[Lex] My fellow Legion members,
what we have in this briefcase
has the power to change the universe as we know it.
[Bane] Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Is it a thing that takes all the little crumbs at the bottom of a chip bag
and reforms them into full-sized chips again?
You think we'd call an all-hands-on-deck meeting for that?
I would hope so.
Behold...
the Anti-Life Equation.
[all gasping]
- [growls] - [Bane] Shiny golden light.
If I can figure out how to harness its power,
I can kill Superman.
- [all sighing] - [The Riddler] Ah, here we go again.
Lex, it's not happening. You're like watching
- a chihuahua try to fuck a couch. - [cackles]
It's not anything like that.
With this, I will destroy Superman.
News flash, it's Legion property,
so you need an approval.
[Black Manta] I vote we use it to kill Aquaman.
I vote that we use it to kill Wonder Woman.
[Bane] I hate to go back to the chip thing,
but have you ever tried dipping those little bit--
- No one gives a fuck about your chip thing. - [Bane whimpers]
The Justice League is going to be coming for this.
So let's hide it in the impenetrable vault until we can agree on a use.
I want round-the-clock patrols of the building by every flying LOD member.
- Where are our flying members? - [Bane] Uh, missing.
They were all invited to a "Flyers Only Kaffee Klatch"
and have not been seen since.
A "Flyers Only Kaffee Klatch"? Damn it.
This was probably a ruse by Superman
- to remove our overhead surveillance. - [all groaning]
We need eyes in the air ASAP.
[Black Manta] Who do we know that flies?
[rock music plays]
[man] ♪ Hell, yeah ♪
Oh, shit, shit, shit. Fuck me.
- [grunting] - [coins jingling]
- [Kite Man groaning] - [Spoiler grunting]
Can we just put the money back and be coolio?
- [grunts] Ooh! - [cell phone ringing]
The Riddler's planted a bomb downtown.
[Spoiler] Ugh! I'm stopping Kite Man and his goons from robbing a bank.
Who's Kite Man again?
[chuckles] Hey, you know me. I got a kite,
say, "Hell, yeah," do a solid Borat impression.
[imitates Borat] "Ah, my wife--"
[grunts] Ow!
Leave him to the cops.
- [grunts] Ooh. - [coins jingle]
All righty.
So, uh, anybody wanna grab a brewski on me?
Oh, this would have gone way better if Golden Glider was here.
Today is not my day.
[man] Golden Glider, today is your day.
[gasps] It is?
[man] Stacy has the shits. You're skating the lead.
[gasps] Gauntlet Gloria, today really is my day.
Okay, I'm opening with my signature move,
a pirouette into a triple axel, aka the Golden Sparkler--
Don't you mean the Golden Shower?
[coughing]
Everyone, shut up! The star has arrived.
But you're sick. What if you shit on the ice?
- What if the whole audience shits... - [Golden Glider groans]
- ...when they see you skate, Olden Glider? - [skaters laughing]
- Right? Don't trip. - [Golden Glider grunts]
[Stacy laughing] Awesome.
- [triumphant music playing] - [audience cheering]
Go get 'em, babe. Break legs.
See you at the bar. Drinks on me.
[audience whoops]
She stole my Golden Shower!
[gasps] Sprinklers! Ugh, shit!
That's it.
- [grunting] - [Stacy yelps]
[groaning]
[audience exclaiming]
[Stacy grunting]
[skaters grunting]
- Eat ice! - [Stacy grunting]
[screams]
[music fades]
- [audience booing] - Yeah, yeah. I know, I'm fired.
I'll see myself out. [chuckles]
This show sucks anyway.
[scoffs] Stupid no talent.
Calling me psycho? You're psycho!
[jazz music playing]
Babe, what happened to you?
[sighs] Oh, you know matinees.
[chuckles] How'd it go down at the bank?
Well, the good news is we all came back in one piece.
Oh, I beg to differ.
Except Steve.
He's bleeding out. Hey, Noonan, can you sew him up?
Got three guys ahead of him.
Truth is, babe, a teen girl kicked the crap out of us.
[scoffs] Oh, this freaking generation.
Yeah, I think the problem is we were inside a bank,
and I can't use my superpowers inside.
A kite's not a superpower.
Kids have kites, and I could kick the shit out of most kids.
- And Kite Man could kick the shit out of all kids. - Thanks, babe.
You don't need superpowers to be a supervillain. [giggles]
All's I know is, when I was a kid,
I'd sit in my room and I'd dream about being a supervillain.
My mom would knock on the door and say,
"Chuck, what are you doing in there?"
And I'd say, "Not masturbating."
And she'd say, "That feels like something a masturbator would say while masturbating."
And I'd be all like, "Mom! I... I will tell you when I'm masturbating--"
- Jesus fuck! Stop telling that nasty-ass story. - [snoring]
Yeah, I thought you were gonna 86 the "Mom catches me jacking it" shit.
Shut up!
Don't listen to them, Chuck. I like that story. [chuckles]
I don't. But you have the right to tell it
because you're a flying villain destined for greatness.
[Bane] I'm looking for a flying villain destined for greatness
to help out the Legion of Doom.
Babe, that's literally you.
[Bane] No way, Golden Glider.
Lex is still pissed from the last time you helped.
That one insane power of yours melted most of the cafeteria staff.
- Oh, come on. Those powers aren't my fault. - Hey.
She told Lex very clearly that she can't control her rather disturbing powers.
- Thanks, babe. - You're my world, babe.
Yeah. I still have to bring Lex a flying villain, so--
Oh, Kite Man can do it.
But he has no powers.
He's just got a kite.
Like a Victorian child in a sailor suit.
That is not true. Kindness is his superpower.
Noonan, when you were stabbed in the heart,
who brought you soup for three months?
FlashDash. But Kite Man delivered it.
[stammers] And Queen of Fables,
who found your severed head on the ground
and saved it in a glass jar?
Fuck if I know. I was dead.
It was Kite Man!
- And Moe and Joe-- - Kite Man.
Uh, I didn't say the thing yet.
And you don't have to.
Let's just say they were able to reattach it.
[both] Not all of it.
See? Case closed.
Your heart is your superpower, and anyone who doesn't see that
is a huge D-bag who's getting their ass kicked by me.
Well, I don't have a ass to kick.
Besides, heart ain't even a power.
[Bane] I enjoy the friendly banter here,
but I parked in a loading zone so...
Ugh, Kite Man it is.
- [cheers] - Hell, yeah.
Kite Man. Thank you for joining us.
You know, I'm a big fan.
Like you, I forged my way to success and started--
- Please shut the fuck up. - Roger that.
The Justice League is going to attack us at any moment.
Your job is to patrol the skies
and alert us if one of them attacks by air.
Hey, easy peasy mac and cheesy.
Do not fuck up.
Oh, good thing I only fuck down.
[triumphant music playing]
Hell, yeah!
Kite Man to base.
[loudly] KM to B.
Can you hear me? Over.
No need to shout.
[chuckles] Yeah, this equipment's pretty sensitive. Yeah.
Gus, oh, sorry.
[stammers] I just... I'm a... I'm a little nervous.
- This is a big opportunity. - Oh, well,
- you know what I tell my kindergartners? - [music fades]
Even a complex task is simple
if you do one right thing followed by another right thing.
You teach kindergarten?
Oh, yeah. I just goon on the side--
Oh, dear God! Everything here is on fire.
Gus? I'm... I'm coming for you. Over.
[grunting]
[groaning]
- Everybody back up! He needs to breathe. - [Kite Man groaning]
Give him space.
- [groaning] - [Golden Glider] Chuck, wake up!
[gasps] Are you okay?
- [Kite Man groans] - [body cracks]
Well, a little sore, but it's not too bad
considering I went toe to toe with the son of Krypton himself.
Um... Well, you didn't actually quite get to Superman.
You got knocked out
and then a crosswind blew your limp, unconscious body into some power lines.
Crosswinds, the, uh, Superman of weather patterns there.
[hesitates] But, uh, hey, did we at least...
Did we protect the... the thingamajig?
What... What is it? The, um...
[Lex] It's gone.
Lex, you came to check on me?
Hardly. I came here remotely to say
you are the worst "villain" I have ever witnessed.
How dare you say that, you shaved ball sack!
I got this, babe.
You know what, Lex?
- [back cracking] - Ow! Oh, my back.
- [groans] - Oh, oh, oh, babe.
- Babe? Babe? Oh, Jesus. - Yeah, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna stand up for myself lying down.
- And, ooh, there we go. - Hey.
- Gentle. Gentle. - [groaning]
- Is he still there? - Yeah.
You know what, Lex? I used to look up to you.
Now, you may have a bajillion dollars
and a fancy corporation and a private army--
- What a loser! - Uh...
Nope, hang on, babe. Didn't get to the bad stuff yet.
- 10-4, babe. - Here it comes.
You may have that stuff, but you know what you don't have?
Friends.
You'll never be able to walk into a place like this,
lie down on the floor,
and know that everyone around you loves you and cares about you.
So who's the real loser here?
Me or the guy with no friends
who, real talk, will never be able to kill Superman?
So, this dump is your sanctuary?
You're darn tootin'.
Mr. Noonan, I would like to buy your bar.
It's not for sale.
- How about ten million dollars? - Sold.
- What? - [all exclaiming]
Wonderful.
I'll have my people draw up the contract
and a wrecking crew here by the end of the week.
- [door closes] - Is everyone staring at me disapprovingly?
I... I can't get a good angle.
This is all that's left of our impenetrable vault.
[Bane] Toy Man, please tell me you purchased the extended warranty.
- Uh-oh. - [beeps]
[screams]
[Bane] Is... Is that a thing with every chair?
I am going to stand.
- [Bane grunting] - You know whose fault this is?
Kite Man's.
And you picked him, Bane.
[Bane] I think we should be supportive of each other.
- Would you give me some fucking space and take a seat? - [Bane whimpers]
- My point is-- - You're fired.
- [glass shatters] - [Bane yells] What happened to two weeks' notice?
What the dick, Noonan? You can't sell this bar.
Look, I don't want to sell it.
But I can't refuse ten million bucks.
[sighs] But this place freaking rules.
Chuck and I had our first date here.
- Who the hell is Chuck? - Kite Man.
Aw.
We had drinks at the bar. We played darts right over there.
Did hand stuff at the table right there. [giggles]
My drinking problem and subsequent divorce started on this very stool.
Yeah, the big supervillains are all sitting pretty in their lairs,
but this place is for the dregs, the goons, the henches.
A place for the rest of us.
A place you don't mind taking a nasty shit in.
I agree.
And not just because we share an anus.
Well, I'll tell you what.
It's not going anywhere.
You can do number two in this place as long as you want
'cause me and Glider are buying this bar.
Yeah, we are!
Wait, what? [chuckles]
Babe, this bar is 10 million dollars.
You can't put a price on the place you call home.
Uh, you absolutely can and it's 10 million dollars.
- Babe. - [chuckling] Babe.
- Babe. - Babe!
Babe.
Will you make me the happiest small business owner in the world
and buy this bar with me?
Is this bullshit working?
I don't even know what I'm watching anymore.
Oh, you crazy son of a mom!
This is the stupidest idea in the world,
and I can't wait to do it with you! [laughs]
- [all cheering] - Babe.
- [all applauding] - Aw, look at that.
Here comes the hand stuff they were talking about.
This is bullshit.
You don't have 10 million dollars.
We can get the money with the power of our love.
Like through a cam show or a...
Okay, not from a cam show.
But we'll find it.
And Sean, when we come up with 10 million dollars,
will you sell it to us instead of Lex?
Sure. But where are you gonna get that kind of moolah?
It's not gonna just fall out of the sky.
[Bane] Oh!
God damn you, Lex Luthor!
Aw, shit. I was hoping that was gonna be a sack filled with money.
[chuckles] And now, you got a ceiling to repair on top of the ten mil.
Kite Man and I will get you that money by the end of the week.
- You have a plan, right, babe? - Hell, yeah, I do.
'Cause I am a grown-ass man.
Daddy, I need to borrow 10 million dollars, please.
Absolutely not. Anything else?
I'm just waiting for the part where you tell me it's Opposite Day.
It is not Opposite Day.
Well, you don't even know what the loan is for.
Who is this woman?
I'm his girlfriend/business partner.
We've met several times.
I sent you a box of Omaha steaks for your birthday.
That's dumb.
Look, I got to where I am
because I recognize a bad investment when I see one.
You are that bad investment.
Nah, I'm not following.
Not really a money guy.
Let me be abundantly clear.
You have never accomplished anything in your life.
- I do not believe in you. - Well, then loan it to me.
No, because you're dumb enough to date Chuck.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get a vasectomy.
Good idea. In fact, make it a double vasectomy.
Come on, Chuck. Let's bounce.
- [Kiteman grunts] - [Golden Glider grunts]
- Can't believe my dad is being so stingy. - Oh, forget him.
There's got to be another way to get this money.
Oh, I know!
- Not Shark Tank. - Damn.
Ugh! Asking people for money is so humiliating.
That's it.
Babe, it's about to get a lot more humiliating.
Look, Chuck,
I realize that we spent your last dime on a wedding deposit
that you will never get back, and I--
Damn right he did.
No worries. It was all part of my journey.
However, I... I do not have 10 million dollars just a-lying around.
Eh, I find that hard to believe.
Babe.
It's true. We just bought a vacation property in Themyscira,
so we're second house poor.
Well, that's very relatable.
Not really, babe.
I think they're saying they don't--
- Oh. No, oh, okay. I get it. Wow. - [cat meows]
Well, this is mucho disappointing.
Hey, chin up, Kitey. You're a bad guy.
What do bad guys do?
Bad guys steal things from worse guys.
Oh, that is the worst... [gasps]
A really good idea I've ever heard.
Our target, Casa de Caucasion.
[Kite Man] An impermeable island stronghold on the Eastern Seaboard.
Also, there's usually some taffy in the cupboard above the fridge.
Are we robbing your fucking dad?
- Hell, yeah. - Damn skippy.
Sick.
- This place looks like a death trap. - Hell, yeah, big time.
My dad has a group of ex-Mossad agents
and power yoga instructors to protect his mans.
I would be remiss if I didn't warn you.
Not all of you will make it back in one piece.
I don't have any more fucking pieces to lose.
I am drunk and I am in. [burps]
All right. We need a distraction.
Ooh, I got a distraction.
And it involves a pirouette into a triple axel.
[doorbell rings]
Hit it.
[orchestral music playing]
Oh, my God!
She's skating the opening adagio
from the Generic Desert Apocalypse on Ice!
It's working. Let's go!
[bodyguard] Holy shit!
I've never seen a move so beautiful.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Who are they?
Those are my, uh...
[clears throat] Backup skaters.
[all cheer disjointedly]
Hang on.
The backup skaters don't come out until the end of act one.
We're being had!
[grunts]
- Time to wing it! - [Bane screams]
[all yelling]
[bodyguards grunting]
[screams] Oh!
[yells and groans]
Ooh, it's wet and it's gross. Oh, God.
[grunts]
- [grunts] - [screams]
[guns firing]
[both scream]
Oh, it's gross, and it's wet. It's warm. [grunts]
[both scream]
[both grunting]
[choking]
[both grunting]
- Wait, aren't you my kid's kindergarten teacher? - [man 1 screaming faintly]
[gasps] You're Mikey's dad. How fun!
- Did you get the note I sent home with him? - Yeah.
- [man 1 screaming faintly] - Sorry. I... I think
he's acting out 'cause I've been working so much.
- [Queen of Fables grunting] - [bodyguard 2 screaming]
You're welcome.
Well, I'm gonna have to block off some one-on-one time with Mikey.
[Kite Man grunting]
[bodyguards grunt]
Go in there and get the money.
I'll stay here and beat them off.
[laughs] Babe, you said beat--
- Not now, Chuck! [grunts] - [woman yells]
[bodyguards screaming]
[both groan]
[gasps]
Oh! [grunts]
[grunts]
- [gasps] - [Kite Man grunts]
[both grunting]
Babe, we need a miracle.
You have got to use your powers.
I can't. You know I can't control them when I use them.
- [man 3 screaming faintly] - Lisa! There is no other way.
Chuck, what if I kill you?
That's not gonna happen. I trust you.
Why do you think I want to buy a bar with you?
Hey, you's twos done having your aside so we can murder youse?
Unless we murder you like a razor cutting through garlic.
- [laughs] Right, Moe? - Let's find out.
- [groans] - [gasps]
[groans]
Joe!
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
No, no, no...
[groaning]
[shrieks]
[all scream]
Schwing! Never been turned on more than right now.
[screams]
[all screaming]
[groans]
Hell, yeah!
So that's the power.
- Hello, Charles. - Dad.
I've been waiting to give you these.
What's in them? Oh, oh... Is it centipedes?
It's centipedes, isn't it? Did you know that they sting you?
The bags are full of money, you idiot.
Ten million to be exact.
You're giving me the money?
This is the first time I've ever seen you stand up to me.
It makes me think maybe you're not a completely worthless piece of garbage.
I've waited my whole life for... [chuckles]
Well, I mean not... Not those words,
but I'll take it.
[somber music playing on recorder]
[Kite Man] We were victorious, but there was a cost.
I will now read the names of those who were killed in our pursuit of glory.
Scuzzy, Jimmy One Ball, Joey Three Balls, Kneecaps McGee,
Joe Dubelz.
Wait, what? Nah, nah, nah.
Joe's fine. He's just taking a nap.
And Bane, who I'll miss most of all.
[Bane sputtering] Who? Wait, what?
- No! - [coughs]
[Bane] I had to use the bathroom
back at your dad's house and I got lost.
Did you leave me for dead?
[stammers] Uh, well, yeah, well...
But the important thing is we have the money and we can buy the bar.
[all cheering]
Is that the briefcase you told us the Justice League stole?
And if it is?
That would mean Superman never took it.
Which means you were the one that tricked our flyers
into leaving the skies unprotected.
Except for Kite Man, a known idiot who would be your fall guy.
There's just one big flaw in your plan.
The Justice League will scour the universe for this thing.
And you don't have the means to protect it.
You only have to protect something if people know where it is.
It's on your desk.
Oh, I'll be moving it right after you're dead.
"Right after I'm..."
Shit.
In answer to your question,
I'll be hiding it in the last place anyone would think to look.
Kite Man and Golden Glider,
you are the proud owners of a bar
that's got four mortgages on it
as well as black mold inside every wall.
Lex, we won it fair and square.
I'm not here to kill you. I'm here to congratulate you.
So, are we friends now?
No, I'm friends with important people like Joker and Paul Simon.
Anyway, congrats on your new business venture.
Uh, Bane, let's go.
I am with them now. They treat me with respect.
Uh, usually.
Fine. You do you, Bane.
[Bane] I'm doing me! [mimicking gunshots]
I've done some whack-ass shit in my life.
But this... is the whack-assiest.
And I can't imagine doing it with anyone else.
Hell, yeah.
Babe, I got a feeling we're gonna make this bar...
[imitates Borat] ...a great success.
[imitates Borat] Ah, very nice.
[both moaning]
[Gus in normal voice] Oh, here comes the hand stuff.
[DeSaad] Lord Darkseid!
After ages of searching,
I have narrowed the location of the weapon to a small range of planets.
Excellent.
For it is Darkseid's destiny to harness the Anti-Life Equation.
The power to enslave the mind of every being in the universe. [laughs]
And undoubtedly, this priceless weapon is being held
in an impenetrable fortress,
under the protection of its sector's most supreme beings.
We must prepare for all-out war! [laughs evilly]
[choir] ♪ All out... ♪
[rock music playing]