[phone ringing]
-[phone connects] -[Aunt in Arabic] Peace be upon you.
[Hussein in Arabic] How are you Auntie? How are you doing? We miss you a lot.
Look, I'm going to give you Rumi to talk to.
[Hussein panting] Rumi! Wake up!
Egypt is on the phone. Talk!
[Rumi screams]
[in Arabic] Yes, yes, yes! Here he is! Come on! Come on, Rumi!
-Talk. -What's happening?
Your aunt and uncle!
We must tell them about Mona's 'A' in math.
I don't like talking to them on the phone.
Let Mona talk to them first.
She's coming, but we have to lead with you, ya Rumi.
Bad news first. Mona is a closer.
Ya Allah, we don't have all day. We're low on phone cards.
But I don't have bad news.
Yes, but whatever is going on in your life is not what we want to end on.
Mona!
[in Arabic] Hello? Hello? How are you, Auntie?
I think... Yeah, inshallah, inshallah. Good.
Um... [in Arabic] I'm good. Did I say that?
Stop wasting time. Get to the meat.
[in Arabic] I miss you. I miss you.
Yeah, I don't remember all of you.
Like, I'm not sure who I'm talking to precisely.
[in Arabic] Oh, my God.
-He's tanking the call. Ya Mona! -Ah!
-What? -Finally! Hamdulilah!
Sorry about that. [chuckles]
We're worried about him, I swear. [chuckles]
Ya Allah, tell them about the math.
Oh, um, I... [dial tone]
The phone card ran out.
[screaming]
Rumi, how many times do I have to tell you?
No small talk on international calls You waste time!
Yes, ya Rumi, how many--
And you! You got scammed by the phone guys!
That was two fucking minutes.
They're giving you used cards again!
Sharia, calm down. The neighbors are looking at us.
Fuck the neighbors! Our family is all we have,
and we have to show them that we are better than them.
[muttering in Arabic]
♪ Hello, hello, neighbors ♪
♪ You're afraid of us near you ♪
♪ But the only blood we want ♪
♪ Is to bleed red, white, and blue ♪
♪ I know you think we're scary ♪
♪ But I swear to you we're fun ♪
♪ We will prove to you our love ♪
♪ We will be number one ♪
♪ Number one family in USA ♪
♪ Number one happy family USA ♪
-[tires screeching] -[sobbing] Please, don't shoot!
Take the boy!
[students chatting]
-Hey, Rumi. -[nervous laughter]
Dude, did you just talk to Thorn?
That's been a dream of mine ever since the second grade.
I don't care about your dreams right now. Okay, Marcus?
I used to be low-level popular.
Now I can't even get a nod from the ESL kids!
I am in a social death spiral right now,
and I gotta fix it tomorrow when we all go as a group
to Courtney's awesome pool party.
-[shimmering sounds] -[giggles]
Oh ho, I'm not going to that. I have a Pokémon convention in the city.
You're going to a Pokémon convention
instead of a pool party thrown by the most popular girl in school?
Yes. Pokémon is pure.
Teens with body dysmorphia in swimsuits? Not pure.
Thorn's probably gonna be there.
No, she won't.
Satanists can't swim. They'll put their fire out.
Fair. But, look, everyone loves Courtney.
She wore a leopard print purse yesterday,
and now look at all these sheep.
Just, "Bahhh..."
But I'm gonna make Courtney love me.
-You have a crush on Courtney? -Absolutely not. Courtney is the sun.
You can't date the sun. You just hope you can orbit.
I have a plan. I'm just gonna crush ass at her party, right?
Iconic cannonballs, chillaxing music.
I'll rig a MASH game to say that her and I are gonna get married
and live in a mansion with two kids and three Ferraris,
which will then get her to add me
as one of her initial names on her AIM profile.
And then, boom, I am back, baby!
Easy on the "boom," guy.
If Courtney is cool with me, the rest of the school will fall in line.
It's human nature.
She's coming right at Rumi. She's gonna finger you!
[Arabic singing] ♪ Courtney, habibi ♪
Hey, Rumi, do you mind if I steal you for a minute?
I'd love to be stolen.
Okay, so you know that party I'm having tomorrow at my big heated pool?
Oh, is that tomorrow?
Yeah! Here's the thing...
-You can't come. -What?
It's not personal. It's just who you are.
My dad lost a lot on 9/11.
Oh, that's so sad. Who did he lose?
Stocks and bonds mostly. Yeah, it was super hard.
Look, I want to help us all heal Courtney-style! [laughing]
That's why I'm throwing this major social event.
I've invited everyone.
The shitheads and the fuckfaces. Even the uglies and smellies.
I'm serious about this.
But if you come, you'll make everyone really uncomfortable
by reminding them why we need to heal in the first place.
You see what I'm saying?
So thank you so much for understanding,
and please tell Islam not to kill me.
[chuckles] Okay, bye!
So what'd she say?
She just doesn't want me to come to the party. Fuck!
Shit, bro, that's cold. Even TTFN gets to go,
and he has big cat strangler energy.
T.D. True dat.
Oh, God damn! Announce yourself, man. Dammit!
Fuck, you're scary, Garrett.
[intercom] Rumi Hussein, please come to the guidance counselor's office, please,
for some... guidance.
[Courtney] Here's the thing... You can't come.
Rumi, Rumi, Rumi...
Tough news about getting uninvited to Courtney's social event of the year.
[chuckles] That's got to suck!
Yeah, it really does.
Look, we're the Truthists, you and I.
So here's some truth.
The only way to unfuck your social life
is to get welcomed back to that party, Rumi. Okay?
Now, listen...
Bring drugs.
-Aren't you school security? -[chittering sound]
Hey, Wayne, quit kidding around with that squirrel in there.
[laughing] Wayne...
Look, my only job right now
is to make sure that your social status is secure, okay?
Now, drugs, Rumi. Drugs.
This is an important weekend, son. Don't fuck it up.
Rumi, this is an important weekend. Don't fuck it up.
You're coming to work with me today at the cart. Ya allah.
Okay, Rumi, these are suitable topics for discussion
when we're at the cart.
Okay. Baseball, apples? That's just a fruit.
Bananas are fine, too. They come with the package.
Very American.
Don't talk about melons. Very homosexual.
Just stick to the topics on the card, understand?
Dad, I know how to have a conversation.
Every conversation you have is about melons.
I never talk about melons.
Look, you just did it! You just said the 'M' word!
This is insane!
Rumi, this is our life now. Everyone is watching.
Oh, hey, buddy. You're up early. Need a hand?
Hey, buddy! We are doing okey-dokey-smokey.
Use the cards, Rumi. Be American!
I am American!
Watch me work.
Hey, pal! You're up early, and such and such...
I wanted to thank you for hanging out the other day.
I really needed a friend.
You know, I've been thinking a lot about my ex lately
and getting sad, considering self-harm.
What are you guys up to?
Um, I love baseball and apples.
We were just moseying into the city with the old meat cart.
Time to get back to the American grind.
You can't drive into Manhattan unless you got a vehicle entry permit.
Do you have a VEP? I have a VEP.
Perks of being an FBI agent, I guess.
I can also listen to phone calls. Don't tell.
[chugging]
I can drive you in if you want.
Oh, um, thank you, Chief, but no need. All good.
I got nothing else to do, and I could use the company, that's for damn sure.
I mean, at this point, you kind of can't say no.
[both laughing]
[laughing intensifies]
[screaming]
Hey, Rumi, do you know a teacher named Kathy Malcolm at your school?
Oh, Mrs. Malcolm. Yeah, she my teacher.
She's really special.
We matched last night on Adult Friend Finder.
Her messages were fucking filthy.
Okay. That's uncomfortable for me.
She texted things I never even imagined.
The woman is a sexual dynamo!
And it got dark. Like real dark.
I was in the darkness with her.
Then she asked me if I had a Michael Jordan jersey.
We're going out tomorrow,
and we're going to break each other in half.
Sexually.
[chuckling] I'm sorry. This is inappropriate talk for youngsters.
My ex is right-- I have no idea how to relate to kids.
Let's start over. How's your life, Rumi?
Um, it's kind of horrible.
I got uninvited from the social event of the year,
and now I wish I was dead.
See, this is why I don't talk to kids on their level.
You guys are depressing.
Hey, can I borrow your jersey tomorrow?
For sex.
[motor revving, tires squealing]
As you know, Donna left me last year, said I wasn't father material,
which is rough 'cause we have two children.
[gasps] Yeah, you've told us this before. What is this?
Oh, that's just from some female I met at the Red Onion.
Just toss that in the back.
[freaking out]
Donna's FBI, too. [sobs]
-I still love Donna. -[screaming]
Um, you know what I love? Cowboys and democracy.
Donna's working this weekend.
I should stop by and see her while we're in the city,
but I'm supposed to stay 50 yards away.
I thought the FBI was in Washington, DC. Our great nation's capital. America.
Oh, we got offices everywhere.
We're like Starbucks but with nuclear codes.
[laughing] I love Starbucks, McDonald,
and, um, Rite Aid. Very good restaurant.
How do you know which guy sold us the faulty cards?
I just know.
Egyptians are noble. We don't scam people.
Especially not one another.
Mm-hmm.
We follow the rules. Law-abiding citizens.
[gasping]
Ew!
So there is only one person who it could be.
I'll handle this. Let me do all the talking.
How may I can help you today, ma'ams?
[Sharia] Give me some phone cards that work,
or pay me back double what my husband paid you!
Pardon me.
Mom, calm down!
No!
My husband come in here every week,
and every week you give him shit cards.
Enough is enough!
Madam, I sorry, but I assure you I have the cleanest cards on this block.
Oh. So you accuse my people out there of lying?
Yeah.
That's it! I'm calling the police!
Okay.
Okay? Okay what?
Go on now. Your people are the bottom of the hierarchy at this moment.
You should be more scared of the police than me right now.
Mom, he's right.
Jamaicans have Bob Marley and Sebastian from The Little Mermaid.
Right now the cops aren't going to help us.
Look, everyone knows this is a Mohsin card.
Go get your money from him.
Mohsin?
Hey, so, Dan, I was thinking about your ex.
Holy shit. That's crazy. Me too.
And I was thinking you should get back with her.
You know, and just really forget about sex with Mrs. Malcolm.
So no more Mrs. Malcolm thoughts even.
Hmm, I don't know. I'm kind of into the pegging thing.
Well, maybe Donna is too.
And she doesn't think you're much of a father figure, right?
What if we show her that you're my father figure?
Am I your father figure?
No.
Okay. I appreciate your honesty.
And that's a great idea. I'll make sure she's there.
I put a camera in her cubicle. Don't tell.
Yes!
Ah, ya Rumi. Big problem.
There's brand-new security protocol for Fox News.
I can't get in! It used to be my go-to bathroom.
I walk right away-- tinkle, tinkle. Khalaas!
But now they look at me like I am person of interesting!
Astugfillurah! What will happen when I have to poo-poo?
If it makes you feel better, I'm gonna have Dan take me to the FBI offices.
Ooh, yes! While you're there,
find out if we're in the secret Muslim file.
There's a secret Muslim file?
That's what you're going to find out, habibi.
And while you're in there, go to their break room,
get us cups, napkins, and a pair of American jeans.
Your father is about to disgrace himself.
[in Arabic] You, boy. Come here.
Is this your phone card?
[in Arabic] What phone card?
Is this your phone card?!
Lady, I don't understand what you are saying.
I know you sold this used phone card to my husband.
This is Arab on Arab crime to give bad phone cards to another Arab.
How could you do that to your own people?!
Rip off, lady? Anyone can rip anyone off. What's it got to do with us?
Because that's what's happened!
[plays instrumental music]
You know what the issue is? We don't have any codes.
Because everyone wants to call their families in Egypt and talk with them.
Because the government doesn't want to let people talk to each other.
You know what the real code is?
Love.
I need my money back. Now!
It was Tamir that took your husband's money.
Me, you piece of shit?
You're a liar. You know her husband.
The guy that's always here bargaining.
Who am I? You're the one that knows her husband.
Your children call him uncle!
Is he not the one that made food at your nephew's wedding or did you forget?
He screwed me and overcharged me!
[crowd clamoring]
You son of a dog!
What's going on?
Don't worry about it.
We're not getting anything done here.
Yeah.
Hey, Mr. Hussein. You mind helping me?
I'm looking for my convention, but I'm kind of lost.
Uh, sure, Marcus.
What are you wearing? Is this Kwanzaa?
It's Raichu.
Oh! Oh, of course.
Happy Raichu! God bless America.
Should we get a hot dog?
Nah. These guys are halal.
Let's get from the kosher guy up the street.
No, brother. Halal and kosher-- they are the same.
I don't like terrorists!
[patriotic drum and fife playing]
How would you like to be on Fox News today?
We've been looking for someone just like you.
Could I use the bathroom?
Buddy, you do a good job on the air, you can shit on my desk.
Um, I-- I prefer toilet.
Ooh, Mr. Hussein, I know exactly what's going on.
This happened to my cousin. He witnessed a hit-and-run,
went on the news, and now he's like the flippin' Black Wolf Blitzer.
But they don't pay him like the Black Wolf Blitzer they should.
So if they're gonna pay you as the Arab Black Wolf Blitzer,
then you gotta get Arab Black Wolf Blitzer cash, you feel me?
I am very much feeling you, Marcus.
Let's at least negotiate you some exposure for the halal cart.
Yes! I can advertise to the richest customers in the country.
Exactly!
Well, boys, I see you're interested in my favorite client.
Let's take this to the studio
and iron out some contract terms, shall we?
And who are you supposed to be, motherfucker?
A yellow mouse-like Pokémon with magnificent thunderbolt-based powers
often mistaken for Pikachu called Raichu.
Oh, but also, his agent, motherfucker.
All right, uh, sign here. Initial here.
Blood, blood, saliva, blood.
We are good to go, Arab Black Wolf Blitzer.
All right, Halal Harry.
Uh, who is Halal Harry?
You are. Okay, tell us what you'd said down there
about the terrorists.
The terrorists are bad and...
those terrorists should stay out of this beautiful country!
America first!
[whispering]
Oh, yes, and if you love this country the way I do,
come to my halal cart-- same as kosher--
outside Fox News headquarters.
We are serving Freedom Kebabs and Solidarity Shawarma all day
because I love Amrika!
-Same as kosher. -[applause]
[suspenseful music]
Hey, so, Dan, you guys don't have, like, a Muslim file or anything, do you?
Muslim file? That's crazy.
We got a whole Muslim wing.
[Arabic singing]
Oh, my God, it's Donna.
Uh, how do I do it again? I feel so lost.
Oh, right. Let me help you.
It's bunny ears. Bunny ears, over the loop, and...
Dan?
Donna?
Hi. I'm Rumi.
Hello, Rumi. How do you two know each other?
Dan is my mentor, a father figure.
He came into my life with his big heart and tiny hands
and taught me so much. I mean, he taught me everything I know.
He's like a dad to me. Dan is Dad.
Dan, is this true?
Yes. I've changed, Donna.
And I want to tell you about it. Can we talk somewhere?
[sighs] I don't know.
He loves you. Please, just give him another chance.
I can't believe you're being so paternal.
He's also in therapy.
I guess I can take a little break.
I mean, how can I be expected to solve 9/11?
It's only nine fourteen.
I'll meet you at the elevators.
I think I'm having a panic attack.
I can't let her see me like this. She hates weakness.
[suspenseful music]
I know there are sedatives in here. We busted a jazz drummer last week.
Drugs, Rumi. Bring drugs.
Hey, Dan, um...
Remember that pool party I told you about that I was uninvited to?
And you were like, "That's depressing. Your life is depressing."
Well, how would you like to un-depress me?
Will it help me get Donna back?
Probably. Like, if I could just grab one of these little bricks of drugs,
I'll be re-invited to the party like a hero.
Hmm, what would a good dad do?
Drugs are bad, but being a loser is worse. Hmm.
The answer is...
Yes.
I'm a good dad, and that's what a good dad would do.
-Donna! -Ahh!
[Dan] What are you doing here?
The women's bathroom is in the broom closet.
[moaning and panting]
Oh, Dan, Dan. FBI. Dan, FBI.
Okay, Mom, we can't afford phone cards here,
so our only hope is that an employee hits you.
-What?! -It's the only way.
You gotta provoke someone into smacking you.
Otherwise, we leave empty handed.
How do I even--
Just go! Make it happen.
[clears throat] Why's the customer service here so bad?
Um, excuse me?
What, you don't understand me, farm girl?
-Huh? -Yes, you. Farm girl, huh?
-I'm sorry. Come again? -[sobbing]
I don't know what to do. I just need phone cards.
Please. Please, just give me phone cards. [sobbing]
Uh, ma'am, if you're gonna do your crying or any sort of weeping,
I'm just gonna ask that you go right to the side.
Right. Right there, please. Thank you so much.
I appreciate the change of tactics. Fake crying is a nice touch.
But overall, that was terrible.
Ugh, this is not faking, ya Mona.
I am very frustrated and overwhelmed.
I know what we need-- white tears.
What? What do you mean?
Excuse me. I'm really sorry to bother you, but I need your help.
Help? With what?
Look, I need some phone cards,
but I'm an inner city girl who can't afford them.
You don't look very inner city.
I'm inner city in the sense that I'm from in the city of Hackensack.
But that's not important.
My family is broke, and we need your help.
I'm sorry. I'm in a rush.
I'm running for class president.
Class president? You? Poor little brown girl?
Yes, and I need phone cards to make it happen.
I want to call all the international news outlets
so that the world can hear my story.
Oh, my God! If you say one more thing...
I tried to buy phone cards like a good, honest American,
but these men swindled me and my family.
They ripped me off, and it almost made me lose faith in...
democracy.
O-okay, ma'am, what is happening here?
[weeping] This girl here is an inspiration.
[sobbing]
I just got in from corporate. Why is this white woman crying?
I'm crying because democracy. [sobs]
[humming "Auld Lang Syne"]
[to the tune of "Auld Lang Syne"] ♪ Democracy, democracy... ♪
♪ Democracy ♪
Merry Christmas, little brown girl! And a Happy New Year!
[gasps] You did it!
See? White tears open doors.
My God.
You really do understand how to manipulate people to your advantage.
You don't manipulate me like this, do you?
I don't know. Do I?
[in Arabic] You clever girl.
[sighs] I missed us.
[suspenseful music]
Shit, shit, shit! I gotta go.
Oh, yeah, no. Typical Dan.
As soon as things get intimate, you disappear.
I fucking hate you, Dan Daniels, FBI!
I fucking hate you!
[party dance music]
[teens clamoring]
[laughing] Yeah.
Ahh!
F.Y.R.H.! Fuck yeah, Rumi's here!
Courtney, I've brought drugs!
[panting, yelps]
No!
[screaming]
Shit!
[coughing, gagging]
Dan, what the fuck?!
You took anthrax, you idiot!
Wait, I took what?! No!
Anthrax! Crisis mode, go.
Hey, Chad, where'd you put the roofies?
Oh, fuck! Chad's dead!
[all gasp]
I'm FBI. Everyone stay calm.
I'm expecting the bodies right now, and...
Yep, exactly as I expected. It's peanut butter again.
These kids are in anaphylactic shock.
But Dan, that's not what happened.
It was peanut butter.
Right?
It was peanut butter.
It's goin' around town. This shit's dangerous.
[tires screeching]
What the fuck, Rumi?! This ice sculpture is from Iceland!
And you showed up uninvited and terrorist attacked it?
Look around. No one wants you here.
Sorry! I swear this was an accident!
Yeah, okay, like 9/11 much?
Get the fuck out, Rumi. Let us heal.
Dude, Rumi, slow down. What happened?
Yeah, WTF, BFF?
[wailing]
[Arabic singing] ♪ Never bring drugs... ♪
Ya Allah! What have I done?
[crowd murmuring]
Hi, everyone!
And thanks for coming to a very special Pokémon convention.
[chuckles] As you know, we gotta catch them all.
So, I'm here to introduce
a new Pokémon who we really want your help catching.
His name is... Osama binzar Ladenchu!
[kids cheering]
We're giving you all a free, one-way ticket
to tropical Kabul to catch him! [laughing] Yay!
So, please, form lines here at the front.
Ah, fuck! Man, this isn't pure at all.
[Pokémon-sounding theme music]