[bell tolls]
[brassy detective music]
♪ ♪
Hit it. ♪ Hey-oh, yah, hah ♪
- ♪ Oh, hey-oh ♪ - Yeah.
♪ Hey-oh, yeah, oh-hey-oh ♪
[brassy detective music]
♪ ♪
[camera shutter clicks]
Cute and cuddly, boys.
[upbeat guitar music]
♪ ♪
[retching and groaning]
Good heavens, Alice.
What are you feeding those penguins?
Ten fish a day.
What? They're fine.
[penguins groaning]
Look at them. They are wasting away.
I want their feed up to 50 fish a day each.
Each? That's not in the budget.
Well, I'm lunching with the mayor
right after this inspection.
I'll get that fish money if it's the last thing I do.
Those poor penguins deserve it.
But, commissioner...
[all exhale]
Well played, men, especially you, Rico.
That death rattle really clinched it.
Aw, shucks.
- Commissioner... - Save it, Alice.
I want those penguins cute and cuddly,
not skinny and sickly.
Whew, there's a bit of a bluster.
Whoa.
Whoa what?
Oh, just...
it's important that we don't...
lose our tops over this.
Too late, Alice.
This top is already lost.
Yeah, I see that.
What I'm saying is, you don't want to...
- sweep it under the rug, eh? - Sorry, Alice.
The thought of those penguins suffering,
well, it just makes my hair stand on end.
Good luck with that.
Uh, Maurice, I don't want to rush you
in the pre-squishing of my sticky fruit, but...
come on, man!
I'm wasting away to nothingness over here!
I'm squishing, I'm squishing.
Hairy flying hairpiece!
Bah! Eeeh!
Maurice, quickly, beat the creature senseless
before it causes me to heave my royal cookies.
You want me to beat up a toupee?
Wait, that's French for "hairy creature?"
Then, yes, this toupee is "to pay"
for giving me the stomach queasies.
Beat it! Beat it!
Beat it!
Eh, all right.
Oh, no, no, you don't. - Yes!
Go, Maurice,
with your sizeable booty.
Maurice? Are you... eh...
how can I put this? Agh!
The hair creature is eating Maurice's brain!
I'll protect the royal feet.
What?
Oh. [laughs]
No, the toupee just landed on my head is all.
Look.
Huh, the sticky fruit must have--ugh!
Stuck it to my head.
[grunting]
Mort, though Maurice's booty is XL,
his brain is a child's small.
- Really? - Oh, yes.
He believes clouds are made of--get this--
water vapor.
And not cotton candy?
I know. Ridiculous, right, right?
Right?
Anyway, his tiny brain
won't satisfy the hair beast's brain hunger for long.
I'm telling you, it's not a beast.
Yeah? That's just what you want us to believe,
hairy hair monster!
Help me to beat the monster viciously
before it turns on us.
Oh, can we use sticks?
What are you talking about?
Of course we can use sticks.
Hi-ya!
[both shouting]
Let's hear it again, Rico.
♪ Fiiiiiiiish ♪
Ah, music to my ear holes.
Skipper, does something look strange about the commissioner?
You may be right, Private.
There is something different.
He's lost weight, looks good.
Also, his overall appearance is 11% shinier than usual.
Hey! [mumbling indistinctly]
Rico's right.
The commissioner... is bald.
Without his commanding head of hair,
he just doesn't seem as authoritative.
His AWOL mop-top could kibosh the whole fish deal.
We've got to recover the commissioner's wig ASAP.
Roll out.
Wallop, Mort.
Wallop like you've never walloped before.
Ow! Hey! Knock it off! Ha!
[screaming]
Oh, brain or no brain,
- that had to hurt. - Look!
Leave me alone, you crazies!
Agh!
Aha, now, Mort,
we shall give this hairy hair beast
the pummeling of a lifetime.
You do, and I'll beat you like a big bass drum.
Us baboons protect our own.
- Say what? - What now?
Got that right, girlfriend.
'Bout time the zoo dropped a man in this habitat.
Eh, you baboons are mistaken.
Maurice is a lemur.
Well, ain't you a hard case.
Of course he's a baboon.
Look at his tail.
His bright red butt cheeks.
And this luxurious head of hair.
I just want to run my fingers.
I'm a baboon!
Maurice, be stopping this tomfoolery
and let us get back
to clubbing you without the mercies.
Aw, are those two lemurs giving you trouble, baby face?
Well, uh... now that you mention it.
- It's okay, sweetie. - Just leave 'em to us.
Ah!
[giggling]
[both shouting]
Oh, mango.
[both shouting]
- Oy, mate! - Empty your pocket, marsupial.
Cough up the commissioner's hairpiece.
Why would anybody
wear a wallaby like that on their bean anyway?
He's not fooling no one.
I didn't do nothing, I didn't see nothing.
This speech has not been rehearsed.
I didn't do nothing, I didn't see nothing,
and this speech has not been rehearse-ed.
Now, sooner or later, one of you is gonna talk.
Blaaaaaaaagh!
Okay, I didn't understand that.
But don't leave town.
How's that feel, darling?
I could use a little more thumb work on the heel.
You got it, puddin' pie.
This is not good, Mort.
Yes, the brain-eating hair monster
is still eating Maurice's brain.
Oh, who cares about the brain-eating hair monster?
Why are you still talking about the brain-eating hair monster?
You're all like, "blah blah blah,
the brain-eating hair monster!"
I'm done with the brain-eating hair monster!
You see, the real problem is that Maurice
is getting foot-pampering, but I am not.
Oh, I see.
- Eh, you want me to-- - Ah, no, Mort.
The king has a better, less skin-crawly plan.
This is nice.
Least you deserve after the way
them ornery lemurs treated you.
- Yoo-hoo! - Huh?
Delusional baboon female ladies...
behold... truly awe-inspiring booty,
one that all other booties must be exceedingly jealous of.
What in gibbon's grave is that?
Looks like one of those stuck-on, stupid lemurs
is trying to pass himself off as a baboon.
- I'm the hair. - Stifle.
Isn't there some kind of, I don't know,
punishment for that?
Not yet.
But there's gonna be.
[smacking and shouting]
Now, be thorough, men.
Ask yourselves, "If I were a man's hair accessory,
where would I hide?"
Ugh...
What's happened to you two?
It looks like you've been run over by a cargo train,
propped back up, then run over by a second,
larger cargo train.
That sounds like a day at the beaches
after the baboon lady violence.
I was a brain-eating hair monster.
- Hair monster? - Yeah, long story.
Well, let's hear it,
and give us all the hairy details.
Now, just where do you think you're going?
We're here for the hair, toots.
Now, Maurice, you know you're not authorized
to wear the commissioner's skull warmer.
You want us to show them the exit, sweet cheeks?
It's almost time for your mani-pedi.
Uh, just give us a minute, will you?
Look, you take my hair, I lose all of this,
the peeled fruit, the toe massages,
the whole gig, man!
I hear your plight, my friend.
I sympathize. I surely do.
But I want my 50 fish.
Rico, flip and rip.
Aaaaah!
Evac!
Alice, great inspection.
Not a hair out of place,
except, of course, for the penguin issues.
Mr. Commissioner, before you go,
I need to tell you something.
Well, make it fast.
If lunch isn't on the table at 12:00 sharp,
the mayor flips his wig.
Kowalski, how much time do we have?
Factoring in all the various factors and variables,
I would guess 55 seconds,
give or take 5 seconds,
and after that needlessly wordy guestimate,
I'd say... take.
We'll never make it.
Men, initiate operation throw rug.
Well, you see...
how to say this without crushing your ego...
Don't split hairs, Alice.
Just come out and say it.
Drop this over the target.
Okay, but how am I supposed to get there?
This line's an uphill climb.
- [chuckles] - Oh, dear.
[screams]
Oh, heck, I'm just--
I'm just gonna come right out and say it.
Mr. Commissioner...
you... have a yummy lunch!
Why, thank you, Alice.
Boy, she wigs out easily.
Heh...
Job well done, men.
On my signal,
a well-deserved collective sigh.
[all sigh]
Ooh!
Look on the brighty side, Maurice.
Now you can go back to serving me.
Ah, the violence-prone baboon ladies!
Oh, relax. We decided
that it's not important how red your behind is
or how high your hair is.
It's what's on the inside that counts.
Finally.
Now, take note.
I would prefer my toes to be rubbed
in sort of a circular, rolling motion.
No, we don't want you.
We want him.
Come here, you adorable thing.
Wee-hee-hee!
[plucky music]
♪ ♪
And another few feet and here!
We are now directly below the Danish Embassy.
We tunnel up, swipe my files,
and set the Danes back a cool decade
in counter-intelligence.
Rico, do the honors.
[mechanical whirring and humming]
[explosion]
- Skipper. - I see it, Private.
Kowalski, why is there no Danish Embassy
in the Danish Embassy?
I don't want to leap to hasty conclusions,
but it's possible I may have misread this map.
Yeah, "may."
[whispers] Alice incoming. Bug out, boys.
I think we should wait until all the facts are in.
Why do these things keep happening?
Oh, well. Better call Gus.
And... there. Smooth as Siberian snow.
Great work, Gus.
Ooh, new water fountain?
You always go that extra mile.
Alice, there is only one way to do job.
[together] The right way.
Yeah, you've mentioned that a time or two.
Ooh, city water.
Refreshing.
Ugh! [sighs]
Ugh! Oh!
Oh! Ooh!
[grunting]
[straining]
An ostrich with its head in the ground?
Cliche much?
[muffled] Help!
[gasps]
Whoa, whoa, wait. For real?
I'll get help. All right, stay here.
Not that you have a choice.
You know, I mean, you know...
okay, I--good, I'm going.
An ostrich with its head in the ground?
- Cliche much? - I know, right?
Okay, Shelly, the penguins can fix this.
Do not panic.
Hello.
Mm, here, here,
and here, here, here, and...
'scuse me--here.
I take it back. Panic!
[muffled] Help! Help!
Skipper, he's gonna blow her to bits.
No, Marlene, but he will blow your mind.
Rico's anartiste with explosives.
- Rock and roll. - No!
[coughing]
[dreamy heroic music]
♪ ♪
See?
Free advice, fellow flightless bird,
watch where you stick that noggin.
Slide out, boys.
Wow, that Douglas is quite a man.
Douglas? You mean Rico?
Rico! Oh, Rico, Rico!
Why did you think his name was Douglas?
- No--I didn't--you're the-- - Oh, you're right, Marlene.
There's no chance a dashing, brave,
and regurgitating penguin like Rico
would ever go for a gawky, gangly girl like me.
- Say what? - I said--
No, no, okay, I heard you.
I just--you like Rico?
Well, yeah.
You know what?
I can kind of see it.
Listen, all you need to do is find an appropriate way
to tell Rico how you feel.
Appropriate? Oh, I can do that.
- [wet chewing] - Is that... chewing gum?
♪ Oh, I'm a freak-o for Rico ♪
♪ I'll give him a kiss on the cheek-o ♪
♪ Then I'll do the silly dance ♪
♪ For our flightless bird romance ♪
♪ Oh, I'm a freak-o for Rico ♪
Second verse! [penguins gasp]
♪ I chewed some gum in my beak-o ♪
- ♪ To make a sculpture of Rico ♪ - Ugh.
♪ Gotta give my money jay ♪
♪ Until the month of May ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a freak-o for Rico ♪
Uh... Rico? Hello?
W-w-wow.
Well, this is, um...
Awkward, Private. It's awkward.
There's no other word for it.
Awk-ward.
[groans]
Why did you do it, Marlene?
Why did you fill that daffy bird's head
with the absurd notion that she and Rico could be an item?
Now, what makes you think it was me?
Plus, they would make a very cute couple. Come on.
No chance!
Rico's heart belongs to another.
Wait, the plastic doll?
[chuckles] Skipper, that's crazy.
Marlene, we're talking about Rico.
Crazy is just the top layer of that parfait.
Doll?
[humming]
[vocalizes]
It's true.
He loves... a doll,
which is totally insane,
because he should love me!
[muttering]
[screams]
My little dolly! [shouting indistinctly]
She must be here somewhere.
Science tells us inanimate dolls
don't just get up and walk away.
Unless they've been possessed
by some sort of voodoo zombie curse.
Oh, no!
What? This stuff happens.
Big ugly world out there.
Yeah, or maybe someone stole it.
Until we find your dolly,
you can cuddle with my unicorn.
[toy squeaks]
Look, Rico and I are meant to be together.
You understand.
Okay, yeah, you're right.
I don't have your blond hair,
short neck, and perky smile,
but you know what I do have?
Funny jokes.
Knock-knock.
You say, "who's there?"
Any time.
Well, fine,
miss high-and-manufactured- out-of-shiny-plastic!
Goodbye!
I--I just can't do it. It's just wrong!
Always recycle.
Ah!
[muttering anxiously]
Oh, hey, Rico. What's up? Lost your girl doll?
Now you're looking for her? Here, let me help.
Nope, not in there. [chuckles]
So she'll probably never, ever come back, but, hey,
if you're in the market for a rebound relationship,
I know a certain somebody who can help you out.
Hint: it's me.
Eeh... heh.
Um...
oh, where are you?
[shouting indistinctly]
- Aw, why, why, baby? - Rico!
How amazing is it that I totally just ran into you
and wasn't at all watching your every--ugh!
[muttering anxiously]
- Hey! - Wow.
I seem to have inadvertently
trapped you in a cage for which I have no key.
Ah, well.
Perfect opportunity to get to know each other, so...
I like petunias, soft rain,
and caged animal fury.
[breathing heavily]
What do you like, Rico?
[Coughs]
Hey! How's it going?
Sorry about that earlier attitude.
I apologize.
In fact, I'd like to be friends.
What do you think of that?
Oh, great!
So, Rico, he's so focused.
Any tips on getting his attention?
What, you think he's focused on you?
Ha! Ha-ha!
That is totally...
true.
Guys, you've already searched here, six times.
[shouting indistinctly]
Rico, look, I know how much you care for your doll,
but she's, well--
I'm just gonna come out and say it.
She's a toy.
- Oh! No, you-- - Sh-sh-shh!
Why you--
Shelly, on the other hand, is a real girl.
Rico, she can walk, she can talk, and...
okay, granted, a few weird notions about courtship,
but let's be honest here, weird's your thing.
Ooh, that's true.
She really likes you, Rico.
Isn't a real girl better than plastic Miss Perky?
Rico, I took your doll and I threw her in the trash.
But then I moved her to the recycling,
'cause I am going green,
but it didn't matter anyway because you like her better
than you like me, and I see that now!
Okay, I retract everything I just said.
Huh! I would have bet
Private's community college fund
on a voodoo zombie curse.
Yeah, so, in hindsight,
I probably should have taken the doll out of the dumpster
before I came to you.
[screams in horror]
[dramatic music]
Look, the truck! [engine rumbles]
[screams]
[all panting]
It's no use. Can't keep up.
Should've hit the gym more often.
[groans]
The land speed of an ostrich is 50 miles an hour.
On my back!
[jackhammer whirring]
[all shout]
Whoo!
Oof!
[tires squealing]
[horns honking]
[mutters]
Ah!
[straining]
I can't watch.
Me either! Agh!
[all shout]
Oh, baby.
[humming a tune]
[sighs]
Oh!
[indistinct speech]
[laughing]
[indistinct speech]
Oh, my gosh!
I can't believe how handsome you look.
[muttering angrily]
Really, you just get more adorable with every glance.
Um...
Oh, hey, Rico.
Have you met my new boy toy?
His name is Crusher, which is appropriate,
because I am doing more than a little crushing on him.
[smooching]
Cuckoo, cuckoo!
Hey, you gonna eat that?
[brassy detective music]
♪ ♪