[Miles] Previously on Overcompensating…
Who will I be when you go?
I'm getting the feeling your parents cared too much.
-Yeah. [sighs] -Have you ever kissed a guy before?
-No. -Benny, I'm your girl.
-I'm a fag hag now. -I don't think you can say that.
-I'm Benny. We should hang out sometime. -Sure.
[moans]
[Carmen] I told you about my family. I played Slutslayer with you.
And I only came once.
You treated me like I was nothing.
You're a toxic gaslighter with no future prospects.
I fucked Peter.
[Peter] They're all a bunch of fucking losers.
[phone notifications chiming]
[Carmen] "Tig ol' bitties. Talks about dead bro too much.
Cleveland Steamer fan. Orphan slut."
Well, now I have my dating app profile sorted.
[chuckles] Are you okay?
No. Oh, my God. It's so dumb. I don't care.
No, um… I'm just excited about Thanksgiving with your family.
Yeah.
"Kinda a pussy."
Am I kinda a pussy?
New topic, please.
It's like you've never been cyberbullied before.
[George] Hi, you on campus this weekend?
[Grace] Actually, this is a good time to chat.
We need to get on the same page before we see Mom and Dad.
Same page about what?
About Peter, obviously.
'Cause they don't even know that he's not coming. Unless you told them.
No. I had my weekly call with them and didn't say anything.
You have a weekly call?
-Yeah. -Oh, my God.
It's really fun. We play Rose, Bud, Thorn and then--
The only time they called me all semester
was to see if I wanted a membership to CorePower.
-I'll take it. -You have enough.
So when they ask where Peter is, we're gonna say that he's sick.
Did he tell you why he called me kinda a pussy?
And details really sell the lie,
so specifically Peter is sick with strep throat.
Like how he lied about me being kind of a pussy?
You don't even know that was him.
Anyone on the pledge committee could've called you a pussy,
so you need to get this whole leaked F&G slide bullshit outta your system now,
okay, and stop talking about it.
Because I don't wanna have to explain it to Mom and Dad
and tell them that, like, Peter's spiraling or whatever.
"Peter has fallen ill." Say it back to me.
-Peter has fallen ill. -[all] …fallen ill.
Thank you.
Okay. Well, I feel like now is a good time to also tell you…
I told Mom and Dad I row crew.
-What? -Just say you saw me in a race.
-No way in fuck am I doing that. -[Benny] Hey, Grace.
Where's Peter?
I kinda want a big lie too so I can fit in.
We could lie and tell them you were invited.
[chuckles] My son! My boy!
-Hi, Dad. -[pants] Oh. Hi, Grace.
Oh. Glad you're here.
[pants] Hey!
-Oh. [groans] -Hey, Dad. Ooh!
-[chuckles] Aw. [sighs] -Yeah. Hi.
Where's Peter?
-He's fallen ill. -Aw.
Yeah. Uh, he was diagnosed with strep throat.
-At the health center. -[Mr. S] Uh-huh.
On Tuesday. It was raining. Stormy day.
Now we get Grace to ourselves.
Which is great 'cause I can use that time to catch up with Benny.
You know, he's been so busy as the star coxswain on the crew team.
-What's a coxswain? -Dad, this is Carmen.
So nice to meet you, Mr. Scanlon.
Oh, no. Call me John.
Carmen, I'm glad you could join us.
Especially after Benny told me what happened with your flight.
Yeah. You know how, like, it, um… it got bumped,
and then they didn't have one until Saturday.
And I would have been stuck on campus all alone.
-My son to the rescue. -Uh… [chuckle] Dad, what… [sighs]
-Oh. [grunts] Invisalign. -Oh.
-Ew, Dad. Oh, my God. -[groans] Oh. Sorry.
[sighs] Since I retired, I'm finally taking care of me.
My babies! [laughs]
John, why didn't you tell me they're here?
I love you, I love you, I love you! [squeals]
Ah. And you must be Carmen. Come here, girl.
[groans] We are so happy to have you with us.
And is your mommy angry that we're stealing you?
-Oh, she'll cope. [chuckles] -[laughs]
Let me get this.
Oh! Looks like someone brought a few outfits with her.
-John. [chuckles] -[chuckles]
Mostly books. Gotta study for finals.
Oh, are you in the same business class with Benny?
No. Um, English major actually.
She's, uh, an amazing writer.
No, really? Uh, have you read Rob Lowe's new book?
Oh. No, I-I've missed that one.
Well, I just finished it on audiobooks.
He's really a remarkable man.
I've been meaning to write a history of our ancestors actually.
So, Dad, you're a writer, and, Mom, you're a yoga teacher now?
Oh, no. That certification was a nightmare.
This morning, I went to self-defense class.
What did you learn?
Thank you for asking, Carmen.
Today, I learned how you use the pivot foot
to push the energy through your fist to take down an assailant.
-John, stand back. -Yeah.
It's like this. Power, pivot, punch!
-[laughs] Right? [chuckles] -[Carmen] Oh, wow.
-It's so good. It's so good. -Hi, Stew!
-Ha, look who's back. It's Benny.
-[Benny's mom] Hi, Stew. -Lucky seven, Benny boy!
Hi, Stew. I'm home too.
I know. We're so excited. Where's Peter?
[Benny] Mom, do you wanna show me your pivot foot again?
[grunting, groans]
-[Benny's mom] …so much fun. Ah. -[Benny] Yeah, it's amazing.
[door closes]
Oh, my God.
[chuckles] Thank you, son.
She's a new addition.
You know, we had the 65-inch,
but 108-inch, curved, this is a game changer.
Imagine March Madness on this, Benny.
But staring at the yellow does give him vertigo.
It's not yellow. It's Behr saffron, and it's a knockout.
[inhales sharply] Would you kids like something to drink?
[Carmen] Yeah, I'm good with anything.
Wow. You guys really embraced the accent wall thing, huh?
Every room.
Oh! Vitamin water.
[John] Just trying to update the house. Keep things fresh around here.
-Dark… -[electricity crackles]
Uh, is that part of keeping it fresh too, or…
Oh, yeah. Your dad tried to fix the lights,
and now they strobe.
So in order to stop it, we have to turn off every light in the house.
So we've been mostly going dark.
[John] For the record, the wiring was not my fault.
No, no, no. You're right. And thankfully, now that you're coaching…
-Kathryn. -What?
-Oh. Oh. -[groans]
You ruined the surprise.
Big news, Benny. I am now a coach of the ol' Crusaders.
-Wow. -Our hallowed ground.
Who says retirement has to be spent on the couch, right?
-That's great, Dad. -Yeah. And everyone asks about you.
So I thought maybe tomorrow we'd drive around and say hi.
Although it's gonna be hard to explain why you traded football for crew.
My son's not getting soft, is he?
No. No, Dad. Uh, football's club. Crew's D1.
Oh, you. You.
-[chuckles] That's my boy. [chuckles] -[sucks teeth] Yeah. [chuckles]
-Well, he's my boy too. Mmm. -[John] Ah. Aw.
I have a little surprise that I would like to share with everybody.
Well, I gotta get my workout in.
Hey, uh, Carmen, how old do you think I am?
Mmm… Fifty-six.
Yeah. [muttering] Fifty-six.
Surprise! [squeals]
[chuckles] So, a few days after we dropped you at school,
I ran into Barbara Van Horn at the Fred Meyer,
and she said, "Oh, what are you gonna do all day now that you're an empty nester?"
And that really ticked me off, you know.
What do you mean, what am I gonna do all day?
It's not like I'm just gonna sit around and do nothing.
So then I was at the mall, returning a sweater at J.Jill,
and I realized…
-[dog barking] -…I should get myself a little day job.
Knock it off, Jagger.
Anyway. So I marched myself right into the J.Crew factory outlet,
and I asked if they were hiring.
I didn't wanna do J.Jill. I didn't wanna ruin it for myself.
[inhales deeply] And those managers there hired me right on the spot.
Ugh, they are the best. The sweetest gay and this bigger girl.
-Mom, you can't say that. -I'm not allowed to say gay anymore?
Oh, no, "girl." The sweetest gay and this bigger woman.
So now you have six Chow Chows?
Oh. Ashleigh working there had this Chow she was trying to get rid of,
-and Barley had just died. -Barley's dead?
Cancer. He went fast.
We didn't wanna bother you guys. You were in the middle of midterms.
-[both] Oh, my God. -Anyway, so I took her and boom.
Miss Sugar was pregnant.
Sugar? That name is so sweet.
They are all named after Maroon 5 songs
because I had just seen the show with my mall friends.
-Which one's Payphone? [chuckles] -That's Payphone!
I'm gonna go to my room.
Okay, make sure you show Carmen where it is.
Why?
Well, I feel a little uncomfortable having Benny share his bed
with his woman friend when I haven't asked her parents' permission.
What the living fuck?
Language. You sound like the kids who work at Zumiez.
So, Mom has lost her mind.
Why is Dad coaching?
Okay, Carmen, just do us all a favor.
When the cousins get here,
if our Uncle Larry tries to talk to you about his idea for a croakie business,
-just do not engage. -Grace.
-What? -They're not coming.
Mom told me that Zack is dating a Mormon girl,
so they're spending all of Thanksgiving with her family on a dude ranch.
-Oh, thank fucking God. -[Benny chuckles]
Okay, well, maybe the Mormons will love Aunt Linda's
hand-painted "Choose Joy" rocks.
You'll see them all over the house.
Last year I got "Laugh, it's free."
Well, I'm this way. So I guess that means we're this way.
[sighs]
Oh, "Welcome to the Black Parade." I love that song.
Yeah, I used to. I just never took it down.
Uh… Sorry for invading your space.
I guess it's better than sleeping in Benny's room.
You wouldn't want people thinking you're a slut.
[Benny] Carmen?
I guess I… I'm gonna go.
You think we're in the right room?
Shut up.
Okay, well, I just got back from Spencer's Gifts next door.
-Oh. Yeah. -What is going on?
[chuckles] Yeah. Grace used to be…
different.
Every year for the Christmas card,
Grace would get $20 if my mom could pick her outfit and do her hair.
Well, at least there was profit in her lying.
And love in mine.
I don't think you needed to lie about crew.
Your parents are so sweet.
Like, I feel like they'd be proud of you no matter what you did.
I mean, this whole house is a shrine to you.
No, it's a shrine to the version of me they're proud of.
Well, it reminds me of the pictures of my brother in my house,
except my brother's dead.
[sighs] Lucky him.
I'm sorry. I don't mean literally, it's just…
Your brother never had the chance to let your parents down.
-I don't think I can change, Carmen. -Sure.
I think it would ruin them.
I've been gone three months,
and my mom's a groupie for Maroon 5, and my dad's a Property Brother.
Okay, well, too late. You've changed, Benny.
-But they don't need to-- -You're texting boys now.
They don't need to know that.
Okay. Well, are you gonna text George back?
I want to, yeah.
Okay. Are you ready?
Mm-hmm.
"Nah, bro. Went home."
"Nah, bro"?
See?
I'm back here for, like, an hour, and I become who I was. Fuck.
Well, speaking of lying, I feel like I should tell Grace about Peter.
[inhales sharply] Oh, no, no, no, no.
-She should know he's a piece of shit. -Please don't. No, please don't.
Doesn't that make you a bad brother?
Yes. Please don't.
Grace will freak out and then my parents will freak out and…
They like Peter. They don't wanna know who he really is.
Let's just get through the weekend.
Okay.
I don't know… [stammers] …between my Catholic guilt
and my parents on a Royal Caribbean cruise,
it's hard not to feel like an orphan slut.
Fuck them.
Thank you. Yeah, I know. I'm… I'm fine.
Oh. He's cute.
What's going on here?
I guess. Just a high school friend.
Okay. Aggressive.
No, no. I just, um…
Last time I saw him, um…
Just didn't go well.
Okay. Um, I kinda wanna go help your mom feed Maroon 5.
-[Benny] My mom loves you. -[Carmen] Really?
Yeah. Who doesn't?
Grace.
-[Grace] What? -Nothing.
Do you guys wanna go to a movie tonight?
We could. But, um, Jeff texted me about the downtown bar thing,
so we could do that.
Downtown bar thing?
The night before Thanksgiving downtown bar thing.
I've literally never done that.
Well, Grace, you don't talk to anyone from high school.
For good reason.
Fuck the bar. Let's go to a movie.
-[laughing] I really… Uh, yeah. -Wait… Wait, okay.
-You're telling me… -Okay, yeah.
…you think Lady Gaga is sexy?
-Yes. I think Lady Gaga is sexy. -Okay.
-What? [chuckles] -What? I'm… I'm…
I don't know. Just, um… Okay. All right. What about…
What about me?
What about you?
Am I sexy?
[chuckles] Yeah, dude. So sexy.
[door opens]
-[John] Benny. Whew. -Hey, Dad.
Mile and a half. Fifteen minutes. How about that?
Wow. Yeah.
Hey, you like your wall? Crusader blue, right?
Like it. Um…
-Dad, what, uh… -You know,
Invisalign made it so hard to eat, I lost five pounds. How cool is that?
You wear my clothes?
Well, they fit.
I came in here the day after we dropped you off.
-I just wept. -Oh.
[sighs] Hadn't cried like that
since I was named Senior VP Northwestern Central Division of the bank.
Uh, it's… it's an honor. [chuckles]
I miss my boy.
Miss you too, Dad.
-We're glad you're home. -Yeah.
So, business classes good? Pete still showing you the ropes?
-Yeah. -Great.
-Good boy. -Yeah. All good.
Aren't you proud of your dad, huh? Finally your team has a good coach.
Not really my team anymore, but--
[sighs] Two pair of socks and these babies fit like a dream.
Oh! Ah, tonight, uh, what's the plan? A movie?
I'm actually meeting some of the guys.
Great. Uh… Not too late. [chuckles]
-Yeah. -We got a lotta people to see tomorrow.
Yeah. Good to be home.
-[knocks] -Hey.
Fuck the movie. We're going to a bar.
To see those high school people?
[sighs] Give me 20 minutes.
Hi, Kathryn. Can I help you with anything?
Hi, sweetie. You are so nice.
You can keep me company.
Oh. [stammers] Are you a makeup artist too?
No.
My girl Rosa at the MAC counter gave me a bunch of testers.
I was gonna give 'em to Grace. I can't use any of it.
The names are really crass, but they're really pretty.
I could show you.
There's this makeup girl on YouTube I'm obsessed with.
-She has some pretty cool tips. -Really?
-Mm-hmm. -I would love that.
She got canceled three times for saying some racist stuff,
but she's actually really good at explaining eye shadow.
Do you do this with your mom all the time?
Uh… No.
Well, I had so much fun. You're a real girl's girl.
Thank you. Um…
Do you do this kind of thing with Grace?
No.
I don't think Grace is a girl's girl. Or maybe I'm just not her kinda girl.
Oh. Hi.
Hi, sweetie. Look at this beautiful makeup that Carmen's doing.
It's really bold.
Do you have a tampon, Mom?
Oh, I don't think I do.
Menopause is over for me, even though you could never tell looking at my face.
[both chuckle]
I have one.
Oh. Thanks.
You look so pretty, Grace.
You really do, sweetie.
Tampon?
[rock music playing]
[Jeff] Hey, Benny boy!
[cheering]
Hey!
[exclaiming] Ah, you piece of shit! Yeah!
I need a drink.
Yeah, yeah. Me too.
-What do you want? -Um, whatever you're having.
-Okay, and you have an ID? -Yeah.
Right.
[patron 1] Holy shit.
-[patron 2] Disgrace! -[patron 3] Oh, my God.
[patron 4] She looks so different.
[patron 5] I fucking hate her.
[patron 6] Oh, my God, Disgrace is here?
I heard my mom talking to Taylor B.'s mom,
and they were saying how skinny she is now.
I mean, we're, like, the same size. Did she say anything about me?
-No. -Whoa.
Is that Disgrace? She's kind of hot now.
Thank you.
[Grace] Yeah.
How the fuck is college, brolingua?
You getting laid, Ben?
You getting some nice puss-puss?
[Jeff laughs]
-Yeah. Yeah! -[friends cheer]
Hey. That one girl you posted had some fucking juga-wats.
[friends] Jugs!
She had some bazingas!
-[friend] Bazingas! -[friends cheering]
[friend] What's up? Ah, I missed you, bro. No homo.
Missed you too.
No homo.
-[laughs, exclaims] -[friends laughing]
Is it always like this?
Oh, the nonstop standing ovation? It is literally always like this.
It was the same for my brother.
How old is he?
Oh. No, he's not. He's dead.
Oh, shit. I'm sorry. That's brutal, Carmen. Fuck.
Although living in a memorial shrine to him
and, like, parents that only wanna talk about him,
it feels like you kinda know the drill.
Yes, I know that drill. I do.
So… Wait, why did you wanna come to Idaho?
Wouldn't your family, like, want you to be with them?
Especially if you're, like--
Last living child? Yeah.
-Yeah, you would think. Um, no. -Yeah. Yeah.
-They're on a cruise. -Ew.
Yeah. They said they thought I would be too busy to come.
So there was no flight thing?
Details sell the lie.
More drinks?
-Outside. -Oh, shit. That weed is loud.
That's a fat blunt, but, you know, um, they drug test for crew.
So I gotta skip, boys. But yeah, have fun. See you, boys.
[friend] See you, Benny.
Hey, Benny.
Hey, man. Uh… When did you get here?
You saw me, Benny.
Look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry--
No need. Yeah.
All good, brother.
-What's up, you piece of shit? -[friends clamoring]
Okay, can we talk about your bedroom?
What about my bedroom?
Grace, it looks like the set of an Avril Lavigne music video.
Actually, I was more of an Ashlee Simpson girl.
OMG. Wait, me too.
Wait. Did we order these?
It makes sense to me that your room is so random.
Like, it feels like you're kind of out of sync with your life.
Like, you dress like the F&G girls, but you don't act like them.
-Yes, I do. -No, you don't. You're not fake.
You're a bitch to me. You're a bitch to me to my face.
-No, I'm not. -Grace.
I don't mean to be a bitch, like, all the time.
No. I wish I was like you.
I wish I could just be like a stone-cold bitch and not care.
I care.
-I didn't need a tampon earlier. -Hmm?
Yeah. [stammers] I have an IUD, obviously. I'm not 12 years old.
I just heard you and my mom laughing.
Oh, my God. You should have joined.
Like, I haven't said more than five words to my mom in the past two years.
[patron 7 laughs] Holy shit! It's Disgrace.
Shut the fuck up! Why don't you eat "dis ass"?
Okay. Well, you were just a bitch to someone's face.
I'm glad you're here.
Thanks. Me too.
Also if one more person calls you Disgrace,
I'm gonna buy a gun.
Well, we're in Idaho, so that won't be very hard.
[chuckles]
I texted a naked picture of myself to this guy in ninth grade.
-Nude photo… Nude, like… Full? -Mm-hmm. The full nude.
I mean, it was blurry and my bangs were covering my eyes,
but he showed it to the entire baseball team,
and that is when Disgrace was born.
Oh, my God. Do you want to leave?
No, fuck it. I gave myself a blowout for these assholes,
and I don't even know why.
I will always be Disgrace to them…
but I guess it's better than being an orphan slut, right?
Too soon? Okay. Yeah, I am a bitch.
And I'm just an orphan slut.
Why would anyone write that about you?
Like, Benny I get. He is kind of a pussy
but, like, "orphan slut"? It's so weirdly specific.
[bartender] Downstairs karaoke starts in ten minutes!
Oh, my God. We're going. We have to watch these hicks mortify themselves.
Come on. Come on, come on. We're going.
[Jeff] Hey, what would you rather have…
a stapler mouth or hole punch fingers?
-Or a pussy? -[friend] You're a pussy.
[Jeff] Yo, what would you do if you had a pussy for a whole day?
-I'd fuck Ellen. -[Jeff] You couldn't handle her.
[friend 2] No homo. No homo, bro.
Sammy. Hey, um…
I saw you.
Obviously I fucking saw you, but…
Okay?
Sorry, I was… I was being kinda a pussy.
[sniffs] Yeah.
How's school?
It's really hard.
But I really like California. So…
Cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, Yates is, um… It's good.
Your girlfriend, um… The one that came with your sister?
She's, uh… She's really pretty.
[inhales sharply] Oh. She… Uh… She's not my…
-Can I-- -No, can I? Please.
I'm really sorry, Benny. That day, I misread things.
Am I sexy?
[chuckles] Yeah, dude. So sexy.
[gasps, breathes shakily] What the fuck?
I'm sorry.
[breathes heavily] Faggot.
You… You didn't misread anything.
I was scared.
I still am.
I'm trying to figure it out.
College hasn't been good. Um…
I caught feelings for this straight guy.
It was the worst experience of your life? [chuckles]
By a mile.
Yeah. No. I've been there.
I think about you… all the time.
You do?
Yeah.
[Sammy chuckles]
And that girl,
she's not my girlfriend.
She's my fag hag.
Yeah, I don't think you're allowed to actually say that word.
I think I can…
now.
Right.
She is a hag, which…
-That would make you a… fag. Yeah. -[chuckles]
And for the record, Lady Gaga is sexy. [chuckles]
[chuckles] Yeah.
And so are you.
[crowd applauding]
Sorry. The line for the bathroom was so long.
Okay, that was TJ singing "Driving Drunk Through an Intersection" by Kurt Dillard.
And next we have Grace singing "Welcome to the Black Parade."
I wasn't in the bathroom. Details.
Carmen, I'm not singing.
Yes, you are.
Dude, you gave yourself a blowout. Fuck these assholes.
Grace?
Go.
[MC] Hello?
-Fuck it. -[MC] Grace?
Let's go, Disgrace! Whoo!
Well, play it.
["Welcome to the Black Parade" playing]
[giggles]
Okay.
♪ When I was a young boy ♪
♪ My father took me into the city ♪
♪ To see a marching band ♪
[breathes deeply] Okay, so we're gonna do this?
I think we're already doing it.
[breathes deeply] Okay.
[song continues]
♪ He said, "Will you defeat them? ♪
♪ Your demons and all the nonbelievers ♪
♪ The plans that they have made? ♪
♪ Because one day I'll leave you ♪
♪ A phantom to lead you in the summer ♪
♪ To join the black parade" ♪
[crowd cheers]
-[gasps] -Yeah!
♪ When I was a young boy ♪
♪ My father took me into the city ♪
♪ To see a marching band ♪
♪ He said, "Son, when you grow up ♪
♪ Would you be the savior of the broken ♪
♪ The beaten and the damned?" ♪
[cheering continues]
He's out banging horses then fucking candles,
you know what I mean? Benny, did Sammy trap you in the bathroom?
[laughs] That's so funny, Connor.
You weren't saying that an hour ago when my dick was in your mouth.
Hey, you better watch your mouth, faggot.
Don't fucking call him that.
What, are you a faggot too now, Benny?
♪ And other times I feel like I should go ♪
♪ When through it all the rise and fall ♪
Power, pivot, punch!
Fuck pussy!
♪ And we'll carry on we'll carry on ♪
[laughs]
Motherfucker, you're a dead man.
[music stops]
[lisping, through Invisalign] Unbelievable.
Do you know how stupid I look? Do you?
I told everyone I was bringing you by to say hello.
But then you went out and got yourself two shiners.
I had to cancel…
[sighs] God. [groans]
[Grace groans]
Hide those. I beg.
You are hardly one to talk decorum. You're not even dressed for dinner.
Shampoo exploded all over my clothes.
[retches]
Is it, like, so bright in here?
Yeah.
Uh, honey…
[chuckles, clears throat]
[John] Oh, is that funny, Ben?
A little, actually.
You are so lucky Mike let you off with a warning.
Do you know what an arrest would do to your future plans?
Just because you're in business school doesn't mean a job is guaranteed.
I guess it's a good thing I'm not in the business school.
Excuse me?
I dropped out of my business classes.
What? Why? Why?
Well, I hated them.
So?
Life isn't only about doing what you want.
My God, what are you going to study?
-I don't know. -Don't know? You have to have a plan.
Peter has a job after school.
You don't just get to go there and wing it.
Peter doesn't have a job. He lied to impress you.
What? Wh… Why would he do that?
-You can't be serious, John. -What?
-You lied. -[John] About what?
You didn't retire.
You were laid off.
[both] What?
Let's not do this.
Oh, I'm going to.
I've let you ruin every room in my house with accent walls.
That's Behr's Peacock Tail.
-And it's a knock-- -Knockout. I heard.
And the team loves you as their new coach,
except that you're one of five assistant coaches.
And Behr's Peacock Tail is fucking insane!
I'm not a coxswain.
What is a coxswain?
I'm not on the crew team.
You lied about that too?
You said you were the coach, not the assistant.
[stammers] That's irrelevant to the conversation.
No, it isn't.
You kept pressing me and asking me if I was playing a sport, so I lied.
You don't have to lie to us, honey. You can change your mind.
Oh, can he, Kathryn? Life is so easy, you can just change your mind.
We changed our minds, John.
Kids, we got a divorce before we came back together and had you two.
[both] What?
Anything else you want to discuss tonight, Kathryn?
Yes.
-You would stop getting vertigo… -[Sugar barking]
…if you hadn't spent my money on a TV
that distorts every episode of Criminal Minds.
-Sugar, knock it off! -[whimpers]
[Siri] Playing "Sugar" by Maroon 5.
♪ I'm hurtin' baby ♪
Well,
I am going to go watch Band of Brother on my TV!
[sighs] Maps needs a bath.
I think I'm gonna throw up. [exhales sharply]
♪ Beggin' I'm on my knees, yeah ♪
♪ I don't wanna be needing your love I just wanna be deep in your love ♪
Should we say what we're thankful for?
[phone chimes]
[Sammy] How are the black eyes?
[Benny] My dad loved them.
I'm so happy I got to see you.
[Sammy] Me too, Benny.
[Benny] Are you coming home for winter break?
[Sammy] Oh, yes.
[music fades]
[door closes]
[exhales deeply]
So that was…
Insane?
It almost made me miss the calm of Aunt Linda's rocks.
[Benny chuckles]
-Almost. [chuckles] -Yeah. [clears throat]
I also wondered if you wanted to tell me what really happened with your eyes?
Mom, I… Um… I told you and Dad.
I… I walked into the bar and then there was this post--
Oh, but, sweetie, I'm in self-defense class.
I know a man-made shiner when I see it.
[chuckles]
Um…
Sammy was at the bar.
Oh.
And, um, a few of the guys
called him a fag.
Well, that must have hurt his feelings very much.
Yeah.
I think it did.
Well, good for you for sticking up for Sammy.
Yeah.
[sighs] And I hope I didn't embarrass us too much
in front of that darling Carmen.
No. [laughs]
It was just time, you know.
Your dad has been carrying around all these secrets
'cause he wants to be perfect for us.
For you especially.
And he's even trying to fix his teeth, and…
It makes me think of the rock that Aunt Linda gave me last year that says,
-"Perfection is boring." -[chuckles]
You know that, right?
You know you don't need to be perfect, right?
-Mom. -Yeah?
There's something you should know…
Mmm.
"Laughter is free."
-[laughs] -Free ninety-nine. [laughs]
God, she's a freak.
I used the move you showed me.
[gasps] You did?
-Power. -Pivot.
[both] Punch.
It's all so amazing, Mom. The dogs. The self-defense.
Mmm.
-The mall community. -They're wonderful people.
Yeah. I'm so proud of you, Mom.
[sobs]
[Benny sighs]
Oh, my goodness. I gotta get going. [laughs]
Black Friday starts at midnight at the mall.
You're… You're working tonight? [laughs]
It's the Super Bowl of shopping, honey.
Right.
And I told Preston and Tanya that I would bring Starbies.
You… Bring Carmen.
-Let's just get this over with, Ben. -[Kathryn] Okay.
Ready for the Christmas card, kids? I hope Peter wasn't too lonely.
[Grace sighs] He's fine, Mom.
Carmen, you get in too, honey.
-[Carmen] No. [stammers] -Yes.
-Come in.
I'm your Pacific Northwest mommy now.
-Isn't this the Midwest? -[family] No.
Smile, Sugar. Smile, Sunday Morning.
No one is ever gonna see this photo.
[Peter] "Peter Whitney, Dean Ballick would like to meet with you
regarding the recent Flesh & Gold leak.
Please respond with your availability,
as this is a very serious matter of which the school is taking immediate action.
Sent from my iPhone"?
Fuck pussy.