[upbeat music playing]
Are you ready to meet the Sexiest Villain Alive?
Because Helen Villigan is ready to crown 'em.
The nominations are in for the eighth annual
- Villigans Sexiest Villain Alive awards! - [buzzer sounding]
[Bane] Ugh! Look at that.
They're treating villains like steaks.
These sexy awards shows are so reductive.
Ooh, the rumor mill is humming.
Who will be this year's winner? Will it be "the good"?
As in six-time SVA champ, Lex Luthor?
It's seven.
Just kidding, Lex. [chuckles] We know it's seven.
Or could it be "the bad"?
As in, Gotham's newest bad boy, Beast Mode.
Fuck, yeah! I'mma serve them up some Beast-a-la-Mode!
- [laughs] - [Laff trak laughing]
Laff Trak gets it. Shots!
Ooh, Glider. Your boyfriend's moving up in the world.
He is not my boyfriend.
What happened to you, Chuck?
Seems the last few days or so, he's been a little too cool for school.
He's insufferable. God, I hope he loses.
[Bane] Who cares?
It is a vapid, meaningless contest.
Or will it be "the ugly"?
Like this year's dark horse nominee, Bane!
[splutters] Holy shit! I'm nominated?
That's fucking amazing.
You guys really think I can win?
Not in that outfit.
And the winner will be unveiled tomorrow night at the Legion of Doom,
hosted by yours truly, presented by Villigans.
[theme music playing]
They name-checked Lex, Bane, and Beast Mode,
but what about Moe Dubelz?
I already got a nice tuxedo picked out for us.
I'm not going with you to the awards.
The fuck are you talking about?
If I'm going, you're obviously going with me.
I'm going with you, but not with you.
I have a date.
Uh-uh. Don't give me that look. We're not a thing.
At best, we're conjoined twins who fool around sometimes.
Oh, that's bullshit.
If you got a date, then I'm bringing one too.
- Fine. - Fine.
[Beast Mode laughing]
- Greetings, losers. - [woman yelps]
- [Glider] Ugh! - [Bane] Kite! Uh, Beast, uh, Man Mode.
Isn't it cool that we are both in the running for Sexiest Villain Alive?
[chuckles] Yeah. You may be in the running,
but everyone's gonna run from you,
'cause you look like a dummy. Whuppah!
[Laff Trak laughing]
- [Bane] Grumble, grumble. - You're literally just saying the word, "grumble."
- [Bane] Shuffles off angrily! - [laughs]
Listen, Chuck, we need to talk.
Yeah, we do.
Been rethinking our biz strat.
We can't keep catering to broke losers.
We need to attract Euro club kids with loose cash.
What? No, I own 50% of Noonan's.
We're not changing it!
No. You own 50% of Club Libido,
'cause I already changed it to that in my head.
Get out of here, douchebag!
- Now! - I'm rubber. You're glue.
Whatever you say, bounces off me and sticks to you.
- Whuppah! - [Glider yells]
[thudding]
- You're an asshole. - And you have a bloody nose.
- I do not have a bloody-- - [Beast Mode] Whuppah!
Oh! You fucking prick.
Oh, is that any way to talk to the Sexiest Villain Alive?
[chuckles] Smell you later!
- Sexiest Villain Alive? We'll see about that. - [dark music playing]
I mean, I thought "grumble," was a pretty good comeback.
- You come with me. - Hmm?
Where are we going?
To a town called, "Whole New You."
Population... You!
I hate Beast Mode.
What twisted ass-dick power did they give Chuck?
The pantsing, the "I'm rubber, you're glue"-ing,
the bloody nose.
That's a sure sign, Kite Man got the douchebag power.
Well, how do I get him back? I can't get through to him.
Then you better find someone who can.
If this goes on much longer, the Kite Man you know will be gone for good.
I think I know just the person.
Forget it. And be still, Reginald, you fatty.
Chuck spent his whole life trying to impress you.
God knows why.
I think maybe you can get him to give up this stupid power.
But to do that, I'd have to spend time with him. Pass.
Do it, and I'll personally guarantee
that Chuck won't call, text, or email you for a whole year.
Mmm. All right, soft accept. I'm in.
[groovy music playing]
[Bane] Ooh, sexy guy!
- Ooh! - First of all,
don't pretend to walk in slow motion.
It makes you look thirsty.
Remember, Bane.
You wear the suit, it doesn't wear you.
[Bane] But... I... I... I... Do I look good?
You look fantastic.
If I were a six, instead of a Miami nine, which is an Atlanta 11,
you'd be in trouble right now, mister.
[Bane chuckles] Okay.
- [man laughing] - [Beast Mode mock punching]
Nice baby.
Let me know if you need another one.
[all laughing]
Up top!
Hey, Man-Bat! I saw your last fight.
[Man-Bat screeching]
I've seen better kicks at Riverdance Junior.
- [all laughing] - [Man-Bat screeching]
- Oops! Two for flinching! - [screeches]
- [all laughing]
[Beast Mode] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I've seen enough.
Chuck!
I have never been more impressed.
My boy's an Alpha. Please tell me there's a spot on your entourage.
Are you kidding me, Darryl?
You're not a father.
You wouldn't understand the joy of seeing your firstborn
throw a stranger through a window just for fun.
- [chuckles] - Beast Pops gets it!
And for fuck's sake, call me Beast Pops.
You're pathetic.
So you finally wanna feast mode on some Beast Mode?
[Kite Man] Help me, Glider.
[Beast Mode] 'Cause let's just say there's enough for seconds.
[chuckles] I don't think so.
Wait, what did you just say?
I said, my dick's too big.
[Kite Man] Babe, please make this stop.
[Beast Mode] Oh! Trying to get a look at it? [laughs]
Oh, Chuck! I'll do anything to make it stop.
But how? Should we go to Etrigan?
- Uh, let's go right now. - [laughs] Oh, yeah. As if.
How about you go to hell--
[Kite Man] ...len Villigan.
She's the only one... Uh, Master Controller.
Her... Her office can change me back.
[Beast Mode] ...Side. Your backside.
Turn around. Let me check it out.
Hey, Beast Mode. Wanna hit up a titty bar?
I'm a walking titty bar, Dad.
Don't know what that means,
but I have never loved my son more.
- [Laff Trak] Aw! - To the titty bar!
Helen-fucking-Villigan!
Oye! You lot, listen!
Prepare yourselves,
for the Sexiest Villain Alive has arrived.
[Bane hissing]
Business, business, turn, yeah.
Strut, strut, strut, strut.
Business, business, turn, yeah.
- Vacation guy, sexy, oh! - Hmm, they're not responding
like he's the sexiest thing they've ever seen.
Something's missing.
Yeah, chicken nuggets!
We're out, Mal, and I'm kind of starving.
Just started at Villigan's and had a long day of deliveries.
I'm trying to help Bane be sexy.
Well, maybe, he'll be sexier holding a chicken nugget.
Worth a shot!
Fine.
Gus, I'm going to turn Beast Mode back into Kite Man.
I need the Master Controller from Helen Villigan's office.
- How do I get in? - Oh, that's easy.
Step one, be Helen Villigan.
[laughing]
Ow! [grunts] I'm sorry.
That... That one gets big yucks at the fulfillment center.
Yeah, only Helen can get into her office.
Hey, where are you going?
Oh, well, haven't you become quite the man about town.
[Beast Mode sniffs, coughs]
Yeah, and you know what's 'ronic?
I got this power to be good enough for Glider,
but now she's not even good enough for me.
Oh, that is 'ronic.
You know what's even more 'ronic?
I gave you the douchiest power in the universe
so I could steal the most powerful thing in the universe.
I don't think that tech fits the definish of 'ronic,
but whatevs.
So, what are you sellin', Helen?
Tonight, you will be crowned Sexiest Villain Alive.
- Fingers crossed. - No.
You will be the Sexiest Villain Alive tonight.
Maybe. And you could be a Minnesota six if you wore heels more.
Those flats are keeping the merchandise on the bottom shelf.
Look, dummy, I pick the winner and I picked you.
So tonight, during your acceptance speech,
you will unload on Lex Luthor.
- Face or stomach? - Oh, my God, you make this so hard.
I want Lex so furious at you that he won't notice
anything else going on in the room.
What if an elephant walks in?
He wouldn't notice.
- With clothes on and a bell on its tail? - [sighs]
- While he's distracted, I'm going to release... - [Beast Mode] Ay!
- ...tiny hummingbird robots that will find me... - [monitor whirring]
...a very special briefcase I've been looking for.
- [keypad clicking] - My infallible algorithm tells me, Lex stole it,
and it will be at the Legion of Doom tonight.
Hummingbirds are dumb. Here's a better idea.
- Leopards. - Leopards are too big.
Baby leopards then, real ones.
Just off the nippie of momma!
They need to be robots.
Fine, but leopards are very trainable.
- [rustling] - [trilling]
[gasps]
Good Lord!
What are the chances that something this extraordinary
has been hiding for who knows how long here?
This changes everything.
[Bane] This changes everything. What is in it?
Who gives a shit! Darling, it's what's on the outside that counts.
And this is the perfect accessory.
It was under the Chick-y Nuggets.
So, that's why the handle is cold.
Which is ironic because I have never been hotter.
[upbeat electronic music playing]
- [Bane] I've got it, yeah, yeah. - [woman squeals]
[Bane] He's got it.
- Looks good, Bane. - Damn, what a briefcase.
You look like a successful businessman.
- So, Baney. How do you feel? - [person cheering indistinctly]
[Bane] Like, uh, like, uh... Like the Sexiest Villain Alive!
Now just let me do the talking.
I'm so glad you agreed to see me on such short notice, Helen.
- [Helen] Hmm. - Mrs. Villigan.
I thought you left for the awards.
And now she's back. Is there a problem?
- [Helen] Mmm. - Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Villigan.
- Of course not. Please go right in. - [door lock buzzing]
[Clayface] Not since my King Lear at the Jewish Senior Center in Tallahassee
has an entrance been so divine.
[laughs]
My word.
The office where Villigan's original content was green-lit.
So, what computational trinket are we hunting?
Like I told you, we're looking for her Master Controller, Clayface.
- Found it! - That's a brush.
Hmm. Looks more like this. Oh!
Huh! Then this must be the associate controller.
[device trilling]
Oh, quick, quick, quick, quick. Turn back into Helen.
This thing requires a retinal scan.
Well, well, well. The future of security is now.
- [laughs] - Jesus Christ. I said "retinal scan."
Ah! Retinal scan.
Rectal scan's two-eyed cousin.
- [device trilling] - Damn it!
This is the only thing that can change Beast Mode back to Kite Man.
Why won't it scan your dumb eyes?
[laughs] Me.
Perhaps my attendance at yesterday's eclipse watchers meeting
yields a clue.
Pro tip! It is ill-advised to stare at the sun for 30consecutive minutes.
Unless you want your retinas as bald and chapped
as the ass of Sir Patrick Stewart.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I kid not! His ass is also bald.
But do not fret, Ms. Glider.
All you need are Ms. Villigan's real eyes.
[fanfare music playing]
[laughing] I feel sorry for all these unsexy dweebs.
Oh! There is something so sexy about a man with only one head on his body.
My head's not the only thing made of wood, cutie.
- Oh! The mouth on you. - [Toy Man laughing]
I gotta tell you, Insect Queen,
that thorax is turning my crank.
[chuckles] Aren't you just a big block of honey?
Really? You're gonna sweet-talk your egg-laying whore right in front of me.
Moe, you're gonna put up with this shit from your other head?
Which, by the way, your dating profile neglected to mention.
- You see what you caused? - Me? This is my fault?
You know what? If you don't want me around,
sayonara, motherfucker.
- [grunts] - [all gasp]
Whoa!
- Have fun with your six-legged freak. - [Toy Man gasps]
- Says the head on the plate. - Ladies!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. We're all here to have a good time.
How about me and Moe grab us some drinks, huh?
[Bane] I see you wondering, uh-huh.
Who is that fancy lad with his shiny silk suit?
Well, let me tell you, or rather,
- let me spell it to you. - [snaps fingers]
- Hit it, Malice. Can do. - [upbeat music playing]
♪ B-B-B "B" is For back off, ladies Plenty of me to go around ♪
♪ A-A-A "A" is for Aye ♪
♪ I said, "Back off, ladies" Seriously! ♪
♪ Didn't you hear me Say '"B"? ♪
♪ "N"! "N" is For not listening ♪
♪ I said, "back off" ♪
♪ Because I don't want you To rip the new suit You know? ♪
Uh...
♪ E-E "E" is for, uh, uh 'Mergency
♪ Yeah, yeah "E" is for 'mergency, yeah ♪
♪ As we are going to need to call 'mergency services ♪
♪ 'Cause these ladies just won't back off of me ♪
♪ Exclamation point ♪
And that spells?
[yells] Bane!
[cheering]
Well, well, well. This is some unexpected competish.
Forget Bane. Focus on Lex. When you win, attack him.
Draw attention. So no one notices my robot hummingbirds.
Still going with that, huh?
Beast Mode, we're doing shots!
More like the shots are doing me!
[laughs] How does he do it?
[both slurp, sigh]
Eight in a row. Wow!
[chuckles] So unexpected.
Uh, I need to thank, Tanya.
[chuckles] You shine my head, bright than--
Briefcase?
The Anti-Life Equation.
Hmm.
[clicks tongue] Mmm. Love Cabernet.
It has such great body.
Fuck you, bitch!
The only reason I don't have a body is because it got eaten by bugs.
- Probably your relatives. - Mmm, hell, no.
Because they know better than to eat a body before I had a taste.
So this thing with Moe, is it serious?
I'll let you know after I get him back to my hives.
So what? You take him to the hive, fuck him and then--
Preserve him in dried honey and eat him later?
Yes, please.
[Toy Man] Hello, lady.
- Hi. [chuckles] - Hope you're thirsty.
And here's some cannolis from the bar.
Ooh! You eat 'em, Moe.
[giggles] I like my men juicy and diabetic.
Well, then, I guess I'm just your type... Two.
- [both laughing] - Oh, I get it. I get it.
How about we go to my hive and I'll suck your brains out?
Check, please.
She means literally suck your brains out, dummy.
[sighs] That stupid man is gonna get himself killed.
- Toy Man, you got a car? - Kind of.
Bane, loved your cool song. You're looking very spiffy.
[Bane] Uh, don't get any ideas, Lex.
The briefcase is mine.
Why are you so protective of it?
I'm not a dummy. I know what it is.
- The perfect accessory. - The Anti-Life Equation.
Wait, wait. What was your thing?
Uh, nothing. I said "the perfect accessory."
No we spoke at the same time and said different things.
And now you are trying to cover.
Bane. Bane! Bane.
Why have we never talked like this?
Sexy buddy to buddy. [chuckles]
Say, how would you like a seat back at the big table,
The Legion of Doom?
There it is. Not happening, Lex.
I'm not dropping out.
And when I win, I'll start my own legion for only sexy people.
Eights and up.
But, like, real eights. Not Milwaukee eights. Ugh!
I'm thinking of calling it, The Legion of Damn!
[hisses] Ow!
- [fanfare music playing] - [crowd cheering]
[crowd applauding]
[music crescendoes, fades]
What does it mean to be sexy?
Some say sexy is an attitude. The dictionary says--
It better say, "Shut the fuck up, and announce the winner,
or you're going home in a hearse."
And this year's Sexiest Villain Alive is...
- Beast Mode! - [buzzer sounds]
Oh, yes, yes!
[Lex grunts]
- [Tawny grunts] - [Beast Mode growls]
Are you fucking kidding me?
Do they not see my banging new look?
This is bullshit.
Oh! All right.
Settle down. Wow!
Uh, first I just wanna say
there are no losers here tonight.
Except for Lex and Bane,
and the rest of you fuckers. Whuppah!
[villains growling]
- Oh, don't cry, Lex. - [glasses beep]
Oh, wait, are those tears...
- or just little pre-splooge. - [robot hummingbirds whirring]
Get it? 'Cause his head looks like a dick?
[Laff Trak laughing]
[Beast Mode] The sickest burns are the ones I call "splainers."
As in "splain to me why your head looks like a dick."
Who the fuck does he think he is?
Don't take the bait, Lex.
You'll just look like an asshole.
[Moe] You've got classy taste there, babe.
Thank you. [chuckles]
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I think I'll slip into an exoskeleton.
They're more comfortable.
So, listen.
Uh, if you don't have any plans Thursday,
- my sister and her husband-- - Shut up!
Too soon? I knew it.
- It's just I'm 33-- - [shushing]
- [Insect Queen trilling] - [Moe] Oh, baby.
Your antennas tickle. [chuckles]
Moe. Follow that creepy laughing.
[Moe] Whoa, baby. That's a lotta honey.
Moe, you dumb fuck. What the hell?
Stop! Change of plans.
[chuckles] Stupid bug.
You should've eaten my body when you had the chance.
Point is, Lex, no one loves you and you will die alone.
[laughs] That's actually a pretty good one.
What else? What else?
What other stuff about Lex fucking sucks?
Well, I know we wanted the award, Malice.
But perhaps the real treasure was
the friends we made along the way--
I can't even say it.
Yeah, I'm not friends with losers.
- Come on, Chessure. - [Chessure hisses]
[wings whirring]
[robot hummingbird beeps]
Lex Luthor?
- More like "Sex pooper." Am I right? - [all laughing]
Guards, seize Beast Mode.
Whuppah!
[screaming]
Whuppah!
[yells]
Whuppah!
[grunts, groans]
[Bane grunts]
Get... Get away from me, you stupid humblebirds.
This is my high fashion 'cessory.
Enough! Stop fucking around and get me Bane's briefcase.
Hey, Bane. Quick question.
Why are you hitting yourself? Whuppah!
[Bane grunting, yelping]
This briefcase has brought me nothing but despair!
[groaning]
[straining]
[Glider grunts]
[Chuck] Glider!
She wants me. [grunts]
Helen, I think it's time for your annual eye exam.
- Doctor? - [Clayface] Yes!
'Tis I. A board-certified optometrist.
Born poor to blind parents, he vowed one day to find a cure--
Just fucking get her to look at it.
You don't think I know what that is?
I'm not looking at it.
Give me the briefcase.
No, give me the briefcase.
Nobody gets it, until Helen uses this thing to bring Chuck back.
Give me the briefcase, Lisa. And I'll do what you want.
She lies, Lisa. Give me the briefcase.
Uh-oh... Oh, God. Don't make me--
Helen, Jesus Christ,
give her what she wants before she kills us all.
She won't do that,
- because it would kill her precious Kite Man. - [Beast Mode grunting]
[Bane] She can't control it.
If she gets too stressed out, she'll blow!
[sighs] Then allow me to de-stress her.
- Guards, initiate ASMR playlist. - [device beeps]
- [indistinct chittering] - Golden Glider.
The sound you barely hear is a hamster nibbling on a melon.
Something's different. I can--
[Lex] It will relax you against your will,
rendering your powers useless.
Well, this is new.
I don't know, Lex.
I'm feeling pretty relaxed and yet in total control.
- [thrilling music playing] - [Lex] Uh...
[Laff Trak laughing]
- [beam trilling] - [Laff Trak] Oh! Ow!
Aw!
Anyone else think this is funny?
[shots firing]
[guard 1 screams]
[thrilling music continues]
[guard 2 screaming]
[guards grunting]
[both screaming]
[Helen gasps, yelps]
Wait. Don't melt me. I'll look at the damn thing.
Now close your left eye, which is better?
- One or-- - Clayface!
We'll call it two.
[device trilling]
[Beast Mode grunting]
What the shit? Someone is in for a serious...
[Kite Man] Kiss on the lips for loving...
[Beast Mode] My huge dick...
And I... [stutters] I'm...
[Kite Man] ...going away forever!
Goodbye, Beast Mode.
- [glass shatters] - No!
Chuck, is that you?
Hell, yeah. Uh, what did I miss?
This... Muah!
And this...
And this!
[heroic music playing]
So does he still get the award?
[theme music playing]
♪ Hell, yeah! ♪