[intriguing music playing]
[humming a tune]
[elevator bell dings]
[whimsical music playing]
Howdy, mister.
Fine morning.
Another day in paradise.
Oh, shit, it's morning.
Uh, yeah.
Have you been here all night?
And what are you doing?
Blitzo bought 200 taxidermy owls,
then said I couldn't go home until I burned...
[whispers] all of them.
[knocking]
Hey! I got an order here
for a hundred more wacky owls.
Fuck.
Hey, I haven't seen you guys in a while. [chuckles]
Do you, like, want to hang out some--
Okay. That answers that, I say, I say.
Blitzo is still sulking?
It's been over a month.
And where is Moxxie?
He didn't come home last night.
[Moxxie screeches]
Honey?
You okay?
I'm stuck in a math nightmare!
[hyperventilating]
The numbers, the numbers-- I can't make them add up.
We're fucked!
Come on, baby.
It can't be that bad.
He drained our pension and used it to buy these!
[horse whinnies]
Damn.
I've never seen him in such bad shape.
Bad? Bad?
This isn't bad.
This is just a financial apocalypse!
I usually just give him space to work his shit out, but…
you think I should talk to him?
We're gonna get audited, we're gonna be evicted, we're going bankrupt!
Our lives are over, Millie.
All my hard work gone in a flash.
Oh, I should've been a theater critic. I have objectively correct opinions.
[stammering] We-We're gonna default.
[Blitzo] Loona, I need my piss bucket now!
[Moxxie] It's not my fault that we're gonna default. It's his fault.
[Bethany] Ooh, oh, okay.
I am getting a real sexy energy
from this room.
Oh, there is definitely a fuckable spirit here.
Yeah, get that spooky ghoul cock, bitch.
[Millie] Blitzo?
Go away!
[Millie] I'm coming in.
Read the chains.
Blitzo, what are you doing?
You've been in here watching this earth trash forever.
I'm coping!
Yeah, well...
you've coped away every dollar we had.
Those plates are collectables, Millie. I'm gonna sell 'em next year
for three times as much and then I'll have something to show for it
when the things I care about vanish.
M'kay.
You know, my mama always said
the best way to deal with being sad
is the sweat and blood of hard work.
Washes the tears right off.
I don't need any of your folksy-doksy fucking country wisdom, Millie.
I need to watch the Ghostfuckers
get dicked down by a disembodied spirit
and eat my feelings till I die from a heart attack or diabetes,
whichever pops my heart open first.
I don't get it, Blitzo.
All this over a breakup?
It was not a breakup.
You need a relationship for one of those,
and we never had that.
And we never will.
Oh, Blitzo.
-[phone ringing] -What?
-We have a client. -[Blitzo] Tell them
-to fuck off! -Don't!
I'll be right there.
[Rita] You know, my psychic told me
I'd be going somewhere bad on Wednesday.
I just thought she meant Baltimore.
I didn't think it was Hell!
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, interesting.
Oh, look. Someone whose job it is to listen to you.
What's going on?
Okay. From the top.
I went for my usual tarot reading last week, and--
No, no. Fast-forward to who killed you.
Oh. Okay.
Yesterday I was killed by
the evil ghost haunting a spooky hotel.
Um...
ma'am.
I don't know how to tell you this, but...
when humans die
they either end up here…
or up there.
Oh... okay.
I don't understand.
She's saying ghosts aren't real, lady.
Ghost? I heard ghost.
Where's the ghost I can fuck? Er, hunt?
Blitzo, calm down. Someone killed this lady, but it wasn't--
-Millie! Let me have this. -But--
[sighs]
All right, so tell me what it looked like, starting with its hotness and tightness.
How many-how many abs would you say you witnessed?
Well, at least he's out of his office.
I don't know if this is a good idea.
He'll be fine.
We'll check the place out, see what passes on Earth for creepy,
and Blitzo will get all this out of his system.
You just need to keep an eye on Moxxie. He's a little...
Bankruptcy! Bankruptcy!
Bankruptcy!
…upsety.
I don't take orders from you, grandma.
Look,
I can't keep both of them out of trouble at the same time.
I need your help.
Please?
Get in, loser. We're going ghostfuckin'.
Ugh, fine. I'll watch the nerd.
But you're the one cleaning off the van.
Thanks... Loona.
Don't get used to it.
[exciting music playing]
Let's gape this hole wide open.
[crash]
[weakly] We're here.
Ah, interesting. Aren't we supposed to be at a haunted hotel?
[chuckles] Oh, yeah, this place is gonna be ripe with fuckable spirits.
-I got to get a reading. -Blitzo, look.
I know this is fun and all,
but come back to reality.
You do know ghosts aren't real, right?
-But they are. -Oh, my fucking Satan.
-What is that? -You like it?
It's Bethany Ghostfucker's Ghostsucker 9000.
Sure to get you a ghost after a ghost gets you… off.
Only set me back a couple thousand.
A couple what?!
You haven't paid me in a month.
Uh-oh! Looks like it sucked all the fun out of you.
Now hurry up and put this on. Those ghosts aren't gonna fuck themselves.
He needs this. He needs this.
He needs this.
Welcome to the One Star Wonder,
where it's a wonder we still have that star.
How may I help you today?
[Valley accent] We're filming a very special episode of my hit show
and we're gonna need access to every room in this dump.
Christ, you Hollywood assholes are pushy little pricks.
I can't just give you keys to every ba--
Well, snap me in half.
You're Bethany Ghostfucker from that one show…
It's called Ghostfuckers, idiot.
No, but you're getting close.
Anyway, I am glad to see you folks.
We've been having more
disturbances than usual lately.
What kind? Se-Sexy disturbances?
The kind that are killing my guests.
[woman screams]
Well there definitely ain't no such thing as ghosts.
But we'll get to the bottom of what's killing your guests.
Uh, yeah, except ghosts are real, cameraman.
They're a conspiracy, Bethany.
Uh, then what do I plan on fucking tonight, cameraman?
Aah! Where's my lube?
Look, real or not, this shit needs to stop.
Uh, then we'll need those keys, cocksucker.
Every last one of them, keys and condoms, hand 'em over.
Oh, I just can't tell you
how glad I'll be to be rid of them.
Just do me a flavor and clean up any fluids left behind.
They already killed my last cleaning lady.
Now I'm stuck with this.
[wheezing]
[both] Ugh.
Buh... buh...
bitch. Bitch!
Poor thing can't even blink.
No promises. [short chuckle]
Come along, Mil… ton.
-Blitzo, we have a job to do. -[phone ringing]
Someone killed that lady, and it wasn't no phantom.
So we should be tracking--
[regular accent] Whoa, Mils, just 'cause you're a hick
does not mean you can drop that f-bomb all willy-nilly.
They hate that word.
I-- What? What "F"?
[tuts] Shut your bigot mouth. I'm getting a reading.
Hold on, there might be someone in there.
Yeah, you bet your ass there's someone in there.
A ghost, about to get a mouthful of se... se...
I-I don't know, something sexual!
Look alive, you undead cock sleeve!
-[exclaims] -[shrieks]
[Valley accent] Prepare to get sucked off
to the astral plane, bitch!
Oh, my! Delores!
Damn it, Blitzo, they aren't ghosts.
These are just shriveled humans.
No offense.
Think you're pretty slick, huh?
You looking for a fight?
I'll give you a fight.
[sighs] Let's leave these two-- Oof!
I fucking beat the Nazis,
and I'll beat you too, bitch!
[regular accent] Look out, Millie, he's a patriot!
Get him, Harold!
Get back here, you red little shit!
Get back here! Aah.
[funky music playing]
How dare you hurt my Hermie--
I mean Humie-- I mean-- Fuck.
-♪ I've got longing and desire ♪ -Why am I chasing you, again?
-♪ My heart burns ♪ -I don't know, but I'm fucking...
♪ with forbidden fire ♪
♪ for a spooky ♪
♪ a spooky kind ♪
♪ of love ♪
♪ Nobody tries to understand it ♪
♪ But I can feel my soul demand it ♪
♪ a spooky ♪
♪ a spooky kind of love...
Whoa, whoa!
-♪ And I don't care ♪ -♪ I don't care ♪
♪ what they say about me ♪
-♪ I don't care ♪ -♪ I don't care ♪
♪ I just got to be free ♪
♪ To run, run, run, run, run ♪
♪ Free to run, run, run, run, run ♪
♪ Free to run, run, run, run into the arms of ♪
♪ a spooky ♪
-♪ a spooky kind of love ♪ -♪ A spooky, run, run, run, run, run ♪
-♪ A spooky kind of love ♪ -♪ A spooky, run, run, run, run, run ♪
♪ A spooky kind of love ♪♪
[Blitzo] Wow, nice one, Mils.
I think I found the problem, though.
The readings were coming from above us,
so let's get up there and-- Oh! Ass.
-Enough! -What?
I'm done.
I don't want to play ghost hunter with you, and I--
Uh, It's Ghostfuckers.
I wasn't done!
You know, I always love to have fun with you,
and I ain't said boo to you moping around
like a sad sack for weeks.
But we have bills to pay. So, look,
you can go be pathetic and play
sex ghosts if that's what you need to do,
but I got to get this job done.
Fine! Who needs you, anyway?
[Valley accent] Bethany Ghostfucker works alone.
[regular accent] Yeah, who needs you anyway?
Fucking ghost-denying piece of shit!
Fuck is this?
[eerie music playing]
[grunting]
Ugh. Oh!
Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Satan, Satan, Satan. Oh, fuck!
Millie?
Aah! [panting]
Millie? Millie, I need help!
I can't hold on, Millie!
Oh. Oh fuck me, the hell is that?
W-Whoa!
[screams]
Millie! Did you not hear me calling for help?
M-Mils.
[Millie, distorted] You always need help, Blitzo.
Always needing to take from those around you
and leaving them worse and more broken than you found them.
You think you can change?
You'll never stop fucking people's lives up.
When was the last time you actually
loved someone without hurting them?
[panting]
Mom!
Mama.
I was having the worst dream.
[sobbing]
[distorted] This isn't a dream,
this is your life.
And it always will be.
No! No, no, no! Mom, I'm sorry!
Mom, please!
[muffled] I'm sorry!
Blitzo?
-Blitzo! -[Blitzo crying]
Are you okay? What happened?
No, no, don't touch me!
I destroy everything, everyone!
I make everyone's lives worse.
Not mine. Blitzo.
Remember how we met?
What?
[sinister music playing]
So...
you the bitch that took our hit?
You looking for payback?
If so, you came to the wrong fucking bar!
[grunting]
Whoa!
Nice shot!
I can see why Moxxie was so impressed with you.
[growls]
-[grunting] -[exclaiming]
Impressive.
Who's that? Your boss? [yells]
Ow!
Ha! He fucking wishes.
No, I work for myself, lady.
[grunting]
-Nice one. -Bullshit.
Who sent you?
Who are you working for?
What? You don't believe me?
Imps don't work for themselves, asshole!
Well, this one does, and he's very interested
-in having you join his team. -[grunts]
You think you have anything to offer me?
Double whatever you're getting paid now.
[laughs]
I'm between jobs. [yells]
[yells, scoffs]
This powerhouse? How'd that happen?
Not exactly a shortage of imp assassins in Wrath.
Reputation is everything.
And what's your reputation, hmm?
[grunting]
Who the fuck are you?
Someone with an eye for potential.
Now, you want to keep working for peanuts
or do you want to shake things up?
You're fucking weird. I'm in.
So, who's that Moxxie guy you mentioned?
Oh, your new coworker.
-Yeah, you'll-you'll fucking hate him. -[patrons groaning]
[Millie] That year I spent getting to know your ragtag team
and making our mark in the assassin game--
it was fun.
Welcome to IMP.
[gasps] Holy shit!
Sir, what is this?
This baby right here is our future, 'kay?
So I figured we deserve an upgrade, right?
New office, new clients, new ring.
Go on, check it out.
What, not nice enough for you?
I did the fucking best I could.
We… [soft chuckle]
-We don't deserve this. -Huh?
We're just Wrathians, Blitzo. Muscle.
It's all we're good for. All I'm good for.
It's why you hired me.
Any demon good at making a buck
is welcome in Lust or Greed, but here?
Demons like us ain't cut out for this.
-Um, fuck you. -What?
Millie, I have spent too much of my time, energy, and holes
into setting this up for us to entertain your bullshit.
I brought you into this company for a reason, okay?
You're tougher, smarter
and, frankly, more capable than anyone I've ever met in any ring.
And I'm more fuckable and business-savvy than any succu-bitch alive,
Loonie's perfect, and Moxxie's…
probably got some good traits too
and I'm sure we'll figure them out eventually.
The point is, if we can't make it here, then...
then no one deserves to, right?
'Kay? So stop killing my buzz and come on,
I want to show you my office. [chuckles]
[Millie] Most of my life, I bought into the idea
that all I could ever be was a simple farm girl.
Or, at best, an underpaid goon.
Until I met some knucklehead who never gave a fuck about
what anyone else said he could or couldn't be.
He made me believe
he could be anything.
And that made me feel like I could be anything, too.
He gave me so much.
A career, a husband, a future.
And now...
He's my best friend.
You… you don't hate me?
Naw. Never.
[gentle music playing]
Look.
What I said earlier--
you've just always been so unbothered by everything.
Almost bulletproof. And I guess I never realized
how much I depended on that.
I didn't know how to react to you
being reduced to… Bethany.
But I should have respected you like
you always do for me.
I'm sorry.
Better?
-Much. -Good.
Now, you ready to finish this thing?
Yeah!
But we still don't even know what this thing is.
Come on, Blitzo.
What's the only thing you know that comes to Earth
and fucks with people's minds that badly?
I don't know. Uh, something that, like, an infestor demon would do.
-Oh. -Bingo.
[Rolando] So, figured it out,
have you?
A bit out of your depth,
aren't you, little ones?
[cackles]
Damn our tiny fucking legs.
[Rolando] You know my secret.
I guess you got to die
like all the rest!
[grunts, coughs]
[suspenseful music playing]
Oh, this is fun.
[cackles]
Attagirl, Mils!
No, thattabitch!
[cackling]
You call yourselves assassins.
Eenie,
meenie,
miny…
...mo.
Welcome to the show,
asshole.
I hear this one's a real titillator.
[ominous music playing]
♪ ♪
Blitzo!
Looks like someone's
trying to ruin our good time.
That was a nice heart-to-heart y'all had earlier.
Be a shame if you went and ruined it
like you always do.
[cackling]
Are you okay? Aah!
[distorted] Oh, the filthy little Wrathian
wants to help.
You can't help anyone. You're just the muscle, remember?
It's all you and your imp kind are good for,
you said it yourself.
I'm in his mind, bitch. I see everything.
Every thought, every opinion.
And, boy,
does he have some nasty shit
to say about you.
[cackling]
No! Stop!
Your level of insecurity is intoxicating.
I can't wait to see how you taste
when you drive away the one person left
who puts up with your bullshit.
He thinks you're a brute.
Too stupid to do anything but kill.
You never should have left the farm!
You're nothing but a backwards,
filthy, inbred, lowborn
fucking hick!
-You done? -Excuse me?
Nobody cares about you or what you want.
They're too caught up in their own misery
to even remember you exist.
Now look here, combover.
You may think you know everything, but you missed two.
One: your words don't mean shit to me.
And two: Blitzo can handle this!
So buckle up, buttercup.
[groans]
[regular voice] Good work Mils. Oh!
Oh, fuck! It's me!
Oh. Shit, sorry. [chuckles]
Good to have you back, boss.
You little ass plugs are done for.
You're dead, Bethany.
[Blitzo] Well, that's where you're wrong.
I ain't Bethany Ghostfucker.
Tonight I'm Blitzo Demon-Dicker!
[screaming]
And that's how you get
ghostfucked!
Let's go home.
Yeah, fuck hotels.
[peaceful music playing]
So, I'm your best friend, huh?
What do you think?
I think…
I-I've never had a real friend that I didn't want to fuck.
That mean you're not gonna try
to be our third anymore?
No.
Not anymore.
The bird got to you that bad, huh?
I guess.
So, you gonna keep stalking us all the time?
Well you know, your husband is still a little fuckable.
Yeah, he is.
I hope he's doing okay.
I did it?
I did it!
I finally figured it out!
You, uh, you forgot to carry the two, there.
[narrator] Now,
back to Ghostfuckers:
-The Musical! -[gasps]
["I Wanna Fuck a Ghost" playing]
[man] Bethany! This is it!
Let the spirits fill you!
[Bethany] Oh, my God, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna fuck a ghost.
♪ My spirit box is humming hot ♪
♪ Dripping down my thigh ♪
♪ The portal gapes, my body aches ♪
♪ Come on, ghost, give me a try ♪
♪ I'm ready ♪
♪ I wanna fuck a ghost ♪
[man] Bethany, the spectrometer's going crazy.
This ghost has huge dead dick energy.
[Bethany] Hot!
♪ You can take me from beyond ♪
♪ Let me taste your ectoplasm ♪
♪ I want the dick that no one gets ♪
♪ Make me polter-gasm ♪
♪ I'm ready ♪
♪ I wanna fuck a ghost ♪
[ghosts] ♪ She's ready ♪
♪ She wants to fuck a ghost ♪
[Bethany] ♪ 'Cause we're ghostfuckers ♪
♪ We love fucking ghosts ♪
♪ Yeah, we're ghostfuckers ♪
♪ They're really dead ♪
♪ and we're really horny ♪
♪ No silly laws of God or man ♪
♪ can keep us from our sexy plan ♪
♪ To summon up a spectral slut ♪
♪ We can't wait to ghost-bust a nut ♪
♪ I'm ready ♪
♪ I wanna fuck a ghost ♪
-♪ Yeah, I do, I'm ready ♪ -♪ Oh, she's ready ♪
-♪ I wanna fuck a ♪ -♪ She wants to fuck a ♪
-♪ Yeah, I wanna fuck a ♪ -♪ ghost ♪
-♪ Yeah, I wanna fuck a ♪ -♪ Yeah, she wants to fuck a ♪
-♪ I wanna fuck a ♪ -♪ She wants to fuck a ♪
-♪ Yeah, I wanna fuck a ♪ -♪ Yeah, she wants to fuck a ♪
-♪ Oh, I wanna fuck a ♪ -♪ Oh, she wants to fuck a ♪
-♪ Yeah, I wanna fuck a... -♪ Yeah, she wants to fuck a...
[Bethany] Oh, God! Oh, my God, that was way too cold. I totally regret it.
But hot.
[ghosts] ♪ Oh, yeah, she fucked a ghost ♪♪
[neighing]
[whip cracks] h, yeah, she fucked a ghost ♪♪