[kids murmuring]
[whistle blows]
[Jeff] Capri Suns down! Eyes up here! Listen up!
I've been tasked with a very solemn duty: the Physical Aptitude Exam.
But I know what you young cats are calling it: "The Pube Test."
To play basketball on the school team,
it is policy-- for insurance reasons--
that our players must be developed.
That way the school doesn't get sued if some pubescent player on another team
comes in here, wrecks one of you pubeless little chicken nugget guzzlers.
We will be using the Tanner Scale,
created by James Tanner, 1969.
Yep, 69. You are allowed to laugh.
That is hilarious, definitively.
This is a scale for male maturity.
Basketball is a Tanner 2 sport. Any Tanner 1's
will be sent back to playing the recorder with the third grade.
[gong sound]
If you pass, you'll hear my dong. Pun intended.
All right, let's check some pubes!
[distressing upbeat music]
Uh, how many pubes does one need?
Not sure. Luckily, I'm packing insane bush.
I counted this morning. Lost track at 500.
But I'm sure that's nothing compared to you.
You had Gina, an older chick.
Your dong must be 100% pure pube.
Yeah, yeah. No, I have some. Definitely.
I think you have a great read on the situation.
But I just had a really quick question: can pubes be invisible?
I think so, but only if you have alopecia or you're a burn victim.
Hey, Marcus. Did you already go?
Hell no. One of the perks of racism--
I'm just on the basketball team. No pube test or tryouts.
And honestly, I'm a terrible player.
Oh, shit! Whaddup, superstar?
Are you gonna dunk this year?
You know I'm gonna dunk with my hand and all that. [laughs]
I can't even dribble, motherfucker.
[screaming] I just became the first rolling backpack kid in history
to be a Tanner 3!
I'm basically the Jackie Robinson of wang hair.
Yeah. You know, Dev, I think I'm gonna leave.
I actually don't really like basketball.
Dude, you cannot bail.
Bolting now would scream pubelessness.
And being known as pubeless in middle school
is worse than being a terrorist.
Hold on. Look me in the eyes.
[dramatic music]
[gulps]
-Shit. -What?
What did you see in my eyes?
No pubes.
Eyes don't have pubes!
Eyes are the gateway to pubes, Rumi.
My dad says, "To stare another man in the eyes
is to know his bush."
Ah, fuck your dad-- Shit. All right, look, just keep it down.
Just stay away from me, man, in case pubelessness is contagious.
[Jeff] Hakuna matata! Look at that lion's mane!
-Roar! -[gong sound]
All right, Rumi, it's Tanner time.
Now, drop 'em if you're ready.
[suspenseful music]
I, uh-- You see, the thing is,
today isn't my best pube day.
Oh, my God. I can see it in your eyes.
-That's not a thing. -Of course it's a thing. It's the thing.
Oh, my God. Please, just pass me. I'm begging you.
I'm gonna be real with you. I do not know how pubes work.
All these kids are getting guidance from their dads
that I did not get.
Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, man.
Just chill. I'm here to help you.
Hey, I didn't have a father much myself. I had to learn to be a man on my own.
And honestly, it would be an honor for me to guide you.
I've always wanted to be a role model.
Some think that you get pubes, and then you're just a man.
But no, sir. You gotta become a man,
and then you get the pubes.
Once you learn what it is to be a man, the pituitary gland takes over,
activates, and that creates the pubes.
Okay. How do I do that?
Danger. Men are dangerous beings.
I was a low-pubed individual myself
until, one day, I confronted all my fears. All my demons.
Just started doing dangerous shit.
That very night, my body pubed me out, and I remain hugely pubed to this day.
I'd show you, but pretty sure that'd be a serious crime.
So danger will make me a man.
And being a man will make the pubes.
And the pubes will get me to tryouts.
The tryouts will get me to the team.
And the team will get me to Mrs. Malcolm.
Bingo! Man, I'm an even better role model papa-type than I thought I'd be.
Get here fully pubed by 8:00 a.m. tomorrow,
or else I can't let you on the team, understand?
We all know how much Miss Malcolm loves basketball.
[thuds]
[chuckles] Scientifically impossible.
No pube, no dong. Dong don't lie.
[muttering in Arabic]
♪ Hello, hello, neighbors ♪
♪ You're afraid of us near you ♪
♪ But the only blood we want ♪
♪ Is to bleed red, white, and blue ♪
♪ I know you think we're scary ♪
♪ But I swear to you we're fun ♪
♪ We will prove to you our love ♪
♪ We will be number one ♪
♪ Number one family in USA ♪
♪ Number one happy family USA ♪
[tires screeching]
[sobbing] Please, don't shoot! Take the boy!
Look at us: the first brown Oval Office. The first female president.
You're basically this school's Benazir Bhutto.
-Yeah. -And I'm basically Asif Ali Zardari.
-Who? -Oh, just this other
successful brown politician. And also Benazir's husband.
[sighs]
[Dev] Didn't you used to have to help Gina get ready for her games?
Such a relief you don't have to deal with that shit anymore, huh?
Uh, yeah, I guess.
[knocking] Hi there.
Is it true you pushed your opponent to attempt suicide?
Well, uh, I don't know. Am I in trouble?
Trouble? [chuckles] I'm from Harvard admissions.
I was dropping off materials to the guidance office,
and I heard about you. I had to come shake your hand.
Being that willing to trample another living, breathing human being
for your own personal gain? Oh-ho, I'm impressed.
[sniffs] Oh, yes, I smell it.
You're a sociopath. Total Harvard material.
That's the whole reason I wanted to be president!
So it would look good for Harvard.
I mean, it's the reason I do most of what I do.
Call me when you're ready to apply.
Thank you, Mr. Cruz.
Please, call me Glycon, the snake god.
[in Arabic] Rumi! Stop already!
Tell the waiter what you are ordering.
I'm trying to become a man like Papa Jeff said.
[in Arabic] Who is Papa Jeff?
It doesn't matter. Teta, what's the most dangerous thing that a person can do?
Leave home with your hair wet.
Oh, okay!
[Sharia in Arabic] You animal!
Um, you can't do that here. What's happening?
I'm looking for danger.
Oh. Well, then, you should try our shellfish.
Yeah. I'll try that.
I'm surprised you joined us, Dr. Riley.
I thought you always have dinner at your beloved Applebee's.
Oh, well... [clears throat]
You know, at Applebee's they say pick any three entrees for $19.99.
Well, my wife was like, "I'll take the ribs,
the popcorn shrimp, and the waiter."
[chuckles] The waiter.
Oh. My wife was having an affair with one of the Applebee's waiters.
And now you're wearing a head scarf so she can be more modest?
[in Arabic] Mona! What is this disrespect?
Oh, my God. Dr. Riley, I am so sorry to hear that.
Oh, no, that's okay. What's important is that I can talk about it,
because that's what makes a man, right?
Talking about emotions, right? Am I right?
Someone tell me I'm right!
[wheezing, sobbing]
Please, call me back.
Remember, I've got a plan.
It's the long game.
I love you.
You want some pussy salad?
-What? -Do you want some pasta salad?
Oh! No, I'm good.
So, basically, her sons are still living with me.
They're oddballs, but they mean well.
So they are not on their mom's side with all of this?
Oh, no, they are. They told me they love the Applebee's guy way more,
but they just like my house a whole lot more than his.
Wow! It feels good to unload all this trauma on you guys.
So are you saying that sharing feelings makes you a man?
Uh, yeah, I'd say so. Try it.
Okay. Yeah, I can do this. Um...
[wailing] I'm terrified! My whole life I feel like I've been running!
And I just keep running faster and faster, but I don't know where to!
And it doesn't stop! It never stops!
Brutal! Love it! Manly to me.
Ah, shit.
[waiter] Here's your Sizzler Shellfish Surprise, room temperature.
Ah, yes! [groans]
[Dr. Riley] Let me help you, kiddo.
I'm an avid camper. I know how to deal with nature.
My father was an outdoorsman, taught me a lot.
Okay. Hold the fork down, then slice.
But you know, from my time in the forest with my dad,
sometimes you don't have silverware.
So I'm also a fan of straight-up biting meat.
[grunting]
So it sounds like the outdoors are dangerous.
Do you think you could take me camping tonight before 8:00 a.m.?
I need danger.
Yeah. I'm totally free. My time is all mine.
It's pretty rad... in a way. [grunting]
Hello, family. Habibti Sharon!
[shrieks] What the fuck?! Why is he here? And why is he wearing a hijab?
I feel like the real question is, why are you not wearing yours, hmm?
He is here because he is taking Rumi camping tonight.
Finally, someone to teach our son about manhood!
Manhood? How can he be a man when he wears the hijab?
No one will camp with my son without me.
You've made a laughing stock of our family.
I saw The Good Ones. What are you doing?
This is disgusting!
What am I doing? [speaks Arabic] I'll tell you.
I am part of a beautiful new program at the Fox News.
They are taking all of the human beings who are misunderstanded--
the Blacks, the Arabs, the Chinese--
all the different kinds of Chinese--
and they are showing Amrika the good ones.
But I will have you know, I am the goodest one!
[in Arabic] Enough stupidity! What are we, on Maury?
Rumi needs a boys' night, and Mona needs girls' night.
Mona, you love girls' night, huh?
Yeah, sure. I mean, I like any night.
All nights. I love all nights equally.
Boys ones... and girls.
Yes, yes, yes. Girls' night!
Oh, cool. The romantic comedy, Notting Hill.
Yes! I found many photos of Julia Roberts
in your drawer once. You remember?
So I thought this would be perfect to celebrate your presidential victory.
This movie, it is an epic love story
between Hugh Grant, who is very handsome, [speaks Arabic]
and Julia Roberts, who you admire.
Um, yeah.
Wonderful! I will make the popcorn.
-Mona, we need to talk about-- -Butter?
[in Arabic] Yes! Actually... ghee.
We don't have any, so you have to get it from the store.
Okay!
-[tires squealing] -I want to say--
[in Arabic] Hamdulilah! There was no line!
[in Arabic] Okay, let’s go!
Women's night! [trilling]
Ah, Mr. Hussein, I'm so glad you came.
I would've hated if your feelings were hurt.
Feelings are filth, brother.
Don't pollute my son's mind with that garbage.
Rumi, you want to be a man?
Keep all your emotions bottled up. It's good for you.
Uh, okay, yeah. I am happy. I am not sad.
I am definitely not stressed.
-[thud] -[sighs]
I haven't done deep woods camping in a long time.
Aren't we just in your backyard?
Me and my dad spent a lot of time in the forest.
I'm a little traumatized from that time.
But let me whip up a shelter.
[jaunty music]
Okay?
Let's talk fire.
You now have the power of fire in your hands, Rumi.
Hit the rocks.
Yes, yes. Hit the rocks for manly fire, brimstone,
shabang bang, as they say.
Harder! Come on, harder! Harder!
Ah, yes! Sweet flames. Sizzler!
-[thud] -All right. Okay, so now-- [groans]
Get down!
Take cover! Follow me!
Eh, sorry, those are my stepsons.
Okay, boys! You gave us a scare. Let's take a break, okay?
-You want to camp? -Shut up, asshole!
[chuckles] This is how we joke. They're such silly geese.
Feel our horny wrath!
Uh, horny?
[sighs] Do you use the internet, Hussein?
Internet? No, never. Rumi uses it for homework.
Well, my sons were raised by it. Their father is a computer.
Their dad's a computer?
Yeah, their mom would literally-- ow!-- fuck anything,
and she fucked a computer. And that's-- shit!-- totally up to her.
She is a beautiful woman.
She sounds very, uh, complicated.
Yep. So my sons were literally raised by the internet.
Everything they know, they learned from their computer daddy.
I'm the opposite-- shit!
I hate the internet. I was raised in nature.
Ah! What do we do? I only have three-- ah!-- more hours
to find out how to be a man.
Ah! Okay. Enough with all the man shit, Rumi.
Men don't know how to be-- ah!-- men.
It's time you hear that.
If we knew, we wouldn't be in this situation.
My father never taught me. I can't teach you. Ah!
Hey, yeah, same! I grew up-- ah!-- without a father.
When I came upon manhood, I ran away to the woods.
That's when I met my dad. Shit!
My beloved dad.
[jaunty music]
I never met my real mother. Many say I should have been aborted.
My father, a full-grown Castor canadensis.
A North American beaver.
Daddy Beaver saved my life and taught me about the forest.
It's actually where I learned to love and respect teeth.
He was the role model I craved in my life at that time.
I love you, Daddy.
[gunshot]
[gunshots]
[screaming] No!
Oh, okay, okay. So your dad is a beaver,
but their dad is a computer.
Isn't life a gift?
[bellowing]
[grunting, panting]
[Dr. Riley] Ah, fuck! They're back on the HGH!
Ah! The shopping network?
My wife, she's always on HGH.
Very dangerous program.
We lose so much money!
HGH is human growth hormone.
I thought it would get them in touch with their bodies,
but now all they do is fuck squirrels and try to kill me.
Ah! Fuck me! [sighs]
They're just angry, horny muscles and pubes flying everywhere.
Ah!
Wait, pubes! Hey! Where is the HGH in the house?
It's in my upstairs bathroom. I got a bunch of vials.
I am too generous. Just like my beaver daddy.
[grunts]
Ah, shit!
[on TV] But I'm Hugh Grant. I'm British. How can you deny me?
I live in Notting Hill.
[woman] And I'm Julia Roberts, America's Sweetheart.
I understand where you live. I'm still conflicted.
But, true, we are in Notting Hill.
Yes, we're doing this.
[both] Notting Hill.
Popcorn refill!
I want to talk to you alone, but she's everywhere.
May I take you somewhere private?
Um, okay, but aren't we going to finish Notting Hill?
Enough of this colonial British shit!
You want to smoke hookah? This strand is called "Notting Hill."
Um, sure?
[bubbling]
[exhales]
[ethereal whooshing]
Whoa!
[Grandma] This is my favorite part!
[sniffs, gasps]
[grunting]
Hey, hey. Psst! I have a manly idea.
We retreat into the woods behind us.
There's a little creek. We dive under,
and I'll swim like the beaver my late dad taught me to be.
I like this. Retreat, avoid confrontation. We survive.
You can't be a man if you're dead. Manhood.
Ready? On the count of three.
One... two... three.
[all panting]
Fuck you, A-rab!
It's Arab, not A-rab, imbeciles!
Ow! Stop it! Their computer daddy really messed them up.
We Muslims are always running from the white man's gun.
My butt!
Ah!
Ah! Oh, my God!
I'm doing this!
Habibiti Mona, the year is 1950.
-That's you and Grandpa? -Shh!
[in Arabic] Tomorrow is our day. The communist revolution.
Everything we've been fighting for, Habibi. We will have it all!
[in Arabic] Indeed, my love.
Is that Julia Roberts?
It's okay. Every time you do drugs, you will see Julia Roberts.
She is always in this realm.
People have been seeing her before she was even born.
[in Arabic] My love. We need to talk.
The government is going to arrest communists
and everyone else opposed to the king.
Maybe even kill them. We need to go.
Everyone in the movement is leaving Cairo and heading for Alexandria.
We need to leave now and we'll meet everyone there, inshallah.
[peaceful music]
[Mona and Grandma mumbling]
[sighs]
Oh, shit! What? Hello?
[in Arabic] You lied! No one's here.
[in Arabic] I knew you wouldn't run if I told you the truth!
We're safer here!
[Grandma in Arabic] I should have left him that moment and returned to Cairo.
He tricked me! He always wanted to live in Alexandria. I never did.
They put shrimp in the mulukhiya! Who puts shrimp in mulukhiya?!
But just like the shrimp in the mulakhiya, I drowned myself, habibti.
It happened so fast. Days turned into years.
Years turned into a lifetime of desperate longing
for a past I could never get back.
[in Arabic] That's why when you love something, Mona...
you must seize it.
And if you make a mistake, you must not be afraid to correct it.
Because if you don't, life will take you along with it
and all will be lost, ya habibti.
There will be no boobies to motorboat.
Have the courage to be your true self,
or life will be a journey of regret and pain.
[in Arabic] This is something I know very very well.
Earlier, did you say "pussy" salad?
[chuckles] Uh-oh. Hashish is fading.
[grunts] Whoa.
I guess I'll call my mom to pick us up. Where are we?
Where Joan Cusack fell in Being John Malkovich.
Weird. Saw that movie recently. Very good stuff.
For me? Much better than "Notting Shit." We should watch that.
[grunting]
Huh?
-[gong sound] -[grunts]
[distressing upbeat music]
[deep voice] Oh, shit. I gotta move.
[grunts]
[panting]
[yelps]
It's beaver time! Allahu akbar!
Almost there!
[both gasping for air]
Jesus. Shit! Where's Rumi?
Where is that little shit?
[deep voice] Right here, a-holes!
I'm a big shit now.
And I'm here to avenge my father and your stepfather
and all Arabs who are sick of being called "A-rabs."
[with a growl] It's one word!
[grunts]
[screaming]
[dramatic music]
[panting]
[chanting] Pubes, pubes, pubes.
[groans]
Shit!
[gasps]
[grunts]
Guys, look, listen, please.
I know that your dad's a computer and that your stepdad was raised by beavers,
so it must be really confusing for you to figure out how to be men.
I mean, it's confusing for me,
and my dad's a human raised by other humans.
I just think none of us know what we're doing.
Middle school fucking sucks,
and we're all insecure and scared all the time.
And sometimes I feel like I'll never be a man.
And even if I do, it's like I'll just become my father.
Like I’ll just have all his problems, and all his veins...
and just make them mine.
But I don't want that.
I think being a man is just about doing your best,
about showing compassion,
and about not killing people when you're on HGH.
Right? I love you guys. I see you.
That’s the... gayest thing we’ve ever heard. Dick.
I really gotta get to school. I'm gonna miss my pube test.
[scoffs] Good luck.
Gaylord!
[both laughing]
[clock ticking]
[door slamming]
[Spaghetti Western music]
Rumi! Did you figure it out?
Oh, I don't know. Why don't you tell me?
-[gong sound] -You passed!
You can play ball!
Thank you, Papa Jeff!
[munching sounds]
The curse is broken. Finally, one of us is a man.
[crowd cheering]
[distressing upbeat music]
How could you, ya Mama? Corrupting my daughter?
She is a good girl! A perfect student!
Her mind is not to be rotted by drugs!
[in Arabic] May God forgive us! What is this filth?!
[sighs] Okay, enough. Get out.
I need to take her to the school. She's going to be late.
[sighs] Habibti, I am sorry she did that to you. Teta--
[in Arabic] I don't know what's happening to her these days.
Maybe dementia or Alzheimer.
She never knew how to relate to her daughter.
So different than you and me and how close we are
and how we know every little thing about each other.
Classic mother-daughter relation--
I'm gay.
Um...
[coughing]
This is your fault! I knew it, Astaghfurillah.
[coughing]
[dramatic music]