♪ Zara Halke Gaadi Hanko by Prahlad Singh Tipaniya ♪
Ladies and gentlemen
Please start clapping
and make some noise for the man, the myth, the legend
Zakir Khan!
[crowd cheering]
Love you, Zakir Bhai!
[crowd cheering]
Thank you very much. Thanks a lot.
And lots of love to you guys.
[Audience Member] Should I come?
Since when have you guys started teasing me?
No problem, no problem.
Boys' friendship is often unique.
You have a very toxic relationship with your friends.
You have to live with them, but you don't even like them.
These idiots spoil your mood,
but you cannot manage without them.
What to do and where to go?
The worst friend in our group, among the childhood friends, is the one
who gets a job first.
How many of you are in your first job?
Y'all should try out what I'm telling you.
Your life purpose would be fulfilled.
Quit it.
Another magical part of quitting your job is the notice period.
When you have to go to your office everyday for a month
after your resignation…
and that too for not doing anything.
It's uniquely magical.
Going everyday among those pigs…
No one is telling you any work; you don't want to do any work
The one giving you work Is himself not that confident.
My boss was a very toxic person.
He would open his office door And give orders randomly.
"You haven't made the PPT yet?"
I am from a joint family, so I would think he's asking me. [Tathastu reference]
This man had made my life a living hell.
On a Saturday night, at 2 am,
he called and I was like, "Hello."
He says, "Zakir, I asked you for a list of the interns. Why haven't you sent it?
I said, "Sir, I'll WhatsApp them to you. There are just four names."
He goes, "Process is a process is a process, Zakir."
I was like, "Why stop at three? Keep going on."
He goes, "Why didn't you send it?"
I said, "Sorry, sir, it slipped out of my mind."
"What do you mean it slipped out of your mind?"
I said, "Sir, I forgot."
He said, "How can you forget?"
I said, "Sir, because it slipped out of my mind."
"How did it slip?" And I was like, "What the…?"
I was like should I record my voice and send it to him?
I don't think you need my voice, sir.
Keep playing it in loop, the whole day and the whole night.
This is what I feel about this job now.
Whereas when I had landed the job, I had struggled a lot a lot for it,
I felt if I got this job, my life purpose would by fulfilled.
Often when you haven't found something…
The same is true about relationships.
[Singing] If I have you in my life…
Has anyone left their world behind?
Well, you have to live in this world and continue living.
It is an ocean of everlasting sorrow.
There is no fun without it.
When you are in college you feel this world is so bright.
You are like once I finish my college, I'll get a job,
and then my life would be set.
Really?
So, is it set now?
It doesn't seem like your life is set.
Life always remains un-set.
I went away to Delhi.
I went to Delhi, I didn't get a job in 2008 or 2009,
or even in 2010. Then came 2011.
I had lied at home about having a job.
Although they have an idea that I don't.
Because when you go back home, you stay there for 15+ days.
Your family members notice it but even they don't say anything.
I used to write SMS Shayaris (couplets).
Any work you do, however menial, always helps you in your life.
The SMS Shayaris I used to write, became Farzi Mushaira later on.
And the other thing I used to write, though I am not proud of it,
was hot stories…
For a mobile service.
Now, since it's a mobile service, they could not be too hot.
So, they used to be semi-hot.
"He was waiting for me on the terrace.
And with every step, I was getting closer and closer to him.
I was a little short of breath. I slowly opened the terrace door.
He looked into my eyes…"
I couldn't breathe for a moment.
He suddenly grabbed my hand.
My breath…
was getting shorter with every passing moment.
He looked at my eyes…"
I have earned money from many poor people.
I have a lot of poor people's money.
Well…
No work is big or small.
Work itself makes a person big or small.
I used to get its money in 90 days.
Sometimes I wouldn't even get it.
I was like I don't have any money left.
Let's go home. Mom-dad would…
The best thing about parents
is they may taunt you, they may be toxic, but at least they feed you.
We should appreciate them for this.
Okay, so what that they taunt you
and be like, "Oh, God, this boy has ruined us.
He spoiled our reputation.
Eat your food!" I'm like, "Let the food keep coming.
Oh, my master, please keep giving me food."
I have a childhood friend named Kuntal. You might know him from Mannpasand.
One thing about Kuntal that I forgot to mention in Mannpasand
is that his Chalebility is very high.
And in friendship, you should see the ‘Chalebility’ of that person.
Friends, ‘Chalebility’ is when you say to a person,
"Hey! Let's go."
Upon sitting in the car after how much time does he ask,
"By the way, where are we going, bro?"
Kuntal's ‘Chalebility’ is infinite.
I went to Indore and Kuntal came to meet me.
He was working somewhere in Bangalore.
So we were talking, when my father came, scolded us and went away.
All was well when I got a call.
I picked up the phone and said, "Yes?"
They asked, "Is it Zakir Khan?" I said, "Yes."
They said, "I'm calling from Delhi. You have an interview tomorrow at 1 pm."
I: "I'm at Indore." They: "So? The interview is tomorrow."
The interviewers think we are in Roadies.
Why are you giving me a task, bro?
I'm just asking you for a job.
I will work for you. That's what you will pay me for, right?
I said, "Okay, I'll be there."
I wanted money to go, so I told my father,
that I've to go for the interview, and he was like, "Please.
Don't trouble me. I'm already fed up of you."
Then he fired away 10-15 taunts like,
"Damn this boy.
He ruined the reputation of our family."
I was like, "Can you say something new?"
"If you cannot support your father, at least don't be a burden on him."
I was like, "Yada, yada, yada."
For us boys, our mothers are our ATMs.
So, I just emotionally blackmailed her, cried a little,
and out of the rice box, came out 500 rupees.
She gave me the money and I borrowed 700 rupees from Kuntal.
I said to Kuntal, "Quickly drop me at the railway station.
I have to go to Delhi.
Take your bike and drop me."
He says, "There's no petrol in my bike."
I said, "You came to my house.
So, you would have gone back too, right?
What was your plan?"
He goes, "I thought we will put a pipe in your dad's bike and do…
I said, "If I don't get this job, it will be because of you."
He's like, "Please, don't say that."
We tried stopping a rickshaw, he didn't stop, the second one didn't either.
The third one stopped, I got in but Kuntal was lying down in front of it.
The rickshaw guy got down, picked him up and said, "Sir, I have stopped."
He's talking nicely and Kuntal goes, "All these rickshaw guys are rascals.
They don't know that The city is not safe because of them."
He was unnecessarily cussing the rickshaw guy.
I said “He is ready to drop us,”
He goes, "How long have you been driving the rickshaw?"
He says, "Sir, for the past 20 years."
He says, "You started driving as a baby?"
He was a 48 to 50 years old man. His eyebags were sagging to his knees.
Life has happened to him.
Kuntal: "What's your age?" He: "Care to guess?"
Kuntal says, "Maybe 22 or 23?"
He says, "Sir, you won't believe, I am 48 years old."
This rascal denies it.
He's like, "What are you saying? Really?
Your skin doesn't reveal your real age."
Kuntal asked the rickshawala his skin care routine
He started telling it too.
He says, "You should eat seasonal fruits.
Go for a morning walk."
Kuntal disagrees there too,
"Sir, I cannot wake up early. Tell me something else."
He says, "No, it's a must.
You have to wake up early.
Come what may."
Kuntal and I have a theory that men are emotionless.
You can tell them any serious thing and they answer in a very flat tone.
"The entire family had gone to Vaishno Devi.
Their bus met with an accident and fell in the valley.
And all 70 people including my family died.
But what can we do. It's life, it goes on."
You ask the same person if they remember Riya from their 9th grade.
He will dance and say, "Riya!!"
Guys get excited when it comes to girls.
"Girls must be dying for you.
You are hiding it from us."
Nothing like that happened to him, so he says, "No, nothing like that."
Kuntal, "Come on, tell us."
Kuntal pressurised him so much that he started telling a story.
And it was a freshly cooked story,
So you can add to it.
Add whatever you want to.
"It was long time back, sir…"
"It must be a couple of years ago?"
"Yeah, it was two years ago."
"There was a girl…" "She must be quite rich."
"Yeah, she was rich." "She must be living in bungalow."
"Yes, it was two years ago. There was girl who used to live in a bungalow."
I said to Kuntal, “Continue the story bro,
You stopped prompting, so he stopped too.”
Uncle had a lot of fun.
He enjoyed it.
He's like, "Where are you going?"
Kuntal says, "He is going to Delhi.
To become radio jockey. He wants to be a radio jockey."
The rickshaw guy says, "He? I thought he was mute."
I taught him to speak.
I gave Kuntal a voice.
Idiot.
He says, "Sir, you don't talk to people in real life,
how would you talk on the radio?"
I was like, "Hey, please don't say that, bro."
He said, "Are you going to Delhi?" I said, "Yes."
He asked, "Indore-Nizamuddin Intercity Express?"
I said, "Yes." He says, "You must not have booked the ticket."
I said of course, I haven't.
I got call at the last minute.
He says, "Looking at your face, it’s obvious that you don’t plan things."
I was like, "Tell me what I should do."
He said, "Buy a general class ticket.
Buy a general compartment ticket and sit in sleeper coach number 7."
I said, "That would be the wrong class, right?”
General coach is different, sleeper coach is different.
He said, "Sir, you will be fined Rs. 150.
If you sit in the general coach, your body will absorb the scent of the laborers.
It won’t go, Even after three days of bathing."
I thought he is right.
He says, "In the sleeper coach, even if you have to sit on the floor,
at least you will have space to sit.
And the 7 number coach becomes vacant at Kota.
From 11 pm to 7 am, you will get a nice sleep.
Give the interview with a fresh mind."
My father told me one thing.
He once told me,
If you talk politely to someone, They will give you something useful in return.
Uncle was very happy.
Kuntal and I got down at the railway station.
Just then we met a man.
He asked, "Sir, do you want a credit card?" I said, "Yes please."
If you can afford, please give me.
He asks, "Where do you work?" I said, "I'll start job from tomorrow."
He says, "Then come tomorrow."
I said I don't want one.
We asked him a few questions
and he ran away thinking, "These guys seem idiots."
I bought a general compartment ticket.
The general compartment was right in front of me.
I ignored that and crossed S1, S2, S3, S4, S5, S6 and reached S7.
I stepped inside and there was no place to even set a foot.
I was like you shouldn't take everyone's advice.
Crossing people over, I reached the next coach.
I kept my bag on the last seat of the next coach.
Then I started talking to the guy sitting at the door.
I thought I should be a little extroverted
and practice talking to people in view of my interview.
Conversation is an art.
And you have to be in practice to be an artist.
Right?
I sat near him and said, "It's quite windy."
If not at the door, where will it be windy?
I said, "Bro, what are you thinking?"
He says, "How did you know that I’m thinking something?"
Sweet boy.
Fell for the trap…
I said, "I thought as you're an engineer,
you're smart, you must be thinking something nice.”
He says, "How did you know I'm an engineer?"
I said, "Well, dear…
In India, five out of four boys are engineers.
Then he told me he is in his third year, blah, blah, blah.
After going around for a while, I came on the main topic.
I said, "Do you have a girlfriend?"
That rascal released such a cold sigh
that the temperature of the whole train dropped.
He said, "I had one.
She left me."
You know, I am quite a pro-gossiper.
I don't have a sister either.
And I am full blown involved in gossip.
In this sleeper coach of the train
on the upper berth, there is a mesh between two blocks.
Suppose I'm sitting in the upper berth
Suppose I'm sitting on the upper berth
I won't be able to sleep at night.
Then I hang on to the mesh
and listen to their family conversations.
When you wake up in the morning,
you will find imprints of the mesh on half my face.
I have heard many secrets which will be buried with me.
You listen to it, and they will be buried with you too.
They were like, "Aunty, you were not there that day."
I was in the house that day.
When Montu's wedding date was fixed,
the maternal uncle's wife stood in the middle of the house and said
on the day of Montu's wedding procession,
I'll give anklets to all the daughters of the house.
What happened?
No, no, aunty. I'm not saying she must not have given them."
I'm saying she must have given.
but only to ladies on her side of the family.
We are her sister-in-law's children.
We are not part of the family. Right?
When my maternal grandparents were alive, it was different.
Uncle does not constitute your maternal home, mom.
If your parents were alive, would they let it happen?
They used to love me so much.
She must have given the anklets to her side of the family.
My ankles are still anklet-less."
Now…
Now you know that the younger maternal uncle's wife is not a good person.
Right?
So with that intention…
This is the peculiarity of sleeper coach. People gossip about their family.
So I said, "What happened? Why did you break-up?"
He said, "Nothing much. She was on a project with me in the first year.
Then in the second year, she got a new boyfriend."
I said, "But she must have said something."
I mean, what happened between 'I can't live without you'
and 'Don't show me your face, idiot'?"
He said, "She did not…"
I said, "You must have spoken to her. What did she say?"
"No, we didn’t talk."
I said, "That must be at the time of the break-up, no?
What about before that?"
He goes, "No, before that also we didn't talk."
"So, when was she your girlfriend?"
"She was with me on the project, no?"
Oh, okay. Gotcha.
I said, "So there was a girl."
He said, "Yes."
"Who was in your class and project."
He said "Correct."
I said "So, in the second year…" He said "She betrayed me."
I was like, "Shut up, you idiot."
There's one-sided love,
where you like someone, you tell them and they reject you.
You still keep pursuing them. I respect that. You are putting in effort.
But what kind of love is this?
Where she betrayed you, but she doesn't even know you exist.
I told this to everyone on the train.
[Unclear] remove?
Well, the stepping stone to dominance is sacrificing someone else for it.
There was an aunty in the first block, Bablu's mom; very funny woman.
She was like those aunties who say nasty things and conceal it with laughter.
"Oh, sister, I thought you were pregnant.
But you have just put on weight."
I'm sorry.
Sister…
There was a boy named Bablu and his mom was very funny.
She badly trolled this engineer boy.
She held a water bottle in front of him and said, "Dear, will you have Pepsi?"
He said, "Aunty, it's not Pepsi, it's water."
She said, "What do you care?
Just assume it's Pepsi."
She asked, "Does anyone of you has a job at NASA?"
I said, "He does."
He said, "Aunty, I'm in my third year."
She said, "What do you care?
Just assume you work at NASA."
The train hawkers were like "Buy some chain, chain, chain, chain.
soap case, chain, lock, lock, chain, chain."
Aunty says to him, "Sir, give him the gold chain."
The hawker is like, "Aunty, it's not gold, it's steel, steel, steel."
She goes, "Hey, you just give it, he'll assume it's gold."
All this nonsense was going on. It was so much fun.
I was like why keep my dominance only in this area of the train.
I should expand my power and boundary to other areas.
I went to the second block. There was a kid.
His name was Aarav. He was like those kids who just blabber.
Mom, blah, blah. blah. Mom, blah, blah. blah.
Mom, trees are running behind.
Mom, Mom, trees…
Their mothers’ voices get tired.
Have you seen such kids? Do you remember them?
They look cute from outside.
"Oh my God! He blabbers so nicely."
When you talk to those kids, you see.
Normally, when you talk to a kid,
their parents see how the kid is reacting,
how you are reacting.
When you talk to these blabbering kids, their mothers just look the other way.
If you like him, take him.
Take him, take him.
Their theme song is
Please someone come and take him. I will give you my blessings.
Such kids don't even get kidnapped.
Kidnappers return them back saying, "What is this?
Your dustbin…
So small. He is a talking machine.
Please shut him up.
He keeps spewing out garbage."
My bad luck
that I engaged with such a dustbin.
I was in high confidence.
I went and said, "Hello, hi. How are you?"
He didn't answer to my how are you, but just ruined my mood.
He ruined my mood twice in one line.
"Hello, uncle, what do you do?"
I mean…
I was 23. Why did this kid call me uncle?
On top of that, "What do you do?"
Why did you ask that?
That's what I don't know, man.
That's been the problem for the past 4 years. I don't know what to do.
"Hello, uncle, what do you do?" I was like, "Shut up!"
I have a ninja technique to ruin moods of such kids, friends.
Get hold of them and ask them, "Dear, do you know any Hindi poem?"
That's where they shit.
"Hindi?"
Just observe.
A 6-year-old kid will look like a 16-year-old when he speaks in English.
Suddenly, he'll look like a 6-year-old.
Aarav stayed quiet for five minutes. He was making eye contact with me.
His mom woke up and was like, "Who shut up my little devil?"
In the third block, my victory lap,
my winning spree…
A woman sitting in the third block was watching me for a long time.
She was like this boy seems very interesting.
And I was at the peak of overdoing it.
Friends, hand to heart, be honest, you know…
When you're overdoing it, you know, you're overdoing it a little.
But it is fun…
Because why not?
For example, with girls, you know this thing
that everyone is going to wear a salwar suit.
You wear a lehenga on purpose.
You know you are overdoing it but it's okay.
If someone asks for water, you go like… "Water?"
"You want water?"
Unnecessary.
Unnecessary but cute.
Same feeling, I am overdoing it when that aunty calls me, "Hey boy…
Come here."
So, I went with an attitude and I was like, "Yes.
Tell me."
Yeah. Yeah.
Attitude…
I said, "Yes, tell me.: She said, "What is your name?"
Like James Bond, I said, "Zakir, Zakir Khan."
She said, "Okay. What does your father do?"
What is this line of questioning?
Huh!
I said, "He is a teacher."
She says, "Where does he teach?"
I gave a generic answer and said, "He is a teacher in Indore."
She said, "Is your father a teacher?" I said, "Yes."
She asks, "Are you Khan sir's son?
I denied. I was keeping it generic.
I denied it and said, "Who is Khan sir?"
She says, "The one in that school. The music teacher…
In the Girl's School?
He plays sitar, right? You are Ismail's son, correct?
"Yes, ma'am."
She says, "That is why…
You have created a ruckus in the train."
Your father studied with me in college.
Your…
Your voices are very similar.
I was like I know this.
We've already had scandals due to this.
She said, "Your father was also a fun loving person, just like you."
I was like, "Who? My dad?"
My father isn't fun separately,
Nor is he loving separately.
And you're saying he's fun loving? No, no, no.
It must be someone else.
She said, "Your father was very talented.
If you call him, tell him you met Rukhsar Madam.
It's been many years.
It's been many years, so I don't know if he remembers--
Well he would definitely remember.”
Okay…
​​I was like, it's once again proved that my father is a stud.
It's like my father's scandals are endless.
She said, "Dear, this is what happens.
I got married in Bhopal
I was here to visit my relatives and now I'm going to Delhi for a wedding.”
I said, "Okay, okay."
"A woman's life is like this, dear.
When I come to Indore, I often think I'll meet some old friends, your father.
But after marriage, after having children,
a woman spends so much time raising her kids, fulfilling her responsibilities,
maintaining relationships with relatives,
that her identity, her friendships don't survive, my dear.
This is the irony of a woman's life."
I was like, "How did I reach in this old woman's monologue?"
Do I really have the aptitude to understand this?
Why do you need to tell me all this in such detail?
What's wrong with you? You should go for therapy.
I was also going, "Yes… I understand… Right…
This is wrong.
This shouldn't happen."
Then she asks, "Where are you going, Zakir?"
I said, "I'm going for an interview."
she said, "So, you've completed your graduation?
I said, "No, not yet."
Because I dropped out.
She said, "Good, you've not completed your graduation
but started looking for a job before the exams. Very good, dear."
I thought it's not like she is my relative or anything, so whatever.
Just then, behind her
a girl climbed down from the upper berth.
She was absolutely gorgeous.
First time when I saw her,
I could clearly see the blue veins on her neck.
So I saw her, and she had such big eyes.
Her eyelashes were so heavy, that when she blinked
it seemed like they were fanning you.
Rosy pink lips and a small mole here.
As she had just woken up,
her hair were all messy.
And her braid had loosened as she had just woken up.
And her clothes were all messed up as she had just gotten down.
So she was tidying up her clothes.
Just then she called her, "Shaista."
She turned and said, "Yes, mom."
You know…
I started salivating.
Aunty says, "Shaista, come here. She is my daughter.
She is in the final year of psychology.
This is Zakir.
He is the son of my old friend, Ismail.
And Zakir is in his final year
and has already started giving job interviews."
She said, What are you studying, Zakir?"
I thought now a relationship could be formed.
Now, I can't lie.
So I said, "I have taken a drop from graduation."
She said, "Great, dear. Education is not everything."
So what do you do? Where do you work?
I said, "It's been three years since I dropped out."
She said, "No, dear. Where do you work?"
I said, "I've been looking."
She, "What have you been looking for?" I said, "Job."
She asked, "Did you get it?" I said, "No., I'm still looking for one,"
So she is like, "Not a single one?" I said, "No…
Just been looking for one."
She goes, "Oh, okay, okay.
"So you took a drop from graduation
and have been looking for a job, for three years?"
I said, "Yes."
She said, "And now where you are going, have you got that job?"
I said, "No, not yet."
She said, "So, this is also not definite?"
I said, "Yes."
"Shaista, go up to your berth, dear."
She held my hand and dragged me to a side.
She said, "Zakir, your father was very talented
He could have done a lot in his life
but because you were born…
He is Rajasthani, so had a child marriage.
You were born early, so he sacrificed his career
to focus on you.
He didn't leave the city, so that he could raise you better.
And you have become this?
If you can't support for your father
at least don't become a burden."
People scold unemployed people so passionately.
As if my family has not already said all this to me.
I wanted to say, "Get lost, old woman."
What could I say. So I was like, "Yes, yes, no, no."
I said Kota station has come
I haven't had food. I'll go and have something.
I quickly turned and I stepped on the "dustbin."
Dustbin went dragging for 3-4 blocks,
crying loudly.
I was like, "Why don't you go and die on your seat?"
I said, "Don't cry, don't cry."
He cried loudly, "You kicked me."
I was like if I had kicked you, you would be outside now.
I said, "I'll give you chocolate."
He said, "Which chocolate?"
I said, "I'll give you Eclairs."
He said, "Dairy milk."
I said, "Okay, okay, I'll give you."
He said, "Silk."
I said, "Okay, okay." He goes, "Bubble Silk."
I said, "Just get down, man!"
I was trying to settle him with two rupees, he was demanding 35.
I don't have money. I haven't had Dairy Milk in four years.
I got down at the Kota station. There I met a man.
He said, "Sir, do you want a credit card?" I was like, "Hey, get lost, man."
I searched the list and found the name Shaista Sheikh.
I took my mobile out of my pocket,
searched for Shaista Sheikh.
I saw a three week old post.
It's not difficult to find.
How many colleges might be there offering psychology course In Bhopal
What's the big deal….
Look, this is my main work.
In four years of my unemployment, I have managed 11 profiles.
I am Angel Priya.
I checked out Shaista Sheikh's profile.
She has been posting broken heart photos for the past three weeks.
Earlier, we had to post everything.
I have posted many photos with many idiots.
Every year I get a memory reminder, "You had fun with so and so."
I'm like, now I won't even spit on him.
"You had fun with so and so."
I didn't have any fun, man.
I can't even delete it as there are four other people in it.
So, I bought food, Dairy milk, water bottle, chips, etc.
I had lodged in S7 coach so I climbed S7 coach again.
Now, S7 is the coach for Kota.
Everyone gets down there.
When I reached my seat, a new guy was keeping his luggage there.
I said, "Sir, there was a green bag kept here."
He asked, "Was it yours?"
I said, "Yes." He said, "A girl in a red suit took it."
I said, "Oh. ****."
I was like it always happens to me.
I said to him, "Bro, could you please keep an eye on my food."
He said, "Yeah, okay."
I frantically ran and got down from the train.
I met a police. I asked him, "Sir, did you see a girl in a red suit?"
He said, "With a green bag?" I said, "Yes."
He asked, "Was it your bag?" I said, "Yes!"
He was like, "Damn, I had a feeling she was a thief.”
I was like, then why didn't you catch her?!
He said, "You go look this way, and I'll look go this way.
And if you don't find her, come to me. I will register an FIR.”
I was like, "Yeah, fine. Let me first look for her."
I was frantically looking for her.
You have multiple things going on in your mind, right?
When something gets stolen, your ego gets hurt.
Because there were 100 people on the train.
She identified me…
She was like he looks like a fool.
Jumping here and there.
I was like why did this happen to me?
Then I started feeling all guilty.
I was like I shouldn't have trolled that engineer guy.
Heaven and hell is all here.
The almighty shows everyone the truth.
The atmosphere was frantic.
I was looking for my bag. Just then I saw the police guy.
He was waving his hand at me.
I was like he's such a bad guy.
Didn't find the thief, and is waving at me.
Then I saw carefully.
The train was leaving.
So, I started running in slow motion.
I mean at normal speed but like slow motion.
If someone records it, they will be like, "Wow, what a run!"
I always have that vibe on that someone is looking at me.
I still believe that people of Kota must be talking about me.
"What a run that guy had."
I was running and running.
First step, second step, third step, fourth step.
As soon as I kept my fifth step on the tiles
It fell on a newspaper.
Dusty tiles and dusty newspaper.
My foot went…[makes slipping sound]
Any normal person with good luck would have fallen down.
But I had full faith in my bad luck.
I was mentally prepared for it, guys.
I didn't lift my other foot.
I was sliding like a champion…
At Kota station, people started clapping.
"Look, Superman!"
I entered the S2 coach.
People were amazed. They were like, "Wow, how amazingly you got on the train!"
I mean they didn't say it to me. I saw it in their eyes.
that they were amazed.
In a state of panic and agitation, I looked for the TT.
I found him in S2 coach.
I went to him and said…
TT was busy confirming the RAC of girls.
Genuinely, I'm not saying it sarcastically.
Girls get preference.
Girls and senior citizens get a preference.
Girls were complaining,
"Sir, the seat you allotted me is in S11.
My entire family is in S9.
I am just doing to and fro."
One sister had quite a unique complaint.
"The seat you gave me is side lower."
The lower corridor seat.
It's side lower. Everyone is passing by."
And here I was, sitting outside the latrine.
When people are going for potty, they are passing over me.
If they feel like, they are telling also
what they ate.
Don't say "Ew." This is the truth of my life. Deal with it.
TT is in that romantic atmosphere.
There is a background music, la la la la la…
In that atmosphere, I went to him with my hoarse voice, "My bag got stolen!
My bag got stolen from S7! My bag got stolen!"
He's like, "Hey, speak quietly."
I was like, "My bag got stolen!"
He's like, "Hey, lower your speed!"
I said, "My bag got stolen from S7." He said, "What's your seat number?"
He: "Bought a general compartment ticket, no?"
You must have sat in sleeper by paying a fine.
Penalty, wrong class.
"You must have thought, I will sit in S7.
It's a Kota coach. But people will get down, no?"
I was like, "Yes."
He said, "The future of today's youth is ruined."
"If you can't support your parents, at least don't be a burden…"
What is this, man?
He goes, "You roam around on the bike all day.
You don't care about your future a bit.
Prepare for CA.
There is scope in CA. Got it?!"
What is this? You took your son's frustration out on me.
Using the script that you had a lot of practice with?
I said, "Uncle, if your son does not listen to you,
why are you shouting on others?" He was like, "Get lost!"
He scolded me in front of nine girls. I wrote in my diary, TT
I have a diary in which I…
I am a very vindictive man.
I am a very revengeful man, you know.
Don't ever mess with me.
I record it in my mind
It's just that I don't remember.
I'm telling you, I am quite sinister.
I will seek revenge one day.
I felt very bad. It happens to me all the time.
Then I thought what will I tell my mom.
Because my mom doesn't scold me for just the present deed;
she brings out the past too.
"As a child also you used to lose your bottle.
Don't even talk about erasers.
We had told the stationery guy to provide us 15 per month.
We would celebrate if you brought back the eraser the third day."
Did I ask you to tell all this old stuff?
I was like tell me, tell me.
Don't ask how my bag got stolen.
You know it is said that self pity is the best luxury human beings have.
So I was like this happens to me all the time.
I am very unlucky. People will realise this when I die.
Then you are imagining your funeral.
As you are imagining it, people are praising you.
And you are enjoying it
Human mind is so simple but so complex.
As you are feeling sad, you are having suicidal thoughts.
In suicidal thoughts, you're imagining your funeral.
The things you are imagining in it, are the thoughts of your mind
They are praising you, so you are enjoying it.
The problem is solution, the solution is the problem.
I left S7. I was feeling so sad.
When I reached S8,
I was feeling so bad that my bag got stolen.
No matter how bad a man is feeling, he becomes fine when flirting with a girl.
Shaista was coming towards me.
Suddenly we had a moment.
I said…
One minute.
You go first.
Mummy…
I went to S8, I was looking for the police guy.
I thought he might be in S9 or S11. So I was walking across the coaches.
Just then I saw Aarav.
He's like, "Bhaiya, were is my chocolate."
I was like hey, go man. I was about to cry.
These kids are so inhuman.
Kids are the form of God.
It is true, because they don't have any humanity in them.
Here, I am crying and he is asking for chocolate.
He's like, "Settle the matter."
I said wait. I wiped my tears.
I turned from there and met the engineer guy.
He said, "Bro, where did you go, man?
I was feeling very lonely without you.
I thought this engineer is sitting here
Didn't he get down at Kota?
The engineer is here,
Bablu and his mom are also here,
Aarav and his mother, Shaista and her mother.
Oh, God. Oh, ****.
I was looking for the bag in the wrong coach.
I wasn't sitting in S7.
I was sitting in the next coach.
I didn't remember. I remembered the coach that I had entered.
I was like I spent the past half an hour in so much anxiety and stress.
I couldn't breathe.
Just then I heard the sound of bangles. I saw Shaista climbing down
with a brush and toothpaste.
Beautiful girls brush at night.
I don't care if you feel bad,
Beautiful girls are the ones who do everything. Others are just living.
She climbed down with a brush and paste,
just then I found the police guy.
He was standing at the other end of the coach.
He goes, "Bhaiya!"
I said, "Yeah?"
He yells, "Your bag was stolen, no? What about its report?"
Guys, you are confident
I didn't have the guts to say that the bag was kept here.
I have already told the whole world,
That my bag got stolen.
I was cursing the girl in the red suit.
I said….
"Yes."
How can I say it is lying here, where I had kept it.
I was looking in the wrong coach.
Just then Shaista came.
She said, "What? Your bag got stolen?
I will tell you a simple thing.
You are a beautiful girl, but I am not.
Nothing should happen between us. This is what the rules say.
There is just one condition applied -
Don't talk to me.
If you talk to me, the rules will change.
Then don't say later how this happened.
I said, "Yes, it's fine."
She said, "What do you mean it's fine? How are you so casual?"
I said, "Shaista, there is a saying in English…
Never cry on spilled milk.
Often, people hurt us. Like this thief.
She hurt me and stole my stuff.
The more I think about this thief,
the more the thief will win and I will lose.
Why should I let my enemy win?
Why should I waste my time on that thing that is lost
when I should be focusing on my interview,
on my family, my friends, on people who love me?
Often, people hurt us and we keep thinking about them.
Sometimes, we should free them.
We should let them go.
We should think about the future.
This is my life and I take control of my life.
And I decide to move on from this incident."
Shaista had tears in her eyes.
She says, "Zakir…
I don't know why you said this but…
you have no clue what you've just said."
I have full clue.
I have read your Facebook, so I know.
She says, “Zakir, you have no idea who you are.
Your aura is very different."
I have been unemployed for four years.
Why is the public not noticing my aura then?
She said, "Zakir, you have no clue. You are God sent.
You have no idea. You are God sent.
What can I say on this? She is bringing God and all in this.
"No, no, it's not like that."
She went to brush her teeth and I was feeling hungry.
I brought my food from S7 and stuck the chocolate in mouth of the "dustbin."
"Eat, eat, eat, you rascal."
Eat slowly, it's worth 35 rupees.
Give me a little, please.
I was eating my food. Now people are focusing on me.
Bablu's mother said, "Bhaiya, your bag got stolen. You must be feeling bad."
I said, "Aunty, what did you bring in this world
and what will you take with you?
The body is destructible. We leave everything behind."
If anyone talks to me now, will I will talk to them?
No, everything I say is for her sake.
She is brushing her teeth here.
I will aim my talks here.
There was a man next to me.
He was a scoundrel.
Unnecessary… Brother, you can see.
When a boy flirts with a girl, he over does it.
Everyone knows.
You let him go saying let him do what he is doing.
Unnecessarily that scoundrel was pulling my spot light.
He said, "Brother, I can see your soul. It is very pure.
I can see your soul. It is very pure.”
I was like okay. He said, "I will give you a boon.
You will get 10 times more than what you have lost."
Brother, I have not lost anything.
How will I get 10 times of it?
I know this much math.
I was like I will see you in the morning.
I braced myself for showing him down I stooped to his level.
I told him, "Uncle, my parents have taught me
that never eat anything earned from someone else's hard work.
This boon is of your hard work, your powers.
How can I take this?
If you want to give me something,
give me your blessings
that I get the fruit of all the effort I put in.
I don't want anything else.
I don't want your boon.
Just bless me."
Guys, the uncle stood up, opened the door and jumped out.
He said, "This boy is walking on the path of truth."
What does he know that I am on the path of flirting?
On this path, a man can go to any extent.
The environment was set.
According to the rule, Shaista should come and talk to me in half an hour.
Look, she must be pursuing a psychology course,
but I am the mechanic.
She is a beautiful girl. It took her 15 minutes.
or like 45 minutes.
She came down after 15 minutes,
when her mother fell asleep.
She came to me.
She said, "Zakir, can I tell you something?"
I said,"Sure."
She said, "I don't know why, but I am getting an intuition
that you will get your bag."
I got my bag. She has the right intuition.
Seven crores for the right answer.
So I said…
"Before today, I believed I was very unlucky.
But now that you are saying it, I think I will get it."
She said, "Okay…
Do let me know if you get your bag.
Because things often get stuck in my mind."
I said, "Yes, okay.
How do I tell you but?"
She's like…
Um, you…
I said number, she said Facebook.
It's like I said dinner, she said coffee.
I said, "Facebook?"
She said, "Yes, Facebook…
Actually, you can add me on Facebook.
And…
I have actually…
I have spelled my name differently.
Every alphabet in my name is in a different script.
So give me your phone, I will find it for you."
How can I give her my phone? Her profile is open on it.
I said, "Oh, phone? My phone is switched off."
She said, "Then how were you going to take my number?"
I said, "Damned be the memory that doesn't remember your number."
She said, "Zakir…
Where do you come up with such things?"
I said, "That's how I am."
What a great setup. The power equation has suddenly switched.
But my power equation will never go up
because I have friends like Kuntal.
When the whole setup is that my phone is off,
then why the hell are you calling me?
What are you doing calling me at 12:30 in the night?
Are you my mother?
Are you my girlfriend?
Why do you care? You are just calling to talk nonsense.
You rang my phone. My whole setup got broken.
This girl taunted me to my face.
She said, "Zakir…
That's why I don't trust men.
All men…
All boys are just f***ing liars.”
[girls] Yes, yes.
Don't say yes.
As if you are very innocent.
Telling Tokyo, going London.
"Yes."
You have options of reactions, right?
About how you choose to react to it? I chose that one and said…
I picked the call and said, "Hello.
He said, "I hope you didn't come under the train and die." I said, "shut up."
He ruined my whole setup.
The next day, I went for the interview.
It was the first time that I got a chance to give an interview.
I couldn't reach to the interview stage.
No one was calling me.
I also want to live the life of beautiful and rich people.
They think they are very confident.
They say such things like, "You know, I had nothing in my hand.
So I saw this office, I just walked to their reception,
and I said, I am looking for a job.
So the CEO was standing right next to me,
like there at the reception. What a coincidence.
And he was like, what job you want?
What job?
I am like, anything. Whatever.
He is like, you will do sales? You will do sales?
I am like, yeah, I will do sales.
So then I am trained for two months and now I am the sales head of the company."
Very good. I am saying, I also want to follow this format.
I also want to do this.
I too want to go to the reception and say, "I am looking for a job."
I'm unable to reach the reception as the guard is not allowing me.
The guard is stopping me.
I told the guard, "I am looking for a…" He's like, "Get lost."
I sat for the interview and he asked,
"Where do you see yourself five years from now?"
I gave the right answer.
I was like say all the keywords together.
Add is, a, the in between.
I said…
Legacy of great historical organization…
Learning together…
Different verticals…
Growth…
Legacy…
Institute Organization Learning…
Together, together, ROI…
HR went crazy and was like, "Right answer! 7 crores!"
Just then my boss came. He said, "Wait a minute.
Don't ask him these questions.
It's a creative job. We will ask him creative questions.
He asked, "Hey, when did you receive the job interview call?"
I said, "Yesterday at 1 o'clock." He goes, "What time is it now? 1 o'clock?
Tell me. What happened in the last 24 hours?
Your strength is your weakness, your weakness is your…
[Audience] Strength.
The reason I thought I wouldn't be able to reach the interview,
got me the job.
He said, "Your sentence structuring is not right."
Your voice also doesn't sound good on mic .
There is no punch in your personality, Zakir.
This will not work out.
We can't make you a radio jockey. We can hire you as a writer.
Because I really like your mind."
I said, "Like how?"
He said, "Like you think I am a fool.
Is it written on my forehead that I am a fool?”
I said, "It's not written."
He said, "You told me a story and am I supposed to believe it?
Zakir, no one is that stupid,
that all this happens to him.
Very clearly, you just made up this story just now for the interview.
We are ready to hire you. Now come on, tell me the truth.
Did it actually happen to you or did you make it up?”
I said, "I made it up." He goes, "Ha, ha, ha…
I caught you. I have a lie-detection machine in my eyes."
I was like give me the job first
We'll see the rest later.
As soon as I went downstairs with the job letter,
I met a guy and he says, "Sir, do you want a credit card?"
I said, "Yes…"
My salary was very low but the salary of others was very high.
My salary was Rs. 19,700.
The first year, I didn't get any increment.
I said, "Why did I not get increment?"
He said your starting salary will be low but we will increase it later.
We will increase it in a couple of years.
The next year they did not increase it.
I asked why. They said, we were teaching you the job.
I asked, why was I alone in learning?
Why was no one there with me?
Am I Eklavya?
Why didn't I know I am Eklavya?
The problem is that,
Everyone's payscale should be the same.
Now some fool named Atish resigned.
And everyone was like, "Guys, let's contribute Rs. 3000 each for Atish's gift."
Why are you giving a gift to Atish?
You took 25% of my salary, man!
How will I manage after that? Will Atish pay my electricity bill?
And Atish is leaving, so why are we spending on him?
I got the job, but did not receive any increment the first year.
Second and third year also, no increment.
After slogging for years, my salary reached Rs. 24,300
Which again is not a very good salary.
So long as you know only your salary, it's fine.
Provided you don't know other people's salary.
One day I was sitting with my boss in his cabin and working,
when HR came in swaying.
She said, "Rajesh…"
A guy on the same profile as me had resigned.
She was like, "Can I talk to you for two minutes?"
Boss told me to excuse them.
I got up and even before I went out, they started talking.
She said, "He is not agreeing to it. He will not take below 80,000 per month.
We'll have to pay him that amount in hand."
And you know, the glass doors close slowly.
I was listening to all this.
What is this, man?
My boss was like, "Yeah, okay. Retain him. We will do what we can.
Do one thing, make it 75,000 in hand
and 5,000 as reimbursements for mobile bill and all.
He would get 80,000 per month The overall package would be less."
She was like, "Yeah, okay." I hadn't even stepped out yet.
At least don't say all this in front of me.
I started crying.
Then I realised, everyone else was wearing good clothes, I was wearing cheap clothes.
I was managing just the basic necessities.
I had a credit card bill of 1.5 lakhs.
I didn't know how I was going to pay all my debts.
Money is very important in life.
People who say money isn't everything are liars.
Money is everything.
Just give it to us first.
People say, "I earned everything, but could not find happiness."
I'm like then give that to me.
Give it to me, I will buy happiness with it.
I came in and sat in front of my boss.
I was like I'll have to confront him.
He says, "Yeah, tell me." I said, "Sir…
Can I talk to you about something?" He said, "Yeah, tell me."
I: "Sir, my salary is very less. You've increased everyone else's.
but I didn't get a raise.
I'm doing the same job for the past three years.
If I had left, it would have increased."
He says, "Zakir, loyalty has a price."
I was like, "Pay then."
He says, "No, Zakir.
Let's take an example, Zakir.
God gives all of us a plate.
He gives us food in it.
That is our share of the food. Okay?
Never look at someone else's plate and think why there is more food in it,
and why there is less in mine."
I say, "Whichever YouTube Baba's video you've seen..
play it in front of me. So that I will also listen to it.
Why am I listening to this performance in relay?"
He says, "Okay, tell me how much is your expense."
It is called hard earned money, right?
Money earned with hard work.
Just give me that.
I said to him I didn't know we get paid according to our expenses.
I said, "This month I don't have much expenses, next month I have a lot."
He said, "What? You are getting married? You didn't tell me, you rascal."
I said, "No, sir, I'm not getting married. I am buying a yacht.
So you will have to get me a loan.
So, the EMI of the loan, and the amount of the whole loan…
as I'll make the down payment also with loan, right?
So, the down payment loan, the remaining loan,
and my personal expenses,
Rs 50,000, which is my salary."
He says, "Zakir, this is not how it works, dear."
Okay, tell me how do you commute."
I said, "By autorickshaw."
He said, "This is the problem dear.
It's not necessary to commute by auto everyday.
Sometimes take a bus or a metro.
You are young, dear.
Wake up at 6.30, take a bath and come walking.
What is 10 kms for you?"
I lost my mind.
I said, "Sir, actually my dad does not allow me."
He said, "Dad does not allow you to take a metro?"
I said, "No. My father told me he lives in Indore and he is my only father.
Don't make another father in Delhi.
If you want to increase my salary, do it,
If you don't want to, don't do it.
But don't try unnecessarily to become my father."
A lot of employees feel like saying this to their bosses. Right?
But often people don't say it.
Those who don't, I want to tell them just one thing.
Bro, you did the right thing.
Don't say it, man. Never say it.
I know what happens when you say it.
He made my life a living hell.
First of all, I was in debt,
Second, I am from a poor family.
He also came to know that I am helpless.
He increased my work a lot.
And he made my reporting time early.
I mean he gave me so muck work, that I couldn't leave till 3 am.
And he made my reporting time 9 am.
I was slogging, getting humiliated
was feeling cornered.
People are laughing. You don't even have money.
You are in debt. Everyday you think what I should do to earn more money.
Some more.
Then came Eid.
You have to buy small gifts for everyone on festivals.
There's my mother, my younger brothers.
Just as I was about to leave, HR lady came
and said, "Zakir, please fill your mid-year review form before you go."
Mid-year review form is the one
you fill in the middle of the year saying how amazing you are.
You forward it to your boss.
He writes, "He's not that special."
But it's okay.
I caught a train to Indore.
I reached home for Eid. I woke up at 6:30 am.
I'm telling you about the longest day of my life.
I woke up at 6:30 am, had my bath, got ready and all.
Every family faces this problem during festivals.
It must have happened at Diwali in your homes.
There comes a moment
when everyone looks at each other wondering who knows the pooja.
Then you quickly play it on YouTube.
One person has a determination in his eyes that next time I'll learn it.
Mom has a book on it and I'll learn it.
We also face the same kind of problems.
Dad, me, Zeeshan, and Arbaaz, there's four of us.
We must have 400 skull caps in our house.
On the morning of Eid, we can't find a single one.
Do we ever find our things on time?
We are yelling at each other, "Where is the cap?"
In between this chaos, Kuntal enters with his bike.
He parks his bike at the door and says to my mom,
"Eid Mubarak, Aunty. Biryani?"
This is Sevai (Vermicelli) Eid.
We don't even make biryani that day.
This rascal has been asking it for so many years,
that my mother has started making it.
My mom was sweeping.
Kuntal came and asked for biryani.
My mom stopped sweeping, wiped her hands on her dupatta and said,
"Dear, there is some left from last night. Should I heat it up?"
I said to my mom, "Mom, he is crazy."
I said to Kuntal, "Don't you have any sense of time?"
He said, "I was getting bored at home. So I thought
I will just come and see the action happening here.
We took him with us.
We had to offer our prayers.
So I told him, "Sit here and get some samosas heated up."
Till then we will pray and come."
When we came back, I saw he had gathered beggars
and was having nonsense fun with them.
He was saying to the beggars, "Girls must be flirting with you a lot."
I asked him, "Did you get the samosas heated up?"
He said, "Sorry, I forgot."
When I came back I saw 40 missed calls from my boss.
I picked up the call and said, "Yes."
He started shouting, "I told you so many times.
HR is complaining about you.
I had told you one thing, fill you mid-year review form.
You couldn't do even that?"
I said… You know there are those days where you just lose it.
If you put a lot of pressure on someone, they explode.
I said, "Wait, first say hello.
Say hello first."
He says, "Hello?"
I said, "Wish me Eid Mubarak."
He said, "Eid Mubarak."
I said, "Now tell me, what's up?"
He said, "You haven't filled the mid-year review form."
I said, "I have. Ask the HR to please check."
He says, "Zakir, you have not filled it."
I said, "Sir, I'm telling you, I have filled it.”
He said, "Zakir…" I said, "Ask the IT guys to check.
I have filled it."
He says, "Zakir, I am sitting at your computer.
Why don't you shut it down before leaving?"
Is that the issue now?
I will pay the 15 rupees for the electricity bill.
He said, "Zakir, the form is open here and you haven't sent it."
He said, "Why didn't you send the form, Zakir?"
I said, "It slipped out of my mind."
He was like, "How did it slip your mind?"
I was like "I forgot, sir."
He was like, "How can you forget?"
I was like will you be stuck on this now.
I said, "At least I have filled it."
I have filled the form. I remember filling it.
I said, "I've filled the form."
He said, "What kind of language is this? Do you work at a pan shop?
Is this how you fill your appraisal form?
Is this how you fill your mid-year review?"
I asked, "What have I written?”
He was like, "What have you written in your KRA?"
I asked, "What?"
He said, "You've written, 'I did everything you told me to do.'"
What's wrong with that?
All the employees want to write the same.
I did what you asked me to do.
What you don't remember, let it go.
Why are you spoiling your mood and mine too.
Tell me did I say something wrong.
I said, "Sir you are sitting on my system,
the form is open,
go ahead and submit it."
He got annoyed and started shouting,
"If you don't reach office by 9 am tomorrow,
there will be no appraisal for you."
I was like…
I knew my salary was going to be around 50,000
because we talked about it.
I thought I might lose a lot of money. After all it's monthly income,
and is expected to be doubled.
I said, "Sir, please don't say that. I am on leave for Eid."
He's like, "I don't care. Like you don't care about work,
I don't care about your festival.
Come to office tomorrow 9 am in the morning!”
He disconnected the call. I called him but he did not answer.
I told my father, "Dad,
I need to leave today as my boss said
he will not give me increment if I don't report to work tomorrow.”
My mom started crying, "You could have stayed for the festival at least."
Now what do I say to her. Everyone works for money.
So many people in India live hand to mouth.
If they had six months salary in their account,
they would quit their jobs too.
My mom used to say…
My mom is not educated. She came to my office one day.
She was like, "You work in such a tall building
that if I look up, my neck starts hurting."
And I am suffering here.
But who to tell?
Boys are identified by the jobs they do.
Has anyone ever asked if he is happy?
[Audience Member] No
Maybe he is in pain there.
Who will ask that?
My mom started crying that I had to leave on the day of the festival.
but if you have to go, you have to go.
You have to go.
Zeeshan came to drop me off at the station.
but there was no train available.
Train arrival was at 4:20. As I was with Zeeshan, we reached at 4:10.
I usually reach at 4:19
I like catching a running train.
That's how I am, no thrill no fun.
The platform was empty.
Usually, the train is on the platform by 3:50.
It is there at the platform half an hour before.
There was no train.
So I asked the cold drink vendor,
"Bhaiya, Indore-Nizamuddin Intercity Express…"
He is like, "Cold drinks, tea,” Tring.
“Pepsi, Coca cola…"
I asked again, "Bhaiya, Indore Nizamuddin Intercity Express…"
Bhaiya is like, "Miranda…
Pepsi, Coca cola, Coffee."
I said, "Give me two teas."
He goes, "Rs. 40 for two teas."
Again I asked, "Indore-Nizamuddin Intercity Express?"
He replied, "It's already left."
Zeeshan was shocked, "Oh, the train left?"
Bhaiya said, "Yes."
I said, "How? Its departure time is 4:20 pm, no?”
Bhaiya said, "Its time has changed."
I was standing casually.
Of course the time must have changed.
Today I had to go urgently, no,
So it had to change today.
Zeeshan asked, "When did it change?" I said, "Just today, I'm sure."
Bhaiya is like, "See, your brother knows."
Zeeshan said, "You knew about it?" I said, "No, I just know my luck."
He said, "There are a lot of trains from Bhopal.
There are lot of trains from Bhopal.
You will get a train to Delhi from Bhopal.”
I said, "I won't be able to book it on IRCTC."
Now I've been working for the past four years, no?
Now I don't travel in the general coach.
You don't realise how your life gradually changes.
I said, "I will not get a ticket. How will I go?"
Zeeshan said, "I will do it."
He took my phone, opened the IRCTC site, and surprisingly it opened.
Zeeshan's life is normal.
Such incidents don't happen in his life all the time.
I booked a ticket, I got a reservation 2AC in Tatkal,
In Trivendram Express from Bhopal.
I was surprised.
Now I had to look for a shared cab from Indore to Bhopal.
I reached the stop from where we get the shared cabs,
aand there is a cab waiting, which is almost full.
So what are you saying?
That I get down,
get in the cab and the cab will leave?
Huh?
Who's life is this?
Definitely not mine.
We did not come across a single red light.
The roads of Indore were empty. We reached the highway.
The valleys looked beautiful.
The climate was wonderful. I was like
cab is going to fall in the valley.
The cab is definitely going to crash.
My heart started pounding.
Just then I got a message on WhatsApp, "I am fine, how are you?"
It was from Shaista.
Six months ago…
I had messaged her, "How are you?"
She replied after six months, "I am fine, how are you?"
Sorry I forgot to tell you about this.
We had become friends in the last four years.
I told her I found my bag.
Then she came home a couple of times,
we became friends, we started talking a lot.
Then one night she came home. We talked through the night
and we discussed everything under the sky.
Everything under the sky.
Then she went back to her hostel in Delhi.
She must have woken up the next day around 12-12:30.
Suddenly she messaged me, "Hey." I replied, "Hey."
She said, "Just wanted to confess one thing."
And I was like confession is a big deal. I said, "Tell me."
As you know, I like gossip. I was like, "Tell me."
She replied, "Zakir, yesterday when we were chatting,
I just wanted to tell you that…
I felt like kissing you."
I was like huh?
Then you should have!
You should have just kissed and got it over with.
Why did the kiss not happen? What is the problem?
I obviously have it on my mind.
If it is on your mind, act on it and get it over with.
Our scene is like sometimes we will talk, sometimes we won't.
It is a hot and cold type of relationship.
In this, girls' behaviour is very inconsistent.
Sometimes when she's single, she will talk sweetly.
Then when she gets a boyfriend, she becomes cold.
Then when she becomes single again, she will call me on her own,
"You've forgotten me.
You've forgotten me.
You don't miss me. You don't miss me."
I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
When she is committed, she uses a different tone,
"So, is everything okay?"
I'm like, "Yeah. And how are you?"
"I'm good, I'm good.
And, are you okay?”
In this regard, I'm very proud of the boys.
Boys in the house, give me a cheer.
Proud of my boys. Proud of my boys.
Well done.
[Audience Member] Brotherhood on top!
Too good.
Consistency. Girls in the house, give me a cheer.
Cancel.
Learn consistency from the boys.
I like this about boys.
You can call us anytime, 2 in the night, 3 in the afternoon, anytime.
No matter what our situation is, no matter if we are married or single,
No matter that we are not born yet, no matter if we are dead.
No matter if we’re divorced.
You can call us anytime, we always talk to you in a consistent voice,
Flirtatious voice.
She calls and ask, "Hello, what are you doing?"
I say, "I'm just missing you."
Shaista sent a message to me, "It's Eid.
I am home alone. Mom and dad have gone to Gwalior.
Come home. I will cook for you, and dot dot dot."
I'm telling you a short version of the long text.
I said, "And dot dot dot question mark."
Tell me in clear words.
what's going to happen
I don't want to get into this I thought, you thought business. To hell with it.
And dot dot dot question mark.
I got a call, "You're not romantic. You… You know the answer.
You don't know what I mean?”
I said, "What is it?" She said, "Okay, I'll text you."
She cut the call and texted,
"I made a mistake in Delhi, which I want to fix."
I said, "Which is?"
She said, "I will kiss you…"
I said, "Thanks. Okay, I will come home now."
Give me clarity.
Be clear, be happy.
So, now I reached Bhopal.
I bought Dairy Milk.
The bubbles one…
[crowd] Silk.
I bought flowers. As soon as I turned,
a guy asked, "Sir, do you want credit card?"
I said, "I beg you.
I am regretting getting the one I have.
Don't look at me. I cannot help you."
Then I thought, should I take another one?
I'll pay that card's bill with this and this card's…
Wrong idea. Don't even think about it.
Then I thought, my salary is going to increase, so I filled the form.
I took another credit card. It was fun.
I swiped it right there.
He said, "I'll activate it right now. I'll activate it in two hours."
I said, "great, do it."
I reached her house, and the door opened. I died instantly.
This is my second birth.
So beautiful and all dolled up.
And girls have a beast mode.
Today, I'll show you how beautiful I am.
These big earrings. Pink lips.
Thick kajal. And a full flowing Anarkali suit…
She had all this on and was…
If a girl is looking beautiful, she pretends to work more.
"Sorry, the house is very dirty. I'm sorry, it's a mess."
Mess? Even if I clean my house for six months, it won't be so clean.
"Please come in. Please come in.
Please come in.
Zakir, could you wait for five minutes. Just five minutes.
Actually, it just needs one whistle. Just one.
You'll wait for five minutes? Just five minutes."
So I said, "Yeah, I can wait for life."
She's like, "Yeah…"
"Don't do this, okay?
Just five minutes. Five minutes you'll wait? Five minutes?"
After that…
I came to the station at 11.30. Okay?
[Audience member] Did it happen?
I told you, I write hot stories.
Okay. It was fine. I was satisfied.
Everything was fine.
I reached Bhopal. The train arrived. I got on the train.
I was now full of confidence. Okay?
When I reached inside, I saw that…
Look, what happens in AC2… Poor people, listen carefully.
You must not have seen it, right? In AC2 coach, we have a Dunlop mattress.
A white sheet is laid out.
There's one pillow. Don't make your bag your pillow.
If you ask for one more, they'll give you one more pillow.
And it's not like you are drooling,
People are watching you sleep with your mouth open, and someone will put a piece of paper. No.
There's privacy. There are curtains installed.
It's a bride.
With the same emotion, I opened the curtain.
A man named Gandappa Swami was sleeping inside.
I said, "Excuse me, excuse me." He said, "Hey, naughty, naughty."
I was like how did this news travel so quickly?
Like, I just… And it…
Love was in the eyes, how did the world know about it?
I was like how did he find out? I said…
"I am naughty, but seat is mine."
He said, "Hey, I don't want tea. Get lost."
I said oh, he was saying no tea, no tea.
No tea.
Brother, you have to be assertive in life.
This submissive life…
It was an old thing when I lived a submissive life.
And today, I have a tatkal ticket.
It's for Rs. 4500.
I maxed out my old credit card limit.
I had to buy a new one because of that.
So I said, "Get up!"
And what happens in AC 2, IAS, IPS type of people travel in it.
Senior officers. They talk like this,
"You know what, politicians don't realize
that even if you have to do corruption, you still have to do development.
Because the money is in the construction."
Rubbish…
On one hand we had talks like, "My ankles are still anklet-less."
That's what's called content. What is this?
Politician, corruption, development, blah, blah, blah.
I turned on the lights of the whole coach.
Assertive max.
Dominance in the situation.
My single-handed dominance.
He shivered.
The whole coach was trembling.
[imitating the sound of train]
This was the beat of the train.
I dragged Gandappa Swami to the corner.
I sat on the seat. I claimed my seat.
Just then the TT came. He said, "What's happening here?"
I said, "Oh, TT."
"TT, dear. You thief, where were you for so long?”
You must have thought no one would come on this seat.
You didn't know, your father has booked a ticket from Bhopal.
You must have thought let me sell the seat to someone."
He said, "Show me your ticket."
I said, "First remove him, then I'll show you.
Thief."
He said, "Talk with respect." I said, "Thief."
He's like, "Talk with respect. I said, "Mr. Thief.
Brother thief.
Brother, thief.
Thief brother.
He said, "What's all this?"
He said, "I'll check the tickets of others and then talk to you."
I said, "Bye, Thief."
Yes, brother.
I established my dominance.
Your brother has risen as a strong, assertive male figure.
Gandappa Swami fell asleep. I said, "Hey, don't sleep!
Don't sleep."
I am wrong a thousand times.
But even when I am not wrong, the world still doesn't behave properly.
I can't be always be wrong.
What?
[crowd] Wrong coach.
I said, "What is the name of this train?
What's the name of this train?"
"Trivandrum Express." "Okay."
"Which is this coach?
Coach. Compartment.
Box. Train box."
"A2"
"A2 12."
It's right.
What?
[crowd guessing]
You guys are so whiny.
Do I have a general coach ticket for today?
No?
So, am I here without a ticket?
I quietly picked my bag and said to Gandappa Swami,
Hey, don't sleep, okay. I… come… change…
Don't break your character. No one should know about this.
I picked up my bag and was trying to run away,
when the TT shouted, "Where are you going"
I said, "Talk with respect."
He said, "Show me your ticket." I said, "My phone is off."
I said you should have removed him and checked my ticket.
He said, "I have seen many people like you.
You have a ticket for tomorrow, right?"
I am sticking to my story that I have today's ticket.
I am not going to change it. I said, "No, it's for today."
He said, "Do you think you are the first fool who got on the train?
I see people like you every day."
I said, "You may see people like me, but I have come today."
I said, "Don't try to be a hero, Dhoni."
I told him even if I have tomorrow's ticket,
I am still a railway's customer, right?
You are a railway employee, no? Talk politely.
You don't have manners to speak to a customer.
You have been appointed TT from the sports quota.
If you had taken the exam and then got selected,
and if you had 10-15 years of experience, you would have learned manners.
You are new, so you will keep doing this.
He said, "It's been 20 years."
I said, "Did you start working as a baby?"
He said, "I am 48 years old."
He said, "Who do you think I am?"
I was like, "What are you saying, sir?
Your skin does not…
reveal your real age.”
He said, "Just wait, I will present you before the magistrate."
I told him, "Sir, you slap me,
tie my hands and legs and throw me in front of the train
but first tell me how do you maintain yourself?”
He says, "You should eat seasonal fruits.
I asked him, "Do you workout?"
He said, "You should go for a morning walk."
I said, "Sir, I cannot wake up early."
He says, "No, it's a must.”
He said, "Go for a walk and then come back and sleep.
It's important. The morning atmosphere is very good.”
I said, "Sir, I cannot do it. Tell me…
Girls must be flirting a lot with you, no?
I was like, "You are not telling me. Come on, tell me. Tell me."
He said, "No, man. I don't have time, I am busy checking tickets."
I said, "Don't say that, sir…
Sir, if it has happened to you too,
I'll lose faith in good looks and government job."
He said, "Oh, man… I mean…”
I said, "Come on, sir. You're not telling me. Tell me."
He said…
"Two years ago,
There was girl who used to live in a bungalow."
This is what I like about men.
Whether they are rich or poor, whether they are smart or stupid,
whether they live in a bungalow or a hut,
They are always flirtatious.
This road is always available.
Talking to them is so easy. You can connect with them.
As soon as I came in a commanding position, Kuntal called me.
I was thrown out at Jhansi station.
All alone.
There was not a single person in sight.
The lights were also off.
It was dark everywhere.
There was only one lamp post on.
A dog was scratching itself underneath it.
It was totally empty.
The most amazing thing about fear
is that fear never comes alone.
It comes with pee.
I was scared as hell and my bladder was ready to give up.
As if it was saying, "Just let the pee out, man."
I switched on my phone's torch and started walking.
Just then she started messaging me.
She says, “Hi…
Baby, missing you
Sweetheart, Love…
You really had to go?
Oh, I wanted to cuddle you all night
Zakir… Baby…
Oh wow, really?
Do you think I am a weak woman?
No, I am a very strong woman."
Did I saying anything?
I am reading the message.
"I don't want to talk to you. I can't trust men.
All men are just f***g liars.
Goodbye, Zakir. I am blocking you.
F*** off.
Shit person."
Here, my life is in danger
I am at an unknown station…
My heart is about to explode. My heart is pounding.
Can't she wait?
Just going on and on.
I am blocking you.
Bye
Then no message for 10 seconds.
Then she sent again, "Baby…
Sweetheart…
Are you alright?
Hey, text me when you see this.
Missing you…
Love you…
Smelling like you…"
Huh?
What was that?
What kind of behaviour is this?
What is the answer to this?
Huh?
The walk that you've taken alone…
You should have taken me along.
Why are you walking alone?
I can see you gals. The way you are laughing…
I can see everything.
What's this behaviour?
What was that?
You all are doing it. I know everything.
Again she wrote, "Blocking."
Then suddenly she thought did he die.
Was I scolding a dead guy?
Then she writes, "Baby, call back.
Text me once you see this.
I am worried now."
Then she must have imagined that my legs got cut off
and that's why I am not responding.
Then she wrote, "Sweetheart, love you."
You all remember doing it?
So I called her.
The problem with her was that we had been intimate,
and I haven't heard iconic stories of her previous boyfriends.
All girls are like if you want a proper relationship,
you have to listen to our previous mess.
This is a garden Which has its entry through a drain.
It passes through the drain.
Now…
I have seen the garden
But she is saying first go through the drain.
You didn't come through the drain.
I have to reach Delhi, I have to get the appraisal,
and here I am listening to nonsense.
"His name was Akhil. We met in my 9th grade.
He proposed me."
I said, "Okay, okay."
I bought two platform tickets due to all this.
Then I went a third time to buy a ticket.
I said, "Please give me a ticket for Hazrat Nizamuddin train."
He asked, "Sir, are you an agent?"
Do I look like an agent to you?
And this is my margin?
Will I earn a commission on selling a Rs. 5 platform ticket?
Is an agent like this?
What kind of a businessman do you think I am?
I said, "Just give me the ticket, man."
I was listening her go on and on.
In the meantime, I made a plane with the extra platform ticket.
It was a great plane.
It flew so well, that if Air India saw it, they would say get us one.
It was nicely swaying and flying.
The insects near the tubelight got scared.
They are like, "What is this?"
My plane was flying, like zoom, zoom…
Just then she started crying.
I said what is there to cry?
She says, "Zakir, when I was talking about my previous boyfriend
I just wanted to tell you that it still hurts me.
And I miss him.”
I said, "Okay. Now what can I say? I cannot say it's not okay.
She said, "Can I say something? Don't get offended."
I said, "No."
She said, "Can we be just friends for three more months?
You are such a nice boy, that I don't want to even emotionally cheat on you."
What nonsense is this?
"Say something, Zakir"
I said, "Okay." She said, "Zakir, just okay?"
Should I stomp my feet?
Should I go, "Hey, this is not done!"
Just then my train arrived.
I said, "My train has arrived." She said, "Zakir…
if you don't want to be my friend,
you should just say that you don't want to be my friend
Why are you lying?"
I said, "But my train has really arrived."
She says, "Zakir, that's why I can't trust men.
All men, all boys are just f**** liars."
She just hung up the phone.
And is just hanging up a good thing?
Often girls and boys, hang up the phone in anger. Never do that.
You are still in that conversation. Right? Remember?
You remain stuck in that conversation and keep replaying it.
Similarly boys…
Boys are scoundrels…
No matter how passionately he is fighting,
"You do it too! You also do it!" And he hangs up.
And the next moment he goes, "Hey, how are you, bro?
You don't know, you are the only one worrying.
Stop this.
You will get dark circles. You won't look good then.
I hung up the phone and counted my items, my phone, wallet, bag…
I was like let me check the ticket.
This is platform ticket. No problem.
I made a plane out of the ticket.
I said, Wow, Zakir Khan, amazing.
I left my things and ran to the station.
I ran to the counter. He asks, "How many?" I said, "Give me a ticket, man!"
I asked for a New Delhi ticket. I couldn't ask for Nizamuddin.
I bought a ticket for New Delhi, ran back and saw
the train has left.
And the X is going away from me.
You know, the X on the last coach.
I thought the Ex's that should go, are not going.
I was standing at Jhansi station.
In a dazed state.
It's 7.30 in the morning. My boss calls me,
"Zakir, I have left from Noida.
I will reach office by 8.30. I am hoping to welcome you before 9 am."
I said, "Sir, I am at Jhansi station."
He said, "You said you went to Indore?"
I said, "Sir, I am at the station."
I am waiting here.
He said, "Zakir, on the way from Indore to Delhi, you don't come across Jhansi."
I said, "I took the train from Bhopal."
He said, "How many cities will you visit?
You said you are going to Indore for Eid,
and you went to Bhopal?
Must be f***g some girl.
I said, "No, sir.”
He goes, "You come asking for an increment,
and you don't come to work?"
I said, "I am coming, sir."
He said, "Shut up" and he hung up.
Just then dad called.
He said, "Yes dear." I said, "Yes, dad?"
Did you reach Delhi?
Why would I tell dad all these details?
I said, "Yes, I reached."
He said, "Don't be submissive. Your dad is here with you.
You are not lazy, no?"
I said, "No dad, I am not lazy."
" Then don't be submissive, dear.
If you are lazy, just stay put.
A hardworking man has God with him. He helps in some way.
If you keep working hard, it will be good for you."
I said, "Yes, dad.
By this time, the book shop had opened.
There was a book by Munawar Rana.
While talking over the phone, I turned a page of the book.
I saw a couplet in it.
With the audacity and without any regard
It means. I got the courage to not have any regard.
With the audacity and without any regard
I left her court Without prostrating.
Art does not…
You can't make roads with art.
You can't make bridges with art.
You can't make buildings.
With art, humans are made and they take the decisions.
I called my boss and he said, "What?"
I said, "Say, hello first."
He said, "Hello."
I said, "How many jobs have you had?"
He said, "I have worked at nine jobs, That's why I value this one.
It's your first, so you don't value it."
I said, "Sir, I need your help."
He said, "What help do you need?"
I said, "Sir, you must have resigned nine times. Send me the format."
Asking my boss for a resignation format and then resigning.
I am proud of it.
I sent him the resignation. Just then my dad called.
I said, "Yes, dad."
He said, "I was saying that getting a job is hard.
Right?
It's okay to be a little submissive.
Even if your senior scolds you, just let them.”
I said, "Dad, you're killing me!
Don't say all this, man."
My boss called again, I said, "Yes, sir."
He said, "You have resigned because of your ego.
The outside world is very bad."
He says further, "Dear, I listen to all your fake train stories."
The world won't listen."
I said, "Sir, I'll find my share of people."
When I came out after the show at The Royal Albert Hall,
he was the first person to call.
He said, "So my magician, how are you?"
I said, "I'm fine, sir. How are you?"
He said, "I just called to apologise.
I made a judgment error.
I forgot to tell you what happened in the background.
Everyone knew you are from a poor family, so you will work for less money.
I tried my best to give you a raise.
I thought let me at least prepare you for the real world."
I was like what are you doing?
Don't puncture the narrative of the entire story.
Behave like a f***ing villain, man.
Why did you say sorry now? You ruined my mood.
I wasn’t feeling good that day.
It was 8:30 am. I had been awake for 26 hours.
My hands and legs are aching. My brain has stopped working.
Everything was over.
The girl I loved left me.
The train left.
I lost my job.
Now, things can get only better.
I can die from here. That's the absolute rock bottom.
Now things could only get better.
I was tired. So, I put on bag on the bench
and just as I was about to fall asleep,
someone pulled by bag and my things fell down.
I saw the TT standing there.
I was like I will make a football out of him today.
I was like, "How dare you touch my bag?"
He said, "Show me your ticket." I said, "Which ticket do you want to see?"
I said, "Here. This is one platform ticket,
this is another platform ticket.
Here's a ticket for New Delhi and this one is for Nizamuddin.
Don't open it, but it's a ticket for Nizamuddin."
I was like don't spoil the design of the plane.
I said, "Wait, there's one more."
Today's ticket is still valid.
I said, "Second AC Tatkal.
Now, show me the station master's office.
I will file an FIR against you, saying you stole things from my bag.”
He said, "When did I steal?"
I said, "You did. I am saying you did it."
You stole my things, I will deal with you.
He said, "Focus on your board exams.
You will waste a lot of time in these police and court matters.”
I said, "What board exams?"
He said, "You are in 12th grade, right?
I said, "You think I am a 12th grader?
I am 27 years old and I work in Delhi."
He said, "What are you saying, sir?
Your skin does not reveal your real age."
Okay, that's it from my side. Thank you very much.
You have been a great audience.
Good night.