[vehicle door opens]
[Hussein] ♪ Have you ever been somewhere new? ♪
♪ Where the people They don't recognize you ♪
♪ They don't recognize your degree ♪
♪ They say I've got to go back to school ♪
♪ They make me feel like a fool ♪
♪ Like where I'm from doesn't count ♪
♪ And all I have now ♪
♪ Is I get money for the meat ♪
♪ Money for the meat, money for the meat ♪
♪ 'Cause my baby's got to eat ♪
♪ Money for the meat, money for the meat ♪
♪ Money for the meat ♪
♪ 'Cause my baby's got to eat ♪
♪ I get money for the meat ♪
♪ Money for the meat, money for the meat ♪
♪ I sell meat on the street ♪
♪ Money for the meat, money for the meat ♪
♪ Money for the… ♪
♪ You can't beat my meat ♪
[harmonica playing]
♪ Money for the meat ♪
♪ I've got white sauce on my feet ♪
♪ And sometimes, oh, the people ♪
♪ They don't even eat ♪
♪ I sold a platter the other day To this guy ♪
♪ He didn't finish it ♪
♪ He left it on the side ♪
♪ And all the birds Started to pick at it ♪
♪ And now I've got a bird problem ♪
♪ Money for the meat, money for the meat ♪
♪ Money for the meat ♪
♪ 'Cause my baby's got to eat ♪
I need help getting rid of these birds.
[TV show theme playing]
[announcer] Welcome to another episode of The Good Ones!
The only show where minorities say
the things the majority of us want them to say.
This week we have Urban Donald.
Slavery shmavery, Black-on-Black crime is the real chains!
[announcer] Asian Steve.
I'm Korean, but you can call me Chinese.
[announcer] Stay-at-home Stacy.
When I'm on my period, the last thing I can think about
is being president.
[announcer] And our new Muslim good one.
Say, "Lalalalala," Halal Harry.
[no audible dialogue]
-[cheering] USA! USA! -[no audible dialogue]
[singing] ♪ His name is Halal Harry And that is my name now ♪
♪ Bringing home the money for my honey Dadadada, duh, duh ♪
Here comes the money! [chuckles]
Money, money… money?
-[wind whistling] -[horse whinnies]
Where is everybody?
I'm so sorry, Hussein.
But I… I thought--
Your fist appearance on The Good Ones would make you famous
and bring you tons of business to your Kosher Halal cart?
Nah, dog. People still fear foreign meat.
[chuckles] At least we're making tons of cash for being on the television! Right?
Ha! They've never paid any of us!
They told me I'd get kickbacks from Big Ketchup
if I promoted ketchup on every episode. Nothing yet though.
So why are we doing this?
Minorities who find success in America
were usually at the top of their cousin leaderboards.
We were all at the bottom of ours.
You have cousin leaderboards too?
All non-white families do.
We need to create fake power structures
in a society that denies us access to its real ones.
Being a woman is kind of like being Black.
-I don't think it is. -I keep telling you, you're not Black.
Me and my brother were both the lowest in our cousin leaderboard,
and look at us now.
You have a halal cart. Where's he?
Federal penitentiary.
Jesus Christ Allah. My poor son.
He is the worst cousin. Just like I was.
You gotta do something about it
and make sure your kid's at the top of their cousin leaderboard.
Otherwise, he'll be screwed like us.
You're right. I need to find a way to be a better father.
I need to show my son the tough love.
I will hate him until he is better.
-Damn right. -Yes!
Great plan.
[mandolin strumming]
[Mona] Man, Gina's house is so nice.
I should've bought a present before coming here.
You seem nervous, habibi.
Friendships can be difficult. Difficult but beautiful.
This isn't a friendship.
Women have beautiful friendships.
Sometimes they get confused and mistake them for something else.
But one day you'll look back and say, "Wow!" [chuckles]
"That was a silly phase!
Good thing I didn't tell anyone about it.
Especially my father." [laughs] "It might kill him."
It's not a phase! I'm a les--
Okay! Yalla bina. Let's go to the grocery store.
-No. -No?
Nope. We're going to the mall.
Gina, who's more than a friend, is upset with me.
We're going to buy her nice, expensive things.
And you're gonna pay for them, or else I'll tell Dad that I'm a les--
Okay, shut up! Shut up! We'll get whatever you want.
We'll just put it on our Delta SkyMiles card.
Ah, Lamby, you got me again. Damn, you're good!
Rumi, did you just lose to a lamb at tic-tac-toe?
Fuck! You are fucked!
Look at this, you're still at the bottom of the cousin leaderboard.
The lamb is higher than you!
Yeah, but you said you'd love me no matter what. Right?
Wrong. Listen, Rumi. There is time to save you,
so I have decided I need to be tough on you for your own good.
Do not be like me and your Uncle Ahmed.
He is in prison. And I in the halal cart…
the meat prison.
But, Dad, you're so cool.
Wrong! [grunts]
Look!
Who are all these people?
This was my cousin leaderboard. This is my family.
The ones you don't know, it's because they died.
Many of them from a moped accident in Cairo.
Five of them died, four survived.
There were nine on one moped.
[in Arabic] This is your father.
[in English] You're at the bottom too?
But look here, Rumi.
Even some of the dead cousins are ahead of me.
I didn't do good enough.
And now I need to motivate you to be better than me.
If you aren't on the top cousin of the board, I will stop loving you.
I'm sorry, but this is for your own good.
Hi, baba! I'm gonna go upstairs with all my new stuff.
Yes, Rumi. You go upstairs too. Study.
I want to see you beat the lamb at tic-tac-toe, or no love.
Hussein. Very important.
Do you know when the money will start coming in? From the show?
Money? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Soon, soon.
[doorbell rings]
[glitching sound]
-Hello, brother. -Do you mind if I come in?
If you come inside? Of course.
Our house is very clean and organized.
Please, keep on your shoes.
Wow. Thanks, brother. I've always wondered what it looked like in here.
I've thought about the inside of this house a lot.
I almost wish I could put a camera in here and watch you all the time.
Wow! Thank you, brother. I love you?
I wanted to come by and personally deliver this fruit bowl.
As a congratulations, but also as a condolence.
Congratulations for my television success,
yet condolences for my very dumb son.
No, not your son. Your brother. Uncle Ahmed's about to make history.
He's going to be the inaugural prisoner
at a new, special place we're calling Guantánamo Bay.
Wow. Guantánamo Bay. The bay sounds very beautiful.
Unless it's Bay of Pigs. Very haram.
Yeah. Uncle Ahmed's body will be used as an offering of sorts.
He'll be a pioneer for methods of torture
America has been dreaming about since the Spanish-American war.
It's beautiful, but it's sad.
That's why I put kiwis in this bowl. They're a sadder fruit.
I picked a range of sad to happy fruits.
I put mango because he's making history.
I don't understand the mango.
I get that. That's why I put in extra figs.
You're never gonna see your brother again, Hosni. Condolences.
Condolences. Condolences.
[glitching] Condoleezza Rice.
Hamburger. Wayne Brady Burger. USA. Jesus Christ. Hot dog.
Hussein, your face! What is happening?
I've seen this before. It's a code switch overload.
We've got to save Uncle Ahmed.
How? What are we going to do? Call the President?
That's exactly what I'm going to do.
We need to talk right now, Geo. Call me. Important.
[computer chimes]
-[computer chimes] -[phone ringing]
Really? Whoa!
Hello. Hussein residence.
[on phone] Rumi, guess who. It's Geo.
Geo? Like Geo-rge W. Bush?
You freaking know it there, kemosabe!
It's actually you? Fuck! I didn't think that would work.
You told me to call. The President is here to serve.
Yes, I did, because I need to talk to you about my uncle.
-Ah, don't get me started on family. -[horse whinnies]
I got family in town. Driving me freakin' nuts!
-[Barbara cackles] -You ever feel that way?
Yeah, I do feel that way.
You know, my family, it feels like they all just hate me.
And they call me "weak," but they raised me. Like, I'm their fault.
And now, my one uncle who really loves me,
he's going to a place called Guantánamo Bay,
and I'm never gonna see him again.
Ah, man. [chuckles] Guantánamo.
I'ma keep it real with you, Rumi.
That's all Cheney and Big Rumi.
-Big Rumi? -Rumsfeld.
Big time A-1 prick.
It can't just be them. You're the President!
There has to be something you could do. I thought we were friends.
Why don't we just talk about this mano a mano?
I don't know what that means. I don't really pay attention in Spanish class.
En persona, amigo. I gotta get away from my family.
Can I crash at your place? I'll be right over.
-What? -[line clicks, beeps]
[aircraft approaching]
Helicopters? Guards in a U-shaped protective formation?
-Holy shit! The President's here! -[glitching sound]
-President's favorite pajamas? -Check.
-Pet horse, Daniel? -Check.
-[doorbell rings] -[glitching sound]
Howdy, Mrs. Rumi. Is Rumi here?
Hussein, what would you do if I told you
the President of the United States was at our door?
I would tell him to go fuck himself!
And this entire fucking country for what they have done to my brother.
Okay, well, here he is. Go ahead, tell him.
-Shit! -[glitching sound]
Jesus Christ. Hot dog.
Geo, how'd you get here so fast?
Three words. Transporters.
Whoa! Transporters are real?
Nah. Rumi, that's just in the movies. [makes clicking sound]
Click-click means yes.
Hey, Husseins, mind if I bring in a few things?
I might be staying a little while.
Rumi, how many times have I told you?
No sleepover with friend,
or with 43rd President of USA.
I know. I'm sorry, Dad. I was just trying to help Uncle Ahmed.
I didn't know he would actually come and try and sleep over.
[vehicle doors slamming]
[dog growls, whines]
Trailblazer at his sleepover. I repeat, operation sleeping bag is a go.
What do we do now?
I'm going to go out there and tell Mr. Geo he must free my brother,
or else he will not be allowed to sleep over.
Yes. You show him whose house this is!
Yes! It's our house! And J.P. Morgan's house.
But fully our house in 19 years at 6.95% financing.
Exactly! It is basically our house.
[moaning]
Ah! Got me again! Man, this lamb is good at tic-tac-toe!
-You teach it? -No. She's a natural talent.
Can we please stop playing and just talk about my uncle?
You know, I used to have a horse named Daniel.
He used to do math. He did all my homework.
Got me into Yale!
Mr. President, we received a fruit bowl from your government.
Ah, yeah, Hussein. You got the figs.
You ever tried a fig newton? Hell of a cookie!
Sad but tasty.
What is sad is Guantánamo Bay. I don't want to talk about cookies.
I understand your frustration. I think I can help you.
You will free my brother.
I'll do you one better: I'll help your halal cart make more money.
But what about my… I'm sorry, what did you say?
Money?
Y'all are real nice for letting me stay here.
My family's been driving me a little nuts.
And since I can't help you with this Gitmo thing,
at least maybe I could help you get more sales. [makes clicking sound]
Gitmo… Gitmo… get more sales.
But-But my… my brother… But my sales.
I love you?
Let's talk strategy. Hey, anybody got beers?
We do! Of course, brother!
Hussein, what are you doing?
We love beer, brother!
Damn! I was hoping this would be a dry house
on account of y'all being, uh, Islamic and such,
-but, uh, later sobriety. -What an honor!
The President is getting tipsy in my home!
-[chuckles] We love alcoholism! -[burps]
Oh my--
Stars and stripes! You must be Mona Hussein!
Hey, I'm a huge fan of your campaign.
-What? -Yeah. [chuckles]
The discmans and "as a Muslim woman." [laughing]
Man, they ate that shit right up. I was taking notes.
Hell, everybody in Washington was taking notes.
I had no idea.
Our lizard boy Teddy Cruz put us onto you!
We watch everything. Especially the new crop of leaders.
Well, as a future leader, I'm here to negotiate the release of my uncle,
and I will not take "no" as an answer.
Or how about I help you get into Harvard? [makes clicking sound]
What? You would do that?
Of course. I got a horse named Daniel that will get you right in.
I say that…
that even if my uncle did get out, rehabilitating him would be way too hard.
So, I'm in! Thank you, Mr. President!
This slumber party rocks!
Y'all ready to get fuckin' freaked out?
-Yeah! -No! We need to free my uncle!
All right, spirit of Wild Bill, come on, I give you entrance to my body.
Get me that meeting with JFK.
-[helicopter whirring] -[chattering on radio]
[sobbing]
[clicking sound]
[screams]
Amazing! You're scared of me and not the war criminal staying in your house?
Wait, quick question:
Are you more scared of me or your daughter,
who is blackmailing you so she can be a disgusting lesbian?
-[in Arabic] God forgive us. -[in English] Go away!
Why are you here?
Well, I was in Cairo, but your President's Ouija board summoned me.
I think he has a real one.
You're body is in Cairo! Oh!
[in Arabic] Thank God!
[in English] They found it, but since you maxed out the Delta SkyMiles card,
they won't release it until the debt is paid.
It's in the fine print. You always gotta read the fine print, yani.
[in Arabic] The devil…
[in English] …is in the fine print.
[announcer] Tonight we have a very special segment.
Who deserves to be behind the wheel less?
We'll join Asian Steve and Stay-at-home Stacy
-at the races. -That was a fun one.
We'll see the results. But first, a word from our President.
Hey! Huge fan of the program.
I'm a big fan, though, of this new guy in particular.
Halal Harry, right?
Wow! Thank you, George W. Bush.
Don't forget the W. That is the best Bush of all the Bushes.
King Bush.
Well, thank you. You didn't need to say all that.
But, you know what, at the same time, you did need to say that.
What I'm really here to say
is check out Halal Harry's Kosher Hot Dog cart
outside of the Fox News building right here in New York City.
Best meat on the street!
Wow! I love you. And I love America!
-[cheering] -And I love ketchup!
[chanting] Halal, halal, halal.
[Asian Steve] How about that line around Halal Harry's cart? Wow!
[no audible dialogue]
That's right. Although, you know what's worse than terrorism?
-Say it with me. -[all chanting] Black-on-Black crime.
This country has ruined us.
[Teta in Arabic] I told you not to marry him.
[in English] I know!
[in Arabic] Your father and I fought a lot,
but there was always one thing we agreed on.
We detested imperialism
and could smell a colonialist rat from kilometers away.
I can smell one now. In our house.
[in English] Yeah. The President of the United States is still in our living room.
It is why we are watching TV in the car.
[in Arabic] Do you have a weapon to chase him away with?
[in English] A weapon? Look how much Secret Service there is.
They took away my meat tenderizer. It is too much!
[in Arabic] It really is.
If you're not going to do anything…
Let me be alone with my shame.
[sighs] No. No more.
Hey! You guys wanna make s'mores?
Oh, no, you don't. Not on my carpet!
[laughing] Sharia, please.
No more "Sharia, please."
Sharia doesn't please anyone!
-Is this about me? -Yes! Of course! You are the white devil!
You have always been around in some form or another,
dangling a carrot of money and acceptance in front of us!
[gasps] You will not talk to George W. Bush like that in my house!
-He's helping us so much. -He's a politician.
There's no way he's just an innocent man who wants to help our family.
No, that's fine. I get it. Is there anything I can do?
Oh-ho-ho, don't you try to work your charms on me!
Okay, 'cause I was thinking, you know, with your Delta SkyMiles card,
I could clear all that debt as a way of saying thank you. [clicking sound]
What? SkyMiles? We have SkyDebt?
No! We don't need any more "favors" from you.
-[clicking sound] Too late. -What do you mean too late?
I just cleared your debt.
Any time I say something and go click-click,
it gets done. [clicking sound]
It's connected to a series of wires
that go through our country's database and executes everything I say.
Cheney installed it.
-Say… [in Arabic] …I swear to God. -Wallahi.
[in English] Go ahead, call your bank.
Sharia, you don't need to call. It worked.
Delta has been paid. Now I can be buried.
Alhamdulilah, a proper Islamic burial.
It's true! We have no more debt.
It works! Click-click works!
Give Hussein a full head of hair. Click-click-click.
Sorry there, amigo. It doesn't work that way.
Cheney tried.
[coughing] This means I'll stop haunting you, finally.
Sharia, seeing you stand up to that monster was amazing.
It reminded me of your mother, mashallah, when I first met her.
It makes me wonder,
maybe something about the way I treated her killed that part of her soul.
Oh, well! Off to heaven!
[angelic vocalizing]
Oh, sorry. I was just talking to my deceased father.
Goddamn, this Ouija board's legit!
Look, Mr. President, thank you for helping my dad's business
and for clearing our SkyDebt.
But none of that changes what you're doing to my Uncle Ahmed.
I still think you're an asshole.
Well, that's 'cause I haven't helped you yet, isn't it?
You know, in true Muslim style,
I'm gone genie mode and I granted your family wishes.
Your dad's halal truck, your sister's school,
your SkyMiles card.
Now the last wish. That one, that's for you.
-For me? -Gotta give you a click-click.
Fine. Get my Uncle Ahmed out. Don't send him to Guantánamo Bay.
Okay. Well, I could do that. I could.
Or, now hear me out, I could get Ms. Malcolm to fall in love with you.
Uh, what did you say would be possible?
[Bush] I can get you a love Vili Fualaau could only dream of.
You can't make someone fall in love with someone.
That's impossible, right?
Of course we can! We are the United States government.
How do you think this country fell in love with Matt Damon? He ain't even that cute.
But he did all that math in Good Will Hunting.
It's all illusions, Rumi. Matt Damon's not real.
He's a series of projected lights on an Abercrombie mannequin.
-How you like them apples? -Holy shit!
Rumi, I can make Ms. Malcolm fall in love with you.
Or I can free your uncle. Your choice.
Why can't it be both?
We only have resources for one.
It'll take a lot of brainwashing to make Ms. Malcolm love you. A lot.
You really are evil.
You got a day to let me know what you decide, capisce?
All right, kemosabe? Now, good night.
[snoring]
[Ms. Malcolm, distorted] We have such a good President.
He really cares about people.
Especially our town. He's visiting it.
Rumi can tell us about that, right?
What does he like to eat in the morning? Rumi? Rumi!
-[normal] Huh? What? -I was asking about the President.
You really haven't been focusing lately! And normally I would be mad at you,
but since you made the basketball team, I'm super into you.
-Really? [chuckles] -Yeah!
Since the President's been staying at your house,
you have something different going on with you.
I don't know, just different energy.
Dude, you gotta drop it. Her ass is like the sun.
You can stare, but it'll only hurt you.
It's time to move on, bro.
What if I told you guys that it could happen?
That I have a way, but it's just very evil.
Well, short of the government brainwashing her into liking you,
I don't see how it's possible.
True Dat.
But, man, if it did happen,
you'd be the coolest kid that ever went to this school.
Yeah. And I'd finally find love.
Okay, class. Today we have a guest speaker from the Scared Straight Program.
He was recently released from prison on a Presidential Pardon.
That's when the President says, "That was naughty, but you can be free!"
-Fuck yeah! America! -That's right!
Today's prisoner was actually the cellmate of Uncle Ahmed,
who's our very own Rumi's uncle.
He initiated Uncle Ahmed into his very first prison gang
and trained him in the art of prison defense.
Class, go ahead and give it up for Spider!
-[applause] -Hey, good morning, everybody.
Uh, I joined Scared Straight to tell you kids what not to do
so you don't end up like me.
But the truth is prison is great!
-Prison's great? -Yeah, that's right. It's nice.
You get to focus, you can read books.
Do you know how hard it is to read a book if you're not in prison?
So you're saying my Uncle Ahmed is having a good time there?
Yeah! He likes it more than anyone!
Your uncle is thriving. He just finished reading Harry Potter.
[laughing] He's such a Hufflepuff.
Wow, it sounds like he loves it.
And maybe I could get my love too.
Thanks, Geo.
You served your country well, Spider.
[sighing] Okay.
[doorbell rings]
Hey! Um, I'm sorry.
I got you this jewelry I thought you might like.
I also got you this horse who can get you into any Ivy League school.
-Say hi, Daniel. -[Daniel snorts]
-I don't want a horse. -He's from the President.
Ugh, can you stop calling yourself that?
Can we just talk? I told my mom about us.
Too little, too late, Mona. I think we should break up.
I'm sorry, but I'm moving on.
I want to find someone who knows who they are.
I know your family pretends like you're different people when you go outside,
but I think you just don't know your inside self.
-Come on, Daniel. Let's go to Harvard. -[Daniel whinnies]
[mandolin playing]
Mmm-mm-mm. Thank you for this chicken, Mr. President.
It is perfectly fried.
We have much to learn from the people of Kentucky.
We have KFC every time we are making a big decision in the White House.
-Take notes, Mona. -Don't mind if I take a biscuit too.
We never order.
It is so nice to eat somebody else's cooking for once…
without debt. [chuckles] Whoa!
Say, Rumi, why aren't you eating?
I'm just thinking.
Come on, man. Not even some coleslaw?
Eat coleslaw for the President!
It's all right, Hussein. Rumi's been thinking.
Before I head back to DC, just wanna get your verdict on our little click-click.
Yeah. We did this Scared Straight thing today where we meet a prisoner,
and I met this one guy who told me that prison's not so bad.
That's right. Prison is actually a nice place.
Yeah. I mean, I heard Uncle Ahmed's reading the Harry Potter books in there.
I mean, he couldn't even read English when he left.
Very good system. My brother is fixed.
So I was thinking, since he loves reading Harry Potter so much,
-I want… -Yes? Go on.
…Uncle Ahmed to see the Harry Potter movies
in theaters! Free my Uncle Ahmed!
Well, well, well then. Let's free Uncle Ahmed. [clicking sound]
[doorbell ringing]
-[groaning] -Ahmed! My brother!
[breathes heavily] USA is the best!
Marco Polo.
[in Arabic] God is great!
[in English] Marco Polo.
I'll see you soon, kid.
Rumi!
-[helicopters whirring] -[magical music playing]
[wind whistling]
You just became top cousin!
[in Arabic] God has willed it!
Alhamdulilah. [in English] Tough love, it works.
Rumi, I will love you now unconditionally.
Until you are not the top cousin. Then I hate you.
Those sound like conditions. I'm… I'm gonna go to bed.
[sighs, screams]
[screaming] What the fuck! Where am I?
You! You monster!
-[yelling gibberish] -Hey! Hey! Calm down!
Look, I'll explain everything, little buddy.
You know the movie Spy Kids starring Antonio Banderas?
-Yeah? -It's a real government program.
Everyone on this plane is one of them.
See, my daddy invented Spy Kid. Singular.
It was our best family idea since Daddy's daddy invented Israel.
But in Daddy's version, there's only one Spy Kid: me.
I went undercover at Suez Canal in 1956
and helped shut down the Hungarian revolution.
Later, I killed Elvis.
But it was too much for one kid.
I knew when I became president, I would fix my daddy's mistakes
and create Spy Kids. Plural. With an "S" or a "Z."
It's my legacy, Rumi, and you're the key.
Me? Why me?
Remember when you first reached out to me? Afraid of what you'd downloaded.
I took a closer look. And your peer-to-peer activity
was a perfect match for America's most wanted man.
Peer-to-peer? What is that?
You know all that illegal downloading of music you did?
All your little Napster'ing?
The way that works is peers from all over the world share your little parts
of little files, to finish the little downloads.
All your music and all your porn,
all that stuff led us to the one person on Earth
with the same exact download history as you: Osama bin Laden.
I don't believe you. I just want to go home.
I don't want to be a Spy Kid!
When I tested you, you did everything right.
You chose freeing your uncle.
You're a Spy Kid, and now you're going to Afghanistan.
Your peer-to-peer instincts will lead us right to your peer, bin Laden.
You know him because you are him.
No! I am not Osama bin Laden!
-Find him, Rumi. -Wait! I'm going alone?
Oh, no, no, no. You have a very special partner: Antonio Banderas.
Hello, Rumi. I am Antonio Banderas.
Wow! Just like Spy Kids!
When you reach 3,000 feet, you pull the parachute!
Wait! Where am I going?
Kabul, my friend!
Wait! Wait! Wait! [screaming]
[distorted] ♪ Hello, hello, neighbors ♪
♪ You're afraid of us near you ♪
♪ But the only blood we want ♪
♪ Is to bleed red, white and blue ♪
♪ I know you think we're scary ♪
♪ But I swear to you we're fun ♪
♪ We will prove to you our love ♪
♪ We will be number one ♪
[vocalizing]