You really don't remember what happened last year?
FIONA: School. Now. LIP: I dropped out.
-Get your diploma, I'll get mine. VERONICA: What you doing?
-Studying. -You taking your GED? All right, Fi.
JIMMY: Estefania, Fiona.
You married a drug lord's daughter?
JIMMY: I'm not in love with her.
She doesn't love you either. She's got this other guy Marco.
JIMMY: Marco, you're me now, take my identity.
If Este's dad comes looking, she'll be married.
KAREN: We can't have sex anymore.
-I'm pretty sure that Jody's gonna propose. LIP: You're better than this guy.
Stay the fuck away from me and stay the fuck away from this baby.
LIP: Is it all right if I stay over tonight?
Couldn't go 12 hours without seeing me?
Went to the clinic today, said me having kids, not likely.
KEVIN: No one said we have to stop trying. -Hello, boys.
-We got nothing to be ashamed of. -Fucking world do you live in?
MICKEY: Officer.
COP: Get on the ground. -This violating my probation? Heh, heh.
KAREN: Unh!
-Is it the baby? -No. It's you. Get out!
I really am so sorry about all of this with Karen.
You deserve better.
Congratulations, my boy. You hit the jackpot.
-Frank. -What?
I think you should go.
Why don't you just live at your real home with your real family?
I don't like them.
And they don't like me.
FIONA: Hey, stop that! Hey!
Please just go. Leave.
IAN: Mind if I sleep here for the night? -It's no problem for me.
LIP: Legal resident here, Steve? -Name's Jimmy now.
"Steve" was an alias he used to lie about who he was.
-I wanna meet your family. -Sorry to be late.
These are Fiona's brothers, Carl and Ian.
IAN: Do they know you're gay?
LLOYD: I'm not gay. -Really?
-It's coming. It's coming. ALL: Whoo!
-Doctor. DEBBIE: What's wrong with him?
-He has Down syndrome, Debs. -Yeah, and he's Asian.
KAREN: Take it back to the hospital, somebody will want it.
I want it.
It's me or the baby.
The baby, sweetheart.
LIP: You know, you're gonna regret this.
JIMMY: I love you.
-Are you gonna leave? -No.
Everybody always leaves.
JIMMY: I won't.
Ugh.
-Morning, sunshine. -Why didn't you wake me up?
-I gotta make lunches before work. -Already done.
Carl, my man, would you like some more French toast?
CARL: Uh-huh. FIONA: Lip and Ian?
JIMMY: Already fed and gone.
Why are you eating a Popsicle for breakfast?
CARL: Jimmy said it was okay.
JIMMY: Got your smoothie ready to go. -Where's Debbie?
CARL: Out front like always.
FIONA: Morning, Debs.
DEBBIE: One hundred and thirty-seven days.
When I was 9 he was gone for a year.
He always comes back.
CARL: Lunch.
FIONA: He'll be back, Debs.
He always comes back.
COP: Hey, señor.
Hey.
[COP SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Hey.
[COP SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
-Yeah. -Yeah.
[MAN 2 SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Hey, help me.
You need help?
Yes, thank you. Where am I?
-Juarez. -Mexico?
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Did I miss Christmas?
Christmas? You almost missed Easter.
There's an Escalade parked across the street with someone in it.
It's nice. Still has its hubcaps. I think it was there yesterday too.
-Popsicle for breakfast? -Carl's teeth hurt.
Yeah, because he's eating Popsicles for breakfast. Did he brush?
-Before he left? -Yeah, think so.
Did you check his toothbrush, see if it was wet?
Hm. I was hoping that you'd still be in bed when the kids left for school.
I have to work.
-You've got five minutes. -Five?
Make it 10 if I focus on White Sox scores or something.
FIONA: Liam?
JIMMY: Just plop him down in front of The Wiggles, he's good for hours.
[BOTH PANTING]
I can't be late. I can't be late, I need the cash for the property tax bill.
Don't tell my kids they can do things they know they can't.
-Your kids? -A Popsicle?
So I'm just the nanny?
I can feed them, change them, but when Carl wants a second Popsicle--
-Second? -Didn't like the first. Banana.
His teeth are going to rot out of his head.
-We just spent two grand on his braces. -We?
What?
Not "we," me. I paid for Carl's braces.
No more Popsicles for breakfast, okay?
Lip and Ian left early?
Said they had to pick something up downtown.
-Downtown? -What they said.
Pick up what?
LIP: Go, go, go!
When you said you had access, I thought you meant through a door.
I may have fudged on that a bit.
COP 1: Hey! LIP: Come on.
Get out of the way, get out of the way.
COP: Kid, stop. Out of the way. Stop it!
Watch it!
LIP: Jesus, whatever happened to fat, donut- eating cops? Now they're all Triathletes.
Catch.
IAN: Tall prick looks good for another ten miles.
COP 2: Shit.
LIP: Ditch it out at the street, yeah?
IAN: Wait, wait, wait, maybe they'll give up.
LIP: What are you doing?
BOTH: Shit. Shit.
Whoa, whoa.
COP 1: Right there, hold it!
No way West Point takes you with a felony conviction.
COP 2: Hey.
-Catch you at the courthouse later? COP 2: Don't be stupid.
LIP: Call Mandy, all right?
Milkoviches gotta have a good bail-bondsman.
LIP: Argh!
[BABY CRYING]
Baby.
It's your turn.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
I know you're awake, you're making that fakey sleep sound.
[BABY CONTINUES CRYING]
I was up at 3 and 5.
Get your ass up, you goddamn, pony-tailed, Fabio motherfucker!
JODY: What?
Get your goddamn ass out of this bed! It's your fucking turn!
JODY: Is someone tearing his flesh off?
[JODY GROANS]
We sure this Ferber dude knows what the hell he's talking about?
Go!
[BABY CONTINUES CRYING]
[BABY STOPS CRYING]
JODY [SINGING]: Hush little baby don't say a word
[BABY CRYING]
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird
[BABY CONTINUES CRYING]
Stop it!
[MAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
AGENT: Passport, please.
[CHICKEN CLUCKING]
[SIGHS]
MAN 1: Come on, man. Where's he going?
FRANK: Medical emergency.
MAN 2: Hey, why's he going?
-Morning. -Passport?
Uh, yeah. Uh....
No. Must have left them in my other pants.
But I'm an American citizen. Chi Town born and raised.
No passport, no entry.
What? Since when?
Since Al Qaeda decided Americans needed killing.
You see, here's the thing, Agent Tacker.
You look like a man who occasionally enjoys a malt beverage...
...so you can understand, every once in a while a couple drinks can get out of hand.
But when it happens, next morning you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off...
...and get right back on the horse. Am I right, or am I right? Just let me cross.
I won't tell anyone, I promise.
You got a driver's license?
Any form of photo ID?
Costco card?
Do I look like I've got a Costco card?
You look like you need a course of penicillin and a lice comb.
Call home, get somebody to send you some kind of photo ID...
...so we can use it to make you a temporary passport.
Get cleaned up.
Not letting you into this country so you can add to Texas' homeless population.
Next.
[URINE TRICKLING]
FIONA: He just walks in. Doesn't even bother to knock.
That's nothing, Kev waltzes in, does his sit-down business while I'm taking a bath.
KEVIN: Only one bathroom, had to go.
We have another bathroom, but Jimmy can't be bothered to go downstairs?
Kev once did his poopy business while I was brushing.
KEVIN: Only one bathroom.
FIONA: Can I steal some of this? -Sure.
Yesterday I caught him vacuuming and watching Rachael Ray.
-Kev doesn't even know what a vacuum is. -Sure I do, outer space.
Dude in Armageddon got sucked right out of his space suit, exploded.
Nice overalls.
$14.50 an hour. You haven't lived till you've vacuumed up toxic waste.
Hey, what do you think, am I camera ready or what?
FIONA & VERONICA: Ow!
My man. My topless web traffic is way down, too many girls ironing.
We're going to have a kid, I need to save for when my tits are the size of watermelons.
Probably a market for pervs who wanna see a woman nursing.
Kev's worried our kid might find these online one day.
Ooh. Shit on the net never goes away.
Kev junior's gonna be surfing for porn, see his momma's big titties and get hungry.
So we're trying a new web thing.
Couple act. Master and slave. Wah.
-In a cast? -Hey, man's got to eat.
-That's so wrong. -It's educational.
By acting out a scene from the old plantation, we're providing content...
...for an internet audience that embraces a truthful reenactment of our past.
It's racist and wrong.
Which is why it's gonna make money because this country is racist.
What's that about?
Place we were working yesterday had a couple billion fleas.
Jimmy doesn't really do anything, he just hangs around the house all day with Liam...
...making smoothies, acting like he's the kids' new dad.
So he's vacuuming, cooking and changing dirty diapers and you're still pissed?
Thought that's what you ladies wanted, shared housework, wage equality.
All that Hunger Games, Lady Gaga, girl-power shit?
We say it, but we don't mean it. Nothing sexy about a man with a mop.
MAN 1: I know a way to make it fun.
MAN 2: What's that? MAN 1: Guess.
MAN 2: I don't know, tell us!
MAN 3: At least give us a hint! MAN 1: Okay.
Hey, my man.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
MAN 2: Huh?
MAN 3: I know, by singing words, it will be fun.
My man.
MAN 1: That's right, Sid, you guessed it.
Living with someone's hard. Last time you were with a guy longer than weeks?
-Pssh. Never. FIONA: Wha--?
How long you been living with Jimmy, three months?
-Four. -Boring happens. We all get bored. It'll pass.
He'll stop being boring again soon.
[SIGHS]
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[MEN SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
NANDO: Well, hello, Steve.
JIMMY: Nando.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Where is she, Steve?
[IN ENGLISH] Where's who?
Estefania, Steve.
My daughter.
-Your wife. -Ah.
-What are we doing today? -Biohazard.
Listen up. Sewer main backed up.
Sent effluent geysering out their basement toilet.
Got a few blocks of raw sewage down there.
Better grab the waders.
MAN: Bullshit! Bullshit! It's fucking bullshit!
Motherfucking asshole son of a bitch...!
JUDGE: Phillip Ronan Gallagher.
Breaking and entering, grand theft, assaulting two law enforcement officers.
Campus security, Your Honor.
Can rent-a-cops really be counted as law enforcement officers?
-It's been, what, a couple of months? -Almost a year, Your Honor.
-Turn a new leaf or just dumb luck? -Walking the straight and narrow.
Thanks to the wise counsel and guidance previously provided by this court.
-Are you mocking me, Phillip? -No, Your Honor, absolutely not.
You know, I've nothing but respect for this court and for the rule of law it represents.
You know, the rights we derive from over 900 years of fealty to the Magna Carta...
...are the only thing standing between us and the anarchy of mob rule.
Hm. Still a minor, what a shame.
The defendant before you beat a co-worker to death with a nail-studded 2x4...
...for finishing the coffee and not starting a new pot.
You show up in this court again as an adult, I'll make sure he's your cell mate.
-How do you plead? -Not guilty, Your Honor.
JUDGE: Set a date for prelim. Five hundred dollars bond.
RECORDING [ON PHONE]: Please say, "Collect." Calling card third number or enter your--
-Collect. -Please say your name.
-Frank. -Thank you.
Ugh.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
FIONA: What's it mean when there's a plus sign?
WOMAN: International call.
Probably some Nigerian calling to tell you you won a million bucks.
Ugh!
Daddy.
Daddy?
Daddy.
Frank?
Daddy.
[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TV]
Frank.
Ugh.
He's not here.
No cookies.
Jimmy didn't make any cookies.
JIMMY: Yeah, that's good, perfect.
Estefania and I spend time helping a friend look after her siblings.
Tragic story really, mom's gone, dad's a drunk--
-Out. -It's okay. Thank you.
Whoa. Hey. How you--? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got you.
NANDO: If he tries to run, shoot him.
You know, I was surprised to see you in the States.
I thought that the DEA had you on a watch list.
They do.
So you can imagine how happy I am to come here, Steve.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
Papi.
Stevie, you home. How was your trip?
-Your plane safe? -Save it. He knows.
Her English is getting good, right?
ESTEFANIA: Uh....
[IN PORTUGUESE]
Hey, sweetheart.
[IN PORTUGUESE]
MARCO [IN PORTUGUESE]:
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES]
[IN ENGLISH] Yeah. -No, Papi, no!
No, Papi, no!
No!
[ESTEFANIA SOBBING]
No.
No!
[ESTEFANIA SOBBING]
You can buy baby food at the Food 4 Less, sweetie.
They put artificial coloring and preservatives in that crap.
[PHONE RINGING]
Yeah, but the carrots gave him gas.
No, that was the peas and eggplant, won't do that again.
[BABY CRYING]
[GROANING]
It's okay. It's okay.
Hello.
RECORDING: You have a collect call from-- -Collect? Yes. Yes.
-Karen? Sweetie? -Karen?
Is she okay?
Sheils, honey. It's Frank.
Frank who?
"Frank" Frank.
Uh-- Uh-- Listen, Sheils, here's the situation.
I'm out of the country on business and it's the craziest thing...
...someone stole all my money and my passport.
Shit! Shit!
MAN: Hey, hey. Trouble, señor?
What?
Maybe I can help.
Here he comes.
MAN: Yo, man, I want to talk to somebody!
-You been up to see Mickey? -No.
I sent him some girl-on-girl porn last week, it's the only thing he ever wants.
-Hey. -Hey.
Thanks, man. How you doing?
Hey.
-Ow! What the fuck? -Asshole.
LIP: What the hell was that about?
Wasn't too happy to hear about you getting caught.
How'd it go?
Public defender thinks I can get off with community service if we take the laser back.
Underprivileged kid trying to gain access to equipment he doesn't have...
...at his ghetto ass underfunded high school.
IAN: Heh, heh. -Hey, thanks for bailing me out.
All Mandy, she used her dad's line of credit at Bad Bob's Bonds.
Miss a hearing, my dad will come after you...
...with a linoleum knife and a bucket of battery acid.
LIP: Hey.
[LIP GRUNTING]
-You knew about this? JIMMY: Absolutely not.
I'm shocked and humiliated by this betrayal, I can't believe it.
How could she be unfaithful to me after everything we've been through?
[ESTEFANIA SOBBING]
[IN PORTUGUESE]
Better safe than sorry.
Well, looks like you guys don't need me around here anymore.
Put some gloves on.
You get to hold his foot while I cut.
[SAW BUZZING]
[ESTEFANIA SCREAMS AND SOBS]
WOMAN: Fiona.
Burrito?
I warmed it on the septic truck engine. Works great.
Uh-- No, thanks.
So my lazy-ass nephew, my brother Howie's kid with the big head?
-You remember him from school? -Howie, Jr., sure.
Anyway, he's back from college for the summer--
Howie, Jr.'s in college?
Wrestling scholarship.
Majoring in beer pong and date rape from what I hear.
Anyways, he's back for the summer and he needs a job.
You're a hard worker, but blood is blood.
When's Jr. back?
That's it?
I'll call you if anything big comes up and we need some extra hands.
NANDO: We're almost done here. Now get your wife dressed and go have a nice dinner.
Huh? Someplace expensive.
I'll come join you later.
I only have one shoe.
Take a pair of Marco's, he always had good taste in footwear.
[IN PORTUGUESE]
No. Toss it with the rest.
MANDY: It was stupid. I've spent too many Saturdays stuck on a bus...
...going downstate to get felt up by dyke prison guards.
No school science project is worth going to jail for.
LIP: Not for school. -What, were you gonna pawn it?
LIP: Nope. -Sell it on eBay?
LIP: No.
Gonna teach some arrogant college wapanese assholes...
...not to fuck with the South Side.
[DEVICE HUMMING]
[MANDY LAUGHS]
MANDY: Sure you are. -What the fuck?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[MANUEL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
You know, a fast-moving current can knock a grown man off his feet.
[MANUEL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
FRANK: Did you see Anaconda?
MANUEL: Hey. Shh. Just keep moving, all right?
That was Central America. Okay, I'm going.
LIP: That's not how lasers work. DEBBIE: Yes, they do.
LIP: No, they don't.
What's that?
It's a miniature Mars Rover, mounting a helium-neon laser on it.
-We're gonna blow shit up with it. -Hey, language.
Hey, final notice on the property tax, you going down there tomorrow?
IAN: Later. -Where are you going?
IAN: Study group.
-No dinner? DEBBIE: No Jimmy.
CARL: No cookies after school either. -He wasn't here when you came home?
No and his Beemer's still out front.
Want me to open a can of tuna?
-Sure. LIP: You wanna get that one for me?
-Whiskey, I need whiskey. -Shh.
-We have to stay hydrated. -The sun's almost down, it's not hot.
How much further?
Twenty miles to the rendezvous.
-How far have we gone so far? -Two.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Can we stop for a second, I'm getting a blister.
[IN SPANISH]
FRANK: No, seriously, I'm wearing the wrong shoes, anybody have a Band-Aid?
[ALL CLAMORING]
Shit.
Jesus.
Okay. Okay.
American. American.
I'm an American. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[AGENTS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Did you check the hospitals today?
No Frank.
Okay, Deb.
Come on, time for bed.
He'll come back, Debs.
Frank's like scabies.
You can't get rid of him no matter how hard you try.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES]
Bedtime.
Ian?
Mandy.
Yeah, her dad's mixing vodka and speedballs again, so....
You being smart?
-Lost my job today. -What, you fucking the boss?
No, nepotism. Nephew.
LIP: Hey, uh....
We gonna have enough for the property tax bill?
Just. With the check I got today.
Where you been?
-I just ran into a friend. Grabbed dinner. -Oh.
-What are you doing? -I was burning my clothes.
-Why? -You don't need to know.
-I don't? -Nope.
Take a shower.
Scrub my back?
You want me to scrub your back?
[FIONA GIGGLING]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
LLOYD: No, no. Use Euler's.
IAN: Where? Here? -Come on.
-Cosine X. -Oh.
Yeah.
Hey. Catch.
Open it.
-What is it? -GPS wrist unit.
For your ROTC orienting weekends.
So you know where you are.
We're supposed to learn that off of maps and stuff.
Come on. They teaching you how to use a sextant?
Modern infantry officers have, like, a grand worth of satellite gear in their pack.
We need to learn how in case we get separated from our unit...
...or all that fancy equipment breaks down in a harsh environment.
Oh, come on.
Just take it.
I sort of have a boyfriend.
Well, I sort of have a wife.
He's been gone for a while but he's gonna be back in a couple weeks.
Young or old?
-Young. -Ah.
You up for a threesome? Hm?
-I mean, an old guy can dream, can't he? -Ha, ha, ha.
Keep dreaming.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Come here.
JIMMY: Who needs more eggs? IAN: Me, please.
CARL: Yeah. DEBBIE: Yeah.
-You came in late for a school night. -Trig test in a couple weeks, you know.
FIONA: Couldn't find your pants? DEBBIE: Stop making a mess.
I made them lunches. What time you have to be at work?
-Laid off. CARL: Stop it.
-That's all right. You hated that job. -Didn't hate the money.
-Time to get in bed when the kids leave? -I wish. I can't, I have a meeting.
Bus is leaving, dishes in the sink. Mandy, you need a ride?
-If you got room. JIMMY: All right.
FIONA: Meeting with who? -Old friend from last night.
FIONA: Old friend have a name? JIMMY: Arnando. Used to work together.
-He came unexpectedly. -Used to work together doing what?
Butcher shop.
-Debbie, milk in the fridge. All right! LIP: We're coming.
JIMMY: Train's leaving! Mandy!
JIMMY: Get in the back. Are you guys ready?
You good? You good?
Hey, just, uh....
I'll be back. Just don't make the bed.
LIP: Let's go, Jimmy!
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
What now?
Now you go away.
What? That's it? You're just gonna give up?
Hey, I'm thirsty.
-You a quitter, Manuel? -What?
A quitter? A little baby quitter?
[IN SPANISH]
-I'll give you a thousand dollars. [IN ENGLISH] You promised me five!
That or let me cut out a kidney to sell.
FRANK: Well, that was before I realized that you were a little pansy quitter.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Now, that is the spirit I've been looking for.
But let's channel it into something constructive.
Like getting me on the other side of the Rio Grande.
[IN ENGLISH] How bad do you want to get back?
-It's "badly," but yes, bad. -Come, amigo.
Let me introduce you to my friend, El Cuchillo.
-El Cuchillo? -Yeah.
-Cuchillo. -Let's go.
Cuchillo. "The knife"?
Your sister doesn't like me.
No, she's just worried I'm gonna knock you up.
Doesn't want any more Gallagher mouths to feed.
I'm not my mom, 13 with my brother on her hip.
-Thirteen, huh? -Twelve when she got pregnant.
DICK: What the hell is that?
This? This is a helium-neon laser.
I'm gonna perform Lasix on near-sighted neighborhood kids.
Fifty bucks a pop.
What are you doing this summer?
Probably pretty much what I did last summer.
Drink too much beer, smoke a lot of weed.
Yeah, well, that ain't gonna work.
You're gonna pad your résumé for your college apps this summer.
You're a poor kid from the South Side.
And you got a 4.6 and that's great, but you're gonna need a full ride.
-What's so goddamn funny? -No, it's just, um....
Why does everyone think I'm going to college?
Dummy. You're going to college. And you're gonna graduate.
And then get your masters and your doctorate.
Then you're gonna make a boatload of money.
Spend the summer padding this résumé.
Uh....
Doing what?
I don't give a shit.
Teach brain-damaged kids how to make plastic explosives...
...or the blind how to blow glass.
You know, I already have my sights set...
...on a few hundred hours of community service.
Okay.
That's good.
Get it done.
Courtesy of Cook County Juvenile Court System.
You got a 4.6?
My GPA is, like, 1.2.
How smart are you?
VERONICA: You find anything?
-Nothing I can get with a GED. -Go to Malcolm X. Take some Nurse classes.
You got Jimmy playing Mr. Mom, take advantage of it.
-This Aunt Jemima scarf too much? -You topless?
-Yeah. -No one's looking at your head.
-How much does college cost? -Nothing.
Take out a shitload of student loans, then bail on the feds once you get your degree.
Bookkeeping, accounting, x-ray technician, dental hygienist--
Ech! I get grossed out just flossing my teeth.
I've been shoveling sewage the last month.
Computer programming. Drug and alcohol rehab counselor.
Have the practical experience for that one.
Crap, you need a bunch of psych pre-requisites first.
Take the civil service exam, get on the ITC.
-Drive a bus? -Pension, health care, paid vacations.
-Or there's the post office. VERONICA: Uniforms are for shit.
Everyone looks like they have a dick in those pants.
Wow. Lot of people queuing up online for this. This might just work.
Club's gonna open up the outdoor patio soon.
Maybe Meg would give me a shot at managing, or at least my old job.
Slinging Appletinis? Didn't need to get your GED to shake your tits for frat boys.
The money's good and it doesn't require pre-requisites.
Requires a couple. Set up the camera.
-We're ready to go. -Who are you supposed to be?
Thomas Jefferson.
Okay, Miss Sally, get your revenge for me raping you in the slave quarters.
VERONICA: Massa. -Ah! Ooh.
Get down, you white motherfucker. Get in there. Oh!
Now get that ass. Munch it, munch it.
Do the alphabet.
We shall overcome, motherfucker. Get in there.
We shall overcome. Ah! Unh!
Get on.
FIONA: Hey, Meg. How are you?
Fiona. Gallagher.
Sure, how you been?
Thought I'd stop by, see if you were staffing up for summer yet.
Patio's not open until Memorial Day.
But if you want to push cocktails in six-inch heels...
...I can always use another pretty girl for the summer.
I was hoping you'd give me a shot at assistant managing...
...like we discussed last fall.
[MEG SIGHS]
-Congrats. -Yeah.
I know I screwed you over last time. It's a family thing, my mother was--
I get it, you have it tough.
But fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice....
I won't let you down again.
Come on, give me one night to show you what I can do. You won't regret it.
Give me a thousand bucks, I'll find you a night to promote.
FIONA: Promote? -Yeah, you take over the club, do it all.
-How about Tuesday the 15th? -Next week?
Show me what you got.
-I don't have a thousand dollars. -So I'll pencil you in to work the patio.
Give me a call mid-May and keep the weight off.
[SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]
-Mimosa? -Sure.
A man has few things of real value in this life.
His family.
His friends.
His ability to honor his commitment. The value of his word.
Eat, please.
I believe the only true measure of a man...
...is his willingness to accept responsibility for his action.
Don't you agree?
MAN: We're here.
Beautiful, very peaceful.
The Great Lakes, right?
JIMMY: Lake Michigan.
NANDO: How many Great Lakes are there? -Uh....
Five?
I knew the Great Lakes were big, but I never imagined it would be this big.
Just like a sea.
Surprisingly heavy for a man with so few brains.
[SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]
[IN ENGLISH] So Steve...
...are you a man capable of honoring your commitments?
Are you a man of your word?
[MEN SPEAKING IN ENGLISH]
MANUEL: Cuchillo
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
So you are an American, huh?
-Yeah. -Wanting to go home...
...but you have no papers?
No. See. We were sort of partying--
-Say, "Ah." -Ah. Ah, ah, ah.
Good?
Whoa! No, amigo, I'm not that kind of girl, I--
Jesus--! Okay. Okay, fellas...
...I'm really kind of getting skeeved out here.
[MANUEL SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
[MEN SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
FRANK: Can I--? Can I take--? MAN: Good luck, putita.
What happened to paying you when you do the work?
It was her way of telling me to go fuck myself.
What pissed me off was how she assumed that I couldn't come up with the money.
-Smug bitch. -We did all right on that master-slave thing.
-I could loan you the money-- -No. It's okay.
I love you, but you gotta save up for when you have a baby.
What about Jimmy?
He's being weird.
Meg's right. I am a loser.
One more ghetto girl who thinks she's the shit.
-I can't manage a club. -What's that, self-pity?
No, reality.
I'll take the Civil Service exam, clean bus shelter trash barrels for the city.
VERONICA: Hey!
You're Fiona Gallagher.
You can do anything you set your mind to.
You got your GED. You been raising a family of six since you were 15 years old.
You're a rock star and Meg's a frigid bitch.
What's that?
My final paycheck.
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: Looks like this battle is almost over!
[CROWD CHEERING]
The Red Robotron is in trouble!
Scorpio 5 for the win!
Back for yet another round of ritual humiliation, Gallagher?
Finally gonna win this time, Goff.
College entrants only today, it was on the website.
Or don't you have internet down at MLK Charter?
Afraid a teenager is gonna kick the shit...
-...out of your half-assed bucket of bolts? -Heh, heh. Your engineering can't compete...
...at the Black Bot Championship Trophy level, Gallagher.
Who'd you steal your designs from this time?
Was it Carnegie Mellon or MIT?
Entry fee is 150, and we don't take food stamps.
ANNOUNCER: Next match: Scorpio 5 versus the Impaler!
Let the battle begin!
Oh, the Impaler strikes!
Scorpio 5 down!
Piece of cake.
[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
[FRANK CHUCKLES]
Whoa, whoa. How am I supposed to swallow that?
Who said anything about swallowing?
NANDO: She's always been a problem.
It's been a relief to have her out of the house these last months.
She was wrecking my marriage. Pull!
[GUNSHOT]
-You lied to me, Steve. -Yes, but I thought--
You told me you were going to look after her. Pull!
[GUNSHOT]
I'm sure it's been difficult. She's a bright girl.
But I spoiled her.
I grew up poor, you know.
I wanted her to have things I didn't have at the favela. An education, food.
A toilet. Pull!
[NANDO SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
I've arranged for Estefania to pursue an economics degree...
...here at the University of Chicago.
I want her to be an American citizen, Steve.
When Immigration comes...
...you will be her husband. Pull!
You think you can do that for me, Steve?
Can I trust you?
Absolutely.
But that means you can't get into any trouble.
No stolen cars, no drugs.
How am I supposed to make a living?
Get a job.
And the slum girl-- Fiona, yes?
You can fuck her all you want for fun.
But you're a married man now. She stays what she is.
A ghetto whore.
ANNOUNCER: In this corner, the Terror of Northwestern U, Rent-A-Raptor!
[CROWD CHEERING]
And in this corner, representing the South Side...
...Frank!
[SPUTTERING]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rum-bot!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Next.
-Go ahead. Step up, please. -Thank you.
-Passport. ANNOUNCER: Let's battle!
ANNOUNCER: Ooh! Frank is in trouble early.
-Fry the fucker, come on. ANNOUNCER: Oh, Frank gets away!
-Get out of there! -What are you doing?
Frank is loose!
Rent-A-Raptor!
IAN: Go, go, go! -Wait, wait.
ANNOUNCER: Frank is on the run!
[BEEP]
ANNOUNCER: Oh, looks like Frank is down for the count.
-Get out of the way! -Get out, go! Go!
-I got it. ANNOUNCER: Rent-A-Raptor coming for the kill.
[DEVICE HUMMING]
It won't be long now.
[CROWD GASP, THEN CHEER]
He did it! He did it!
We have a new champion!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Welcome home, Mr. Duncan.
WOMAN: Jack.
Jack!
Just keep walking.
-No trouble? -They just waived me right through.
WOMAN: El Gran Cañon in person.
El Gran Cañon, your new nickname. You're already a legend.
Eighteen balloons? We've never had more than eight up one ass.
You have more coke up your anus than any drug mule in cartel history.
It's like taking a shit backwards. Heh, heh.
Ex-Lax. Normally, I would say take two, but for you, maybe the whole box.
So you're just gonna play the same playlist that you did last night. Awesome.
FIONA: Tuesday the 15th?
A thousand dollars, it's all there.
No, I'm sure it is. But, you know, look...
...promoting a new night is difficult. I should have explained--
-I want the club. -You've got a bunch of kids at home.
-I don't think you should-- -Do I have the club or not?
Okay. You're on the calendar.
[VERONICA GROANING ON CAMERA]
Hey, beautiful! Dinner's almost ready.
FIONA: Jesus, Jimmy, you always gotta monitor Carl when he's online.
JIMMY: Okay, sure.
I'm sorry.
-What the hell were you watching? -History Channel.
JIMMY: Dinner! -Where were you all day?
Just, you know, running errands.
This and that. How was your day?
Remember Meg? She's gonna give me my own night to promote.
That's great.
IAN & LIP: Whoo! -Yeah!
-You won? LIP: Oh, yeah.
Nothing left but smoking metal and bruised geek egos.
Yeah, plus 400 bucks cash prize for first place.
Help out a little bit with the property tax bill.
You want me to run the payment down to the post office before school?
No, I got it.
That's still daddy's spot.
-Anything at the hospitals? -I forgot to check today, Debs.
-I'll call after dinner, okay? -Here we go, dinner's served.
-Oh, what's that? JIMMY: Can we make way over here?
Thank you, Billy!
[ALL CHATTERING]
Yeah, you saw. It's like a miniature--
[ALL CHATTERING]
KAREN: Robot Wars?
JIMMY: Some of that. All right, so, Robot War.
It's like cage fighting. Like, octagon rings and....
Daddy.
Daddy!
[CHATTERING]
FIONA: And it's like a laser?
[ALL CHATTERING]
Nineteen.
[LAUGHS]
Thank you, Sheila. e a laser?