Hmm. Who wrote this?
Sir, I wrote this.
-So, you wrote this? -Yes, sir.
-Good. Very good. -Thank you, sir.
What thank you? This is rubbish.
If you want to write this garbage, then go to Mumbai and write films.
There is a lot of scope there.
These kinds of people become engineers,
miss deadlines and then make roads with potholes.
And scooters get stuck in those potholes and the dean
will say you are late again.
Idiot. Fix it!
May I come in, sir?
What is going on here?
Who ordered food in the class?
Who is that delivery guy? Whose food is this?
I am a final-year student, sir. Ankit Pandey.
Actually, my attendance was short in practicals, so
I need your signature on this application, sir.
Otherwise, I will be debarred from the examination.
I have never seen you before today. You haven't shown your face.
Sir, how will you remember my face among so many people?
Shut up!
Three boys come here from your class, CV III.
I even remember their Insta handles.
Innocent Devil Aditya, Elon Musquitiyo,
and _KissmyEx.
What were you doing for so many days?
Studies, sir. It's my final year.
Shut up. Don't talk nonsense. I'll tell you what you were doing.
You were partying.
You were watching movies with your girlfriend.
Oh, sorry. You won't have a girlfriend.
The CS guys have girlfriends. Right?
You were spending your father's money.
The money which that hard-working man earned after working overtime,
taking extra classes, costing him his blood and sweat.
Now just like you spent that hard-working man's money,
treat this the same way. Come on. Blow on it.
-No, sir. -Go on. Blow on it.
Oh, it nosedived just like your career.
Sir, if I get debarred, I won't be able to sit for my placements.
So? You are used to sitting idle for three years.
Now, use it.
-Sir, please, one last chance. -Get out.
-Sir, only one... -Get out!
And, you. I will make you dive into this curing tank. Fix the reading.
-Sir, mine is done. -Shut up.
He is done.
You must be thinking that I am the villain of this story.
I am. I have to be. Otherwise, these guys won't behave.
If there were no villains ruling Gotham City,
then Mr Wayne's son would have been indulging in debauchery like them too.
But their fathers don't even have that kind of money.
Still, look at their attitudes.
There is so much cut-throat competition outside.
Kids do so much to get that extra edge. Like internships.
Please, sir, let me intern for your company. I can work for free, sir.
You are my son. I am not going to pay you anyway.
Come to the office tomorrow morning at sharp nine o'clock.
They contest elections.
Jatin, move forward. We are all with you.
They embarrass themselves in fests.
I can't open my eyes before noon nowadays.
I could only sleep in your lap, mom.
They don't even know ABCD.
But they are well-versed in C++.
And most kids do the thing
that takes the least amount of effort and is the most fun. Wasting time.
And then how quickly the four years of
engineering fly while they are drinking tea,
they barely realize it.
Is the order ready?
You know that I have brought the can.
If you drink black coffee with this, you'll enjoy it more.
Uncle, you have made such bad tea again.
I gave you the recipe just yesterday.
Where do I have the time to read recipes, Jhantoo?
You should have made a reel. Five incredible ways to make tea.
Let me get the stamp of unemployment first. Then I will make reels.
And do you want to improve your business or not?
So, when you boil water, add ginger first and everything else later.
-Make a good cup of tea for me. -Okay. I will try.
People don't know how to make tea here.
-Try this. -A lot of people don't know how to make tea.
It's hot.
Slowly. It's hot.
You are impossible.
Here you go. Go on.
You eat as well.
No. Get away from me.
Eat it. This is what you'll sell after the interview.
You are here again, Miss Sarcasm.
Yes, I am.
Guys, only a few days are left. Where are your CVs?
I made my CV in five different languages and sent it already.
And I even wrote in Python. When the code compiles, it will print on its own.
That one is really cool. You'll see.
My dad has already uploaded my CV on the matrimonial site. I'll send that link.
Really? Then what will the interviewer ask you? How much dowry you'll take?
Shall we discuss it?
The professor isn't allowing me to take the exam.
Upload my CV on the matrimonial site too.
All these tantrums are only so the professors can dominate us.
They'll boss us around, make us cry and then sign.
So, Akku, if you have a good CV, then please send it to me.
Jhantoo, you can't copy. It is very important for the CV to be unique.
Just like people notice a stolen bio with dating profiles,
similarly, the interviewer will notice too.
Well, I have a lot of experience on dating apps.
Tell me, is there any such company coming whose
employee recently left and they are heartbroken?
And their self-esteem is a little low?
Such a vulnerable company will hire me in a jiffy.
Yes, but the problem is if that employee returns
in a week or so, the scoundrels will fire me.
Check this tea now. Is it good?
Wow. Great. But it still has scope for improvement.
-Okay. -Next time.
Listen, order a cold drink for me, please.
No. You just had tea and now you want a cold drink.
-You'll catch a cold and then I'll catch it too. No! -No.
No.
How will you catch a cold if she catches a cold?
How will I catch it?
Close proximity. Seventh-grade science, Akku. Come on.
But Akansha is the one who is in close proximity to her.
So, she is the one who will catch a cold, right?
Detective.
-Akansha will catch it. -Yes, Akansha...
-You keep scolding Jhantoo all the time, right? -Yes.
-Yes, so? -So...
So, the particles of your saliva will fall on Jhantoo.
Yes, they will fall on Jhantoo.
-And Ankit is in close proximity to Jhantoo. -Ankit.
-And Ankit... -In Ankit's close radius is Jaat...
-Jaat. -Yes, and I am the one who hangs out with Jaat.
-Complete circle. -So, I am the one who'll catch it.
-Like this. -This is how a virus works.
It's basic. They teach this in the sixth grade. Come on, Akku.
-How are we close? -They teach that in sixth grade.
Did you guys get high this morning?
-No, no, Chirag. -No.
-Come. Let's get a cold drink. -Yes.
-This is what happens when you read too much. -It's basic, guys.
Get me a samosa.
-One shouldn't study so much. -Yes.
This is getting too difficult. Shall we tell them the truth?
What should we tell them? That we have been dating for two months
but we didn't tell our friends because they'll tease us?
Terrifying. But we'll have to do something, right?
What should we do?
What if our love story began just now,
not two months ago?
-Yes. -Yes.
We can do this. Let's create a fake love story for our real love story.
-This sounds right. -Yeah.
-My wisdom is rubbing off on you. What will you have? -Shut up.
Experience will be covered by the internship.
So, that's done. What's left are achievements and skills.
So, just write whatever random things you have done in college.
Write down whatever you have done as J Shah.
Jaat, some kids from the batch took your help to make a car, right?
Yes, I stole some petrol and gave it to them.
-Perfect. Write that. -Petrol?
Mention that as your experience.
Okay? And, Ankit, you...
-I have done things too... -Yes, but...
I... No, I can't mention that.
Actually, I have done a lot of things in the past four years.
So, I will accumulate it and send it.
I will make my CV.
Yes, and use your certificates.
Yes, I will do that.
'Hostel Daze.'
What should I write as my career objective in my CV?
Just write the reason you are doing engineering.
Write that you are fulfilling your parent's dream.
What?
-Should I write that too? -Hey, don't copy me.
-Don't copy it. -I'll be right back.
Reaching new heights in career by scaling peaks
of achievements to attain higher altitude in industry.
You asshole, are you a mountaineer?
It seems like you are going to climb Mount Everest. Cool. Show me more.
Your CV says you went to IIT Bombay.
Yes, I did. To meet my sister.
Deduct rupees fifty for this.
You have written here that you installed a solar power
clothes dryer in the hostel premises. When did you do that?
Who put the clothesline outside to dry clothes?
Look, guys, just as our relatives praise their kids in front of our moms,
highlight your achievements in the same way.
And no one will write under achievements that
they wooed their senior. I am talking to you.
Yes, brother, greetings. I called because you said you'll send me the CV.
No, no. I won't copy it. I will merely refer to it. Yes.
No, no. I am not overconfident at all. I am fully prepared.
Yes, yes. You'll send the CV, right?
Yes, yes, please send it. Thank you, brother.
We got the CV. Come on.
-Chirag. -Yes?
-Chirag. -Who is it?
-It's me, Ankit. -Yes, I am coming.
-What? -Help me make my CV.
Come later. I have an online yoga class going on.
Just tell me what to write under the strength section.
Just write something interesting.
Write about your problem-solving skills.
Adaptive and flexible by nature.
Eye for detail. Write things like that.
-And what about... -Now come later.
-My teacher is waiting. -Can you just...
It's D for detail, not I for detail. Asshole.
So, what does this mean? That if you don't want to drown in shallow water,
you must go on this boat because it has concrete along with what?
-Admixtures. -Good.
It seems you will pass this year.
Everyone, write down admixtures. Do you know how to spell it?
May I come in, sir?
Come.
I have already refused you, haven't I?
Sir, please. Sir, accept this.
If I can't appear for my exams, I'll fail, sir.
Son, you have already failed in life.
Go. Prepare for next year. Go.
Sir, it's just a signature. It's a small thing.
It's just a small thing, is it?
Alright. So, you guys, decide now.
Either he will stay in this class or me. It's just a small thing.
-Okay. -Let's go.
Hey! Come back!
Idiots.
I knew you guys will do this.
I am not going anywhere.
And if he doesn't leave this class now, you will all be marked absent.
Now, you decide.
-Please go, man. -Please go.
-We need attendance. -Just go, man.
Write it down. Admixtures.
We'll get the doctor's certificate next time.
Everyone does it.
Then this scoundrel will sign as well as show sympathy.
Sympathy? Him?
He must have scolded his newborn baby too for attendance.
Baby, I am seeing your face for the first time.
Who takes this long? Go. Try in your next life.
He shouts in front of the first-year students.
They must be thinking that I am a loser.
No, the first-year students respect us.
What respect? Look, how they were staring.
Good morning, brother. Good morning.
Brother, I need your help.
-Regarding what? -I want your fluid mechanics notes.
Are you sure you want my notes?
Yes, brother. Since you are in the fourth year,
it will be helpful for me. Please give them to me.
Okay. I'll mail them to you.
Who reads emails? Do one thing.
Put them on this.
It's a two-MB file. Do one thing. Keep this.
Text me your id. I'll mail it to you. Okay? Go now.
Go.
-You are respected in the department. -A few of them do respect me.
Take advantage of him. Talk to him.
-Should I go back? -He is coming.
-Brother. -Tell me.
You want my number, right? Take it.
No, no, I have your number.
I was saying that if you could transfer your
exclusive collection to this along with the notes.
Which collection?
The one that is only seen by your close circle.
We have already seen the other one a couple of times.
-Come here. -Yes, brother.
-You asshole. -What happened, brother?
-Am I an idiot? -No, no.
Do one thing. Tell me your room number.
-No, brother, I won't tell you. No! -Tell me your room number.
E 33.
Alien sex.
-Armpit porn. -Which porn?
-Armpit. -Armpit porn? Show me your armpit.
What's this? Hairy men.
-This is cool. He is fashionable. -Look at his choice.
What were you doing last night at nine?
I wasn't doing anything.
-My best friend's girlfriend? -No, that opened by mistake.
-Should I tell your best friend? -No, no.
Hey.
You asshole, stay within your limit. Okay?
Yes, brother, I was saying that...
What? Get out of here, asshole.
-Brother, my hard disk. -You won't get it back.
Sir, the guys from my wing contributed to buy it. They will thrash me badly.
I will smash it so hard that its F drive and your sex drive will both be deleted.
Get out of here. Run, asshole.
I will punch you, asshole.
-Did you see that? -Yes, bro, I saw it.
They all think that I am a loser.
You can laugh. Yes, keep laughing.
The professor was right. What did he say wrong?
What have I accomplished in the past three years?
That is why I am not able to write a single page.
Not a single page in my CV.
Let it be, bro.
We'll do something about that.
-Evil spirit, get out of my friend's body. -What are you doing?
I will drive this evil spirit out of your body today.
-There is no evil spirit. -Yes, there is.
You were absolutely normal till 21 years of age. Now, you want a girl too.
Oh, Jaat, my brother.
Not a girl, a gf. Yes.
And it's normal nowadays.
Look, only the chosen ones have girlfriends in engineering life.
Don't you want us to be the chosen ones too?
Last year, I could proudly say that at least three out of us four are safe.
But this year, you lost your armour too.
Now, tell me this, are you yet to choose a girl?
-Or have you done that too without me? -No!
That remains to be done.
Who will you do it with? Someone from our group?
Yes. Who would I date though?
I mean, in our group.
Ankit is your ex and I am over him.
-Jaat. -Oh, he likes boys.
Yes, so, who else is there?
Jhantoo?
-The only one left is Chirag. -What do you think about him?
Hmm.
Nabomita? She is the one you like?
Yes, no. I mean
I don't like her but I can try to like her.
You can try to woo me too. But it's not like I will be wooed easily.
Do one thing.
Buy a bunch of roses.
And buy a can of kerosene oil.
As soon as the girl says no to you, light yourself on fire.
Hey, no.
-Yes, he is cute. -Right?
-But... -But?
-Nothing. -Tell me.
Isn't her laugh a bit weird?
Don't you find him a little immature?
Immature?
-Laugh? -Yes. Pay attention to it.
I have never noticed that.
Look, why will any mature guy be friends with Jaat and Jhantoo?
Anyone seems mature compared to them, just like I seem thin compared to you.
-What? -Nothing.
Chirag, I am wiser than you. That is why I am saying this to you.
People turn blind in love.
Should I write Resume or Curriculum Vitae?
You were making your CV, right? So, just write that. You got distracted again.
I got distracted the day I chose to study engineering.
But anyway, now it's time to recentre your navigation, Ankit Pandey.
The problem is that you are very common.
You merely have the person in your personality.
You don't know the first thing about being an alpha.
I mean you are so average that when people see you, they start asking,
how much average does he give?
-When your parents had sex for the first time... -Enough, brother.
Yes, I went on the wrong tangent.
So, I mean to say that if the CV is average, the job will be average.
That means the CV should be unique.
Whether it is the bedroom or the office, fake it till you make it.
Here, this has the CVs of the toppers from the last ten years.
Steal some tiny bits from all the CVs.
This is cool. Thanks, dude.
-Have you kissed? -Yes.
Then write, proficient in French.
Write all the courses. CAT, STAT, drafting, rendering.
I haven't done these. I'll get caught.
You'll get caught if they see it.
What do you think? The high-paying employees
of multinational companies will sit and read Ankit Pandey's CV?
All the keywords of all the CVs are screened through software.
If you change the font colour to white,
your CV will not only get selected, you won't get caught too.
That's amazing.
Thank you.
Look, no matter how great the man of the match performs in the match,
he is always judged by the quality of his English.
So whatever your special achievement in this hostel is,
write that down in pure English.
Curator.
Connoisseur of rare films
of the aphrodisiac category.
-Is that what they call porn? -That must be it.
Now, this is interesting.
This is what you should have filtered.
Send this to Akansha. You'll get a job.
And listen. Give a cup of this to that tea guy.
He had one job.
Forget about the job. First, I should get to write my exams.
I can't understand how to get that old man's signature on the application.
Here is the doctor's certificate.
And listen. It was a human physician so he charged an extra hundred bucks.
Jhantoo, my brother, thank you so much.
What would become of me if it wasn't for you?
I was in a huge existential crisis for the past few days...
-It cost me an extra hundred bucks. -Yes, sorry.
You are the best, Jhantoo.
-Listen. -Yes?
You listed photography as your interest
-but your focus is always off. -Hmm?
Focus. Your focus is always off.
You also wrote you are adventurous.
You can't even have panipuri that is slightly more than medium spicy.
At least I don't eat sweet ginger powder like Jaat.
Okay. Check the work experience, please.
Chirag? Why are you drinking through the straw? Are you a kid?
You have a problem with everything.
What is so funny about this?
Look at your face.
Grow up, Chirag.
-Oh, hello. I have grown up. -You have it on your spectacles too.
And anyway, people stop growing after eighteen. Got it?
She doesn't know anything and she is asking me to grow up.
All the fonts are wrong. These fonts are all different.
So many spelling mistakes too.
Hey, get out of here.
Bro, why do you keep us engaged in all this?
-He is distracting us. -We came here to become engineers.
We didn't come here to become artists. Artists don't get jobs.
So, Akku, how are you doing?
Ankit, what kind of music do you listen to?
-What? -Such questions are asked
before the relationship, not after...
What kind of music do you listen to?
-Rock. -When and where did rock start?
How would I know? Ask the Rock or the Undertaker.
Rock music started in the 1940s in the US after the Great Depression.
I don't even listen to rock and yet, I know.
What nonsense have you written in your CV?
Under career objective, you have written
that a piece of paper can't decide my future.
Under interests, you mentioned a 15 percent education loan?
And you have written Shakespearean English. Behold I liketh surfing.
Clearly, this CV is fake.
If I can find flaws in this,
the guy who has taken 500 interviews will definitely reject this.
You are fooling yourself to fool him.
Fine. Let them reject me. Okay?
I don't have an option.
You have an option.
You are a fresher. No one is expecting much from you.
Just be honest in your CV. Be yourself.
Look, Akku, I know what I am doing. Okay?
Haven't you heard that saying?
Fake it till you make it.
Brother, Bhojpuri music must have originated in Bihar.
Write that too. And also wrote that you play this single drum.
It is called an instrument.
Okay. Come. Let's give your medical certificate to your professor.
Yes. I won't spare that scoundrel today.
My God, Chirag, you are so immature.
You should get admission to a school after you pass out from college.
Oh, hello. When was I being immature? Don't talk nonsense.
You should get admitted to a school.
She has never seen herself laugh.
What about my laugh?
-Tell me. -You should know. You laugh every day.
-Laugh. -Tell me.
What should I tell you? Laugh and see.
No, no. You are not laughing now like you usually do.
Laugh as you laugh.
Okay. So, you make me laugh. Go on.
-Why should I make you laugh? You laugh. -Tell me a joke, Make me laugh.
-I should make you laugh? -Make me laugh.
Okay. I will make you laugh so much that all your oxytocin will be released.
-By tickling you. -No!
See! That loop!
See, this childishness.
I get it now. Funny.
-Me? -No.
The things that other people find problematic about us,
we didn't even notice those things before this.
Yes.
And when we started taking what they said seriously,
we started having problems.
I think those guys are not ready to hear about us.
-Yes. Because we are ready to tell them. -Yes.
-And we are not scared. -Who is sacred?
-Are you scared? -Never.
-We are not avoiding this topic. -Not at all.
-Look at this. -Yes, show me.
It doesn't look good.
Fonts?
May I come in, sir?
Yes.
Sir, actually, I was slightly unwell.
That is why I couldn't attend a few classes.
Let me guess. You must be suffering from dementia?
Otherwise, you would have remembered that I have already refused twice.
Sir, I had jaundice.
Certificate.
Sir, my whole body had turned yellow. I was burning with a fever.
Cholera. Jaundice is a very deadly disease. You must be knowing about it.
All my friends had come to take care of me. I said no.
Go and attend your classes. They are important.
That got full attendance because of that, sir.
But I couldn't.
Ankit, I have been teaching for 20 years.
I can easily catch lies.
Here.
These guys too got fake certificates made like you.
And some of them even got these made by veterinarians.
Your father worked very hard
to save money and send it to you.
He must have walked from home to his office every day.
His feet must be hurting even now.
You are not fooling us. You are fooling yourself.
I don't know if I feel worse for myself or your dad.
Because I just have a student like you.
But he has a son like you.
If you are not studying, at least have some shame.
Go. Prepare for next year.
Sorry, sir.
Sir, what you said is right.
I wasted three years.
What should I have done?
The school pressure since childhood, then the college pressure.
When I would get home, both school and college pressure.
After coming to this hostel, for the first time in my entire life,
I felt free.
I started feeling good.
I enjoyed it a lot. I kept at it. I didn't stop.
I wasted all my time, sir.
It's easy, right? When you get power without responsibility, you misuse it.
I did that too.
But, sir, I will use it from now on.
There will be no slacking in my attendance and hard work now. Promise.
Please, sir, let me write my exams. Otherwise, I will get debarred.
And if I get debarred this time, I will get very derailed, sir.
You speak well.
I am signing to find out whether you are telling the truth or not.
Let's see.
Thank you, sir.
I told you, right? I have to be negative to make them behave.
But he is only behaving for now.
Because a dog's tail
and a building constructed without a soil sample are always crooked.
When he gets a job, he will waste time again.
The girlfriend shenanigans.
He won't even call his parents.
Hello. Yes, dad?
It's just been a week since we...
I was about to call you.
Hey.
Sorry about that day, sir. I won't do it again.
Please don't tell anyone my secret.
There are no secrets.
Everyone has their kinks.
Don't fear it. Accept it.
Take this. Next time, ask directly. Don't make excuses to get an assignment.
-Okay. -I won't give you the collection even then.
But at least I won't screw your happiness. Okay?
-Yes. -Focus on your studies.
-Thank you. -Go on.