[traffic hums]
Peacock and Lee for 10 years in Sydney.
But you're originally from Melbourne?
Yeah, I moved to Sydney when I got married,
but then recently my husband ran off with an older woman
so I thought the best way to deal with the trauma,
run away, so here I am back in Melbourne.
That's just a temporary address, though.
I'm just in an Airbnb till I sort myself out.
None of that's relevant. I'll just shush.
[chuckles] I don't see a reference.
-No? -No. Is there a reference?
Oh… [tuts] No.
Can you get a reference?
No.
Well, that's going to limit your options.
I will take anything.
Family law.
Except maybe… Yeah, I did contract law.
I don't have any court experience.
And I'm not really a people person, so…
What about dead people?
Not really a dead people person either.
Gruber & Gruber, a small suburban firm
specializing in probate and wills.
-It's nothing fancy. -That's alright. I'm not fancy.
No.
Is this how you would normally dress for work?
Yeah. Every day.
I've got three suits all the same.
Saves time. Never have to make a decision about what to wear.
-It's great. -Is it? [chuckles]
May I suggest that you polish yourself up for the interview?
Ah…I think this is beyond polishing, don't you?
Could you at least lose the festival of brown?
You are blending into the chair like some sort of furniture chameleon.
Annabelle, do you mind if we talk about
this job that's come in for next week.
I'm really not sure… Oh!
I am so sorry. I did not see you there.
[upbeat positive music]
-Thank you. -I like your suit.
Reminds me of cheese.
Ooh. Strong choice.
-Ray Gruber. -Helen Tudor-Fisk.
Tudafish? What is that? Is that Dutch?
Fisk. Fisk with a K.
Oh, hello. Not Fisk as in…
Justice Anthony Fisk, yes, that's my dad.
-The great man! -Yeah, retired now, but yeah.
I only went before him a couple of times. I liked his style.
Real talky, your dad. Loves to talk you through the judgement.
Ooh, he does love an anecdote. Yep.
Alright, what have we got here.
Peacock and Lee. Good firm.
-Is there a reference with that? -Er, yeah…should be there.
The agency didn't send it?
Do you want me to give them a call?
-I'll see if they can send it over… -No, we're all good, Helen.
You know why?
-'Cause I like your face. -This one?
-A lot of experience in that face. -Mm-hm.
Says, "I've been around the block, I know what I'm doing." Yeah?
"I'm a workhorse." Yeah?
"Plain and simple. I get the job done." Am I right?
Yeah, that's me.
Plain and simple and…like a horse.
Helen, when someone dies, it's sad.
Mm-hm.
Then it's kind of boring.
There's a lot of business, a lot of paperwork.
What we've found here
is that people would prefer to deal with a more mature lady.
Can't say 'lady' anymore. It's sort of…um, female.
Non-male. Whatever you call yourself.
Woman, usually.
Point is, you are one.
So tick, tick and tick, Helen Tudor-Fisk.
Tick, tick and tick, as in, I got the job?
Yes! No-one in this pile even comes close to your age.
What are you? 50? 55?
47.
You look older. Which works for me.
-Start Monday? -Sure. Great. Thank you.
Welcome aboard. Great stuff. I'm loving the yellow.
Oh, good, because I just…
I'm joking. I'll see you Monday. No hi-vis, yeah?
Ok.
Thanks very much.
Sorry. Do you want to come in?
Who's the walking banana?
That's your replacement. She is the new you.
Is she afraid of being hit by a car?
Where's the reference?
Agency forgot to send it. Relax, she's a Fisk.
-A what? -Justice Anthony Fisk.
She's the daughter of a Supreme Court judge.
Exactly what we need here, Rozalind. A little bit of class.
[birds warble]
[dog growls softly] Oh, good, good.
[knock at door]
Yes. Hi. Juliana?
You've called me about a million times. What's the problem?
Ok, um, your grandmother is in my bedroom again.
She keeps coming in here and, you know, cleaning stuff up…
Apparently you're really messy and she doesn't like it.
Yeah, but I'm renting the house.
No, you're Airbnb-ing the house.
It's the same thing.
-Not really. -Yes, really.
And the listing said I would have the whole house
and your grandmother supposedly lives in the flat down the back, so…
She lets you have your dog here so you should be grateful.
I am grateful.
Um, but she needs to stop feeding the dog.
Doesn't need to be fed by her. I feed the dog.
She doesn't need to feed me either.
There's a fridge full of food there that she keeps bringing me.
Why is she bringing me food?
Because you've complained that the stove is broken.
What do you think she was going to do?
I thought she might fix the stove.
Oh, Ok, and now with the shoes. See, I need to…
[in Vietnamese] Juliana! What are you doing here?
They're my shoes.
[in Vietnamese] She’s complaining that you keep coming in here…
Yeah, can you explain the rules, please?
[in Vietnamese] Tell her, shoes belong outside.
[in Vietnamese] I don’t want the dirt inside please.
Sure, but…
[in Vietnamese] I don’t think she takes care of her dog.
[in Vietnamese] She doesn’t feed him, he’s always hungry.
[exclaims] [mutters]
OK, I know it's tough but that's…rules are rules.
I don't make the rules but we all need to abide by them, so thank you.
Oh, thank God. Oh, God, my shoes.
God, can I have my shoes, please?
Jeffo!
Yep, yep. Looking at the numbers right now.
Not bad. Could be better.
Can always be better.
[laughs loudly]
[continues laughing]
Ah, yeah. That's classic Bevvo.
[laughs]
But hey, let's talk timing.
Jeff? Jeff?
You're cutting out. Mate, can you hear me?
Jeff? Can you hear me?
Mate, we can all hear you.
Call me back when you can, Jeffo.
-Um, hi. -Hi.
Yeah, I'm really sorry but I have to ask you to leave.
Me? I have to leave?
Yeah, you can't shout in the cafe.
I didn't shout.
You're talking aggressively, so…
You know, your vibe is, like, really loud.
Ok, fine, but for the record, this is loud.
[shouts Wha-hey! Bevvo! Yeah, I'm an important businessman.
Business, business, business. Numbers, numbers, numbers.
I'm important! That's loud.
But what I'm doing now, what I was doing before,
that's talking at a perfectly reasonable level for a cafe, Ok?
Can you please just go?
A lot of us find shouting really triggering.
Oh, f… Triggering. Yeah, righto.
[mutters] God…
[camera clicks]
Sorry, what's it for?
It's for the website. The "Who We Are" page.
-I'm the webmaster. -Oh.
[camera clicks]] I think that's enough.
If you're happy with that… Yeah, I don't care…
Oh, God no. OK, take another one.
[camera clicks] Maybe you could put a filter on it.
Yeah, maybe.
-Helen. -Yes.
I'm Roz Gruber. Office manager.
I see you've met George.
The webmaster. Yeah. Still taking pictures.
Webmaster… He's our probate clerk.
Any questions on process, see George.
Will do.
And, sorry, did you say you're one of the Gruber & Gruber Grubers?
Yes. I'm Raymond's sister.
Right. But you're the office manager, not a solicitor?
Not anymore. She's been struck off.
I've not been struck off. I've been temporarily suspended.
But you could get struck off at any moment.
Why don't you go and do something useful.
-Yeah, I'll fix Helen's face. -Thank you.
Let me take you on a tour.
Great. Can I ask why you were suspended?
-No. -OK, I won't.
So, kitchen. Bushells, International Roast.
Anything on this side, help yourself.
Ok.
Twinings, fancy biscuits, teacups, etc., on this side
for client use only.
Please bring your own mug for use around the office.
And the Corn Thins are mine. Hands off.
-Morning, Fisk! -Any special milk, that's on you.
Got a bunch of files to get you going.
-Righty, I'm ready. -Raymond, do you mind?
-I'm in the middle of an induction. -It's not a hall of fame, Roz.
She hasn't had a lot to do since she was struck off.
Suspended. I've been suspended. I have not been struck off.
Still a bit touchy.
-We're in here now. -Yep. With you.
Coming.
The toilet key lives on this hook by my desk
and must be returned at all times.
Ok. And where's the toilet?
Just up there to the left.
Inside? So why do you lock it?
I like to keep track. Keeps the boys honest.
[whispers] Keeps the place clean.
OK, so do you check it after every visit?
Well, not after every visit.
Obviously I do have other things to do.
Sure, but do you see the problem?
If you don't check it after every visit,
theoretically I could get blamed for someone else's mess.
Do you know what I mean?
Someone else leaves the place in a state, you don't check it,
I use the bathroom, you do check it,
you might think I'm the one that left a crime scene in there.
Listen.
The toilet key lives on that hook.
Mm-hm.
-You can see my point, though. -No. No.
Rare, medium rare, well done.
All done and inducted?
I don't know. Have you finished talking about the toilet?
Yep, all good.
I don't quite understand why you would lock it when it's insi…
-Yep. I have. -Good. Alright.
Well, we have got you in there
until we can sort an office out for you.
-Ok, great. -Please, follow me.
Watch the edge of that. That'll get your knee every time.
-Shall we go in? -Yes.
-Helen. This is Ruth O'Malley. -Hello.
Ruth, I'm going to leave you with our new associate, Helen.
But don't you leave without giving me that apricot chicken recipe.
Will do. Thank you, Roz.
So, Ruth, can you just give me one second?
Mm-hm. Hey!
Sorry, Roz…who's Ruth?
-She's the client. Your client. -Already?
Oh, I thought first week I'd just be reading files
and reacquainting myself with probate law, you know.
Like, an actual client just feels a bit…eugh,
it's a bit full-on for a first day.
-Oh, I'm sorry. -Yeah.
Is the job not to your liking, Helen?
No.
No, it's to my liking. A lot!
So, yeah. Let's get in there… with the client.
-Yes, let's. -Ok.
OK, Ruth. Go.
-Beg your pardon? -Start. Talk.
What do you need? What can I do for you?
Ah. Well, er, hubby suggested I should see…
Husband. Husband. Don't say hubby.
Are we on the record? Do I need to be formal?
No, I just don't like the word 'hubby'.
For some people it's 'moist'. For me it's 'hubby'.
Anyway, keep going.
Um, my mother died recently and…
Yeah. Ok.
-And I am sorry for your loss. -Thank you.
In her will she left half her estate to me
and half to my brother, Dean.
-Mm-hm. -On one condition.
Is that the will? Can I see that, please?
-Yes. -Yep. Thank you.
Now, as you can see…
Shh. Just let me read it.
This says your brother only inherits his money
if he has a vasectomy.
-Yes. -No.
You can't put conditions like that in a will.
But he has five children to five different women.
-It has to stop. -Oh, I couldn't agree with you more.
But unfortunately, you can't force a person…
This is a legal binding document.
Is it?
We used a proper will kit from the post office.
Yeah, and I'm trying to tell you
your mother can't make your brother have a vasectomy,
and neither can you.
And before you ask me, neither can the post office.
Not in their purview, I'm afraid, Ruth.
[knocks] Did you speak to anyone at Peacock and Lee
before you hired Helen?
No, I didn't, Roz. I made a judgement call.
Well, perhaps a phone call might have been more useful.
Did you know she was fired?
Yep.
No.
Did not know that.
It's not about the money, it's about the principle.
Sure…
If you ask me, it was the shame
that finally drove my mother into the grave.
Well, shame and cancer, according to these records.
-Sorry? -What?
She should be supervised.
Well, you can't sit in with clients. You're suspended.
I know.
-Come on. Really? -Yes, come on.
Seriously, Roz.
I would if I could but I can't.
I've had a heavy lunch.
Ok, so is there a death certificate in here?
-I didn't see one. -It's all in there.
Oh, it looks fine to me.
It's just too old birds having a chat.
What I should ask is what does your brother say about all this?
I assume he's not keen on the idea or you wouldn't be here.
No, he's afraid it might affect his work.
What, is he a professional sperm donor or…
No, he's a penis painter.
That's Ok. No judgement. It's all art.
-He paints penises. -No, he paints with his penis.
Er…with…and…why would he…
How can… Sorry, just explain to me how does he do that?
Look, I'm sorry, I really don't want to go into details.
Totally understand.
Unfortunately, I need to get everything down for the record,
so can you tell…
What does he do? How does he do it?
He goes to parties and paints people's portraits with his penis.
It's a form of entertainment, apparently.
I'm sorry, you're not writing this down.
No, so let's call that… What do we call that?
Like, it's a cock and canvas type of thing?
Look, I just need you to tell me if I can get a court order
so I can force him to have a vasectomy.
Ok, let me explain something to you, Ruth.
This is not going to court ever
so you need to get that idea right out of your head right now.
I think you're wrong
and I think a judge would come down on my side, so…
I think you haven't heard a word I've said this whole time.
Sorry, I can't hear you. You're mumbling.
It's very irritating. Can you speak up?
Yeah, Ok, I'll speak up.
Here you go. Maybe this will help you.
-Can you hear me now? -Ray.
-You. -Ray! Raymond.
Cannot. Force someone.
To have. A vasectomy.
-It's against the law. -Mate. Step out.
Just…she said she couldn't hear me so I was…
It's Ok. I think she heard you towards the end there.
Yeah.
Can you guess what I'm going to say?
Is it, "You were right, you can't force someone to have a vasectomy"?
If it's about the megaphone thing, I was just trying to make a point
'cause she wasn't listening.
Is this why you were fired from your job in Sydney?
You don't know… How do you know I was fired?
Roz rang your old boss and he said you attacked a client.
OK, hang on, I didn't attack her.
I did shout and I might have called her a silly old whore, but…
Jesus Christ! I know, I'm not proud of it.
That's why I didn't bring it up in the interview.
And in my defence, I did have just cause
because she was having an affair…
You know, you might have just lost us a client.
Do you know what a client is?
Yes. A friend you haven't met yet.
It's money, Fisk. Cash money.
Ruth's going to come back tomorrow.
I told her Helen had a back injury and had taken too many painkillers.
Thanks, Roz.
Silly old whore? You're kidding.
Extenuating circumstances.
Turns out the client, the silly old whore,
was having an affair with Fisk's husband.
I knew there was something not quite right about her.
She just needs a bit of guidance.
I'm sorry? You want to keep her on?
Seriously, Rozzy, I cannot be arsed interviewing any more people.
Can't you just do some of your mentoring shit with her?
Oh, alright.
You're good at that.
I know.
[rumble of trains and cars]
Can I get a small flat white, please?
No, you can't.
I don't think this is any of your business.
Actually, it is my business. The whole place.
You can get your coffee somewhere else.
Ok.
So just to clarify, do you mean I can get my coffee somewhere else today
but then tomorrow we're all good and I can come back here?
No?
[doorbell chimes]
Morning, Roz. I got you a coffee.
You know there's a very good cafe downstairs called Artisan?
Yeah, I actually prefer this.
I don't know if you've tried it. It's interesting.
Morning, all. Ooh, the dollar brew.
-Yes. -All yours, Ray.
$1. How do they do it?
I think they buy cheaper beans.
Mm. You know what that tastes like?
Savings.
That's from me. I bought that for you.
What do you want? A dollar?
No, I was just saying, little present to say thanks for not firing me.
Thought you bought it for me.
Yes, and thank you for not firing me too, Roz.
Thank you, Helen.
Webmaster.
Are you ready for me, Roz?
I'm sorry, did you want to eat your greasy snack before we start?
Oh, no, they came free with the coffee. Do you want one?
No, I don't want one either.
Don't put it in my bin. It'll stink out my office.
Now, Raymond has asked me to work with you on your people skills.
Oh, I like your pants-suit.
Oh, thank you.
Where's it from?
I think it's a Noni B.
See what I'm doing?
Is it pants-suit research?
I'm making a connection.
Often our clients have lost a loved one,
and do you know what they need?
-A pants-suit? -A friend.
You have to find a way to connect.
I pretended to like your outfit.
What if a person likes to cook? You could ask them for recipes.
If they go to church, try bringing Jesus into the conversation.
Hmm, I wonder what Jesus would do.
And if they're a farmer, you could talk about…
Hay. Cows. Manure?
Um, wanting a wife.
-The weather. -Ah!
Yeah, I thought of the weather, and then I didn't say it.
I went with manure.
[types]
Good morning. Oh.
Good morning. Good morning.
I'm not going to hug you because I've still got a bad back from yesterday.
Let's get started.
Because?
That's what Jesus would do.
Because at Gruber & Gruber, we get results.
Sorry, I didn't know we had a catchphrase, but I do now,
so I'm onto that.
I'm going to leave you in Helen's very capable hands.
And you've met George. He'll be taking notes.
-I'm the webmaster. -You're the probate clerk. Come on.
-Let's go, Ruth. -Come on!
Ruth, there's really only two choices.
It's this number or this.
-Do you understand? -No.
OK, I'll say it again.
This number,
or this number if you keep going down this road.
Maybe try a pie chart.
Sometimes it's easier to understand than numbers.
OK. Um, yes. Good idea.
Can you get me a knife?
Stay there.
This'll help.
Imagine this sausage roll represents your mother's money.
Now, you get half,
your brother Dean gets half.
It's so simple.
-Does Dean get his procedure? -No, he doesn't…
-Not interested. -Ok. Let's try again.
-Imagine… -Argh!
That's the order of service for my mum's funeral.
Beg your pardon for that. That was an accident.
Here we go.
Imagine this sausage roll represents your mother's money.
I would prefer it if this sausage roll represents Dean's penis
and this represents a vasectomy!
Clearly a circumcision gone horribly wrong, not a vasectomy.
Ruth, if you pursue this, most if not all of your inheritance
will be eaten up by legal fees.
Look, I'm a lawyer. Watch me.
Ooh. Oh, that was a legal fee.
Mm. There's another one.
Is that Ruth's inheritance? Ooh, yum-yum!
[mumbles] All this is going to me.
You won't get any of it. That's gone.
You won't get that back.
Oh, hang on. Oh, God, maybe you will.
No, that's gone.
Now, you're going to end up with this, Dean will get this,
and he will still have this.
That's his whole penis.
-I just want to go to court… -That's not going to happen.
…and then I can take the stand…
We actually say, "Get in the box" here.
…where I can explain to the jury, to listen to me…
Ruth, Ruth, Ruth, there's no jury, Ok?
It's not like television. Come on, I'm trying to help.
I think I need another lawyer.
Yeah. I think you need one from Law and Order.
[sighs with disgust]
That's not gone well.
Can I have a couple of bites of legal fee?
Yeah.
How did it go?
Yeah, good, good.
-Did we get probate on this one? -Er, um, maybe.
Oh, she's forgotten her funeral thing.
I'm just going to grab her.
She only just left. I'll catch up.
And I'll ask about the probate.
Why is there a knife in here?
But I like it extra hot.
If I scald the milk, you won't taste the beans.
But that's how I want it.
Out! You're still banned.
Yeah, I know. Ruth…
Ah, good. My lawyer.
Oh, now I'm your lawyer.
Ruth, come on. We don't need to be here. Let's go.
I know somewhere much better.
Just so I know, how long is the ban? Are we talking a week?
Is it a month? Is it…
You've got some pretty lame facial hair.
-You too, lady. -Rude.
He's unbelievably rude, that guy.
And speaking of which,
I'm so sorry I put a sausage roll on your mum's face.
That was a terrible thing to do. I didn't…
That's alright.
It's just been an extremely difficult time at the moment.
Yeah, I know. I understand what you're going through.
Do you really?
Yeah, I do, Ruth.
I mean, you know, I don't have a brother who paints with his nob.
Obviously. Who does?
But I lost my mum a couple of years ago
and, you know, we were really close.
It's very hard. I know that.
So just…will you let me buy you a coffee, please?
Just let me take you somewhere nice and buy you a coffee.
Sure.
It's like one of Melbourne's hidden gems.
It's great coffee. Come on in.
[doorbell chimes] Hey, buddy!
We'll just sit up the back here.
-Sit down here. -Are we allowed to sit here?
Yeah, yeah, I do all the time. I'm a regular.
-Latte? -Yes, please.
Great. Just grab a couple of your dollar brews.
-That is delicious. -Oh, great.
Hey, Ruth, I know you don't want to talk about it,
but I really have to know, how does he do the painting?
Oh, God.
I just…I can't even fathom it, you know? Just…
-He has a website. -Ok.
-There he is. -Right.
God, so he really does paint, like, with it.
-Mm-hm. -Gee. He is…
He is banging that thing around. That doesn't hurt…
-Hey. -Oh, hi, mate.
I don't mind if you want to hang out here, pretend it's a cafe
and drink this shitty coffee
but you can't watch porn in here, Ok?
Shut it down.
Is he serious?
Mm. There's a lot of cock in there.
This coffee's delicious.
Want another one?
Er, yeah, sure. Why not?
Excuse me! It's Michael, isn't it?
Uh-huh. Can I please have two more lattes?
Push the button, you can kind of just get 'em yourself.
Grassroots. Get it yourself.
Oh, man.
Well done, Fisk.
Hear we're doing probate for O'Malley
and no-one's getting their dick cut off.
Yeah, they don't cut your dick off when they do a vasectomy.
-Helen. -Yes?
Fixed your face for you.
Ooh. Uncanny.
That looks just like me.
No, it doesn't. It looks heaps better.
I spent 23 minutes on that.
You're right. It's heaps better. Thanks, Webmaster.
-No worries. -OK.
[door opens, closes]
Argh! Don't! What…
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-I'm Dean. I'm Dean. -Mm?
Ruth's brother.
Ok. How do you know…
-How do you know where I live? -I rang your office.
The webmaster gave me your address
and your beautiful partner let me in.
My… What? My partner? Oh, God.
Hi. Hi, Minh.
-Here for you, Dean. -Ahh.
Enjoy. Cam on, beautiful lady.
Thank you. That means thank you.
She's a keeper. Lot of love in this food.
She's not my partner. God.
No judgement. Love is love.
Now, Helen, there's something that I want to do for you.
What?
Oh, oh, oh. Oh, God, no, no!
Oh, no, thank you, no.
Please, let me do this. It would mean a lot to me.
-Mm-mm… -You'll love it.
Thank you but no. One moment in time.
Just… [sighs] O…
Ok, yes.
But one condition. Can you…
paint from a photograph?
-Morning, Fisk! -Hey, Ray.
-Great minds! -Yes.
And…got you something. Little present for the office.
-What do you think about that? -Ooh, shit.
-Ooh, I like that. -Yeah?
A bit of art. Mm-hm.
That's classy. Who is that? Is that an Anh Do?
That's an O'Malley. Ruth's brother.
-What, the dick painter? -Yeah.
Wow!
-So all of that's done with jizz? -No…
It's…paint.
-I think it's paint. -Ooh, superb!
-Yes. -Perhaps I should get mine done.
Yeah, you just send him a photo. He works from a photo.
No, I'd prefer to sit for it.
She knows it was painted with a cock?
She knows.
Wow.
[Dean] Have you sat for an artist before?
-Oh, many times. -Yeah.
-Many times. -Yeah.
Mm.
Archibald. All the rest.
Oh, really?
Keep your eyes looking at me.
That's good. Yeah.
And tell me, Dean, what medium are you working in?
-I prefer acrylics. -Mm.
Anything water-based is best.
Oh. Yes, of course.
You don't want to be rinsing that brush of yours
in turpentine, now, do you?
[chuckles]
Ok, just going to do your eyes now.
Look at me.
One…
and two, two. That's good.
Do you want it signed?
Oh, I'd love it signed.
Have you got a dimple in your chin?
-No, you haven't. -No.
You've got a glint in your eye. [laughs]
What's your middle name?
-Joanne. -Joanne.
-Yeah. I thought so. -Did you? [laughs]