[bell tolls]
[brassy detective music]
- Hit it. - ♪ Hey-oh, yah, hah ♪
- ♪ Oh, hey-oh ♪ - Yeah.
- ♪ Hey-oh ♪ - ♪ Yeah, oh-hey-oh ♪
[brassy detective music]
[camera shutter clicks]
Cute and cuddly, boys.
[dramatic orchestral music]
Kowalski, progress report.
Nearing completion on escape tunnel number 15, Skipper.
Isn't this a bit overly cautious?
Even better. It's full-blown paranoia.
No, I mean, we already have 14 escape tunnels.
Isn't that enough?
Manfredi and Johnson thought so.
What was left of them came home in a manila envelope.
From Manila, ironically.
There's no such thing as "too paranoid", Private.
Remember that.
And forget you ever heard it.
Um, I don't think that works the way you think it--
Eyes on the flippers.
- [clangs] - Wow!
Boing! Boing! Boing!
- Man down! - Rico.
[babbles]
His brain appears to be functioning at, uh,
hmm, let's call it normal capacity.
What happened?
I thought we mapped this tunnel.
I'm not sure.
This wall shouldn't be...
[gasps]
A vintage pass code lock.
Excellent work, Kowalski. But can you open it?
Well, it is state-of-the-art hyper encryption technology...
from 1963.
- [duck quacks] - [cow moos]
[horse neighs]
- [cranks] - [lock unlatches]
Nailed it!
Move in cautiously, men.
Rico, ominous background music.
[warbles eerily]
Rico!
All right, crackerjack, what's the code word?
[speaks gibberish]
Lucky guess, moonbeam.
That voice...
that steely gaze...
You sugar puffs just gonna stand there?
Spill your tater tots.
Where's the Red Squirrel?
The Red Squirrel.
Then you really are...
Special Agent Buck Rotgut.
The Buck Rotgut?
Um, is that-- is that someone famous, then?
Sweet ignorant Private,
Buck Rotgut is our greatest American penguin hero.
I've patterned my whole life after Rotgut.
The bird who brought down penguin enemy number one:
the Red Squirrel.
And may I say, it is an honor, sir.
86 the kiss-up, Fauntleroy.
Let's get to brass tacks.
I caught the Squirrel, all right,
but Big Red broke out,
disappeared in the underground.
So that's what I did too.
47 years I've been down in this bunker,
waiting for Red Squirrel to show his fluffy tail again.
47 years.
47 years?
47 years!
Don't you think the Red Squirrel
would have shown up by now?
Private.
College boy, huh?
You see that bunker door?
It only opens when the Red Squirrel returns.
Is it open now, dough boy?
- Yes. - Then Red is back.
And you four lollipops are gonna help me find him.
I get to work with Buck Rotgut.
- I know, right? - [giggles]
Okay, so the guy in the street,
he puts a little ball into one hat like this.
Then he mix, he mix it so fast
it's like you can't even see it.
Then stop, and now you can't tell
which is the ball hat, can you?
Oh.
Oh. Ah! Oh!
And now you give to me all of your money.
[giggles] I love this game.
You sure you playing this right?
[gasps]
Where's the Red Squirrel?
[gasps]
Pffft.
Bring him up.
All right, pigeon, sing for me.
Uh...
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Where the Red Squirrel is ♪
♪ But this one time ♪
♪ I found a piece of red licorice ♪
I don't understand, Skipper.
Why would Mort know anything about the Red Squirrel?
You got to think like Buck Rotgut, Private.
Put your paranoia cap on.
I don't think I have a paranoia cap, Skipper.
Well, there's your problem.
You don't know anything about the Red Squirrel, huh?
That bushy tail of yours tells me different.
Know who else has a bushy tail?
The Red Squirrel!
[all gasp]
Oh, it's true.
I do have a tail!
Sad eyes, a Squirrel spy?
[sighs] It's always the ones you least expect.
But--but--
Ah, there you are, Mort, you silly.
Come, I must show you my new street game.
Eh, who's the freak?
I confess to everything.
I took the last nut and nougat bar.
I cheat at whistling.
Pfft!
My father was not a talking water cycle.
This hardball stuff really works.
These snitches don't know anything.
They're just small potatoes.
He's right. I am secretly a potato.
No--oh--okay, no, that one was a lie.
I just wanted to get the ropes off.
- Eh! - Ow!
Oh! Uh!
These walls are nothing.
There's not been the prison built
that can hold King Julian.
[clinks]
Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're locking that?
[chuckles nervously] Never mind.
Am I the only one who thinks this is wrong?
Oh, it's very wrong, Private.
Who knew the Red Squirrel had so many agents
inside our own zoo?
I don't know what to believe anymore.
[bawls]
Dry those water works, egghead.
This roundup's just getting started.
You diaper dons ready to get your flippers dirty?
- Oh, absolutamente. - Yeah.
[whispering] not really.
Oh, all right!
Free peanuts.
You like peanuts, huh?
Know who else likes nuts?
The Red Squirrel!
[all gasp]
Oh, dear.
Hey.
Oof.
Huh? What in the what?
Ah!
You like pictures of red squirrels, huh?
You know who else likes red squirrels?
The Red Squirrel!
[all gasp]
[whimpers nervously]
Ah! Gah!
[thuds]
I say.
Read any good books lately, punks?
Red? Red?
The Red Squirrel!
[all gasp]
That one doesn't even make sense.
Oh!
But these are our friends.
They can't be Red Squirrel agents.
Can't they?
I think we can trust the instincts
of history's greatest penguin agent.
Squirrel, squirrel, squirrel, squirrel...
I'm sick of this guy. He's not the boss of me.
- They can't do this. - It's outrageous.
Okay, this Red Squirrel stuff has gone way too far.
But maybe we can stop it.
I don't much like our chances.
Those penguins are a wily bunch.
True, true, but I just happen to have
a secret inside source.
Now, for his own protection,
my source cannot reveal his identity.
Hello there, Private.
Oh. Um, the way I see it,
everything goes back to normal
if we just get rid of Buck Rotgut.
And how are we gonna do that?
That guy's not going anywhere until he catches
some kind of Red Squirrel.
Precisely, Maurice.
So you want me to pretend to be a squirrel?
You are a squirrel.
Yeah, but I never been a pretend one before.
- It'll be fine. - Ow.
[door opens]
Ooh, everyone, come quickly.
It's the Red Squirrel.
Sweet enemy of the state.
It's really him!
Hope you kept your dance card open, bushy tail,
'cause I'm gonna play a little chin music
and waltz you all the way back to the louse house.
Um, I'm gonna run away now.
After him, boys.
- [grunting] - Take him out.
Oh, mama.
Oh, okay, only 100 yards to the nearest tree.
[thuds]
Stupid eye patch.
Crazy face, hit me with the gift box.
[retches]
[grunting]
Ha.
[all cheer]
A-hi.
Good job, all of us.
[all grunting]
I'm sure they kept your cell warm, Red.
Heh-heh-heh.
[all laugh]
Touché.
So what's our next mission, Buck?
- [giggles] - That's it for me, boys.
I'm out of the game.
- Why? - No, sir.
Say it ain't so.
I was put on this earth for one reason
and one reason only.
And now it's sitting in the back of the--
wait a minute. Where's dough boy?
Private? He's right...
- Hmm. - Thanks a million, Fred.
No problem.
I always wanted to ride in a box.
You know, they got cardboard on the inside too.
Conspiracy!
- Ah! - Ah!
That squirrel was Fred.
Why would you make a phony Red Squirrel?
Why?
Because Special Agent Buck Rotgut
is completely mental.
[all gasp]
Your lies are burning my ear holes.
He's thrown all our friends into a detention cell.
And for what?
Because he thinks some enemy from 47 years ago
is still out there plotting against him?
Oh, I get it now.
The Red Squirrel hates penguins.
And you know who else hates penguins?
The Red Squirrel--
The Red Squirrel!
[all gasp]
What? He's--he's--
Okay, he's talking nonsense.
I don't know, Private.
You did get caught Red-Squirrel-handed.
A clever game, I'll give him that--
planting a decoy to cover up your penguin plastic surgery.
Nice move,
Red Squirrel!
[both gasp]
[gasps] Wait.
You think Private is the Red Squirrel?
Uh, that's not really, uh... possible.
That sounds like squirrel talk.
Maybe I got the right idea, wrong penguin suit, huh?
Who? Kowalski?
He's been helping us catch the Red Squirrel.
Inside man.
Your smarter than I thought, Red.
But I know how to make you smart guys talk.
You ever had a six-pound halibut shoved up your left nostril?
Not the left one, no.
I did try to tell you.
Rico, ring-a-ding special, ASAP.
[retches]
[phone rings]
Yes. You don't say?
Well, thanks, Chief. That was HQ.
They said you've been tracking another decoy this whole time.
The real Red Squirrel is hiding out in
Grr-burr-jiggle-stan.
You tuna-fed thumb suckers better sit this one out.
Griffajigglestan is no place for amateurs.
I'm coming for you, squirrel!
Clear. [grunting]
Well, maybe we left our paranoia caps on
a little too long.
Oh, I do feel bad for the old guy.
He's wasted decades chasing an enemy
that probably doesn't even exist.
Red Squirrel's log.
Special Agent Rotgut has been dispos-ed of.
Time to get to work.
[cackles]
[clangs]
Stupid eye patch.
[dramatic orchestral music]
Okay, Kowalski, wow me.
Behold a portal to times past:
the Chronotron!
So it's a time machine?
Well, yes.
So why not call it a time machine?
Yeah, okay. And while we're at it,
let's just call The Great Wall a fence,
Mona Lisa a doodle,
and Albert Einstein Mr. Smarty Pants.
Oh, Skipper, I don't think you're seeing
the big picture here.
With the Chronotron,
we'll be able to visit any period in history.
Outstanding.
Finally those hippies can be stopped.
Come on, Rico.
[grunts "hippies"]
Hold on, Skipper.
The Chronotron needs just one more thing
before it's fully functional:
five ounces of Macguffium 239.
Fortunately I know where to find some right here in midtown.
[sirens blaring]
Oof.
The Macguffium is somewhere in this lab.
Spread out, men.
Hello? Macguffium?
[thunder crashes]
Ah!
Private, you have got to stop me!
Um, okay.
Kowalski, stop, please.
No, not me me.
That me.
Hmm, nope.
[bangs]
Ah--nope.
[explosion]
Ooh--no.
[explosion]
There's two of you?
Private, I have come from the future.
[stifles laugh]
Heh-heh.
There's two of you.
- [explosion] - That's a smashing trick.
How did you do it, mirrors?
Or is that Rico in a Kowalski costume?
Private, can you think of even one time
I have played a trick or even told a joke?
[gasps] You really are from the future.
Tell me, am I living in a cottage in Nova Scotia,
happily married with one egg and another on the way?
- Eh, no. - Oh.
But we have more pressing concerns.
If my past self completes the Chronotron,
it will lead to nothing but disaster and chaos.
So go tell yourself.
You're sure to listen to you.
All right--no!
If I meet my present self,
the space-time continuum would be ripped asunder
by a chronal vortex.
Oh, dear.
Ah-ha.
Here it is.
Five ounces of Macguffium 239.
You've got to get that Macguffium, Private,
or the entire universe will be destroyed.
The entire universe?
Yes! No pressure.
Ah, think of all the famous historical figures
we'll be able to meet.
Yeah, like, uh, uh...
well, actually, I--I just want to slap a hippie or two,
maybe make 'em get jobs.
Oh!
How about you, Private?
Private?
History will unfold before our very eyes.
We'll watch primordial ooze form,
witness dinosaurs battle for survival...
Ow.
Stupid flying glowy bottle.
Behold primitive penguins rise
as the dominant species.
Doh.
And it's all thanks to this Macguffium 239.
Could I hold it for a moment?
All right.
Just be care--gah.
[gasps]
Whoops, I spilled it.
Oh, no.
Oh, dear, now I seem to be accidentally trodding upon it.
My--my--my-- my Macguffium,
ruined.
Oh, gee, Kowalski, I'm sorry.
I guess no time traveling for us.
Well, good thing I grabbed a back-up.
Always prepare, baby.
Ah-ha. Good show.
It'll take a few minutes to install the Macguffium.
Wake me when it's time travel time.
Roger that.
Um, excuse me.
I have to do a thing over there, so...
- [splashes] - What do you mean,
you didn't destroy the Macguffium?
I'm sorry, Future Kowalski.
Well, then the universe is doomed!
If only you could explain this to yourself
without destroying the space-time condominium.
Continuum.
Right.
Maybe I can.
[grunting]
- Wrench? - [retches]
- Pliers. - [retches]
Six quarts of 30 weight oil.
[retches]
Ooh!
Hello, boys.
Hello, Private.
What's with the box?
Shoes. Why?
What's so suspicious about a penguin and his shoe box?
Nothing, except we don't wear shoes.
Hmm, yes, quite true.
Oh, that reminds me, Kowalski.
Have you considered the dangers of a chronopath pair of ducks?
[whispers from inside box]
I mean, a chronopath paradox?
Which has nothing to do with water fowl, apparently.
Chronopath paradox?
Wait.
Are you saying that the Chronotron
could cause a time-spatial distortion?
Don't know. Am I?
- [whispers from inside box] - Uh, yes, I think I am.
Einstein's undies!
I didn't think of that at all.
It could spell the end of the universe.
So I'm told.
[sonic boom]
Skipper, you've got to stop me!
Ow!
There, you're stopped.
No, not me me.
That me.
I must destroy the Chronotron.
There's two of you?
You're from the future.
Tell me, does the earth become a post-apocalyptic wasteland,
terrorized by roving bands of irradiated mutants?
- Eh, no. - Oh.
But we have more pressing concerns.
Another future me has come to this time
to convince the present me to destroy my Chronotron,
which I've only just learned is key
to the survival of the universe.
Time travel.
All you want is to slap a hippie,
but all you get is multiple Kowalskis.
Not to worry, Skipper.
I know just what to do.
And so dies the dream of time travel.
[whimpering]
You do it, Rico.
You destroy all my hopes, dreams,
and everything I ever lived for.
- Okay. - Oh, hey there, boys.
Uh, what's going on?
Skipper, what's in this sack?
Laundry. Why?
What's wrong with a penguin and his sack of laundry?
Well, nothing, except we don't wear clothes.
Well, yeah, 'cause they're dirty.
Can we please just get on with crushing my dreams?
Hey, speaking of,
Kowalski, have you considered the, uh, uh...
[whispering from inside bag]
Right, right, the reverse chronology dilation backlash.
Brahe's boxers, I didn't think of that either.
Maybe the Chronotron is safe after all.
[whispering from inside box]
But--but the quantum entanglements
disrupt any chrono backlash.
Good golly, I suppose that's true.
[whispers from inside bag]
Yet the quantum entanglements dissipate
in the presence of some photonic gobbledygook thing.
[Private and Skipper both talking at once]
[grunts questioningly]
Private, Kowalski's making his time machine,
and that's final.
Skipper, please forgive me for this.
Ah!
[grunting]
Ah, Private, drop that Macguffium.
[muffled groaning]
Ah!
Ooh!
- Ooh! - Sorry, Skipper.
Hey.
Ah!
[both grunting]
Oh, look at them, Maurice.
Why can't we play affectionately like that?
Private, listen, I have a Kowalski from the future who--
What, you have a Future Kowalski?
I have a Future Kowalski.
And mine says the Chronotron must be destroyed.
Well, mine says it must be saved.
Oh, dear.
Which Future Kowalski do we listen to?
I say the one that lets me slap a hippie.
I got it, Kowalski.
Now fire up that time machine.
[gasping]
I can't let you do that, Skipper.
And I can't let you do that.
[gasps] Two Kowalskis.
It's the end of the universe.
Pff, don't get your feathers in a bunch, Private.
So long as the Present Kowalski doesn't see us,
we should all be--
[clangs]
Ah.
Whoa.
- [slaps] - Who?
[gasps] Newton's knickers.
- Uh-oh. - Uh-oh.
What a--I mean-- are--are you--
I mean, mes from the future?
- Precisely. - Precisely.
Wow, we are really good-looking.
- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.
But the three of us in one place,
the danger, it'll shred time-space.
It could create a rip in the very fabric of the universe!
- Like that? - Like that?
Ah!
[whooshing]
- The winkys! - [clock ticking]
Ah!
No!
Eh!
Ah!
I never should have created this Chronotron.
I had no idea.
But Private did.
He understands.
I'll go back in time and talk to Private.
He'll stop me before any of this happens.
Ah!
Yep, and that's how I got here.
Huh, it's kind of ironic.
If you hadn't created the Chronotron,
then you couldn't go back in time
to tell yourself not to make it.
Fenneman's fellies, a paradox.
I've got to make sure that I do invent the Chronotron.
Skipper.
I'll go back in time and talk to Skipper.
He's the only hope for the universe.
Ah!
Yep, and that's how I got here.
So we're back to just one Kowalski?
- Affirmative. - Then give me some options.
How do we stop this thing?
We can't.
It'll just get bigger and bigger and...
then it'll stop for a while.
Whew.
[electrical zapping]
But then it'll get bigger still!
Eventually it will swallow the whole universe!
[cell phone ringing]
[groaning]
[electrical zapping]
[grunts]
Rico, you did it.
Well done.
But--but that-- that shouldn't have worked.
It--it breaks all known rules of the universe.
And that's why we call Rico a maverick.
He makes his own rules.
- Yeah. - But--but--but the...
- the universe. - Problem solved.
Now, go invent something that won't destroy the world.
Like a snow cone machine.
Snow cone.
Snow cones.
[wind whistling]
Kowalski.
You maniac!
You did it.
You finally really did it.
Yeah.
But you got to admit,
these are good snow cones.
Oh, sure, totally worth it.
[brassy detective music]