would have to be God .
Because what they say is true. God is great.
(APPLAUSE)
Don't tell them that I did it, okay?
Those are the rules, you're not allowed to tell .
(EXCLAIMING)
Let go. I'm your only friend .
Corbi Booth , ladies and gentlemen .
If I could have dinner with anyone, it would have to be my grandfather.
I love you , Papa.
(APPLAUSE)
And now, also from Bodeen , Miss Bliss Cavendar.
(PIANO PLAYING)
(PIANO STOPS)
If I could have dinner with anyone,
it would be Amelia Earhart,
because not only was she a ploneer of aviatlon ,
but she was a great woman in history.
Thank you .
(PIANO PLAYING)
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
So enlighten me. What was that little stunt all about?
Are you trying to sabotage your chances?
Or was it just your blological urge to make your mother look like a jackass?
It was just a dare.
Oh . How did that work out for you?
Not so great?
(EXCLAIMS) Corbi .
Congratulatlons, honey. Well-deserved .
Thank you . Thumbs way up.
Thank you , Mrs. Cavendar.
Bliss is so hard to beat. Usually.
Well , the Blue Bonnet pageant is right around the corner.
And we'll be there. Come on , honey.
Oh . See you later. See you .
I'm sorry that these pageants
don't live up to your high moral standards, Bliss,
but there's a lot you can learn from them ,
no matter what you go on to be in life.
You think you're being judged up there on that stage,
but no one's asking you to be Miss America.
I wanna be Miss America.
And you're gonna be the best one ever, sweetheart.
Teeth .
Eyes.
Trudy, bless your heart for fitting us in .
Well , hell . Shit happens.
Let me get my foils.
BROOKE: Now, what were you thinking , getting blue hair?
ANNOUNCER ON RAD!O: Fourteenth drive in the red zone.
They have now given up nine touchdowns
and three field goals. We'll see how this one ends up.
He's only had one takeaway in the red zone.
Hey.
(LAUGHS)
I won another one.
Lord , child , you are unstoppable.
And had I known what you were up to, I would have bought a ticket.
BROOKE: Earl .
I mean , dang it, girl , what has gotten into you?
J ust defective, I guess.
BROOKE: N ice parenting , Earl .
Come on , now.
Ooh , I'll see you later.
(CH UCKLES)
WOMAN : Dinner.
Serlously, out of all the places to go to in the world ,
who would come to Bodeen?
PASH : Them . I mean , they're smart,
at least they just pass through .
BIRDMAN : Go ahead and mock it.
But without the Blue Bonnet factory, this town wouldn't exist.
You know what, Birdman ,
I think I preferred you before you got promoted .
You know, now you're all corporate.
I know. I miss the old Birdman . Yeah .
Ladies, don't let the tie fool you . I'm still one of us.
But y'all are gonna have to start calling me Dwayne now.
It's more dignified . No.
Birdman is the only thing you have going for you .
(TRUCK APPROACHING) That's what you think.
BLISS: Really?
PASH : Yeah .
PASH : Hey.
Make sure they tip you this time.
Hey, what can I get you guys?
Hey, Corbi .
So what are you , like, alternative now?
Alternative to what?
What's the name of that thing that if I eat it real fast, it's free?
That's the Squealer. You have to eat it in three minutes or less.
Yeah , you bring me a Squealer.
And I don't mean Corbi .
(LAUGHS)
(SQUEALING)
BOY: Let's go, buddy, pick it up. Come on, come on.
Oh, yes. You got it, you got it.
PASH: I can't believe you used to share a bed with her.
Baby, baby, get it, yeah.
You make it sound very dirty. It was just sleepovers.
Come on. Come on. Baby, do it. Do it.
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.
Come on. Come on, Colby! Yeah.
That's my man. Come on, Colby.
(ALL CHEERING)
(GRUNTING)
It's free, bitches. It's free. It's free.
I was thinking
maybe we could go to Austin and do some shopping.
Really?
BOTH: (SINGING WITH RADlo) Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
...them a sense of pride to make it easier
You hate them.
Well, they don't have duct tape on them. That's an improvement.
Hi.
Thanks.
Ooh !
Pretty vases.
(MALE CLERK LAUGHING)
MALE CLERK: They're great for tulips, really.
Um. . .
Thank you. Yup, I changed my mind.
No, please, Bliss. Come on.
Don't. . . Don't be embarrassed.
It's funny.
I'm supposed to buy you shoes from a head shop?
Does that really strike you as responsible parenting?
Fine. 'Cause shoes are a gateway drug.
For gosh sakes, Bliss.
(PHONE RINGING)
ANNOUNCER ON TV: It goes out of bounds near the 42 yard line.
There is a flag down.
Yeah, it's Earl. BROOKE: Hello, Earl.
Can you please explain to your daughter
why it's inappropriate to buy shoes in a head shop?
Dad, it's not like that.
(LAUGHING) You took your mother to a head shop?
Are you off your nut?
You know, if she wasn't here and I used my own money,
it wouldn't make a difference. That's not the point.
Look, I am in the middle of a deal here, okay?
So whatever you all work out is fine with me.
Give me that. Okay?
Earl, do you know how hard I have worked
to raise these girls in a drug-free environment?
Yes, I do. Exactly.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Hi. Hey, girls. What's up?
Hello. Dropping my flyers off.
Perfect. Hurl Scouts-Holy Rollers.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
See you then. Thanks, girls. Bye.
Come on. All right, let's go. Come on.
BLISS: Screw you and your grandma's Chevy Celebrity.
(CHUCKLES)
Here.
No, what are you doing? Yes, yes, yes. You got stiffed
on your tips again, just take it. No.
Just take it, take it. No.
What is this? What is this?
Roller derby?
This is. . . This is tomorrow.
This is in Austin.
Yeah, I know.
Will there be cute boys there?
(BOTH CHATTERING)
Hey, Mom, Dad, we're gonna go to a football game.
It's an away game, but. . .
The team kind of needs us.
No, no, no, not "kind of," they do.
EARL: Well, sure.
Hey, I'll tell you what, I'll take you.
No, it's cool. You have your car.
Yeah, I have my car.
No, but I mean, you know, we can watch together.
Earl, let the girls go on and have their fun.
And then you and I can nuzzle.
(BOTH GASPING)
I kind of feel bad lying to them.
I don't. I give my parents straight A's.
I get freedom.
(SCREAMING)
(SHEENA IS A PUNK ROCKER PLAYING ON RADlo)
(SINGING) She's a punk punk, a punk rocker
Punk punk, a punk rocker
(SCREAMING)
Well, the kids are all hopped up and ready to go
They're ready to go now They've got their surfboards
And they're going to the discotheque a-go-go
But she just couldn't stay
She had to break away
Well, New York City really has it all
Oh, yeah
Don't say I never gave you anything.
Sheena is a punk rocker
(CROWD CHEERING)
Okay, everybody, and welcome to skate night at the Warehouse.
I'm a little hung-over tonight, so I...
Anyway, let me introduce you to our first team.
Coming to you from the streets of Austin,
men, hold on to your cookies, it's the Hurl Scouts.
Number 99, captain of the Hurl Scouts, Maggie Mayhem.
Number 69, Bloody Holly.
Number 3, Rosa Sparks.
Number 2, Smashley Simpson.
Razor Magee's Hurl Scouts have come in last place three years running.
This league has five teams, each with their own theme.
What outlaw do we have skating against the Hurl Scouts
this fine Texas evening here?
I'm talking about the girls so bad that even God can't keep them in line.
Give it up for the undefeated Holy Rollers.
Last season's champs are led by their captain,
the league's leading scorer, Iron Maven.
Yeah, she's the one from the flyer.
I'm feeling hot in these polyesters right now, baby.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's play some roller derby.
(BLOWING WHISTLE)
A jammer scores a point in this course
by passing members of the opposite team.
Maven gets a great jump. That's fast.
And she's out to an early lead.
Iron Maven, ladies and gentlemen.
Folks, the ones to watch tonight are the jammers.
Those are the ones with the stars on their helmets.
Some of you might remember watching derby on TV back in the '70s,
but it was reborn right here in the heart of Texas,
a true Austin traditlon.
Maven's heading up on the outside but it's real crowded in there.
(GRUNTS) That's a big hit by Rosa Sparks.
Jackie Daniels is down.
Lucky for the Hurl Scouts this is only an exhibitlon bout
because the Rollers are in control.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKER)
(CROWD CHATTERING)
MAN: Thank you, Maggie.
I just wanna tell you all that you're my new heroes.
It's your first time here?
Yeah.
Well, put some skates on, be your own hero.
(LAUGHS)
The last time I wore skates, they had Barbies on them.
Hey, you know, none of us knew our ass from an elbow pad when we started.
You should come to tryouts on Tuesday.
You have to be 21 . You're 21 , right?
Two. . . I'm 22.
Yeah, I just had my. . . I had my birthday, so. . .
Great, it's this Tuesday at 5:00.
It is? Yeah.
I'm Maggie, Maggie Mayhem.
I'm Bliss, but I can change that.
Yeah, you'll have to change that.
Don't be late.
"Twenty-two. Just had my birthday."
Twenty-one, it's a red flag.
Twenty-two's way more believable.
I guess, 'cause you're not actually gonna do it, so I guess it makes sense.
Why don't you and I try out?
Excuse me?
I didn't have a Barbie-roller-skating phase. Okay?
I had a fat-kid-sits-inside- and-reads-a-book phase.
You know that.
Well, what makes you think I won't try out?
(CLEARS THROAT)
(CHUCKLES) Because you'd be scared to go without me.
And those roller derby girls, they're tough.
And you are not. Ow!
Geez. How dare you?
Not to mentlon your mom.
She doesn't have to know.
You don't have the balls.
I can grow the balls.
(WHIMPERING)
No way.
Mmm.
Hey.
Do you have room for one more?
I like your hair.
Thanks, hon. I do it myself.
DRIVER: All right, next stop, downtown Austin.
DERBY PLAYER 1 : Hey. DERBY PLAYER 2: Hey.
What's your derby name?
Pocket Rocket.
What's yours?
Jaba the Slut.
Hey, you made it. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm glad you came.
Thanks.
What is that?
That would be Razor. He's our coach.
He's a good guy. And he really knows his derby.
All right, ladies. Let's roll.
Ooh, jean shorts.
Every single day.
(METAL BANGING)
Meet the Manson sisters.
Gift from the Ottawa Women's Hockey League to the Hurl Scouts.
They both seem really aggressive.
Maybe we can finally win a few this year.
Maybe.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
All right, listen up, fresh meat.
There's a lot more to derby than fishnets and picking out a tough name.
This is a sport.
Now, the league has six spots open.
So whatever shred of talent you have,
hope you leave it out on the track for me today.
Okay, what is it?
Sorry.
Just what are the rules?
Derby 1 01 , people.
Four blockers from each team are lined up on the track.
Ten feet behind them,
two jammers are lined up, one from each team.
We're the ones who score.
First whistle blows and the pack takes off.
Then a second whistle blows and the jammers take off.
Some of us faster than others.
Once the jammer breaks through the pack,
she hauls ass around the track a second time and tries to score.
For every player on the opposing team the jammer passes,
she gets a point.
Most points wins the game every single time.
Now, line up and get you some.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Get up.
Go, ladies. Move it.
Up, up, up. Go.
Looking good, Barbie.
It's roller derby, not cotilllon.
Come on, put a hit on somebody.
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
God damn it, Diane.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Hey. That move will get you tossed from a game.
There's no place in this sport for that.
What?
Okay. Sorry.
But I like the aggresslon.
Is it bad?
Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.
No. Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.
Forty-one, gotta improve on that. 39, 32, not bad.
Twenty-nine. Let's go.
(EXHALES)
Twenty-three?
Looks like you've got some competitlon.
Yeah, yeah, wake me when she learns how to throw a hit.
(EXCLAIMING)
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
Or take one.
Hey, you're Iron Maven.
That's right, kiss-ass.
Why don't you suck up a little harder?
There's still part of your face that doesn't have doodie on it.
MAVEN: Nice shorts. BLISS: Help.
Can somebody help me? I. . .
Just kidding.
Hey, by the way, you made it, you're a Hurl Scout.
Nice work out there.
(CAUGHT UP IN YOU PLAYING)
(SINGING) I never knew there'd come a day
(CAR HORN HONKING)
When I'd be saying to you
"Don't let this good love slip away..."
Your feet are on fire. They're on fire.
Serlously, look, they're on fire.
You're changing your schedule?
Well, I have to. You know, for practice.
Don't leave me alone with Birdman.
You can change yours to mine.
I can't. I'm actually taking an SAT class, remember?
(BELL RINGING)
So caught up in you, little girl
That I never did suspect a thing
So caught up in you, little girl
That I never want to get myself free
(EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHING)
You caught me Baby, you taught me
How good it could be
BROOKE: Shania, I am not cleaning Salisbury steak sauce off of that fringe again.
Hey, I just wanted to let you guys know
that I'm gonna change my work schedule
to Mondays, Wednesdays,
'cause I wanna take an SAT class on Tuesdays, Thursdays.
I'm impressed.
Me, too.
I like smart girls, that's why I married your mama.
Well, that and I knocked her up.
So caught up in you, little girl
You're the one that's got me down on my knees
So caught up in you, little girl
That I never want to get myself free
And, baby, it's true
You're the one
Who caught me Baby, you taught me
How good it could be
Fill your days and your nights
No need to ever ask me twice
Oh, no
Whenever you want me
Shouldn't. . . Shouldn't we, like, be practicing soon?
Yeah, hurry up, you guys, we don't wanna be late.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Careful, Pee-Wee here might get the idea we actually win.
You don't? Hell, no. Never.
All that "We're Number 1 " corporate crap doesn't apply.
Our bad attitude's an asset here.
Okay, ladies. Check it out.
Hot off the presses, brand new playbooks compiled by yours truly.
Your hands clean?
Yes, my hands are clean.
Pay particular attentlon to Play Number 3.
I think it's gonna blow your doors off.
Smashley, you're late as per usual.
I know.
Well, then you must also know that there's nothing cool about being late.
Hey. . . RAZOR: Let's hit the track.
Who's up for Lovejoy's later tonight? $2 pitchers. Beer?
SMASHLEY: I'm in.
ROSA: Me, too.
I'm in.
You weren't invited.
I'm still in.
There's no such thing as a scrimmage.
We practice the way we play.
Maven, you know what to do.
Bliss, show me something good.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
You ready? (SCOFFS) Am I ready?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
RAZOR: Let's go, ladies. Skate.
Don't block your own player, let's go.
Crossover the turn, stay low. Crossover the turn.
Bend those knees. Bend those knees. Bend those knees.
BLISS: Ow!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
What the hell was that?
You had Maven beat, but she smoked you
'cause you're too scared to throw a hit.
And then you quit.
I need you to be a lot more. . .
I want you to start being a lot. . . Ruthless.
Yeah.
That's right, you little peanut, I need you to be ruthless.
This is a contact sport, Bliss.
Eventually I'm gonna need you to make contact.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Next group up. Back off, Razor.
MAGGIE: Just ignore him. SMASHLEY: We do.
Serlously.
I mean, he's right. I'm not cutting it.
You know what I like to think about before every game?
My ex.
Little piece of advice, Bliss.
Don't fall for your reglonal manager
and think that he's not gonna give you crabs
because he cheated on you, 'cause it happens.
And when I think about myself in the shower, using that special shampoo,
which, for the record, doesn't make anyone feel very special at all,
I really, really wanna hit somebody.
You have to find that thing that really pisses you off and you use it.
Have you ever had crabs?
No.
No. Okay. My doctor said it was really common, but. . .
B-man, come on. What do you say?
Pash has to come. You know, it's my first game.
Yeah, well, what about me?
I mean, did anybody bother to think,
"Hey, Birdman might appreciate hot girls in fishnets and roller skates
"beating the crap out of each other"?
No, they did not.
Do you wanna come, too?
Yeah, but I can't. I have a prlor engagement.
I'm covering for Pash.
(EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)
Yes. We love you. Birdman.
Yeah? You know we love you.
Thank you. We do. You know that, right?
Yeah, yeah. Not enough.
We're crazy about you.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
You can never have too much eyeliner.
Or LashBlast.
Here's a little gift from the team.
Safety is sexy.
You'll need these, too. Those are just sexy.
Guys, thanks.
Let the bout come to you. Let the bout come to you.
So, are you ready for your big debut?
Has anyone ever thrown up on the track before?
Yeah.
Let's get them. Kill them dead.
Skate fast, skate hard.
I'm gonna puke.
JOHNNY ON PA: During the day, they go by Peggy, Francine,
Tammy, and Rachael, but here...
All right, let the bout come to you.
Okay.
ALL: One, two, three, kick ass.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) And they're off.
Jamming for the Widows, Eva Destructlon against the Hurl Scouts.
Bloody Holly who makes her way out to the pack.
And, oh, she passes the block with a beautiful backward skating.
But wait a second, from out of nowhere,
Eva Destructlon shows up right on her tail.
Each girl the jammer passes, they get a point.
Pass a girl, get a point.
And she's gotten the first seven points of the game.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
And the Widows take the lead.
Hey, Black Widows, my spidey senses are tingling.
About to make a sequel in my pants.
Yeah, Spider-Man 3 and a Half?
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Yeah, it is three and a half inches wide.
(IMITATING TROMBONE)
Air trombone, yeah.
Nice jam, man.
That was amazing.
Thanks.
Yeah. Thank you.
Where did you learn to skate like that?
Well, I once tried out for the Olympics,
but that didn't exactly work out.
You gotta maintain the triangle configuratlon.
I've been over it and over it with you guys.
What do you want to do? Come on.
I don't need to do the triangle. I need to get up there and. . .
JOHNNY: It's the second quarter and we have Manson Number 1
jamming for the Hurl Scouts.
This is a rough contact sport.
These girls are lean, mean skating machines.
And they gotta go fast if they wanna get past the blockers
who are trying to knock them down.
And by "knock them down," I mean "beat them to a pulp."
Eva's gonna grab another four points,
bringing the Widows' score to 26 over the Hurl Scouts' 1 0.
Team captain Maggie Mayhem doing the honors for the Hurl Scouts, but... Oh!
Getting Widows jammer Honey Suckit back for that rail check
and Whiskey sweeps Manson Number 2 out of the way,
making room for Honey to widen the gap
to collect another three points there as we go into halftime.
That makes the score 29-1 0. Come on.
(HORN SOUNDING)
They say the Scouts have the most loyal fans,
and being the worst team in the league, Lord knows they need them.
Oh, Rosa Sparks, no, you didn't.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
God damn it.
JOHNNY: Okay, folks, the Widows have a pretty comfortable lead here
late in the game.
Hurl Scouts coach Razor
still sticking with Smashley Simpson as the jammer.
She's up against the Widows' speed woman, Honey Suckit.
Oh! The Widows' jammer hip-checks Smashley.
Well, our favorite Whole Foods checkout girl
is about to bag her some Honey. Hey.
(ALL CHEERING)
Clean-up on Aisle 5.
With time left for only one more jam, and the game out of reach,
Smashley Simpson is out of here.
Okay, you're in.
Show me why they call you Ruthless.
(EXHALES)
Go get you some.
Okay, Austin, get ready to meet your newest Hurl Scout.
Here she is, Number 22, the fastest thing on eight wheels, Babe Ruthless.
Babe Ruthless? All right. Go, Babe Ruthless.
(WHOOPING) JOHNNY: All right, it's the final jam of the night.
I like the taste of fresh meat.
And Razor, with nothing to lose, throws the rookie
into the last jam on her very first game.
And dang.
Babe Ruthless gets a double shove to the rail served up by Whiskey.
But she's back up like a Weeble.
Okay, okay, that's good.
She darts down the inside and heads towards the outside
and makes a run for it out of the pack.
Oh, but here comes Eva Destructlon, still skating strong,
hoping to ruin Babe's debut.
Ruthless is out of the pack. She's coming around for her points.
(WHOOPING)
That's my best friend. That's my best friend.
Rumor has it that Ruthless blew away the judges in speed trials,
and you could certainly see why tonight.
And now Manson Number 1 takes out Eva.
Feeling the heat Ruthless is bringing,
and she gets through for the score.
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
And Ruthless gets four points.
PASH: Go, Babe Ruthless.
Babe Ruthless scored the last four points of the game,
but the Widows take this one home.
Congratulatlons, you still suck.
(ALL WHOOPING)
That's great. Celebrate medlocrity. That's fantastic.
Yeah, it's all a big joke.
We came second.
You came second.
We came in second out of two teams. Nice.
ALL: (CHANTING) We're Number 2. We're Number 2.
ROSA: Razor, come on. You did good.
Well, I didn't throw up.
That'll do. Good thing.
Hey. Hey.
Oh, my God. I take back what I said about you not being tough.
You kicked ass. Really?
Oh, yeah. And I saw that guy you liked. You did?
Mmm-hmm. But then I lost him.
Bliss. Hey, Hot Tubs.
Oh, I can't. I gotta get home to my man.
No. Yes. Great game.
Yeah, man, that was good.
What's Hot Tubs? Yeah?
Oh, well, here at the Warehouse, he's Johnny Rocket.
But here he's "Hot Tub" Johnny.
Even though he's not allowed in, we started calling him "Hot Tub"
until he got us one.
Huh.
All right. Check it out.
No, that's the thing.
Coke? You swallowed?
(CHUCKLES) That's hilarlous.
Not in this lifetime, Johnny.
Or the next one.
Hey.
(LAUGHS)
(GRUNTS)
What's up, ladies?
Should we help him?
Nah. That's her fiance. He loves it. SMASHLEY: I love you.
That's my fiance. Hey.
(GRUNTS)
EVA: You know, there's some stuff I'm pretty sure I could teach you.
(CHUCKLES) Johnny.
MAN: Y'all check it out. He's not even in anymore, man.
(SINGING) ...I need you tonight, tonight
It's gonna be all right
'Cause you are in my sight
All night, all night
Tonight, tonight, all night
Hey, sweet thing, will you please bring
That one thing, it makes my heart sing
Why? 'Cause I need it
SMASHLEY: Hey, man, check this out.
That's not a bruise. That's a bruise.
SMASHLEY: Yeah, you look pretty good. That's nice, huh?
Pash?
(UNATTAINABLE PLAYING)
Nice choice.
Yeah?
Yeah, and I love this one.
So where you from?
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I hail from the bustling metropolis known as Bodeen, Texas.
Uh, the tiny town, right? Off of South 84?
That would be the one.
You live alone?
Roommate.
Me, too. Four of them.
Why Bodeen? If you don't mind me asking. What do you do there?
By day, I work at the Oink Joint.
But by night. . . MAN: Oliver. Oliver.
(LAUGHS) Oliver.
One second.
Oliver.
Get your ass down here. You left Jasper's guitar in your car.
All right, dill weed.
Shut up, douche bag.
Nimrod. Tampon.
Tool.
(SIGHS)
What are you doing in approximately five and a half minutes?
No official plans.
Great.
I'll go bring you something.
There she is. All by herself.
Hey. MAVEN: Don't fight it.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Let's get a beer.
Oh, my God.
Okay, you can make out with him. But that is it.
PASH: Who are you, my mother?
Pash?
(SQUEALS)
(LAUGHS)
Savage and I have been looking everywhere for you.
Yeah, I bet.
My belly hurts.
There's a storm in there.
It really does, though.
Come on. Hold on. Hold on. Let's get this.
(BURPS)
It's cool. I swallowed it.
No, come on. Just stick your fingers in your throat.
No, you stick your finger down your throat.
Pash. Have you ever thought about your parents making love?
Your dad's naked body?
What?
His balls jiggling.
(GRUNTS)
Sweaty. No.
(RETCHING)
That's not fair.
Could you get me a washcloth?
Yeah.
I'm sorry I ruined your kind of date.
But I want dirt.
His name's Oliver. It's a great name.
Yeah, if you like wayfaring Dickensian orphans.
(BLISS SIGHS)
You're gonna have to roll over. You smell like a dead goat.
(CHUCKLES)
Sorry.
(EXHALES) Ugh.
Hey, girl. How was the sleepover?
Fine.
BROOKE: Bliss, are you ready yet?
The Blue Bonnet brunch is in an hour.
Did you forget?
You think you have all the time in the world,
but there's not many girls who are both smart and pretty like you.
And I hate to admit it, but the pretty part doesn't last forever.
You got to make the most of what you have while you can.
Nobody tells you that.
Mom, you're still really beautiful.
Save your sarcasm for later.
How's your inspiratlon speech coming?
I'm working on it. You want me to read it?
Not yet. Later?
(JOLENE PLAYING ON RADlo)
(SINGING) Bodeen, Bodeen, Bodeen, Bodeen
Someone get me out of here, Bodeen
It's depressing in the sticks
I'm all over these racist hicks
And I'm jonesing for an Austin fix
Yeah. That's right.
Bodeen, Bodeen, Bodeen, Bodeen
(EXCLAIMS)
(THUDS)
BLISS: Oh, my God, it's him.
What do I do?
Go ask him if he wants a Squealer.
Are you stalking me?
No, ma'am.
I happen to be here in Bodeen on business craving some barbeque.
And, yeah, I'm stalking you.
Okay.
Can you take a break?
(PANTING)
You owe me. I wasn't even supposed to work today.
I love you.
Is this you?
(SIGHS)
Technically, it's my brother's band. But, yes, I am in it.
And I'll be taking that from you now.
Wow. From here it kind of looks like you're wearing a Stryper T-shirt.
Stryper? Yeah, '80s Christian heavy metal.
I mean, "In the name of Jesus, we rock."
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I suppose if it's in His name then.
What's this? What's this three milllon five hundred and. . .
Oh, that's nothing.
You wanna know? I wanna know.
It's a little thing called a high score.
At just the right. . . Go. Nice shot.
Is this what you do with all the girls?
You take them here to show off your skills?
Yeah. And it usually works, too.
Oh, yeah?
Maybe we should do something different.
(SINGING) Stars at night are big and bright
BOTH: Deep in the heart of Texas
I should probably get to practice.
Shit.
Um. . .
I think I might have lost my keys.
BLISS: Marco. Polo.
Marco.
Polo.
Marco!
Polo!
Found them.
Cool, I guess we can go now.
Oops.
I'm gonna kill you.
I'm gonna tear you up. I know.
I am going to. . .
I realize this. I realize this.
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
HOLLY: Holy crap, you guys. We almost won that one.
ROSA: Yeah, almost.
You know, Razor's play actually worked.
Man, maybe we ought to learn new plays.
What's up, Hurl Scouts?
That was so good out there.
It was really cute to see y'all trying so hard.
(LAUGHING)
I hate her.
Bliss. Yeah?
Remember all that stuff I said about winning not mattering?
Forget it.
I wanna beat that cocky bitch.
Me, too.
(ALL WHOOPING)
WINNING PLAYER: On my team. Yeah !
Look what Corbi did.
With all that combined brain power,
this is the best they could come up with?
BLISS: They got your freckles.
That they did.
(SQUEAKING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Hey, are you all right?
You can't do that.
She just did.
We deserve better villains.
JOHNNY ON PA: Just a few minutes gone by,
but the game is already falling into a familiar pattern,
giving the Fight Attendants an 1 8-to-6 lead.
Okay, ladies, we're getting beat, but we got the playbooks.
Time to show these Fight Attendants a few tricks of our own.
Let's run Play Number 3. Stampede.
Number 3?
Yeah. I think we only got to Number 2.
Like, one and a half.
RAZOR: You didn't learn a goddamn thing, did you?
What's it gonna take for you guys to pull it together?
You know what? That's it. Hold this.
Did he just take Number 3?
Come on. That's all I'm saying. Just skate on through.
Hey, what's up, Razor? Ready to forfeit?
Forfeit my ass. Run this play.
What do I look like? An idlot?
Anyway, I've got my own plays.
Here's $20. You know how little money I have.
You run the play. You don't score at least three points,
you got another 20 coming at the end of the bout.
(HORN SOUNDING)
Just run the play, Jeff.
You all right? Let's skate. Yeah.
Ladies, we've got a change of plan. What?
Hey, don't let that traitor throw you. Let's hit him where it hurts.
Did Razor just coach the other team or did my peyote just kick in?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
I don't even know what's coming on
'cause I don't know what's coming around the corner.
Fight Attendants are about to take on the sky.
Whoa! Holy crap, a 1 80 turn.
Kami Kaze makes her way through the rubble to score an easy four points.
Fight Attendants, 22, Hurl Scouts, 6.
Is that Play Number 3?
Works pretty well, doesn't it?
You suck.
HOLLY: You turncoat.
Want me to give them Play Number 4 now?
No.
Okay. Take a knee.
Okay. I wanna put what just happened behind us.
I know I've moved on. We're gonna run Play Number 2.
Fire and Smashley, you at least know the first half of that, right?
Yes.
Okay.
Then get out there and get you some.
Hey, Scouts. You mind finishing your little Family Feud huddie?
Survey says you're wasting our time.
Let's go ape shit.
(POT KETTLE BLACK PLAYING)
Yeah.
JOHNNY: Coming out of halftime and an alternate universe,
Coach Razor puts former figure skater Bloody Holly in the jammer positlon,
who launches furlously into the pack.
The team is on their game now, pushing Bloody to the front.
And she makes it through Bitch and Cookie Flake
grabbing a total of eight points for the Hurl Scouts.
Come on, come on.
The Hurl Scouts are catching up in points for the first time ever.
As this space oddity continues,
Babe Ruthless uses her speed to fly by...
Oh! Axels of Evil knocks her down.
But she's back up. Here they come around the turn.
A choreographed move from the Hurl Scouts.
Has to be from Razor's playbook.
That makes the score 58-58,
a first in the history of the Hurl Scouts.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but the Hurl Scouts are tied.
We got a tie game here, folks.
Oh, yeah? Oh, but Smashley goes down.
Really? Bitch. What the. . . No.
Ooh, watch out, Tammy. No. No.
Here comes Smashley.
Get off me, you psycho.
We've got two girls brawling on the track.
I don't know whether to break it up or break out the video camera.
Hell hath no fury like a woman fouled.
That's not legal.
By day, these ladies are your favorite waitresses, nurses, teachers,
but by night these girls give the crowd what they came for.
Smashley Simpson is out of here. We're only moments to go
and the Hurl Scouts have managed to squeak out in front.
We're at a 70-67. Hurl Scouts.
Okay, grab her wrists, hold on tight. Go.
Play Number 8. You ready for the whip?
Put your arm out, I'll be there.
JOHNNY: It's the final seconds of the game.
Manson ramps Cookie Rumble, and the Hurl Scouts attempt
a classic move in derby. Maggie.
Babe and Maggie go for the whip, and it's effective.
Nothing gives you speed like the whip.
(EXCLAIMING)
A whip. Ruthless is flying into the pack
while her teammates are doing a downright professlonal job
of clearing the way. She picks up one, two, three, four points.
Break out the merit badges. 74-67.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
The Hurl Scouts have finally won one.
(HORN SOUNDING)
Fight Attendants, this is your captain speaking.
It's gonna be a long, bumpy ride back to Loserville. So if you have your...
ALL: . . .you win the game. If you run the plays, you win the game!
How about them Hurl Scouts? Yeah. How about them Hurl Scouts?
Touche, ladies. Touche.
We got to run the plays. We run the plays, we win the game.
MAGGIE: We'll do our homework. Every time.
There're only 1 0 of them. It's not. . . Not rocket science.
Let's get those Holy Rollers.
BOTH: Yes.
(HIGH TIMES PLAYING)
OLIVER: (SINGING) I put a bomb in your fire
You say oh-oh-oh-oh
I put a bomb in your fire You say oh-oh-oh-oh
Murray. Murray. Murray!
(SINGING) There is a way to predict the outcome of people like you
You are a sheep in sheep's clothing and you know, you know
I am a-coming to get you You say oh-oh, oh-oh
There is a way to predict the outcome of...
Please tell me you did not shove Corbi Booth over a rail.
Actually, I did.
Corbi has a huge bruise on her leg.
I know that you're just too bohemian to care,
but she has to cheer tonight.
And she's gonna go through with it? What an athlete.
MRS. WEAVER: I'd like to speak to the parents alone.
JOHNNY: She's passing one, two, three girls. That's three points.
If you're still having trouble following the game, folks,
don't worry, you're not the only one.
(BUZZER SOUNDS) We'll keep track of the score for you.
You keep track of the fishnets.
This is a whole new Hurl Scouts on this four-game winning streak they're on.
They ain't playing scared, that's for sure.
(HORN SOUNDING)
Number 22 pulls it off again, earning another merit badge.
Looks like she's on her way to rookie of the year,
and I can't think of anyone in recent history more deserving.
Oh! They gave her the whip.
You wanted it and they gave it to you, folks.
You've been whipped.
(IMITATES WHIP CRACKING)
Nothing gives you speed like the whip.
And the Scouts, they go for another one,
inching even closer to a slot in the champlonship.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
(SINGING) And When you try to resist It's like ha-ha-ha-ha
There is no way around this tell me ho-ho-ho-holy roller
Can you feel my flame?
So my brother's been working on some dates.
And it looks like this tour thing is actually gonna happen.
That's really great.
Yeah, I guess.
Thirty-four days crammed into a crappy van with four other dudes.
Like a bathroom on wheels or something.
That's a long time.
No, it's cool.
Look, you'll be doing your thing, I'll be doing mine.
It'll go by fast, you'll see.
EARL: Hit it. Oh, yeah, baby. Yeah.
Go, go, go, baby. Yeah. I love it.
Oh, my God. Do it.
(EXCLAIMS) No, I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know.
(ANNOUNCER CHATTERING ON TV) Blisster? What are you doing?
I'm watching the game.
(LAUGHS)
That's what I tell the folks at work, I'm cutting out early.
I tell your mom I'm coming home late.
Dad, I'm not gonna tell her.
Why do you feel like you have to lie to her?
(SIGHS)
You gotta pick your battles with your mother
because she is a fighter.
(LAUGHS)
This Blue Bonnet deal means so much to her.
And I think it's really nice, you going along.
But you know there's more to life than beauty pageants.
You know that, right?
I'm aware.
All right. I'll shut up.
Can I have one?
No, you may not, but you can have a sip of mine.
(LAUGHS) Oh ! Go. He took it to him.
That was a nice. . . That was a good block.
Since when do you like football?
(BURPS)
I don't. I better go.
Hey. Listen up. Just a brief announcement,
then you get right back to your food.
The champlonship bout is November 1 2th.
(ALL CHEERING)
You got your flyers right there.
If the Hurl Scouts win one more game, we're in it.
Good luck with that.
Now I'd like to yield the floor to Miss Eva Destructlon.
Love you, Eva.
Thank you.
In the grand derby traditlon,
as you know, the new poster girl is revealed by a member of another team.
Sorry, Widows.
Suck on this, girls.
(HURL SCOUTS EXCLAIMING)
ROSA: Yes.
Very cute. Very cute indeed.
One for our team, man.
There she is.
Yeah, yeah. Make the face.
Make the face. Do it.
Yeah.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(ALL CHATTERING)
SMASHLEY: Exactly.
Congratulatlons, Ruthless.
Hey, Smash.
What's up, Maven?
Hurl Scouts. What up?
I just wanna congratulate you on your new poster child.
ALL: Yeah. Thanks.
Yeah, you worked hard for that, didn't you?
That's really kind of you.
Hey. HOLLY: Hey, hey. Hey.
You guys hang on a sec.
That's okay.
It's just a French fry. That's okay. SMASHLEY: Maven, man.
(LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(HURL SCOUTS LAUGHING) Yes! Yes!
Ruthless, yeah.
ROSA: Okay. I love it. HOLLY: I love it.
I like banana cream, but I like chocolate, too.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Food fight!
BROOKE: Gorgeous. Just beautiful.
How's your speech coming?
It's good.
Okay. Turn around.
(GASPS)
What is that?
Oh, it's. . . I tripped at work.
Are you okay?
It's a bruise. I can handle it.
It looks like it hurt. It's fine.
(SIGHS)
You got to be kidding me.
Oh, shit.
JOHNNY ON PA: This is an important game, folks.
This is the last game before the champlonship.
The winner today goes on to the big game.
And Ruthless is your lead jammer and she gets through.
And the Scouts score four points.
(BUZZER SOUNDS) The Hurl Scouts have won.
(WHOOPS)
Listen to how high my voice is. I need an hour of Oprah.
I'm like a woman. I need a white wine spritzer.
(SIREN WAILS)
POLICEMAN ON MEGAPHONE: By order of the fire marshal,
you are hereby ordered to evacuate the building.
JOHNNY: Well, this game is over, folks.
The Holy Rollers are already in the champlonship,
so now the Hurl Scouts will play the Rollers
in the champlonship game on November 1 2th.
Come on, man, roller derby is not a crime.
lllegally filling a warehouse
with too many people is. Wait here. I gotta go find Oliver.
Hey, hey, you two. I need to see your ID.
I was just leaving.
Look, you can show me your ID, or you can go to jail.
Young lady, what was that you just disposed of?
Seventeen, huh? Don't you think you're kind of far from home?
That's why I was leaving.
Yeah, good idea.
Hey. Hi. Come on.
What do you say? Cherry Slurpees to celebrate our last night?
I gotta find Pash.
(YOUR ARMS AROUND ME PLAYING)
(SINGING) I was slicing up an avocado
When you came up behind me
With your silent brand new sneakers
Your reflectlon I did not see
It was the hottest day in August
We were heading for the sea
For a second my mind started drifting
You put your arms around me
You put your arms around
From your mouth speaks your lovely voice
The softest words ever spoken
What's broken can always be fixed
What's fixed will always be broken
(NO SURPRISES PLAYING)
(SINGING) A heart that's
full up like a landfill
A job that slowly kills you
Bruises that won't heal
You look so tired-unhappy
Bring down the government
They don't They don't speak for us
Where the hell have you been?
We got a phone call from Pash's parents at about 3:00 in the morning.
That wasn't fun.
This is your SAT class?
Excuse me, what are you doing?
You can't do that. I paid for those.
Hey, you lied, kiddo, all right? That dog ain't gonna hunt.
Okay. All right, I screwed up.
I get it, but what was I supposed to. . .
Was I supposed to ask for permisslon?
I mean, you would have just said no.
You're damn straight, we would have said no.
What do you think
that the world thinks of those girls with all their tattoos?
Do you think they have an easy time finding a job?
Or getting a loan applicatlon?
Or going to a decent college?
I think it depends on the girl.
Or finding a husband?
No, you just limit your choices.
Serlously, you need to stop.
You really need to stop shoving
your psychotic idea of '50s womanhood down my throat.
And pageants? I mean, what have they ever done for you?
That's my point, Bliss.
I didn't have a mother
to navigate all my opportunities. Jesus Christ.
I am in love with this.
I mean, don't you get it?
It won't last.
In two or three years, it'll be over. This is a moment.
Well, how great is that?
You don't understand.
You will when you have to support yourself.
I do support myself.
No, you don't.
You buy shoes.
You're full of shit.
You know what, actually. . .
Hey.
Hey, you calm down, little lady.
Why don't you go back to your turtle shell
so you don't have to freaking confront anything?
(SNIFFLES)
You all right?
I just don't wanna talk about it.
Pash, come on.
You told me to wait for you.
I was so busy waiting for you that I didn't notice the cop
coming over to arrest me for an open container.
Shit, are you okay?
No, actually, I'm not okay, all right?
On top of everything, my parents decided to put a GPS in my car
so they can track my every goddamn move.
So what's your problem?
Hope the joyride with your boyfriend was worth it.
Wait, wait. How is this my fauIt, okay?
I didn't put that drink in your hand.
You know what? I'm ecstatic that you have this whole new life
and you have all new friends and it's great.
But I'm trying to get out of this armpit of a town just as much as you.
And last time I checked,
getting arrested is not the kind of extracurricular
that Ivy League schools are looking for.
Do you really think that this roller derby career of yours is going anywhere?
That's not what it's about.
Oh, yeah, right.
I'm sorry, Pash.
Thanks for letting me stay.
Anytime.
(RILEY GRUNTING)
That's Riley back there. He's my little man.
So that's why you never come out with us?
Yeah, he pretty much owns my ass. Don't you, Rile?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay, first stop, sitter. Then the Warehouse.
Ruthless, Ruthless, Ruthless.
Maven, Maven, Maven?
Hey, guess how old I am.
Twenty-seven?
Oh, that's sweet.
I'm 36.
Guess when I started skating.
I was 31 .
'Cause it took me that long to find one thing that I was really good at.
And you know what? I worked my ass off to get it.
Yeah, me, too.
It's too bad you're only 1 7.
What do you think the league is gonna say when they find that out?
Or your teammates, when they find out you've been lying?
That's gonna be rough. Maven, please. Look. . .
No, you look.
One day it will be your time, Ruthless, but it's not your time now.
And if I was you, I wouldn't even bother lacing up those skates.
(CRYING)
Fuck.
(PHONE LINE RINGING)
It's Oliver. I'm running with the bulls right now.
(BEEPS)
Hey, Oliver.
I just need to talk to you. I. . . I'm calling you from a payphone.
Look, I've left home.
I. . . You know, this. . . I don't. . .
I don't wanna do this on voicemail,
so maybe you can get me on Maggie's phone.
51 2-697-4998.
And then we can just. . . We can talk later. Okay, bye.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oink Joint. BLISS: Hey, B.
Hey, Bliss.
Is Pash there?
She's not here.
Yeah, okay. Bye.
If, you know, you hear a hint of pain in my voice
when I say that I've lost my best friend
to a gang of roller skating she-males
and that the only highlight of my night was serving corn to an old man
who can't even chew it, then I'd say you're wrong.
I'm happy.
Okay. That was odd.
Oddly glorlous.
SMASHLEY: Ruthless, what's up?
I just had something I wanted to tell you all.
ALL: Seventeen?
What if you'd gotten hurt?
Her parents could sue the league, you guys.
MAGGIE: I know.
We're in enough trouble with the fire marshal as it is.
Exactly. You know what? She can still play
as long as she gets permisslon from one of her parents.
I can't.
I'm not even living at home right now.
Well, even though you can't skate with us, and you're a big liar,
you're still a Hurl Scout.
Yeah, you could be our mascot.
(ALL LAUGHING)
SMASHLEY: Okay, go. HOLLY: Okay, okay, okay.
You can't understand until you have one. Everything changes.
Yeah, that's what my mom always says,
but you're not really like her, though.
Oh, I'm the cool aunt?
Yeah.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Why don't I just cut school and hang out with you guys today?
Bliss, I know what it's like to wanna do your own thing,
believe me, I do.
But maybe there's a way you can do it
without making your parents feel like crap?
What? I've just been thinking.
I think maybe you're being a little selfish with your mom.
Okay, no.
She's the one who has been shoving her agenda
down my throat since day one.
First of all, you're lucky to have a mom that even cares.
And just because she's wrong about derby,
doesn't mean she's wrong about every single thing.
And if Riley ever lies to me the way you lied to your parents,
he wouldn't even be able to run away 'cause I'd break his legs.
(RILEY GASPS)
I'm just kidding, honey. That was a joke.
(ALL LAUGH)
I am here for you,
but just because you've found a new family doesn't mean you throw the old one away.
Have a swell day at school, sweetheart.
You didn't see that, did you?
(COMPUTER KEYS CLACKING)
(HIGH TIMES PLAYiNG ON COMPUTER)
(SINGING) I put a bomb in your fire You say oh-oh-oh-oh
I put a bomb in your fire You say oh-oh-oh-oh
There is a way to predict the outcome of people like you
You are a sheep in sheep's clothing and you know, you know...
(SNIFFLES)
Please don't judge me right now.
Whoever he is, he doesn't deserve you.
Come here.
I feel sick.
I know you do.
I gave him everything.
No, don't say that.
No, it's true.
I did.
That's a lot to process.
She was wearing my Stryper T-shirt.
I just don't understand how he could do that.
Your T-shirt?
It's the only cool thing you own.
That you'd know about.
(CHUCKLES)
Stryper.
Mom, this isn't. . .
This isn't working.
I know.
You just make me feel so guilty.
That's not what I want.
I deserve it sometimes.
Well, I know I can go overboard sometimes.
But when the person that you love more than anything
tells you that you suck, it. . .
If you want me to do the Miss Blue Bonnet pageant, I will.
No, no, no, no. We're way past that.
No, it's not a big deal. I mean, we already got the dress.
Don't do it for me.
Fine, I'll do it for myself.
(DOOR OPENING)
Look who's back.
Hi.
Glad you're safe.
I shouldn't have said those things to you.
AIready forgotten, kiddo.
PASH: She's trying to look pathetic on purpose.
How long you gonna hold onto that grudge?
Thanks.
Pash, I'm sorry. You see, I just. . .
Come on.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I know.
Just keep. . . Keep saying it.
Yeah.
Over and over again, please.
Yeah, I will. I'll keep it up.
So what happened?
God. I just feel like such. . .
I'm stupid. I'm just. . . I feel so stupid for falling for it.
Yeah, that's why I like a good fondling, you know?
It's so much simpler.
Well, while you were off gallivanting, I. . .
I got some news.
What. . . What. . . What's. . .
I got into some colleges.
Wow!
My parents want me to go to Johns Hopkins,
but I think I'm gonna go to Columbia.
I know. I'm gonna see what it's like to live in New York for a little while.
That's amazing.
Do you still have his stupid jacket?
SHANIA: Did he turn into a handsome prince?
No, he stayed a Birdman.
But the worst part is, he's actually a good kisser.
Really good.
Congratulatlons are in order.
Uh, no. Let's not encourage this.
I like Birdman. He's nice.
Hey, Bliss. Somebody on the phone for you. A Maggie Mayhem?
Well, look at you.
I got a makeover.
Yes, you did.
Hello.
MAGGIE: Ruthless, it's the champlonship.
Don't even tell me you can't make it.
I can't.
Is it her mom? Let me talk to her. I'll knock her out.
Just tell your mom it's important.
The pageant is the same day as the game, and I can't.
Well, you have to try harder and you have to make it work. We need you.
SMASHLEY: Let me talk to her mom. Bye.
I'll kick her in her...
You're selling out.
(LAUGHING)
"Babe Ruthless."
JOHNNY: ...a classic move in derby.
Babe and Maggie go for the whip, and it's effective.
Nothing gives you speed like a whip. Look at Ruthless fly.
Excuse me, ladies.
I'm looking for Maggie, Maggie Mayhem.
(KIDS PLAYING)
Good pageant, y'all.
Love the dress, Amber.
EARL: We'll have to break through. SMASHLEY: I know.
What time is it?
Your gown is custom, huh? Yeah.
It's beautiful.
Thanks.
Your dress is nice, too, Amber.
Hey. Hey.
We need to talk.
Ma'am, put down the lip gloss.
Step away from the mirror.
(ALL LAUGHING)
What are you all doing here? Are you. . . Hey, man.
You're just springing this on me now?
I know the timing sucks,
but I've been thinking. You know, I'm not so bothered
by her playing this roller derby.
In fact, I think it's kind of neat.
I went on the website, they got Blisster's pictures all over.
And it looks like they're having a ton of fun.
Earl, we just spent a lot of money on a custom-made gown,
and you want her to just up and quit?
Yeah, but her team is in the league champlonships.
The game's tonight.
$800, Earl.
I can take losing the money.
I cannot take losing the chance for our kid to be happy.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
I love her. Yeah, she looks nice.
Really sweet. BROOKE: Bliss.
BLISS: You guys gotta hide, my mom's coming.
Bliss. Serlously. You guys have to hide.
BLISS: Hey.
BROOKE: Bliss.
Your daddy is about to come in here and tell you that he thinks it's okay
for you to go off and play roller derby.
I don't agree. Mom.
When you told me that you weren't doing the Miss Blue Bonnet for me,
did you mean it?
Well, good luck.
Come on, ladies. What are we waiting for?
SMASHLEY: Ready to play.
Okay.
Wait. One more thing.
HOLLY: Yeah. Come on, let's go. SMASHLEY: Good luck, Amber.
Step it up.
(CROWD CHATTERING)
That's when. . .
Hi.
I got it.
We just got back into town. I came straight over.
I probably still smell like the van. But. . .
I went on your website and saw some girl wearing my Stryper T-shirt.
Oh, that girl. . .
She just climbed into our van,
threw on your shirt. She was an idlot.
You know, I don't wanna be this girl.
What girl?
I don't wanna be the girl that has to stand here
and hear about what didn't happen between you and some idlot.
You don't. And this is bullshit, anyway. I didn't cheat on you.
But you never called, okay?
Okay.
I know I should've called, but there was no privacy in the van.
And then I got your message and. . .
I would've called.
My mom wants her shirt back.
That's right, I'm back.
Thanks a lot for outing me. That was a class move.
I didn't out you. I never said a word.
I was just messing with you.
I don't wanna beat your ass with rumors.
I wanna beat your ass on the track with my skates.
JOHNNY ON PA: It is happening tonight, folks.
There they are, the coaches shaking hands,
being nice and diplomatic
right before the craziest match that we will ever see here.
Oh, I love it, Austin.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen,
we're talking about the one and only Iron Maven
versus the upstart from the heart of Texas, Babe Ruthless.
Yes.
(BLOWING WHISTLE)
Our jammers, Ruthless versus Maven
head-to-head, the teams' two top stars.
As they approach the pack,
Ruthless seems to be having an easier time finding an opening,
slithering through like a proverbial snake in the grass.
There's Babe Ruthless, Iron Maven, neck and neck.
They've been after each other the whole time. Oh!
That's a hip check right there.
You don't see Maven taken down like that too often.
Did you see that? Call it.
That was illegal. What are you talking about?
It's a clean hit.
That was illegal. Just call that shit.
Calm her down.
I'll show you ruthless, Ruthless.
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
JOHNNY: It's the second quarter, folks.
We got Babe Ruthless jamming against the Rollers' Jackie Daniels.
Finally, I made it to the promised lands.
Okay, don't embarrass me now that you're here, all right?
Never.
Go, Bliss. Go!
Go, Babe Ruthless!
Go!
JOHNNY: Babe Ruthless coming in to the pack,
but she's having trouble getting out.
That tiny pipsqueak finds a hole, but not as fast as Jackie Daniels
breaks out of the pack, becomes the lead jammer.
Rollers just picked up four more points, bringing the score 24-1 1 ,
Rollers in the lead.
(EXCLAIMS)
Slaya takes down Smashley.
Oh, but the Mansons grab those wings
and Smashley flies after Slaya like a bat out of hell.
You just clotheslined me, man.
(MOCK SOBBING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
JOHNNY: Princess Slaya, feeling the force now.
That's gonna hurt tomorrow in a galaxy far, far away.
Listen. You play smart, stay aggressive.
Don't leave any holes for them to slip through, all right?
Bliss, this may be time for Play Number 4.
LBJ. Knock them out.
JOHNNY: Coach Razor throws Ruthless in the jammer's seat
as she makes her way through the pack.
Look, she gets a hand from Bloody Holly and slingshots out front.
This could be big.
And one of the Manson sisters sends Maven hard into the rail.
Maven can yell all she wants, but she can't hear you.
No, serlously, she can't hear you. She's deaf. So...
I'll tell you what. The Holy Rollers have got to lay some hits on Ruthless
if they're gonna have any hopes of stopping her,
otherwise she's just too quick.
All the Scouts dive-bombing the Rollers, clearing the path.
Not one schoolgirl left standing.
But we are tied as we go into the halftime.
Ladies and gentlemen, that was a game-changing down.
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
(HORN SOUNDING)
ROSA: Okay, Razor, what's next? Tell us what to do.
We're gonna run Play Number 7, Rose of San Antone.
Hey, Smashley, if the play was called Bong Water,
would you be paying attentlon right now?
You know what, I'm taking you out and putting Ruthless in.
No. My head is in the game.
Then get out there and prove me wrong.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
JOHNNY: Slaya hip-checks Smashley into the rail.
She's up and over and she's crowd surfing.
And Smashley Simpson is back on the track.
Slaya and Smashley have been at this all season, folks.
And it looks like Smashley is speeding towards revenge.
I hope the medic is ready
'cause it looks like Slaya's about to get a rainbow special.
This game's about to get ugly, folks.
Wait, I don't believe this.
Smashley goes for the points instead of the beatdown...
That is for you, Razor! ...and picks up four for her team.
Okay, we're running Play Number 1 0, Piece de resistance.
Get back out there and win it.
All right.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) Let's go, you know what to do. Get you some.
JOHNNY: The game's still too close to call,
but the Scouts may have some tricks up their sleeves.
Looks like they're forming a wall. Kaboom!
The entire Rollers team is down as Ruthless flies through.
Wait, out of nowhere, Jackie Daniels...
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(GRUNTS)
(CROWD CLAPPING)
JOHNNY: She's okay. She's okay. That little munchkin's a trouper.
Give it up, folks.
(ALL CHEERING)
Let's remember that derby is a brutal sport.
We've seen our fair share of sprained ankles and broken bones,
fishnet burns and black eyes.
(HORN SOUNDING)
It's the final jam.
Two points deciding Austin's fate.
Let me hear you, folks. Give it up for these girls.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
It's Iron Maven versus Babe Ruthless.
Would you have it any other way?
The Mansons play Maven in the middle of a patented cage move.
They're calling for the whip, and they just might get what they want.
They got it.
Go, Maven.
Ruthless gets out first.
And now as she gets a hand from Bloody Holly...
No, Maven sneaks out from the inside and is heading for the lead.
But wait, the Manson sisters line up. A double leg whip.
Ruthless is surging ahead. She can taste the victory.
But no.
(WHISTLE BLOWING) That's it.
Iron Maven brings down the anvil.
The Holy Rollers remain undefeated
and are league champlons yet again.
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
The Holy Rollers are champs.
Undefeated three years in a row. Unbelievable.
What a game.
You gotta take your hat off to both teams, ladies and gentlemen.
As for the Hurl Scouts, there's always next year.
But this year it's a three-peat for the Holy Rollers,
once again, three-time champlons.
I'm sorry, Razor.
Sorry, my ass. You were great.
Still, who do they love the most?
Did you see that leg whip?
How about that jump by Ruthless?
Smashley's dive was hall of fame.
Yeah ! Holy Rollers!
ROSA: We did it.
ALL: (CHANTING) We're Number 2. We're Number 2.
We're Number 2.
Ladies, just seeing you guys run the plays,
I can't tell you how good that makes me feel. It's. . .
MAGGIE: Razor, are you gonna cry?
No, I'm not gonna cry.
It's just it's such a long time coming.
I think he might cry.
Hurl Scouts on three.
ALL: One, two, three. Hurl Scouts.
Nice jump, EveI KnieveI.
Thanks.
Maybe I'll teach it to you sometime.
Really?
Okay.
JOHNNY: Listen, folks, it's been another great year
at the Texas Roller Derby League.
I've enjoyed the ever-loving shit out of you. I hope you have, too.
Come out next year, and we'll do it all over again.
And if you would, this is a residential neighborhood,
so please don't be too loud as you head out.
And whatever you do, don't drink and drive.
All right, thank you, Austin.
I love you. I'm out of here.
BROOKE: This is your daughter's playing card. Might wanna buy it.
Actually, how much are these?
3.
3 each? Yeah.
It's a piece of cardboard.
Yeah, they support the. . .
How much for the shirt? Earl.
I'll tell you what, kiddo, I've seen some ballgames in my time,
but this. . . This was even better.
I really didn't think you were going to come.
I'm really glad you did.
That was scary.
I. . .
I can't change what you're gonna do, can I?
Probably not. I really wanna do this.
I want to move to Austin,
and I need to know that you can accept that.
That's gonna be a hard one.
In poetry, if. . . It has to be midnight 'cause. . .
(DOORBELL RINGING) I know. Okay.
Hi, Mrs. Cavendar.
Hi, Amber.
I just wanted to return the gown.
Thank you.
Oh, and Bliss left this at her statlon.
I wasn't sure if she still wanted it.
Thank you.
How did you do?
I came in second.
Good for you.
Bye. Bye-bye.
"The person I admire most
"is my mother, because she is a fighter
"who never gives up on what she believes in
"and she never gives up on me.
"Obvlously, I would be delighted to win the Blue Bonnet pageant.
"But knowing my mother is proud of me
"means more than any crown."
(HUMMING)
Earl.
Ronny.
(LOLLIPOP REMIX PLAYING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Wait. Turn the music up.
WOMAN: Roller derby is not a crime.
MAN: Come on, man. Roller derby is not a crime.
(SIREN WAILS)
(ALL CLAMORING)
(SINGING) Lollipop, lollipop...
Lollipop, lollipop...
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
Undefeated.
(HORN SOUNDING)
Ow!
(ALL LAUGHING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
How do I get out?
MAGGIE: There we go.
Get out. I can't do it. Do it for me.
(KNOW HOW PLAYING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Female Fight Club! Okay, all right.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(BRAYING)
(LAUGHING)
I love you. Oh, I love you.
(RAPPING) Some of the busiest rhymes ever made by man
Are going into this mike Written by this hand
Are coming out of this mouth Made by this tongue
I'll tell you now My name is Young
So you think that it's your destiny to get the best of me
But I suggest to be quiet, bro
Don't even try it from the east and west of me
Taking it and never breaking it or even shaking it
Hey, inbreeders, you're supposed to leave a tip.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(WHOOPS)
If Jack Black was working here. . . Is it Jack White?
He's sexy. I like Jack Black.
Here you go, baby. You have as much of that as you want.
Okay.
(LAUGHING) It's just so funny.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Hey.
Fishnets and sexy nicknames.
(RAPPING) I gotta make no errors, mistakes or blunders
It's like a wedding Let no man put asunder
My name is Young MC I like to rock mike well
'Cause when I get up on the mike I just release my spell
And I can do it 'cause I got know-how, You know I'm saying?
I got know-how
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Ow! Ow!
(SINGING) I found the greatest love
Of all's inside of me
(CHEERING)
(28 PLAYING)
(SINGING) Here it comes
Guess for years I have tried to calm
What's inside me but something's wrong
I don't know what to say
To give me away
The dream's the same
I'm alone on a moving train
Wake up here and I can't complain
And there's the first mistake I tried not to make
Next time around that's a habit to break
When I turn 28
Things are all gonna be great
At 28
So don't sit so close
Can't you see that I'm already yours?
Every day I've been living indoors
Tell them I was brave
Tell yourself the same
Tell everyone that I plan to go straight
When I turn 28
Things are all gonna be great
At 28
Oh, 28
They say that I will get used to the change
But I can't keep my eyes on the page
Shouldn't be writing these songs at my age
The candle's lit
Waiting patient for me to sit
But none of last year's clothes still fit
And I keep waiting for you to enter the room
I made my wish then to give it to you
When I turn 28
Things are all gonna be great
At 28
Tell everyone that they'll just have to wait
When I turn 29
Things are all gonna be fine
At 29
(NEVER MY LOVE PLAYING)
You ask me if there'll come a time
When I'll grow tired of you
Never my love
You wonder if this heart of mine
Will lose its desire for you
Never my love
What makes you think love will end
When you know that my whole life
Depends on you