[bell tolls]
[brassy detective music]
- Hit it. - ♪ Hey-oh, yah, hah ♪
- ♪ Oh, hey-oh ♪ - Yeah.
- ♪ Hey-oh ♪ - ♪ Yeah, oh-hey-oh ♪
[detective music]
[camera shutter clicks]
Cute and cuddly, boys.
♪ ♪
Kowalski, just what are we looking at here?
Isn't it obvious?
Looks like a regular old fish to me.
That's because it is.
Fantastic.
Uh, thanks for clearing that up, Kowalski.
- Meeting adjourned. - No, wait!
It's a regular fish now.
But when I zap it with my super ray,
it will be a super fish.
Then when we eat the super fish,
we'll get stronger bones, denser muscle mass,
and, best of all, remarkably shiny feathers.
Aces, Kowalski.
And here I thought you'd finally cracked.
Keep an eye on him.
I think he's finally cracked.
Boring.
Don't like.
Don't want.
Don't care.
Used to like, not anymore.
Pass.
Wait! Was that a mango?
So sweet and tangy and juicy and sweet.
Did I say "sweet" twice?
It doesn't matter; a mango can be sweetie-sweet.
[gasps]
And now it's gone forever!
I'll get it.
Wait! Mort, come back!
That mango went into the gorilla pen.
[gasps] We must do something.
But I cannot be leaping into action on an empty stomach.
Mango, where are you?
Ooh!
[joyously] Mango!
[adventure music]
H-hello.
Yo, bing.
Yeah, badda?
We got us a trespasser.
No, we got us a thief.
You know what we do with thieves around here?
Kissies and huggies?
Nope. Thieves get bounced.
All systems are go.
Prepare for laser enrichment.
[Mort screaming]
[laughs]
Pretty light tickles.
[all gasp]
Good heavens!
Mort, are you--I mean, look at--
how do you feel?
I'm muscley!
Hee hee hee hee! I love it!
[laughs]
Wait, I need to do...
- [thud] - [debris clattering]
Tests.
Uh, Kowalski,
is this gonna be a problem?
[slurp]
It was then I realized
that I must focus
on the most importantest thing
in all of the life:
me.
Are you getting all this?
Hmm? Oh, yeah, I got it.
I got it all.
Okay, then. Chapter two.
Hi.
Mort?
Whoa!
What--is that--are you--
Is Mort back?
Did he bring the sweetie-sweet
sweetness of mango?
No!
Mort failed.
[sobbing loudly]
Mort, how many times am I telling you?
One: No touching the royal feet.
Two: No failing the royal me.
Sorry.
[tremulously] I get mango now.
You, uh, didn't notice anything different about Mort?
Uh, well, yes.
He's obviously doing something different with his hair.
It's nice, actually.
You want your mango?
Yes, please.
Well, tell you what, friend.
We're not givin' it to yous.
So whatcha gonna do?
Beat us up?
[laughter]
I said, "beat us up."
Okay.
Here, take a mango.
Take some bananas too, huh?
Please. Just don't hurt us no more, okay?
[laughs]
You got all this
from the gorillas?
Uh-huh. You like?
Yes, Mort, I like very much.
How did you do such a thing?
They told me to beat them up, so I did.
Don't be ridiculous, Mort.
You are far too puny
to beat up such big gorillas.
Your majesty, take a really good look at Mort.
Now that you mention it,
I suppose he is a bit... buff.
A bit? He's huge, man!
It's true.
And because of this hugeness,
you got things?
Perhaps I can be using this to my advantage.
[boxing bell dings]
Elephant!
Give to me your peanuts.
Sorry, I don't have any.
Oh. Check the trunk.
Okay.
Why do you lot want my hay?
You blokes don't even eat the stuff.
No, but there's something else I like to do with it.
Make macrames.
Nice, huh?
Touch me hair again,
and I'll snap you like a pencil.
Oh, really?
Listen, if there is to be any snapping,
it will be you who is the broken pencil, my friend.
Mort?
[Mort yells]
Whoa! Get him off me!
[screams]
Good day to you!
Kowalski, tell me you've got
that antidote figured out.
Yeah, I...
got nothing.
No matter what I do,
the formula's molecular structure
fails to achieve low-energy orbitals.
Hmm, tart.
Have you tried adding sugar?
Private, please.
This is an intricate problem
that requires that--
[gasps]
Sugar! Of course.
That's the answer.
The monosaccharide will stabilize
the entire solution.
Good job, Private.
Yes, well, I thought
it needed the monostereo... thing.
Eureka!
This will do the trick, Skipper.
Saddle up, men.
We've got a job to do.
[laughs]
Using Mort's muscles to loot all this loot
was geniusness.
I really must compliment my brain.
Brain, good job.
Thank you.
I thought it nice to have an idea
you didn't pull out of your booty.
Hey, do not speak ill of the booty.
Oh, booty, booty, booty.
Shut up about the booty!
You shut up about the shutting up.
I am not talking to you.
Fine; I am not talking to you,
stupid brain.
Hey.
Anyway, now I will dive
into my Mort-gotten loot.
Whee! [laughs]
Can Mort have banana?
Mort, you silly billy.
Of course you can't have a banana.
This is the royal loot.
Whoa!
But--but--but...
I want banana!
[screams]
Give me banana!
Maurice, do something.
Like give him a banana?
Don't be ridiculous.
Mort, now, let's not do anything hasty.
You no bully Mort no more!
Yes, okay.
You may have those.
They were a little green anyway.
You might want to peel-- no? Okay.
You do whatever makes you happy.
Mort cuddle feet!
[growls]
Sorry, sorry. Had an itchiness.
Go back to the foot-cuddling.
Pretend I'm not here.
I am pretending I'm not here.
Mort?
Oh, thank goodness it is--
- oh! - [feet crunch]
Mort cuddle feet!
What you lemurs do with your feet
is your own business, Mort.
But when you terrorize the whole zoo,
it becomes ours.
Um, Skipper?
Given that we turned Mort into the threat,
wasn't it already our problem?
Not now, Private.
Anyway, you're drinking this antidote pronto.
It'll reverse the unfortunate, freakish effects
of the super ray.
No!
Mort don't want antidote.
Can't... feel...
royal... toes.
Mort like big!
Ooh, boy.
Mort like strong!
Nobody boss Mort around!
He's in berserker mode.
Retreat, men, retreat.
Open up, Mort.
It's medicine time.
[gulp]
Now, Mort, let's--let's take
a moment to gather ourselves.
Yes, Mort, please.
Has anyone seen my spleen?
I know you don't want to go back
to being little, bullied Mort.
Still, might be a nice change of pace.
Let's give it a swirl.
But, Mort,
there's a natural order of things,
and being little and loveable--
No!
Mort hate little.
Whoa!
It does tickle!
[grunting]
Ow.
[screams]
[laughs]
I like beating up!
Kowalski, options.
Only one, Skipper.
Close your eyes so you don't see it coming.
Blorf!
[loud thuds]
What the deuce?
Wow, big penguin.
Yes, Mort.
And you're supposed to be little lemur.
So take your medicine now!
Okay.
[stopper squeaks]
I'm normal me again.
And I like me!
Yes, Mort, but I hope you've learned a lesson of value.
Being a bully is no good.
Wait a minute.
You used Mort to bully everyone else.
Oh, Maurice, please.
We don't play the blame game here.
Ahem.
All of the blame is mine.
Just don't sit upon me.
Well, nothing left to do
but whip up another batch of antidote.
Actually, I don't think that'll be necessary.
Private likes big.
Oh, boy.
♪ ♪
Screwdriver.
Calipers.
Spork.
Ostrich feathers.
And, finally...
bubblegum.
Bleh!
Blueberry.
Bleh?
Fine work, Kowalski.
What is it?
I have no idea.
Well, let's just keep it under wraps until you do.
Hey, guys, guys!
Private, interference.
Rico, stash the invention.
Kowalski, look natural.
Guess what!
Quiet, Marlene.
We're testing Kowalski's new invention.
Private!
Top secret.
Yeah, 'cause you're doing
a real good job of hiding it.
I'll have you know we're close to an exciting breakthrough.
You want exciting, huh?
Try this one.
Guess who's getting
a new roommate?
♪ That's right, uh-huh ♪
♪ It's me ♪
♪ New roommate, new uh-uh ♪
♪ New what--what, new what--what ♪
Okay, so they're transferring someone into my habitat,
so we can totally hang out and swim
and style each other's fur.
It's going to be perfect!
Too perfect.
How can you be sure this new roommate
isn't actually some sort of spy?
Come on. A spy?
Sent here the steal the plans
for Kowalski's new invention.
Mm-hmm--ah!
Here's a little something that I try to keep close to my heart.
Try looking for the best in people,
'cause you'll always find it. Huh?
That's cute and naive, Marlene.
Manfredi and Johnson were cute and naive--
well, Manfredi was the cute one--
until their little Nairobi surprise party.
Friendliness beats paranoia.
Boop!
Still cute, still naive.
Ooh!
Cute and naive.
Ha, Mr. Always-assume-the-worst.
Okay, just got to perk up the place
with some fresh flowers, comfy pillows.
Ooh, yummy snacks.
Gah!
Guys, guys, I have a door
right over there.
Sorry, Marlene.
Skipper thought you should see this.
They're zoo transfer papers.
Your new interloper--roommate
arrived in country this morning
on a class "F" freighter.
Okay.
A class "F" freight is only used
for animals weighing 1,500 pounds or more.
If the average otter weighs 13 pounds,
that means exactly 115.384 otters
are headed here right now.
1,500 pounds?
No, that's got to be a mistake.
Besides, if my roommate really did land this morning,
it means she'd be here any--
um, uh, excuse me.
Hi. Hi, there.
I'm Marlene.
You must be my new room--
Rat! Disgusting rat.
Shoo! Shoo, shoo!
I'm not a rat. I'm your roommate.
Really?
'Cause with that rat face,
you must get mistaken for a rat often.
Well, actually, no.
No, mostly because I'm an otter, see.
And my name's Mar--
[splash]
I'm Rhonda.
Um, so help yourself to the sardines.
They're--Rhonda?
They're kind of a "welcome to the zoo" kind of thing.
And I actually thought, you know, maybe we could--
[belches loudly]
So where do I bunk?
Oh, yeah, you must be exhausted.
We're a little tight on living space,
- so we'll have to-- - This'll work.
Remember, boys,
we may not be dealing
with 115.384 otters at all.
It might very well be one giant mutant 1,500-pound otter.
Or six large semi-mutated 250-pound otters.
Or 1,500 tiny 1-pound otters, right, Skipper?
I like where your head's at, soldier.
Yeah, it's so not otters.
You mean because of how grotesquely
they've all been mutated?
Huh? No, no, of course not.
It's--it's because my new roommate is a walrus.
For the record, is this walrus spy mutated in any way?
She's not a mutant, and she's not a spy.
She's just huge and... kind of gross.
I've tried to be nice to her, but nothing works.
Well, we can always arrange a nice long trip for her.
Right, Rico?
[laughs maniacally]
What? No, no!
No, I can't do that.
I mean, she's not that bad.
It's just--maybe we just need to get to know each other.
Oh, wake up, Marlene.
You can't get along with everybody.
Oh, I am awake, yeah.
Mostly 'cause she snores really loud.
[breathes deeply] Okay.
But still, with the right attitude,
you can make any situation work.
You'll see.
I'll prove to you that I can get along
with Rhonda just fine.
You watch me!
♪ Take me out to the ball game ♪
♪ Take me out to the ball-- ♪
Good morning, Rhonda.
- How's the water? - Even better
now that I added my own bubbles...
[farts] If you know what I mean.
[laughs boisterously]
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I got that.
And all over my pond too. Thanks.
You know, you really might want to consider--
is that my hairbrush?
Oh, this is yours?
Here. I'm done anyway.
Just be sure you clean it before you give it back.
Give it back? But it's mine.
That's what I said.
Just clean it
before you give it back, okay?
But I--you--you can't--
I don't--okay, okay, okay.
Um, look. Rhonda?
Maybe we need to set up
some ground rules here?
Ground rules? Oh, sure.
I hear ya.
Great! Okay, great.
Now, if we work together and just respect--
[gasps] Heads up. Booger alert.
Wait, what? Excuse me?
False alarm.
Achoo!
Oops. Did I mention I have a chronic sinus thing?
[laughs]
Ech!
That does it!
Listen up, sister! I'm--
How are you two roomies doing?
Great, great.
We're doing great.
See?
We are like sisters.
Oh, really?
You seem a mite worked up.
No, I'm good.
Who are you anyway?
As far as you're concerned, I am nobody.
Sheesh, does he always just barge in like that?
Talk about pushy.
[gasps]
My home!
It's ruined.
[insects buzzing]
And what's--ugh, ugh!
What's that smell?
[growls]
[sighs] Finally.
I'm exhausted.
Good night, Rhonda.
Night-night.
[farts loudly]
[sobs]
♪ Take me out to the ball game ♪
♪ Take me out to the-- ♪
Stop, stop! Please, please.
Please! You are driving--
Rhonda, it is clear
that we are very, um, different animals.
And that's great.
You know, I believe in my heart
that no matter how much distance there is between them,
two animals can--
Hey, rat-face, where's that hairbrush
you were supposed to give back to me?
It's mine! It's mine!
You cannot use my brush to scrub your disgusting--
Hold that thought; here comes another one.
Oh, no, no. Here.
At least cover your face with this.
Oh, no, no, the towel!
Don't use me! The towel, you--
[screams]
That was a close one. Thanks.
[gasps] Rat-face?
[sputtering]
Why? Why?
An intruder!
Kowalski, initiate the self-destruct.
I want you guys to get rid of Rhonda tonight.
Right now!
But you're like sisters.
I don't care if we're identical twins.
I want her gone... forever!
Cancel self-destruct.
Now, I know you're all worked up.
Maybe you should calm down
and think things through before you--
She used me as a tissue.
[all exclaim with disgust]
Talk to me, Simians.
Two shipping containers, both scheduled to leave--
Whichever one's going furthest, put her in it.
Just make sure it ships out of here tonight.
You hear me?
Kowalski, options.
[snoring]
We can't close the top, Skipper.
Hmm.
We may have to abort,
wait until tomorrow to--
Out of my way, soldier.
Hey, Rhonda, I got a song for ya.
♪ Take me out to the ball game ♪
♪ Take me out to-- ♪
[engine turns over]
Bye-bye, Rhonda.
Home, sweet--
- Marlene? - Ah!
You might want to take a look at this.
It's the shipping label on Rhonda's crate.
It's headed for Alaska.
Private, I don't care
if that crate is going to a polar bear reserve.
- I am done-- - But it is.
It is? It is what?
Going to a polar bear reserve.
But polar bears eat walruses, don't they?
Mm-hmm.
What have I done?
We need to stop that crate and bring Rhonda back.
But I thought you hated that spy.
For the last time, Rhonda is not a spy.
And yes, yes, I hate her, but I'll hate myself even more
if I let something bad happen to her.
Not on my watch.
There's the crate.
I'm on it, Skipper.
Marlene, wait.
I've got to save her.
[dramatic music]
[screams]
This is an ideal time to try out my invention.
- Will it help? - Couldn't hurt.
Yes, throw it to her.
Of course, I suppose it could hurt very much
in that I still don't know what it does.
[warbling]
Huh, so that's what this does.
[tires squealing]
[adventure music]
What the heck is this doing here?
Blah!
This crate's supposed to be going to...
the Hoboken Aquarium?
Whatever.
Well, at least she wasn't a spy.
Marlene, have you seen my invention?
Yeah, sure. It's right ov--
I mean, it was right--
- right--lying right-- - [both gasp]
[with English accent] Agent 12 calling Dr. Blowhorn.
I have a priority one coded alert.
Take me out to the ball game.
Repeat, take me out to the ball game.
Agent 12 out.
[detective music]
♪ ♪