(tires squealing)
WOMAN: Archer. An all new season.
Thursday, March 31 on FX.
FXX presents It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
DENNIS: All right, so there we were. We're in the brig
and the whole ship just, you know, bumps.
We get thrown against the wall.
Yeah. You know, the-the lights are going off.
The sirens are blaring. Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
How did we get in the brig in the first place?
What do you mean, Frank? You were there.
I'm very cloudy about the beginning.
I think I need a recap.
Recap? A recap would be good, you know?
Just to kind of brush up on everything that happened.
A recap... Now, see, I forgot that.
Honestly might be good because, you know,
we want him to be completely clear
before the final judgment.
All right, you know, Right, yeah.
The amount of energy we're using talking
about whether or not we should recap,
we may as well just recap, so fine, fine.
So there we were. We're on a Christian cruise.
Yeah, we were all thrown in the brig
for various sins that we committed.
Me, admittedly, for a little bit of lust.
Um, and in summation, we're all good people,
asking for forgiveness,
My thing, not a rape.
Move on; you're losing him.
I just want to be clear.
Okay, yeah, yeah. I just wanted to be clear.
(alarm blaring)
(thunder crashes)
What the hell is that?
What're those sirens for?
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
See, I knew I shouldn't have come on this cruise.
I knew it! I mean, it used to be I would never even leave Philly!
And then, you know, you guys drag me into this,
you drag me into that, and next thing I know,
I-I'm stuck in a box on a sinking ship!
Hold on, the boat's not sinking. How do you know that?
How do you know it's not...?
(alarm stops)
Well... Oh.
There you go. It stopped.
All right, uh, I guess that's good.
I mean, like... like, if something went wrong,
they-they'd come down here, they'd get us, right?
You know what, guys, what difference does it make?
You know?
Life is just a series of events
with no meaning or plan, you know?
It's like, we live, we die,
we're gay, we're straight, we're tops, we're bottoms.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Calm down, everybody.
We're gonna be in the Bahamas in an hour.
Well, you sure? Like, I... I don't think we're moving.
We're moving. I can hear the engine buzzing like crazy.
No, I think Charlie's right.
I-I don't think that we're moving, and-and besides,
the buzzing would be, like, an electrical system.
You know? The engine sounds more like...
(imitating a motor boat)
Yeah, maybe on a speedboat. This is a big cruise ship.
It's got like a big, deep sound; it's like a...
(imitating engine starting)
Yeah, if you're starting the engine, but, like,
we would be hearing a steady...
Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah...
DENNIS: No, you guys are all wrong.
No, boats are mostly computerized these days,
so the engine barely makes any noise at all.
I mean, they-they make a fake noise
to-to make people feel better, but it's like... (deep humming)
But it's fake, it's not... it's not real, you know?
It's kind of like how I carry a little piece of onion
around with me to elicit tears, you know,
in case someone needs me to feel something
about what they said or are doing, you know what I mean?
Do you have an onion in your pocket right now? No.
No, I'm taking a vacation from myself.
W-Was it a vacation from hearing, okay?
'Cause if the engine was going, we would hear a gah, gah, gah,
gah, gah, gah, gah... Are you deaf, Charlie?
I was like... (imitating motor boat)
(all doing different engine imitations)
All right, okay, all right! I mean, that's ridiculous!
All right, all right, all right!
Goddamn! Okay, look.
Let's just, let's all agree
that it doesn't sound like a speedboat
or something that's off-roading, all right?
It does make a little bit of a buzz.
Yeah?
But most modern ships these days, their engines,
they don't make a lot of noise,
but they do make a little bit of noise.
Can we all just agree on this?
Yeah. DEE: Fine. Fine, I can live with that.
Fine, I can live with it. Fine.
Okay, all right. (groans)
How long have we been talking about this?
Four hours, six minutes.
(Frank whistles, groans)
Well, there's some pros and some cons, guys.
Pro: We've cut our conflict resolution time in half.
Four hours, that's good for us.
That's-that's huge, that's huge. Good work.
Con: Charlie's right, the ship is probably not moving
because we definitely would've been in the Bahamas by now.
What?
Yep. Oh.
Well, that's not good, right? I mean...
No. It's not good.
I mean, f-four hours?
Well... The-the boat not moving!
No one comes down to say anything like,
"Hey, guys, there's something wrong with the ship!"
No, they've forgotten about us!
And we're gonna die in here! Oh, my God, I'm freaking out.
We got to get out of here. Help! Whoa, whoa, Charlie, Charlie.
Calm down, Charlie. Help!
Help us! Charlie!
You got to help! Hey! Hey!
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
Mm, yep, yep, yep. Mm.
Wow. Yeah?
Yep. Oi, oi, oi.
What-what was that, dude?
You sound like a soccer hooligan.
Uh, yeah, that's just something I've been doing
with Charlie lately when he gets a little wound up.
You know, it seems to work.
Say yup, yup, yup. FRANK: Oh, that's good.
The most important thing for us to do now
is to keep our wits together.
We got to occupy ourselves. Mm-hmm.
Why don't we play a few games?
No, no! I just wanted to get away from you guys,
just for a few days.
Now we're stuck in a box,
and you're gonna play some games now?
You know what? I'm out.
What?
What the hell do you mean you're out?
I'm out. Nobody talk to me. MAC: No, Dee.
That's not a very good idea.
You know, when my dad was in solitary confinement,
I used to write to him every day to see how it was.
He never wrote back, but if he did, he would've said,
"Son, you've got to keep your mind active.
Also, I love you."
DENNIS: Uh, are you sure he wouldn't say,
"Remind me who you are again"?
Ho! (laughing)
That was great! That was Luther!
My-my-my dad knows who I am. Yeah-yeah.
Hey-hey, do the voice again, but this time say,
"I love you, son." Nah.
Oh. But, no, that's
a good distraction, like, um, you know,
like any kind of impressions you got, like any kind of...
You want to hear me do a couple of impressions?
That'd be fun. Yeah, okay, so let's see.
All right, so let me know which ones you want to hear.
I'm sorry, Dee, I thought you were sitting out.
Well, I was out, but then these guys wanted to hear
some impressions, and since I'm always wanting to be of service,
here I am, uh... They don't want to hear your impressions.
They want to hear my impressions. No.
Your impressions are terrible.
Are you out of your mind? No.
My impressions are fantastic.
Give me somebody. Anybody.
Do Obama.
Obama? Well, I can't do that.
Why not? Yeah. DENNIS: Why can't you do Obama?
'Cause he's a black man and I'm a white woman.
Can you give me a white woman?
You think I can't do a black woman?
(laughs): I mean...
No.
I... okay, give me, name one.
C.C.H. Pounder.
Who's that? C.C.H. Poun...
Yeah. The actress from The Shield.
Love that show. Okay, yeah.
No, I can do that. Yeah.
Let's see.
(imitating C.C.H. Pounder): Goddamn it, Dutch!
What other errands do you have us running for the D.A.?
BOTH: Wow! FRANK: Holy shit!
That was great!
That was spot-on!
Thanks, man. "Spot-on"?
You don't even know who she is, Frank.
I just assumed she's a no-nonsense
black broad from the precinct.
DENNIS: That's exactly who she is. That's exactly who she is.
(all clamoring)
Fine, fine, fine. I'll do Obama, okay?
Okay.
Okay, what do you got?
Hey, yo, what up, son?
What's up wit' Congress bein' all
up in my ass and shit, brother?
Oh! Oh!
Oh, my God, Dee. FRANK: That is bad!
What are you doing?
That was so racist.
Are you kidding me?! CHARLIE: Very racist!
Deandra, he is the president of the United States.
That's our president. DEE: Well, hold on a second.
Why was that racist, but what he did was fine?
Because that's not what Obama sounds like, Dee. That's why.
Uh... okay, well, you know, I-I'm just warming up.
Let me, let me try again. Um...
Hey, yo, where my senators at, dawg?
Oh! Oh!
Oi, oi, oi, oi!
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
Welcome to my first ever dinner party.
I'm gonna have lots of these types of functions
in the future, you know, with my new lifestyle. (chuckles)
Wow, you're really just diving right into that, huh?
Just, stereotypes and all.
Guys, we are gonna have an imaginary meal. Mmm.
I read about this. Yes.
If you truly believe it, then it will make you full. That's true.
Okay. Can I have a broad with me with big tits?
No, because that's gonna force us
to imagine things that we don't want to imagine.
Ah, good point. So get rid of my dog?
Yeah, no dogs.
Go! Go! Hey, get out of here!
Don't kick it. Get, get, get! Kick it in the skull.
We do not allow dogs in our house, right, Dennis?
Don't kick the dog.
Wh...? Our house? Wh-Why's it our house?
Okay, let's get started.
Let me... let me set the scene: the food.
The menu. Okay, all right. Ooh, yeah, start with the...
Yeah, yeah, let's get to it. Okay, all right, here we go.
Paint a nice picture for us, all right? I'm starving, man.
All right, now you're gonna start
with, like, a big hunk of chicken.
You know, like, boiled and skinless, or-or whatever.
CHARLIE: Huh. Ugh. DENNIS: Okay.
And then, um, you're gonna want brown with the white, right?
So, like, maybe, like, um, some, like, brown rice.
No... no butter
or-or seasoning or...
Really?
I want mashed potatoes.
No, no mashed potatoes; that's just empty carbs.
Why can't we just imagine whatever we want?
Because this is my dinner party.
Well, then take us there! Yeah!
All right! All right, okay.
Everybody's got something to drink.
Is it a milkshake?
No!
No, not milkshakes.
Gatorade.
And it's gonna be
my favorite flavor: blue.
"Blue" is not a flavor.
How am I gonna taste blue?
Well, just imagine what blue tastes like.
It does... It just tastes like blue.
Let's just dig in. Yeah, can we eat?
CHARLIE: Yeah, can we eat?
All right. Yes.
♪ ♪
FRANK: All right.
Mine's kind of tough.
D-Did you overcook this?
No, I didn't cook it at all.
Y-You... (spits)
Spit it out! It's raw! You're gonna get sick!
Spit it out, man, spit it out! No, no, don't spit it out!
What are you guys doing? You don't need to spit it out.
For the love of God.
Look, just imagine that it tastes good, okay?
Look at Dennis, see?
Oh, I'm not... I'm not imagining your meal.
No, I'm imagining a lovely coq au vin.
Braised with lardons and mushrooms.
I want that! Yeah.
Well, then have it... It's right in front of you.
As is your buxom date, Frank.
Ah, come here, baby.
Oh, hey!
She got her foot in my raw chicken!
Get your hooker's foot out of my chicken, man! No, no, no, no.
No dates, no coq au vin, no hookers. Get it out of my chicken!
Stop ruining this! I'm not ruining it.
(imitates buzzing)
What the hell is that?!
Oh, this? It's the sound
of my blender cranking milkshakes.
Anybody want one? (resumes buzzing)
Shit, I'll take a milkshake. Yeah. I'll have a milkshake... that sounds good.
FRANK: I'll take one. That is not what blenders sound like, Dee.
No! Don't leave my table! Crash!
Hey! What are you doing?
I'm flipping the table! Smash! Crash! Oh!
Now I'm breaking a plate! Boom! Smash! Oh, man.
DENNIS: What the hell, dude?!
Oh, that was really uncalled for. That's nice.
Nothing is working, all right?
You know what, I want you guys to just...
Everybody just be quiet.
Why don't we just try not talking for a while?
I'm fine with that.
Yeah.
Well, that'll be the first time ever.
(ship creaking)
(coin clinks)
(sniffs)
(coin clinks)
(grunts) (groans)
(coin clinks, hands smack rhythmically)
Shh! Of course.
(coin clinking, hands smacking rhythmically)
(Frank grunting to rhythm)
Yeah.
(rhythmic noises continue)
Okay.
MAC: Okay.
ALL: Ha!
(chuckles)
Well, that was lame.
So stupid. So stu...
I hated that show, Stomp.
Ugh, I hate rhythm. H-H-Hang on. Hang on.
D-Dee, what was that?
Well, I-I thought we were all doing,
like, a Stomp thing or something.
That-that bench, you opened that bench.
What's inside there? Oh.
That opens? Yes.
Maybe there's food in there.
Is there food in there?
Uh, no, just...
Just this water gun.
That's not a water gun, man, that's a flare gun,
which I'll hold onto for safekeeping.
Uh...
Why?
Well, because I'm the most responsible person.
Uh, guys, guys, I-I don't think any of us should have a gun.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, one of us does, so...
the end.
Charlie, Charlie, let me have the gun.
Back up, Frank. Don't come close to me. Whoa, Cha...
Charlie, calm down.
"Calm down, Charlie"?
We're trapped on a sinking ship, okay?
We're gonna die in here.
I don't know what you guys are capable of.
I will hold the gun, thank you very much.
Wait a second, Charlie, the... the boat's not sinking, okay?
It's-it's just stopped. Right. Right, it's okay.
Everything's gonna be all right
as long as everybody remains calm.
What the hell is that?
(loud rumbling)
(groaning) DEE: Oh, my God!
What's going on?
Wh-What was that?
Oh, this is bad.
This is really bad.
All right.
Let's think.
If the room's on its side,
does that mean the boat's on its side? Or...
Yeah, that's what it means! What are you talking about?!
I don't know how boats this big work. All right.
(all yelling for help)
Help us! This is bad!
This is very bad!
All right, we got to get up there and try that door again.
Maybe that lodged something loose.
Get up there? How are we supposed to reach?
Oh! What about a human pyramid?
Yes. Yes, Mac, a human pyramid.
All right, you and I will be the bottoms.
Why? 'Cause I'm gay?
(sighs) No, not because you're gay, dumb-ass!
Because we're the strongest.
Goddamn it. All right, and, Frank, Charlie,
you'll be on us.
And, Dee, you'll be on the very top.
DEE: Okay. Okay, I'll be a bottom now,
but in real life, just to be clear, I'm gonna be a top.
Okay, fine, when you're having gay sex, you can be on the top.
But for now we're on the bottom.
Damn it, the door is locked!
We're done for! We're gonna die in here! DENNIS: Hey, Frank.
Frank, get yourself together! We're gonna die in here!
Stop losing your shit! All right, relax!
Nobody's dying! DEE: That's right.
Just listen to Charlie; he seems to have
his head straight. Calm down.
'Cause we're already dead.
Come again?
I figured it out.
We're dead. We died.
And I don't know when it happened.
It might have... might have happened on the cruise ship.
It might have happened on the drive to the cruise ship.
You were going awful fast, Dennis.
(ship creaking) I don't know.
Maybe it happened weeks ago in the bar,
in some sort of colossal and awesome event, I would imagine,
but we're dead, and we're in hell.
We're just being toyed with here.
Or-or m-maybe we're not in hell yet.
You know, maybe this is purgatory,
and we're on our way to be judged.
And soon, oh, boy.
(chuckles)
Yeah, soon, we'll really be in hell.
Won't that be something.
Charlie, calm down. It's-it's gonna be fine, okay?
We can't be freaking out every five minutes.
Now, look, if we work together, everything's gonna be fine.
We're gonna get out of here.
Nah, we're already dead.
I'll prove it. (gun cocks)
(echoing): No!
(groans)
I think he's coming to.
CHARLIE: Oh, shit, that hurt.
FRANK: Oh, easy. (Charlie groans)
Well, I guess that means we're alive, huh?
Yeah, guess we are. Guess we are, Charlie.
Good, well, then maybe everything's gonna be okay.
Pal, we're in deep shit here.
Oh, shit! Take it easy. Okay, take it easy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take it easy.
It's not good. It's not good.
Oh. DEE: As long as, um,
we're not gonna get out of here...
And it looks like that's sort of where this is headed...
Is it okay if I just confess something,
get it off my chest before we die?
That's a good idea.
We shouldn't die holding things in about ourselves.
Go ahead, Dee.
Mac owns a Cowboys jersey.
I saw him wearing it in the back office.
What? Uh... What?!
That's a secret, Dee! What are you...
Don't say it's Romo. Of course it's Romo!
Who else would it be? Oh, my God!
(screaming) MAC: I'm sorry.
You don't think he deserves to be MVP?!
You son of a bitch. He's constantly overlooked!
You are a traitor!
How many Super Bowls have the Birds won?
Oh, shut up!
Go Birds! (caws)
Oi, oi, oi! Okay, you know what?
I've got something I want to confess.
Charlie changes Frank's prescription on his glasses
to keep Frank dependent on him.
Whoa! Why the hell you blowin' up my spot, man?!
DENNIS: What?! Uh, I'm sorry, Frank.
All right, fine.
Well, as long as we're "tattling,"
uh, Dennis ripped up all the letters
that your dad wrote from prison,
so... you know. (chuckles)
What?
My dad has been writing?
Dennis, is that true?
Yeah, man, but you were just gonna be, like,
talking about it all the time,
and then your dad was probably gonna come to our house
and, like, try to kill us or eat our butts.
You know? I'm trying to protect you, dude! And me.
Does he still write?
Well, no, pal, 'cause you never wrote him back.
(sighs)
But, hey, if it makes you feel any better,
I-I read all those letters,
and he never once said that he loved you.
He just mostly wanted you to send him,
like, pornographic magazines and put drugs in your butthole.
(sighs)
I can't believe this. I...
I could've had a relationship with my dad.
But you ruined it.
(scoffs)
Normally, I would attack you, but...
I-I don't have any fight left.
DENNIS: Wow.
Well, shit, man. I...
I... I hurt ya.
I can see that.
And, uh...
you know, it was... it was wrong of me.
Oh, God, I'll tell you...
I see how much pain you're in right now.
It's just...
(sniffles)
it's tearing me up inside.
(sobbing) Jesus, Dennis, you're crying.
(crying): Well, yeah.
I mean, you've turned me into a blubbering fool here,
because I've hurt...
not just my friend...
(sobs)
but my brother.
I've hurt my brother.
Onion! I just saw it! Onion!
He's got an onion there! Aw, I knew it!
He's got an onion!
You are such an asshole. I...
Now I gotta tell you!
I got a confession.
What is it, Frank?
I was at Chappaquiddick.
The girl, Teddy Kennedy,
the bridge, the car...
I played a major role.
Jesus, Frank, we're not doing confessions.
We're doing tattling. Keep up.
DENNIS: You know what? That's all right, it's okay.
Guys, let's just...
let's stop fighting, okay?
No more confessions,
no more tattling on each other, all right?
Look, guys,
let's just try to enjoy
these last moments we've got together.
Okay? Or these last hours.
Or, hell... it could even be days.
God, we're gonna drown.
I'm too young to drown!
We should die thinking good thoughts.
Yeah. For me,
that's Romo connecting with Dez Bryant.
Oh, stop it! You traitor!
You son of a bitch!
Shut your mouth!
Guys, guys, guys, don't fight.
Don't fight, come on.
Oh, we're not good people;
we can't even die peacefully.
Yeah.
♪ Amazing grace ♪
♪ How sweet the sauce... ♪
Sauce? ♪ That made... ♪
It's not "sauce."
Look, you gotta get the words right,
otherwise Jesus is gonna know we're trying to trick him.
Jesus isn't gonna listen to us.
He's just not, 'cause we're bad people.
But if he's gonna listen to anybody, he might listen to Mac.
Mac, you've been talking to him your whole life.
Mac... He knows you!
He doesn't even know who I am.
Save us! Mac, save us.
Guys, guys...
there is no God. Oi!
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi! Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
Okay, okay, okay.
One last shot.
Uh, dear Heavenly Father...
Yeah.
If you do exist, and you are listening,
if you could find it in your heart
to send us a miracle...
Just send us one miracle, please.
One miracle.
Our goose is cooked!
I'm going down.
Highway to hell, baby!
Sis... I love you.
Whatever.
What?
Whatever?!
(scoffs) Whatever?
Unbelievable!
Ah, whatever.
I can't believe nobody came to save us.
Should we do this?
Let's go be with the gang.
All right.
♪ ♪
(tapping sounds)
(ship creaking)
♪ ♪
A-And then, uh, you know,
and then we all got pulled up.
I mean, it was a miracle. It was an actual miracle.
Yeah. Hey, I'm sorry, can I stop...
Can you just move that light a little bit?
It's really blasting me right in my face. Yeah, it's been
blasting us this whole time. It's kind of blasting all of us.
Can you move the light, please? DEE: Just a little bit?
Sorry about that. Oh, wow!
CHARLIE: So much better.
Should've said something earlier.
Well, harrowing stuff,
but I think I got everything I need.
Could you mark down in your report,
uh, that I'm not gay? Because I'm not. What?
What do you mean, you're not gay? Since when?
He's gay. Oh, well, because.
God answered my prayers and saved us.
That means that there is, of course, a God,
and if there is a God, then in his infinite wisdom,
there's no way he would have made me queer.
DEE: Oh. MAC: So I'm-I'm straight.
All righty. Okay. Look, look...
are we gonna get in trouble because of this accident?
Uh, nope, you're good to go.
I just needed your report for my insurance claim.
Insurance claim? Y-You're not a cop?
Cop? No, I'm an insurance adjustor.
I'm just collecting reports of people's experiences
for insurance purposes. Oh.
Whew. I'm so relieved.
So, so... are we gonna get a payout?
Well, you might have,
had you not just admitted to breaking...
several laws.
What? Right, well... hang on, though.
I mean, we got trapped in a room... Yeah.
By a drunk captain who sunk the ship.
We almost died, man. Yeah, man. Yeah.
No, no, it wasn't the captain's fault. He was sober.
Well, what happened? Whose fault was it?
Nobody's fault.
The ship just hit a massive wave during the storm.
In the insurance biz, that is what we call
"an act of God."
Well, God is great.
♪ Oh, blessed is he that loves the Lord ♪
♪ Trust in Jesus and he'll restore ♪
♪ Well, when you're low and hard to bear ♪
♪ Jesus will answer prayer ♪
♪ Oh, Jesus ♪
♪ Jesus will answer prayer ♪
♪ Oh, Jesus ♪
♪ Jesus will answer prayer ♪
♪ Well, I know he'll take away your burdens ♪
♪ And he'll take away all your cares ♪
♪ Oh, blessed be the name of Jesus Christ ♪
♪ He hung up there on the cross and died ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
(trumpet plays off-key fanfare)
Brown.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH
♪ (classical piano)
Very nice, but maybe something simpler, monsieur?
(squeaks)
Can I try the, uh, Allegro Rainbow, please?
(whispering) It's beautiful.
What size is this? This is a three.
Is it a European cut? Well, of course, monsieur.
(sniffing) (soft honk)
Yep. I'll take this one.
(clicks tongue) Should I box it up, monsieur?
I'll just wear it out. Very well.
♪ (continues)
Baskets. All new, Thursdays at 10:00. (squeaks)
Only on FX.
ANNOUNCER: This spring...
How awesome is it to be back doing what we're best at?
(yawns)
MAN: Archer!
- Aaah! - Mmm.
Why the hell are you naked?
It's after Labor Day.
Mr. Archer? Mr. Archer.
Boop. Sorry. Had to take that.
ANNOUNCER: Archer.
Why does a divorce lawyer have grenades?
'Cause they're terrible people. Whoo-hoo!
ANNOUNCER: The all new season starts Thursday, March 31.
Only on FX.
(woman whispering)
- (silenced gunshot) - (silenced gunshots)
(door opens)
(line ringing)
(woman laughs) (phones ringing)
(sighs)
ANNOUNCER: The People v. O.J. Simpson.
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.