[Arabic music playing]
What do you think it means?
Yani Habibi, they are not leaving much to the imagination.
It's very specific.
And hateful! Who could do such a thing?
I called Delta. This is a real flight to Cairo.
And it's a very good deal.
Hateful but helpful.
[in Arabic] Let's go!
[in English] Unpack the bags, Teta. We're not going anywhere.
Astagfurillah.
This is a hate crime!
Yo, maybe we should go back to Egypt.
We cannot leave Amrika.
We must work harder at being like them so we blend in.
Tonight we wear shoes in the house!
These will never leave my feet again.
You know, I’m going to figure out who did this.
I'm going to make a yarn board and solve this crime.
Habibi, please, how many times do I have to tell you?
No more yarn boards.
We made a deal, remember?
I quit smoking, you quit yarn boards.
I quit the smoking. You still make the yarn boards!
You will not solve this, and you will not solve Princess Diana's murder!
[in Arabic] Enough already!
[winding camera]
[in English] Do I look sad?
Yeah, you look sad. But you look hot as shit.
What are you doing?
It's called getting the sympathy vote.
My daughter, the political genius.
Dick Cheney? More like Daughter Cheney.
[Dan] Hey, everybody!
New coat of paint on the garage? Artistic!
Oh, yes. We love art! Mona Lisa. [laughs]
Ah, wonderful! Everything's looking normal, right?
Rumi's not acting weird?
Weird? No, no, no. Very normal baby.
Gerber baby. Best baby.
Love it! Love it! Mind if I borrow him for a sec?
Borrow him? Keep him!
[both laughing]
You tell anyone about the coma, you little shit?
You mean comas, Dan. There's two of them.
We did a really bad thing.
You know what's a bad thing? Downloading illegal music.
I don't know anything about illegal music.
I've done my research on you. You're full KLN.
No... what's KLN?
KaZaA, Limewire, Napster. The unholy trinity.
You got 'em all, don't you? You sick little fuck.
[stammering] I won't say anything. I promise.
Oh, I know you won't say anything, bitch-ass.
Hey Hosni! Great kid you got here!
[laughing] If you say so.
Only if you say so. You tell me how he is.
[muttering]
♪ Hello, hello, neighbors ♪
♪ You're afraid of us near you ♪
♪ But the only blood we want ♪
♪ Is to bleed red, white, and blue ♪
♪ I know you think we're scary ♪
♪ But I swear to you we're fun ♪
♪ We will prove to you our love ♪
♪ We will be number one ♪
♪ Number one ♪
♪ Family ♪
♪ In USA ♪
♪ Number one happy family ♪
♪ In USA ♪
[crying] Please don't shoot.
Take the boy!
♪ Straight white dentist office ♪
-[Grandpa coughing] -[gasping]
Mubarak needs more control of the military.
I need you to visit Egypt as soon as possible.
I have some insight for him from this place alhamdulilah.
Stop! Why are you here?!
I swallowed my night guard again.
Oh. [chuckles]
How are you, Sharia? This shawl... wow! It’s majestic.
Yes. I have been wearing it since my father died.
Thank you for the time off, by the way.
Of course. I am so sorry for your loss.
It's gonna be different
without your father yelling at my patients in the waiting room all day.
Calling them cowards for flossing.
Asking seven-year-olds
if they miss Anwar Sadat's effect on the Egyptian economy.
See? I told you he likes me! Alhamdulillah.
So, how long has he been haunting you?
You-- you can see him?
Oh, I don't need to. I can feel him.
You see, I'm haunted by a lot of things myself.
Persons, places, things... lots of nouns.
Sometimes verbs.
But I found out how to keep my demons at bay.
I just stay busy.
I paint miniature Civil War soldiers,
I rebuild antique truck engines--
Oh! I just spent three weeks teaching myself how to make mustard.
I know mustard. And I know haunted. I can see it on you.
I know! I can't sleep. I can't think. He won't leave me alone!
Everything is feeling cursed.
Someone even vandalized our house last night!
My husband says to stay out of it. Leave it to the professionals, but I--
-Did you find any bite marks? -What?
At crime scenes, everybody's looking for fingerprints,
Nobody's looking for bite marks.
But they're there. Oh yeah. Pencils, doorknobs, shoes.
These criminals, they get nervous and they bite, they chew, they gnaw.
Oh. I didn't see any bite marks.
I'd love to help.
With haunting or the garage?
The garage. As for the haunting,
only you can heal the spiritual wounds that run through your family lineage,
waiting for you around every corner, at the bottom of every staircase,
and every vacant diner booth, and in the tiniest of mustard seeds.
I don't know what you said, but okay.
[students chatting]
That was a crazy party, huh?
Courtney was DTF until the whole PB&J thing.
Yeah. What was that all about? Are people talking about it?
Um, does anybody know who?
Who the peanut butter perpetrator was?
Nah. But there's some theories out there.
There's A Whole Lot Of Theories About Who Could Have Done It.
Yeah. Okay.
I just feels dangerous around here. I'm thinking about moving schools.
Moving schools? Look, I know you're rattled by the shit
that was written on your garage, but you gotta let it go, man.
You know, the exact same thing happened to my family's garage a couple years back.
I know. That's where I got the idea. [slurps]
I'm sorry, what?
Yeah. I remember you told me someone wrote "Go Back to Africa" on your garage
and how your family moved after that.
So I thought the same thing would happen to me.
Man... yo, that's so fucked, man.
What The Frick?
Fake Hate Speech? Lame.
That really meant something to my family, Rumi.
Like, we couldn't sleep for weeks, and you're just using that pain
as a tool to achieve your goals? [sucks teeth]
Yo, this is Vegeta during the Majin Buu saga all over again.
-Is that bad? -Context clues, Dev.
You guys have no idea what I'm going through. No one does!
If you were my real friends, you'd try!
Rumi, chill. We were your real friends.
You hang out with a lamb.
Yeah, well, we're probably killing it soon.
Then, I can leave this place and start over.
MYSMT!
Dude, no one understands anything you say.
He said, "Maybe you should move tables!"
MYSMT!
[sighs]
[Arabic music playing]
-[Arabic-style singing] -[laughing]
[vocalizing]
♪ Nerds ♪
♪ ESL ♪
These guys, too.
[distant screaming]
-Huh? -[crow cawing]
Uh...
Everyone’s scared of you. Little itty bitty Bin Laden.
But I'll show you something really scary.
-Ehh... -[munching sounds]
-Hey. -Hi.
You seem down.
[scoffs] Yeah.
You wanna come further down?
Like to Hell?
[creepy chanting music]
Uh...
[Thorn] Here we have Vlad, Deathface, and Tony.
Hey. I'm Tony. I'm the Italian one.
Tony, please, be quiet.
Can I sit here and have lunch? I lost my friends today.
We know. It’s so fucking cool.
It is?
I really gravitate towards dark energy.
We used to be the scary ones around here, man.
And now you're the scariest thing at school.
And it's just because you're Muslim!
I mean, we all know it's the white kids that are the real danger.
We gotta dress like the devil to even get an eyebrow raised around here.
Join us, Rumi.
Don't run from the fear, become the fear.
Uh, yeah, the thing is... I don't really worship Satan.
[all laughing]
You think we actually worship Satan?
To believe in Satan, you'd have to believe in God.
We're hardcore atheists.
We just use the Judeo-Christian imagery of Satan
to scare the fucking idiots who believe in that crap.
To challenge the existing religious paradigms.
If it freaks out the normies? Sure, we'll play their stupid game.
But we do have beliefs.
We believe in love, friendship, veganism, and knowledge.
We hate hate.
That's why our band is called Hate Hate.
Wow, I love that! I mean, I hate it.
Or am I allowed to love it?
You can love it. It's okay. [hissing]
So, what do you say? We lost our lead singer, Darius.
Oh. What happened to Darius?
His parents, they freaked out. Sent him to private Christian school.
Yeah. They're probably stuffing him with pizza as we speak.
I'm sorry, you're saying that Darius's parents
took Darius out of school because Darius worshipped Satan?
Yeah. [chuckles] I'm in.
Fuck yes, Rumi!
[all] Hail Satan!
-[heavy metal playing] -[all hissing]
Oh, no. Dr. Riley, what you are wearing?
A hijab. In solidarity with your Muslim struggle.
Uh, yes. I am not sure that this is necessary.
You know, because men are not supposed to--
Tell women what to do. I know.
Men cannot overpower women.
Okay. Right. Yes. That is not what I'm saying.
It is just the hijab is for women and not--
Sharia, I will not let your voice be silenced.
We will find whoever committed this heinous crime.
-Ooh, bite mark! -Really?
These fuckers just can't resist biting.
I can't believe someone would do this to our home.
I wish they understood that we're upset, too.
We're scared just as much as everyone else.
Hmm? Oh. Sorry, Sharia, didn't catch that. Kind of hard to hear with this thing.
You didn't hear what I said?
But your fabric is very thin!
It sure is, and it makes me appreciate your experience even more.
You know, they say walk a day in a man's shoes,
but I say try a woman's thin hijab, am I right?
[sighs] Yes, you are right.
All right, let's go look at these samples.
[Arabic music playing]
Cutting out of work midday with another lady in a hijab.
[meows]
-I bet they're fucking. -[meows]
I bet they're all fucking.
[heavy metal playing]
[Rumi singing] ♪ Evil, evil ♪
♪ I love being evil ♪
♪ Let's all be evil And get kicked out of school ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You think you can be a little scarier, man?
Sorry. I'm not used to punk rock.
This isn't punk. Punk rock is so mainstream lame.
[whining] "Mommy, can you please take me to Hot Topic?"
Rumi, it kind of sounds like you're doing a poem or something.
We need Satanic verses. Rushdie not Rumi.
Do you think we're frickin' dumb? Do you?
-Whoa, whoa! -How about we just take a snack break?
Connect with our lower selves.
[all hissing]
[breathing heavily]
[screaming]
Yeah, okay, just like 9/11, much?
[Brock] Fuck! Chad’s dead!
Chad!
I’m the Jersey Devil, my shoes don’t match!
[gasping] Too much. It's too much!
[screaming]
[heavy metal growl] It's because of me! They're in a coma because of me!
Nobody knows! But it's because of me!
I put them in the coma! I brought the drugs to the party!
I put them in the coma!
[heavy metal guitar]
Grandpa!
Whoa, Rumi! You sound fucking awesome!
Wait, did you just see my--
See? We heard, man. Holy shit!
You got it in you, man! Those lyrics-- wow!
"Because of me!" That is some scary shit right there.
Hit it again.
-[mic feedback] -[heavy metal playing]
[with growl] ♪ It's because of me ♪
♪ Because of me ♪
♪ It's too much It's become too much ♪
♪ I don't want to be here anymore ♪
♪ Take me back to Egypt ♪
[heavy metal continues]
[grunts]
Hand these fliers out. Pop-up concert tonight.
Uh, wait, what is this? Coma concert?
Those lyrics you were death screaming last night,
like, about the coma kids?
It was so inspiring! We figured let's throw some real chaos.
Head to the hospital, bring some attention to what happened.
I mean, clearly the government is hiding something.
The government? People know about the FBI?
I mean, I don't know for sure, but probably.
[scoffs] FBI's behind everything, right?
This whole thing's got Bay of Pigs energy.
Uh, yeah, I wouldn't know. I think Bay of Pigs is haram for us.
[school bell ringing]
What the hell are you doing with Thorn?
She's my bandmate.
Motherfucker, I saw that hug. That didn't have band energy.
Felt Romantic To Me
I've been in love with her since third grade.
I talk about it, like, every single day!
First you take my hate crime, now you take my love?
Look, it's not like that.
You've changed, Rumi.
[heartbeat pulsing]
[EKG beeping]
[flatline]
Don't be scared.
-[Rumi screams] -Ya Allah! You look like Marilyn Manson.
G-G-Grandpa? Is that really you?
Kind of. I've become a jinn for a bit. [coughing]
It’s nice but I still have this cough, astagfurillah.
Wait, a jinn? What are you-- What does that even mean?
Listen, habibi, I see you going to darkness.
It's a path I chose, too.
You don’t want to end up like me.
[in Arabic] No power or strength except by God.
[in English] You're supposed to be better than me.
Better than your hormonally-imbalanced father,
astagfurillah.
You’re our family’s only hope, inshallah.
It's too much pressure. Can't you see how much I'm fucking up?
I haven't seen all of it.
I've been busy haunting a lot of people who pissed me off.
But you, habibi, I love.
I love you, habibi.
I don't care how much you've messed up, because you're the boy.
I love you.
Um, I... Uh, thank you, Rumi.
Hi, Mrs. Malcolm. I was just saying I love you... all.
To the school.
Yeah. Yeah, I was just sending my love to the school
because I think I'm leaving soon.
Oh, my God, really?
I heard your family was asked to go back to Africa,
but I was hoping that you wouldn't go.
You-- you really want me to stay?
Of course! You're one of my favorite students, Rumi.
But if Africa is calling, I understand.
I will miss you the most.
[Arabic-style singing] ♪ Back to the Straight White Dentist Office ♪
-[Dr. Riley] How are the kids? -Oh, great. Yeah.
My daughter, she is fantastic. She is my star child.
She is running for class president.
But my son, Rumi. [sighs] Unfortunately, he is, uh, very troubled.
Oh, he has time. The Prophet, peace be upon him,
was forty when the holy Quran was revealed to him.
Imagine it. You're sitting in a cave on Mount Hira,
and Angel Jibril starts reciting Al Fatihah.
You know what? You know quite a bit about Islam.
Oh, well, I read about it on this new funky website called Wikipedia.
I also learned you must always have the humility to ask Allah for help.
[in Arabic] In the name of Allah, the most gracious and merciful.
[in English] Holy fuckballs! It worked.
[gasps] Who is it?
He might be more troubled than you think.
What? Rumi?!
He bit our own house?
[in Arabic] God forgive us...
[in English] Rumi! Rumi! Where is Rumi?
I don't know, being Satanic?
He was handing these out at school.
Satanists. They're a bitey bunch.
Sorry. Who are you exactly?
This is my boss, ya Mona.
Dr. Riley? I didn't recognize you.
Yeah. I don't understand your covering, bro.
I've never seen a dude with that.
I don't need you to understand. It's between me and Allah.
Bold. Very bold.
Hello, Teta.
[in Arabic] How do you collect these male idiots?
What's he wearing?
All of your men are ruining our faith.
My men?
Yes! Look!
[in English] Now, you came to America
because you were scared of the Middle East, correct?
Oh, yes. Very, very scared.
And you find America to be better, far superior?
Of course! Egypt is very dangerous.
The pyramids are sharp.
You can get hurt or cut Nobody tells you this.
But here in Amrika, everything is soft,
including my hot dogs.
Come to Harry’s Halal Hot Dogs!
On the corner of 48th and Avenue of the Amrik--
[beep]
[announcer] Hey you, you're a little too horny for your wife to handle?
Here's an idea: become a soldier!
[Teta making guttural noises]
Ya Allah!
Allah help us. Oh merciful lord.
Say it back, now, y'all! Okay.
Just look at all these sheeple ready to be scared out of their normie minds.
What is a normie?
A consumer, Rumi. Someone trapped by all the distractions.
They're Pokemon'd out losers.
What's Victoria's secret, Rumi? What is it?
It's that she's getting filthy rich while we all suffer.
And it never ends, Rumi. Look around.
Everyone here is sick. They're on their last dying day,
and all they do is watch soap operas and eat puddings.
They're looking for fake light in real darkness.
Time to wake them up! The old people and the coma kids!
You think we could actually wake them up?
I know we can.
The decibels we're gonna hit could wake anybody up!
[heavy metal growl] Yeah. Let's wake up the kids!
Let's get kicked out of this town!
[heavy metal playing]
[screaming] ♪ Help me! Help me! ♪
♪ I'm fucking trapped in this fucking suburban paradox! ♪
♪ Suburban paradox ♪
♪ It's a suburban paradox ♪
[both] ♪ The people are sheep The people are sheep ♪
♪ Corporations are wolves ♪
♪ Those are bigger sheep Bigger sheep, scarier sheep ♪
♪ Help me! Help me!
♪ Satan! Satan! Satan! Satan! ♪
Hey, stop right now! What the hell's happening here?
[chuckles] We're not afraid of the FBI.
We're fighting back. You can't stop us!
-Right guys? -[glitch sound]
We're sorry, sir. It was nothing.
We meant no disrespect to the FBI.
Seriously, sir, this wasn't even our idea!
Uh, what?
Please, don't arrest us. I really want to go to an Ivy.
I can't have this on my application.
Rumi made us! Islam!
Thorn!
Get out of here, you beautiful rascals. Keep those records clean.
Get into those schools.
Continue your family's path of generational wealth,
and make America proud! I'll handle him.
-You dipshit. -[screams]
Hussein!
[chewing] Habibi, what are you doing here?
Eh?! What you are doing?
I went to the halal cart, and they told me
you were here having a meeting with Roger Ailes?
Yes, yes. They say he's the big dog.
He wants to meet me especially.
So they said, "Hussein, wait here."
I've been waiting for five hours.
They gave me this cheese plate. So very, very good.
Monster cheese is amazing, Sharia.
-It’s muenster. -Who is this guy?
Dr. Jeffrey Riley, Straight White Dentist.
Your wife's been working for me for three years.
Right. Right, right, right.
[in Arabic] Did you convert the dentist?
I saw you on TV.
The things you were saying... they're all wrong.
[in English] Nobody wants soft hot dogs! Are you crazy?
[in Arabic] Habibi, listen to me.
[in English] It's called marketing strategy.
[in Arabic] The people love it. This whole situation is 100%
You don't see what's happening.
Your son has become a devil worshiper.
[in English] And you're not even paying any attention.
You don't have to do this.
It's important to thank The Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him,
for all our blessings, right?
Right.
Hussein, Rumi's the one who wrote those hate words on our garage.
Your son is a hate vandal.
Rumi? No. Why would he do something like that?
Because we are not there for him.
-We need to do something. -We must protect our boy!
What the fuck?
Mr. Ailes is ready for you now.
He's waiting for you in the Situation Dungeon.
I need to do this. This is business.
Ya Allah!
[yelping]
I thought we agreed not to open our stupid fucking mouths.
Now you're here with your stupid fucking lamb
screaming about stupid fucking secrets?
Bahh!
I can't do this, Dan! I feel so guilty!
All this pressure, I just... I need to leave!
[heavy metal growl] I need to leave!
Stop with that shit!
Pool. Party. Powder.
-You! -Damn it!
-Put these on. -What?
[zapping]
Hey, buddy. You're lucky to be alive.
You were in a coma induced by the peanut butter and jelly sandwich
you ate at Courtney's pool party.
You've been allergic since birth. Deadly reaction.
-In fact, you're still in a coma. -Got it.
-Go back in the coma. -Okay.
Holy shit! Is that real? I though it was just in Men in Black.
Let me tell you something, Rumi. Most movies are completely real.
Especially the talking dog stuff.
Frank the Pug from Men in Black, he's living with a family in Reseda.
Now we pay him not to talk.
What about talking lambs?
-Not yet. Too expensive. -Bahh!
Just neuralize me, okay, Dan? Just put me out of my misery!
I don't want to remember anything!
Oh, Rumi, you remind me of a younger version of me.
So curious, so stupid.
So accidentally entangled
in huge government conspiracies that will shape your entire life.
I love this version of you.
Don't go changin' to try and please me.
That's a Billy Joel tune.
Ah, shit. Uh...
These kids are probably gonna wake up eventuallly, okay? And even if they don't,
part of being a man is understanding the realities of collateral damage.
Freedom runs on lives, Rumi.
That's the FBI's real motto.
Now get the fuck out of here.
[ominous music playing]
-[Sharia] Rumi. -[gasps]
I heard about your love for Satan.
It was just a phase.
And it won't happen again. I'm sorry.
No more Satan.
I know your father has been too absent and too busy,
and as a result has failed you as a baba.
I want to make up for your father's neglect.
End of candle effect.
I guess I have felt alone sometimes. Yeah.
I have two friends here who will keep you company for as long as you want.
And they are called... my sandals!
One and two!
I should have spanked you with them a long time ago!
What?
What you did on the garage was bad, Rumi.
Sandal spanks create true love.
My mother hit me with the ShibShib.
And then her mother hit her with the ShibShib.
And now I hit you with the ShibShib, because I love you!
[screaming]
[in Arabic] This is confusing. How many spanks?
Come! Come here!
-Ha! -Ahh!
-[speaking Arabic] -[Rumi grunts]
[in English] Take your sandal spanks and go paint the garage!
Fine, I’m doing the garage!
Um, why are you painting our garage?
'Cause I'm sorry about the hate crime.
I just finished my family's garage and I'm here to do yours too.
Rumi, we moved after that. Remember?
This isn't the same garage. This is a virgin garage.
Nothing has happened to this door... until now, I guess.
Ah, shit.
Look, you picked a nice pastel, I'm not gonna lie.
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you about Thorn.
I know, I just still can’t believe you got attention from her, man.
I've been trying to have her see me for years, you know?
Listen, man, Thorn doesn't deserve you.
And you know, she's changed. I think she's vegan now.
Yeah. It's just really dark.
Yeah. [scoffs] I don't want any life like that.
Hey, let's make some clouds so it's, like, floating.
-Make it... -Look like Castle in the Sky.
You fuck with Castle in the Sky?
Yeah. Ever since you told me about it.
Bro, Miyazaki does not miss. [chuckles]
[whimsical music playing]
[fire roaring]
[Miyazaki creatures scream]