Excuse me, ma'am?
Ma'am?
Well, it happened.
I'm gonna hit a kid.
Would you like to support my baseball league
for underprivileged youth?
I don't see an underprivileged youth.
I see a young me trying to scam an old me.
Sir?
I'm sorry, I have diabetes.
And I'm not stupid.
Move it along.
It's not a scam!
My friends and I just want to place
to play baseball after school
so we're not hanging on the streets like rap people.
Kid, I started the candy scam.
I raised $500 for a homeless bowling league,
AKA pot.
Catch this, Mr. Baseball.
Not the face!
I think I know which team you play on,
and it ain't baseball.
(Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[cash register bell dings]
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
You still shopping on your phone for things you can't afford?
Who are you? Everyone in America?
I just add things to my cart without buying them.
Why not buy one Apple watch when I can not buy two?
It's called dry shopping.
So it's like dry humping, but you don't get anything?
I'm sorry, Max,
but tomorrow's the anniversary of when I lost my money
and my peaches-and-cream complexion.
Not my words; "Seventeen" magazine's.
I need a fantasy life.
I mean, I just thought you were over all that junk.
You thought I was "over" losing $5 billion
and my whole life?
Oh.
I guess I was just over you
talking about it all the time.
You need to let go of your past.
Pickup! Turkey burger...ish.
If you weren't so busy not buying a...
three-bedroom townhouse on the Upper East Side,
you would've noticed that Mr. Turkey Burger at table ten's
been checking out your buns.
He is not. He is?
[chuckles]
Get in there.
Sex is still free...
[clicks tongue]
For women.
Fine, I'll go over there,
but this better not be a prank,
like when you told me Bette Midler was at table three
and really wanted to meet me.
It was just some old Jewish lady,
and she was mean.
That was Bette Midler!
Here's your turkey burger.
My friend thinks you're flirting with me,
and you're obviously not,
so if you could just tell her you're not,
that'd be great.
[laughing] Okay.
I will tell her I am not flirting with you...
on one condition.
You go see a show with me tomorrow.
I feel tricked.
So...is that a yes?
I hope so,
because I already wrote down my number.
Um...yeah, sure.
I mean, if it's already written down,
I guess I have to go.
I can't believe I didn't notice he was flirting.
What's wrong with me?
Let me get my list.
Hi, everybody!
Good news!
Oleg and I are getting a surrogate
to carry our baby.
Yeah, doing it the other way was taking longer
than my stuttering uncle did to finish his s-s-s-sentence.
Sophie, I hope you're not thinking of me
to be your surrogate.
Just keep in mind,
you won't even let me carry your purse.
You think I'd hire a surrogate that's older than me?
Come on. No.
Max is helping me interview people
this week in my booth.
This is so exciting.
I wish I got to pick the person I grew inside.
My mom drank so much during her pregnancy,
I was born wearing a shirt that says,
"It's 5:00 somewhere."
*
[clears throat, coughs]
Can we all just admit vaping is smoking?
Anyway, I'm on the list for whatever this is.
Channing, Caroline.
There you are. The show's $20.
My date put me on the list.
I'm sure he paid for me.
He kind of pursued me pretty hard.
It is, again, a date.
Well, then you're dating a loser...
and you owe me 20 bucks.
What am I spending my last $20 on right now?
It's a storytelling show.
People telling their personal stories.
It's basically a fun way to find out
which one of your friends had a stepfather
that was so mean.
In lieu of cash, would you accept a tampon?
I have light, regular, super.
Everything you don't feel on your period.
[laughs]
There is nothing funny about my cramps.
I don't get out of bed three days a month.
I'll go call a friend.
*
So by now I was in high school.
But just when I thought I'd escaped my bullies,
I met the worst one yet: puberty.
Oh, god.
Thanks for bringing the $20, Max,
and sorry you had to spend another $20.
It figures, on the anniversary of my father stealing money,
I get ripped off by another guy.
Well, I'm getting that $40 back.
I spent more money tonight than I did in 2013.
It was a high school dance,
and Rachel Mooney, a popular girl,
pulled down my pants.
That's right.
I got dance-pantsed.
Oh, this guy just went from Tom Cruise
to Tom Snooze.
(Adam) In the end, what I learned
is that I'm the painter of my life,
and I can paint out what I don't want to see.
My brushes are mine.
My strokes are mine.
Guess what's not getting stroked tonight.
Old Adam's paintbrush.
[light applause]
That's got to be sarcastic applauding, right?
'Cause I feel like I heard, like, a question mark
at the end of the clap.
Thank you, Adam August.
That is the end of our show.
I'd like to thank all of our performers.
You live the stories that we live to hear.
Hey, Caroline.
I know, that was pretty real.
It was real long.
So where are we going for dinner?
Your treat, and she's coming.
Actually, I'm pretty spent emotionally.
Well, we're spent forty-dollars-ally.
It's just one of those nights where...
you leave it all on the stage.
You happen to leave a couple twenties up there?
Let--let me get something straight.
You gave all of yourself talking about a couple bullies?
That's not a rough life. You know that, right?
Well, I know I'm entitled to my truths
and how my truths make me feel.
Yeah, but it's not like you lost a billion dollars
and your father went to prison and you had to move in with me.
And I am a way bigger bully than Rachel Mooney.
Caroline has a rough story.
Again, we can't compare our truths.
I'm sorry, but did all that really happen to you?
You lost billions?
Five years ago today, in fact.
And with what I lost tonight, $5 billion, $40.
Well, have you ever considered
telling your story in a safe space?
You mean one of those locations where you can drop off a baby,
no questions asked?
N--no. No.
No, I mean here.
Telling your story here.
Hey, you know what?
I probably have some fans waiting for me outside,
so I will leave you be.
You're still here?
Thanks for the offer, but I'm not really a writer.
Or a person who would come here twice.
Plus, I'm trying to put my story behind me.
All right. Well, think about it.
It pays $50. Here's my card.
You work at Avis?
Oh, uh-- ooh.
That's my other job.
And remember, you have a story to tell.
And sometimes renting a car is actually cheaper
than a long-term lease, so...
I think you should totally do this.
To finally tell my story and give it closure?
Yeah, a little of that, but mostly the 50 bucks.
*
I'm here for the surrogacy interview.
Max, we got another baby mama.
Look at all these woman trying to get pregnant.
It's like NBA All-Star Weekend.
Here's my resume, and do you validate?
I've never been validated, so you're not getting validated.
But I am impressed you have a car,
so have a seat.
Max, I've been working on my life story for the show.
"As a little girl, I dreamt of being a princess.
"It wasn't until I lost everything that I realized...
that's what I'd already been."
What else you got?
Come on, Max, this is important.
I've never told the story about the day I lost my money,
so it's all very raw.
Okay, but just know,
sometimes things can be too raw,
like that chicken club sandwich that
buck-kaw'd at the table.
Looks like my appearance
on the Brooklyn Small Business podcast
really paid off!
These aren't customers, silly.
These are just women that will do literally anything for money.
Will any of them wait tables?
Han, can I go work in your office?
I just need to write my life story.
I promise I won't play with your Legos.
You mean those little plastic men
protecting his virginity?
Sophie, ready to meet the next potential surrogate?
Oh, well, the lady in stall two is out.
Yeah, I just heard her balls hit the water.
Where is Oleg?
Sorry, I was watching a YouTube video
on how to make spaghetti.
Boy, I was way off.
Uh, Sophie?
This is Claire.
You liked that her application was filled out in pink pen.
Do you mind if I sit down?
My back is killing me.
Yeah, well, your front is killing me.
I mean, what the hell?
I don't know if you're aware of this,
but your "No Vacancy" sign is flashing.
Yes, but once I give this gift
to a lovely same-sex couple in Tribeca,
I would love to carry your gift into the world.
I've been a surrogate 12 times.
What are you?
A baby PEZ dispenser?
What do you get after 12? A free sub?
Next!
Pregnant 12 times?
Must be like saloon doors down there.
I don't know.
Are you sure you can't spend more than $200 on this thing?
Because I feel like it's reflecting
in the pool of candidates.
*
Which one says, "Just because I'm at my bottom
doesn't mean I can't wear a nice top"?
Even your shirts talk too much.
Max can you be serious?
No, but you sure can.
I read your story, and it is supes serious,
so I took the liberty of putting some jokes in.
I mean, "Schindler's List" was depressing,
but at least there were still jokes.
You changed my life story?
You got mustard on my life story?
I added a few riffs and had a hot dog.
I think your story is really, really sad,
and it's gonna bum people out, and that's gonna bum you out,
and that's gonna bum me out.
Well, as I said to Mrs. Shearson,
who directed me in "Cabaret,"
I don't know how I could be much better,
but I'm open to your ideas.
All right, let me hear some of your funnies.
All right, first of all,
we're gonna sit Han in the front row,
and you're gonna say,
"I'm gonna keep this short, 'cause this guy did."
Hold for what I have to imagine is a five- to ten-minute laugh.
Okay, all through this first section,
you're driving right through Snoresville,
and then you take a slight right into Who-gives-a-crap-town.
The point is you're driving a 2016 Ford Bore-us.
All right, fine.
I'll put some of your jokes in.
Oh, but I don't want to attack Anne Hathaway.
Hasn't she been through enough?
*
And after it was all said and done,
I looked at my vagina...
And my vagina looked at me,
and we shared a knowing glance.
It was as if she was giving me permission to tell her story.
Thank you, vagina.
And thank you for listening.
[applause]
I never thought I could get tired
of hearing the word "vagina,"
and yet, here I am.
Hey, tips are kind of low, huh?
How'd you like to make $200, possibly $250, to have my baby?
What?
You carry stuff anyway.
Just as well.
I didn't want our baby to have that hair color.
Where's that waitress going?
I need a double.
A double what?
Double anything.
How's everyone doing out there?
Isn't this a wonderful way to spend a Friday night?
Hmm?
I'm up next.
On a scale of 9 to 10, how do I look?
You look beautiful,
so they're gonna be really surprised
when you have jokes.
And our next storyteller is here for the first time,
reading a tale so epic that it should be two tales.
And like the two-tailed Melusina,
a serpent of European folklore...
She is truly a beauty.
What in good God is that man talking about?
Please welcome Caroline Channing.
[applause, snaps]
As he said, my name is Caroline Channing.
That used to mean something special,
and I have learned through the past few years
that it still does.
My father was Martin Channing,
the most hated man in New York City.
Except for any Time Warner Cable guy...
You know what?
I don't need to look at this.
I know what happened.
I'll never forget it.
You don't forget the day that you lose yourself.
[groaning] Oh, boy.
She's off script.
She's gone rogue.
Where's that waitress?
Double his double!
*
As my driver drove down 5th Avenue
and up to my townhouse,
I saw there was a police car parked out front.
And at first, I thought, "Am I being arrested?"
Lip-synching to Ludacris at a stoplight!
But it was my father being arrested.
I saw my father in handcuffs.
There, in that instant,
I went from princess to pariah.
[scoffs]
Well, she threw away a perfectly good
"Pariah Carey" joke.
Shh!
Just looking out for my girl here.
(both) Shh!
My perfect world was shattered.
I saw the man who I trusted,
who I believed in more than anyone,
who read me bedtime stories
and taught me how to tie my shoes with bunny ears...
I saw my father in handcuffs.
He stole my trust,
my belief in people,
my innocence.
If she doesn't say "virginity," I am leaving.
He stole who I thought I was
and left me to find who I really am.
Thank you.
Nothing?
[scoffs]
We got to sneak her out the back door.
[applause]
You were so sad and triumphant
and...so...
[sobs]
Oh, here come the waterworks!
[sobbing]
Caroline,
I know you said you never would,
but you touched me.
That really tugged at my heartstrings...
or cables or wires
or whatever's in here keeping me alive.
[moaning] Caroline...
Oh, you know what you and I both need?
A hug. Yeah.
Oh...
It's nice, isn't it?
Caroline, that was great!
I'm so glad I inspired you with my awesome story.
You're still here?
[scoffs]
I'm sorry I didn't do your jokes, Max.
You know what?
You didn't need them!
I think people sometimes like to be sad.
That's why there's Adele.
I think I finally got closure.
It's gone, Max.
Love you.
Love your story.
Thanks.
I'm Nina Spiegel.
I found the whole thing riveting.
The ups, the downs, the way-downs.
Ugh, your story had it all.
She's not joining your threesome.
Sorry, that's usually what women want
when they compliment me.
Look, I'd like to talk about taking this to my studio.
You have your own studio apartment?
Let the wooing continue.
No, it's a film studio.
Warner Brothers.
The Tasmanian Devil Warner Brothers?
I think we can turn your story into a movie.
Really?
The Caroline Channing story
deserves to live on the big screen
for one to two weeks.
Then On Demand for eternity.
Oh, my God.
Max, isn't this exciting?
I know!
They have Speedy Gonzalez too!
*
I'm still on hold, Max.
I know Nina's important,
because her assistant has put me on hold six times
and muted me twice.
Muting you's an option?
Why wouldn't they put that in your manual?
Hi!
Oh, are you kidding?
I love waiting.
Sophie, here's your consolation gnocchi,
for not finding somebody to get gn-knocked up.
Oh, thanks, Oleg.
Well, at least I have you.
You know what, Sophie?
I'll be the surrogate,
but if my pregnancy boobs knock over a street lamp,
that's on your insurance.
That's real nice of you, Max,
but if there's anything that I learned from Caroline's story,
it's that you can't give up, even if you should.
Oh, so you're gonna keep trying?
No, we're gonna adopt,
and we will cherish this little baby,
even if it's not technically from us.
Yeah, Oleg's right.
I mean, half my hair's not from me,
but I love it just as much as if it were.
They are flying me to Hollywood!
They wan to bring me out first class
for a meet-and-greet.
But I told them no.
Are you crazy?
You can't pass up a meet-and-greet.
You can't pass up any kind of meat.
You're anemic.
I switched the tickets for two coach seats.
I want you to come with me!
Who needs to lie flat
when I can be squished between my best friend
and an obese rabbi in row 36?
We're going to Hollywood!
*