Does a spark
always lead to a fire?
Actually, it depends on what kind of night it is.
If it's a still one,
the spark easily dies out.
But,
if it's one with a turbulent wind,
watch out for the burning forest fire.
I'm a hot commodity
An anomaly
I am on my game, oh
I am my own damn prodigy
With authority
I am on my way, oh
Oh, but hey, wait a minute
I'm just beginning
I ain't gonna limit myself so
Going to the top now
To the top, to the top now
-Hello! -Hello!
Oh, my!
Wow!
-What's going on? -Oh my God, guys!
To the top now
Going to the top now
Nice!
-Speech! -Speech!
-You guys… -Speech!
-Okay, I'm gonna sit for this. -I'll oblige.
Okay.
I have had this dream since I was a little girl…
that someday, I'd move to Bombay
and find my calling in life, my place in the world.
And finally, after five years,
today, I found my own place.
A place where I don't have to fit into any molds.
A place which I can call my own.
Umami, my fitness studio.
So proud!
Well done, Umang.
All this would not be possible
without my three beautiful witches.
-Yeah! -I will never forget that…
we met the first day that I moved to the city.
You guys are my lifelines.
-I love you. -We love you too!
Thank you.
And special thanks…
to Sids, my baby girl.
This is going to sound really cheesy, but you are the fuel
that has powered this car.
And I can't thank you enough.
We love you too, Mangs.
Hug!
Let them say what they want Like I care
I will do whatever I want
A little attraction And then some action
Hello mister, how do you do
Mr. Bartender please
Shake it baby, shake a drink for me
Gimme four more shots For me and my ladies
Let go of formalities
Gimme four more shots please
There's no time to waste now
Gimme four more shots please
Yeah, I'll send it in 15 minutes.
Yeah. Okay, thanks. Bye.
So, when did you build this mezzanine floor?
In 2014.
Okay.
Show me the permission letter.
What the fuck, Jeh!
What's the problem?
You don't like my house?
-Is it too small for you? -No, it's not--
Because you can tell me, you know?
Is it about sex?
-Aren't you happy with me? -Damini.
Do you wanna see other people?
Can we talk about this later, please?
I'm sorry.
What is it, Jeh?
This round and round merry-go-round is just getting to my head.
Are you moving in or not?
Just tell me.
You don't wanna move in?
No…
I just need to sort this shit out with the municipal authorities.
Also,
I stay at your place three nights a week anyways.
I mean, we're practically living together anyways.
It's not the same thing, Jeh.
Damini, I'm tired of explaining myself to you.
Then, why did you return the key?
I was just keeping it safe!
Look, I want to move in.
Okay? I promise.
Okay, Molu, you have a great day.
And no sneaking the tomatoes out of the sandwiches, okay?
Okay.
-Love you. -Dada's hug.
Bye, baby!
Okay, I'm gonna go.
-I'll see-- -Can you drop me off at home?
I mean, to Kavya's.
Yeah, sure.
Come, let's go.
So, here at Umami, we focus on personal training.
-It's quality over quantity. -Yes, I understand.
By the way, you must have a lot of celebrity clients, right?
Why, do you?
I once hung out with Ranveer at an audition.
-He was auditioning? -No, I was.
Do you want to be an actor or a personal trainer?
I want to be a trainer until I become an actor.
Good luck with that, then.
-Thanks, Anj. -Bye!
Sir, sir!
Sir. Please, sir.
What happened, Mr. Yadav? Why did you lock the gate?
You're not allowed in, sir.
What do you mean?
Sir, madam has forbidden it.
I can't enter my own house?
Sorry, sir.
Open the gate, or else I'll have to speak to the secretary.
He knows, sir.
Open the gate!
Sir!
Sir, you'll fall!
-Mr. Khanna, please stop this circus! -Yeah, scream.
Good morning to you as well, good morning.
-I'll call Mrs. Khanna. -Madam!
Sir, get down!
-You'll be screaming in prison now! -Madam!
-Sir, you'll fall! -Oh, shit!
-Kavya! -Varun, stop it!
You stop it!
Why do you insist on acting like a monkey?
Kavs, what's going on?
I can't even go into my own house?
Both our names are on the paperwork, okay?
Exactly.
Both. You and me. Both!
Just look at you!
Look at you, you immature idiot!
Two marriages, two kids,
and you're still waltzing around like a headless chicken!
Leave!
Just leave!
Varun.
Please, let's go.
Varun, let's go!
Come down.
Careful.
Let's go.
Choose push-ups over push-up bras.
If you can't do it, how will you make the clients do it?
I can do a couple to demonstrate, no big deal.
I'm just gonna unfollow you…
and block you also.
Thank you so much.
Yo!
Hi!
I'm Sean.
I'm here for the--
Swimmer?
State level.
You didn't get selected for the Nationals?
I wasn't that good.
Such honesty. Okay.
It is what it is.
Actually,
my trainer and I got a little bit obsessed and…
pushed myself too hard, tore my ligaments--
-So, you switched to yoga. -Yeah!
Isn't it a little too easy?
Actually, on the contrary,
it's quite difficult.
Yoga changes your body and your mind.
Don't you find it monotonous to follow the same discipline every day?
Well…
that's how you become an expert, so.
Also, now, I don't have to do 80 kg squats anymore.
Fair enough.
Okay.
Then, let's do something else.
Three-minute plank.
Let's go.
Could you make it two minutes and 56 seconds, please?
Because I have never crossed two minutes and 57 seconds and
I don't wanna lose my self-respect.
-Alright. -What?
Your truth bombs… I'm trying to get used to them.
Should I keep going, or…
-No, you can get up. -Okay.
Last question. Why yoga?
Because it's better than being addicted to selfies,
or junk food, or alcohol, or drugs.
-You were an addict? -Yeah.
What was your drug of choice?
Everything.
When I didn't get selected for the Nationals,
I would…
smoke, shoot, snort, pop, fuck, eat, I mean…
you name it,
I did it.
Okay.
Welcome to Umami.
Get ready to rumble!
Thanks.
Great!
So, tell me.
Who is Dhananjay Deshpande?
Why don't you tell me?
Four generations ago,
your grandfather was amongst India's biggest politicians.
And then, politics became your family business.
You're privileged…
and entitled.
You don't date Indian girls.
Although, there was one…
from the royal family of Kewar.
Right?
You're so far removed from the real India.
You actually have no idea
about the day-to-day struggles of the common man.
Is that how you see me?
That's how everyone in India sees you.
Now, that's not how I want to be seen.
Fair enough. So, you tell me.
In your opinion, who is Dhananjay Deshpande?
Sometimes,
his father's son.
And sometimes, his granddad's grandson.
A boy who went to…
an elite boarding school in the hills.
A boy who would see his family only during summer vacations.
A boy who was bullied.
So, that boy had to…
pretend to be strong,
and face his bullies.
And maybe,
I am still that boy today.
A boy pretending to be a man who is pretending to be strong…
and facing his bullies.
Who didn't want to be a politician but an architect.
I love drawing.
I still do, in fact.
But all that said…
now that I'm here,
I want to do the best I can.
Because when the going gets tough, I stick around.
It's a childhood habit.
When you look in the mirror, who do you see?
I'm not a good son.
I… I just pretend to be.
I would listen to my dad, but I couldn't understand him.
Some decisions that he made for the party…
make me very mad.
What do you think his worst quality is?
That he lives in his echo chamber.
That man genuinely can't take criticism.
However I may be,
I am willing and able to learn.
And I want to learn.
We can work with this.
New guard versus old guard.
It's always good.
Wow.
I feel naked.
Stripped and whipped.
But today was good, thank you.
I will take your leave.
Thank you.
-Hey. -Oh God!
-Hey! -I was just trying to call you.
I was passing by, thought I'd give you a ride.
Thanks.
-Dhananjay. -Jeh.
-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you too.
Jeh owns this bar at Kala Ghoda.
Truck Bar?
Nice. I'd love to check it out sometime.
Would love to have you.
Actually…
he just got served a notice by the municipal authorities
regarding some violations, you know, and
Jeh has never broken the law, so it just feels like they're after him.
You know?
You know, I think I can help you out.
The mayor's a close family friend.
Thank you.
Look, it's nice of you to offer, but…
I'm taking care of it. Thanks.
Sure.
Let me know… if you change your mind.
Mr. Khan, with this company,
the right thing to do would be to establish a precedent.
You know, I was thinking…
let's go completely offensive on this one?
Honestly…
I don't care.
I just want to win.
If you both could decide on one strategy, I think it would be better for the case.
Right.
Okay, let's do this.
Let's start with an offensive argument,
and then, we'll establish a precedent.
Besides, we have ethical…
and moral advantages.
There's no way they can win.
Mr. Khan, I say we scare the shit out of them.
And then, bury them in paperwork.
That sounds good.
-All the very best. -Thank you.
-Thank you, Shashank. -Thank you.
-Thank you, guys, for coming in. -Thank you.
This means that we still got it.
Like a team.
Let's go.
-Good job, Ms. Menon. -You too, Mr. Bose.
I don't trust this guy.
Come on, girls, I've got this!
Nothing is more important to me than work.
Hey, Sids, it's Stand-up Night tonight.
Should we go?
Don't you miss it?
-I don't. -But look who's on the lineup.
Who?
Yeah, whatever.
He's just an ex, we're totally cool.
-Okay? -Just an ex?
How many of your exes are here?
They just keep coming back.
-Dude, Dr. Warsi! -Where?
-"They just keep coming back!" -So funny.
How fast do they "come"?
Hey.
Amit, what's up?
Hi.
I just wanted to wish you luck with your set.
Break a leg.
Thanks.
So, all okay?
Yes.
Unless you're planning on ruining something.
Why would you say that?
I shouldn't have.
I heard about your dad.
I wanted to call, but…
Sorry.
Thanks.
I just…
No hard feelings, I hope?
Next up is Amit…
who needs no permit to be funny and brave.
Thanks, man.
Hey, guys!
Hope everyone's having a fun evening!
-Yeah! -Yes!
How are y'all feeling tonight?
-Amazing! -Amazing!
Oh, nice. I wish I could say that, because…
I, myself, am feeling slightly weird.
-Why? -Because--
Because right before coming on stage, I just bumped into my ex.
Yeah. And when I asked her why,
she said,
"I just wanna wish you good luck for your set,
break a leg."
And knowing her, she actually might want me to break my fucking leg, you know?
She happens to be this entitled, privileged, snob from Sobo,
who has nothing in common with the people of the rest of the city.
There's that joke, right?
"Bro, is Saki Naka in Japan?" I think it's based on her.
When she left her home to come to Bandra for the first time,
she saw an auto-rickshaw on the road,
she was like, "Oh! A tuk-tuk!"
And then, she had a problem with my flat.
But I don't really blame her for that.
I mean, her bathroom's bigger than my whole house.
When she came over,
she saw the ceiling fan spinning overhead, and she was like, "What's that?"
And I think between me and the AC, she probably chose the AC.
But do you know what was worse than the privilege?
It was the sex.
Like, she would just lie there, like a pillow, and
fake an orgasm.
Like, I was that naive.
I mean, you could've done some work. It takes two, right?
-Yeah! -Yeah!
And after all of this, in her head,
she's the victim, like, "Oh, people see me as a fat girl!"
I don't know, maybe accept that you're fat.
And get off the couch and work out once in a while.
"Oh, my mommy doesn't love me!" Oh, boo-fuckin-hoo, man, who cares?
"Oh, I don't have a job!"
Oh, maybe because you don't have any skills!
And then, what genuinely hurt
was that she used me for her stand-up gigs,
and she is the victim.
I'm anything but a victim!
Don't sit there and troll me.
If you want to say something, come and say it on the stage.
-Gladly. -Go, Siddhi!
You were saying…
I said I'm not a victim!
Guys, I don't know if you can tell, but she is the ex.
And thank God for that, right?
If I had so much hate in my heart, I would've died of toxicity by now.
Wow.
She breaks my heart, and I can't even say "ouch."
This was not an "ouch," Amit.
This was a personal attack!
This was hate speech!
Hate speech?
Clearly, somebody doesn't watch the evening news, right?
But tell me, seriously, what did I do to deserve this end?
Okay, sure.
Where should I begin? Oh, wait!
I had to fake an orgasm because I had to protect your fragile ego.
Nice!
And that's what most women do, by the way.
-Yes! -And I used to lie there like a pillow?
Really?
You didn't really give me time to do much.
Ever heard of the word, what is that, guys?
-Foreplay? -Really?
You know, he had a fixed sex set, like a comedy set.
Kiss, kiss, nibble, nibble, gobble, gobble, ten seconds, and done.
Every single time.
Guys, you know what time it is?
It's time for me to mention "Girlfriendgate."
I called her my girlfriend on stage once…
she lost the fucking plot.
Yes, because that's normal, right?
Without talking to one another,
announcing it at a live show with an audience of 150 people!
Because this isn't a life event, it's a Bollywood film, right?
In which, you would point to me and say "That girl is mine."
And I would smile and act coy.
You know, if we use the b-word before they use the g-word,
then suddenly, we are the clingy and the needy ones.
And they're like, "Bro, she's being too needy, man.
I need my space. I'm feeling suffocated."
And if they use the g-word, then we should feel privileged and obliged.
And if we don't want to be girlfriends or wives or have any sort of labels,
then we are cold-hearted bitches.
I seriously suggest that before the entire world is privy,
you need to decide among yourselves
whether you're even in a fucking relationship.
And no, fucking is not a relationship.
Also, I didn't use your connections for my gigs.
You were the one who used me as material for your gigs.
And still are.
-Siddhi! -Go, Siddhu!
What the fuck was that?
Closure.
And I'm done talking.
Oh, wow, that's mature.
I'm in therapy because of you.
Trust issues.
Okay, listen, don't you think all this is a bit much?
We barely knew each other for three months!
Oh…
so, you're gonna decide how I need to feel?
Is that also a Sobo privilege?
Oh, boo-hoo!
You know, you're a horrible fucking person.
Guess fucking what!
I'm not rajma chawal, I can't make everyone happy, okay?
That's a good line.
Make sure you use it in your set.
Oh, I will.
And you'll be buying a ticket to watch me do that.
He hates me.
-And I'm ready to do stand-up again. -Yes!
-That's my girl! -You're going to kill it!
Tell me a story.
-About a rabbit and a tortoise? -No.
Tell me about the first time you fell in love.
Okay.
So…
there was this girl, Stella.
She lived in Aldona in Goa.
Near my grandparents' house.
She'd come to watch my football matches every day.
One day, I needed to pee really badly, so I went behind the bushes to pee.
Stella saw me.
And a week later, that tree died.
Can you believe it?
Stella told everyone that my pee poisoned the bushes.
And then people started calling me P.P.
Poisonous Penis.
Do you think that…
I think you have a poisonous penis and…
that's why I'm not sleeping with you?
No, what?
Are you crazy?
I'm crazy?
It's strange, right?
You want time to move in, and that's okay, but
when I want time to, you know, put everything that happened
past me and start having sex again,
that's not okay?
And I'm crazy?
What are you saying, Damini?
I'm psycho both ways, right?
I'm the crazy one, Damini's the crazy one!
Damini-Crazy-Rizvi-Roy!
What is wrong with you?
First off, you go and mention my personal problems to that Dhananjay,
-and now, this shit? -"That" Dhananjay?
What?
Why are you bringing him into all this? And he was trying to help you!
Why are you discussing my business problems with a stranger, Damini?
-He's not a stranger. -Well, look,
maybe for you, it's perfectly normal
to take help from people you met five minutes ago,
but I don't take favors from strangers.
So, do me a favor, and tell him not to take care of it, okay, Damini?
And by the way,
I was connecting the P.P. story to your PeePee girl story.
I was just trying to make you laugh, that's all.
I'm really nervous, okay?
Everyone's there to learn, Mom.
No more doubting.
Go forth and conquer.
And it also looks like it's a senior citizens' gathering.
-I hope I'm in the right place. -Mom.
Yeah, okay. Love you, bye.
-Hello. -Hello.
-Good morning, everyone! -Good morning!
I'm your instructor, Rajan Malhotra.
So,
let's start with how to invest in the stock mark--
-Sorry. -It's okay.
I'm so sorry.
-Here you go. -Thank you.
Shall I continue, Miss…
Mrs. Sneha Viju Patel.
Yes, please continue.
Thank you, Mrs. Sneha Viju Patel.
So, stock market.
What stocks should you invest in?
How to pick them?
Growth stocks?
Yield stocks?
Large cap? Mid cap?
-Small cap-- -I'm…
I'm really sorry.
You said growth stocks, yield stocks.
-What did you say after-- -No…
don't worry.
This is just the orientation. You can start on the notes a little later.
Okay. Stocks.
What about new issues?
There are definitely short-term gains there.
After all, we're not exactly young anymore.
Except, of course, you, ma'am.
Old or young,
short-term or long-term,
the market always comes with a risk.
My husband used to say that.
And he passed away very suddenly at the age of 54.
So, one thing I know…
is that there are no guarantees in life.
And you're absolutely right.
There are none.
Especially, in the stock market.
So, on that note, can anyone tell me what are…
blue-chip stocks?
-Blue-chip stocks? -Anyone?
Any guesses?
Yeah, sure, of course.
Blue-chip stocks…
are like that wealthy, entitled, old man,
you know, the ones with the expensive collection of fine wines and cigars
worth millions.
Proud and slow, but also, trustworthy,
and financially sound.
With time, their value and reputation only go higher.
Absolutely brilliant!
With your kind permission, may I use that in my next orientation?
-Sure. -Thank you.
So, moving on.
Blue-chip stocks.
Hi, where are you?
I've been waiting.
Okay, I'll wait downstairs.
So, how long has it been?
Seven months.
Five years.
Does it get any easier?
I try every day.
Try to keep myself busy.
Work, workshops, travel.
You know what's the hardest bit?
Is it the mornings?
Yeah.
When you wake up in the morning
and your hand moves automatically to the pillow next to you,
that's when you realize.
"Oh, she's not there."
Twenty-seven years.
Living without Viju…
I just don't know how to do it.
You know, for me, she's still here.
I mean, in all the small things.
In the breakfast,
in the newspaper's Sudoku puzzle,
or in someone's bad joke, when you realize
how much she would've laughed.
And sometimes, you catch yourself using her favorite curse.
Or when her favorite song plays on the radio.
Or in your daughter's eyes.
Exactly.
They're here.
Yeah.
I think you're right.
My daughter, Siddhi.
Siddhi!
Come and meet my instructor, Rajan Malhotra.
Mama, it's getting late. Can we leave?
-No problem. -Come.
Siddhi?
Ms. Patel. Pleasure.
Hello.
Siddhi?
By the way, your mom is a great student.
Makes some brilliant analogies.
I'm sure.
I'll see you on Saturday.
Next class.
See you.
-Bye. -Bye.
Bye.
Move.
It was a really excellent class.
Yeah, I can see that.
As in?
As in…
paying special attention to his special student?
Siddhi…
-really? -Seriously, Mummy?
You're still doubting it even after the Uncle Manohar episode?
Come on, Raju. Take us home.
Caramel!
Hey, hey, Caramel!
-Hi, Caramel? -Hi.
Is your name Caramel? Hi, Caramel!
Caramel, sit!
Actually, we're closed right now. You can come tomorrow.
Oh, no, we were just out for a walk.
Hi!
I run this bakery down the road.
This Caramel, she just barged in, so…
thought we would peep in.
Sure. Peep all you like. Yeah.
-You can come in. -Thank you.
Come! Come on, Caramel!
Caramel, go inside!
-Thank you. -No problem.
What great energy!
-I'm Meher, by the way. -Umang.
Umang's Umami.
The fifth taste.
That which words can't describe.