[digital camcorder loading]
-[inspiring music playing] -Hi, my name is Mona Hussein,
and I'm running for Class President.
In Arabic, Mona means "unfulfilled dreams."
Why would my parents name me something so depressing?
That's for my future therapist to figure out.
But I'm here to prove they named me wrong,
and I'm here to make all of our dreams come true.
Some of you have been asking about my family.
I know there's suspicion.
That’s why I’m giving you all-access to my life.
And my family's life. We're gonna be real.
The Real World... Hussein Style!
[school bell ringing]
I'm sorry, y'all. The softball game starts in ten,
and I've got to get it on tape for AV Club.
The school only has one camcorder
right now, all right? I'm doin' a whole lot.
My house tonight, Marcus.
Dev, who's my biggest threat in this election?
Gaye Martine-- she's French and she plays the flute.
Obviously, people love the flute. It's an enchanting instrument.
-That's a given. -But here's the bad news--
last week, half the grade discovered French kissing,
and they think she invented it.
She's been Frenching that fucking flute. We need dirt on her, quick.
-What do you have? -She's got great grades,
calls her grandmother twice a week, and, the more I look into it,
she might have actually invented that kiss.
Dev, I need to be Class President!
I've been plotting this since the third grade!
It's my best shot at a Harvard scholarship.
Otherwise, my dad said he's gonna send me to affordable college.
-What's "affordable college?" -A gift card to Barnes & Noble.
I mean, they've got all the books. Man, brown dads are genius!
[Hussein muttering]
♪ Hello, hello, neighbors ♪
♪ You're afraid of us near you ♪
♪ But the only blood we want ♪
♪ Is to bleed red, white, and blue ♪
♪ I know you think we're scary ♪
♪ But I swear to you we're fun ♪
♪ We will prove to you our love ♪
♪ We will be number one ♪
♪ Number one ♪
♪ Family ♪
♪ In USA ♪
♪ Number one happy family ♪
♪ In USA ♪
[crying] Please don't shoot.
Take the boy!
Hello, I am Hussein.
But some people call me Halal Harry.
[in Arabic] Enough! In this house, you are Hussein.
[in English] Sharia, this is my practice for the Fox News!
No, it's not. This is for my campaign.
I need to get this right!
I'm gonna become class president, then go to Harvard,
then State Senator, then finally, President of the USA.
Oh. No, habibi. Nobody with the name "Hussein"
could ever become president of this country.
What if Hussein was the president's middle name?
-Never happening! -Let's cut.
This is big for me. Can we please keep it together?
Yes. I am ready for the camera. Action. Light. Production.
Hi, Halal Harry here.
Elect my daughter, I'll give you a hot dog.
-We're not rolling. -Good, good. I can do better.
Hello, hi, I'm Halal Harry.
Elect my daughter, I'll give you a hot dog.
Softest hot dog you ever saw.
Don't believe me? Touch it.
[in Arabic] Ow! Sharia! Stop already! I'm practicing!
Your daughter needs you.
Okay? She needs her father.
Go teach her right from wrong.
[in English] What about my needs? No one is helping me.
You're old. You're not supposed to be helped.
You do the helping.
This video isn't going to work. How are we gonna get people on our side?
Oh. What if you just give everybody something they want?
Like a Discman or a Gameboy Advanced?
-Get the fuck out of here, Rumi. -Okay, yeah.
-How much money do we have? -$5. And your dad donated that hot dog.
You know, I gotta say, this is soft.
I didn't understand what he meant when he said "soft hot dog,"
but soft is good!
I've been eating hard hot dogs this whole time.
Almost makes me feel like the old hot dogs could've chipped my tooth.
-[groans] -It's gonna be okay, queen.
All right, quick update on Chad and Braylen,
our beloved coma students.
Chad woke up briefly last night
during a bout of violent, explosive diarrhea.
He shit himself so hard that he ended up shitting his own dick clean off.
Good news-- doctors were able to successfully reattach Chad's dick,
but we won't know if it's working until he wakes up and tries to use it.
For all of you asking if Braylen is still having her menses,
the answer is a resounding "yes."
She has also been having violent, bloody diarrhea
and violent, bloody menses almost non-stop.
The doctors say they've never seen so much blood and diarrhea
in their entire lives.
And now, a word from our Class Presidential Candidates.
First-- oh, it says to pronounce it fancy-style--
Gaye Martine.
-[applause] -Bonjour everyone! [flute playing]
[cheering]
As you know, my name is pronounced 'Guy-Yay," not "Gay,"
because my family is French, which means we're sophisticated.
I'm sophisticated. I play the flute.
-[flute playing] -[more cheering]
While I wasn't born in France, I still carry what we call "elegance."
That's like being elegant but in French, so it's more.
-[flute playing] -[more cheering]
For too long, we have suffered from candidates with preposterous promises.
I'm a straight-shooter-- bang, bang!
Can my opponent say the same?
Mona, are you a straight-shooter?
-[flute playing] -[audience laughing]
I'm a little suspicioné.
That's French. Suspicion.
-[flute playing] -[cheering]
[Mona] Damn! That flute really works!
I wish I knew an instrument!
Don't worry, babe, okay? Stick to your message. You got this!
Vote for me! I'm Gaye. I'm not gay. Thank you.
[Principle Dennis] Next up, Mona Hussein.
Clap for your future president, you ingrates!
You're looking at this country's next Dick Cheney!
I know what you're thinking-- he's actually Vice President.
But who do you think is really calling the shots? Cheney and Rumsfeld.
Obviously, Rumsfeld was hated by George, Sr.
But you know who loves him? George, Jr.
Yes. That is absolutely a father-son dynamic
being played out on the world stage.
Rumsfeld and Cheney will take advantage of all this tension
and take our country in a dark direction.
All because George, Sr. never really told George, Jr. that he loved him.
Anyway, you know who we love? Mona! That's right!
We love you! Whoo! You got this!
Good morning! I, too, admire a search for truth.
As a Muslim woman who was the victim of a hate crime
and the sister of a Muslim brother who is clearly underdeveloped,
I admire justice.
-Uh, okay. -Justice!
If you vote for me, I can't give you prom on a boat
or Fridays off. And, yeah, I can't play the flute.
[guy in audience] Boo! Fuck you!
But what I can give you is...
is... a Discman!
[gasps from audience]
If you vote for me, you will get a brand-new Discman
and a Gameboy Advanced!
-[cheers and applause] -What are you doing, Mona?
Mother fuck, what are you doing?!
[Mona] Thank you.
[Arabic vocalizing]
Anyone have any requests on what we should make dua for today?
-Shh! What are you doing? -Requesting duaa.
Yes, hi. Salamu alaykum. I have a suggestion.
I have been having trouble locating my father.
Um, his body was lost by Delta Airlines, actually.
And I feel like his spirit is trapped here on Earth,
and I really need it to go away so that I can be at peace.
Is there a duaa we could do for that one?
Oh. What happened? Why everyone is being so quiet?
Every question Nabeela asks is rhetorical.
Every week she says, "Does anyone have duaa?"
Nobody responds!
The second I saw that woman, I knew she was a bad Muslim.
I mean, wearing that hijab tied on the side like that--
[laughs] not the right way, lady! I do like her shoes, though.
I'm not gonna lie. When I first walked in, I was pretty intimidated.
I thought, 'I’m going to feel way more at home at the mosque,'
but not really.
Marcus, are you sure this is going to help my daughter's campaign?
I don't see how this helps anything.
This kutti Nabeela-- astughfurillah.
[in Arabic] Sharia doesn't know who she's messing with.
Salam Alaykum, Nabeela!
[in English] Hi! How are you darling? [laughing]
-Why are you here? -I just told you!
I need to pray my dead father’s jinn away.
-That's him. -Who's this?
-Hmm? What? -This one here.
The one wearing the baseball cleats.
Oh, that's Gina. She is my daughter's best friend.
She is a big part of the family.
[scoffs] Yeah. I mean, she hopes to be.
-What do you mean? -Oh. No, I shouldn't say it.
It's like really not my place, and I shouldn't even have started this.
But you know, when you start a sentence then you're like,
"Finish it, Nabeela!" Then, it's like the end of the sentence
and you're like, "Oops, you did it." Okay, I will tell you.
Well, this Gina, she is-- how do you say--
a major gay. You can tell just looking at her.
-The shoes say everything. -What?
You know how it is with the gay.
It is contagious. It spreads like wildfire.
That's how the gay works.
Have a great day, sister! You look great today, by the way. Bye!
I'm a bad [bleep] named Nabeela,
and if you don't like it, you're gonna just have to deal-a.
[hold music playing]
[on phone] A Delta representative will be with you in five weeks.
Sharia, hang up the phone.
Unless it's toll-free. Then, I like the music.
I don't think it is.
Hey! What you are doing?!
I was on hold with them for seven hours!
[in Arabic] You son of a bitch!
I swear to God I curse the day I married you, you animal.
[in English] I have some big news. Dev's been running the numbers,
and we've picked up a ton of steam after today's assembly.
But I made some campaign promises,
and I may need to borrow some resources to fulfill them.
-Of course, habibi. -Eh?
I will donate three hot dogs. No bun.
No, I need cash. I made promises.
Cash? No, thank you, habibi. You must learn to never make promises.
Especially the pinky ones.
[in Arabic] Those are demonic.
[in English] Ask Gina's dad for money. He's loaded.
Speaking of your friend Gina, how she is doing?
She's fine.
Oh, okay. Yes, good. Because I was wondering something about her.
You know, I was showing a friend of mine a photo of her,
and they said something about her tendency, maybe?
In dating and romance.
And I just was wondering if you knew anything about that.
Actually, Mom, I've been holding on to a secret about a Gina
for a long time now, and I'd like to come clean about it.
Gina... has been secretly dating Rumi.
-What?! -It's okay, Rumi.
We can't live with secrets anymore.
Ah, Rumi, you picked a woman with a very rich father
who has worked the American dream to his advantage.
Go. Become his son.
He is now your father. I loved you.
-I-- -Yes.
And while we're talking about secrets,
I've been living with a secret for a while now, too.
I'm dating the coma kid, Chad.
What?! You're dating a boy?! I hate you!
Wait. Chad. Chad, Chad, Chad, Chad. He sounds very rich. I love you.
No, no, no, no. My daughter is not dating a twelfth-grade boy!
Who is not even Muslim on top of that!
[in Arabic] No! No dating! God help us!
[in English] Why aren't you mad about Rumi dating?
He's a boy! It's not the same!
Oh right. That’s a different Quran.
I don't understand. Why would Nabeela say Gina was gay?
-Astaghfurallah. -[Rumi yelps]
She probably saw Rumi and Gina making out.
I mean, Rumi looks like a girl from behind.
I do?
At least Rumi and I can live our truths now. Right, Rumi?
I have no idea what's happening, but-- ah!
Yeah, I love Gina. [laughing]
Can you please explain this bombshell of me being Rumi's new girlfriend
and how I'm supposed to go along with this?
My mom thought you were gay, and I had to act quick.
-But I am-- -Do you want me to be Class President?
Or do you want Gaye to be President?
I can only beat Gaye if I'm straight. You know this!
[sighs] Okay.
I promise when I win the presidency, at that very moment,
I will come out. To my parents, to the school.
To everyone.
Now, I gotta go visit my fake coma boyfriend.
Fine. But just so you know, when I commit to something,
I give it 150%. I'm gonna be with Rumi.
[gasps]
I love Rumi, and I want the whole planet to know!
Oh, wow, this is really happening.
This is my boyfriend. Yeah, his legs are short,
but what matters is what's in his head and his pants, everyone!
Rumi, let's go play ball, why don't we?
Uh, okay.
Wow, Rumi!
Nice bomb, Aladdin Qaeda! [laughing]
Oh, yeah? Well, your mom's the bomb.
You're damn right. I love my mom.
Shit. Yeah, that was a compliment.
-Quick, get on my back. -Oh, okay. Yeah, that sounds fun.
[groans]
Whoa!
[angelic music playing]
Whoa! Nobody has ever done anything like that for me before!
I-- I love you.
Listen, listen. Look at me. No, you don't. Okay? No.
Okay, yeah. Maybe I don't. All right.
There's something really special happening.
Like Gina's really big and strong, and she protects me.
You know, from like bullies and from the elements.
Like it was raining, and she said, "Rumi, quick,
stand under this awning. Don't get your jersey wet."
And I was like, "Wow! It is so nice to have somebody that cares!"
Look, I probably said "I love you" a little too quick,
but then I started to think, like,
is there such a thing as 'too quick' if I fucking love you?
[heart monitor beeps]
Chad, honey, we brought you your Fahrenheit by Dior.
Brock, spray it for Chad.
Chad, here's your Polo pony's ashes.
Reach out and touch Macaroni's ashes, Chad.
This is the exoneration from your rape case.
Here, I'll fan it against your face so you can feel the paper.
Anita's here, too, Chad. Remember Anita?
Your lawyer from your second rape case? Touch his hand, Anita.
Legally, I'm not allowed to.
How could God have done this to us?
Hi, everybody! Hi!
I'm sorry. Who is this?
Hi, I am Chad's lover. We love each other. We are lovers.
Hey, you're Rumi's hot sister from the school elections.
I'm Brock, Chad's brother.
If he dies, you can be my lover, or I'll kill you.
Rumi? The Muslim kid? Are you Muslim, too?
Muslim? Maybe.
But what I really am is a golfer.
I bet you're a man of the iron, eh?
Why, yes I am, ma'am.
I bet you got a nice set of clubs on your boat, huh, sir?
You know what boat stands for, right?
[both] "Bring Out Another Thousand!"
[all laughing]
-I like you. -I like your whole family.
Especially Chad.
Would you actually mind getting a photo of us two real quick?
Thanks. That photo will help me through this difficult time.
Wow. You’re a "mizzzlaaaam," but you’re one of the good ones.
And Chad is one of the best ones. God, I miss Chad.
Especially now in the heat of the high school class presidential campaign.
He was always such a comforting lover in stressful times.
A-ha, a politician!
I'm just an American woman who bleeds red-white-blue
and hates terrorists.
I'm trying to make the world a better place for when Chad wakes up.
I like your vision, and I want to contribute to your campaign.
Oh, I couldn't possibly.
We insist. In our household, "no" means "yes."
Yes, it does.
[hold music]
[on phone] Apply now for the 3,000 airs in the miles sky card high.
You are 478th in line.
Did someone say cabin fever?
Great job at the mosque.
You have a talent for making everyone hate you.
[groans] I'm going to find you!
Saw you're being haunted again.
Here's a little something to keep the ghouls at bay
for at least one more day.
Bibbity-boom!
-What is this? -Two tickets to the Princess Diana expo.
They got it all! The ashes of Peanuts, Diana's childhood pet guinea pig,
all the clothes, Dodi's baby teeth-- which I am very interested in.
Oh my God! I've been trying to get tickets to this!
It has been sold out for months! How did you do it?
I had to go through a scalper. My stepkids will never go to college anyway.
They're really, really bad kids-- dumb and full of rage.
So what do you say? You and me, Princess Di expo?
Yes! That sounds amazing!
Great. Everyone out!
Look, um, just everyone floss, okay?
Take the string, put it in your teeth, go in and out.
If you did that, you wouldn't even need me.
No one in my life has ever needed me!
Shall we go?
[drumcore music]
-Whoa. What is all this? -Walk and talk with me.
Mona, I don't know what you said, but Chad's dad gave us a lot of money.
We can definitely afford the CD players and the Gameboy Advanceds now.
The numbers are great on you and Gina as a couple, too,
which reflects positively on your sister.
The whole school is talking about you two.
They think it's weird you're dating, but they believe it.
Well, maybe they believe it because we're in love!
[muffled protests]
-What's happening here? -Yeah. Looks like he's fallen for me.
What's happening is Gina is my girl now, okay?
I'll fight you for her. I'll lose my fight virginity.
I don't give a fuck if you're my sister. I'll end you.
Because I have never felt this way before. Bitch.
Is he serious?
Don't sound so surprised. I'm a catch.
Sometimes I think you forget that.
Just give me one more day. I promise by this time tomorrow,
I'll make everything right, okay?
-Okay. -Not okay.
It's not okay! [yelling]
[yelling gibberish]
[grunting, groaning]
[flute playing]
[announcer] Welcome to the Gabagool School Presidential Debate,
brought to you by the Student Council
and a generous donation from the Mona Hussein Charitable Trust.
We will start the evening with questions from the audience.
[mic feedback]
Hello. Blind Dale here.
They know, Dale. They can see you.
My question is for Gaye. What do you plan to do as President
to make life more fair for blind students?
[screams]
Thanks for your question, Blind Dale.
But before I answer that, I have something to say about my opponent.
Mona Hussein is not who she says she is.
Neither is her weird little brother and her-- air quotes-- "best friend"
and campaign manager, Gina.
Or shall I say, Va-Gina?
As in "vagine." J'accuse.
What are you trying to say?
This photo catches you and Gina, your lover, in the act.
-[audience gasping] -Bisou bisou, Mona.
It's very risqué. That's a French risk. [plays flute]
These pictures are simply me...
helping my brother have a secret relationship with Gina.
Which, as you know, is no longer secret.
-That's preposterous! -You want the truth?
I do have someone special in my life who I am faithful to.
-Chad. Coma Chad. -[audience ooh's and ah's]
There's no way! I've never seen you two together.
Maybe it's better to hear it directly from Chad's parents--
Aaron and Candy Brookings-Winstone.
That's right. They kept their love secret because of Chad's issues
to which he has pled not guilty, may I remind you.
Chad finally had something to fight for,
so don't you dare call our son's girlfriend a queer!
Thank you, Brookings-Winstones, to the best in-laws a girl could ask for.
They have been huge supporters of my campaign.
In fact, if you all look under your seats, you'll find a brand-new Discman!
-[audience gasping] -You can take it with you on the go.
Promise fulfilled!
You get a Discman! You get a Discman! You, you, you!
[cheering]
[flute plays] I--
-[cheering] -I, uh--
My flute! If you could only hear it!
[plays flute softly]
You smell that? It’s Penhaligon's Bluebell-- Diana’s favorite perfume.
[sniffs] Ah, they had it pumping out of the vents.
It's like we're walking in her bosom.
[slurps] I'm having such a great time, Dr. Riley.
Surrounded by all these wonderful Diana fans!
This is such an amazing community.
I'm having the best time, too.
Your husband is so cool with us hanging out all the time.
[sighs] Every since he started working at Fox News,
I barely even see him.
Trust me, he has no idea what I am up to.
According to Holy Islam, a man and woman should never be alone together.
-But lucky for us, we have our ghosts. -So true!
At least until I can get ahold of Delta.
-Sharia? -Nabeela?
[royal fanfare playing]
So you're a Diana fan.
-The biggest. -Really? I'll be the judge of that, okay?
[chuckles] What was Diana's favorite color?
-Easy-- pink. -Her birthday?
July 1st, 1961.
Theories about her death?
Don't you mean her murder?
[gasps] That's exactly what I mean.
I made a yarn board to make the connections.
I keep asking myself who had the most to gain from her death.
[both] Boy bands.
Oh my God! You see it, too!
The evidence is right in our faces. If Diana stayed powerful...
[both] ...who would've cared about the boy bands in the 1990s and early-aughts?
No one!
This is what I'm saying!
Backstreet Boys, N*Sync, O-Town? All of them?
Absolutely.
If what you're saying is true, then I'm gonna start calling them N*Stink.
That's right, I said it! Stinky, stinky boys!
Who would want Diana gone? She was such a humanitarian.
Remember when she hugged the leper?
It might have been boy bands or maybe it was something else.
All I know is Diana meant so much to the women across the Arab world.
She was just like us! An arranged marriage, tough in-laws,
pressure to keep the family's honor, the world criticizing her body,
her devotion to her children despite the injustices,
and then she loved Dodi-- a love that would end colonialism.
Diana was the white world's first Arab woman.
It looks like I've had you all wrong, Sharia.
You know your stuff. You're a die-hard.
A Princess Di-hard.
We're all Di-hards!
Now, should we go check out the Dodi section?
There is no Dodi section. No one actually cares about him.
[N*Sync sounding music plays]
Attention. May I have your attention?
I have just received shocking information. Students, I will be using some profanity,
but it is because it's the only way to properly explain what has happened.
Last night, Presidential Candidate Gaye tried to overdose on allergy pills.
She took so many pills that her stomach entered a state of shock.
She is in a deep state of deep shitting.
Her heart is currently functioning at a low level
because of how intense the shitting is.
Doctors aren't sure when the shitting will stop.
But when it does, she'll be sent to Paris by her parents.
They're currently exploring whether they can transfer her
while the shitting persists.
That's terrible.
[Principal Dennis] There's more. Apparently, she felt very guilty
about accusing Monica-- oh, Mona-- of being gay.
That she wanted to end her own life with allergy pills
to end the crippling shame. Instead, there is now the shitting.
This is not a common side effect of these medications.
Everyone is confused, including me and the medical professionals.
This is just a very sad day.
[clears throat] However, since she cannot fulfill the obligations of the office,
your new Class President is not Gaye. It's Mona Hussein.
-[cheering] -[Dev] Yeah! Mona, I love you!
In all the ways George, Sr. couldn't love his son
and Rumsfeld filled that hole! I'm Rumsfeld!
Let me fill your hole! We love you, Mona!
Let's go to war! Let's pick a spot in the Middle East! Wooooo!
Thank you, Principal Dennis.
I would like to send my thoughts and prayers to Gaye and her family.
I truly hope she survives this incredibly rare physical ailment.
And now, I would like to say something else that some may consider shocking.
Today, I am here to tell you...
-I... am... -Oh my God! She's gonna do it!
-...gay. -[audience gasping]
[Dev] Huh?
Gay... yah... yay...
Gaye Martine!
In spirit, we are all Gaye Martine.
-[cheering] -Master analogy.
And we will get through this Gaye tragedy as a community.
As one Gaye Martine.
I'm Gaye, you're Gaye, Principal Dennis is Gaye.
Gaye's Gaye.
My brother, Rumi, is Gaye.
Yeah, he is!
We, as a student body, are Gaye.
And that's the kind of unity I want to bring to this school
-after this brutal campaign. -[cheering] Gaye! Gaye! Gaye!
What the fuck was that, Mona?
They weren't ready, and I can read a room, Gina.
I gotta trust myself on this one.
Of course you do! It's all about you all the time anyway!
How could I be such a sucker?
You're a user, Mona. You used me, you used Rumi.
You only won because of those evil rich people.
You're pathetic! You're a monster! You're a freakish monster!
-Can I smell your hair? -Rumi, no!
Great news, everybody! Chad just woke up.
He tried to fondle the night nurse. He's feeling like himself again.
[cheering]
Shit.
My granddaughter, Mona, would make an excellent president.
Mashallah, of course.
All Husseins are great leaders.
Look at what we’ve done in Iraq. We could do that for Hackensack.
Just give us a chance, inshallah, you dogs.
She would be even more beautiful than Princess Diana.
God rest her soul. And rest Dodi's soul.
No one ever mentions me. It's all about losing Diana.
The mystery's all about who killed Diana.
But please, who killed Dodi? I died, too.
Wallahi, the world down there is against men.
Men, yani, we suffer.
Inshallah these women will be going to hell.
[angelic end credits music]