Oh, my God. Ugh.
That's hot.
If my mom weren't such a stupid***, I'd do it too.
At least she's good for one thing.
No way.
Oh, my God, I've been dying for a ciggie all day.
Me too.
I heard Gwyneth Paltrow smokes, like, two packs a day.
- Stop. - Hello there, ladies.
I saw that.
I get it, you want to be adults, and that makes sense.
Two beautiful young women.
Ugh. Sketchy much?
No, I was just giving you a compliment.
Okay, perv. You're old enough to be my dad.
Ew.
And you're old enough to know the law.
Now, give me the cigarettes, and I'll forget about this.
Or what, you'll arrest us?
I mean, you're just some mall cop.
No, I'm, I'm, I'm a member of the Topeka PD.
- Oh! Ooh! Aw! My God! - I'm calling my mom.
She's a lawyer.
- I thought she didn't pass the bar. - Shut up, Bianca.
What the hell?
I knew I should have gotten a Razr.
What the ***?
What's going on?
Free money!
Oh, hell yeah!
That's for not doing what you're told.
Yeah, follow directions!
I told you to stay in the car.
Strip 'em and zip 'em.
I'm gonna take your jacket off, okay?
I'll give it back to you when we're all done.
Your gloves too, actually.
Stu, you don't have to explain it. Just do it.
Okay.
Let me know if it's too tight. Hands up, please.
- Stop saying please. - Okay, sorry.
Hey, there.
Oh, yeah, that wound's still fresh, bruh.
So, tell me, tough guy, this your main squeeze,
or is this some sort of transactional arrangement?
Ah...
Send 'em down the purple line.
You got it, boss.
Step down, please.
Fill out lines fourteen through nineteen.
Oh, my God. It's a DMV.
A what?
You have been detained for driving without an Open Road License.
You will now be issued a license.
If you decline, you will walk the red line.
If you are caught driving without a license again,
you will walk the red line.
What's down the red line?
No, no! No! Please!
Cool. Screams.
Take 'em away.
Have fun.
Losers.
- Just to be clear, I ***in' hate you. - Same.
Come on. Stupid trunk. Damn.
Cocoa butter.
Mike, you ever try cocoa butter?
Tried it?
Ugh!
Come on.
Hey, do, do you think Agent Stone is kinda intense?
I do not like it when he smiles.
Shepard already gave me the low-down on Stone, okay?
Look, he's a legit hero. Get this.
When the fall happened, right,
this terrorist group took over this man's hometown.
This guy stepped up himself and
singlehandedly annihilated everybody with extreme prejudice.
Extreme prejudice. Cool.
Man... Gotta fix this shit.
Yo-ho, Mikey-Mike! Mm. What's up?
I really loved the way you tased that twat. Like
Uh-oh. Speaking of twats.
What you got there, big guy?
You know, you, you can just call me Stu.
And it's trash.
Well, you know, uh, as Stone says, one man's trash is, uh...
Is what?
Oh, goddamn.
Hey, how'd you know that old ratty cop out there?
Shepard or whatever?
So, we're back to this now?
Fine, I can play the Quiet game too.
Why won't you talk?
- Why won't you talk... - Why do you talk so much?
This mouth has gotten me out of a lot of sticky situations.
Ew.
No, not like that. I mean, that happened too.
Look, out here, silence can get you killed.
Silence has kept me alive.
Oh, yeah? So, why'd you tell that cop to eat your ***?
Well, hello. It's a mystery how our paths just keep crossing.
My men say that you have a...
You have a darling little voice.
I'm excited to hear what comes out of it.
You need better ***in' friends, dude.
Go ahead, drink up.
Mm.
Where we're sitting, there once flowed a powerful river.
Then they built this architectural marvel.
My father used to bring me here for the tour when I was a child.
The tour was a bit dry.
That's a little dam humor for you.
But now, roads have all become wild rivers.
So I'm building my own blockade.
A dam, if you will.
It runs from Southern Arizona all the way to the Canadian wastes,
but the only way through is here.
Wow. Cool story.
There's been a misunderstanding. All right?
I'm not a criminal. I'm a Milkman on a delivery.
I know you got a beef with the girl.
That ain't got nothin' to do with me, right?
I don't give a *** about your delivery.
What I do give a *** about is how you would happen to have this.
I have spent decades building outposts and checkpoints.
But this map manages to avoid damn near every one.
I want the name of your cartographer.
My carto-toph... M... What?
Your mapmaker.
Oh! Nah, man. I found that on the side of the road, dude.
Come on. You want it? Take it.
You really think I'm that stupid?
No. No, no, no, no, no. Not at all.
I know how this world works, Officer.
A little respect. I appreciate that.
But, for the record, it's "Agent."
Even better. Agent, uh, "Stone."
I didn't know this map avoided your routes.
I did not know. Now, I do know.
So, how about I get one of those licenses I keep hearing so much about,
and I go on my merry way...
Whoa! Wh... Why'd you do that?
Oh, that was unnecessa...
Couldn't even do it yourself.
We'll revisit that attitude in a few hours.
Can't wait.
Get the name of the mapmaker.
One leak could bring the whole dam down.
- Come on, come on. Hurry. - Let's go. Come on.
Come on.
Whatever, just leave 'em.
It doesn't matter.
This is the last one.
Hey, neighbor. Need some help?
Thanks, Margie.
How are you and Rick holding up?
Oh, it's scary out there. Looters hit us the other day.
We went to the station for help, but...
The station burned down. Yeah, ***s torched it on Tuesday.
It's every man for himself.
Margie. What are you doing?
Rick, get in here!
Get the gun.
Sorry, bro.
Check the back for his rifles. Check the cabinets, too!
Ain't nothing back here but Juggs.
Of what? Of wa... Of water?
No, like the magazine. Two G's. Big *** porn.
Of course. Officer Stone's into big titties. Pig.
I got 'em. Let's jet.
Why are you guys doing this?
Like you said, every man for himself.
We're getting out of this city before it all goes up.
And you've always been kind of an ***.
Go!
Later, Officer.
While I give you points for velocity and precision,
spit washing his face was a stupid ***in' idea.
I was this close to talkin' us outta here. Why'd you do that?
Why didn't you tell him who made your shitty map?
That's none of your business.
Oh, look at that, you answered your own question.
- Yo, you a pain in my ***. - Blow me.
- You wish. - Not likely.
- ***. - ***.
Stone is really counting on us to get this info, man.
So we can't *** this up, Stu.
You say that like I'm gonna *** it up.
All I'm saying is we gotta go hard, okay?
Put your game face on. What's our motto?
- Big, swinging... Swinging ***s. - We got big, swinging ***s.
That's right. And we are mother*** charged.
- *** you. - *** you.
What the *** is that?
It's American Sign Language for "big balls."
Y'all got saws and shit in there to torture us?
Tell us who made that map, and you'll never need to find out.
Ooh. You do this a lot.
Fill out these forms. In triplicate.
That's scary.
Oh, it will be.
Yeah. It will be.
So, what if I don't know my "Dob"?
Means "date of birth."
Okay. So, what if I don't know that either?
Turn it on.
You're lucky I love this song.
Not for long.
Louder.
Get writing!
Why is the pencil so small?
That's all we've got! Keep writing!
"N-P-X-T-Z."
Now, you.
*-*-*-*-U.
Eyes look a little dry, don't they?
Aw, come on, man!
No, no, no! Oh, God! Sorry! Oh, my God!
Give us the mapmaker, or meet yours.
Wait. Did you mean "You wanna meet the mapmaker,"
or "Meet your maker"?
That would've been a cool line, but you *** it up, player.
That used to be my jam back in the day, so...
You have anything you'd like to share?
Yeah.
I've known the mapmaker for a long time.
He's probably the only person on this Earth that I really trust.
That's why I'll never tell you his name.
You can give me a thousand more forms to fill out.
They're fun.
I guess we're just gonna have to send you down the red line, then.
And you. You must be thrilled.
Get to hug your brother again.
To think that he took a bullet for you,
and you just threw it away.
Shame.
Take 'em away.
I'll find you.
Oh, yeah? Where? In the afterlife?
Spooky.
Let's go.
Listen, if there's more maps out there, we could be compromised.
You want me to head to HQ?
No. I'll handle it myself.
Officer, are you in here?
I saw your police car out in the driveway.
I cannot help you.
These guys, these, these terrorists,
they threw me out of my restaurant.
Don't you get it? The world is over.
That's why we need you.
Too bad. I thought you were a cop.
B-sixty-seven. That's B-sixty-seven.
Guess I'm not gonna finish this job.
So, Stone killed your brother, huh?
You know, sometimes it's okay to shut the *** up.
Look, I was just tr... You know what, never mind.
***.
Stone...
He made my brother...
He made him shoot himself.
That's messed up.
Was he your only family?
You know, I had a family too.
What a stunning admission.
If you let me finish.
I was gonna say I don't remember them.
Like, my memory...
It's not that good.
And, no matter how hard I try,
I can't remember 'em, I can't see their faces.
So, you're lucky to have as much time
with your brother as you did.
'Cause all I have is a burnt photo and feelings.
Wow. That is supremely ***.
Yeah, I know.
That's why this delivery job for New San Francisco,
it was supposed to help me get it back, y'know?
I mean, not the family, but...
the feelin'.
Being a part of somethin'.
B-sixty-eight. That's B-sixty-eight.
Maybe we should try and kill each other right here, for old times' sakes.
All righty, bud, you're up.
Whoa, no, no, no.
You. Do it.
- I'll handle these douche-nozzles. - Uh-huh.
Hey, listen, Stu. It's Stu, right? I mean, or do you go by Stuart?
- Like, what is your... What do you go by? - Sh... Shut up.
My bad, big man.
"Big man"? Go *** yourself!
You don't think I know what "big man" means?
Or, uh, "papa bear"? Or "boss"?
Or "plus-size Polly"? Or "big-titted Timmy"?
Or, "Hey, you know who you look like?"
Oh, let me guess. *** Bruce Vilanch.
I get it, I'm not petite, okay?
So, don't patronize me.
How would you like to be called, uh...
uh... How are you so goddamn good-looking?
I mean, his breath smells like shit.
- Why would you even say that? - Oh, God, I can smell it from here.
Ugh.
Oh, shit.
Open it.
Go on.
Oh, ***!
God! It's so high, it's so high, it's so high!
Oh, God, I *** hate heights!
Yeah, I *** hate dyin'.
Hey, look, we're not gonna jump, man.
And I'm not negotiating.
This is where the red line ends.
Look, Stu, your friend has a cold heart.
But I see you, Stu. You're not that guy. You're a good guy.
Either you jump...
or you fall.
Then go ahead and *** shoot us.
We're not gonna do your job.
Go ahead, fire away. Blow our *** heads off!
Stone played this game with me and my brother, Stu.
It's about power. You wanna feel that power?
You wanna be like Stone?
Then go ahead, shoot us. But you have to finish the job.
Do it!
Come on, do it!
- Do it! - Do it!
If I don't kill you, I'm dead.
Not if you're in a car, speeding your *** outta here with us, Stu.
Oh, ***.
You gonna get a commemorative T-shirt?
I thought you were more of a snow-globe guy.
Do you ever stop talking?
No.
Come on. Yeah.
Keys, keys, keys. Right here. Here we go.
What do your keys look like?
Keys.
Okay, how many ridges are on them? Or teeth?
They look like keys, I don't know.
It's a key.
Please be more specific.
I don't know keys. I'm not a locksmith or a key master.
Got it.
Where'd your friend go?
God damn it, Quiet. *** it, we gotta leave her.
- The terrorists are in there? - Yeah, and they're armed.
I'll handle this.
- Quiet. - Why?
Hey, come on, honey. Come over here.
Hey, who's out there?
Freeze! In the name of the law!
Wait, you're the terrorists?
Officer?
We had nowhere else to go.
The grocery stores were all looted.
We only came here to get food for our families.
Then the owner freaked out.
There's enough snakesgetti and
coconut shrimp here to feed hundreds of people.
Look, lots of people are struggling right now.
But hunger is not an excuse to break the law. Leave, now.
Wait, I know you.
I see him around here all the time.
This dude's a *** rent-a-cop.
The mall is part of my patr... I'm a real cop.
You don't act like one.
Telling folks not to double park,
sweating little kids stealing candy.
That make you feel like a big, powerful man?
I need you to vacate the premises. Please.
Vacate the premises. Please.
Look at you, trying to look tough.
That uniform barely has a crease in it.
Shoes still shiny. How's a pathetic, worthless,
pencil-*** of a mall cop...
I told you! I am a man of the law!
Oh, no.
No.
You did this! I was here to help!
You had to resist! This is your fault.
You broke the law.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Oh, shit. Sorry, boss, I thought you were already headed to HQ and...
Where's Stone?
Oh.
I got two stones for you right here.
Aw. Are we flirting now?
More like pebbles.
I remember what your *** head boss said about how,
if someone tells your story, it lives on forever.
You'll be remembered as the guy who died with his *** in his hand.
What the *** did you do, Stu?
The prisoners are loose!
HQ.
Oh, Ev.
What'd they do to your beautiful body, baby?
Damn it!
Come on, baby.
Which one of you ***s left the dome light on?
Uh... Who was in the car last? Uh... Uh...
- Get out and push! - Okay.
It wasn't me.
Go, I got it.
Stu! You're my hero. We couldn't have did it without you.
He's not here.
I gotta fix that trunk.
- Should we go back and get him? - Are you shitting me?
You're right. Jello, Stu.
Mike. They overpowered me.
If you ain't with us, you're against us.
Did they really have to strip all your guns?
It's just mean.
They take everything?
Yeah. No weapons,
which means I'm gonna be clenching my cheeks all the way to New Chicago.
Oh, man. They took my cocoa butter.
I'mma be ashy too.
Look, I need to make up some time,
so is there anywhere I can drop you between here and New Chicago?
Yeah, there is.
Growing up, my brother used to tell me about how,
before the fall, people lived in cities without walls,
without fear. We were trying to get to a place like that.
Well, I'm sorry to break the news to you, sister,
but all those cities are gone.
No. Not all of them.
There's a sanctuary city in the Midwest.
That's where we were headed before...
things got ***.
Well, does this sanctuary city have a name?
HQ.
Topeka.