[eerie music playing]
[quirky music playing]
You know, I checked the scale today...
[takes deep breath]
...and it said I lost two pounds this week.
I am not fat!
[grunts, growls]
Ooh, such a fucking asshole.
-That little motherfucker. -[buzzing]
I just want to take my finger and... [incoherent mumbling]
[grunts]
[screaming]
Millie, honey, everything okay?
[hissing]
Yeah. Just...
bumped into an ex.
Oh. Oh.
He just kept going on about how he has money now
and a bright future
-and a bigger cock. -Wait, what?
Every time I see his stupid face,
I can't help it, I just need to...
[screams]
What the fuck is all this noise? I got a client.
Sorry, sir. I'll get this all cleaned-- What is this?
Uh, research. For science.
Just put it back correctly, okay? I alphabetized 'em.
Okay, so let me get this straight,
you don't want us going to Earth at all for this job?
[client] Correct. That will not be necessary.
I'd like to meet you and your whole crew at my estate.
Uh, you want us killing someone in Hell?
'Cause I got to tell you, that ain't exactly our business no more.
[client] I'll tell you all about it when you're here.
It's in regards to a business venture I'm sure will be very worth
your time.
Ooh, how ominous. [chuckles]
Fine, whatever. What's the address?
[client] Transportation has already been
taken care of.
[helicopter flying overhead]
What the fuck is that?
Satan's ass crack.
Enough with the walls shit. We have a door.
[wind whistling]
My research!
[crying]
I.M.P.? Right this way, please.
Uh, sir, what's going on?
No, don't worry. It's just some fancy shmuck from Greed
wanting to do business with us.
Uh, sir, I don't think this is a good idea.
It'll be fine. Now, get your asses moving.
Is this thing safe?
Don't worry. We are professionals.
[mechanical music playing]
Ugh. I hate this place.
Oh, yeah, this is your old stomping ground, isn't it, Mox?
Yeah, unfortunately. I grew up just over there.
Swore I'd never come back, and, uh...
Uh, what-what-- Where-where are we going? What--
Blitzo, who did you say this meeting was with?
I'm not sure.
Just some rich somebody or other who wants to discuss biz at his place.
[ominous music playing]
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
[dramatic music playing]
There he is. There's my boy.
Get over here and give your daddy a hug.
[Blitzo and Millie] Daddy?
I only let Moxxie call me that.
Unless you pay me. [laughing]
Guys, um... [clears throat]
This is my father, Crimson.
Sir, this is my boss, Blitzo. And my--
Millie. I'm his wife.
And what a beautiful wife you are.
Mox, where you been hiding this pretty little thang?
Oh, I'm sure he would've introduced us eventually.
Oh, I'm sure.
You got to be Blitzo with the silent "O."
Right?
I've heard a lot of good things about you and your work.
Really? What kind of shit has Moxxie been spreading about me?
I'll fucking kill you, Moxxie!
Don't you fucking test me!
No, no. From all over.
Looks like you're building a bit of a name for yourself here, kid.
Really? Huh, well, I guess it's about time folks recognized my talent.
[laughing]
I like your attitude.
Well, I hope you're all hungry.
We put together a fabulous dinner for you.
Hey, baby.
Why haven't I met your pa before?
Well, uh, you know, it's-it's-it's just never been, uh--
Hey, you two, move it before it gets cold.
Look, look, Millie, we can talk about it later.
-[tense music playing] -[snaps fingers]
So, Blitzo, you always been a hit man?
Oh, no, not always.
I was in the circus for a long time.
Show business! Good money in that.
What are we doing here, sir?
Moxxie.
I raised you better than that.
You know there's no business before dinner.
Besides, we're still waiting on one more.
-Woo-hoo-hoo! What is up, party people? -[electronic dance music playing]
[Moxxie and Millie] Chaz?! Wait, what?
You know him?
Ugh! You remember that ex I was talking about?
Looks like I have two big sex reunions today.
How lucky am I?
Did you date him, too?
[chuckles] Yeah. No big deal,
but I've usually boned half the people in any room I'm in.
Are you fucking kidding me?
There's someone who's fucked both of you?
It was a long time ago.
But I still remember it like it was yesterday.
You, a fledgling mafioso.
Me, the dashing and extremely sexy muscle.
It was like it was written in the stars.
[laughs] Moxxie in the Mafia. That's fucking rich.
[tense, dramatic music playing]
[knocking on door]
[growls]
Oh, shit.
You've never told me this before.
I-I don't really like to talk about this part of my life, but...
I first saw Chaz
at my induction into the family.
Our eyes met from across the room,
and there was just something about him.
Something that was...
-magnetic. -[gunfire]
[explosions]
[romantic, dramatic music playing]
[explosion]
[doorbell rings]
It's been 84 years.
Isn't that from that boat movie?
Did any of that stuff actually happen?
Oh, yeah. [chuckles]
But he skipped over the jizz-covered parts.
Anyway... things changed
when we went on a heist together.
-[alarm ringing] -[intense music playing]
[whimpers]
-[gunshots] -[siren wailing]
[Blitzo] So, what are you in for?
Okay, not much of a talker, are we?
[grunts] I'm Blitzo. The "O" is silent.
I'm sure we're gonna get along just fine.
So what's your deal? What'd you do? Who'd you diddle?
You look like someone who's good with a gun.
You look like someone who'd shoot up an office, and I hope you are
'cause I got a plan to get us out of this dump,
but I'm gonna need some help. You think you can give me a hand?
I need to get out to my daughter.
The babysitter will kill me if I don't get back soon.
[Blitzo continues talking indistinctly]
Once I got out, I never looked back.
[growling]
Well... [chuckles] like you said,
it was a long time ago.
[growls]
I'll fucking kill you!
[screams] Crazy bitch.
[snarling]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
-Hold on a second. -You're gonna die, bitch.
Dinner is served.
So, this is aggressively uncomfortable.
I suppose you want to know why you're here.
Yeah, so what gives? I mean, you know we kill people on Earth, right?
We don't normally do contracts for locals,
so if you want to do business with us, you got to--
I don't want to do business with I.M.P.
-I want to do business with Moxxie. -Me?!
Yeah, kid.
I summoned I.M.P. to be sure you'd show
because, well...
we're bringing Chaz into the family.
What?
Since when can just anyone join the family?
Come on, Mox.
You had responsibilities here that I had to pick up once you left.
Now Chaz is going to lighten the load.
Wait, I thought you always hated his guts.
Well, I don't know if I exactly hated him.
You called him a "friendless horse fucker" and said we lived a "sissy lifestyle."
Yeah, well, I was wrong.
You've been gone a long time, Mox.
A man can change, and so has Chaz.
Yeah, I've grown, matured,
and recently came into millions.
But, you know, mostly the mature thing.
Oh, okay, okay,
so the horseless friend fucker over here gets a little moola,
and suddenly it's worth wasting our time over?
Well, I'm the whole package, if you know what I mean.
I got a big dick.
What does any of this have to do with Moxxie?
There's gonna be a ceremony tomorrow.
Moxxie here is going to officially release his holdings in the organization.
Then you can get back to ignoring your family to your heart's content.
Maybe he wouldn't ignore his family if they didn't force him
to rub elbows with a no-good, shark-toothed fuck face.
[Crimson] Hey, look, everybody relax.
I know tensions have been high tonight.
Say, why don't you stay here and get some rest?
We'll have the ceremony tomorrow, and then you will be free to leave.
-I have your rooms all prepared. -Yes, sir.
Mox?
A moment, Moxxie.
Just give me a minute, Millie.
I'll be there.
[yowls]
So...
You think you're too good for this family now?
-What? -Come here.
[tense, ominous music playing]
I-I don't understand. [grunts]
You think you're gonna just get to walk away from this family and never come back?
You're dead wrong, Mox!
Matter of fact, the only thing you're right about
is that that obnoxious piss stain can't get made.
Not unless he marries in.
-M-Marries? But-but who would he-- -Who do you think?
This family needs that money,
and it's about time your pathetic ass was useful for something.
Sir, I'm already married. I-I can't--
You think I give a shit about your stupid beard?
Come on, Mox.
I even went through the trouble of making the house more to your kind's liking.
[bouncing, springy sound effects]
[fanfare plays]
Wait, what-what do you think I'm into?
What? This is the kind of shit gays like, right?
Okay, first off, Dad, I'm bisexual.
-Yeah, gay. -Oh, for fuck's sake.
Secondly, I don't know a single person of any sexuality who'd enjoy this.
[Blitzo laughs] There's dicks in the walls.
Oh, that's fucking hilarious.
Look at me, kid.
One way or another, you're gonna do what I fucking say.
Don't cross me.
[slow, tense music playing]
[gunshots]
[suspenseful music playing]
[hisses]
[slap]
[somber music playing]
[door slams]
[hisses]
[tense, suspenseful music playing]
[muffled whimpering]
-[somber music playing] -[muffled whimpering continues]
Let this be a lesson, Moxxie.
This is what happens when you cross me.
[tense, dramatic music playing]
Now, get to bed, Moxxie.
You have a big day tomorrow.
[grunts] Yes, sir.
Oh, and, Mox...
if you ever talk back to me again,
you and that pretty little thing you brought here
are going home in boxes.
-Capisce? -Yes, sir.
[tense, suspenseful music playing]
[bouncing, springy sound effects]
Wait, how come we aren't in--
Crimson wants you all to stay in separate rooms.
Why? Moxxie?
It's just one night, Millie. It's okay.
Mox, are you okay?
I'm fine. Please don't worry, sweetie.
You know you can tell me anything, right?
Yes. Everything's fine.
We're partners, Mox.
[Moxxie] It's just my Dad.
It's okay, really.
It'll be over tomorrow.
Okay. I love you.
I love you, too. Good night.
-What the-- Fucking why? -[electronic dance music playing]
[music stops]
[pensive music playing]
-Like what I've done with the place? -[sultry music playing]
Ugh. Just get out of here.
Come on, Mox.
We used to have so much fun here, remember?
-[grunts] -I'm married, Chaz,
and even if I weren't, I would never--
Never what?
Let me take you to come town again?
You are so gross.
Just leave me alone.
I know what you want most, Moxxie Poxxie.
How about a sexually charged...
♪ musical number? ♪
♪ Hey ♪♪
You always loved those.
[sultry music playing]
♪ Whoa, whoa, ooh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ It's Chaz time ♪
♪ Moxxie, I see you looking at me looking at you ♪
♪ wondering when I'm gonna crack you open like a walnut ♪
♪ And the answer is soon ♪
-[inhales deeply, exhales] -[deep voice] Walnut.
♪ Now, I'm feeling what you're feeling and I'm feeling that you want to feel ♪
♪ my feelings and feel-- the feel-- you feel me? ♪
[deep voice] Saxophone.
♪ Yeah, so let me get a little something off my chest ♪
♪ while I blow a hot, emotional load onto yours ♪
♪ Moxxie, feeling foxy, want to get a good taste of your boxy ♪
♪ Well, I got two tickets to pleasure land ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Come down here and have your way, yeah ♪
♪ You want me ♪
♪ With my sensual body, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ So naughty ♪♪
[whimpers]
[sniffles]
[knock on door]
[gasps] Moxxie?
What do you want?
-[sultry music playing] -Ow.
-♪ Whoa, whoa ♪♪ -[snarls]
-[record scratches] -Damn it.
This usually works.
Hey, there, good-looking.
Oh, I was wondering how long it would take for you to make a pass.
Mm, does that mean you're down to clown?
Ew, what the-- You think I would violate
my friends' trust by sleeping with their ex?
Especially one who fucked them over the way you did?
I'll show you all the things they liked in the sack.
Deal.
-[bed squeaking] -[Chaz and Blitzo moaning]
[Blitzo] Chill the fuck out!
[tense, dramatic music playing]
[growls]
[Chaz snoring]
-[intriguing music playing] -[Chaz muttering indistinctly]
Hmm. Okay, fucker, nobody who's that bad in bed can score two hotties that easily.
I know you got to be hiding something.
[Chaz snoring, muttering quietly]
[car alarm chirps]
Oh, fuck that. No one fucks with M and M's marriage but me. Ow!
-[groans] -Sorry, babe.
You aren't the only junk in my trunk. [chuckles]
Damn it. That is not a good one.
Hey, hey, the man of the hour. You ready to get started?
Wait, where's Blitzo?
I think I saw him head outside.
He said something about "needing some fresh air."
Or something. [scoffs]
Why don't you grab him so we can get moving?
Be right back, baby.
What you looking so glum for, kid?
It's your wedding day.
Best day of your life.
I'm not doing it.
What was that?
I couldn't make it out over the sound of you being a whiny bitch.
I said I'm not doing it, sir.
I've spent my whole life being afraid of you,
but I'm not giving up the only good thing I've ever had
just so you can keep your fragile little sense of control over everything.
Millie is a good woman, a better woman than I deserve,
and there's nothing that scares me more than hurting her.
Not even you.
I'm leaving, Dad, and if you or Herpes the Clown over here...
-Hey. -...try to stop me, you'll learn firsthand
just how good I've gotten at my job.
-[grunting] -[electrical crackling]
Now take care of the others.
[rattling]
Oh, Millie, you found me. Who's your friend?
Friend?
[somber organ music playing]
[growling]
Is everyone here?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't worry about it. Let's get this thing rolling, eh?
Aw. You told me all the chairs would be filled.
[groans]
[bouncing, springy sound effects]
-Satisfied? -[chuckles] Fuck yes.
What is going on?
That seductive dick hole is trying to marry Moxxie,
-and he's not even rich. -Moxxie!
Do you, Chazwick Thurman, take Moxxie "No Last Name"
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Oh, yeah.
And do you, Moxxie... whatever...
take Chazwick Thurman to be your lawfully wedded, uh...
Look at that. He's just so fucking happy to be here.
Everything's locked down. How are we gonna get in?
[engine starts]
[cycling through radio stations]
[Until Further Notice sings "Crashin' a Muthafuckin' Wedding"]
Buckle up, Millie. We're doing a Shrek.
[tires squealing]
♪ Ooh ♪
I object!
If you want my husband, you're gonna have to fucking kill me.
[snaps fingers]
♪ Oh, I ain't a stranger to your thorns ♪
♪ Think I'm a damsel, now you get the horns ♪
♪ Lay low, my dear, I'll get you out of here ♪
♪ I ain't a damsel, I'll make that clear ♪
♪ She'll make that clear ♪
♪ Just try to stop the reckoning that's coming ♪
♪ Lay down your head, boy...
What the fuck? She's a dame!
She's a broad! Kill her!
♪ Think fast 'cause mama's gonna tear out your heart...
[Crimson] You freaking goons!
What the fuck is the matter with you?
Why do I pay you?
Get her! You stupid idiots, go get her!
♪ Giddyap, little bitch boy, you're dead ♪
♪ You tried to take him like you didn't know ♪
♪ he was mine and taken, now reap what you sow ♪
♪ You tried to take him like you didn't know ♪
♪ he was mine and taken, now reap what you sow ♪♪
-[grunts] -[song ends]
Hey. What about my-- [choking]
This ass is mine.
By the way, y'all should probably know, Chaz isn't even rich, okay?
Check his car. He just played you like a fucking rube.
[chuckles] Later, losers.
[choking]
[chuckles awkwardly]
[quirky music playing]
Millie, thank you for saving me.
-[explosion] -You're amazing.
Next time, just tell me if your daddy's a psychopath.
I can handle it.
Well, I'm glad everything ended up okay.
Good to know we both have daddy issues, Mox.
Also, I got to plow your ex-boyfriend. Isn't that great?
Now we all fucked the same guy.
[dramatic music playing]
[growls]
[Eric Schwartz sings "Chaz Time"]
♪ I see that look that's in your eyes ♪
♪ Don't taunt me ♪
♪ You're staring down at my wet, sweaty thighs ♪
♪ Lower body ♪
♪ And it comes as no surprise ♪
♪ Let your groin arise ♪
♪ The loins' desire never lies ♪
♪ Yeah, it's Chaz time ♪
♪ Stop it, keep going, baby, uh, stop it ♪
♪ You really want it, you want to take me on ♪
♪ Ow, ow, ow ♪
♪ You want it bad ♪
♪ You want to be bad with a bad boy ♪
[moaning]
♪ Don't look at me, don't look at me ♪
♪ Don't look at me, don't look at me, don't look at me ♪
♪ Ah, yeah ♪ [screams, moans]
♪ I'm finished ♪♪
[neighing]
[whip cracks] ed ♪♪