[theme music playing]
I got quite an itchy eye. Got an itchy eye.
Hang on, hang on. I got a little treat for you.
Fair enough.
[gasps] Oh, God.
That's horrible.
[Lou] I looked in that mirror, and it was mad.
How'd they get a T-shirt? Like the same T-shirt.
How are they doing that?
-[Wilkinson, Lycett chuckling] -That's so horrible.
Wow, she's doing well there, isn't she?
What I will say is I look lovely with blue eyes.
It's actually quite horrifying and quite…
Thank you for that experience. Thank you.
-Wow. -[Sara] Whoo!
-Lou Sanders. -Well done.
Wowsers.
Somehow it didn't catch me out, but then, um, it did freak me out a bit.
Wow [sighs]
[beeping]
Do you know I was cast in the original Game of Thrones prequel?
What happened?
I was, like, an 11-foot troll.
[Judi] What the hell?
-It was written by Jonathan Ross's wife. -I just saw half your fanny flap.
[Roisin] Ooh, Daisy's in trouble. What's she doing with her face?
She's flashing. I think she was flashing at Judi.
-[Roisin gasps] -[Sara] She opened her dress a bit at her.
Daisy. I saw things that I didn't think I would see.
I was really struggling through that one.
Breathe.
You all right, Daisy?
[Daisy] No, I'm fine.
Do you think everyone would benefit from acting training?
[stammers] I… To… Honestly, I think you can either do it or your can't.
I don't think there's any sort of…
-[Richard] Right. -…training that makes you any good.
That's not great news for RADA.
[spectators laughing]
-I watched a thing the other day… -Mm-hmm.
…that said that the way the Sphinx is eroding…
Yes.
…means that it's far earlier than the… than the Egyp…
The Egyptians aren't the people that made…
Yes.
Would you agree with that?
On that evidence, without a doubt.
[spectators laughing]
Daisy.
[Lycett] She's bitten off more than she can chew here.
I was on a plane to Greece the other day.
And there was a fly trapped in the cabin.
And I thought, this fly, when we get out,
isn't even going to appreciate the trip.
It'll fly out…
Could be anywhere.
I thought, "What a waste." And I was flooded with melancholy.
-She's got good control of her mouth. -Right. Incredible, good control.
He's an assassin.
Do you like to go on holiday?
[sighs] Yes.
[Richard] Okay.
That's all I wanted to know.
Okay, it's time for a joker.
Um, Roisin, who do you want to see?
Harriet Kemsley.
[Jimmy] Okay.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Hi. Um, Bob, could Harriet go to the locker room and play her joker?
-Would that be okay? -Yes, of course. Thank you, Jimmy.
Harriet, could you go to your locker and do your joker?
[panting]
-[alarm rings] -[Judi] Oh, God.
Oh, where's apple? I need to cut an apple.
[intercom chimes]
Judi, when the bell rings, it doesn't mean go to fridge and get an apple.
It means go and sit down.
I'm worried about what Harriet's going to do.
And you think apple might help?
It does when it's in my mouth.
-When you were on, she put two massive… -Yeah. Sweets.
She looked like Marlon Brando in, uh, Godfather.
-Okay. It's the apple technique. -Yeah. That should be outlawed.
[sultry music playing]
Trick to the trade.
That's a lot of laughs on that plate.
I'm hoping.
Sometime it's the silly things that can get you.
[cabaret music playing]
-[Jimmy] Oh, my God. -[Sara] She's stripping.
-She's stripping. -[chuckles]
Uh-oh, there's a fire in my pants.
And for once, it's not the clap.
[spectators laughing]
This is Lou's humour through and through as well.
Lou's in trouble.
You're under arrest
for being too sexy.
[laughing]
What if there's children watching? This is so erotic.
[breathing heavily]
[spectators laughing]
[blows]
Uh-oh.
Girl, how much chonch have you get that you've got so many pair of knickers on?
[sad harmonica music playing]
Not the shin.
This music is very… I go to strip clubs a lot, and you never hear this.
[Roisin] No, it's a shame.
Oof. [panting]
[grunts]
Harriet came very close to me.
And closeness is one of those things that does tend to make you want to laugh.
Nice and clean.
No wound.
[cabaret music resumes]
-Oh, no. -What's she doing? Oh, God, I'm worried.
I think I might know what's happening.
[laughing]
-[Jimmy] She's reloading her, um… -[Lycett laughing]
Should we call it her lady cave? I don't know what to call it.
[Sara] Oh, that's good.
Oh, that's really good.
[Rob] Go on, Bob. Get up her alley.
Try and get it back in.
[spectators laughing]
Try and get it back in.
I mean your pussy ball just hit me on my shoulder.
[Rob] When the ping-pong balls start coming out, that was tough.
Judi Love said, "Ping-pong pussy shoulder ball."
I mean, it doesn't help.
How did this show get to this stage?
You want a go?
I'm gonna go… I'm gonna go short.
It's a tight squeeze.
If that hits him in the head, I'm gone.
[blows raspberry]
[groans] I've done my shoulder.
-[Sara] She did so well. -Great stuff.
Is that the first time you've seen Harriet do that act, guys?
Uh, second for me.
-[Rob] Is it? -Yeah.
First time I've seen her do it dressed.
-Yeah, same. -Yeah.
[laughing]
Bob, do you ping-pong?
-Not anymore. -No. Why? What happened?
It upsets the heart.
-Oh. Yeah. -'Cause I'm furious when I'm doing it.
-[speaks indistinctly] -[imitates impacts]
[beeping]
-[sighs] -I can do this.
[clicking fingers]
You like that?
It's an usual thing.
Why is that funny? But it is. It's so stupid.
Ow.
Ah.
Rob, do you want to see my party trick?
-No. -Okay.
I respect that.
Half of them don't even have a yellow card yet,
-so I'm gonna… I'll mix it up. -Okay.
I'll give them a task. Okay.
[intercom chimes]
[Jimmy] Hello, everyone.
The fruit machine is now available for inspiration.
Can one of you pull the lever and everyone have a go at what the machine prompts?
[electronic fanfare]
"Impersonate a player".
-[Jimmy] Oh, very good. -Ah, very good.
-Lovely, lovely. -Ooh.
Okay, I'll impersonate Richard.
-I'm easy. -Yeah, somebody do him.
-[Lou] I'll do… I'll impersonate Richard. -I'm easy to--
[imitating Richard] Don't touch me. Don't touch me.
-That's really good. -Too much emotion.
-The backwards walking is good. -[Lou] That's true.
The… He…
Yeah, I've got no more than that, really.
I couldn't do the impressions, 'cause my face would relax,
and then I'll be out.
-You gonna do an impression of me? -Yeah.
-Can I have your glasses? -Want my glasses?
How does Rob do it? [imitating Rob] Now I can do it. Rob goes a bit quick.
-He goes quick. -[Rob] Yeah.
-[Judi] You doing… Oh, he's done you. -He punches in and jabs in.
[imitating Rob] Yeah, I ain't done a fucking arena.
Just done podcasts and stuff, but, uh…
[imitating Rob] That's right. Keeping it real.
I ain't done an arena.
[spectators laughing]
She's bloody nailed it.
-Nah. -Anyone up for a chat?
-[Daisy] That's very good. -It's good.
[Richard] That's very nice.
I'm not blind.
What have you got the glasses then for, mate?
[laughing]
Can I do a song for you, Daisy?
It's me own music.
-[spectators] Yes. -Yes. Yes, we want a song.
[Bob] I'd brought along my song to sing.
For some reason, I'd… By that time, I'd focused in on Daisy.
[sighs] I don't really want a song.
I-I grew up watching Shooting Star.
That was, like, my favourite TV show as a kid.
His humour is guaranteed to make me laugh, and I don't stand a fucking chance.
I… Yeah. Oh, don't… I… [stammers] Not at me.
-Would you like a song? -Oh, she'd love a song.
-I think you'd like the song, Daisy. -You are a handsome man.
Why do I have to have the song? Of all the people.
-Daisy, please. He's going to perform. -[Bob] Are you leaving?
-Bob Mortimer's gonna give you a private… -No, I'm not. I'm just standing…
[stammers] I'm more comfortable stood up listening to it.
Well, I'll sit opposite you over there, if you want.
Can you… Can everyone… Can everyone listen to the song?
No, it's for you, Daisy.
Oh, this isn't fair.
Do you know what? Fuck it. Do it. Go on.
Do your worst.
Will you listen to it?
-Or will you just fuck it off. -I… Well, I just don't want to.
I don't want to.
-Well, now you're going. -I know.
She's stalling for time.
Uh, Daisy, have you never received a song before?
It's easy. You just listen.
[intercom chimes]
Uh, Daisy. If you could go and sit opposite Bob and receive your song now.
Well, if you're gonna be like that, I won't sing it with passion.
[chuckles]
[spectators laughing]
Do you want it with coffee or without coffee, Daisy?
I don't know.
This is with coffee, right?
What do you reckon?
You're not answering me.
-I'll take that as a without coffee. -Without coffee please.
She took it without coffee, I think, and I was grateful
'cause I didn't know the lyrics.
Why won't you look at me?
I'll do two songs if you're not careful. I… Honestly, I will.
I cannot wait for this song.
[upbeat music playing]
♪ Slender people fit through gaps ♪
♪ And slender men Look sweet in fucking slacks ♪
♪ Slender ladies Can kick you in the head ♪
♪ And slender people Take up less room in bed ♪
♪ Raspberry jam is nice But it's full of bloody pips ♪
♪ Lemon curd is tasty But puts inches on your hips ♪
♪ Pâté spreads quite easily But it tastes of cigarettes ♪
♪ Tomorrow I shall kill again This time in Dungeness ♪
Yes. Not bothered?
[laughing]
[Lycett] Wow.
I mean, that's torture. That's like being tortured.
All right, Daisy, you've asked for it.
-[upbeat music playing] -[Judi] Again?
♪ Lanky bastards Are not bothered by offence ♪
♪ And lanky people Are great at self-defence ♪
♪ Lanky fellas can put doggy bags From a tree ♪
♪ And long-legged lasses Can adjust your aerial for free ♪
♪ Low fat yoghurt's healthy But it tastes of willow bark ♪
♪ Feta cheese is cube-able But no tastier than quark ♪
♪ Cottage cheese is flowable But then so is engine oil ♪
♪ Tomorrow I will kill again This time in Donegal ♪
-[applauding] -Bravo.
-How'd she survive that? -She did so well.
Right. Fuck you, Daisy.
You'll have another.
-[upbeat music playing] -[laughing]
-Oh, no. -♪ Traffic cops… ♪
♪ Eat burgers in their cars ♪
♪ And traffic coppers' trousers Get shiny on the arse ♪
♪ Traffic coppers Don't have to wear a hat ♪
♪ So tell me, Geoffrey Chaucer What do you think of that? ♪
♪ Pelicans are ponderous And often cheat at whist ♪
♪ Budgerigars are chirpy But so often they are pissed ♪
♪ And turkeys make a racket If you penetrate their pen ♪
♪ Tomorrow I shall kill again But I won't tell you where and when ♪
-Yes. -[music ends]
-Really good. Really good. -[Roisin] Oh, so good.
-Well done, Daisy. -You did it.
-Well done. -Well done, Daisy.
That's all it was, Daisy.
[Rob] Well done.
[Harriet] Really nice.
There was quite a bit of information in there, Daisy…
-[breathing heavily] -…but I don't think you took it in.
That nearly killed me.
[stammers] I had to think of some really dark stuff.
I had to think of my grandad's funeral to get through that.
[intercom chimes]
-[Jimmy] Bob, I really liked your song… -Hello.
…so I'm gonna reward you with the immunity hat.
Now?
The immunity hat will be in the hatch.
[gasps]
While you wear it you are allowed to laugh as much as you like.
-[gasps] That's a good twist. -Oh, that is.
That's a good twist.
Oh, my God.
-[Judi] Where's the hatch? -[Jimmy] Go to the hatch.
Find a hatch. Go to the hatch.
Hatch.
He has no idea what a hatch is.
-[Harriet] Wow, that's a lovely hat, Bob. -[Lou] That's nice. That's nice.
[Lou] Oh, Bob, I love to see you laugh as well.
-I love to see you laugh. -[giggles]
[Lou] I might stay away from you though, 'cause it is infectious.
-Aw. [chuckles] -[stammers] Strapping it up.
In case he falls over.
[Bob] I was so pleased when I got it. I was so chuffed.
It was very liberating, just for those first 15 seconds,
to be able to laugh.
I thought for a… I thought maybe I should just start laughing my head off.
See if it could become infectious.
Get rid of everyone.
My kids have written me some jokes. I don't know if anyone wants to hear 'em.
No.
[Rob] What does a cat have for breakfast?
Mice Krispies.
-I actually didn't like that. -[Rob] Didn't ya?
Your kids are shit at jokes.
They're not great.
What did one plate say to the other one?
-Hello? -Dinner's on me.
-I actually don't understand them. -No? Okay. All right then.
What did the elephant say to the zebra?
-Hello? -Fuck off, you stripy prick.
[laughing]
-Your kids wrote that, did they? -It was quite aggressive, wasn't it?
Knock, knock.
[sighs, strained] Yes, who's there? Go away.
-Doctor. -Who.
The one who says nan's dying.
[sighs] Not again.
[spectators chuckling]
Okay, I think it's time to throw in a surprise.
I've invited Mr Swallow to pay a visit.
Ah, Mr Swallow.
Oh, my God. Good luck.
Mr Swallow.
Oh, my God, absolutely burning in here, isn't it?
Christ alive. Hello.
Absolutely burning. No, it's really… Ooh, it's warm.
I can hear a bee.
Absolutely burning in here, isn't it?
Uh, come and gather round. Sit on here, please. Than you very much.
Oh, my God. Absolutely roasting.
-[chuckles] -Who's hot? Who's hot?
Who's hot? Who's hot? Who's hot? Who's hot?
[laughing]
This place looks like Oliver Bonas, doesn't it?
A bit like Oliver Bonas meets Toby Carvery.
Um, neither of whom I've met.
Um, so, look, I've been told, um, you know,
not to worry if it looks like nobody's laughing
and just to treat it like any other gig.
Um, so, look, I'm gonna be doing some psychic readings and so on on you all.
So I'm going to be calling you up over individually.
Can we get these open please? Thank you very much.
[Daisy] Mr Swallow, I don't know what he does with his face,
but he's able to contort his face to look like he's having sort of tantric sex.
Not a lot of people know this,
but I myself have been blessed with, um, uh, two boys and a girl.
Um, all of which we're having to homeschool
because they are, um…
Uh, not coeliac. What's the other one?
Um, psycho.
[chuckling]
[Mr Swallow] It's a lot. We're gonna start with you, Lou.
Do you want to pop up here, love?
-Um, and, um, uh, just take a seat here… -It's been nice playing with you, Lou.
…thank you very much.
Now, Lou,
um, I'm getting a very, very immediately strong sense
that you've recently been to Lush.
Is that right?
Okay.
And if I could ask you to open your eyes. [chuckling] Thank you very much.
There you go, Lou. Lovely hat.
So, look, I-I want you to concentrate.
I'm just picking up, I'm getting…
-Uh-- -Hang on. No, don't tell me.
Okay. Aries.
Aquarius.
Gemini.
Leo.
Pisces?
Scorpio.
Taurus? Virgo?
-I don't think there are any left. -Sagittarius.
-Sagittarius. Are you that? -Yes.
Right. I was doing it by process of elimination.
[chuckling]
Daisy, could I ask that you pop up as well?
Thank you so much, Daisy. Here you come, love.
-[Lycett] I think Daisy's losing stamina. -Yeah.
-[Sara] Mmm. -She was favourite, I think.
[Mr Swallow] Now, look, I don't know if you're familiar with a Ouija at all
and whether you've ever done one of these.
But I would just like us to do a very quick Ouija, if that's okay.
Yeah.
[Mr Swallow] If you pop two fingers on that side, I'll take these.
Then you just go with it. There we go.
So, first of all, we just need to calibrate the board, okay?
So I'm just going to ask the spirit to spell guacamole.
-Calibrate the board. -[laughing]
Calibrate the board. It's fabulous.
[Mr Swallow] Spirit, can you spell guacamole?
And instantly it's going…
to no. It won't spell guacamole. Okay.
But do you have a particular question in life, or in work,
or anything that you'd like to ask the spirit?
Will I win an Oscar?
And do you want to give a time frame on it?
2026.
All right, well, that's not long.
I'd have thought you'd be filming that now.
-If you're gonna win an Oscar in 2026. -[Daisy] Very soon. Yeah.
[spectators laughing]
So, we're going to ask spirit, do we think that you're gonna win an Oscar
in 2026 or whenever.
So…
"I".
[stammers] "D".
"Don't"…
Oh, "I d--" Yeah. "I don't know".
[clicks tongue] Doesn't know.
Was a waste of time, wasn't it?
[laughs]
[Daisy] I found it really hard not to laugh doing the Ouija board.
Especially because I could feel how strongly he was pushing it.
Um, now, Harriet, what have I got for you?
Yeah, Harriet's a goner.
[Harriet] I find that Mr Swallow is really funny,
and his comedy can just be a bit… bit surprising.
It just comes out of nowhere, and that is the thing that you have to watch out for.
And that is why you can never relax.
So, Harriet, I'd like to play a game of rock paper scissors with you.
-If that's all right. -Yeah.
Um, and it's just gonna be really straightforward, okay?
So we're going to do one, two, three and then the… and then the symbol, okay?
So, rock paper scissors. Okay, so you ready?
-Mm-hmm. -Okay, here we go.
One, two, three.
What… [stammers] You doing it with both?
[snickers]
[spectators laughing]
Oh, no. Oh, no.
You can't double-fist it, Harriet. It's a one-fist game.
[Mr Swallow] Yeah. [laughing] What's that?
We'll try it again. Here we go. Okay.
-So… -[strained] I forgot how to play.
God, she's on the… she's on the cusp.
Do you want me to remind you the rules?
So that's rock, that's paper, that's scissors. Okay?
Rock beats scissors,
-paper beats rock-- -I'm trying so hard here.
I don't think I've broken, but I just… I feel broken.
You look really relaxed and comfortable up there, Harriet.
-[Lou] Yeah. -Very comfortable. Okay.
-[coughing] -You give it five minutes.
-[Mr Swallow] It's a cough. It's fine. -[Rob] Is it a cough?
It's just a cough. Okay, here we go.
Are you all right, Harriet? 'Cause we do need to crack on.
Okay, ready? Okay, so we're going to do rock paper scissors.
Here we go. One hand.
One, two, three, go.
-What's that? Why you doing it with both? -[snickers]
Why are you doing it with both, like, bang on the…
-[laughing] God. -[Mr Swallow] It's just one, innit?
[spectators exclaiming]
-She's gone. -She gone.
-[Richard] That was a breakdown. -I can't.
I can't do it anymore. [laughs]
[electronic percussion playing]
-[Richard] Oh, wow. -[Lou] What happens now?
-Who do you think that was? -Yeah, who do you think that was?
[contestants laughing]
I was trying to play rock paper scissors and not laugh at the same time,
but I couldn't do those same things at the same time.
That… It-It was just… It was too much for me. I broke.
Doors.
Jimmy.
Oh, God. Jimmy. Here we go. You've done it now, Harriet.
Let's have a look. Let's see if it was… 'Cause it… Maybe it was a cough.
-I'll take this back. I'm willing to. -[Harriet] Maybe it was.
It could've been a cough.
We should check. It might've been a cough.
One hand. One, two, three, go.
-What's that? Why you doing it with both? -[snickers]
Why are you doing it with both, like, bang on the…
-[laughing] God. -[Mr Swallow] It's just one, innit?
-Okay, okay. -[Jimmy] Sorry.
Yeah, I'll take that. Thank you.
-[laughing, speaks indistinctly] -[Jimmy] Well played, uh, Harriet.
-Mr Swallow. -Well done, Nick.
[contestants] Yeah, lovely. Well done. Well played.
[Lou] That was good though.
Harriet, also it's good to get it out of your system.
Gotta get it out. Gotta get it out. I just couldn't.
Is he going to take Bob's helmet off?
And then we lock the doors and then Jimmy's in there
and they get to strip him.
-Yeah, I might hit red. -[chuckles]
And then go, "Jimmy, you're locked in."
-[laughs] -See how you like it, you bastard.
-Did you enjoy that? -Yes, very much. Thank you.
'Cause you could laugh during that.
-I'm afraid the immunity has… -Ceased?
It has ceased, yeah. So I'm gonna have to…
-It was nice while it lasted. Thank you. -…take that from you.
Okay, I'm gonna restart the game.
[groans]
Concentrate.
[Jimmy] So, Harriet gets a yellow card.
Sadly, the kids game rock paper scissors
was just a little bit too complicated for her.
Shall we restart the game?
-Can I press it? -Uh, yeah.
-[Wilkinson] Great. -I've never pressed it.
-Ooh. -[off-key trumpet playing]
Uh, thank you.
-[Roisin chuckles] -[Rob] Does anyone else want a coffee?
I would love a coffee.
-Sorry, what did you say, Daisy? -Uh, yes, please. Yeah.
If that's all right, but the water…
Can the water be absolutely, like, boiling hot possibly?
I wanted to make everyone a cup of tea or coffee
to find out who said "please" and "thank you"
and then log it so that when I meet other comedians,
I can slag them off.
You can't laugh, but it's a lovely life in there.
-It is. It's much better than this. -Whereas in here,
in Jimmy's, "Oh, we can't have a piss" palace…
[laughing] "You can't have a piss" palace.
I'm just gonna stretch out my hams.
-There we go. -[grunts]
He's got sh… like, clown shoes on.
What? I'm right here.
Like Krusty the Clown.
Your feet aren't… don't fill that shoe.
[Richard] Yes, they do. What are you talking about?
That toe is broken because I was fighting a lizard in Greece.
-What do you mean? What happened? -[Richard sighs]
I was in the room, I was just reading some Goethe,
looked to the right, lizard comes in.
-The door was-- -How big?
[groans] S--
That big.
I'd give it one of those, right.
Clock it and it darts underneath the sofa.
I'm in a primal state of fear.
I leap off the sofa, and I kick the sofa.
The hotel room is very cheap, and that sofa's like a block.
And I have to strut it out. I didn't want to go to A & E.
-But you didn't have to… -So--
You didn't have to mention that you were reading Goethe.
-Yeah. -[Richard] It helps set the scene.
Know what I mean? That's exactly what I was saying.
That's where he's trying to trip me up.
And as well, the way you described that you did fight the lizard.
You didn't really. The lizard didn't touch you.
You kicked… You kicked the sofa.
We skirmished.
-And the fact that we didn't engage… -See there?
-[stammers] -I find his words quite attractive.
The fact there wasn't contact does not mean it wasn't a fight.
[beeping]
I was…
Sneeze or cough… I was really sick, coughing.
-And it just felt like my eye popped. -[gasps]
It felt like it just pushed out too much.
Yeah.
-Oh, my G… Isn't that horrible? -I went to the eye hospital.
And what did they say?
They said, "Your eyes are just big."
Uh. Uh. Uh-huh.
[spectators laughing]
I think we need to see Judi play her joker.
[ringing]
Yello.
Oh, hi. Could you ask Judi to get ready for her joker please?
Yeah, gotcha. Okay.
Judi, it's, um, joker time.
Oh, Christ. Good luck, my darling.
Oh, no, actually, not… no luck.
-Okay. -Cannot wait. Cannot wait.
Judi Love is someone that you don't want to look at too long
-if you don't want to laugh. -[Sara] No.
These are all contenders now. Everyone's sort of got into their…
-Yeah, they're incredible players. -…groove. Yeah.
All the shit people have gone. [laughing] Now they're really good.
No offence to all of you, but yeah, the shit ones are gone.
[Lycett, Wilkinson chuckle]
-[alarm rings] -[Jimmy] Here we go.
[breathing heavily]
Hello, hello.
Um, I thought that, you know, as a team,
we need something to just warm our spirits.
So I, today, want to give you a fashion show.
[catwalk music playing]
And first we have Chico.
Not Chico from X Factor, but Chico…
Aw.
-[Lycett, Roisin] Aw. -Oh, Chico.
[laughing] Look what he's wearing.
Yes.
Rob, come be Dumbledore, for fuck's sake.
Here comes your treat, you bastard.
This is my perfect sense of humour.
DMC's unbreakable.
So are you, though.
[laughing]
We can take him down if we all try. I'm sure of it.
[singsongy] Whoa, oh, oh.
Mysterious girl. oh, oh.