[theme music playing]
So, Sara, you've got a yellow card.
Joe, you've got a yellow card. Rob, yellow card.
Joe, yellow card. Bob, yellow card.
-It's our first red card… -[Lou, Harriet] Oh, no!
Oh, that's… Oh, my God.
It's me. Damn it. Son of a gun.
-[Judi] That's gotta be Richard. -He's looking at me.
Let's take a look.
[Lou] They didn't say, "Look each other in the eye."
Did they say "Look each other in the eye?"
Yeah. [gasps, laughs] Fuck you, Joe Lycett.
[contestants laugh]
Oh, Sara. I'm so sorry, but…
-Oh, no. -[contestants] Oh!
[Daisy] Oh, no!
It's been the best hour of my life. [chuckles]
-[all laugh] -I've never laughed so much. [chuckles]
Also, it's just not fair. He fell over again.
And also, I knew it was about to happen, Jimmy.
-Yeah. I'm sorry. -And it was almost,
that's why I enjoyed it so much.
Sara, I'm sorry to say you now have to come with me.
-Come on. -I love you so much.
I can't wait to watch you all on TV.
I did one of those… [groans, clicks tongue]
[straining] "God, so sorry."
[groans] "You're out."
-Come on. -See you later, funny boy.
Good… Good luck. All right? Thank you.
-You can laugh in here. It's much better. -I know, I can smile and laugh.
Aren't they lovely people? That's right. Now it's over.
-I would have gone as well. -It's okay.
What's funnier than literally falling over?
I'll tell you what is also good, Jimmy,
-is when someone does this. -[thuds]
-[Jimmy laughs] That is good. -That's my favourite one.
Laughing is a bodily function that apparently bursts out of me.
It's just like a sneeze.
Like… [exclaims]
It's there. [sighs]
[Jimmy] The head-to-head was a bloodbath.
Red card for Sara. Yellow cards for Rob and Joe Lycett.
And I guess we'll never know what Lycett did in the toilet.
Maybe that's for the best.
All right, let's restart.
[off-key trumpet playing]
[flaps lips]
-I made Sara laugh. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I'm really sad about that.
She's the only person I like
-out of everyone here. -Yeah, no. That's fair.
[beeping]
How've I got my shoes on the sofa?
I usually watch people on TV do shit like this and I'll be cussing.
-[Rob] Yeah. -What's happened to me?
Yeah. [stammers] You can take them off.
-You're not… You know. -[Judi] No.
My ancestors would be turning in their grave.
Are they… Are they dead?
Obviously.
My nan's dead.
-Ages ago, that was. -[breathing heavily]
Winifred, RIP.
-Winifred? -[Rob] Yeah, yeah.
She, um, slipped down the stairs.
-[breathing deeply] -[Rob] Off her face, she was.
-What a way to go. -Drunk?
And drugs.
-[Judi] Granny? -Yeah.
-What drugs? -Just, uh, paracetamol.
And a litre of gin. Before you know it,
she's arse backwards, bottom of the stairs.
So, it wasn't really the slip.
-It wasn't really-- -No. Grandad pushed her.
[Sara chuckling] Rob Beckett.
[laughing]
She landed in the Stannah stairlift.
It brought her back up, but he chucked her down again.
-[winces] -[Rob] Yeah. Shame.
You okay?
-What's happening with you? -[straining] Just… a cough.
She used to tell me all these little, um, sayings.
My nan used to say to me, "Never let another man wipe your arse."
And I've stuck by that.
[laughing]
I'm going.
-[Judi] Where you going? -[Richard] For a ride.
Oh. The hamstrings are too tight.
Did you go to drama school?
-What? -Did you go to drama school?
That is so kind of you to pretend that that's even a possibility.
-Did you go to drama school? -Nah.
-Did you? -[clears throat]
Has anyone here been to drama school?
You don't hear that on planes very often, do you?
-What? -"Has anyone here been to drama school?
We're losing cabin pressure."
-[Jimmy laughs] -That's so funny.
What's she got, like, a jar of innards?
Are you hungry?
-What you got? -It's my placenta.
What does it taste like?
-Beef. -Beef?
No… [stammers] …I don't think I want to eat your placenta.
Did you refrigerate it on the way here,
or has it just been in the back seat of a cab?
It's been in the car, and it's been hot.
[Jimmy] Do you put… It's a bit like ketchup debate.
Do you put placenta in the fridge or do you keep it out?
[Roisin, Sara chuckle]
-Good protein. -Good for the brain.
How do you log that on MyFitnessPal?
I just put it under, um, yoghurt.
[Rob] Yeah.
Um, who do you want to see next?
-We'll get someone to play their joker. -Um…
Joe Wilkinson.
-From his brain, it could be anything. -Agreed.
Do you think we'll all stay in touch after this?
-No. Wouldn't have thought so. -[phone ringing]
Mmm.
I'm going to answer this 'cause I want to see.
Hello?
Hi, could you ask Joe Wilkinson to play his joker, please?
Um… Joe Wilkinson?
All right. Love you, bye.
Um, could you…
Jimmy says he wants you to do the joker now.
Harriet, you look so sad.
-Have a rice cake. -No. No. No.
No, no.
-No. -That one hit.
The last one hit.
[alarm ringing]
Ooh. Not in that dress, princess.
[chuckling]
-Oh, hello again. -Hello.
-This is gonna be hard. -Mmm.
I was nearly laughing just at the sight of Joe,
and then I got very fearful, knowing that he was gonna speak.
You may… noticed that, um,
I'm standing in front of a large RNLI printout.
Um…
This was printed for me by the production team.
I didn't have to pay for it.
[chuckles]
Um…
So, thank you, um, everyone involved.
And the reason, um, I thought it was important was, um,
the RNLI are celebrating 200 years of being in service.
I just thought a small interlude… a small briefing…
uh, about the RNLI and all the good work they do
and have done for the last 200 years.
Because this is meant to be an opportunity to make you laugh, but…
there has to be some light and shade.
[Sara chuckles, mutters]
[Roisin laughing] There has to be some light and shade.
-[Wilkinson] Uh, so-- -Go on, Joe.
-I'd rather you didn't make any noise. -[Richard] Sorry. Okay.
Would you like the sound of the sea?
Yes, please, Bob.
-[Bob, Rob imitating waves] -Thank you, that's…
-Thank you. -[exhales heavily]
-Ayoade's in trouble. -Ayoade is really flailing.
Son of a gun.
The Royal National Lifeboat Institution, or the RNLI,
is a charity that provides a 24/7 lifeboat search and rescue service
around the coasts of the United Kingdom and the Republic of Ireland.
[judges, Sara laughing]
[snickers]
[laughing]
[snickers]
Sorry, guys.
[contestants applauding]
[laughing] Oh, Joe.
[electronic percussion playing]
[Judi] Oh, who laughed?
[humming]
Why am I slaving away trying to write jokes
when Joe Wilkinson can literally read a bland speech about the RNLI?
It's not fair.
You bastard.
-You guys. You guys. -You're a piece of shit.
You bastard.
-That was painfully hard. -You are a piece of shit.
[Bob] Yeah.
-[Rob] Yeah. -[Bob] Yeah.
-He never comes in happy, does he? -[Rob] No.
I'll never quite get over Jimmy's walk. When he's not on telly, he's a lumberer.
He's quite… kinda like that.
His posture's awful.
-That was lovely. -[Wilkinson] Well, thank you.
[Jimmy] A fitting tribute to those brave men.
Yeah. And women.
-[Richard] And women. -Okay.
We've got another card.
Let's have a look.
…he RNLI is a charity
that provides a 24-7 lifeboat search and rescue service
around the coasts…
[contestants chuckle]
…of the United Kingdom and the Republic of Ireland.
[contestants applauding, laughing]
-[Rob] Oh, Joe. -Something about the print--
-[Lou gasping] -[Judi] No!
Joe, I'm so sorry.
Gotta say, you were absolutely magnificent.
-Thank you. -That was magnificent.
What was the spaff in your face?
That's trade secrets.
Okay.
Joe, well done. You're coming with me.
-Come on. -[contestants] Aw.
I thought there was a good chance I'd be out, 'cause I laugh a lot.
It's a bit like suppressing a fart.
After a while it just becomes, like, bad for your internal organs.
Come on, you. Doors.
-It was good, though. Wasn't it? -Yeah.
No, get back…
[laughs]
So good.
I actually got a stitch during that round.
-Walked through the door? -Yeah.
[cheering]
-[Lycett] Roisin's here. -I'm here.
-[Lycett] Hello. -Hello, darling.
-[Lycett] How are you? -Well done. You were very funny.
-Fucking hell, it was so hard. -Really funny.
[Jimmy] So Joe Lycett is sunk, and even the RNLI can't help him now.
He's out of the game.
-Well, let's restart the game. -[Lycett] Mmm.
-It's funny watching it in here now. -Oh, it's so much nicer in here.
You get to watch everyone's conversations at the same time.
We're on the telly.
-[off-key trumpet playing] -[Richard] I can't stop eating.
I do need to go to toilet, and that is not gameplay. That is--
[stammers] It is gameplay, you'd do it in the middle of the room, wouldn't you?
[laughing]
Yeah, I love crab.
Dark meat as well.
Mmm.
Some oysters. Oh.
-You'll do an oyster, Judi? -Yeah.
Have you ever been sick on one?
-No, I've not. -[Bob stammers]
-Is it really bad? -It's terrifying, yeah.
I don't know that it's worth it, Judi. I know they are delicious.
-[Judi] But it's not-- -I don't know whether it's worth it.
[stammers] Are oysters bad for you?
-Well-- -If you get a bad one, man.
-If you get a bad one, you are… -You're fucked.
I got one once, then got eczema.
[Bob stammers] From an oyster?
[Rob] Yeah. I don't know if it was a coincidence or not.
Norovirus.
Have you ever had norovirus?
Yeah.
That is lively. It was so bad. I was upstairs, and it was…
The smell was so bad Lou had to open the windows downstairs.
[Bob] From your arse?
[Rob sucks teeth] Yeah.
And mouth?
-Difficult. -You are your worst enemy.
-[Rob] Yeah. -Do you know that?
Yeah. [sighs]
It's been said.
I mean, if I'm honest, Rob… [stammers] Just to look at Rob makes me laugh.
He's just that guy.
You and Rob… Your, um… your panic default…
-We do the same facial expression. -Yeah.
-And it's-it's difficult-- -It's also my model pose.
I learnt that on the modelling scene, yeah.
Do you mind me sort of… talking about the modelling scene?
No.
What I really like about this is Lou's gone full on the attack.
Tell me about the modelling scene.
[flaps lips, sighs] Where do I start?
[Wilkinson] What… um.
[smacks lips] So, um…
I was modelling full everything. Full, uh, face and bod.
[inhales sharply]
-But it was… for the before pictures. -Okay, actually, no.
-Um… -Hmm?
Should we talk about death?
Lou's a tricky customer. [sighs]
She's got a lot of arrows in her quiver.
-[clicks tongue] Oh. -Wonderful.
What's that? Hurt yourself?
What the hell?
Oh, it's one of those electric ones.
The electric pens. Joe got annoyed with me because I left one by him. [chuckles]
-Some-- -[exclaims]
[Rob] Is that yours?
[Wilkinson] Oh, my God.
Is it yours?
You monster.
Bugger, what are you doing to me?
[exhales heavily]
-I nearly got myself out with that. -Lou, what is this, please?
It's like a light-hearted prank.
What will happen with it?
Well, just give it a try. I'm so--
[Wilkinson] I'm deleting you from my phone.
-Is it anything weird? -Huh?
[Wilkinson] I'm deleting you from my phone.
Well, I didn't mean for you to pick it up.
I just… was just planting one…
-I planted one over there. -But I always click them.
I thought I was having a problem with my thumb.
Lou! Has this got an electric…
…Mexico, and sort of really, like, a little Pomeranian…
-I'm just going toilet. -…dog.
And thought it was a dog. Took it to the vets.
-Just going toilet. -They shave it and say…
-With the pen? -…"That's not a dog. That's a rat."
You're taking the pen to the toilet?
[Roisin] I would predict Judi will do an own goal.
-It does feel like we are pundits in here. -Yeah.
This is my kind of sport, Jimmy.
-Try this one. -Oh, no. I'm not doing that.
-Ooh. Try this one. -No.
-You felt it in your vagina? -No, thank you.
-I-I can't have you say… -[Harriet] Put it up there?
…"Try this one", and hold your vagina at the same time.
You went, "Try this one. Ooh."
Now, that's not okay. Not at work. Did you do that course?
I've got to say, I'm enjoying this escalating.
I think it was, like, the shock. Try this.
They might do that on the Loose Women set, but not here.
Rob, what did you do at Canterbury?
Tourism management.
[yelps]
That's what my mum said when she found out.
[laughing]
[beeping]
Did you ever go Toby? The Toby.
-Toby Carvery? -Yeah.
[Rob] Do you go big plate, little plate?
I go big plate.
This is genuinely what comics talk about.
[Sara, Roisin] Yeah.
I had a Toby gold card.
Unlimited Tobes?
Yeah. Can you imagine?
-You had a gold card at Toby Carvery? -[Bob] Yeah.
-Unlimited Tobys. -Wow.
Wow, Bob's just plopped his dick on the table, hasn't he?
He's covered in gravy.
[laughing]
[Jimmy] Okay. It's time for a joker.
Roisin, who do you want to see?
What about Bobby Mortimer?
Okay.
-[phone ringing] -[Lou] Oh, no.
-[Wilkinson] I'll get it. -[Richard] Cheers, Joe.
I'm not here.
[Wilkinson] Okay.
And I mean that on all levels.
Yello.
Uh, could I speak to, uh, Bob Mortimer please?
Ben Wartimer?
-[Lycett laughing] -Bob Mortimer.
Bob Mortimer. Bob Mortimer. Okay, I'll just get him for you.
-Uh, Bob… -[static on phone]
It's nice using an old-fashioned phone.
-Hello? -Oh, hi, Bob.
Maybe play your joker now.
Uh, will do that, Jimmy. Thank you.
Bob Mortimer has got very soulful eyes,
and I just thought, "Oh, my God, you're gonna be this deadly assassin,
'cause you're so sweet.
And then absolutely, completely annihilate me."
[alarm ringing]
So I'm gonna sit somewhere else.
It's not Bob, is it?
[Harriet] This is gonna be hell.
-Oh, for f… -Disaster.
Exactly.
That's why I'm on the edge, so I can move.
Okay.
Bob Mortimer to perform. Eight comics left in the game.
[claps]
And key thing, the only person I've ever seen make Richard laugh is Bob Mortimer.
I think this is going to be tricky for people.
["A Kind of Magic" playing]
Oh, yeah.
[shushes]
Oh. Oh, Lord.
[shushes]
[Jimmy] Oh, Joe.
[laughs] Look at Joe.
[shushes]
[whispering] It's just magic.
[laughing]
[whispering] It's magic.
[exhales heavily]
That's good.
[shushes]
-I've gone. I've fully gone. -[Roisin] It's the shush. It's the shush.
[Wilkinson chuckling] Oh, fuck.
[shushes]
[Richard] Bloody hell.
[whispering] It's just magic.
[chuckles]
-[Sara] Well done, Bob. Well done. -[Jimmy] Wow.
-Wow. -[Judi] Oh, my God.
-I need that lifeboat. -Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
[sighs]
It's a sort of unfathomable brilliance, Bob's.
It's beyond analysis.
There's kind of Bob, and then there's everyone else, in a way.
And not just in here. I just mean wherever you are.
Even if you are in Tesco's, it's… the same applies.
-Ah, well done, Bob Mortimer. -[Lycett] Wow.
-I mean… -Wow.
-[applauding] -In with the gods, sir.
-[shushes] -That was great.
Bob, that was brutal.
That was absolutely brutal.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
I thought that it was going to make me laugh, it's so ridiculous.
So I had a very, like, gladiator face on.
And I thought…
Just for a moment, I thought I saw Richard maybe going to laugh, but…
Okay, but Joe there, he covered his face to stifle a laugh.
-[Roisin] Yeah. -That's not allowed.
-I'm going to put him on the naughty step. -'Kay.
[intercom chimes]
Uh, Joe.
You covered your face during Bob's joker, which is against the rules.
Your punishment is to sit on the naughty step.
[gasps]
[Jimmy] Now, I'm sure you know how a naughty step works.
-[Wilkinson] Oh. -You sit on the step
and everyone else will line up and whisper something naughty in your ear.
-Oh, hell no. -[Jimmy] Please take your punishment.
Assume the position on the naughty step.
When I got sent to the naughty step,
my immediate thought is, "Jimmy's an absolute piece of shit."
Do I sit on the top bit or the lower bit, Jimmy?
Uh, the top bit, you fucking idiot.
Thank you.
Oh, that is better.
[laughing]
Oh, I'm gonna whisper something.
[Richard] Okay.
Do you know where those electric pens are?
'Cause I really want to use it in the toilet.
[stammers] I could do with two of those, to be honest with you.
I'm a big… Are you holding your nose? Does my breath smell?
-You have lovely breath. -Thank you.
I'd have a lovelier time with my breath and the electric pen.
Mm-hmm.
-Thank you, Judi. -Thank you.
-[Roisin] "Thank you". [laughs] -[Jimmy, Lycett, Sara laughing]
Judi's tactic, I believe, on the naughty step,
was to insinuate that she wanted to take something that was, uh, vibrating
and pop it in her drawers.
Is that okay?
You're queuing up? Bloody hell.
Just… I've got to get in there.
You won't be able to hear otherwise.
[whispering] You're doing a really, really good job at showing off.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
[whispering] Loads of good bits.
Mmm.
Joe Wilkinson, I've been watching you.
You have the face of a cobbler's thumb.
You have the face of an abandoned pug.
[laughing]
But your humility and grace does shine through, so stick it out. Yeah?
[inhales deeply]
-I… Shall I do mine? -[Richard] Yeah, go.
[whispering] I have this thing where sometimes when I blow my nose,
something comes out of my eyes, and I think that it's snot,
but I don't know if it's not.
Then I asked the doctor and he said it's normal, but is it normal?
No.
Oh, here we go. Lou's gonna laugh at her own line.
Naughty torty.
[snickers]
[laughing]
-Yes, he's gone. He's gone. -He's gone. He's gone.
-[laughing] -[electronic percussion playing]
[Judi gasps] Oh, thank God.
-So we can laugh now? We can relax now? -[chuckling]
What did you do?
She basically blew in my ear and said, "Naughty torty."
-[contestants laughing] -Brilliant.
-[Harriet laughing] Naughty torty. -[laughing]
I am so sorry.
Well, to be fair, it was the speed you came at me which was…
You know it is a game,
and he did laugh at "naughty torty", and that's on him, really.
Here he comes.
-Oh, shit. -[Bob] Oh, oh.
-[Daisy gasps] -[Rob] Straight out.
[Daisy] Oh.
Do you want to have a look? Let's have a look at it.
Naughty torty.
[snickers]
[Judi] Naughty torty?
-Naughty torty. That's what did it? -She…
Yeah, she came at me at speed though.
It's good stuff, Jimmy.
We were so expecting utter filth from you.
-Toning it down. -Naughty torty?
Yeah… [laughs]
Okay, come with me.
[laughs] See you, Joe. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
-So sorry. -He's out. Come on.
-[Lou] Um. -End of the road for Wilkinson. Doors.
And then there were seven.
It's nicer in here.
-I bet it… Is it? -Oh. Course it is.
-Everyone move up. -[Sara] You did so great.
-Naughty torty. Naughty torty. -So well done, Naughty torty.
I love Joe Wilkinson, but you still have to play the game,
so that was very conflicting. [chuckles]
Lou, she is evil, because she tells you she's a safe space
and she's not a safe space.
She's appalling.
[Jimmy] So Joe Wilkinson is out.
Night night, my sweet prince.
Hopefully we'll meet again one day…
Or hang on, you're here. You're right next to me on the sofa.
We're gonna restart the game.
[off-key trumpet playing]
I've put my parents in… in an annex.
How's that working?
My mum's a hoarder.
What does she hoard?
Weirdly, children's toys and board games.
Are they child-catchers?
No, but do you know what's the most interesting thing about hoarders is?
-No. -[Daisy] If you clean out their place,
if you gut it, they will die.
-Has that happened? -[Daisy] Yeah.
-What, they just… -Just give up.
Stacey Solomon must be killing them all over the place.
Yeah. She's got blood on her hands, Solomon.
[Daisy] You can tell when they started,
'cause it always starts with newspapers on the bottom,
and it will have the date and the--
So they hoard the newspapers. This is interesting.
-Then it just stacks. -I used to keep a scrapbook
of, um, businessmen.
[Wilkinson, Roisin chuckling]
And I would cut them out from the business section of the news--
Of businessmen?
Yeah, I just liked pictures of businessmen.
When did you realise you was quite unique?
I don't know. I still regret throwing those files away.
[Richard sighs]
I'm a qualified social worker, and I'm a mum.
And my heritage is Jamaican,
so we've got a kind of look that we give our children.
So I was just trying to, you know, sit in that place.
What I like is that you at the moment both look like you're on security.
-[clicks tongue] Yeah. -Thank you.
I'll… I'll fucking nut you.
[laughing]
That's what security is like, isn't it?
-Not in Primark. -Right. Yeah.
Yeah.
I've got to say, I don't straightforwardly want to commission this cop show.
-Wow. Wow. -Wow.
-Yeah, wow. -'Cause it's got two women in it?
-Yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. -That's right. That's right.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
From the person who's been labouring to reboot Cagney and Lacy, night and day,
-for the last two years. -[Lou] That is nice, actually.
[chuckles]
[beeping]
Have I got a really redshot… bloodshot eye?
A little bit, yeah. I think stop touching it now.
Do you know… Do you mind… I've just got to use a cotton bud in my eye.
Yeah.
[contestants chatting]
I got quite an itchy eye. Got an itchy eye.
Fair enough.
Hang on. I got a little treat for you.
I think this might be very good.
I'm scared for her.
[gasps] Oh, God.
He's got, like, clown shoes on.
-I'm right here. -What do you reckon?
Oh, no, don't do that.
-[Lou] I love to see you laugh. -[giggles]
-Rob, do you want to see my party trick? -No.
Well, if you're gonna be like that, I won't sing it with passion.
[laughing]
-That's torture. -Oh.
I went to the eye hospital.
And what did they say?
They said, "Your eyes are just big." won't sing it with passion.