Jesus. If you're tired, just pull over!
I'm on a schedule.
Besides, it'd be a lot easier
if I didn't have to sit here in complete silence.
Knock, knock.
What are you doing?
I'm telling a joke. I say "Knock, knock," you say, "Who's there?"
So, I should already know the joke before you tell it? That's idiotic.
It's a classic joke structure with a little audience participation.
I say "Knock, knock," you say, "Who's there?"
I say something like "Orange."
You say "Orange, who?"
Then, I hit you with a punchline.
And why the *** am I talking to an orange?
Why are you makin' this so hard? Just say, "Who's there?"
Ready?
Knock, knock.
Do you hear that?
Yes, it's me, knocking.
Wait, I hear it too.
Hold on.
Activating stealth mode.
Oh, shit! They have stealth mode, too.
What the hell? Just turn around.
I can't. They're everywhere.
- Oh, my God. - Whoa.
Oh, my God. ***! ***!
- Shoot them. - With what?
The Law stripped Evelyn back down to factory settings.
Oh, I guess they missed that one.
Hey, don't waste my shells. I only have four of them.
Shooting a steel door. Smart. Now I only have three.
Go faster, go faster.
- No, no, no! Go slower. Go slower. - Okay. Okay.
Make up your mind!
Hey. You'll get it back when you act mature enough to handle it.
Okay, Dad.
Come on out, Milkman.
We ain't gonna hurt you.
Yeah, right. Fell for that before.
You have?
Now, if we wanted to, you'd be dead already.
Look, I swear.
I swear on Granny's steering wheel,
no harm's gonna come to you. We just-- We wanna flap lips.
I don't even know what that means.
But fine.
We're comin' out.
I'm sorry that we, we snatched you up the way that we did.
But I saw that placard on your rump, and I was like
"We gotta talk."
I'm Watts. I run these rigs.
- John. - Hmm.
This is Quiet. She don't talk.
***, eat shit.
- Much. - Uh-huh.
Hello. Hey.
My blood missiles.
Honey, those are outside your weight class.
Oh, she is a beaut. Oh.
Hmm, did you install this limited-slip differential yourself?
- Sure did. Got it off of a-- - It's backwards.
Wow. Did you invite me here to insult me or to talk?
Yeah, it's not really me who wants a word.
Lock it up.
Whoa.
Come on.
Welcome to The Convoy.
Wow. Okay, I'm impressed.
Our founders drove these semis when the walls went up.
Figured we better keep moving than be sitting ducks.
No offense, Bella.
- That's a chicken. - No, it's not.
And now our little family is roundabout thirty rigs, all told.
And you never stop? How the hell do you fuel up?
Oh, nothing goes to waste. Even our waste.
You see we take our doodies and turn...
Yeah, we get it.
Something tells me I don't wanna taste your lemonade either.
Okay, I'm gonna have to ask y'all to stay here.
Feel free to look around.
I need a lift to the sleeper car.
So, how'd you lose yours?
Metal sheer?
Angle grinder?
Oh, something worse.
- It's fine. - Mm.
Well, ah, let me see what I got here.
Oh.
This ought to fit.
I can't pay.
Not looking for pay.
Just think you could shine a bit more.
If you want.
Mm-hmm. That's it.
Thanks.
Don't get it wet.
Hey. She's here.
Oh, no.
Someone there?
I brought you to the Milkman, Granny.
Oh. Oh, you know, I'd get up and shake your hand,
but my getaway sticks ain't what they used to be.
Granny,
your air tube go to nowhere.
Well, shit.
I thought I had you.
This goddamn metal bar keeps sticking in my ass.
Ah, ah, hey, be careful with that.
It took me ages to write it,
and I only got the one copy.
You did that while driving?
Sometimes you gotta throw it in reverse.
Listen, Milkman, I know I don't look it,
but my insides look like a seven-car pile-up.
Need you to go pick up some medicine for me.
You want me to make a run for free?
You're up to your *** in drivers. Ask one of them.
Can't afford to lose any of them.
Last Milkman never came back.
The roads are rough these days, with the Vultures, and Lawmen.
The Holy Men.
Don't love the sound of that last one.
Look, I don't have time for a scenic detour.
I've a very important delivery,
and I got a long way still to go.
Yeah, I heard your ride's as naked as a baby on its birthday.
You ain't gonna get far if you can't defend yourself.
Well, let me make it plain.
You do this run for me,
I will saddle you up with all the upgrades we can supply.
Heck, we will weld on some guns right now,
get the rest when you get back.
Deal?
Only if I get those red missile-y things.
Mm-mm. My blood missiles, they ain't for sale.
You can have one.
- What? Granny. Come on. - Three.
- Two. - Twenty. - Zero.
Okay.
- One it is. - Done.
Pick up's at our Pharmacist.
I'll write you up some directions.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You didn't tell me that he's going to see her.
Where'd you think he was goin'?
Watts and the Pharmacist had a bit of a falling out.
"Fallin' out"? No, I pushed her out of a truck.
Honey, go weld something.
Fine. I'm gonna weld some of that guns to your *** , you *** ***.
What about Topeka?
Did you miss the fact that a semi swallowed us up like a *** whale?
Now, the only way I'm making it back to Chicago
is if Evelyn is armed to the teeth.
And now she's just gums.
So chill, I'll be back tomorrow.
No, no, no. I'm coming with you.
Like hell you are. This is Milkman business,
and you're not a Milkman.
If you die out there, I'm stuck here with horndog Granny.
Look, I'm not gonna die. I give you my word.
- I'm coming with you. - Fine.
I don't know how to get outta here.
"Three clicks past the oak of eight branches"?
Are these directions to a pharmacist or to a hidden treasure?
Why couldn't she just say, "turn left"?
So, what do you think happened between Watts and the Pharmacist?
Don't know. Don't care.
Oh. Cool.
I see you got a new finger to go with your robotic personality.
I bet that was those Holy Men guys.
Oh, you think?
Bad way to go.
I've seen worse.
De-skinned by Butchers,
crushed to death by monster trucks.
That's plural.
I knew a Milkman that fell asleep on a anthill,
and those little shits ate him alive, insides out.
Poor *** betrayed by his butthole.
Sounds like Milkmen don't live long.
No, we don't.
You know, when I joined on to be a Milkman, I was skin and bones.
You, you could play my ribcage like a xylophone.
I joined up to survive.
I make my run,
I kill some Vultures,
I do whatever I have to to see another sunrise.
You know what they told me when they gave me this Milkman ID?
Why would I know that? I wasn't there.
Look, you're messing up the story.
They told me, "Milkmen don't die old."
But if I deliver this package to New San Francisco,
I might be the first.
You hear those bells?
Holy Men.
Good thing they sound far away. Let's haul ass.
Hello?
- Anybody in there? - Salutations.
Um, hi.
We're here on, uh, behalf of The Convoy.
You're the Pharmacist?
Hmm, no, I'm Amber.
Tea?
It's Gelsemium Elegans. I cut it this morning.
Oh, you look so thirsty.
I am.
The sun isn't holding back today.
Are you, big yellow ***?
***.
Ooh.
Hmm.
So, you have refreshments.
And I have questions.
Hey, Quiet, what the fu--
Oh, save your strength.
You won't be able to move for a little while.
I'll be done before then.
I knew this pick-up was a bad idea.
Quiet, get my gun.
So, why did you kill The Convoy's Milkman?
- No, I didn't. - Mm, mm, mm.
I didn't. I'm a replacement.
You can check my Milkman placard.
This is my friend,
Dendrocnide moroides.
His nickname is Mr. Gympie-Gympie.
The nettle so nice, they named him twice.
Well, he's not so nice when you touch him, though.
I've heard it's like licking a live wire.
Or taking an acid shower.
Or going into cardiac arrest.
I wonder what it'll feel like for you?
No.
All I hear is buzzing.
But you aren't a helpful little bee, are you?
You're a locust.
A Holy Man.
Reveling in eating,
and killing, and ***.
Thankfully,
I am a firm believer in the power of recycling.
Granny. She's sick.
Okay.
No, no, no, no, no, it's true. The medicine's for her.
You don't believe me, you can look in my pocket.
Uh, right there.
What are you-- Ugh. Oh. Hmm.
Open.
Chew.
Okay, good.
Sorry, I thought you were Holy Men.
They're on pilgrimage, and they're everywhere.
I wouldn't. Mr. Conium Maculatum here
would love a chance to knock you on your tushy.
Man, *** this place.
So, here is the medicine Granny requested, but--
Are you sure she wanted this?
It has no medicinal purpose.
But it's on the list. So, maybe Granny just likes flowers?
Hmm.
Never gave these to her.
Hmm. In you go.
Is it true somebody threw you out of a moving truck?
Only because I poisoned her first.
Watts and I had disagreements.
Plants need space to spread their roots.
She couldn't make a room for me. So...
hmm, I found a place where I could have all the space I needed.
Here.
Alone.
Give my love to Granny.
We could take 'em.
Nah.
Where are we going?
They've been behind us for the past fifty miles
and they're only getting closer.
We've gotta get off the road.
They're gone.
I think we're good for tonight.
I can do that.
Let's go find a place to crash.
It smell like popcorn and ass in here.
Oh, my God.
Am I the ass?
Ah. Huh?
Solid recliner, huh? Lotta legroom.
We could definitely sleep here, right?
Wait here.
Good news.
They have an absolute classic in here.
So, it's a silent movie?
Hello, citizen. Hop on.
I'm pretty sure I remember what happens.
It doesn't look safe, Blankman.
And why are you drooling?
Well, because you're so attractive. Mm.
I don't normally meet citizens of the female persuasion.
Oh, no! My shoe. Why was I cursed with such tiny feet?
- It's your line. - Oh, right.
I have to say,
I like when you grab me like that.
How dare you objectify me?
Oh, no, that's right. I gotta keep it PG thirteen.
Yeah, you'd need a map to know where to put it anyway.
You do this a lot?
Nah, only when I'm waiting for a storm to pass or in between runs,
I'll check out a flick.
I like the action ones.
Feels good to watch somebody else get shot at for once, you know?
You like the movies?
Mm.
We weren't allowed to watch them.
What? Let me in on the joke.
Okay.
One time, my brother snuck us into a theater when nobody was looking.
Oh, rebel. How was it?
The movie? I don't remember.
It was about two cowboys fighting a mechanical spider.
Love that.
All I remember is how hard my brother laughed.
He had a great laugh.
Sounded like a chainsaw.
He sounds annoying.
He was.
He was so annoying.
It was so cold in the theater.
He let me wear his jacket.
He never let me wear it.
Now it's all I got.
- What? - Oh, nothing.
Just the first time we've talked
without a "***" or "*** you" slippin' in there.
- *** you, ***. - That's better.
Who's this guy?
Oh, this is the best part.
So, do you wanna play Michael "The Suit" Minelli?
Oh, look how thin my mustache is!
I'm coming to get you, Minelli. No matter what you say.
You'll never catch me.
We're gonna sweat through this satin set of pajamas!
Oh, uh, hey.
Uh, they have running water,
so I figured, you know, laundry day.
- Stop. - What? What's wrong?
I didn't ask you to do that.
Didn't you hear what I said last night?
Yes. You said it was all you had.
So, I tried to clean it.
I was trying to do something nice.
You washed it.
There's nothing left. There's none of him left.
I didn't even get to say goodbye, but I had this.
Look, I'm no bloodiologist,
but I'm pretty sure it wasn't just your brother's blood on it.
It's gonna be a fun ride back.
Come on. You're still not talking to me?
Hey. Let me guess.
Amber poisoned you.
What'd she use? She use pink or purple?
Yellow.
Oh, that, that one really sucks.
Yeah.
Thanks for making the run.
I'm sure you're looking forward to giving that to Granny
so she can live a long, horny life.
This won't save Granny. Nothing will.
This is to make Granny more comfortable as she passes on.
Mm.
Ugh, even with the flower in it, it still tastes like piss.
I thought we were helping you.
Nope. I got one gas pedal in the grave.
Ain't nothing gonna help me now.
I don't understand.
You're just gonna give up?
Kid, you and I both know that most people in this world,
they, they don't have the luxury of going quietly.
Everybody else goes loud.
Car crashes, gunfire.
I heard about one unlucky sum*** got swallowed up by ants.
This way I get to go on my own terms.
And I get to do something rare.
I get to say goodbye to the people I love.
Milkman, you gave me a gift.
You'll be paid in full.
And as for you,
I want you to have a little somethin'.
Check out page twenty-two.
"The Drive Through."
Jesus Christ.
You're welcome.
Now scram.
I am the last of the old-timers.
You're taking the wheel now, Watts.
So, let me give you a nickel's worth of free advice.
The only thing more, more precious than,
than gas, food, porno, water...
is time.
Time with the people you care about.
Mm-mm.
Don't let some dumb bullshit
take that time away from you.
Granny, I, I--
Oh, no, no, kid, I know.
Now, go, you're getting saltwater on my leather upholstery.
See you soon, Fang.
We lost a good driver today.
Most of you knew her as a founder, our matriarch.
But the people who feared her out on those roads,
they called her "Granny Dread."
This beamer, this was her pride and joy.
And this was her ride when the world fell.
Back then, she was Kathy Strompton,
the top selling real estate agent in Boca Raton.
A Remax Diamond Club member, ten years in a row.
She was a goddamn legend.
We wouldn't be here without her.
And we, we will miss her.
Whoo.
Stack them eights, Granny.
Stack them eights!
Love you.
I guess that was it.
Maybe we should leave.
Oh, shit!
Yeah.
Twister to Flower Power, come in Flower Power.
This is Flower Power.
I didn't think I'd hear your voice again, Amber.
Didn't think you wanted to.
I'm sorry about Granny.
And I'm sorry, too.
But I'm, I'm more sorry that, uh,
I pushed you away.
I miss you too, hon.
Oh, yeah?
Me too.
Lucky number one-seven. I knew you could do it.
I brought you a whiskey and Tang.
So, about the jacket, um,
I mean, I thought...
I, I mean, I, I heard what you said,
- I wasn't thinking. I ju-- - Get to the point.
I'm sorry.
You ever think about staying?
I mean, The Convoy is exactly
what you and your brother were looking for.
It's safe, it's secure.
It's a city, just with wheels instead of walls.
Maybe if things were different.
How about you?
They offered.
Hmm.
Not gonna lie, it sounded cushy.
But I'd still be a Milkman.
I don't want that.
I wanna get old.
Die an uneventful death.
There's no such thing.
Jesus.
Maybe if you'd stop blasting the heat, you'd stop falling asleep.
I don't like to drive cold.
Hey, Quiet.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?