[♪ Bournemouth Symphony Chorus: “Carmina Burana”]
[music continues]
[motorcycle revving]
[woman screaming]
[man screaming]
[siren wailing]
-Stop it! -[man] Dude, how sick is this?
[laughs]
[loud thud]
[boy 1] We're gonna die! We're gonna die!
[tires screeching]
Oh, mama!
[dramatic thud]
[birds chirping]
-[lacrosse ball thump] -[kids screaming]
[upbeat music]
[player] Pass the ball!
[upbeat music continues]
All right, guys, bring it in.
All right, come on, come on, come on,
Get in here. Huddle up.
We got a minute left here, okay? We are tied up.
Lucas, whe--where are you?
-Lucas, where are you? -I'm right here, Dad.
-Go, Lucas! -Get in here.
-You're on the team. Let's go. -[audience] Come on.
You're kidding. He sucks.
Nobody covered him in the second quarter.
I'm getting triple teamed out there.
Well, you know what? Then I'll tell you what. Um--
[kid 1] Dude, have you even played lacrosse?
[kid 2] Just cold play, loser.
Okay, fine. You know what-- that's a play.
We're gonna get the ball to Lucas.
-[kid] What, are you high? -Yes, that's the plan.
Lucas, you're gonna take the shot.
We're gonna win this thing, okay?
Let's get in there. What do you say?
-[kid] I say we're gonna lose. -I don't care.
Let's win this thing as a team, guys.
-This is bullshit. -Let's go, guys.
Let's go. We are heroes.
Dad, are you sure about this?
I mean, everyone's just gonna be pissed off at me
if I mess this up.
Maybe I should just go sit on the bench.
Sit on the bench?
Buddy, you are set up for the hero moment.
When we watch those sports movies,
and it comes down to those final few seconds,
and everything turns to slow motion,
that's where the hero emerges.
-[slow motion] Whoa! -[giggles]
Everything slows down, and they make the shot,
and it's victory!
And they throw 'em on their shoulders,
and they're going crazy.
The girls are gonna be “Lucas, Lucas!”
-[chuckles] -That's how we win.
-All right. -All right?
-Let's do it. -Let's make it happen.
I love you, Dad.
Okay, sshh. Hey, maybe lower.
This, this is sports. We don't--
we kind of-- it's already assumed.
It's assumed.
[whistle blows]
Lucas!
[upbeat, suspenseful music]
All right, please, yes.
Oh, please.
Please, God. Please.
-[ball plops] -Yes!
[shrieks] Oh, my God!
Lucas, go!
-[excited screaming] -[kid] Eye of the tiger!
What the hell is he doing?
Why is he moving in slow motion?
I might have told him to.
[players screaming]
[groans]
No! He had no right!
-No way! -[kid] You suck, Lucas.
[Brian] You're okay. He's okay.
You just got the wind knocked out of ya.
He got the wind knocked out of him.
He's fine. Gonna come back quick.
[weakly] Help me. [coughs]
Maybe lacrosse isn't his thing?
I mean, maybe he's just not a sports kind of kid at all.
[ping sound]
♪ Four leaf clover won't you come over ♪
♪ Baby, give me a chance ♪
Look, playing a sport is important to him.
I mean, this is all I know.
This is what I did.
I--I connected with my father through sports.
Oh, honey, I know this whole new stepdad thing can't be easy
and I love that you're trying so hard to connect with him.
I really, I really am.
You and Lucas will find your thing too,
but you just gotta give it time.
You can't force it.
Come here. I love you.
I love you.
Yo, Hunt. We'll get ‘em next time, huh, bro?
Don't call me “bro,” dude.
Don't call me “dude,” son.
Don't call me “son,” bitch.
-I'm not a bitch, you're a-- -Oh my God, stop.
You okay?
Yeah, fine, it's just...
By the way, how long does it take Lucas to take a leak?
Oh, can you check on him for me?
He gets bladder shy.
Yeah.
-[mean kids laughing] -[door closes]
Oh, shit. It's Pukas.
What's up, Pukas?
[Lucas] Look, I'm sorry if I did anything to piss you guys off.
Honestly, I--I just want it to be cool between us.
[Kurt] Oh, shit.
Hey! Don't touch him.
[Kurt] Daddy's here.
Let's go, Lucas.
Let me tell you something.
You touch him again, I come back here,
I personally kick every one of your asses.
Every one, every ass.
I kick it, you understand?
Just let's go, Lucas. Come on.
Do you understand what you guys almost got into?
Do you have any idea the annihilation
that would have taken place here?
Annihilation. Wait, you want to go?
You feeling frisky? You want to go?
You know what? I'll go.
-Hm? -You want to go?
-Let's go. -How old are you?
What the hell where'd you come from?
-Let's go. -I don't--
I'm not saying I don't want to go.
I'm just saying we can go.
Stop talking shit and just do it, old man.
-Hit me. -Bring the voice down.
Okay, we're in a locker room. It's a lot of acoustics.
You just said you could kick all our asses.
I know. I haven't even eaten yet.
We have reservations at Benihana.
You know where they do the smoking volcano thing
with the runyons.
It's fine. Let's go, Lucas man.
Go. Just... better watch it next time.
Yeah.
All right.
What's that kid's name anyway?
-Kurt. -Kurt.
Freaking Kurt.
Do you realize how... how--how
-that would have went down? -Oh, yeah.
I would have kicked all their asses.
-Yeah, definitely. -Yeah.
Now, I should go back there. I'm gonna go back there.
-No, no, no, no. -He's probably not there, right?
-I mean, I'm gonna-- -It's fine, Dad.
I should just close this shit out, man.
-This is crazy. -No, no, no, no.
It's--it's fine, Dad.
I'm used to it.
What do you mean you're used to it?
That's not...
see, that's not something you should be used to.
How often does this happen?
Uh, every day.
[Brian] I mean, there's no way for him to escape.
Did you know it was this bad?
No. What should we do?
Nothing now, because I slammed it down.
I shut it, you know? I took care of things.
I nipped it in the bud, you know? So--
You got to call the school and the principal right away.
What? No. You can't do that.
Then he's a rat.
You saw The Departed. He'll get whacked.
Brian, you're his dad now.
This is something a dad needs to handle.
You're right. You're right.
I...Hey, look at me.
I promise you I'll never let anything bad happen to him.
All right?
-All right. -I gotta get back to work.
When I get back, we'll take care of this, all right?
Hey, no more bullies.
[man] Kick his ass!
-Please get off! -Oh, oh!
Get him, you little bitch!
[frat exec 2] Dude, I got five grand on you!
-[knock on door] -[frat exec 2] Go, go!
C--Claire said you wanted to see me?
Hey, buddy.
Yeah, come on in.
Just, uh, just grab-- grab a seat.
-[frat exec 1] Go! Go! -[frat exec 2] You can do it!
Believe in yourself!
[both] Yeah! Whoo!
[frat exec 1] Pay up, [indistinct].
-[ball thwack] -[groans]
[boss] Hey, so listen.
The Pfizer thing.
You're gonna straighten out those numbers, right?
Well, I mean, the numbers are what the numbers are.
First of all, don't yell at me.
Okay, then. I didn't think I was yelling.
Sounded like yelling.
Numbers are a little tight, dawg,
so just make them a little loosey-goosey, you know?
Well, I mean, if we loosen them up--
Hey, calm down.
If we loosen them up,
then what you're gonna do is you're basically,
you're asking me to commit fraud.
-What?! -[all gasping]
Whoa.
Listen, Dad is gonna flip out if he sees these numbers.
Bro, you can't let Dad flip out.
You can't let Dad flip out.
I mean, he's not-- he's not my dad.
-What?! -[female exec] How dare you!
[frat exec 1] You shut your face!
Let me ask you something.
How do you think this is going?
Well, I thought it was going better when I first--
That's not a question.
But here's the answer: [shouts] You're fired!
-[glass shatters] -My dad always hated you.
-Okay. -[dog barking]
[♪ Ms. Money: “Big Bootys Winning”]
♪ Big booty bitches ♪
♪ You're winning you're winning ♪
-♪ Drop it down low ♪ -[Brian clears throat]
-♪ Yeah, spinnin' spinnin' ♪ - [Lucas grunts]
[Lucas] Shake it, girl.
♪ So you can't get low, low, low ♪
[moaning]
♪ Big booty bitches ♪
♪ You're winning you're winning ♪
So they called you a baby back bitch?
Do they do that a lot?
No, it doesn't matter. Whatever it is.
I had to lay down the law is what I did.
But, you know, there's the standards.
There's standards. I'm just cut from the cloth
of a higher standard, if that makes any sense.
I don't know if it does,
but that's--you--you get what I'm saying, right?
No, you're right.
Yeah. You're right.
What?
You're such a badass.
You're not a baby back bitch.
We'll just have to cut back on a few things
until you find something else. [sighs]
Maybe we pump the brakes on his dance lessons, huh?
[Lucas grunts]
Mm-hm. Mm, mm.
We're paying for that?
A lot.
You know, I still have that open invitation
to rejoin my old firm.
I thought you wanted to stay home with Lucas.
I do, but we also need an income, right?
So maybe you tag in
and do the whole stay-at-home dad thing
for a bit.
You want me to stay at home with--with him all day,
just me and him?
It would just be temporary.
Plus, it'd be so good for you and Lucas.
It would give you all this one-on-one time
to just like bond.
♪ So you can't get low no more ♪♪
Ugh! [panting]
Was that good?
[clapping]
Very good, sweetie. It was very good.
There's really no way to tell, pal.
[bell rings]
♪ I love vacation, and I'm all numb--♪
[chopsticks clank]
Hey, bud.
Aren't you, uh, supposed to be in school?
No, it's teacher in service day.
The hell is that?
It's when teachers learn new techniques
to help them with their teaching.
And you get a day off for that?
Why don't they work that out on their,
like, their own time?
Well, I don't know, but it's good for us.
So what are we gonna do today?
We?
Boom. There you are. A puzzle.
Look at that. Huh?
It's 25,000 pieces.
Yeah, it is.
That's weeks' worth.
Maybe even a month. Who knows?
-I'm kind of hungry, actually. -Oh.
Am I supposed to cook you something,
-or-- -Sure
Is that what your mother would do?
-Mm-hmm. -All right. Uh, yeah.
Let's, uh, let's get after it.
You ever try intermittent fasting, by the way?
-Intermittent fasting? -Fasting, yeah.
It's amazing for your colon.
I'm in with you. Let's both do it.
What do you say?
Okay, well... I'm sorry.
I'm just really hungry.
-Okay. -Sorry.
All right, uh...
Sometimes Mom makes me breakfast sandwiches
with the King's Hawaiian rolls.
Oh, these are cool.
These are really good. I like them.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
All right, so you know what to do with that,
and that's--that's amazing.
-That's really cool. -Yeah, I think so.
-All right. -Great.
-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah, sure.
You want to make them with me or...?
No, you're good.
[distant chatter]
All right.
You wanna throw the football around?
Do a little boxing?
-Nah. -We could do, uh--
How about this?
[humming]
Or just do weird crap on your own,
that's fine too.
[alarm beeping]
♪ What up, bitch? ♪
[woman laughing]
But you do owe me 50 bucks,
I'm not fooling around on that.
[woman 2] I'll give you 50 bucks.
-Relax. -[woman 1] You relax.
I want my fucking money.
This dude looks like my AA sponsor.
[woman] Dude looks like my garbage man.
♪ That gold crown ain't really really relaxin' ♪
♪ All twenty-six packs on taxes ♪
Who are you?
I'm Brian.
Do you party, Brian?
Do I party?
Mm-hmm.
I mean, in college, I did, I guess.
I'm Leslie.
This is Ivy, Jess and Marla.
We got the Mama Mafia here.
-What's up? -What's up?
Hello. Nice to meet you, uh...Mama Mafia.
Did you take my parking spot, Brian?
Oh, is that yours?
All the gray Honda Odysseys?
All of them, are they all yours?
-Yeah. -Safest SUV on the market
and gray's least likely to get stolen.
Is there a problem?
No, no, no, I didn't know.
And it was just felt like crazy to me,
but crazy sensible.
Like you got the exact same color and everything.
It's pretty cool.
-Snack bag? -Oh, thank you very much.
-I appreciate that. -Those are for the kids.
Yeah, I know they are.
Give it back, Brian.
Back, Brian.
You've had enough frickin' snacks.
So you want to be in?
You want to join the mafia?
Do I want to join the Mama Mafia?
-Yeah. -No.
I don't--I don't even know,
you know, what the Mama Mafia really is about.
It's easy. Weekdays, we're here at 10 AM,
we drop the kids, they go apeshit.
Yeah, at 12, we caravan down to Chili's, eat lunch,
and get ripped up.
But mainly to get ripped up!
Yeah, you want some wine?
I...I don't drink so much during the day, you know?
You want coke? Ivy's got speed.
No, not now, 'cause I'm watching my, uh, son. Um--
You're gonna have to lose the windbreaker, though.
-Oh. -You want to get jumped in?
-Jumped in? -Yeah.
You can keep your clothes on.
Uh, not right away. You know what it is?
Oh, that's Lucas.
-Okay, that's my boy. -[phone beeping]
He's a wanderer and my wife got him
this wearable GPS tracker.
-Did your wife pick your jacket? -She might have.
I'll see you later.
-Uh-- -No, you won't, Brian.
-[Brian] Okay . - You freaking won't.
[Brian] I hope not. All right, Lucas,
let's just try to throw a spiral,
-you know what I'm saying? -Okay.
Spiral. You want to position your hand
on the back quarter of the ball.
Here you go. It's just a nice, tight spiral.
Nice and tight.
Okay. All right. Can you pick that one up?
-[Lucas] Love you, Dad. -Yeah, no worries.
Try to catch those, okay?
Makes it so much more fun.
-[strains] -That wasn't it.
-I'm sorry. -Okay.
[Lucas] Sorry. My bad.
This is gonna suck.
Thread that needle, I see it.
Was that good?
That's more-- that wasn't threaded,
that was more crochet.
All right.
[kid screams]
[man strains]
[kid strains]
[man strains]
[distant chatter]
All right, Lucas, let's turn it up a notch.
What do you say, okay?
-See what I'm doin'? -[groans]
Okay, you try to catch those though.
That's what you got to do. You take it right in the chest.
Hey, give you a little tip.
It's these fingers for a spiral.
Yeah, I know how to throw a spiral.
It's probably because you got tiny hands.
It can be tricky with little mitts like that.
You just got to adjust your grip like this.
You don't, well-- I mean a little bit, yeah.
Hey, what do you say we play a game?
Nah, I'm good. I'm just...
You thinking like a little two-on-two?
No, I'm not thinking that at all.
Okay, fun. CJ, go cover his kid! Here.
-I didn't even-- -Hike it. Hike the ball.
I don't even know what we're doing.
Hey, stay tight on him. Stay tight.
[overlapping chatter]
-That's all we're doing. -Hike it, dude.
[overlapping chatter]
-I don't even know the rules. -Ready? Ready?
Can you just listen? Oh my God!
[ping sound]
[screaming]
[groaning]
Oh look, they're friends already.
Shake it, girl, come and get it.
Do you mind, uh, getting off me?
[panting]
Fatherhood, huh?
Come on.
Okay.
[both strains]
Okay.
Oh, look, your kid's catching a bug with my little bugger.
Oh, that should keep them busy for a while.
I stand corrected.
CJ, let it go!
No! Drop it!
[crunches]
Hmm.
Dude's always putting stuff in his mouth.
Your kid ever go through that phase?
Maybe when he was one.
Yeah, we're taking a little longer.
Name's Jeff.
Uh, Brian.
Outstanding.
You ever go by “Bri-Bri”?
-No. -Oh, come on.
Bri-Bri is a badass name, dude.
I knew a Bri-Bri in the army once.
Bri-Bri once used a severed arm of a Taliban
to diffuse an IED in a sewer.
[chuckles]
[sighs] I miss Bri-Bri.
Was he killed in action?
No, got crushed by a van leaving Chipotle.
What about one Bri? Is that cool?
-Sure. -Okay, Bri...
Bri.
Okay. Uh, Lucas. Let's get going, bud.
-What do you say, you know? -Already?
-Yeah. -We just got here.
Yeah, I know but your mother wanted us back
for dinner and things.
We got to get ready.
-Dad, it's 10 in the morning. -I...
But CJ invited me over his house.
He just moved here
and he said there's a tree in his backyard
that looks just like Mark Ruffalo.
Freakin' uncanny.
It's why we rented the place.
So can we go over their house, please?
CJ's cool.
He said my hoodie's dope.
It is a pretty dope ass hoodie.
Please?
[groans softly]
Sure, sure. All right. Why not.
[dramatic rock music]
-Hell yeah, dude! -Yeah, okay.
Fuck yeah!
CJ, game on!
They're coming to our place, bro.
Up high.
-Whoa. -Mm.
Doesn't totally get high fives.
[groans]
You wanna dance?
[both grunting]
[grunts]
I said submit!
Submit!
No, CJ! No! Release.
[grunts]
CJ, stand down!
CJ, stop it!
[grunting]
Little dude's super strong.
Oh, yeah.
You guys go on ahead while I put him out real quick.
-Okay, yeah. -Okay, yeah.
-Go to sleep. Sleep. -We're gonna go.
[pants, laughs awkwardly]
I'm so excited to be here.
Yeah, don't get too comfortable, all right?
I texted your mom our location, you know, just in case.
Well, just in case what?
In case the guy murders us.
-Hey! -Hey.
-Come in, come in. -Hey, CJ. What's up?
-[strains hard] -[groans]
-Okay. -Don't let go.
All right.
-There we go. -Yeah.
Hey, I'm good.
-Missed you, buddy. -[weakly] Yeah, nice to see you.
We're still unpacking,
but I did clean the place up for you.
[clattering and clanking]
[toy squeaks]
Sorry. I'm beat, man.
-Yeah. -CJ barely sleeps.
Lucky if he gets two hours a night.
Two hours? That can't be healthy.
Yeah, it's fine.
What's that old saying?
Kids are like horses?
No, no one's ever said that at all.
Wow. Were you in the Army?
I was.
Well, that's Bri-Bri with Commander Colonel Kurtz.
First Special Forces Operational Detachment.
Delta Force.
Whoa. Delta Force?
Yeah. You know, one time,
I saw two guys get their heads blown off.
[laughs] One guy bled out in my arms
while I slowly watched him die.
Sick, right?
-Right? -Mm-hmm.
-[whispers] Jesus. -Wow.
Pretty crazy story.
I'm sure you got a lot more, but if you tell me,
you're gonna have to kill me, right?
-[tense music] -I am gonna have to kill you.
Hey, hey, hey! Take it easy!
-Hey! -[gunfire]
[ketchup splatters]
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry. There was some left in there.
Oh, God.
It's a ketchup dispenser.
Came with a matching mustard gun.
Isn't that fun?
Let me get you a paper towel.
Hey, Dad. Dad.
Isn't Jeff super cool and strong,
and look how big he is.
Yeah, he's big, but it's-- it's genetics, you know?
I mean, I'm sure his dad was very big,
and his mother was an American bison.
Plus, when you get that big, you don't live that long.
Okay, whatever.
Uh, CJ, want to go outside
so I can show you some more dance moves?
Hell yeah!
-[both chuckle] -[laughs]
Oh, you're okay with him cursing like that?
Yeah, words can't hurt anyone.
Worst case, I tell him to go to bed,
he calls me a buck-tooth bitch. [laughs]
[laughs awkwardly]
All right.
If you don't mind me asking, I mean, where's CJ's mom?
Oh, she passed away a few months ago.
-[mug thuds] -Yeah, she was real sick.
-[clanks] -Sorry to hear about that.
That's all right. She was gonna die anyway.
That's why we moved to a new town.
Make a fresh start, you know?
Had some money saved up from a security gig.
Thought I'd do the stay-at-home-dad thing
while CJ gets acclimated.
What about you?
Your wife croak too?
No. She's alive and well at work.
-Oh. -Yeah.
She's a lawyer. I'm a forensic accountant.
Oh, forensics?
Like autopsies and stuff?
Forensic accountant.
Oh, that's boring.
[CJ grunts]
[bird caws]
So what does CJ stand for anyway?
Christopher Jif.
-Like the peanut butter? -Uh-huh.
Like this peanut butter?
The one you looked at right before you said Jif?
Yeah, I looked at the peanut butter
because I was thinking of making us
some peanut butter sandwiches,
which was CJ's mom's favorite food,
which is why his middle name is Jif.
[quirky music]
Oh, hey, look at that fun list of stuff I did for me and CJ
to do now that his mom went tits-up.
-One, make new friends. -Check.
-Go to Buckee Cheese. -Oh, love Buckee Cheese.
Do ayahuasca in the desert.
He's gonna love that.
[speaking together] Freak out the fat lady across the street.
[laughs]
[laughs awkwardly]
Dad? Dad?
There's a guy in the backyard watching us.
Where?
Lucas is just kidding.
No, I'm not. I'm serious.
There's a guy out there.
-He's just staring at us. -Come on, Lucas.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't we go get lunch?
-You guys like Buckee Cheese? -Sure.
You can help us cross it off the list.
-Can we, Dad? -Of course we can.
Uh, you know, he's got a dance lesson.
[Lucas] No, I don't.
Hope no one's allergic to fun.
I know I'm not.
Okay. Pile in, boys.
What the hell is with all the gray Odysseys?
[suspenseful music]
[upbeat music]
[kids chattering, screaming]
This is awesome, right?
-[kid] You suck. -[kid 2] Creeper.
Man, that kid is fearless.
Look at him hanging upside down from--
what's he hanging upside down on?
That would be the sprinkler system.
Oh. Well, you know what they say.
A kid falls and cracks his skull,
-that's how they learn, right? -Mm, no.
No, that's not how they--
no one's ever said that.
Look at how happy he is.
You know, this is the first time
I've ever seen him smile.
You never--you never seen your kid smile?
Since his mom died.
Yeah, like, I'm--I'm--I'm sorry.
You know, I can't imagine what you guys--
Man, God is so good.
You know, the first day my son meets his new best friend,
so did I.
[kid] Fathead.
-Do you want to start a band? -No.
Um, well, you know, uh--Jeff, look, I--I--
First of all, this is--this is great.
-I know. -Yeah, and you...
you just seem like a great guy.
-You do. You got the thing. -[slurping]
And--and things are moving kind of fast with this whole thing.
Like, a lot is going on in my life right now
and it feels like, you know, you're asking a lot, you know?
So first of all, I want to tell you about myself.
I've recently got married.
-[foreboding music] -[Brian's voice fades]
It just feels like I gotta concentrate on that.
[foreboding music continues]
[Brian's voice is not heard]
[Brian's voice in normal volume] You really can't be best friends
with somebody when things are moving so fast
when you don't know someone so well.
I mean--Oh, no, no.
Listen, I didn't mean-- I didn't mean it like that.
[suspenseful music]
Hello, miss.
Can I get the super socks for 500 tickets, please?
Thanks.
[suspenseful music continues]
-[coins clank] -[plastic thuds]
-[coins clanking] -[slow motion] Whoa.
Holy shit!
-Dude, what the hell? -You broke his face!
Sorry, I thought he was a friend of mine.
[♪ KC & The Sunshine Band: “Boogie Shoes”]
[teenage employee 2 groans]
[upbeat music]
Holy shit!
[teenage employee 2 screams]
No, no, no, no! Aahhh!
-[slurps] -[children laughing]
[exhales]
[Buckee] Well, hello.
Play with me, camper.
[irritated groan] No.
[teenage employee 2] Oh, my God! [screams]
[teenage employee 1] Holy shit! Is this real?
[teenage employee 2] Somebody help us!
-[Buckee giggles] -Get your hands off me.
Give me a hug!
-No, no hug. -Love me!
Get the hell away from me, you freaking weirdo.
[groans in slow motion]
[teenage employee 2] Aahh! Please stop!
[costume slits]
[teenage employee 2] Oh my God. Mommy!
Hey, give me--hey!
Ooh, shiny.
Stupid!
Who wants to be tickled?
[Buckee groans]
-That's enough. -Dude.
Just give me a hug, man.
You just grabbed love handles.
You don't do that.
[grunting, straining]
[teenage employee 3] No, no, no!
Don't be such a baby!
Give me a hug, man!
What's your problem?
-Smile! -Take the photo!
-Smile! -Take the photo, man!
-[camera shutter clicking] -Just relax!
-I'm not paying for that. -Yes, you are.
-Thanks, Lucy! -Stop it.
Ow! Asshole!
[Buckee blows raspberry]
[quirky action music]
Welcome to the jungle, bitch!
[straining]
[grunts]
I'm gonna kick your ass!
[kids gasp]
[Jeff groans]
How'd you find me?
How'd you--?
[whimsical music]
[fast-forwarding sound]
[man on speaker] All right, shooters...
[kids snicker]
[man on speaker] ...hoedown.
...moves, shoot it! Let them critters have it!
[indistinct]
-[rapid firing of pellets] -[grunting]
Come on, big bitch!
-Okay. -Yippee ki-yay, mother--!
-Hey, Dad! -Hey, guys.
Guess you missed freakin' Buckee.
What a freakin'--
Hey, look at that, pizza's here.
Thank you so much.
All right, guys, dig in.
What's that?
What is what?
Haven't you ever had pizza before?
No.
[scoffs]
Your--your dad's never taken you for pizza?
Jeff's not my dad.
[ominous music]
Jeff's not your dad?
No.
Who...who is he?
I don't know.
He just took me.
[music intensifies]
All right, that's it. I knew something was wrong.
Everybody get up, get up. Get up right now.
Come with me.
Let's go.
Look, ma'am, this is an emergency, okay?
His wristband doesn't match yours.
Okay, you're--you're okay with a kid
dangling from a sprinkler system,
but all of a sudden an adult wants to leave
with a kid that's not his,
and you have a problem with that?
That didn't come out right, but look--look,
do I--do I look like a predator?
Yeah.
Is it the windbreaker?
Yeah.
No!
Slow down!
-[whispers] Sorry. -Look, do you know this man?
No. I don't know any of these people.
That's a lie. That's a lie right there.
You lie. We met today at the park.
-You don't remember meeting us-- -Buckee, thank you.
-Please. -What's up, pal?
-Okay. -You're a tough guy now?
We've been through this already.
-[hostess] Buckee, look out! -[Buckee] Oh, shit.
[others scream]
[hostess] Buckee! Holy shit!
-Come here, man. -[groans]
[alarm blaring]
You guys stay with me. Stay with me.
Hey, Lucas, stop.
Hey, trust me, you don't have a choice.
Hop in, boys. Seat belts.
Hey, why did CJ tell us you're not his dad?
Because I'm not.
Okay. Lucas, get out of the van.
I can't.
I'm sick of this shit.
Bring it, bitch.
Who the hell are you?
[dramatic strings]
Who's that guy?
A guy who wants to kill you.
[cars revving]
-Who are they? -They want to kill you, too.
-Why? -Because they think you know.
Know what?
[Jeff] Get in, Bri!
-[gunshot] -[Buckee screams]
[Buckee] Shit! Man!
[gunshot, bullet ricochets]
I don't know anything.
Why would they think I know?
[♪ The Spencer Davis Group: “Gimme Some Lovin'”]
♪ Twenty people knocking 'cos they're wanting some more ♪
♪ Let me in baby, I don't know what you've got ♪
[tires screeching]
-Dad, what's going on? -Nothing.
We're just having a little fun.
It's just some fun, right guys?
-You guys having fun? -Not really.
Okay, get those seat belts on now!
[car honks]
[tires screech]
[car honks]
[Lucas] He's got a gun!
No, no. What the hell is that?
[gunfire echoes]
[tires screeching]
[gunfire]
[Brian] What are you doing?
We're on a freeway.
[tires screech]
[gunfire]
[tires screech]
[gunfire]
Just tell me what the hell is going on.
Hey buddies, put some headphones on
and throw in one of my DVDs back there.
[man on TV] Doctor Hannibal Lecter.
[soft, tense music]
Can you just tell me?
Look, they're not after me.
They're after CJ.
CJ? Why are they after him?
Because I rescued him from some very bad people.
What--what kind of bad people?
-I don't know, bad people. -Okay, that's it.
Do me a favor, pull--pull over right now.
-Let us out. -Oh, no way.
You've got one too.
What the hell? Are you kidding me?
[Jeff] Oh, your child abduction photo
is way better than mine.
Amber Bros.
Okay, pull the car over right now.
I'm calling the cops. That's it, you're done.
Probably not a good idea
with the whole Amber alert and all, huh?
The hell's my phone?
Fuck!
I left it at Buckee Cheese.
I'm not turning around, Bri-Bri.
The hostess at Buckee Cheese thought I was,
you know, kidnapping the kids.
Do I look like a child predator?
It's the windbreaker.
[car screen ringing]
[in-car voice assistant] Incoming call from Emily.
Dad, why is Mom calling Jeff?
Oh, uh, because I gave Mom Jeff's contact info
-in case-- -In case what?
In case things went really well,
and then we became, like, best friends.
We're all just, like, hanging out together.
It's like, hey--
Well, we don't want to disappoint her.
No, no, no, no.
Emily! Hey, how you doing sweetie?
Oh, hi. Um, is this Jeff?
[Jeff] Hit me with it girl.
I can't wait to meet you in person.
I've heard so many good things.
-Okay, hey-- -Brian won't shut up about you.
-Hey, Em. -[Emily] Hey.
Jeff sounds so nice.
You said he was some kind of like dumbass weirdo.
[Brian] No, no, no, no. He's not a weirdo.
No, no, no. I said he's like a speirdo.
He carries a lot of spirit and funness.
[Emily] Oh, a speirdo?
Well, look at you making friends.
Oh, wow.
Are you guys in like a high speed chase or something?
Second one today.
Crazy shit, right?
It's insane indeed.
Hey, how's that conference going?
[Emily] Pretty eventful, actually.
You'll never guess who I ran into.
That's awesome. Say hi for me.
[phone beeping]
[tires screech]
Buckle in, boys.
What are you doing?
Relax, Bri.
Just let me do my thing.
[♪ Corona: “The Rhythm of The Night”]
♪ This is the rhythm of the night ♪
♪ The night... ♪
[tires screech]
[car honks]
♪ This is the rhythm of the night ♪
[strains]
[Brian] Hey, hey. Slow down.
-[tires screech] - You're gonna kill someone.
[Lucas screaming]
Hey, hey, hey!
♪ Take me to the... ♪
[screaming]
What are you crazy?
[laughs]
[woman] Oh, my God.
[panicked screaming]
♪ Feel you give me love again ♪
[tires screech]
[screams]
Whoa.
♪ Round and round we go each time I hear you say ♪
-[tires screech] -[kids groan]
♪ This is the rhythm of the night ♪
♪ The night, oh yeah ♪
-[whistle blows] -[traffic officer] Hey, stop!
-Stop! -No, no, no.
-Move. -[Brian] No, no, no.
-Move. -[whistle blows]
-Move. -No!
Move.
[shouts] Read the signs!
They're suggestions.
♪ The rhythm of the night ♪
[♪♪♪]
[shouts] Hands on the wheel! Hands on the wheel!
-[car honks] -[Brian] [shouts] Oh my God!
[woman screams]
[Jeff] Go, go, go!
[Brian] [shouts] No! Holy shit!
[tires screech]
-[shouts] Hey, there's a baby! -[Lucas] Baby.
There's a baby!
-Run! -[parents scream]
[baby cries]
Are you purposely trying to hit people?
-Uh-uh. Oh, shit. -No!
♪ This is the rhythm of the night ♪
[lemonade kid screaming]
♪ The night ♪
-[lemonade kid sobs] -♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Ha-ha.
-♪ The rhythm of the night ♪ -It's you.
-No! -It's on you.
Take the wheel. All right.
-Whoo! -Keep going.
[tires screech]
[Brian] Look out! Oh, my God.
[kid screams]
[traffic noise]
[man 2 on car screen] We got a problem here?
We got a problem?
[siren wailing]
[Lucas] Oh, shit.
[Lucas] Dad, the police.
Oh my god! Are you serious?
Still want me to pull over?
Remember, you're a child abductor.
You're a child abductor, Dad?
-Put your headphones on. -He is.
[siren wailing]
[Brian] Man, what are we gonna do?
Boom! That was cool of them, right?
[dramatic music]
[cars revving]
Look at this.
It's like our tribe.
The Mama Mafia.
A bunch of drunk ass soccer moms.
Probably on their way to have lunch.
What kind of food?
[♪ Knock Hard: “Uninvited”]
♪ They wanna let me in ♪
♪ but they're watching my game ESPN ♪
♪ studying the moves, trying to replicate... ♪
[car alarm buzzes]
Oh, shit.
A fricking pedo drives one of ours.
What--what are you doing?
Blending in, Bri. Watch this shit.
[Brian] Easy, easy. Whoa, whoa!
[tires screeching]
What the hell's she doing?
-What the hell are you doing? -Look, I can't be seen.
You got an Amber alert on you, bro.
I think we're way past that.
Ladies, our day has finally come.
Pedo on the parkway, and he's right behind me.
[Jessica] Oh my god, Leslie. What do we do?
Assume the diamond formation.
This is what we train for, ladies.
[neck cracks]
[Jessica] Roger that. I'm going in.
Watch my six, Marla.
[Leslie] Let's castrate this mother--
Whoa. Whoa. Hey, hey. Why are you slowing down?
Cuz your girlfriends are boxing me in.
[tires screech]
It's on, Bri.
I'm gonna ram the shit out of ‘em.
Yeah, ram ‘em.
No, do not ram them.
[car revving]
Oh, shit.
-She's hot, bro. -[Brian] Don't start with her.
[car revs]
Dude, she's a firecracker.
I don't think I can kill this one.
What?
[tires screech]
Whoa. Shit.
What up, bitch?
Oh, I'm the bitch?
I'm the bitch?!
[tires screech, crashes]
Can we not try and kill her, please?
[suspenseful music]
[gun cocks]
Eli! Eli, take your earphones out.
Get Mama's taser from her purse.
No, not that one, the other taser.
Yeah, you're gonna put your Fortnite skills to use, sweetie.
See that dickface in the front seat?
No.
That's man's a pervert.
What do we do to perverts, honey?
We zap him in the ball sack.
Face works too, honey.
Make Mama proud.
[taser whirrs]
Little minion's trying to execute me, dude.
Just shut the window.
I'm not backing down, Brian.
-He's the enemy. -He's 12!
Exactly!
Eli, what the hell are you waiting for?
Take him down!
You ain't gonna do it. You ain't shit, bro.
You ain't shit!
[car tires screech, thuds]
[taser crackling]
[screaming]
Oh my god!
Did you just see that?
[tires screech]
[grunting]
[Lucas] Dad, they're not stopping!
What are we gonna do?
Relax, Bri.
These things have a way of working themselves out.
[truck honks]
Ooh.
You see what I'm saying, Bri?
Woo! Yes!
Oh my, pound it, dude!
-Pound it! -[Brian] No!
I'm not pounding it!
[Jeff laughs]
-Whoo! -Whoo!
All right, that's it. We're out of here.
Totally.
Let's take a breather, Bri-Bri.
Stop calling me Bri-Bri, okay?
We're not friends.
Wow.
What the hell is that?
Thanks to your creepy Amber alert,
we got to steal another one.
You stole that?
You think I bought some bitch-ass minivan?
That's it. CJ, Lucas, we are going.
We're out of here.
You're not taking CJ.
Oh, I absolutely am.
-Where are you gonna go? -Home.
Out of here.
Away from this freaking insanity.
-[screaming] -[tires screeching]
-Yeah. -[loud crash]
[man] Oh, my God!
Not a good idea, Bri-Bri.
Really? Why not?
‘Cause they're gonna find you and your family
and murder the shit out of every last one of you.
[faint rattle]
What's your problem?
Hey, Lucas, stay in eyesight, huh?
How are they gonna find me, huh?
Cause they found me, Bri.
And I drove 200 miles to escape 'em.
Ugh.
Okay.
[whimsical music]
Wait.
Okay, if I tell you the story, you gotta promise
-to keep an open mind. -[sighs]
You don't look like you're gonna keep an open mind.
I will keep an open mind. Can you just go?
So remember that security gig I took when I left the army?
Well, it was at this top secret building.
I didn't know who owned it or what went on in there
because I was never allowed inside.
The job was pretty strenuous.
Lots of problem solving.
And I got to pretend I was Kung Fu freaking Panda,
which was pretty freaking awesome.
Hiya!
[clanks softly]
So all I was told to do was patrol the area
and submit to random drug tests, Ow.
which I have no idea how I passed,
'cause there's like literally no chance I passed.
Anyway, so when I was working this top secret building,
the only other employee I ever saw there
was this bearded dude
who looked just like Zach Galifianakis.
But it wasn't him, 'cause I asked him once and he said,
"No, but I get that all the time."
You see, we were never allowed to give our real names.
So I just called him Galifianak-ish.
So a few weeks ago,
this truck pulls up to the warehouse with a package,
which was super weird
because I don't even have an Amazon account.
[car hinges creak]
I didn't want to leave it outside all night
in case it was something super important,
like the Ark of the Covenant.
[owl hooting]
[door alarm buzzes]
So I brought it in.
[laughs] And that's when I heard it.
-[loud thud] -Oh, shit.
You're surrounded, asshole!
We're--we're all gonna blow your head off.
[answered knock on wall]
Oh my god. Who's there?
[CJ] I'm in here.
[Jeff] So I busted through the door
because I'm big and freaking awesome.
[gentle piano chords]
And then what did I do?
[♪ Harry Nilsson: “Without You”]
♪ I can't live... ♪
I rescued him like a rescuer.
Like the Yellowstone guy from The Bodyguard ,
but way more badass and cool.
♪ I can't give... ♪
And there you have it.
-There you have it? -Yeah.
You are gorilla-ass crazy.
Do you understand that?
[♪ Scott Lee Miller: “Destroy”] ♪ Destroy ♪
Agh!
Liquid Psycho.
This stuff's amazing, huh?
[both gulping]
A thousand milligrams of caffeine.
Is that a lot?
I mean, I feel like I'm on fire.
Like I'm riding a dragon, like, like I'm white lightning!
[rock music]
[man] Kids! Kids!
[passerby] Oh my god! Calm down!
[growling]
[♪ Léo Delibes: “Flower Duet”]
[upbeat music]
[both screaming]
[♪ Léo Delibes: “Flower Duet”]
[upbeat music]
[suspenseful music]
[car tire screeches]
[suspenseful music continues]
[phone beeping]
[tracker beeping]
[cars revving]
Now, who are these guys?
Why don't we just go to the cops?
Well, there was a little misunderstanding.
What type of misunderstanding?
Good morning. So here's the deal.
He's not my kid, but he's definitely someone's kid,
so I had to steal him away.
But now that I stole him,
I think someone's coming after us trying to kill us.
You guys know what I'm saying, right?
[♪ Harry Nilsson: “Without You”]
♪ I can't live ♪
-♪ if living is without you ♪ - [gunshot echoes]
♪ Can't live ♪
That is quite a misunderstanding.
Right?
So cops are kind of out of the question now.
What?
[distant chatter]
[foreboding music]
Is he coming?
Check it. I stole these.
No freakin' way.
Pukas.
What's up, Pukas?
Is this your new girlfriend?
[mean kid laughs]
[distant car revving]
We got a problem here?
[♪ N.W.A.: “Straight Outta Compton”]
We got a problem here, punk ass?
-[mean kids gasp] -[mean kid] Oh, shit.
You're frickin' dead.
♪ Straight outta Compton ♪
♪ crazy brotha named Ice Cube ♪
♪ from the stupid-dope gang wit a attitude ♪
♪ So when I'm in your neighborhood ♪
♪ you better duck ♪
♪ 'cause Ice Cube is crazy as...♪
♪ as I leave believe I'm stompin' now ♪
[mean kid grunts]
-Yeah! -♪ Compton ♪
So nothing you've told me is true.
There's no dead wife.
Well, that's good news, right?
Okay. So let me get this straight.
There's a group of hardcore guys out there that wanna kill me
and my entire family, all because you stole CJ
from some secret facility.
-Is that it? -Yeah.
Anything else you lied about?
[awkward laugh] Actually, I might have lied
about something else.
Yeah, I'm feeling that.
CJ's name isn't Christopher Jif.
It's not?
That's a peanut butter.
I don't know what it stands for.
So, you're right, Bri.
All we have is each other now.
I never said that.
Lucas, CJ, let's go.
Where the hell are they?
Lucas! CJ!
CJ!
-[car revving] -[tires screech]
-[woman screams] -[Brian] Oh, my God!
They found us.
[car revving]
[Brian] What are you doing?
Stealing a car.
Eenie-meenie-miney-mo.
Now is this meant to be or is this meant to be?
-I'm gonna get my kid. -Bri-Bri!
Damn it.
[phone beeping]
[faint music]
-[suspenseful music] -Lucas!
Lucas!
-[woman] What's happening? -Lucas!
[woman] She brought a casserole. It was awful.
[foreboding music]
[car revs]
-Lucas! -[woman] What's going on?
Lucas!
[gunshot]
[woman] Oh, my God!
[panicked screaming]
Lucas!
[suspenseful music]
Lucas!
[gasps]
It's okay. It's okay.
I got you, all right?
-You're safe, you're safe. -No, no. Where's Jeff?
We don't need Jeff, okay?
No, we gotta find Jeff.
He needs to protect us, Dad.
We gotta find him.
No, no, no!
[Lucas] No!
No! No, no, no! No!
-[gunman grunts] -[tires screech]
You see that?
Sick, right?
[laughs] God, I'm good!
Okay, not bad.
[tires screech]
[dramatic music]
Dad, they're still coming.
Go, go, go, go!
Are they coming?
[music trails off]
How do they keep finding us?
You thinking Treadstone?
Okay, that's a movie. That's not real.
You know, the way they track Matt Damon.
You know, everything on us is traceable.
That's it. They have my phone.
They're--they're tracking Lucas with my phone.
Okay, Lucas, take your GPS button
and turn it off, okay?
And keep it off.
[GPS tracker beeps]
Yeah, keep it off, Lucas.
This is all your fault.
I'm kidding, dude.
I'm kidding.
It's mostly your fault, but not all your fault.
Thanks for what you did back there.
That was really cool of you.
Cool.
[chuckles]
-[groans] -Ow.
[car revving]
[Brian] Huh, this is crazy.
I don't even know what I'm thinking, man.
-What? -Can't even be a good dad.
What are you talking about?
You're the one who saved him, Bri.
You're a great dad.
And you got a great kid.
Kid who loves you.
I don't know about that.
You know...I gotta tell you being a stepdad is...
I thought I'd have kids in my 20s or 30s.
That didn't happen.
I was okay with that.
But then they put Emily in my life
and I was like, wow, you know, this amazing woman
who's kind of out of my league.
Totally out of your league. Like way, way out.
-Okay. -Like looks.
-Yeah, that. -Personality.
Pretty much every way possible.
I got it. I got what you're saying.
And she came with this kid...
[gentle music]
and he started calling me Dad and I was like, “Oh, man.”
You know, I don't know how to do this stuff, you know?
And I thought I didn't even deserve to be called Dad.
I started feeling bad for him, you know?
He got saddled with an old guy like me.
What are you, a cool guy like you?
Bri, you're a great guy.
Like, I'd kill to have a dad like you.
And the way you take care of him is so cool.
[soft, uneasy music]
We gotta get them some place safe, okay?
Some place completely off the grid.
I know just the place.
They'll never find us.
[mellow music]
This is where we're hiding out?
Sick, right?
-[old man gasps] -[woman screams]
[car door closes]
[door knocking]
-Look at you. -[woman] Gordon, I'm naked!
-Jeff? -Hey, Gordon.
Hey.
Brian, this is Gordon,
-my estranged deadbeat dad. -Pleasure.
That's Lucas, Brian's son, and this here is CJ.
Ah, you never told me you had a kid.
I don't have a kid.
Are you blind?
He's the spitting image of you when you were his age.
I think.
Did, uh, Jeff mention I abandoned him
when he was four?
Not yet, no, no.
Good. Good.
Well, come on in.
Let's go.
Hey, can you believe he's still mad at me
for something that happened 30 years ago?
You dropped me off in an orphanage for girls.
And you're welcome. [chuckles]
Brian, [clears throat] when--when his mom died,
I mean, I just--I panicked.
It was just me.
I was young, stupid.
I was afraid I was in over my head being a dad,
but kept tabs on you, didn't I?
Here we go. This is what I want to show you.
Here we go.
See, you two are dead ringers.
Oh, look at my little Jeffy with all his foster families.
You're a lucky bastard.
Well...
He's not wrong.
He looks just like you.
CJ's my son?
[soft, inquisitive music]
What's going on here?
How's that even possible?
Do you even know who his mom is?
Due to my deep-seated emotional issues,
I've easily slept with thousands and thousands
and thousands of women.
You're welcome.
How many women have you slept with, Dad?
That's not your business. That's none of your business.
[music continues]
So you're my son, little man.
No wonder you're so handsome and awesome.
Hell yeah.
We're gonna make such a good team.
We're gonna have so much fun together.
Up high. [grunts]
[laughs]
Hey, Jeff.
-Hey, Gordon. -Yeah.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Look, um...
we need a favor.
These guys keep coming after us.
It's not safe for the kids.
Can we leave them here for a bit?
We're hoping you can look after them for a while
until we figure all this out.
[poignant music]
Yeah, um...
Will you help me, Dad?
I can't. Sorry...
I'm just not that...guy.
[music continues]
[door opens]
Oh, my God.
You okay?
Man, we gotta find out why they did this to you.
You know, why would anyone want a kid from me?
Why should I be a dad?
You saw mine.
That's why I enlisted.
You know, I had my own team.
Finally had a family.
And I couldn't even do that right.
[muffled explosion]
[muffled rapid gunfire]
-[soft music] -[shuddering breaths]
[teammate's voice] Sarge, what are you doing?
Take him out!
[Jeff's voice] I couldn't do it,
so they court-martialed me.
[gavel thuds, echoes]
You're still my perfect soldier, Jeff.
I wish I had more of you.
Perfect soldier, my ass.
That's not a flaw, man, at all.
I gotta be honest, it sounds like that colonel guy,
like he really liked you.
Yeah, Colonel Kurtz.
He always had my back.
That's what it's all about, see?
Letting them know that we have their backs.
[♪ Charlie Nguyen Kim: "Rolling Memories"]
♪ I got it, you got it ♪
♪ Mm, they want it ♪
[moans]
[both moan]
Wow, yeah.
He's definitely your son.
[both moan]
What are you doing?
Uh, nothing. I mean, we just...
It's kind of like we eat the same thing.
It's like, you know, just like when you...
You were eating [indistinct].
We gotta figure out why they did this to you.
You don't know anyone in that top secret...
whatever?
[ping sound]
-Zach Galifianak-ish. -Whoa, whoa.
Easy, easy, easy.
I'm good.
[up-tempo music]
How in the world are we gonna find this guy?
We're gonna pretend to bang him.
What?
[car doors banging]
Zach couldn't get women
so he'd come to me to help him with all his dating apps.
Zach had no game.
-Obviously, I do. -Mm.
So I'd pretend to be him and text all these girls for him
and I was amazing at it.
Whoo-hoo!
Daddy's back in business.
Oh boy.
This is the one.
I can get this one.
Why is that?
Because she's half blind!
She can't even see me.
That's pretty sweet.
Dude, is that my body?
Yeah, yeah. I should have asked.
I got excited.
[ping sound]
[Jeff] And that's the plan.
We're gonna catfish this bag of shit.
We don't need to find him.
We're gonna bring him to us.
And our fake profile name will be...Candi.
[phone beeps]
Candi?
What, you want to call her Karen?
-I like Candi, Dad. -Would you just--
Hey, just put your headphones on and stop listening.
You sit back.
Let a master do the work.
Okay.
Well, hello, handsome sailor.
[Siri's voice] Well, hello handsome sailor.
Ugh, here we go again.
[Siri's voice] I just got into town and you are hot.
Russian bots. Nice try, Putin.
Blocked.
[Siri's voice] This user has blocked you.
What?
All right, just give me the phone.
-Give it to me, all right? -Relax, Bri.
Look, maybe this time you just come in a little slower.
Listen, you wanna get smashed or what?
Ugh.
Report.
[Siri's voice] This user has reported you.
What is his problem?
Give me this thing. You're done.
What are you gonna do?
I'm telling you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna come in nice and slow, but steady.
[computer beeps]
[Siri's voice] Hi, I'm Emily.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, I'm on fire tonight.
I just read your profile.
I, too, am interested in... Pterodactyls, bulimia,
Love is Blind, and the Mormon culture.
Oh, this is so annoying.
Yes, it seems like we have much in common,
but now who's your favorite Mormon?
Favorite Mormon?
Favorite Mormon. Uh...
Top Gun Maverick.
Not even a person.
Jay-Z.
[computer beeps]
[Siri's voice] My favorite Mormon is, of course, Jay-Z.
Oh, she's the one.
It is so nice to talk with someone actually normal here.
I hate when people come across so disgusting and aggressive.
Get your grubby thoughts off of me, you know?
Totally.
So do you want to get smashed or not?
[notification beeps]
Yeah.
You see what I'm saying, Bri?
You want to know what really turns me on?
[whimsical music]
♪ I'm just a boy ♪
♪ about to make love to a woman ♪
♪ some call it intercourse ♪
[scanner beeps]
-Oh, no. -Mm-hm.
Oh, not again.
-Sup, bitch? -Got you, fool.
Mmm, not going to jail.
Eat shit, [indistinct].
[screams]
[sobs]
Okay.
You and I are gonna have a very calm conversation.
[shouts] What did you do to my son?
Dude, just please take the hood off.
I already know who you are, dumbass.
Oh, shit. Really?
Yeah, Jeff.
You're a pretty specific looking guy.
Damn it!
[grunting]
I want answers.
Now.
Start talking, bro.
Uh-uh.
Oh, you want to get waterboarded?
What?
You asked for it.
How are you gonna...?
[ice rattles]
That's not how you waterboard, Jeff.
That's right.
What are you, making me a protein shake?
Be prepared to talk, bitch.
-Not--Oh, come on. -Are you thirsty?
Yeah, how do you like them apples?!
Okay.
Can I talk to you for a second?
I was about to break him.
Get over here.
Ugh.
Yes, Mom?
Yeah, well, what's going on over here,
it's just not working, okay?
What? When I almost killed him?
You moisturized him is what you did.
Okay, so you're bad cop?
-I can be bad cop. -Okay.
-You can do it, Dad. -Yeah, I know.
-Go get it out of him. -I'll do it right now.
What are we gonna do?
What's that for?
Torture his ass.
[soft, quirky music]
Reservoir Dogs.
All right. Yeah, all right.
I can't wait to see this.
- Reservoir Dogs style. -Yeah.
[♪ Stealers Wheel: “Stuck in the Middle”]
Oh, God.
Who's laughing now, bitch?
♪ Well, I don't know why I came here tonight ♪
♪ I got the feeling that Something ain't right ♪
You look like Chris Christie is on Dancing with the Stars.
He's not--he's not scared.
-He's not afraid. -[Jeff] Don't be a quitter.
Get back in there.
Guess what?
Playtime is over.
[foreboding music]
Oh.
[music trails off]
That's like a traveling cosmetic kit.
You bet it is.
Pick your weapon, my friend.
Uh, the toothbrush?
Do you want this in you?
Man, what?
I'll start this way. I don't care.
Oh, my God, stab him already.
Look, the two boys over there
would probably do a better job interrogating me.
Why don't you swap places with them?
Hey, look at me.
You're making me look pathetic in front of my kid, okay?
I'm not gonna tell you anything, okay?
It doesn't matter what you offer me.
It doesn't matter what you do to me.
I'm not gonna tell you what happened.
Here's exactly what happened.
So, how do I put this?
That--that kid over there, that's--that's not your son.
Who somehow looks a lot like you
is because he is a genetic analog of you.
[Lucas] Genetic analog?
You mean like a clone?
Yeah. Smart kid.
Clone.
He's a genetic analog. A clone.
His name's CJ.
That literally means “Clone Jeff.”
[somber music]
So he's exactly like me?
Well, modified version of you.
See, he's faster, stronger,
and way smarter than you, okay.
He's a better version of you.
You are community college.
He is Harvard plus.
Why would you do this?
No, I didn't clone anyone.
I'm just like a babysitter.
[Brian] Then who did this?
I--I--I can't tell you.
All I got is a name and I'm not telling you
because they--ah, okay!
It's Simon Maddox.
Simon Maddox.
Put down the lamp. Simon Maddox.
Who the hell is Simon Maddox?
Oh, wow.
You guys have no idea what you just stepped into.
[soft, tense music]
[Brian] Okay. Who is Simon Maddox?
And why the hell would he clone Jeff?
[♪ Jay Ramsey: “Bayoue Belle”]
[both] Ergh. Aaagh!
Hah.
♪ I used to sing and play the blues in a little old band ♪
♪ We got brave and we hit the road in a '61 van ♪
Wow, this guy's a genius.
Oh man, super genius.
Mm, mm, mm!
Get that fight in there. Mm, mm, mm!
Oof. Okay. Also super creepy.
♪ Fourteen dollars in the kitty ♪
♪ when we left Folger City and we headed down south ♪
[both] Whoa.
You can read my mind?
Yes. Crazy.
♪ I turned toward the swamp to look around ♪
Hah! Hah!
♪ Bayou Belle give your guitar heck ♪
Wait, I got an idea.
Alexa, play some old-school hip-hop.
[♪ Ice Cube: “You Can Do It (Feat. Mack 10, Ms. Toi)"]
♪ Ninety-nine, baby ♪
♪ I'm on the grind, baby ♪
♪ Show me something ♪
♪ You can do it put your back into it ♪
♪ I can do it put your into it... ♪
Sick.
♪ Tic-tic-boom, hear me banging down these back streets ♪
♪ Bumpin' Blackstreet treated like an athlete ♪
♪ we be clubbing till the day we die ♪
♪ ask the bartender if you think we lie... ♪
[phone ringing]
[whispers] Crap.
Hey, Em, we're running a little bit late.
That's all, hon.
-[man breathes over phone] -Em?
♪ You can do it put your back into it ♪
Em?
[man's voice] [sighs] Look at your screen.
[foreboding music]
[man's voice] Would you like us to follow Emily home?
Pay her a little visit?
No. Would not like that.
[man's voice] Then you bring the boy to us.
Drive to the coordinates that we send to you.
Otherwise, we will visit your wife.
[screeches, phone beeping]
[gentle music]
[unsettling music]
[Jeff] You see, Bri-Bri?
How much fun are you having right now?
Whooh! God, you're good.
So how'd you track down this Simon Maddox?
You do your forensic accounting?
Hm.
[Lucas giggles]
Bri-Bri? You okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Man, it's finally happening.
CJ and I are finally connecting.
Isn't this incredible?
It is, yeah.
Hey, I gotta thank you for that little talk earlier.
I think you're right.
I really am gonna be the best dad.
-[woman screams] -[man 2's voice] He's got a gun!
[man 3's voice] Oh, my God! They're gonna kill her!
[Jeff] So how much further, Bri-Bri?
[dramatic thud] [scream echoes]
No, no, not--not much.
Man, I can't wait to see this ass-hat face-to-face.
Right, CJ?
Right.
[Lucas giggling]
[tense music]
[car rumbling, stops]
[car doors banging]
[Jeff] Huh, this can't be right.
Pictured it more of like an Area 51 type place.
Maybe you did your forensicing wrong.
[car revving]
-Lucas, get in the van. -Why?
[Brian] Get in the van right now, please.
Bri? What's going on?
[suspenseful music]
Jeff, I'm so sorry.
For what?
[gunman] Get down!
[gunman] Freeze! Don't you move!
Dude, they were coming after Emily, all right?
They were firing guns and--and everything, man.
I--I--I didn't know what to do.
[♪ Pretti Emage: “Earthquake”]
♪ Shake that, shake that ♪
♪ Shake that, shake that go at best ♪
♪ Shake that, shake that ♪
♪ Make it jiggle make it jiggle ♪
♪ Do a jump, split ♪
♪ Make it wiggle Make it wiggle ♪
♪ Make that, make that ♪
♪ Wanna shake it? ♪
♪ Wanna... ♪
Who the hell are you?
Oh, you already know my name.
What's that? Captain Dickface?
No.
This is Simon Maddox.
[dramatic music]
Hey, you touch him and I'll kill you!
Don't touch him!
Why are you doing this?
Why are you doing this anyway?
He's just a kid.
He is not just a kid.
Why me?
Why'd you do this to me?
I'm not the one who can answer that.
Come on, CJ.
-Wait, hold on. -[automatic rifle cocks]
Hold on.
Let me at least say goodbye to him.
Trust me, this is harder for you than it is for him.
CJ isn't capable of making any emotional connections.
It's literally not in his DNA.
Well, that's bullshit.
I'll prove it.
Hey.
I love you, little man.
And I know you love me, too.
I don't know what you mean.
What does love mean?
It's in your heart.
Don't you feel anything in your heart?
No?
Do you feel anything at all?
No.
I don't believe that.
So this isn't goodbye, okay?
I'll see you again real soon.
Up high.
Ah, come on.
Don't leave me hanging, dude.
Not now.
Please.
[Lucas] CJ!
Lu--Lucas.
[rhythmic drum beating]
Lucas, let's go.
[poignant music]
[indistinct radio chatter]
[cars revving]
[dramatic strings]
Lucas, get in the van.
[tense music]
[gentle music]
♪ This is the rhythm of the night ♪
[laughs] How do you like me now?
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, did I get him?
Did...did I look cool?
No.
But you distracted him, and then Jeff took him out.
Oh.
Hey, Lucas, I'm sorry.
Look, I'm just...
I just may not be the dad you...you need or you...
I mean, the one you really want.
What do you mean?
I'm not young.
You know, I'm not badass.
I'm just not a...
You are my dad.
I don't want you to change at all.
You don't?
No.
I have you, right?
Right.
Hey, Jeff, should I tie him up and torture his ass
like we did with the fat leprechaun?
Would you?
I need a moment to recover
from your dad's gut-wrenching betrayal.
I'm--I'm really sorry, all right?
Doesn't matter.
I failed.
You--you didn't fail him.
We gotta go get him.
Didn't you hear what he said?
He doesn't care about me.
Okay, so that's it.
After all we've been through?
Whatever.
He doesn't want me to come get him.
Of course he wants you to come.
Listen to me. Hey! Listen to me!
You're not your dad. Okay?
You know how I know this?
I know you got heart.
Careful, Bri.
You're starting to talk like we're best friends.
Nah, closer but...
[phone beeps, vibrating]
[feet thumps]
[tense music]
[phone beeping]
It's your phone.
Lucas, w--where's the tracker?
Well, it's in my hood--
CJ has it.
I thought you shut it off?
I did.
You know what this means?
-What? -Why don't you tell him, Luke?
It means he turned the tracker on
because he wants you to go save him.
How do we know that's what he wants?
Because you're his dad.
Damn right, I am.
[intense music]
[phone beeping rapidly]
[foreboding music]
Oh, this is where you worked?
-[Jeff] Mm-hm. -[Brian] It's like a lab.
Why would they bring him back here?
This guy's a freaking nerd.
[insects chirping]
[car doors banging]
Lucas, I need you to stay in the van
and lock the door, okay?
Lucas, I want to keep you safe, all right?
That's the most important thing to me, okay?
Okay, but you're gonna come back, though, right?
Of course we're coming back.
Right, Jeff?
Both of us?
Sure.
Let's do this.
[dramatic action music]
[fence clanking]
[button beeping]
[Brian] Oh.
[gate hinges creak]
Really?
Quit screwing around.
Hey, why--why is the door open?
It's like they're expecting us.
[phone beeping]
[rapid beeping, static]
I don't know. What are you doing?
Split up and cover more ground.
You gotta say that to me, okay?
That's what I just said. I was--
You didn't. [indistinct] with your freaking hands.
-I did not-- -Stop with the hands.
[suspenseful music]
[dramatic strings]
[suspenseful music continues]
[dramatic thud]
-Oh, my God! -Hi.
CJ, you scared the crap out of me.
That's a weird outfit.
Well, that's easier than I thought.
Let's call your dad.
-[Jeff] Hey, what's up? - Found CJ, huh?
How about that, huh?
-[Jeff] How's that possible? - What are you talking about?
What, you think you're the only one that could be the, uh...
hero?
[dramatic strings]
Wait, there's two CJs?
[Brian] This is insane.
Which one's ours?
I don't know.
Hey, little dudes.
Which one of you two is my little guy?
Whoa, whoa, hey! Guys! Guys!
Hey, chill!
Bitch!
[upbeat music]
[screaming]
[strains]
[groans]
That was a little excessive, huh?
It was self-defense!
[dramatic strings]
What are they, possessed?
No, no, I'm not...
I don't like where this is going.
I'm out.
Oh, gosh.
[security alarm blaring]
What the hell.
[Jeff] Oh, come on.
[clone CJs growl]
-Okay. -Nope.
No. No. No.
[rope whooshes]
What the hell is going on here?
All right, everyone needs to just relax.
-No, no, no, no, no, no. -Relax! Relax.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Go, go, go, go!
[CJs screaming]
-No! -Sorry.
Ah, you gotta help me!
-Sorry. -He's biting me.
Jeff, I can't see. Get him off!
[strains]
-[groans] -I'm so sorry.
Why are you apologizing?
For beating the shit out of little versions of me.
I have no one to talk to about it.
Stop it! Stop it! I don't like that.
Just punch him and apologize.
I'm so sorry. I'm very sorry.
Oh, God.
[dramatic music]
I can't believe they cloned that many.
What assholes.
There's a lot of them.
[distant loud thudding]
You, uh...
You hear that?
Yeah.
What is that?
I don't know.
A T-rex?
-[loud thud] -[glass clanks]
-[suspenseful music] -[loud thudding]
[clone CJs screaming]
[♪ “Ride of the Valkyries (from Die Walküre, Act III)”]
Oh...Oh...Oh, my God!
[clone CJ] Get some! Get some!
[♪ “Ride of the Valkyries (from Die Walküre, Act III)”]
Oh, shit.
[indistinct]
[♪ “Ride of the Valkyries (from Die Walküre, Act III)”]
No, no, no, no!
[panting]
[distant clatter, explosion]
[distant screaming]
[electricity crackling]
[gentle, quirky music]
Thelma and Louise?
We have to hold hands?
Yeah, we gotta hold hands.
[gentle uplifting music]
What the hell.
[clattering]
[distant screaming]
[screaming]
[invisible wall crackling]
[clones groaning]
It's like they got dog collars on, look at...
Look at them.
It's an electric fence. They can't get past here.
It's incredible.
-[laughing] -Yes!
Idiots! What's up now?
-Yeah, now! -What's up now?
[Brian] What's up now?
-Suck it! -Yeah! That's what he said!
[gun thuds, cocks]
Okay, okay.
Hey, Bri.
Remember what Jenny said to Forrest
when he was gimping around
with those metal things on his legs?
No.
[masked man grunts]
Run, Forrest! Run!
[gunshot]
[door bangs]
God.
Ugh.
‘Sup dawg?
Hello, Jeff.
Lucas! Lucas!
-We gotta go! -Dad!
-We gotta go! -Wh--what's happening?
Where's Jeff?
Colonel?
What are you doing with this freakin' nerd?
Why don't you just shut your face, you loser.
I own a Bugatti, okay?
I get tons of hot chicks now.
I see you two have become pals.
What the hell's going on here?
Well, after all you've done for us, Jeff,
you deserve some answers now.
Yeah. Why'd you do this to me?
Because you were my perfect soldier.
A true physical specimen.
But do you know what your kryptonite is?
Gefilte fish?
You have too much...empathy.
[doorbell rings, opens]
[somber music]
CJ. You okay?
See, son, you weren't the only soldier
to let your country down in the field.
Soldiers get tired.
They get afraid and start to have feelings.
Well, I needed to fix that problem.
So when I stumbled upon Simon's genius here...
Genius, bitch.
Even Simon didn't realize what his technology could create.
It could create the perfect genetic soldier.
All we needed was your superior DNA.
Random drug tests.
You were our ideal candidate, Jeff.
So you're telling me all those little guys out there
are going to be super soldiers?
Each one designed to never get tired.
And now for one final test.
[somber music]
Go ahead, CJ.
Do what you were trained to do.
Sergeant Eamon, thank you for your service.
[crossbow clanks]
CJ...listen, man.
Yeah, I...
you're not a machine.
You know how I know that?
Because if we're the same,
it means we got the same heart.
[soft, tense music swells, fades]
[dramatic music]
[Maddox] [slow motion] Fuck!
[dramatic choral]
[groans]
[body thumps]
[soldiers screaming]
[♪ KC & The Sunshine Band: “Give It Up”]
♪ Everybody wants you ♪
♪ Everybody wants your love ♪
♪ I'd just like to make you mine... ♪
[strains]
[CJ strains]
[screams]
♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na now ♪
♪ Baby, give it up ♪
♪ Give it up ♪
♪ Baby, give it up ♪
♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na now ♪
-[ping sound] -♪ Baby, give it up ♪
♪ Give it up ♪
♪ Baby, give it up ♪
[body thumps]
-[ping sound] -♪ Everybody sees you ♪
♪ Everybody looks and stares ♪
[soft, dramatic music]
♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na now ♪
♪ Baby, give it up ♪
♪ Give it up ♪
♪ Baby, give it up ♪
♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na now ♪
♪ Baby, give it up ♪
♪ Give it up ♪
♪ Baby, give it up ♪♪
[dramatic music]
[gun clicks]
You broke my heart.
[Brian] Ha-ha. How do you like me now?!
♪ This is the rhythm of the night ♪
Ooh!
Did I get him?
-[air bag hisses] -Ooh.
[Colonel Kurtz grunts]
[body thumps]
[groans] How'd I do?
Did I look cool?
You did, Dad.
And you looked badass.
Yeah, I did.
[uplifting music]
We did it, little guy.
Up high.
[♪ Jeff Cardoni: “Best Friends”]
♪ How to keep your love away? ♪
Best friends, Bri?
Best friends, Bri-Bri.
How are we gonna get home?
We don't have a car.
I guess we'll just have to steal another one, huh?
Attaboy, Bri.
Hey, one second.
What are we gonna do with all those
psycho killing machines in there?
[remote whirs]
Kaboom, bitch!
[♪ The Dead Drums: "Tune in For the Revolution"]
♪ Let's go! ♪
♪ Ah-hah, yeah ♪
♪ Come on, ha-ha ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Got my picture on the wall like a VIP ♪
♪ next to the no-check sign that's just me ♪
♪ Tell me, what a loser ♪
♪ Tune in for the revolution ♪
[rap music]
[clears throat] Hey.
-Butthead. -[balloon squeaks]
I've been meaning to ask you.
I'm so sorry.
You know what they say?
-[balloon squeaks] -Sorry.
[laughter]
I'm not back in town, Bri!
He's a very dangerous 12-year-old.
-[director] All right. -Yeah.
-[tires screech] -[car crashes]
Not a good idea, Bri-Bri.
Hey, what's up?
[laughter]
[ice rattles]
What?
-I'm sorry. -Damn it!
-Are you insane? -Am I insane?
You're absolutely back crap--!
-I'm back crap? -You're back crap.
[rap music continues]
♪ You was always hot ♪
♪ The rhymes were always tighter ♪
Like what?
[Brian] Well, first of all, how about tanning cream
and bikini underwear?
That's another problem.
[laughter]
Hold up.
What are you gonna do about all those psycho family?
What are those names called? What are they called?
-Psycho family. -What are they?
-[beep] -Hold up.
What are you gonna do [indistinct]?
[laughter]
Can you believe he's still mad at me
for something that happened 30 years ago?
Did you take my parking spot, Brian?
-Beep! -[car beeps]
[Brian laughs]
Guys, I made my own beep sound.
[laughter]
That's an all-time low, even for my acting.
-You cool with just one Bri? -[bleep]
What is it? You cool if I just call you...
-Damn it. -[beep]
-You co... You co... You... -[beep]
How about just one Bri? How about just one Bri?
Cool? How about just one Bri?
Cool? Yeah, okay.
Ugh.
[rap music continues]
Oh, hey!
Look at that list of super fun stuff I made for me.
It's CJ and me to do now that CJ's mom went tits-up.
Damn it, man.
Buckle in, boys.
[Brian] Hey, what are you doing?
There's different kids back there.
[laughter]
Now we're really screwed.
We got different kids all this time.
You keep forgetting the kids!
Hold up.
What are we gonna do about all those
psycho killing machines in there?
[laughter]
You have the same problem I do.
[laughter]
Oh, I almost dropped this.
[laughter]
[rap music continues]
Clear! Clear!
[groans]
Yo, Hunt. We'll get ‘em next time, huh, bro?
Don't call me “bro,” dude.
Don't call me “bro,” son.
[laughter]
One guy died in my arms
while I slowly watched him bleed out.
Sick, right?
I hate that.
[laughter]
Hiya!
[groans]
-[groans] I missed the door. -[bleep]
Sorry.
God.
Emily! Hey, how you doing, sweetie?
[Emily] Oh, hi. Is this Jeff?
In the... flesh.
[insect chirping]
Hi, Em. Is that me?
I'm waiting. I don't want to...
-I screwed it up. -I don't want to get--all right.
I was trying to come up with something else.
Okay, get off. I smell your ass in a raccoon hat [indistinct].
[laughter]
[grunts]
[laughing]
I didn't know where to put my legs.
That was a very weird one, man.
[dramatic music]
-[loud thump] -[Jeff] Ow!
[up-tempo music]
So? Tell me about the playdate.
Lucas said it was, like,
literally the best day of his whole entire life.
Well, it was definitely something.
-[scoffs] -[doorbell rings]
Bri-Bri!
Jeff, what the hell are you doing?
It's two o'clock in the morning.
You didn't give me an address,
so I had to knock on a lot of doors.
You're never gonna guess what happened.
I don't feel like guessing.
-Oh, guess. -[Brian] I don't want to guess.
-Oh, just guess. -[Brian] I'm not--
-I'm not guessing. -Guess.
[sighs] You stole another minivan.
What? [scoffs]
That's a stupid guess. No.
They burned our house down.
Who, Maddox?
No, totally different group of bad people.
I'll tell you all about it.
Let's go, CJ.
[Jeff] I call top bunk.
[CJ] Bottom.
[door bangs]
[dramatic music]
[classical music]
[foreboding music]
[upbeat music]