Nowadays, eyes don't open before afternoon
Nowadays, eyes don't open before afternoon.
I slept only in your lap, mom.
I tell that witch "I love you" everyday.
I tell that witch "I love you" everyday,
but I forget to ask you, "How are you?", Mom.
Great, Chirag!
Forgive me.
Forgive me, I can't be like you.
What can I do,
-I'm a son, not Mom. -Mom!
Ma Ma miya.
What a fabulous performance
by Chirag Bansal from Hostel 3.
Jaggery is healthier than sugar,
let's welcome our next poet
from Hostel 2, Madhur.
Will you take it home?
I'm not a man.
Is it a thing to laugh?
I'm not a man.
We can see brother.
Neither do I have a beard like Kohli,
Nor a vocabulary of abuse words unholy!
If a man doesn't feel pain,
he has to show his valor every time.
Then I am not a man!
Women's day, children's day, earth day
even that 7 day marathon of love is memorized,
but what about Men's day?
I write male in front of sex in forms,
but there is no match of my responsibilities.
I cry like girls,
I pass out in one beer. I'm not a man.
Baby might like bass,
but I like baby pink.
I'm not a man.
What's happening?
The quality of poets has gone down.
I get scared from darkness,
I'm not a man.
I can't drive fast,
I'm not a man.
I can't satisfy my girl in bed,
I'm not a man.
Thank you.
If I go out in jungle, the cuckoo says,
Coo.
When I see H3's face then my mouth says,
Yuck!
Look at this, he took first prize by saying he is not a man.
Let's go.
3rd in LAN gaming, as you can't keep up with Rohan and Dilip.
Fourth in quiz, because everyone is scared from viva.
And disqualified in face painting.
I didn't knew that blood was not allowed to be used for painting.
Some guys used to consider themselves stud,
See here comes H3's
And about poetry, Chirag?
I should have taken, the Road not taken.
Bhopu brother, being the team leader,
I take the whole credit of this embarrassing defeat.
One more
Look, here comes H3's
There is a talk going on in the hostels,
We got to know
There is something growing in beneath H3
Our seniors,
their burden is on me since I've become cultural head.
Look at their faces,
they have won the contest for years.
They had the drive that after every competition,
they used to go to hostel 2 drinking 16 glass of water.
You know why?
To become triple H?
To play the festival of pee on their walls.
And now they have stopped participating in hostel activities.
They only study.
Like they came to college for that.
Now hostel 3's butt
is in your hand.
And if it gets beaten this time,
do something Chirag.
Who made a dick on Bhopu's face? We will get our file made from him.
Brother, you wrote very emotionally.
Their team had all boys,
we got aunts.
The audience betrayed us.
They related with impotence.
But for me, you are the winner Chirag.
I could have dedicated your poetry to my mother,
but she isn't that good of a mother.
Chirag, don't you lose hope. We will see them.
I think it's the judge's fault.
You saw that?
It's always the judge's fault. Always.
Slam poetry is already loser's medium.
They have to write rubbish.
Okay, now you are judging the judge, that what is she doing here?
I'm this hostel's alumni.
Earlier I used to listen to judges being a contestant,
and now being a judge.
We judges don't get any respect.
And these people are providing cab
as well as one meal and fresh juice.
Oh hello? Last time it was chicken sandwich. Where is it this time?
Go, bring it fast.
Sachin, who took out the chicken sandwich from the box?
It's very important to make trouble for the peace of heart.
Hostel rivalry is like this too.
Wherever you get free time and testosterone,
there must be a fire.
And about me,
when Bhallal dev and Bahubali will meet together,
then Shivagami will sit in AC and
keep judging and give points.
You shouldn't have removed that line,
"When there are four people in house, and three cake pieces,
then she stays hungry, Mom."
Hey, Manjrekar? If you know this much, then you should have done it.
This is fairly new, that is why you are so emotional.
This hostel rivalry shit is going on from years.
Jhaatu, you leave this.
You are used to humiliation, not us.
Guys, guys. Wait a minute,
Not everything is lost, we have that short film competition.
Exactly, we will fight in that.
No, Akanksha.
This time we will not fight.
Okay.
This time,
we will win.
Title.
Crew, I welcome you all
to the first production meet of Maal Magnum Opus.
Every side is yours, but the earth is mine.
What a name.
This is a tragic tale about 2 friends.
Vigyan and Dhanwan.
Dhanwan has no parents,
but Vigyan has two.
Mother and Mother Nature.
Oh.
Wow.
Vigyan, being on the path of science,
tells to Mukesh Dhanwan that 'don't do pollution', don't do it, don't', But he...
But what?
If I tell you everything,
will you make boats out of script, sister?
Take this. Read the script.
This is a blood wrenching tale of two friends.
We will see how jealousy,
pride and friendship fucks the environment.
Just because he read a few books, he's the director now?
-Akku? -Yes.
You wear clothes.
So you will be responsible for costumes and makeup.
Nabo, your camera sense is very bad.
So I'll handle the camera.
Hello, this is my camera.
Sister, this is for your good.
Don't get into this industry. This industry is not good, princess.
-Really? -Yes.
Princess will do camera, move.
She's very stubborn.
And now, very very important.
Actors.
Jaat, Jaat, Jaat.
You have always been there with me in my bad times.
You have been my biggest support.
That is why you will be the supporting actor of the film.
And lead actor will be Ankit.
Cut, cut, cut.
There is a personality of the hero, his charisma.
What does he have that I don't?
Hey, Jaat.
He has read four books, he is our director.
A useless director.
It's not like that.
Actually, the lead character which I'm thinking about is a big loser.
Ankit is perfect for that.
Oh.
Thank you.
And what will I do?
You will be spot boy. You will bring snacks for everyone.
-Spot boy? -Yes.
Asshole, I'm G-spot boy.
Let me know if there is anything for me.
See,
he would have had the budget money.
Huh? You would have told me that earlier.
He's called a producer.
I'll do it. No problem.
Producer.
We will win the competition this time, the judge is my aunt.
Guys, his aunt is the judge and our film hasn't even started.
Baby, baby.
Jaat, come on the mark.
Come on, let's start.
So the scene is that Dhanwan has come to meet Vigyan.
These childhood friends are now 55 years old.
Very good.
Dhanwan's ten companies have tanked.
But he still has one thing.
His pride.
What does Vigyan have?
Vigyan has a futuristic grape farm.
One grape has so much calories,
that it can cure the hunger of all of Africa's kids.
-Nice. -And Dhanwan,
wants to set up a plant at his farm.
Being a businessman, why a plant?
Nuclear plant.
-Oh, nice. -Got it?
I'll tell you the dialogue.
Jaat, your bag.
Oh, daughter.
This torn bag
has shown a scientist's poverty very well,
Thanks, we had to tear your bag.
-What? -Very good job Akku.
-Very nice. -Thank you.
Extremely well.
-Thanks. -Okay.
-Do the final touch up of everyone. -Yes.
Let's go.
That's it, sister.
Yes.
And air attack!
What is this? What?
Air squad!
We have got the shot of poor people.
We'll finish the remaining shoot here. Let's go.
What is this behavior?
What are you doing here?
And where did you get the drone from?
We didn't find it, we made it.
In our mid term project. What did you make?
Volcano?
Hey, we made solar system.
Solar panel, Jaat.
Hey, look.
Don't disturb us, okay?
I've gotten into the hero's character.
And my character is a murderer.
Ankit, no spoilers.
-Sorry, sorry. -You?
Hero? No one will give you even the replacement of hero.
What did you say? Say it again.
You, your voice has that depth.
You are hero material, my boy.
You are hero material. Call me.
What did you say? Say it again.
And you? What a stupid director you are!
Where is your hat?
Is this how you will win Jashn-e-darpan 2022?
I don't wanna brag,
but last year our film went for Dombivili film festival.
And this year,
we have also sent it for the Coorg Film Festival.
So what? Is the festival a big deal?
We will release it on Diwali guys.
Look at this Jhaatu.
He used to make drinks every weekend,
now he's making lemonade.
Dumb.
Dumb?
How can he call me dumb on my face?
He can say behind my back.
I only spared him as you girls were there.
Otherwise I would have thrashed them well.
Okay.
I heard that they have taken Mr. Fresher as hero.
And however, personality is important to be hero.
Not good looks.
You.
He doesn't have that too.
And I have seen in serials, they take new hero in new season.
This is still a short film. You change it.
And the film can be super hit without supporting actor too.
You know which is the most popular category in porn right?
-What is it? -POV.
Brother, we are shemale one's.
Now you decide Chirag, that you need this POV or this SUV.
-Yes you decide. -Guys, guys.
Guys, stop it.
In every film the problem comes before the interval only.
So tomorrow we will shoot the climax.
So what if they removed us from location?
Tomorrow we will wake up early and go to new a location.
What will happen?
Vigyan and Dhanwan will
meet in basketball court instead of Civil court.
So guys, tomorrow is a big day.
Get some good sleep, okay?
And Ankit, my boy.
Get some beauty sleep.
Beauty sleep.
Okay, enough.
-Just blow him. -Shut up.
-Ankit. -Tomorrow is a very special day.
You wake us up so early, I didn't even sleep properly.
Nabo, it's 12.30.
Dad would have even burped after the lunch.
So early?
Ankit.
-Coffee? -No no.
But...
-Look at the lines. -I'm prepared
you take care of your actor.
Still, one time..
Let's go, everyone ready?
Yes.
Great.
Spot?
I told you there should be an umbrella on actor's head.
He's standing in sunlight from so long, where is the umbrella?
The whole film is being produced at the cost of one umbrella.
If you ask for umbrella, I will sit on your chest and beat you up.
Okay, umbrella cancel. You sit.
Ready? Actors on your mark. Action.
I'm holding hands and requesting to you,
that reduce your stubbornness.
Reuse your brain,
and recycle your thinking.
If possible then please forgive me Vigyan.
Cut, cut cut.
-What happened? -Ankit?
Your eyes should be teary while speaking these lines.
-You know, emotion? -Okay, okay.
Okay, okay.
Guys, let him take some time.
If side actor performs better than lead actor, then the film won't look good.
No problem.
The makeup is done.
Action.
I'm holding hands and requesting to you, Dhanwan
that reduce your stubbornness.
reuse your brain
and recycle your thinking.
Very good.
Just do it.
Ankit.
Asshole, do it.
If possible, then forgive me Vigyan.
-Cut it, Ankit. -What happend.
Where are the tears? I want the tears.
Where should I bring the tears from, my Anurag Basu?
Chirag, you give me permission,
I'll bring out his pee and tears in one slap.
-Jaat. -Slap me then.
Guys, guys please don't fight.
What are you doing? You have to fight in film, not for the film.
And not for the kind of film which has no direction.
I've been asking, when will we do production?
But who himself doesn't know
how to produce? How will you tell others?
Okay, don't do. Hey, come here.
Return the budget money.
You have eaten for about 200 people in about 2 days,
and you are asking me for the maths?
-Nothing is left, fatty. -Hey?
You can't talk to director like that, what if he cried?
If he cries, then he will get beaten up with slippers.
-What is happening? -Is this your crew Chirag?
Exactly. No one becomes Scorcese by wearing glasses.
You are raging bull, not it's director.
And brother, this girl is also not nice.
I'm asking her from five days
that how can a rectangle film be made from round lens, but she doesn't tell.
-Look. -So, at least she's trying.
She didn't come from the village to become a side actor.
Hey!
I don't know who has made him the hero?
If you weren't Chirag's friend,
no one would have even asked you to clean the set.
-Yes. -And being a DOPA,
will you act like a pornstar too?
We want hero, not a plumber.
And his face is bad too.
Attitude is also not very cool.
You can only be an extra even in your own biography.
Jaat,
what are you saying?
Nabo, tears came. Start rolling.
-I will humiliate him more. -Do, do.
His beard also comes in installments.
You are the real impotent.
Shut up. Just shut up.
What kind of unprofessional people are you?
Cinema is society's mirror.
But when the room is so dark, the reflection is impossible.
I need to give directions to everyone.
I can't do everything. I'm an engineer, not Kamal Hassan.
You don't want to do it?
You don't want to do it? You neither?
Don't do it. Now I don't want to do it.
The whole country comes together during the match with Pakistan.
But in IPL we divide among each other.
Kohli Gambhir, Kohli Rohit, Kohli Suryakumar, Kohli..
You know the drill. But don't worry,
Just like the comment section of Coke Studio,
everyone will come together here too. Keep watching.
Move.
Keep your eyes open.
What happened to him?
I told you, Pankhudi is participating in wrestling competition.
Don't propose to her. She beat you up right?
Shut up asshole.
You have the habit of bending, and we are getting beaten.
You lost the poetry right, you will lose again.
But what happened?
When older generations shits, the younger generation bears it.
Look at Malya's daughter.
These H2 boys beat us wherever we see them.
I'm scared to go to class too.
Disgusting.
But, what made you cry my dear Keeda?
He abused in the name of father, I stayed quiet.
in the name of mother, I stayed quiet,
then they said motherfucker, so I couldn't control.
Fuck. Enough.
Enough.
I have decided,
I will be back.
I'm not Malya.
See you in empty theatres near you.
Just blow me, everything will be all right.
Guys,
apologizing doesn't make anyone less of a person.
And I'm glad you guys did it
A fist is made from five fingers.
We are still 6.
So, we will make Hritik's fist,
-we will make H2.. -We will make film.
Touche.
Anyways, we are gathered here for a reason
Because we lost the basketball court too.
Because some Tina's and Rahul's think that they can play basketball there.
So what? They can't take one thing from us.
That is our unity.
Fast, fast. Now hold.
So many pages to shoot and so few days.
How will it happen Jhaatu?
And till then, keep watching.
It's good.
What about the color palette?
Noir.
Yes, ask Nair. He has knowledge.
He will become Quentin Tarantino.
Chirag, come.
You put my credit, right?
Yes I wrote DOP.
Not DOP, I'm cameraman.
-It's the same, Nabo. -DOP!
She is so greedy, always asking for something or the other.
Let's go.
Come, our turn is coming.
Let's go.
Cheers.
Vigyan, where is the ice?
Melted!
We have gang banged the environment.
I asked you so many times,
don't create pollution.
But you didn't listen to me.
Now, die!
Awesome, brother.
Earth-dwellers, the businessmen of this planet,
have played football with this earth.
The goal made, and we lost.
But trust me and Elon brother.
Because the right time to enter Mars has come
So we will meet again, in this galaxy.
On this solar planet, but taking care of another planet.
What did you make?
Mom.
What a dick actor? Look at his face.
His face is like shit and his acting too.
Chirag! Make something different? What are you doing? You fatso boy.
Useless director, useless film!
You ruined TV's name. What a bad acting you have done. Chirag, moron.
I failed. I failed everyone.
I wanted to make Tenet by flipping time.
I couldn't even make a 1080p film.
I wanted to create a suspense like shutter island,
not nonsense like Sajid Khan.
Chirag brother, winning and losing are part of life, leave it.
I don't have the sorrow of losing to H2
I'm sad because I didn't come last in my life.
You know?
Sorrow is a part of life.
But there is one sorrow,
which just feels permanent.
I'm feeling the same today.
Sorry guys,
I'll take the transfer certificate tomorrow itself.
What are you saying? We won.
But how?
Did we buy reviews?
It didn't come to that, we won on merit.
Come.
You crazy!
I can't do this, you shake hands with me.
-You pick me! -But what happened to H2 guys' film?
They made a film from blind people's perspective.
There was a black screen for 1.5 hours.
And his director was indecent.
He tried to get with his actress, like casting couch.
So our film was left, we came first.
Yes?
Where is Nabomita?
She is clicking selfies with the judge.
Hail Chirag Bansal.
-Who's the best? -Chirag Bansal Chirag Bansal.
Chirag Bansal!
You guys beat H2 guys.
We will show them, brother.
Look clearly, who is your dad? Chirag Bansal Pokemon.
I'm agriculture engineer guys,
You will give me land, I will plow it.
You will show your butt to H3,
I will break chawanprash on it.
Hey!
Where are you going?
Jassi, your interview is there, that is why I'm washing your underwear.
Badri brother?
-Yes? -Let's rehearse for the interview once.
Yes. Where do you see yourself in five years?
First of all Sir, it's been an utter honour.
Please go. The walls of H2 are waiting for you sir.
What are you saying?
I have defeated H2.
We are winners.
I was going to bring chicken dinner too, but it's Tuesday.
So?
So by drinking 16 glasses of water,
peeing on their walls
set your bladders free.
Are you dumb?
You know that H3 is the newest hostel? It got constructed 3 years back only.
Before that we used to live in H2 only.
That means our ancestors are our enemies?
Brother, go to your room and study.
The placement cell won't look at the menace of hostel,
but your marksheet.
Dumb.
-Go. -Sorry Sir.
-Go to your room. -Yes I'm going.
So sir, as I was saying,
in five years I see myself doing a stand-up special for Amazon prime.
Stand-up?
You are an engineer. Talk about engineering.
But all the engineers do stand-up only.
Are you feeling bad?
So come here, sit on this chair and watch their 'film'.
The respect for censor board awakens after watching their film.
At least they can outburst by cutting the scenes.
The purpose of competition in hostel,
is to make the student's resume strong
and to install teamwork in them.
When they get a job in future, then
they will schmooze their boss together.
And about their inner filmmaker,
after 10 years when they watch their film, they will spit on themselves.
Listen?
Last year you booked SUV, why a mini this time?
What are you thinking? Book a new one.
Sachin, why didn't you book a helicopter?
-Trouble! -Do one thing, book a train for her.