MIDGE: The one that got away.
The biggest heartache of my life was not
my husband and the father of my children leaving me,
it was never being able to truly land Manniford McClaine.
(group chuckling)
Yes, that was his real name,
and he was fabulous.
He was the captain of my high school football team.
He was the leader of the pack.
He had a jawline you could stab your sister with.
-(laughter) -He was so gorgeous that
after years of having my mother tell me,
"Your virtue is a garden, keep it watered,
but behind a fence,"
I bring him over for dinner, she takes one look at him,
and suddenly it's like, "You know what?
"It's not a high fence.
-"Just hop on over. -(laughter)
Here, step on my hands, I'll give you a boost."
-(laughter) -We almost went to prom together.
-ALL: Ooh! -As friends, but still.
Then his old girlfriend, Satan, moved back from Rhode Island
and they got back together, got married,
had four kids and bought a waterfront mansion
-in Oyster Bay. -ALL: Ooh!
Yes. And...
Hey, is there any more onion dip?
ALL: Shh!
Sorry.
(whispers): Is there any more onion dip?
-(laughter) -Continue, please.
Anyhow, the other day I picked up a newspaper
and there on the front page is a headline:
"Wall Street golden boy, Manniford McClaine,
caught with head of wife in trunk of car."
(all gasping)
That's right.
Manniford murdered his wife,
then drove around with her head for an hour
before getting caught. I couldn't believe it.
It-it had to be some other Manniford McClaine.
But there he was, in the paper, handcuffed,
being perp-walked into the station.
And I just thought, "My God...
he still looks fantastic."
-(laughter) -No, I mean it,
better looking than high school. I know,
my first thought should've been, "Dodged that bullet."
Instead it was, "I don't know, he's single, I'm single.
If he beats this thing..."
-(laughter) -Okay, I'm gonna stop talking now.
Harriet's brother is supposed to play something for us.
Tommy? Play me off!
(cheering and applause)
(piano playing)
Thank you. (laughs)
Oh. Thanks.
Onion dip.
â™ª â™ª
-â™ª Bye bye love â™ª -Yes!
â™ª Bye bye happiness... â™ª
Vivian, you're out of glasses.
Thanks for pointing out the painfully obvious, Frederick.
Stay vigilant!
I think I'm in love with Frederick.
Frederick? He's with Letty in toiletries.
Letty dumped him days ago.
I heard he was in love with Carroll in the back office.
-Who's she? -He.
How very Grecian.
That is a terrible rumor to spread.
These are getting heavy.
Counter.
Use plastic cups next time.
Pay for 'em and I'll use 'em.
Give me that. Were you raised by bears?
Thanks, Mary.
Coming through!
-â™ª Hello emptiness â™ª -Careful.
Watch it.
This is a balance issue, people.
â™ª Bye bye, my love, good-bye-eye â™ª
â™ª Bye bye, my love, good-bye-eye. â™ª
Well done.
(cheering and laughter)
(in German accent): Oh, I'm so Dasen-offen-upsetten-gruber.
-(man shushes) -I'm sorry?
Fraulein, please help me. I'm so lost.
-I'm looking for the Reichstag. -The Reichstag?
You don't know this famous German building?
Gaudy, very big, and no elevator?
Oy, those steps will leave you uber-pooped! Ha.
-(laughter) -MIDGE: You look very familiar to me.
-Do I know you? -No, no, I just have one of those punims.
-(laughter) -What's your name?
My name, well, it's Ay-Rolf--
that's the first name--
"Jawohl," that's it.
-Not very common. -Ay-Rolf.
Uh, and your last name?
Hitler... burg.
-(laughter) -MIDGE: Well,
I've got to tell you, Mr. Ay-Rolf Hitlerburg,
you're a pretty long way from the Reichstag.
Well, that bitch Himmler sent me off completely unprepared.
Did I say "Himmler"?
I meant "Himmlerstein."
Well, what were his directions?
He said to take a left, and another left,
-and then the Third Reich. -"Right."
That's what I said: "Third Reich."
-"Right." -Glad you agree.
-(laughter) -MIDGE: Well,
you are a long way from the fatherland.
Was is das?
Your German vocabulary's quite impressive, by the way.
-Danke. -You are in New York City.
New York City, interesting.
Any place you can recommend for a quick bite to eat?
I'm feeling a bit peckish.
Oh, well, there's an excellent deli around the corner.
-Yeah, deli's not really my thing. -(laughter)
Okay, what do you like?
Whatever's fascist. Fastest!
Oy, what a day this has been.
(laughter)
-(doorbell buzzes) -Pizza's here! Everybody pay up!
(applause, Midge laughs)
So, I'm not really Ay-Rolf Hitlerburg.
Well, you had me fooled.
I'm Randall, Vivian's fifth favorite cousin.
Midge, Vivian's 34th best friend.
VIVIAN: My what?
Nothing.
-Couple of comedians. -Are you?
-Am I what? -A comedian?
Oh, bad sign if you can't tell.
-No, you're hysterical. -I'll take your pity.
Yes, I've been at it a while. Almost made my living from it.
Got an agent, got a manager, toured, did a little TV.
(scoffs) In fact, I got to go.
-I got a set downtown in a half hour. -Oh.
Crappy time slot, but, oh, well.
-You ever try a brisket? -A brisket?
Personal joke.
See you again.
And don't be funny without me.
(chuckles)
You can't have Randall, I'm in love with him.
He's your cousin, Vivian.
Twice removed.
Let's talk, sweetie.
â™ª â™ª
â™ª I'm strictly a female female â™ª
â™ª And my future I hope will be â™ª
â™ª In the home of a brave â™ª
â™ª And free male â™ª
â™ª Who'll enjoy being a guy â™ª
â™ª Having a girl... â™ª
Hey, Jack Webb. Do I look like someone who would use anything
you sell in this store?
Follow the men shopping for their mistresses.
It's bound to be more fun.
MIDGE: This is a personal favorite.
But this one's a little bit more dramatic.
You let me know if anything speaks to you.
WOMAN: Oh, I don't know.
I've never worn much makeup before.
This was my daughter's idea.
Blue would be a wonderful color on you.
I don't know.
-Which one is that again? -Mermaid Ice.
Would you like to try it on?
-I don't know. -Here.
My daughter said I should try more.
She says I should live a little before it's all over.
Before what's all over?
My life. She said it's a failure.
I don't participate; that's why my husband won't talk to me.
She's been very outspoken since she went to Radcliffe.
-(Susie sighs) -There.
What do you think?
I don't know.
Excuse me, is that Mermaid Ice?
I'm sorry, I'm in a big hurry. My man's coming over
and I am all out of my Mermaid Ice eye shadow.
And if I am not wearing that when he gets home,
all hell breaks loose.
-Really? -You kidding?
I couldn't get him to give me the time of day,
much less give me the, you know, time of day.
And then I came in here--
-you remember when I came in here? -I do.
You came in here and we talked about...
I told you my life was crap, you sold me the Mermaid Ice,
and now my life is a fat, fuzzy peach.
I mean, I-I'm going broke 'cause this stuff costs a fortune,
but, man, is it worth it.
-Well, my goodness. -Yeah.
If it worked for you...
I'll take two.
Wonderful.
You will not be sorry.
Margo, would you mind ringing up Mrs. Winters
while I help my return customer over here?
MARGO: Hello, I can help you right here.
Well, well, well.
Just call me the closer.
I'm a little surprised to see you.
Well, it's been a while and last time we...
words were said and...
So, you're sorry?
-Sure. -Good.
It's behind us.
So, this is where you hang out now?
Well, you know I never like to be
more than three feet from a lipstick.
-I do. -It's a good job. The girls are really nice.
And there's a vending machine in the employee break room
that's broken, so if you hit it just right, free Abba-Zabas.
-Mm, you are living the dream. -Sorry to interrupt.
Midge, my parents are making me throw them
a 25th anniversary party Friday.
-Friday? Short notice. -I know.
And I have no idea what people of their age do at parties.
My mom keeps saying the word canapÃ©s.
Is that an old people's dance?
It's a type of hors d'oeuvre.
You always know everything, so any tips would help.
Hire help.
-And get chairs, lots of chairs. -Right.
Old people sit.
MIDGE: And invite some of your friends
for a little moral support.
Who the hell would want to come to something like this?
I'll come.
You will?
Oh, my God, I love you.
I love her.
Ha.
-Booked a gig. -I'm sorry, what?
It's just this thing that I've been doing lately.
I've been working the party circuit.
Which means...?
I go to parties and I talk.
-As opposed to...? -People like to hear me talk.
And so far, it's been young parties, Viv's age.
I haven't really worked an older crowd yet,
so this is a perfect opportunity.
I'll-I'll have to adjust a few of my references,
but you have to be able to read an audience, right?
Uh-huh.
Uh, hey, are there large quantities of narcotics
in these Abba-Zabas of yours?
I can't explain. I...
Just-just come and you'll see. Friday.
-Oh, I can't. I have plans. -What plans?
Uh, to not be bored or miserable at some old fuck's party.
Come. You'll-you'll watch, you'll see, you'll understand.
I'll-I'll call you with the address.
Wear something... clean.
ABE: All right, everybody.
Time's up.
Put your papers on my desk
if they contain the correct answers,
otherwise, just don't.
-Abe. -Oh, hello, Irving.
What's up?
I want you to meet Charles Connelly,
Executive Recruiter from Bell Labs.
Bell Labs.
You got time to talk?
Uh, sure.
We're calling it Project Echo, Abe.
A quantum leap in satellite technology.
The commercial ramifications of this could be huge.
Not to mention its defense capabilities.
IRVING: It would revolutionize the communications industry.
CHARLES: And Bell Labs is leading the pack.
Abe, we're gathering the best and the brightest
to help us get there first.
-May I stop you there? -CHARLES: Of course.
I want no part of Sputnik panic.
This smacks of that.
There's no panic, Abe.
We're doing this right.
We never rush R&D.
Your colleague, Bill Chernik...
Bill and Abe have known each other a long time.
Bill Chernik's a good man.
CHARLES: He's been consulting with us for a while.
Ask him about us. You'll like what you hear.
There's no way this could work.
My class load is so full.
We can help with that. Take things off your plate.
No, I'm loath to do that.
CHARLES: We'll work around your schedule.
An applied mathematician of your skills
is in high demand these days.
-We need you. -(chuckles)
I told you he'd be a tough sell.
Which makes us want you more.
Pending a security clearance,
Bell Labs is at your beck and call.
I need to get home.
Let me walk with you.
-(bell tolls) -Please think it over.
Take some time. And call with any questions.
-I doubt I'll have any. -Call anyhow.
I'll give you the pitch all over again.
And thanks for your time.
See you Monday, Abe.
We're going out to dinner!
ROSE: Abe?
Rose, Rose, get in here.
We are going out to dinner.
Ruby Foo's, Le Pavillon, name it.
Abe, slow down. Why are we going out to dinner?
Bell Labs, Rose.
I got an offer to work at Bell Labs.
-What? -Bell Labs down in the village!
Oh, my God, Abe!
-(laughing) -Oh, oh.
You should have seen me with that recruiter.
I played it so cool.
I kind of nodded like this,
was shaking my head a little bit.
Very serious, very dubious.
-Oh, you can look extremely dubious. -(laughs)
And he was eating out of the palm of my hand.
This is the big leagues, Rose.
This... this is the hotbed of invention.
That TV that you all like so much,
-courtesy of Bell Labs transistor work. -No.
-ETHAN: Grandpa, I was watching that. -Oh.
Bardeen and Brattain and Shockley won a Nobel for that.
And now I am in their ranks.
Where are we going for dinner?
What about a dinner?
We're going out. The whole family.
Call Noah and Astrid.
He's got an offer from Bell Labs.
-Wow, Papa, congratulations. -(laughs)
Thank you very much.
You've been obsessing on Bell Labs
-for, like, 20 years now. -Mm-hmm.
I haven't been obsessing on them.
My whole childhood, it was Bell Labs this and Bell Labs that,
and, "My God, I'd give up pastrami
for a job at Bell Labs."
(laughs) I may have mentioned them.
A-And once a year, we'd tour the building? The outside,
-because we weren't allowed in. -You kids would play
on the sidewalk while your father would jump up and down,
-and try and peek in the windows. -Yes.
That may have happened once or twice.
-(chuckles) -Is that my blouse?
-Uh, yes, but it's not quite right. -For what?
Okay, I-I'm talking about very important things here,
and you're talking about clothes.
I have to get dressed. Congratulations, Papa.
How often do I get a job at Bell Labs
and no one wants to celebrate with me?
Oh, Abe, my love, we will find the perfect night to celebrate.
With Noah and Astrid?
Uh, they will be there.
I mean, it's Bell Labs.
And we, we are all so very proud of you.
Mama, where's your green dress?
At the cleaners.
(whispers): Oh, shoot.
I'm never sure about me and peach.
Hmm. I am.
Here.
The Dior?
Oh, that's perfect.
-So, you're going to another party. -Hmm?
That's the fourth one this week, isn't it?
Four this week, three last week.
Which, of course, means they've already seen
everything in my closet.
Enter yours.
So, are these friends of yours and Joel's?
No. New friends.
-Girls from work. -Hmm.
What do you think?
Lovely, understated.
-Understated? -Mm-hmm.
-Next. -You don't want to be understated?
MIDGE: I need to stand out.
ROSE: Well, you always stand out.
I need to stand out in a very specific way.
Well, you could wear nothing.
That would get some sort of attention.
Don't I know it.
Now, tell me about--
not until my funeral.
So tell me, are there men at these, uh, parties?
They aren't nun parties, Mama.
Well, you know, a girl standing alone at a party
-says just one thing. -What's that?
-I'm prey. Hunt me. -Perfect.
-Miriam. -No, seriously,
I was looking for a catchphrase. That's it.
You should wait to go to these parties.
It's too soon.
I'll add some gloves to this.
That should give it some zazz.
-Miriam... -Thanks for the dress, Mama.
ROSE: Oh...
What are you doing here?
What am I...?
Y-You invited me to this stupid party.
No, I mean on the elevator.
You're not leaving, are you?
No, I've been riding this thing up and down for an hour
waiting for you to float in here
on your golden fucking Icarus horse.
You got a pretty loose concept of time, lady.
Cabs were scarce.
Well, are you waiting for an engraved invitation?
Get in here.
Got to know the building pretty well.
Old guy on six has cancer.
Oh, that's terrible.
I inspired him to reach out to his daughter.
They've been on the outs since she divorced.
She's here now, cooking for him.
That's nice.
Oh, you hear that?
Couple on the fourth floor, they've been fighting
for a full half hour.
He pinched some girl's ass, she saw.
May have been the cancer guy's daughter.
Oh, I hope she did nothing to encourage that.
(elevator bell dings)
You look nice, by the way.
Thanks.
Clean shirt?
Uh, define "clean."
(indistinct chatter, soft music playing)
Okay, this is the worst party I've ever been to.
We just walked in the door.
Let's go get a hot dog or something.
No, no, no, stay.
-Midge, hi. -Hi, Mary.
This is my friend, Susie. Susie, Mary.
Hi, Susie, come on in. Meet the others.
Eh, I feel like I got it.
I'll see you inside, Mary.
Nice meeting you.
-What a drip. -You're the drip.
Come on, get with the program here.
Why would anyone in their right mind go to parties?
I mean, just buy some Sno Balls and a beer,
and take the subway at rush hour, same fucking thing.
I-I'm sorry, I just don't get it.
Midge, I think I'm in love.
-Not again. -Come see him, tell me if I'm crazy.
He's my dad's boss.
He's 70.
And deaf and married, but keep an open mind.
That's my cue.
Huh?
(applause)
Wait a minute.
I get it. I get it.
Mary? I get it.
MIDGE: Wow, your silver anniversary.
Your husband looks thrilled.
Maybe we do need a better motivator for men
to get them to care about the silver anniversary.
Because what man really cares about silver?
Maybe 25 years is the Yankees season tickets anniversary.
-(laughter) -Yeah!
Yeah, and then to get them to 50,
we need something really good.
Maybe it's the "another woman's boobs" anniversary.
-(laughter) -Mm-hmm.
Me, personally, I-I was never great at gift-giving.
Maybe it's because I never got to celebrate Christmas.
-I got Hanukkah. -(soft laughter)
Doesn't exactly prepare you the same way.
For Christmas, a gentile would get a bike
as a reminder that their parents love them.
For Hanukkah, we would get socks
as a reminder that we were persecuted.
(laughter)
Hey. You look happy.
As a clam.
I ate all the clams, by the way.
See? Parties aren't so bad.
Hmm. I'm just trying to figure out the best way
to hide a lobster under my hat.
-So, did you catch my set? -Your what?
Just now. You hear all the laughs I got?
Yeah, I heard the laughs.
Pretty funny, right?
You're a funny woman.
Could you pass the asparagus?
I did a version of the Hanukkah run a couple weeks ago,
but I've honed it a lot since then.
Yeah, that was some top-notch honing, there.
RANDALL: Darling? Darling, over here!
Uh, yes, dear?
RANDALL: Come over here by the window.
You're gonna want to see this.
-MAN: Shh. -What am I looking at?
Well, nothing, silly, the curtains are closed.
I'm incorrigible.
Let's open the curtains here.
There, see?
It's the neighbors across the way again.
The wife just got home.
She's taking off her coat,
and here comes her husband to say hello,
-and-- oh! -(gasps)
Did you see that?
-He fell hard. -(laughter)
What the heck did he slip on?
Whatever it is, he's picking it up.
It looks like a towel-- nope, it's the cat.
-He slipped on the cat? -MIDGE: And he is angry.
RANDALL: The cat or the man?
MIDGE: Well, they're both pretty verklempt.
Oh, you're Jewish. I never knew that.
20 years of marriage and we're still learning things
-about each other. -I like that about us.
RANDALL: He's struggling with the cat...
-The cat knocked his toupee off! -MIDGE: The cat did him a favor.
RANDALL: And he's thrown the cat out the window.
-MIDGE: Oh, my God! -(laughter)
MAN (on TV): And the car had to have
a fancy garage and a fancy mansion to go with it.
WOMAN (on TV): But I didn't expect you to get the money
-this month. -MAN: He wouldn't care where I get it from!
(woman continues speaking indistinctly on TV)
I told you to get it and get out of that.
ROSE: Poor Virginia.
Peter never listens to her, now look at the mess he's in.
Men only hear men... and bartenders.
She really thinks getting angry will work?
Why don't these writers just give her a boyfriend, or a gun?
-My God. So hostile today. -I'm sorry.
I'm just a wreck right now.
-Everything's falling apart. -Hold it.
MAN (on TV): What's the best way to reduce?
-Commercial. -Eat plenty? Or starve yourself?
A half-empty...
Okay.
Miriam stopped wearing her wedding ring.
Oh, we're gonna need the ball.
And Joel moved in with that girlfriend.
-DRINA: The secretary. -ROSE: The home-wrecker.
Like Sasha from Edge of Night,
always spreading it around.
She's a nothing. I know it won't last.
If the secretary were just out of the picture,
Joel would come back.
You want her out of the picture?
I have cousins. They have skills.
-I'm sorry? -Nothing.
I'm looking at the ball.
I see a new man walking toward Miriam.
Oh, my God, no.
But he walked right past. Yes, he's gone.
-Feel better? -It doesn't matter.
There'll be another man and another
and another; she's on the prowl.
Every night she gets all dolled up and goes to these parties.
Like she's given up on Joel and is trolling for husbands.
She doesn't understand.
Being a divorcÃ©e is terrible, yes,
but being on your second marriage is...
-Worse. -So much worse.
Second marriage says failure.
At least divorcÃ©e sounds continental.
It'd be better if Joel had died, then she'd be a widow.
At least there's dignity in that.
You want Joel to die?
Again, with the cousins.
-I don't understand. -Okay, I give up.
I see an open path for Miriam.
She will find her way. I promise.
Tell you what, I'll make a tonic.
Pour it in her soup, it will help the luck stick.
-Thank you, Drina. -You still look worried.
-(sighs) -I have the perfect thing.
A distraction.
â™ª â™ª
Shh, shh.
I think you'll love the color, Mrs. Maracek. See you again.
And what color would you recommend
for my unique complexion, Miss?
Pasty? I'd recommend Spackle.
-And a putty knife. -I'll pass.
-So what are you doing here? -I have a proposition.
Oh, blessed day.
The ring department's on the third floor.
Remember the four "C"s.
A business proposition.
But not here.
You have time later today?
I'm off in an hour.
-Can you meet me at the Stage Deli? -Sure.
Great.
Point me to the shoplifting department?
-Second floor, south side. -Oh.
-Excellent service. -Oh.
(indistinct chatter)
Oh. Hello there.
Midge, this is my karate instructor, Lew Fogelman.
I'm Randall's agent.
He's with William Morris, so look impressed.
I am impressed.
Midge Maisel.
I've heard good things.
-I like you already. -(chuckles)
We're sitting now.
So... my boy told me he was having a bite with you,
and I was in the neighborhood.
Hope you don't mind my stopping by.
The Stage Deli is open to all.
He's headed toward great things, this one.
-Just not in entertainment. -Oh, will you shut up?
You're annoying us both.
I'm winningly self-deprecating.
It says so right there on the new resumes
-you made me pony up for. -Anyhow, he mentioned
that the two of you have been teaming up lately,
which I find very interesting.
-Teaming up? -Just at parties.
Just for fun. However,
have you ever thought about doing it professionally?
-I-I don't understand. -Sometimes a charming, funny guy
with a cute, dizzy broad on his arm is a good sell.
-And I'm the dizzy broad? -Fine.
I'll be the dizzy broad and you be the charming, funny guy.
MIDGE: Perfect.
So you want to do an act... with me?
They're always looking for duos like us
for commercials, radio, industrials.
Company events-- you tell a few jokes,
you mention the product a bunch of times,
you look pretty.
You can make decent money at this.
-Seriously? -RANDALL: We'd be a booker's dream.
Who knows, we may be the next Nichols and May.
-You don't know Nichols and May? -Should I?
The next time they're in town, you're going.
-We're going. -LEW: Speaking of going,
I'll leave the two of you to talk more.
Food's on me; keep it under a thousand bucks.
It's been a pleasure.
I'll send ten percent of my matzo balls to you, Lew.
And I'll take it.
He's picking up our tab.
Excellent.
Next time, let's meet in the shoe department at Saks.
VONNIE: I don't care what your fucking title is.
-It's house manager. -Your dirtbag friends come in
and sit in my section, they got to order.
They don't got to order, they're guests of the house manager.
Then sit them in another section.
There's only one section, your section.
I fucking quit, Susie.
I'm heartbroken.
(phone ringing)
-Gaslight. -MIDGE: Hey, it's Midge.
I left a bunch of messages for you with Jackie.
-Did he give them to you? -Hang on.
Jackie, did you have messages from Midge for me?
-Possibly. -Asshole. -Asshole.
You can't just throw in a random off-topic "asshole."
An asshole has to be motivated.
You breathe. It's motivated.
Hey, you guys have got to get a divorce.
I mean it.
What was your message?
I was just calling to touch base.
You left early the other night.
-Well, they ran out of butter. -MIDGE: Butter. Okay.
Uh, well, we should get together again.
-Soon, okay? -SUSIE: Yeah, sure.
Hey, what was the deal with you and that guy?
-What guy? You mean Randall? -I guess.
We've been doing these bits together at parties for a while.
-They're a big hit. -What, does he think
-he's funny or something? -He is funny.
-You're kidding. -No. He's a professional comedian.
He was even thinking we could get some work doing industrials.
-Industrials? -Yeah.
What, you're gonna spin around on a platform hawking Buicks?
What's wrong with that? Buicks are very fine automobiles.
Miriam, he just sold you some line
'cause he wants to get in your pants.
He does not want to get in my pants.
-He wants to fuck you. -He wants me to work with him..
He says we'll be like Nichols and May.
Nichols and May don't fuck.
Nichols and May totally fuck.
-That's not what he says. -I walked in on them once
in the bathroom here-- even their fucking was hilarious.
Now you're just being coarse and crude.
Randall is totally legit.
I met his agent and everything.
You-you met his agent?
At the Stage Deli.
Uh, Lew something, from William Morris.
Nice guy. Bought us lunch.
Susie, toilet's broken again.
You might want to send the house manager to manage it.
You did that on purpose.
Look, I got to go.
Good luck with the Buicks.
I can't find my cuff links.
Did you check your cuffs, Papa?
These are my Gimbels' cuff links, my everyday cuff links.
-I need my Finchley cuff links. -Abe, you look fabulous
-without them. Oh... -It's a Finchley night.
I'm gonna check the kids' room.
The kids do not have your Finchley cuff links.
I had cuff links, your kids moved in,
-I don't have cuff links. -Mm.
Draw a conclusion.
Shalom! It's Astrid!
-Come on in, Astrid. -Oh, hi! (giggles)
Hello, you.
-Mwah! -Where's Noah?
Astrid, please let me stop the car
-before you get out. -I'm sorry.
-We discussed this. -I couldn't help it.
I-I got presents from our trip to Israel.
Where are Esther and Ethan? Where are my little pishers?
Oh, they're already at the babysitter's.
-Oh, no. -Don't worry, she tends to bring them back.
-No cuff links. -Oh, you're looking very handsome, Abe.
I might as well be naked.
That's an image we're all happy to have.
Pop, I got my hands on the Bell Labs schematics
from a friend-- lots of info, tons of specs.
Study. Now.
He walks right past his mother?
-Sorry, Ma. Good to see you. Mwah. Mwah. -Mwah.
Midget, good to see you, too.
Eh. You I could take or leave.
Really, Astrid, my arms are getting tired.
-Please put those down. -It's just that your apartment's
so beautiful, and I know you like everything
in a certain way, so maybe Noah can just take them
back to the car until the kids get home, or...
-Give this to me. -Oh, thank you.
What's in the bag?
Gefilte fish.
-My next guess. -I tried a new recipe.
You'll be very happy-- there are no onions in this one, Rose.
"Happy" doesn't quite describe it.
-I'll take it, ma'am. -Thank you, Zelda.
-You know where to... -Yes, I do.
(sighs): Here. This is for you.
Honestly, Astrid, you don't have to bring us gifts
every time you go to Israel.
-I... -What was this, your sixth, seventh trip?
-11th. (giggles) -MIDGE: Oh.
Can't get enough of the Holy Land.
(Abe and Noah talking in distance)
-What a beautiful mezuzah. -(Astrid laughs)
I'd never seen one that big before. (laughs)
It looks like it ate all the other mezuzahs.
Is that bad?
-Oh. No. -I could return it.
-To Israel? -Rose, Bell Labs has two cafeterias.
Different cuisines in each one.
I can choose. I get to choose.
I better start easing them out,
or they'll lose all interest in dinner.
I brought you a gift, too.
Is it another giant mezuzah?
Oh, it is such a stupid gift.
-Astrid, no. -No, Rose has a mezuzah.
You have a mezuzah. It's not shoes--
you can't just change them out every season.
No, but if we ever move to a very big house...
Oh, I just wish Rose liked me.
She likes you very much. She loves you, Astrid.
-I make her nervous. -Breathing makes her nervous.
I thought that converting would help.
I know that it's hard having an outsider in your family.
You are not an outsider.
-Mm-mm. I heard comments at our wedding. -No one commented.
"What's up with the shiksa Noah married?"
-Aunt Gertie, once. -I'm an outsider. I'm barren.
Astrid, you're young.
No, I'm not. I'm 30.
We're seeing the fertility doctor again tomorrow.
He's one of the pioneers in cervical cap inseminations.
Well, everyone looks good in a cap.
I'm almost too afraid to go.
I mean, what if it doesn't work this time?
What methods did you and Joel use to get pregnant?
Well... sex.
Yeah, that seems to work for most people.
Oh, honey...
Seven years of trying. I mean,
(whispers): what if he leaves me?
Noah is not going to leave you.
You did everything perfectly, and that yutz left you.
Noah loves you.
And I know you think he's pretty dreamy,
but I'm his sister, so I can tell you the truth.
-Oh. -He's a big nerd who lucked out and married up.
-(sighs): No. -Seriously. You're saving him
-from a sad, lonely life in a lab. -(laughs)
He's not going anywhere. Okay?
-ROSE: Miriam! Astrid! We're leaving! -Okay.
Okay.
(indistinct chatter continues in distance)
â™ª â™ª
ABE: This is the eighth grade,
and Miss Bedetsky is so overloaded
with math homework to grade,
I offered to help.
I was new to her class,
and she thought it was cute
that a 13-year-old would offer to help.
The emphasis on education in the Jewish faith
may be the thing that I admire the most.
Anyway, she let me try.
And I graded them perfectly--
without even using the key.
She looked at me, astonished, and then said,
"Abraham Weissman, you are a natural born
-mathematician." -Mm.
I was so proud.
(laughs) Did you stay in touch with her?
-That moron? No. -ROSE: Abe.
What? There were mistakes she didn't find
in the papers she graded that day.
So I corrected them and immediately transferred
-out of her class. -He couldn't just stop
at the nice part-- he just, he had to keep going.
She left the school after that, on my recommendation.
I would like to propose a toast. (clears throat)
-ASTRID: Mmm. -I have never understood
what Abe Weissman was talking about ever in my life.
One time I made the mistake of asking about his day.
45 minutes later, he was still talking,
but I had taken to my bed.
-(laughing) -So for both of our sakes,
I'm very glad that he's finally found
some people who truly speak his language.
And apparently whatever he's been saying is very impressive.
So please join me in toasting my father,
-the great Abe Weissman. -NOAH: Cheers.
L'chaim!
(Midge clears throat)
-What do we do? -We should leave.
-We're not leaving. -He's practically on top of us.
Wait, is that the secretary?
There are a thousand restaurants
in the city-- what are the odds?
One in sixteen thousand, four hundred fifty...
Twelve thousand, three hundred...
I'm taking into account weather effects,
that some restaurants are closed on Mondays...
Yeah, yeah, but I'm calculating differentials in geography,
-quality... -We get it, guys, the odds are low.
She doesn't even look Jewish.
-Is she Jewish or...? -We should leave.
Papa, this is your celebration.
Don't let him ruin it.
I couldn't find my Finchley cuff links.
It was an omen. I should have heeded it.
Papa, your cuff links were not an omen.
Her ankles are the same size as her calves.
Okay, if we're gonna stay, we should probably
figure out something else to be talking...
We should go.
Put the egg rolls in your purse.
-My purse is silk. -Fine.
Anyone with pockets, grab a roll.
-I'll get us a cab. -We should walk.
-I'm in heels. -Fine, we're getting a cab.
-Noah, get us a cab. -Okay.
(car horn honks)
ABE: Taxi!
-NOAH: Taxi? -ABE: Hey. Taxi!
-JOEL: Midge. -Joel, please...
-I'm sorry. -It's okay.
-I didn't know you'd be here. -How could you?
-I didn't know you came here. -We don't. We never have.
I've been steering clear of Barney Greengrass and Zabar's.
I go all the way over to the East Side
just to buy a pack of cigarettes.
We're celebrating. It's a special occasion.
My father got a job at Bell Labs.
Bell Labs? Wow, that's terrific. He finally got it.
It's a special occasion. That-That's all.
I'll never come here again.
We'll never come here again.
I'm sorry. I just...
I didn't mean to spoil the night.
You didn't. It's...
You should go back inside.
Tell your...
That's great...
about Bell Labs.
ASTRID: And this is Rabbi Schneerson.
A very good man, but that card's in every pack,
-so no one will trade you for him. -(laughs)
ROSE: Capers and mustard.
That's it for things I recognize in here.
We should have taken the champagne.
-It was already poured. -That's why God invented funnels.
No, wait, I see cottage cheese.
-I like cottage cheese. -(gasps) You got a Hirchensohn!
Chief rabbi of Hoboken!
(laughs) Have you ever seen a Hirchensohn?
To be honest, I've never seen rabbi trading cards.
Oh, one of the wonders of Israel.
That and Shabbat on a kibbutz.
Okay, this might be soup or gravy. I don't know.
It's a container of brown-- should we try it?
This is no longer cottage cheese.
ASTRID: I can't believe someone actually came in here
to steal the gefilte fish-- we could be eating that.
-ROSE: Astonishing. -You sure it's not here?
-I looked. -MIDGE: We looked.
Can I go to bed now?
-Oh... -Of course, sweetie.
Here, I'll take you. Oh, and I can sneak in
and steal a little kiss for my baby Esther.
Oh, no, uh, the baby just went to sleep, Astrid.
I promise you can kiss her in the morning.
Good night, Ethan. Sweet dreams.
(gasps) Cookies. I found cookies.
Oh, ignore what your brother says--
-you are officially my favorite. Mmm. -Mmm.
It's not going to last.
-What's not? -Joel and that woman.
I saw him check his watch. Twice.
-Mama, don't... -Trust me.
That girl is on her way out.
â™ª You with the stars in your eyes... â™ª
Cookie for a smoke?
If the parents catch us, this was your idea.
-â™ª You used to be â™ª -Yeah, yeah.
-â™ª Too wise â™ª -(horn honks in distance)
â™ª Hey there... â™ª
What a dinner, huh?
What? Did something unusual happen?
I wasn't paying attention.
I still can't believe you and Joel split.
Wasn't my plan, believe me.
It's so disappointing. I really liked the guy.
God, and that girl he was with.
When I saw that, I thought, "I should hit him."
And I would've.
But then I remembered once we were joking around,
and I sort of fake-punched his arm...
Broke my pinkie.
-What? -He didn't look that big,
but his arm was like a brick wall.
-Yeah, he had strong arms. -It was humiliating.
The next day at work I had to make up a story
-about being mugged in the park. -You never told me any of this.
Well... it wasn't my most...
manly anecdote.
I sure hate that he hurt you, boy.
Thanks.
Make sure the next guy you get involved with
has very weak upper body strength.
-Of course. -I'd like to defend your honor.
-I'd appreciate that. -But I have to be able
to hold a pen the next day.
Noah, listen, you got to do me a favor, okay?
Anything.
Don't leave Astrid.
Oh, my God. I'm not gonna leave Astrid.
-She thinks you are. -I'm not.
I've told her a million times I'm not.
-She's worried about h... -Kids. I know, she's obsessed with it.
I don't care if we have kids. I want a dog.
She's driving herself crazy.
She's driving me crazy.
I don't know what to do with her.
When she gets something in her head--
like the whole converting thing.
She had to sign up for the accelerated conversion package.
Goy to Jew in three weeks or less.
Classes, rituals, and weird baths in basements,
and, oh, my God, so much challah.
-I remember. -All to impress Mama.
Who doesn't eat bread.
And if I have to go to Israel
-one more time... -Just, please,
till death do you part.
I promise.
She's a lucky gal.
I should get back in.
I'm playing hooky.
-Hey, your old turntable. -(short chuckle)
And some really dirty comedy albums.
Don't tell Mama.
Vestiges of Joel?
Nope, they're mine.
You know...
I never did get his thing for comedy.
One time we came to see him, he didn't seem that funny.
-Hmm. -You're the funny one.
You've always been the funny one.
-Thanks. -(baby starts crying)
Astrid kissed the baby.
It was inevitable.
The food was good.
I wonder if there really was a General Tso.
You get out.
I, uh, have to go back to the office for a while.
Oh.
Okay.
Don't wait up.
Who the hell are you?
Susie Myerson. Nice to meet you.
The, uh, African masks seem out of place.
-How did you get in here? -Are you kidding me?
The entire William Morris Agency goes to lunch from 1:00 to 2:00.
Agents, secretaries, security, the janitor.
I could've done naked cartwheels down the corridor
and no one would have stopped me.
What is it with you people and lunch?
-Don't any of you eat breakfast? -Get out from behind my desk.
I-I'm sorry, you don't like people behind your desk?
Tell you what. I won't get behind your desk
if you won't get behind mine.
Okay, I'm calling security.
Oh, forget it, Lew. I cut the lines.
You what?
Ah, I didn't cut the lines. Just wanted to sound like
I was in a Bogart picture for a second. It was kind of cool.
Who the fuck are you?
You handle a guy, Randall something.
I don't know the last name. He's a client of yours, right?
Introduced you to a woman named Midge Maisel?
Yeah, so?
So? Midge Maisel's a client of mine.
-You're her rep? -Yup.
And she doesn't need a William Morris agent
in her life right now. She's got everything she needs with me.
And who are you, to be telling me this?
Lew, we both know what a place like this does with someone
like Midge-- a girl comic, good-looking,
just starting out, can't sing.
You meet 'em at the deli, like you did, all casual-like.
And then you schedule a fancy lunch-- there's always lunch--
talk to 'em about their hopes and their dreams,
you promise them everything, you deliver nothing,
and then you dump 'em if lightning doesn't strike
within the first five minutes.
She does not need you.
She does not need Randall. She needs me.
-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.
What kind of contract you got with her?
Same kind of contract you got with your nuts--
there's two of us and we're attached.
And if you ever go near Midge again,
I will make it my life's mission to take you
and this entire building down.
Oh, and... here's my card.
In case you need it someday.
â™ª â™ª
(knocking)
(turns off radio)
Babka.
-Bourbon. -Oh, I like that combination.
Come in.
It's excellent toasted with a little butter,
-if you're so inclined. -(sniffs) Mm.
Sit down.
I like what you've done with the place.
-Do you? -Yes. It looks...
What shall we toast to?
Not yet. I want to talk first.
Oh. Okay. Sounds serious.
-You got a phone. -I did.
You said you didn't get the phone.
-Yeah, well, I'm a cockeyed optimist. -Hmm.
So, how you doing?
I'm fine.
Good. Good. So you're not insane?
-I don't think so. -'Cause you seem insane.
What are you talking about?
This party circuit thing you've got going on,
I don't know what you really think it is,
but it's not stand-up.
It's not a gig, it's a party.
Yeah? You are not getting paid, you are not getting booked,
and those people are not a real audience--
they are politely nodding at you while they drink free booze,
and then they talk about the crazy lady
who wouldn't shut up the whole night.
I know they're not real gigs.
Do you? 'Cause it doesn't seem like it.
-And second of all... -There was no first of all.
...you do not need a goddamn man at your side to do this.
What the hell are you thinking?
You really want to be some second-rate Nichols and May?
'Cause there's already a first-rate Nichols and May.
It's fuckin' Nichols and May.
Now, you could be an original, but you are fucking it all up
with this cockamamie alternate universe party bullshit.
You want to do this?!
-Yes. -Do you?
-Yes! -Well, I can't tell anymore.
You want me to get rid of the phone, 'cause I can get rid
-of the phone. -Do not get rid of the phone.
I don't need to have a goddamn phone.
I don't have anybody I have to call.
I got that phone for you,
for this partnership that I thought we were starting.
-We are. -Does your new agent know that?
He's... not my...
You do not meet with any agents
without me knowing about it, ever.
I did not know he was gonna be there. I swear.
Bullshit! You're not an idiot!
Just drop this doe-eyed Bambi thing right now.
Okay, I'm so sick of you acting all innocent: "Oh,
"I don't know how the world works 'cause I'm a housewife,
and I wear four layers of petticoats."
It is tired and it is weak,
and you are not tired and you are not fucking weak.
And if you want to be a comic,
you are gonna have to grow the fuck up right now!
(whimpers)
(sniffles)
(sobbing)
(sniffles) I'm sorry. I...
I don't know what to do lately.
I'm... I'm trying to be strong and independent,
but I saw Joel the other night, and he was with her,
and every time I think I can breathe again, I can't.
And I'm-I'm trying to get it right.
I'm trying to figure it out.
I know the parties aren't gigs.
I know I'm not really doing stand-up.
I don't want to be a second-rate Nichols and May.
I'd never even heard of Nichols and May.
And I've got news for you.
If you're gonna be a personal manager,
then sometimes you're gonna have to deal with the personal.
And this...
is personal.
All of this.
And it's not just deals and lectures.
Sometimes you're gonna have to buy some Kleenex
and let me cry and pat me on the back
-and say, "There, there." -Okay, that's not really my...
You're gonna have to listen to me talk
about my husband, and my kids.
Both of 'em?
Yes. Both of them.
And you are gonna have to stop backing away from me
when I feel like my life is falling apart.
You are gonna have to tell me I'm good when I'm not.
-You want me to lie? -Yes!
That is what managers do!
Do you understand?
(Midge exhales)
(Midge crying quietly)
(sobs)
There, there.
Better?
(sniffles) Yes.
Better.
Good.
Tomorrow...
we're gonna sign some fuckin' paperwork.
The last few signatures. I promise.
Responsibility is often
-accompanied by excessive paperwork. -And how.
Especially when the government's involved.
If you'd asked me a week ago, I would not have put money
on us sitting here today.
Well, I had to shuffle quite a few things around,
make some tough compromises, and you seemed so desperate.
We are thrilled, believe me.
All your background checks are completed.
You sailed through
-faster than most. -Very good.
Now, there's just the final government clearance.
It's somewhat more intensive, but it should go smoothly, too.
The only possible bump I see
would be your daughter's arrests.
Her arrests?
We know, a couple of misdemeanors, she pled guilty.
It shouldn't be too big a problem.
Right. Yes.
Young people go through these phases, right?
Yes, young people go through phases.
Things I did in college, it's amazing my parents
still talk to me.
(chuckles)
We'll ease you in the first couple of days.
One of us will take you on a tour of the facility,
get you oriented.
Might be me, might be my colleague, Sven.
Sven is a great fellow.
MIDGE: I was cornered by Mrs. Klaviter today. -ROSE: Mm.
Ever since she kicked Junie Paul in the shins,
-I run when I see her. -She starts telling me this story
-about her mother's health. -Mm.
And right as she says she's only got a month to live,
the baby starts laughing.
I tell you, it was the world's longest pause.
But then, Mrs. Klaviter laughed, too.
Turns out, she hates her mother and thinks Esther's a delight.
(Rose laughs)
(chuckles)
What?
ROSE: What ever happened to Junie Paul?
I wonder if she ever married.
I would think.
ROSE: She just needed to keep her hair long enough
-to cover those ears. -They were enormous,
but she could hear someone whispering
from across a football field. I'm kidding.
MIDGE (on tape): I was fun.
I planned theme nights,
I dressed in costumes,
I gave him kids, a boy and a girl! And yes,
our little girl is looking more and more like Winston Churchill
-every day, with the big... -(men laughing)
Yalta-head? But that's not a reason to leave, right?
Really? Really? After what I just said about the bathroom?
OZ: It's like she's having a breakdown.
-VIRGIL: But it's hysterical. -OZ: It's amazing.
MIDGE (on tape): Walk of shame!
VIRGIL: It's total improv.
OZ: Nah, this had to be written.
MIDGE (on tape): And I showed him I loved him.
All that shit they say about Jewish girls...
OZ: Well, whatever it is, it's genius.
-VIRGIL: Pure genius. -OZ: And you don't know who she is?
VIRGIL: All we know is she's married to some guy named Joel,
and she lives uptown.
OZ: Let's dub a hundred and see where it goes.
(audience laughing on tape)
MIDGE (on tape): I can't believe this is happening.
I can't believe I'm losing him to Penny Pann.
That's her name. Terrible right?
-(Oz and Virgil laughing) -MIDGE: Penny Pann!
Penny Pann.
-Penny Pann! -(audience laughs and cheers)
("Our Lips Are Sealed" by the Go-Go's plays)
â™ª Can you hear them? â™ª
â™ª They talk about us â™ª
â™ª Telling lies â™ª
â™ª Well, that's no surprise â™ª
â™ª Can you see them? â™ª
â™ª See right through them â™ª
â™ª They have no shield, no secrets to reveal â™ª
â™ª It doesn't matter what they say â™ª
â™ª In the jealous games people play â™ª
â™ª Our lips are sealed â™ª
â™ª Hush, my darling â™ª
â™ª Don't you cry â™ª
â™ª Quiet, angel â™ª
â™ª Forget their lies â™ª
â™ª Can you hear them? â™ª
â™ª They talk about us â™ª
â™ª Telling lies â™ª
â™ª Well, that's no surprise â™ª
â™ª Can you see them? â™ª
â™ª See right through them â™ª
â™ª They have no shield, no secrets to reveal â™ª
â™ª Doesn't matter what they say â™ª
â™ª In the jealous games people play â™ª
â™ª Our lips are sealed â™ª
â™ª Pay no mind to what they say â™ª
â™ª It doesn't matter anyway â™ª
â™ª Our lips are sealed â™ª