EDWARD (over phone): He'll be okay.
-He got hit by a car on a bike. -(shudders)
I'm going to the hospital now.
He did that on purpose.
Eddie, he chose to do that on purpose instead.
Instead of what?
Instead of whatever he's doing.
I'm going to the hospital.
I'll call from there.
-Thanks, guys. -Sure.
(sighs)
GLENN: I'm Sergeant Glenn Purdue
announcing through this previously open door
my right to exercise a plain sight search.
(quietly): Fuck.
-I'm sorry. Did you say "fuck"? -No, I just said, "Come on in."
-(quietly): Fuck. -Are you the occupant?
I... am. No.
-What? -Wh-What?
Well, you said both.
Oh, I'm presently occupying this space, in these moments,
but I am not the occupant.
Why are you occupying this space in these moments?
I... work for La-Z-Boy, of course. (chuckles)
-La-Z-Boy? -I am the head La-Z-Boy.
-You're the head La-Z-Boy? -Well, I'm the head of the area.
Uh, we design, manufacture, sell and deliver
the finest recliners in the world.
-Did you see that truck outside? -I did.
Cool. Well, I'm just finishing up a delivery
and a on-site recliner walk-through.
-How did it go? -It was cool.
A very cool delivery.
All right. Cool.
All right.
Yup.
(exhales)
-Hello. -ALICE: Hello?
Are you, um...
Can I ask you a few questions? Do you mind?
Do you know a John Lakeman?
I...
(exhales sharply)
I'm sorry.
John Lakeman took my calming dog--
it's likely-- Charlie, for a period of time.
I'm still managing a soaring anxiety level here.
Vigorous exhalations help regulate my stress.
Okay.
Well, I was just saying...
(exhales sharply)
I was just saying, no, I can't help you.
Do you live in this complex?
Uh, do you know the occupant of this apartment?
I don't, I'm afraid.
-He airhorned me. -What?
John Lakeman.
-What does that mean? -He...
airhorned my head.
What does he do for you, your dog?
If I can ask.
He helps maintain low anxiety environments
and keeps me from suffering levels
of debilitating depression
and spontaneously harming myself or crying. (chuckles)
Okay.
-Thank you. -Yeah.
GLENN: John Lakeman.
He's the guy who called and said he brought Charlie back.
He called from Luxembourg last night
and wanted to talk to Charlie.
-Charlie? Your dog? -Yeah, Charlie.
-Weird guy. -Yeah, it was a weird conversation.
That's what I'm saying. And check this out.
This is a request to interview from Interpol last week.
One of the names?
John Lakeman, works at McMillan.
You think this is the guy from the evidence room?
I think he's the guy who took Charlie, man.
And I think it's all part of the same thing.
Who takes another guy's dog?
-JEFF: Also my leg. -GLENN: What?
-My leg. -What about it?
I'm just saying, taking my leg was fucked up, too.
GLENN: Totally. That's... that's what I'm saying.
This is fucked up.
There's a whole thing going on here, I'm saying.
An international business firm,
homicide, Europe, Interpol.
Man, this is bigger than an evidence room assault.
John Lakeman.
He's not in Milwaukee,
and he isn't with his regular traveling party in Luxembourg.
I called McMillan.
He seems to have just disappeared.
Hey, we solve this,
maybe we can get out of the evidence room.
Let's find John Lakeman.
We're three good cops, right?
Once upon a time.
No "once upon a time."
Right here, right now.
Long as we help each other along, right?
GLENN: Yeah.
Long as I have Charlie, I can do it all.
ALL: Misfit Toys.
(window rolls down)
TOM: Alice.
ALICE: I'm sorry. I don't know what to do.
TOM: Well, of course you don't, honey.
But I do, and it's gonna be okay.
Honey, let me drive. Get some rest.
TOM: Looking back,
you might want to ask if we'd...
...well, if we'd quickly passed the point of no return.
Next.
But that's not how we assess events such as...
You can always return. But what do you come back with?
And does what you bring back
justify the toll and the breaches
and the transgressions and the occasions
you didn't go by the letter of the thing?
So that's not the line we talk about when we assess.
WOMAN: How do you assess?
We assess impending events in terms of danger.
In terms of the danger to the viability of the task
and to the men and women who perform it.
And the line we try to bear in mind, in stages like this,
is the line past which danger, of both those sorts,
increases exponentially.
It's called The Vantasner Danger Meridian, this line.
That's the term we use
to explain conditions of encroaching
and encompassing grave danger.
The Vantasner Danger Meridian.
You know, son...
What?
-Did you have to? -Have to what?
The doobies.
The what?
(sighs) In Amsterdam.
You know I know about that.
That didn't pass me by
that you couldn't pass the McMillan drug test.
I know you were smoking on the weed then.
I've been meaning to talk to you about that, but...
we've had these other things.
Yeah, we've had some other things.
-Doobies. -Stop. That's annoying.
Well, that's what started all this,
in Amsterdam, 'cause you were smoking on the weed.
In Amsterdam, obviously.
That's what started all this?
That-That's the jellyfish?
The what?
It's when you try to solve a problem,
you just make two more.
Why's it called that?
Jellyfish.
Got to be careful when you're trying to get rid of them.
You try to spear 'em or something,
they just turn into two jellyfish.
How do you know this about jellyfish?
And, yeah, it is that,
'cause you're smoking on the weed, in Amsterdam,
which your mother and I have talked to you
about that several times, about what that does to your brain.
You're smoking on it,
then you have to borrow Dennis's urine,
then you have to stab him,
then Dennis checks the fucking newspaper the next day,
then this detective shows up in Milwaukee.
He also called me.
-TOM: Exactly. -Thanks.
Well, that's just another jellyfish.
That's another jellyfish situation.
We just made more. Now they're everywhere.
There wouldn't be any investigation
if you guys had given me the right information
-on the private flights. -Well...
Which weren't very private, by the way.
That was s-someone at the bureau.
Ah, okay.
Also giving the bag to the wrong guy.
That was problematic, too, so...
Stop fighting.
We're gonna be okay.
We're all gonna be okay.
(sighs)
("Sure Shot" by Beastie Boys playing)
♪ 'Cause you can't, you won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Well, you can't, you won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Mike D, come and rock the sure shot ♪
♪ I've got the brand-new doo-doo ♪
♪ Guaranteed like Yoo-hoo ♪
♪ I'm on like Dr. John, yeah, Mr. Zu Zu ♪
♪ I'm a newlywed, I'm not a divorcée, yeah ♪
♪ And everything I do is funky like Lee Dorsey ♪
♪ Well, it's The Taking of the Pelham One Two Three ♪
♪ If you want a doo-doo rhyme, then come see me ♪
♪ I've got the savoir faire with the unique rhymin' ♪
♪ I keep it on and on, it's never quittin' time and ♪
♪ Strictly handheld is the style I go ♪
♪ Never rock the mic with the pantyhose ♪
♪ I strap on my ear goggles and I'm ready to go ♪
♪ 'Cause at the boards is the man they call the Mario ♪
♪ Pull up at the function and you know I Kojak ♪
♪ To all the party people that are on my bozack ♪
♪ I've got more action than my man John Woo ♪
♪ And I've got mad hits like I was Rod Carew, yeah ♪
♪ Because you can't, you won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Oh, well, you can't, you won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ I keep my underwear up with a piece of elastic ♪
♪ Use a bullshit mic that's made out of plastic ♪
♪ To send my rhymes out to all the nations ♪
♪ Like Ma Bell, I got the ill communication ♪
♪ 'Cause you can't, you won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Well, you can't, you won't, and you don't stop ♪
♪ Keep on and rockin' the sure shot. ♪
(sighs)
(indistinct radio transmission)
Papiers du véhicule et permis de conduire, s'il vous plaît.
I'm sorry. I know very little French.
MYNA: Est-ce qu'on est près du parc Disney?
OFFICER: Est-ce que vous avez acheté un Pass Famille?
Vous avez acheté un Pass Famille?
Non.
OFFICER: Step out of the car.
Move away from the car.
Stop.
Shoot yourself.
You're going to Disneyland Paris
and you're not purchasing the all-inclusive family pass?
You might as well blow your own head off.
With the all-inclusive,
you don't have to get there this early.
You breeze through the express entrance
and you get access to the FASTPASS lines at every ride.
(laughs): Oh. I didn't know that.
Yeah. It's good.
It's good at Frontierland, Adventureland.
I don't remember if it's accepted at Main Street, U.S.A.
Guillaume? (speaks French)
GUILLAUME: Oui.
OFFICER: Yeah, it's accepted at every venue.
(Tom laughs)
Now, there are three different FASTPASS packages.
I-I got the FASTPASS Carte Blanche, which doesn't include
FASTPASS access to concessions, which is why I'm suggesting
you-you purchase the all-inclusive--
-The Cordon Bleu. -(chuckling): Yeah.
The food lines are worse than the wait for the rides, man,
and you're gonna want to shoot yourself.
(chuckles) Well, I will inquire about that.
Can I give this back to you?
Please.
Your left rear brake light is out.
-Please get that fixed. -For sure. For sure.
And thank you for the express thing advice.
FASTPASS. Cordon Bleu.
Got it, yeah.
(chuckles) Thank you.
(indistinct radio transmission)
(panting)
(chuckles): Holy shit.
(Tom laughs)
(Tom sighs)
(breathing heavily)
It's time to interview this guy.
Fuck him up.
Tsk tsk.
Do you know nothing of seduction?
I know the ways.
Are you rough, young Mills, the morning after?
I'm expedient.
Tsk tsk.
Why tsk tsk?
The morning after is no time for expediency.
You must make a woman feel
like the morning after is where
the deepest exchange of pleasure takes place.
Even though it's not true.
The morning after plays an important role...
in the ways.
It is the special time of
pet names and the simple enjoyment
of one another's company
meant to deceive a woman into the belief
that she gave herself to a tender and gentle man.
Who gives her total respect beyond simply sex.
This way, you can fuck her numerous times in the future.
I'm going to go fuck this guy.
Uh, that... that was a Monday.
10:00 a.m. June, 2002.
The last time I did cocaine.
Leslie.
(clears throat)
I'm Leslie Claret.
And the last time I did cocaine...
was when that guy was talking.
You see, I had, uh, I had some
in the little crook, um, area--
my, uh, index-thumb crook area here,
and, uh, yeah.
I... I was pretending to listen to him.
I-I was...
I was in this-this listening posture,
but it was just so that I could do cocaine while I was here,
because I've been having...
I'm going through some...
very confusing times.
You can't do that in here, Leslie.
I was doing fine. You know?
Feeling good. Getting it done.
And then this-this-this major a-hole, Lakeman,
he shot me in the face.
We've all made an agreement
never to bring drugs into this environment.
Absolutely. I... Absolutely.
I agree with you, every word. (sniffs)
Did... (scoffs)
Did you just do cocaine, Leslie?
A-Again, while I was talking to you?
Yes.
Are you doing more now while I'm speaking to you now?
-Yes, I am. -Okay. You have to leave.
Fine. (sniffs)
You know, it doesn't work, anyway, ultimately.
So... (sighs) see ya.
Later, losers.
-I'm loving life! -(doorknob clicks)
Loving it!
(door opens)
Morning.
Hey.
Last night... that was intense.
Yeah.
How did you sleep?
I made you coffee.
Oh, thanks.
I sit with you for some time.
You don't have to talk.
Is it too warm?
(sighs) No, it's really good.
I didn't see this last night.
Have you been hurt by men?
A little bit.
Who hurt you, Dennis the Menace?
I call you like this
because everywhere you go
there are little troubles.
Little troubles like these...
In your report you failed to name your assailant.
I didn't know my assailant.
It's mine, you know?
This is your shirt?
Oui. It's mine.
It's comfortable?
Yeah, it is.
Do you know why it's comfortable,
Dennis the Menace?
It's very large on you
and reminds you
that someone more powerful than you
cares about you,
and it makes you feel safe with me.
Who hurt you?
It wasn't on purpose.
Your attack?
Well, i-it wasn't an attack.
I-I just was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
You know,
there are departments here
who believe you killed Hector Barros.
I don't believe this.
Hey, man.
Whoa, okay, man.
I have you.
I protect you from them.
Tu parle français? You speak French?
Yes.
Okay.
Ordinarily, when an assault victim withholds
the name of their assailant
they're trying to protect them.
Because it's someone they know.
Because they love them maybe.
In the mistaken belief that...
they're protecting their relationship.
But they're wrong.
You know, if this person harmed you...
then the relationship isn't worth protecting.
Yes, it is.
If you're really good friends.
If you're like best friends.
He's a friend?
You're saying?
He's your friend?
No, no. I was, I was saying, in the story you were telling
that if a woman lies to protect someone,
that it would be worth it if they were... best friends.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
My Dennis the Menace.
Shh...
Some more coffee?
Yeah, a little bit.
I called this woman Leslie Claret.
I'll file a request for interview.
He's a man. This woman Leslie Claret. He's a man.
He's a guy with a girl's name?
Yeah.
I love it when you see that.
Because life's hard enough. You know?
I find it funny existentially.
We all have something about our bodies that we dislike, Nan.
Do we?
Of course.
For instance? In your case,
what do you happen to dislike about your body?
I have unusual ankles.
That doesn't count.
They give me great concern.
How often are people looking at your ankles?
My hair surrounds my face.
It's just genetics. You got Dad's hair.
My lustrous hair came from Mom.
Your hair came from a box.
(laughter)
Nan, you'd look attractive with extensions.
Have you given them some thought?
Yes, I thought about how I would look stupid in them.
Why the fuss about your hair today?
I'm being photographed for work.
What do you think, Dad?
Do you think Nan should buy some new hair?
I think Nan is attractive with her current hair.
Dad?
Yes.
Who's the best-looking, would you say?
Just wondering here.
I think you're each the best-looking
in your own special ways.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What if spacemen would destroy the world
unless you shared your honest answer?
I would tell the spacemen that you're each
the best-looking in your own special ways.
Who's the most intelligent?
I think you're all the most intelligent...
(laughter)
in your own special ways.
♪ ♪
Nan?
Yeah, Dad.
If spacemen threatened the world,
I would confess that you're the most intelligent.
Thanks, Dad.
Yet I hope that never happens
as I wouldn't want to hurt the others' feelings.
Probably not going to happen, Dad.
Nan, I didn't want the others to know about a matter...
Yeah?
...I need your help with something.
Of course.
We'll discuss it when you're finished with the wigs.
I'm finished.
One, two, three.
(camera clicks)
Thank you, Detective.
EDWARD: Dad. You've got to get that money here, Dad.
They've been waling on me.
I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
And they're trying to get me to say shit about America.
(shouting in Farsi)
Ah! Fuck you!
-(shouting in Farsi) -Ah!
That's...
-Fuck. -What?
-(Edward shouting over video) -That's Dennis.
Dennis what?
That's Dennis in the kidnap thing.
Why the fuck would Dennis kidnap Edward?
He didn't. He's not kidnapped-- Edward.
What are you, what are you talking about? Did what?
They don't have any manpower left to take Ed.
They were down to using this big soft guy
to follow the puppeteer.
He cried when I was cracking him in the face, this guy.
There's no one left to take Ed.
EDWARD (over video): Ah! Fuck you!
That looks like Reservoir Dogs, too.
He made that with Dennis.
-They do that. -They do what?
Make weird videotapes to problem-solve.
-Why would he take himself? -To get the money.
Why?
Probably to throw it in the river.
Why?
So you'll leave me alone.
(Alice and Myna talking in distance)
So what do we do now?
TOM: We wait to see if having her gets us the bag back.
Wait till she contacts you.
Meanwhile, go get a gun.
Cantar Walley arrives later today, son.
I'm going back to Luxembourg.
I have to deal with another jellyfish.
Guy with the girl's name-- he's arriving... soon.
The police have filed a request to interview him.
-There today. -What does he know?
If he gave it some thought, a lot.
(Tom scoffs)
I didn't think we'd still be here, still doing this.
I thought if we just Dick Cheney'd his ass,
that would be that.
-Yeah. -Fuck.
Unsustainable.
What?
It's unsustainable.
We keep making conflict.
You called your mom. That made two additional.
Now she'll be here, with you and me.
What's the other one?
I had to have her picked up from the airport in Luxembourg City,
whisked here, so she doesn't leave tracks, so...
So... so what?
I-I had to pick one of the McMillan Men, one of your guys,
and I had to tell them all about it.
Which one did you pick?
-Headless guy. -Why?
I... I thought it would freak out your mom, I guess.
Is she gonna stay in this?
In the short-term? Can we count on Alice?
She lit out before.
Is she gonna stay with the girl?
I don't know.
If I was her... no.
If I was her, I'd...
leave before the guy who's me in this story
walked over there and tried to touch me.
-Stay. -(whines)
Come on, Charlie, I have to do something.
Good boy.
("Too Much on My Mind" by The Kinks playing)
♪ There's too much on my mind ♪
♪ And I can't sleep at night ♪
♪ Thinking about it ♪
♪ I'm thinking of the time ♪
♪ There's too much on my mind ♪
♪ It seems there's more to life ♪
♪ Than just to live it ♪
♪ There's too much on my mind... ♪
I know your mom, Myna.
I traveled with your mom once.
She was sweet to me.
Why did you hurt my aunt?
Because...
they're trying to stop something worse from happening.
Something worse than hurting my aunt?
Yes.
Are you going to hurt me?
-No. -Why not?
Because there is nothing worse than hurting you.
If they have to hurt you to help the world,
then the world's too broken already,
and it should blow up, and who cares.
They'll do something different.
They'll probably do something different and get hurt.
They'll get hurt?
Yeah. Probably.
♪ About it ♪
♪ There's too much on my mind. ♪
(dog barking in distance)
WOMAN: Can we talk for a moment about the threat he posed?
Cantar Walley?
Yes. The full extent of the threat he posed.
This is a charismatic, monumentally intelligent...
Every year, the Secret Service reprimands or fires
greater than 300 agents for... well,
flirting with women at their posts.
They argue that the job has inherent sex appeal,
that the suits, the shades, et cetera,
draw women to them.
We were discussing the intelligence of Cantar.
So am I. He requires his protection unit
to wear sexless, stupid-looking suits.
Cantar Walley arrives in 11 hours.
Begin your strenuous physical and mental preparations now.
Find your positions.
TOM: They're called the Action Boys,
and they're required to look ridiculous...
Action Boys, advance.
...so they can focus intensively on their task--
protect Cantar Walley with their lives
with no distraction.
He even has an elite unit, which protects him at his quarters,
which he requires, additionally, to have bad haircuts.
♪ ♪
These are the Dutch Boys.
WOMAN: That's pretty smart.
TOM: Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
You want this guy to have ICBMs?
(song begins)
The janky plan begins today.
Today I start to make my way
to a French gun.
The Iranians,
they get forty 'cause he's a dignitary.
They get all the guns they can carry,
and there's almost no other way
to get a gun today
in France.
But say you are a Senegalese grocer
with a tidy little joint
in a rough neighborhood,
and you keep
getting your ass beat.
You're just stacking up the crackers
and some French fucker takes your cash register
and leaves you beat
down in a heap
in France.
If you're attacked in your place of business
and can demonstrate loss of property
and consciousness,
on the 13th attack,
oh man, you get strapped in France.
They keep all the names
of all the French gun owners
in this kind of cool French tower
under lock and key
so someone like me
doesn't wander in,
snag a random name,
find the guy and fuck him up for his gun.
Which is why I'm climbing up
to the very top.
No way it occurred to security
someone would jump from
the roof to the balcony
'cause it's forty feet.
And you would have to be
pretty fucking crazy or just educated
on how to cross the
Vantasner Meridian
so you would have the chance to land
and just be unconscious
for 17 minutes.
(song ends)
(phone line ringing)
...and don't forget, I'm close to you.
MYNA: Oui.
(indistinct shouting on video)
-(blow lands) -(grunting)
(indistinct shouting)
(speaking Farsi)
Ah! Fuck you, man.
(groaning)
-Turn around. -What?
Turn around.
(grunting)
That was great.
That was awesome.
Can you hurry it up? Are you in the frame?
No, I'm not. I'm way out of it.
-You sure? -Yeah.
(shouts)
(groaning)
No!
(speaking indistinctly)
Can't fight no longer.
(video stops)
My ransom thing is totally going to work.
Then I'm gonna toss that fucking money
in whatever the name of the river is here.
Cool.
Yeah, it is cool.
My girlfriend's coming out, too... with my son, tonight.
We're going to chill in Europe,
now that this bullshit's almost over.
You have a son?
Totally. I haven't seen him for two weeks.
Do you have kids?
Yeah. Twins.
But, I haven't seen them for two weeks either,
because I helped your family out and...
fucked my whole life up.
Yeah. Hey.
Ransom. River. Over.
Cool.
If it's over, I can get home.
'Cause my wife Audrey and I,
we talked about having more kids...
who aren't twins.
Who I could... love,
you know...
-Sounds good. -...tuck 'em in and... stuff.
Just be there for 'em.
Wait, y-you don't tuck them in?
What's that?
The twins you have now, you don't tuck them in?
No. No.
Then I'd have weird dreams.
(bell chiming)
(phone line ringing)
-EDWARD: Hello? -JOHN: Hey.
-John. -Yeah.
What are you doing?
EDWARD: Just... being kidnapped.
Cool.
They let you keep your phone?
Um, yeah, but they, uh, they monitor my calls.
-How? -Through mechanisms.
-What kind? -Technology.
Okay.
To make sure that I don't call the police.
You're in a hot tub?
I can hear the bubbles and shit. The little engine thing.
Um...
JOHN: I know you're not kidnapped.
Can you come here?
Where?
Paris. And bring my guitar.
I need you.
Is Dennis there?
Hey, man.
Hey.
-How you doing? -Pretty good.
Ed, I'll send you the address of the place we're staying.
EDWARD: O-Okay. So this thing is still going on?
JOHN: Yeah, it's still going on.
EDWARD: Where are you? What are you doing?
JOHN: Just getting ready to jump off something.
Something high?
JOHN: What?
Is it high?
Yeah.
Land on your butt, man.
That's what people think.
What?
People think that.
It's the worst place, though, to land.
Because, at certain heights, your coccyx snaps
and pierces your kidney, liver, and then your heart.
Fuck. That's like an organ kebab.
Yeah.
Did you learn that in "jumping off shit" class?
Yeah.
So what do you land on?
The organ that's best protected,
by an encasement of bone.
-What, your head?! -Yeah.
You're supposed to land on your fucking head?!
Yeah, at certain heights.
I mean, your shoulder first,
then the head takes the secondary thing.
Yeah.
All right, I have to go.
I'll see you.
Okay, so this isn't done?
No.
Okay... I'll see you.
Fuck.
("Cosmic Charlie" by The Grateful Dead playing)
♪ Cosmic Charlie ♪
♪ How do you do? ♪
♪ Truckin' in style along the avenue ♪
♪ Dum, de-dum, de-do-da-lee-do ♪
♪ Go on home ♪
♪ Your mama's calling you ♪
♪ Calico Cal ♪
♪ You come tell me the news ♪
♪ Calamity's waiting ♪
♪ For a way to get to her ♪
♪ Rosey red and electric blue ♪
♪ I bought you a paddle ♪
♪ For your paper canoe ♪
♪ Say you'll come back ♪
♪ When you can ♪
♪ Whenever your airplane ♪
♪ Happens to land ♪
♪ Maybe I'll be back here, too ♪
♪ It all depends ♪
♪ On what's with you. ♪ too ♪