♪♪
[radio DJ] Good morning, New York!
And New Jersey, too, I guess.
It's Monday, September 10, 2001.
Oh, no.
[radio DJ] Most importantly, tomorrow, September 11th,
is gonna be a huge day for New York City.
Jay-Z's The Blueprint will change music forever!
[radio sound effects]
Anyway, Donald Rumsfeld announced today
that the Pentagon has lost $2.3 trillion.
They just don't know where it is.
Whoa! [grunts]
Hey, Dad, I think this jersey might be too big.
Yes, Rumi. It will fit you forever.
We didn't come to this country to buy new clothes every year.
You guys see Rumi's boobs?
You've got to get his hormones checked.
No! No money for hormone checks.
No. Everybody checks their own hormones.
Maybe we could return it for something smaller.
Uncle Jamal doesn't do returns. He's very under-the-table.
And no more new stuff. [speaks Arabic]
Here. Terrible month here, Rumi.
[Rumi] But I used less toilet paper.
I only use the shattafa now.
Your butt is clean, but your energy usage isn't.
Look where you are on the Cousin Leaderboard.
Your cousins are beating you in every category.
Be more like Kareem.
Then, maybe we get you official jersey.
I think you look beautiful, habibi.
You look just like Michael Jordan.
Eh, you're friends with a Jordanian?
Stay away. Very weak army.
Get a Libyan friend. A Libyan will die for you.
Habibti, we must stop buying Princess Diana mugs.
You have... so many.
I need an inspiration if I am going to solve her murder.
I need coffee. And put on the Quran!
I told you no Quran in the morning.
I need a certain vibe.
You're going to love the vibe in hell.
Your mother will be there, too, with this sinful television.
[in Arabic] Teta, I wanted to talk to you about the television.
Look... the electricity...
[shrieks]
[host on TV] ...actual retail price is...
[in Arabic] Four hundred! But I can get it for two.
...four hundred dollars!
[laughing]
My angel who won the month.
100 kilowatt-hours below everybody here!
I love you the most.
Thanks, baba!
She cheated! I saw her by the electricity panel! Wah!
[speaks Arabic] We all need to do better.
Your Uncle Ahmed is coming to live with us, and he is a huge energy sucker.
He shaves seven times a day!
With an electric razor!
Seven times a day?
Yes. He shaves more than he prays.
Hey, Dad. Is Uncle Ahmed still gonna bring me something from Egypt?
I need something cool to show my class,
you know, since this jersey is all messed up.
Yeah. Rumi's got a classroom crush.
Mona! Fuck... you.
[chuckles] This is about a girl, huh?
There's always a girl.
[in Arabic] God forgive us...
Is she hot?
Well, she's a huge fan of the Bulls, you know, with a 'U.'
I told your parents to name you after the great poet Rumi
so you could be great.
Even if it hasn't worked, we gave you a shot.
So what if your galabaya says "Balls"?
Wear Balls proud!
Be like Rumi, Rumi,
and you too will never stop dropping the panties of your special lady.
[in Arabic] God forgive us...
[school bell rings]
Anime is hand-drawn or computer animation originating or associated with Japan.
In the 1960s, Osamu Tezuka, known as “the God of manga,”
burst onto the scene with an anime called...
-[laughing] All right, Marcus. -[egg timer rings]
That's enough.
-Okay. Clap it up for Marcus! -[scattered applause]
Anime, hmm. Looks like you won't get a girlfriend till college.
[smattering of applause]
I wanna bring our attention to Rumi,
who is wearing a new piece of clothing.
Rumi, your jersey is... [chuckles]
reminding me of someone I once knew. I'm-- I'm getting flashbacks.
Really? [clears throat]
Yeah, that's good. I'm glad you like this.
I just kind of put this on.
He played for a professional basketball team,
and when we met it was... complicated,
because, class, as you know,
I am not someone who is interested in extra-marital affairs.
But this was magic.
Not the player; the feeling.
You dated Michael Jordan, right?
[laughs] You're so funny, Rumi.
You know I signed an NDA.
And we all know what that is, right, class?
[class in unison] An NDA is a non-disclosure agreement.
An NDA creates a confidential relationship between parties.
They cannot disclose any information covered by the agreement.
Financial compensation is agreed upon.
Fast learners!
Wow, that usually takes until second semester!
[laughing] Okay!
Oh, I already know this is going to be a great school year.
And Rumi, you might be my new favorite with that jersey.
Good job hiding it.
I don't think she could tell it says "Balls."
She couldn't, right?
Nah. Classic immigrant move, man.
My dad got me a Nets jersey that says "Nuts."
I'm gonna win her over even more with my Egypt presentation tomorrow.
You need to go the full nine.
Otherwise, you'll get stuck in the student zone.
What is that?
The student zone is like the friend zone but with homework.
If things don't get romantic before the end of September,
she'll see you as a student forever.
Or even worse, you could end up a teacher's pet.
No one wants to fuck the class hamster.
Actually, some teachers very much do want to fuck hamsters.
[whispers] It's why we got a new art teacher.
Shut up, Garrett.
Listen, Rumi, you gotta land her with that pharaoh shit quick.
Yeah. No, you're right. I'm gonna seal the deal
with that pharaoh shit quick.
[K-Ci & JoJo's "All My Life" playing]
[Rumi echoing] That pharaoh shit... pharaoh shit...
♪♪
♪ Said I promise to never fall in love With a stranger ♪
♪ You're all I'm thinking of I praise the Lord above ♪
♪ For sending me your love I cherish every hug ♪
♪ I really love you ♪
♪ All my life (ohhhh, baby, baby) ♪
♪ I prayed for someone like you ♪
♪ And I thank God That I ♪
♪ That I finally found you ♪
♪ All my life I prayed for someone like you ♪
♪ And I hope that you ♪
♪ Feel the same way too ♪
♪ Yes, I pray that you ♪
♪ Do love me... ♪
♪ You're all that I've ever know ♪
♪ When you smile all my face Always seems to glow ♪
-♪ You turned my life around ♪ -[all cheer]
♪ You picked me up when I was down ♪
Where are you going?
♪ You're all that I've ever known ♪
You said you quit!
Drugs are bad!
I love drugs!
♪ You're all that I've ever known When you smile my face glows ♪
-♪ You picked me up when I was down ♪ -[EKG flatlining]
[school bell rings]
Okay. That's lunch time.
First presentation of tomorrow is Rumi's.
It's about Egypt, and I personally cannot wait.
The Sphinx is my favorite animal.
Amrika! Holy shit! Is that Clint Eastwood?
No, brother, this is a cowboy that wears no clothes.
I'm so happy you finally left Egypt.
Your timing couldn't be more perfect.
This is America's moment.
Inshallah. Hey, um, where's your office?
This is my office. [laughs]
[bleating]
Habibi, you are a cardiothoracic surgeon!
Not in Amrika. They wouldn't take my degree.
But all the practice I had prepared me for this.
Because now I have the most precise shawarma on the block.
Thin, thin chicken.
So that's why you asked me to bring this lamb.
[chuckles] Yes, brother. We need the meat.
-[concerned bleating] -[speaks Arabic] Ahmed--
I want you to be my partner. This is an all-cash business.
I'm untaxable, which means you will be untaxable.
If you help me, every corner will say,
"Halal, halal, halal."
And we will be rich.
It's the American dream!
Oh! Like Enron!
Just like Enron.
What do you say? Partner?
Of course I'll do this with you!
Habibi! I am your partner for life!
This is the beginning of big things.
Speaking of big things, I need you to watch the cart.
I'm going to use the bathroom.
I use the one in the Fox News executive building.
[laughing] [speaks Arabic]
They think I'm there to clean it. [chuckles]
Habibi, oh, my God! I love this country!
Naked Cowboy! [speaks Arabic] Try some chicken!
[classical hold music]
[phone rings, picks up]
[on phone] Princess Diana Hotline.
If you have a tip to help solve the murder of England's rose,
please dial 3. [beep]
I have a bad feeling about Prince Andrew.
Okay, Sharon, what's next?
A root canal for Mr. Wang.
[in Arabic] She messed up insurance information for two clients!
[chuckles] It is such a blessing you still have your parents.
I never knew mine.
They died in a very violent camping accident when I was young.
[chuckles] Too young.
Anyone would agree I was too young to experience what happened to me.
Hey, have you considered a nursing home for your parents?
Might be better than bringing them to work every day.
Oh, no. Nursing home? That is for white people.
In Arab culture, we must take care of our elders until they die.
It is a beautiful tradition
that is placed, uh, mostly on the daughter's shoulders, actually.
[Gina] Hey, baby. What's wrong?
There's people everywhere.
Can we be open already? We've been saying we're gonna do this.
Gina, it's easier for you. I mean, your priest is gay.
Yeah. But it was kind of a scandal.
Oh, whatever. He broke the ice.
My parents are so strict. I have to be perfect.
My family won't even let us get a dog
'cause they say angels won't come in the house.
What would they do with me?
There are so many signs, Mona.
The universe is telling us it'll be okay.
Gina, please, stop with the signs.
I shook my Magic 8 Ball six times today,
and each time it said, "It is decidedly so."
Then I did some numerology. Tomorrow's the perfect day!
-Tomorrow? -Yes!
I knew I was gay when I was nine, and you knew when you were eleven.
So, we come out tomorrow, 9/11.
It's perfect!
-Okay. -Wait, really?
You believe in the numbers?
No. Not at all. But let's do it tomorrow.
[sighs, mutters]
Are we eating dead birds?
Mmm! Hamam! Stuffed Pigeon! Fresh!
You brought these from Egypt?
No! I got them from New York.
New York pigeons, they're not used to being hunted, so stupid.
Yeah, that's great. Uncle Ahmed, did you happen to bring
anything for my big class presentation tomorrow?
Like some Egypt calendars, maybe?
Uh, I was supposed to bring something?
[laughing] Habibi, of course I brought you something.
Egypt calendars for the whole class.
Oh, Sphinx is on the cover. Ha. It's the best animal.
I also got you cigarettes.
He is not smoking. He is 12.
Ah, 12. That's when I quit, too.
You'll be back at 14.
Dad, can Gina sleep over tonight?
Sleep over? Sounds very expensive.
She brought her own generator.
Alhamdullilah, of course! You two have a very beautiful friendship.
It has its own source of electricity.
I'm gonna call you Lamby, and here's some koshari.
Rumi. [speaks Arabic] How many times do I tell you...
[both in unison] No talking to animals.
We slit its throat tonight.
We slit what? She's my best friend!
You literally just met this lamb.
[coughs] Get me some tea, woman!
Why don't you get your own tea?
I don't feel like it.
Grandpa, maybe just ask nicer.
This is how you raise your kids to talk to their grandpa?
Disgusting girl. May Allah forgive you.
[in Arabic] It's fine, it's no problem. I'll get it.
[speaks Arabic] Mama, why do you listen to everything he says?
Look at the way he talks to us!
[in Arabic] I know. But he doesn't hit.
See, most men my generation hit. [coughs] I only yell.
[speaks Arabic] So that makes you progressive all of a sudden?
I was a good father to you. You never appreciate that.
I sacrificed everything for this family. I didn't even...
[both in unison] Take a second wife.
[in Arabic] Yes, we know.
Stop talking about it like it's the Nobel Peace Prize!
I should have won the Nobel Peace Prize for never hitting you!
You should have listened to me growing up! Worn the hijab.
Married the first guy I brought you. Remember Akram?
You'd have way more money.
I am not a teenager anymore.
As a matter of fact, I love my broke husband.
Thank you.
So it's your choice to use alcohol like a haram mongrel?
And call yourself "Sharon" like a white woman?
And turn your back on Islam?
-I live it in my own way! -[coughing]
Stop acting like everything I do is killing you!
-You don't even care! -[gagging]
[speaks Arabic] Enough bullshit. We're gonna get you some tea.
-[groaning] -Baba!
[in Arabic] My television!
Okay. Okay. CPR. Hussein, let's do it.
[in Arabic] There is no God but God, and Muhammad is the Messenger of God.
So I think we got a collapse of the aortic valve.
In your medical opinion, do you think I killed him?
[speaks Arabic] My medical opinion does not mean much in this country.
It's not verified, but... did you help him live?
No. No. No, you did not.
Oh, my god! I killed my dad!
I am a baba killer! I committed baba-cide!
I am a criminal!
Oh, my god. Ya Allah! Ya Allah!
Hussein, what's wrong?
I gave him a 20 yesterday. He didn't spend it, mashallah.
He'd want us to have it.
-So well-played. -What do you mean?
You heard his prayer. He said the shahada right before he died.
If you do that, guaranteed heaven.
He was such a dirtbag, too.
[sighs] It's genius.
Where would you like us to take the body?
A preferred funeral home, or...?
[in Arabic] We need to get him to Cairo.
No, no, no, no. Sir, not Cairo.
That is a very expensive ticket.
My father-in-law-- God rest his soul and thank you God for taking him--
will be buried at the local mosque before sunset tomorrow,
because we are Muslim and that is our law.
Our very affordable law.
[in Arabic] He wanted to be buried in Cairo! I gave him my word.
I don't want him haunting me for the rest of my days.
But don't you want him to be close to home
so you can visit any time... no cost?
Cairo. End of story. It is what he wanted.
Yakhrabetek! You didn't even like him!
But I might have killed him, so things have changed!
[in Arabic] We have to get him in the ground fast.
Let's get him on the earliest flight so he's buried in time!
Yeah. Early morning would be ideal for me. Like very early,
just 'cause I have an Egypt presentation kind of top of the morning--
And we-- I mean, I have a big day tomorrow,
so getting this done in the morning is definitely ideal for me.
Yes, morning. I found a very nice Pakistani mosque in Freehold.
[all in unison] Pakistani mosque?!
Their burial plots are cheaper than the Arab.
Pakistanis are very good people.
They give you a discount even when you die.
[Arabic singing]
Salaam Alaykum. [speaks Arabic]
Oh, I am so sorry for your loss, beloveds.
We're here to assist you in preparing the body and whatever else you may need.
Your father is in good hands, Sharon.
It's Sharia, by the way. My given name.
Aha, yes. Sharia.
Do you know where you'll be burying your loved one?
I'm not sure if you heard,
but we have a great discount with Hackensack Cemetery--
-Hackensack! -Cairo. Cairo, Cairo, Cairo!
Let's just start with washing the body,
then we will figure out the details.
Oh! Grandpa had a huge, uh...
Whoa, what a guy!
Oh, yes. [speaks Arabic] I always guessed this.
But here it is. The truth.
Big dick men are the only ones who can be so mean.
The whole world can abandon them,
but he always has his dick to fall back on.
Excuse me. Was he an organ donor? I'm asking for a friend.
No brother, haram.
[sobbing]
[Rumi] Uh, Dad, who is this guy?
[Hussein] Your Uncle Jamal. Very upset today.
He gave Grandpa many discounts.
[solemn Arabic music playing]
First name, Grandpa. Last name, Giddo.
On God's word, even tomorrow will be a better day, inshallah.
Tomorrow the healing begins.
[indistinct chatter]
Wait, is this gonna mess up tomorrow?
This is even better!
We can throw in the news while everyone's grieving.
I mean, this is huge for momentum.
My grandpa really helped us out.
Makes me miss him.
Yallah, habibti, we're ready for the burial.
Yes, you are right. Cairo is too far. Here is better.
I killed him! And I will need to visit him every day! Baba!
Habibti, don't blame yourself, kenwatu. It was his time.
Let us pray and then go home.
[sniffs] Okay. I'll tell my mother.
Mama? [speaks Arabic]
Grandma!
Okay, okay. She's small. Look behind the furniture.
She sneaks into very small spaces.
Grandma?
[grunts]
Ah! Grandma!
Is that Grandpa's body?!
Oh, my god, what are you doing, Teta?!
[in Arabic] The right thing.
Grandma, I thought you didn't know how to drive.
[in Arabic] I don't.
[tires screeching]
[in Arabic] Mama! Get back here right now! I swear to God if you don't come back...
Get back here! We must honor Islam! Bury the body!
[engines revving]
[screaming]
Mama! Stop this car right now!
[in Arabic] No way! I'm taking Grandpa home!
How are we even gonna get to Egypt?
We don't have tickets or passports or money or...
What the--
Holy shit.
[in Arabic] Now take a Werther's...
...and shut the fuck up.
Yes, Teta.
[in Arabic] We park the car out here, in the Meadowlands.
We wait till sunrise...
Then we go to Delta Airlines.
-[tires screeching] -[screaming]
And what does your father-in-law look like?
Well, right now he looks like a mummy.
He's wrapped up. But who cares about him?
What's really important is Aziza. She is tied to the back bumper.
Who's Aziza?
[shouting]
She is a halal cart. [sobs]
Okay, so you're more upset about the cart than the body.
Come on, man. She's all I have.
-[cars honking] -[radio DJ] It is Tuesday,
September 11th, folks. A beautiful fall morning here in New York City.
All right. We got the new Bob Dylan, we got P.O.D.
I'm sorry. We can't help you if the body isn't already prepared for travel.
Come on, Rebecca, yallah, come on!
You're Delta! There has to be something you can do.
Well, if you were to sign up for a Delta SkyMiles credit card
and its predatory 32% APR,
I might be able to pull a few strings.
-Done. -Mom, uh, just--
Sorry, but doesn't Dad have a no more credit cards ever policy?
We'll do it!
He fits in the golf bag!
[suspenseful music]
[screams]
[gasps]
There they are! Stop! Don't buy a ticket!
Don't buy anything!
Um, so, yeah. That's my dad chasing us.
This is not the first time this has happened to me. I know what to do.
[tires squealing]
[gasps]
[screaming]
[grunts, groans]
You gotta get on the belt with the body.
[in Arabic] Disgusting.
I'll miss you, Grandma. I'll miss you, Grandpa's body.
[panting] There you are!
Ah! Mom got a credit card.
Credit card? What have you done to us?
It's over. He's gone.
No! How much did it cost?
Why don't we go talk about this in the SkyLounge?
As SkyMiles members, you have access to all kinds of free amenities.
Did you say free?
-[classical music playing] -[speaks Arabic]
[gasps] Rumi, get the supplies. Quick!
We're using them for the halal cart.
Uh, Dad, are you sure?
Cups, plates, napkins!
Delta is giving us the opportunity of a lifetime! Go!
I can't believe I lost both my parents in one day.
What? Both? Where's Teta?
She's going back to Cairo, too. She wants to go home.
[speaks Arabic] Two problems gone in one day!
Uh, I mean, oh, God rest his soul. [speaks Arabic]
May Allah grant him a comfortable grave.
You know, your father really seemed like a fun guy.
I'll say a prayer for him.
[Uncle Ahmed] Allahu Akbar...
Oh, Rumi, these are the magic cups. They keep the cold things cold,
the hot things hot, and they're for free!
Stack them up! Quick!
-[man] Yo, what the fuck? -[gasps of concern]
[on TV] Sorry to interrupt, but a horrible accident has occurred in New York City.
And we're hearing now that it might not be an accident.
An Islamic group is taking responsibility.
Allah... [screams] [grunting]
Okay. Let's leave.
It's not a good time to be at the airport when you look like us.
Bye, Uncle Ahmed. See you whenever! [humming]
You guys go! Don't worry about me!
[grunts] I love the boys in blue!
[grunts, shrieks]
What the hell is happening?
Hey! You can talk?
Well, not for long, because you're gonna have to kill me.
No! No. No more death.
I'm not meant to live.
Come on, you killed those pigeons at dinner! Not fair!
None of this is fair.
First, Grandpa died, then all of those innocent people.
No. If ever there was a day to not sacrifice a lamb,
it's today.
But I really want to die.
No, Lamby. I just wish Grandpa was here.
He'd know what to say.
I didn't know him for long,
but I'm pretty sure he'd say something misogynistic.
I don't know what that word means, but he was always nice to me.
Look, he, uh-- he got me my favorite book.
[Grandpa's voice] Rumi, read this book when times get tough.
Learn from the great poet after whom you are named.
I'll tell you the first lesson.
What is the Sufi path?
To find the joy inside the inner heart when sadness comes.
[coughing]
[Hussein] Hey, Rumi. Come downstairs, now.
Baba, what's happening?
[speaks Arabic] Rumi, a lot happened today. Many people got hurt.
This is the worst thing I have ever seen.
Things are going to change for us.
People are going to look at us differently
just because of who we are.
And what we must do now, more than ever, is--
Find our faith and be strong.
No! We must blend in and change our values as much as possible.
We will change everything about who we are to fit in.
We must always be cheerful. We will never stick out.
We, from today, have no culture.
When people see our family, they won't think, "Arab."
They will think, "They are happy. They are perfect."
We are Number One Happy Family USA!
[muttering in Arabic]
♪ Hello, hello, neighbors ♪
♪ You're afraid of us near you ♪
♪ But the only blood we want ♪
♪ Is to bleed red, white, and blue ♪
♪ I know you think we're scary ♪
♪ But I swear to you we're fun ♪
♪ We will prove to you our love ♪
♪ We will be number one ♪
♪ Number one family in USA ♪
♪ #1 Happy Family USA ♪
[brakes screeching]
[sobbing] Please, don't shoot! Take the boy!