[woman] Good morning!
I'm Maureen MacIntyre, and we have got a…
Dog outside, please.
How do I connect my phone to this speaker?
I want some ambience, not this…
Well, what is this? What on earth are you listening to?
Golden Waves Radio.
That's Maureen's Magical Mornings.
[Maureen] Use salt instead of sugar.
Could you imagine that? I mean, imagine that!
Or maybe, like me, you've tried to chop a tomato with a blunt knife.
-Good Lord, how banal. -We'd like to hear your anecdote.
-Give us a call. -[Tony] I've got an anecdote.
Remember when I ran out of soy sauce?
Oh, I remember that, Dad. Classic story.
You should definitely phone in.
No, I don't think so, Tony.
There you go. [whale song plays]
There's your whale noises.
Now you can crack on with this strenuous yoga you're doing.
-Dear? -Mmm?
Do you think it's odd that Helen never goes out?
All she seems to do is work and walk the dog.
Well, maybe we should introduce her to some people.
Who do we know?
Well, it's hard, isn't it?
She's a tricky one to match up.
Ooh, what about the Men's Shed on the corner?
That place we thought was a gay bar?
Turned out to be full of straight men, drinking instant coffee
and building bird houses.
What do you think?
[snores]
[Roz] Helen, hurry up, please. I need to make an announcement.
Good morning. Reporting in for the big announcement.
Finally.
Well, today is the official opening of Conch Mediation Services.
New signage happening as we speak.
-Well done, Roz. -Thank you.
To mark the occasion, we're upgrading a few things around here.
Raymond?
Alrighty, team, what's better than dollar-brew coffee?
-Pondwater? -Loving the jokes.
I'll tell you what's better.
45-cent coffee, brewed right here on the premises.
Oh, nice one. Guess we won't be needing this any more.
-Or this. -No, don't be silly.
-We're gonna need that for tea. -Yeah, sorry.
Mind you, who's gonna need tea
now that we've got George Clooney-grade expresso?
Yeah!
-Come on, mate, don't be silly. -OK. Rules.
These pods are for client use only.
Please buy your own pods for personal use.
What? We have to buy pods if we want to drink coffee at the office?
-Oh, come on. Are you serious? -Yes, McEnroe.
We're running a business, not a café.
Correct. BYO pods if you want to enjoy the espresso machine.
Careful, Roz. Doing accents like that is a bit racist.
What? No, it isn't. I'm speaking Italian.
Parlo Italiano.
Well, scusa. Back-a to work-a.
[Roz] Ooh, that is a little bit racist, Roz.
-Helen, what are you doing? -Hey.
I work long hours, I don't get paid overtime and I'm not a partner.
The least they can do is provide a bloody espresso.
-Can you make me one too, please? -Yep, sure.
-What do you want, double podder? -Yeah, double podder.
-Very sorry for your loss. -Thank you.
Come on through. I'm Helen. Can I get you both a coffee?
Roz!
-Roz? -Mm?
-Where are the coffee pods? -I had to move them.
The honour system didn't seem to be working.
Well, I need some. I've got clients here.
-I need four. Two for each coffee. -Two each?
Good Lord, they'll be spinning like tops.
You did tell them it's very strong espresso?
Yes, they're prepared to risk it.
Can you see it? Is it on the roof? [pigeon cooing]
Can't see it. I can hear it.
-I think it's in the wall. -In the wall?
God, it's driving me nuts.
I find it quite relaxing.
Sounds like a phone ringing. [phone rings]
No, that is the phone ringing.
-You should probably answer that. -Yeah.
Mmm.
Mm, naughty.
We'll just wait till our probate clerk gets in.
-Sorry, Helen. -Yep.
Ah, just to catch you up.
Morrie and Gordon's mother passed away recently.
-Sorry for your loss. -Yeah, we did that bit.
I'm just stepping them through the will now.
Yeah. I've been left out. I'm getting nothing.
Sorry for your loss.
That's what you get for joining a cult.
It's not a cult.
My wife and I belong to the Church of Barnabus the Believer.
[Gordon] That's exactly what I said.
It's a fundamentalist Christian cult.
Yeah. Church of Barnabus? I don't think I know that one.
Well, do you know Jesus Christ?
I know of him.
Well, why don't you come down and meet him?
We do Pancakes and Prayer every Saturday morning.
Well, you know I'm tempted by the pancakes,
but I was brought up Catholic, so I don't really do God.
Well, without God, there would be no pancakes.
[thumping] Yeah, you got me there.
George, can you go and see what that banging is?
What's going on?
You were right. It's definitely in the wall cavity.
I'm trying to drive it out.
Sorry. Can… can you excuse me for just one minute?
There seems to be a document missing from your mother's file.
I won't be a sec.
Hang on, hang on.
It's over there. Further down.
I reckon it's further.
-Yeah? Got it? -Yep, got it.
What have you done there?
Sorry.
Go on! Get out of there.
Mary and I are both concerned about you, Gordon.
We don't want you going to hell.
I'm all good, mate.
Mum's down there, which is a real shame.
But that's where you go if you worship false idols.
False idols?
She worshipped nature.
Yes, but who made nature, Gordon?
God did. Hey!
Ah, they get it.
-Roz. -God.
That's your lot.
Rude.
I have the Lowry brothers in the meeting room.
I think their mother was a client of yours?
Ah, Gabrielle. Has she passed away?
Yes, I'm afraid so, and there seems to be a document missing
from the file.
Yes, a letter of wishes.
I put it aside, because this needs to be handled very sensitively.
Well, I will be sensitive.
I think it's best I do it.
But Roz, you don't work here any more.
Did you forget? You left to follow your passion.
-You're Conch Mediation now… -Hello. I'm Roz Gruber.
I prepared your mother's will, God rest her soul.
Oh, no rest for Mum's soul, I'm afraid.
She's downstairs.
Do you know Jesus, Mrs Gruber?
No-one knows him, mate. Shut up.
Sorry. Go on, Mrs Gruber.
Actually, I can take it from here, Mrs Gruber.
Did Helen explain to you what a letter of wishes is?
-[both] No. -Oh, Helen.
You took… How was I…
A letter of wishes is like the emotional explanation of the will.
Basically, it's Mum's way of speaking to you from the grave.
Oh, I don't think we need to imagine Mum in her grave.
OK, sorry.
[reads] "My darling boys.
If you are hearing this, it means I am dead.
I died of a broken heart, and complications from syphilis."
Wow, Mum's an open book.
"My dying wish is that you boys should get the band back together."
We had a Bon Jovi cover band.
Oh, I love Bon Jovi!
Sorry.
"Morrie, when you left the band,
you left Gordon with no source of income.
That is why I'm leaving him everything."
OK. Thank you, Roz.
Can she do that? Just cut me out?
She can, however, you would be entitled to contest the will.
-But what I tell people… -[Roz] Helen…
Yes, I've got this, thank you, Roz.
It's often better to sort things out in the room
rather than let it go to court.
Helen…
So what I suggest is we reconvene next week when you've had a chance
to consider your options.
-Helen? -Yes, Roz?
-There's a second page. -Great, let's hear it.
"Look for me in the skies.
I am the bird you see soaring.
Watch for me in the rivers, I am the fish you see swimming.
Listen for me in the trees, I am the wind you hear blowing."
Yep, look out. Mum's everywhere.
"Blessings from your Mother, and Mother Earth."
-Lovely. -Mm.
-Is that it? -Yes.
Good. Let's get together next week…
-Oh, hang on. There's a PS. -Oh, good.
"If you do get the band back together,
I think you should try and get on Australia's Got Talent."
-That's a great idea. -Mmm!
That was certainly worth waiting for.
Good advice from Mum. Alright.
-Hey… Hey, Ray? -Yeah?
Can… can I have a word about Roz?
-About Roz? -Yeah. Shh.
Make it quick.
George got it out of the wall, but it's still lurking out there.
Can you talk to her about staying out of my business?
She's been removing documents from files.
She's been making me look like an idiot in front of clients.
Look at it, trying to find a way back in.
-Did you hear what I said about Roz? -She's annoying. Is that the gist?
Yes. Noted.
-Any idea how to get rid of pigeons? -Pigeon sack?
What?
I don't know, like Ratsak, but for pigeons?
Jesus Christ, Fisk, we don't want to kill it.
Yeah, we just want to encourage it to move on.
OK, sorry. Spikes?
Helen, that's barbaric.
Oh, I'm not saying you stick its head on a spike.
Flashing lights?
What about an owl, Georgie?
Yeah, owls are a natural deterrent.
That's a good idea, Ray. I'll get onto it.
-So will you talk to Roz? -Yep.
-Thank you. -About what?
[Tip] Yes, Tony used to have two of them.
But would you say birdhouses are your most popular project?
Definitely, without a doubt.
Oh, Helen! Come in! Join us!
-This is Howard Muzzin. -Hello, Howard.
-Hi. -Howard runs the Men's Shed.
Oh, the gay bar on the corner?
Oh, it's not a gay bar. It's…
What is it again, Howard?
It's a place where gents can socialise and get on the tools.
Oh, sounds exactly like a gay bar.
It's very nice to meet you, Helen.
-Nice to meet you. -[Tony] Sit down, Hels.
Oh, I can't. I've gotta take the dog to the park…
Oh, come on. What are you drinking? Anything you want. I'll make it.
Ooh, OK. I will have a pina colada, please, Viktor.
Oh, God, I'm not making sick in a glass. I'll do you a negroni.
Oh, no, Viktor, I don't like negronis.
They taste like Actifed CC.
Oh, don't be silly, they're delicious.
Go and talk to Howard. He's recently widowed.
Oh, OK.
Yes.
-Hi, Howard. -Hi.
Viktor said your wife passed away recently.
-I'm very sorry for your loss. -Oh, thank you.
Yeah, if you ever need any help with probate or anything like that,
I'm a wills and estate specialist, so feel free to get in touch.
Helen, please don't solicit in my living room.
What? Viktor just said…
No, no, no, you've ruined it. Go and walk your dog.
-But I was… touting for business. -Thank you.
So what's the tool with the very sharp blade
that you use to chisel away at wood?
-An auger? -I think it's an auger.
Well, well, well, we meet again.
Oh, hey! Men's Shed man.
Howard. Howard Muzzin.
Thought I might run into you.
I've been here since six.
Have you? Have you got a dog?
No, but you do.
Yes.
Look, Mr Muzzin, about last night. I'm really sorry.
I thought you wanted some legal advice.
No, I was simply looking for some companionship.
Yeah, well, I don't think Dad and Viktor
are really Men's Shed material, you know.
Neither one of them any good on the tools.
I was actually hoping we could go to dinner.
-Oh, you and Dad? -No, you and I.
-What? Why? -Companionship.
Look, it gets a bit lonely down there at the Men's Shed,
sipping Nescafe and banging away at another birdhouse.
Uh-huh.
Maybe I could make Fluffy here a doghouse?
-Well, it's Artie. -What do you think, Fluff?
A doghouse? [laughs]
Yeah.
And don't worry, Helen, I am not after sex.
Oh, good to know, yep…
No, the sex will come, if there's a frisson.
Will it…
Yeah, I've got a good feeling about this. What do you say?
Well, I actually…
I'm actually running late, Howard, so I'm gonna…
I'm gonna skip the coffee this morning and, come on.
-OK. -Let's go.
-Bye. -Let's go. Hustle, hustle.
[Howard] See ya, Fluff!
It just gets earlier and earlier.
Viktor, were you trying to set me up on a date last night?
Yes, your father and I thought you could use some company.
Are we talking about Howard?
What'd you think, Hels? He seemed quite taken with you.
Yes, he's stalking me now.
Oh, that's wonderful. I really thought you'd blown it last night.
Oh, come on! I'm not going out with Howard Muzzin.
If you don't like Howard, why don't you pop down
to the Men's Shed and take your pick?
Yes, Helen, it's like a widower's warehouse down there.
Oh, stop it, the pair of you.
Just be open to new people. You can't keep the world out.
I'm not trying to keep the world out, Dad.
Just old men looking for frisson.
Hey, web master, is Roz in yet?
-No. -Great.
-I'm gonna go get some pods. -Do you want some?
Are you stealing pods from Roz's office?
Shh! It's not stealing.
An employer is obliged to provide us with everything we need
to do our job, and that includes hot beverages.
You know, she's locked up the biscuits now, too.
Oh, so disrespectful.
It's like we're criminals.
-So are you in? -Yeah. Do it.
-Get me a pod and a biscuit. -I'll keep lookout.
You're on.
Biscuits, and I wasn't sure which ones you liked,
so I got you a selection.
My God, Helen, how stupid, are you?
-What? -It's too many.
-Roz is gonna notice. -God, you're right.
OK, well, take what you want.
-How many do you want? -Two.
OK, I'll put the rest back.
And a biscuit.
Come on through.
I'm really excited about this new chapter.
Mediation is such a rewarding profession.
[shouts] Hello, Roz!
Heading back to your office with a client?
Please don't yell at me, George.
This is Larry, from the Australian Mediation Standards Board.
Let me take you through to the space.
[shouts] Alright! Hi, Larry!
Roz'll take you through to her office now!
Kokaw! Rowr!
Now, we do share kitchen and bathroom facilities,
but this door allows me to close the space off,
and now we have a lovely private bubble.
Just us.
Oh, hi, Roz.
Ah, I was just borrowing your… stapler.
Did you need to do any stapling before I go?
-No. -OK.
Well, I'm off… to do some stapling.
And here is your private bubble.
[whispers] Just you.
She's part of a charity intern scheme.
She has a very low IQ.
And the chap at the reception?
Oh, him too.
Go on! Get out of there!
Don't… stare at me. Go!
Oh, she's annoying.
Oh! Please! Close this window!
Ray's convinced the pigeon's trying to get back into the building.
-Oh, OK. -Do you have something for me?
A stapler, perhaps?
-Yes. -Mmm.
A stapler.
There it is.
Sorry, just needed to do some important stapling.
But it's done now. You can have that back.
Mm-hm.
Gordon! Did you want to see me?
So I've decided I will split the inheritance with Morrie.
Oh, good on you. That is really sensible.
It's gonna save you a lot of time and money.
But only if he rejoins the band.
Oh, OK. Do you think he's going to do that?
No. He thinks Bon Jovi's godless heavy metal.
Heavy metal?
See, I always had them down as more of an '80s hair band.
Cock rock, that kind of thing.
Either way, I was hoping that you'd be able to convince him.
Convince… Oh, convince Morrie?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Or I could… I could call Mrs G.
Mrs G? Who's…? Oh, God, no, we don't need to call Mrs Gruber.
No, I'll do it.
I'll sort it out. You leave it with me.
In safe hands.
I'm onto this. I'll give you a call, Gordon.
Don't need that.
What's that?
It's a scare owl.
-Did you make that yourself, George? -My Grandma did.
She's really crafty.
As in good at craft, not devious.
Looks like Giggle and Hoot had a love child.
Yeah, I tried to make it friendly.
See, it's suggesting that it would be better to roost over there.
Very, very nice.
Yep, that's a beauty.
George!
Sorry, mate. I'm turning the heat up.
I'm going with Fisk's idea of flashing lights.
[Maureen] Good morning!
Coming up later this morning,
I talk to the Reverend Donald Ledbetter
about the rise and rise of Christian rock.
Forget about rocking in the pubs and clubs,
it's all happening in the church halls.
And there's a pretty penny to be made, too.
-Hallelujah, praise his name. -Let's go.
Come on! Attaboy.
-Morning, Helen. -Whoa! Hey.
-Good morning. -Where were you? In the bushes?
I missed you at the park yesterday,
so I thought today, I'll catch you at the source.
Would you like to, ah, stroll? Hello, Fluff.
Yeah, OK. Well, we walk pretty fast, so.
I'm surprisingly spry.
Well, you'll have to keep up, 'cause we are in a hurry today.
-So, yep. -Ahh.
[Howard] That's a bit fast for me, I'm afraid.
Yep, I hoped it might be.
[Howard] Well, maybe we could catch up later for a pina colada
and we can chat about Fluffy's doghouse design?
[Helen] Sorry, can't hear you!
[Howard] No problem.
You're a modern business lady.
Yeah, I like that.
I like it a lot.
[music plays on car radio]
[Maureen] And that was Praise To The Lord by the Seventh Day Avengers.
Reverend, tell me, are these bands all writing original tunes?
[Reverend] Some do, others do covers. Guns and Rosaries, for example.
It's basically rock and roll without the sex and drugs.
[Maureen] Oh, well, good-o. I do not like either of those things.
How does that song go?
[Maureen sings] Praise to the Lord Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
-Squibbly-dibbly-dibbly-dibbly… -[Reverend] Oh, mama.
Hey, web master, what happened to Blinky?
-I didn't see him out there. -Had to take him down.
The shopkeeper across the road had a fit.
I know Roz and Ray say that all the time,
but you shouldn't use that expression.
No, Helen, they literally had a fit 'cause of the flashing lights.
Oh, shit.
So the good news is
Gordon has very sensibly, and generously,
decided to share the inheritance.
I prayed that he would.
But only on the proviso that you get the band back together,
as per your mother's dying wish.
-Now, I understand that's… -[Roz] How's it going in here?
Have we found a solution?
Almost. I was just about to propose…
No, we have not. I will not be rejoining the band.
OK. No deal, no money for you, then. Great.
-[Roz] Ooh, looks like my services are required here after all.
-No. -Mediation is a wonderful process.
I think you'll get a lot out of it.
Yeah, Roz, could I have a word with you, out here?
Won't be a minute.
In your office, please?
-Why is it…? -Someone was stealing staplers.
Firstly, please don't tout for business in my meetings.
-It's highly unethical. -Oh! Says the thief of staplers.
Secondly, I have this under control,
and you barging in like that is not helping.
You need to watch your tone, Helen.
Yeah, well, you better watch yours too, Roz.
Your tone. You watch it. Because it's… rude.
God gave you those sweet pipes,
and I think that he would want you to use them.
No, no, he doesn't. He speaks to me regularly.
-Never mentioned it. -Well, OK.
Well, he's speaking to me right now. What's that, God?
Wow, he's saying that he wants Morrie to rejoin the band.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I mean, I tried to tell him that, but he doesn't believe me.
-Stop it. God is not speaking to you. -How do you know?
Because he just spoke to me then
and he said, "That's not me speaking to Gordon."
OK, maybe if God could just shoosh for a bit, I might have a solution.
Have either of you heard of the radio station Golden Waves Radio?
What about the Christian Rock Hour with Reverend Donald Ledbetter?
No? OK, what about the band, The Last Supper Club?
The Seventh Day Avengers?
The Burning Bush Singers?
Yeah, so we've got no pubs or clubs, remove any explicit lyrics,
make them more Jesus-y.
That's a great idea!
And you'd only perform at church halls.
-Yeah, great. -Alright.
Well, I think we have a deal.
The Lowry brothers are about to become the first ever
Fundamentalist Christian Bon Jovi cover band, Living On A Prayer.
Ah…
Yep?
God says it's OK.
-Good. -Loves it.
Great. Good stuff.
-Hey, Howard! -Ahh!
Helen, so glad you called.
Rustled up a little something. Voilà.
Wow. That is absolutely perfect.
Thank you so much.
Still a hard no on the frisson.
Well, time takes care of everything.
Not enough time in the world for that, but I do appreciate this.
-Come on, Artie, let's go. -Oh, wait. Wait a minute.
Before you go, I have a distinct recollection of you saying that
you loved nothing more than a cheeky pina colada.
Yeah, not necessarily at seven in the morning.
Argh.
You know what? It's mostly juice. Why not?
You want a humane solution?
Well, this is how you encourage a pigeon to roost elsewhere.
Nice one, Helen.
Just put it as far away from my office as possible.
-I don't want to hear it. -You got it.
Oh!
Raymond, can I have a word with you in my office about Helen?
[Ray] About Fisk?
-Close the door. -Close the door.
Absolutely.
She's developing quite the attitude. I don't like it.
I think you might need to back off a bit.
-Me? -I meant we. Both of us.
She's turned out to be a pretty good probate lawyer.
-Well, I was her mentor. -Exactly.
And the mentee is now mented.
That is not a word.
Munted?
Point is, I think you and I - we -
need to give Fisk a little more respect.
She knows what she's doing. [knocking]
Hi, guys.
I'm locked out.
['Birdhouse In Your Soul' by They Might Be Giants plays]
[cooing]
Gruber & Associates, George speaking.
Hello?
Pigeons.
Some people have called them the rats of the sky,
and other cultures worship them.
What do I think?
Well, I think they're just nice.
Thanks for watching Fisk.
[laughs] r watching Fisk.