[eerie music playing]
[Stolas] In the great expanse of the nether,
there exist boundless amounts of magnificent phenomena--
the great brilliance of an exploding star,
the nimble dance of space dust through a nebula.
But once every 1,000 years,
our corner of reality is treated to an incredible sight.
From the deep eldritch recesses of the cosmos,
the tears of a forgotten colossus begin to form,
tears made of the hopes and dreams of every living thing that never came to be,
condensed and sent shooting across the night sky
in a dazzling final display.
What appears to mortal beings as a meteor shower,
we can see for what it is--
Azathoth's tears.
[giggles] Daddy,
can we go see it someday?
Yes, dear. I promise.
When the day comes, nothing will be able to keep me from being there with you.
-Good night, my owlette. -[yawns]
Good night.
[gentle music playing]
[chuckles]
Hey, Dad.
Dad?
[Stolas] Yes, I know.
It will be there shortly.
Of course they're being careful.
Dad, what's going on?
-[Stella yelling indistinctly] -Apparently, your mother
can't exist somewhere two minutes
without the entirety of her possessions before she--
What? No, I'm not turning her against you! [stammers]
Yes, Stella.
[Stella] ...never have to see your fucking face again!
-Dad? -[Stella yelling indistinctly]
This is going to be done before tonight, right?
What? Oh. [sighs]
I hardly think so.
Knowing your mother, this will take all weekend.
Don't be gentle about it now.
Break whatever you have to to get it all in there.
[Stella] What?! What did you just tell them to do?!
But tonight we're supposed to--
Darling, can we not talk about this now?
Your mother's being a real B-I-T-C-H.
[Stella yelling indistinctly]
Well, how was I supposed to know you can spell?
I've never seen you read.
[Stella] I'm going to take everything! Everything you own!
[grunting in frustration]
[shattering]
-[rock music playing] -[grunting]
[panting]
[sighs]
-[whimsical music playing] -[thudding]
Loona, honey, wait just a-- Shit.
-[snarls] -Loony, please, can we talk-- Fuck!
[sighs] I mean, wow! A good throw, honey!
-I-I'm so proud of you! -[snarling]
-What's this all about, honey? -[sipping]
[sighs] Oh!
Blitzo finally talked to her about her attitude with clients.
[Loona snarling]
I just think some small tweaks might help you
be more of a, uh, people person, you know?
I am a people person.
If I'm so terrible, how about you just grow a pair and replace me?
Okay, well, maybe I... maybe I might.
What?
Maybe I will, little missy!
Yeah, that's right! It's tough love time!
So now you can go to your desk!
[growling]
[groans]
[intriguing music playing]
[Moxxie] Sir, if I may say so,
you're doing the right thing.
If we can't even hire a cheerful, qualified receptionist,
how can people trust us to massacre and mutilate their enemies for them?
It's good for business.
♪ ♪
Take me to see the stars.
[dramatic music playing]
Um, sir?
The fuck?
♪ ♪
Loona!
[Loona] Oh, yeah. You have a visitor.
[upbeat music playing]
[Octavia] Where am I?
[someone retching]
[yells]
♪ ♪
-Oh. Whoa! -Hey! This is my territory, bitch!
Take your shitty costume
-and get the fuck off my corner! -[yells]
-[tires screeching] -[horns honking]
[crowd] Protest! Protest! Protest!
[yells]
[panting]
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
What the fuck am I supposed to tell Stolas?!
Well, he seems to like you, sir.
Maybe he would understand if--
Okay, my dick is good,
but it is not that good, Moxxie.
Sir, I don't think we really have a choice.
So, what, you want me to just call him up and be like, "Hey, Stolas..."
So, your daughter came by, took your book,
and teleported off to who the fuck knows where.
We have no way of getting either of them back!
Okay?! Okay!
Good talk. Bye.
Oh, that actually went better than I thought.
Blitzo!
-[birds chirping] -Hey. Do...
Can you h... H-How do I get...
I-I-- 'Scuse me, I just need to know where I can...
see the stars.
[groaning]
[bus brakes hiss]
[gasps] Yes.
[Stolas] How could this happen?
Do you just let anyone waltz into your office
and grab infinitely powerful artifacts?
Why would she do this?
How are we supposed to find her? Where would she go?
[sniffing]
Well, it reeks of urine and desperation, so...
[sniffs]
[groans] L.A.
What?
All right, Loona, let's make this quick.
In and out before anyone notices us here.
-[gunfire, screaming] -Oh, this doesn't look
much different from Hell.
All right, now let's get to work.
Loony, sniff.
How am I supposed to smell anything in this city?
Can't you even do one thing right?
Can't you finally do something about how fat you are?
I'm not.
You know, it wouldn't kill you to put a salad in your body every now and then.
What?
But I'm not fat!
Now, first things first, if we're gonna do this
the old-fashioned way, we're gonna need disguises.
[mystical music playing]
[clapping]
No chance you can conjure us a couple of those, can ya?
Sadly, no.
I'm afraid, without my grimoire,
my powers are just a tad limited in the human world.
What, you can't memorize your fuckin' spells?
Oh, your memory's so great?
What's his phone number?
Fuck you.
Exactly.
[upbeat music playing]
Hey, little man. How about you check out this demo right here?
This is premium, grade A fire right here!
Perfect for you to crank with the little lady.
Oh, wow. You made this?
Thank you!
Wait, hey, hey, hey! Hold up a sec.
You just gonna grab it and go?
He said thank you.
[Roblogs] Twenty bucks, man.
Millie! We need money to pay this talented artist!
You can just give it back, Mox.
[gasps]
Millie!
These artists put their heart and soul into their work.
I can't just give it back like it's worthless.
[snarling]
It probably is.
Sick demon costume, man!
It's metal as fuck!
I have an ide-- Whoa!
Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Hey, come back here! [grunts]
I have an idea!
[brakes hiss]
[Octavia groaning]
And to your left, you'll see the home of one of those influencers
who thinks they're hot shit 'cause now they do TV shows!
[tires screeching]
[smooching]
[groaning]
[cackles]
So?
[squeals] Look, everyone!
It's Hollywood star Brennon Ragers!
The fuck is a Brendon Rage-- Oh.
Oh, dear.
-[clamoring] -[Blitzo shouts]
-[shouts] Get the fuck off of me! -Please, please, please, can I get a selfie?!
-Please? -Millie!
Where are you and your whore bag husband?!
[Moxxie and Millie] ♪ You're my lovely ♪
♪ little monster ♪
♪ and I'll never say goodbye ♪
♪ I will kill for you ♪
♪ until the day ♪
♪ we die ♪♪
[cheering, applause]
And here you are, my fellow troubadour.
Whatever, man. Get the fuck out of here.
You're cramping my business.
Come on, babe! We have to catch up to Blitzo before--
'Ey! Want to buy some art?
What? Yes!
-[clamoring] -[Blitzo] I'm taking this out
-of their pay! -[tires screeching]
-[whistle blowing] -[groaning]
Mr. Ragers, we've been looking for you everywhere.
You were supposed to be on set an hour ago!
The fuck are you talking about?
Your guest spot on...
Sweetie! I'm in the House!!
We're taping tonight. Now hurry up and get in the car.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not going anywhere with you, jizz biscuit.
Very funny, Mr. Ragers.
Now get in the car.
Psst, psst, psst, psst, psst. Come-come on, boy. Come on.
-Get your fucking hands off me! -[gasping]
Loona! Stolas! A little help here?!
[clamoring]
Excuse me, sir.
I'm Mr. Ragers' agent.
And I don't believe you can just--
Oh, you are strong.
-[groans] -[snarls]
Blitzo, we don't have time for this.
Via could be anywhere.
She could be in danger.
Don't worry. I'm on it.
[crowd clamoring]
Loony, go find Via!
We'll catch up soon!
Yeah!
Way to be a team player, sweetie!
She's in great hands.
[rock music playing]
[squeaking]
[growling]
[choking]
[grunting]
Let's get him ready. He's on in five.
What? Five what?
I-I can't be on a sitcom.
[yells]
Should've had an ego crisis before signing the contract.
[stammers] Whoa, I don't even know the fucking lines, idiot.
Well, that's why God invented teleprompters.
[electrical buzzing and crackling]
Shouldn't he rehearse or something?
No can do. We're live in ten,
-nine, eight, seven, six... -Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.
-I-I-I can't do this. No, not again. -...five, four, three, two,
-one! -I-I haven't performed since--
Blitzo, if your performance onstage is half as good as it is in bed,
-you'll leave them breathless. -[gulps]
Now hurry up and wow them so we can get back to finding Via.
Break a leg, darling!
[producer] Action!
[upbeat music playing]
Well, if it isn't our neighbor Ronnie.
You feel that earthquake earlier?
[whispers] Say something.
Oh, yeah-yeah!
That was just my wife rolling out of bed.
[laughter]
[soaring music playing]
Uh... yeah.
Yeah, and then that bitch hit her head on the way down and shattered her skull!
[snorts]
There was blood everywhere.
-Peed her pants! -[giggling]
[laughter]
[gulping]
["I Like It" playing]
♪ Don't want to do what my daddy told me to ♪
♪ On the edge, trying to see ♪
-♪ a brand-new view ♪ -[yips]
♪ Whoa, and I like it ♪
♪ Sick and tired of just wasting all my time ♪
♪ Feeling wired, gonna go commit a crime ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ And I like it ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, no ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
♪ And I like it ♪
♪ Want to see the sights ♪
♪ be a troublemaker ♪
♪ turn off the lights ♪
♪ get in a fight, prove 'em wrong ♪
♪ I'm not a faker ♪
♪ I'm a product of a broken home ♪
♪ I know that I can make it on my own ♪
♪ A story I will write and going off the radar ♪
♪ And I like it ♪♪
[soft groaning]
-[breathing heavily] -[rattling]
[Blitzo] Oh, Uggie. You've gone and done it again.
-That's the fifth couch this year. -[panting]
[electrical crackling]
-[snoring] -[scattered chuckles]
[laughing maniacally]
-[chokes] -[Blitzo] You know, maybe it's about time
I found you a new home.
One that can put up with your attitude.
I can take him, Mr. Ronnie!
I'd be happy to adopt old Uggie and give him the attention he needs.
-[birds chirping] -[audience] Aw.
Yeah.
Yeah, may-may-maybe you should adopt.
[panting]
Aw! They're all so cute.
And they're sad.
Maybe you could adopt this one here.
Quite a strong lad.
He'll be perfect for whatever work you want to use him for.
Ugh. No, I'm not looking for no ugly wonker. [chuckles]
I need something that's more family friendly.
A gift for the wife, huh?
No problem.
We have a nice selection of other hounds.
Who's that?
[Hellhound lady] Oh, her?
-That's just Loona. -[snarling]
What a nightmare.
-Serious attitude problems. -[panting]
She'll be out of our hair next month
-when she ages out. -[whimpers]
Good riddance, if you ask me.
She'll never amount to anything much.
No. No, no, no, you can't have her.
She's mine and I love her!
[audience] Aw.
But, Mr. Ronnie, you gotta let me have the puppy.
-You just gotta. -[hissing]
Don't you touch her, you little anal fissure!
[laughter]
Oh, you think this is funny, assholes?!
She's not fit to be a mother!
I saw her doing lines of coke in her dressing room!
[audience murmuring]
Now, uh... [chuckles] Ronnie,
I think maybe you should--
No! You can't have my baby, bitch!
-I'll never get rid of her! -[audience gasping]
[grunting, yelling]
Pervert! [grunts]
-Get off me! -[yelling]
I'm coming, Blitzo!
'Scuse me. Would you mind? Uh--
-[bell ringing] -[grunts weakly]
[gasping]
[screaming]
-[ominous music playing] -[electrical crackling]
[screaming]
[gasping, yelling]
Let's go find our daughters.
[soaring music playing]
Oh! [giggling]
[fire truck horn blaring in distance]
[crickets chirping]
[somber music playing]
[sniffling, crying]
Hey.
[sniffles] Hey.
H-How did you find me?
Your Sinstagram.
Nice pics, by the way.
[Octavia] Oh. [chuckles] Thanks.
[sniffling]
You okay?
Can't believe I was so stupid.
I spent all day looking for a place where I could see some...
dumb meteor shower.
[crying] And all I get is... this.
Yeah, smog's a bitch.
[snaps]
-[coughing] -You know,
your dad's really worried about you.
Right. That's why you're here instead of him.
He couldn't be bothered to keep his promise,
and now he can't be bothered to come and get me himself.
He'd rather spend his time just screaming at my mum.
Why does he hate her more than he loves me? [sniffles]
[sighs] Sometimes...
sometimes it's not as simple as that.
This kind of shit gets messy.
Everybody's got issues.
Especially dads.
And sometimes they fuck up.
Well... [scoffs] all the time.
That doesn't mean they don't care.
If he cares, where is he?
-He's somewhere down there. -[sniffling]
-He's here? -Looking for you.
I mean...
try to cut your dad some slack.
He may not always get it right, but...
he's trying.
That's more important than you think.
[joints cracking]
You ready to go?
Yeah.
[siren wailing in distance]
Now, if we can just find where...
Loona! Oh, Loona, my sweet baby girl. I'm so sorry.
I'll never replace you, no matter what you--
-[grunting] -[groans, gasps]
You're good.
Dad. I'm so sorry.
I'm just relieved you're okay!
But what would possess you to do such a thing?
You know I haven't taught you spells like this yet.
I just wanted to see the stars you promised.
The stars? [gasps]
Azathoth's tears.
Oh, no!
Oh, my dear, sweet Via, I am so--
I know, Dad. It's okay.
You're here now.
[gentle music playing]
What the fuck is that?
My acting career.
-[fireworks whistling, popping] -[gasps]
Look at that one. Did you see that one?
Now, where the fuck are M and M?
[grunting]
[groans] Art is heavy!
-[cat yowls] -[clattering]
March, mister!
["Til the Day We Die" playing]
♪ You're my pretty ray of hellfire ♪
♪ and you set my soul alight ♪
♪ I'm aflame with love ♪
♪ for you, my dove, you see ♪
[Millie] Hmm. Moxxie.
♪ You're the sweetly rotten pustule ♪
♪ on my heart as it decays ♪
♪ You're the stench of evil ♪
♪ clinging to my every dying day ♪
-♪ You're the melody ♪ -♪ You're the harmony ♪
♪ in every song ♪
♪ You're the reason nothing's ever wrong ♪
♪ You're the first thing that I think of ♪
♪ when I wake anew ♪
♪ to kill again ♪
♪ You're my lovely little monster ♪
♪ and I'll never say goodbye ♪
♪ I will kill for you until the day ♪
♪ we die ♪♪
[neighing]
[whip cracks] ♪