Mama? Esther's in a clean diaper and Ethan is fed.
I'll be home around 5:00.
-(thumping) -ABE: Oh, man.
Mama?
ROSE: Well, you're not pulling hard enough.
ABE: Half on the floor, half on the carpet.
-Lift, then, lift. -What happened here?
Oh. Well, Zelda must've moved the beds together to clean
and never pulled them apart.
-I'll talk to her. -It's not like her.
It's definitely not like her.
ABE: Well, I'm off.
His first big day at Bell Labs.
Have fun, Papa.
It's not about fun. It's about the future.
And I'm going to take a shower, hmm.
ABE: I'll be home the same time tonight, Rose.
ROSE: Okay. Have a nice day.
MIDGE: So, this morning, I witnessed the aftermath
of my parents' sex night.
I caught them pulling the twin beds back apart.
And, you know, I heard that scraping noise
in the middle of the night when I was a kid,
and I was scared to death that it was a ghost.
So, thanks for the memories, Mom and Dad.
(laughter)
I always thought it was a ghost,
but now I know it was something much scarier:
my parents' sex life.
-(laughter) -Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad.
But now I know it was something much scarier than a ghost.
-It was my parents' sex life. -(laughter)
No, for years, I'd-I'd embarrass myself at Halloween
because the other kids would be making ghost noises
like, "Ooh, ooh!"
And I'd be going... (moaning)
(laughter)
Mommy, why is that man's pants lumpy?
MIDGE: Question that really needs to be asked is
why is my son looking at lumps in men's pants?
A little boy is only three and a half feet tall,
so all the time he's waiting for Mommy to answer,
he's stuck there at lump level.
Train stops, he's bumping up against the thing.
-(audience groans) -Oh, a little boy
bumping up against an erection crossed a line?
Okay.
-It was a test. You passed. -(laughter)
Uncomfortable, right?
But the good thing about kids is that when they ask a question,
they don't really listen to the answer.
So, when my son asks something uncomfortable like,
"Why doesn't Daddy live here anymore?"
I just say, "Yes. Howdy Doody is a real boy."
(laughter)
Thank you. Please come again.
Good afternoon. How may I help you?
Yes, I want something that'll make my wife look like...
...Elizabeth Taylor.
So, I pointed him to the sunglass department.
(scattered laughter)
...Elizabeth Taylor.
And I wanted to say to him, "Sir, look in a mirror.
"Would someone who looks like Elizabeth Taylor come home
to someone who looks like you?"
(laughter)
...Elizabeth Taylor.
I wanted to say to him, "I hope she's out shopping
for something that makes you look like Rock Hudson."
...Elizabeth Taylor.
So, I asked for all the money in his wallet and said,
"There. Now at least it'll feel like
you're married to Elizabeth Taylor."
(laughter)
You have a tight ten.
I mean, you are a woman with a tight ten.
I'm getting cheesecake.
People were peeing their pants tonight.
We're gonna need to buy a new mop.
Couldn't even hear myself over the laughs.
I timed you tonight.
With laughs, it came to just over 11 minutes.
You have a tight 11.
I'm a tenth of the way to my second tight ten.
Most comics take years to work up those first ten minutes.
You did it in months.
Feels like years.
You're really good.
Ah, gee, thanks.
No, Miriam, I mean...
you're really good.
Do not make me cry at the Stage Deli.
-I don't want you to fucking cry. -You're starting to cry.
-I'm not starting to cry. -You are, too,
starting to cry and that's gonna make me cry.
Shit, there's, like, water on my face.
Those are tears.
What does this look like? You got a mirror?
You look kind of wet and out of focus,
like-like a Doris Day picture.
Christ.
Give me a napkin.
People are looking.
Stop looking at me!
-Susie. -Get back to your kippers!
Let's just eat. They'll stop looking.
-WOMAN: Check, please. -MAN: Check.
So, you know what this means, right?
No, what's it mean?
It's time to leave the nest.
You mean tour? I can't tour.
Mm, you're not ready to tour-- I'm just talking about gigs
at other clubs in the city, wherever I can book you.
Different venues, different audiences-- it's the next step.
Y-You got to leave the Gaslight sometime.
But I like the Gaslight.
-I know you do. -It feels like home.
It'll still be there after we kick big-time comedy ass
across all five boroughs.
Okay. Let's kick some big-time comedy ass
across all five boroughs.
I'm making some calls tonight.
And when I say five boroughs...
I don't mean Staten Island or Queens.
-Right. -Or the Bronx.
Not so much Brooklyn.
-Just Manhattan. -I got the gist.
(band playing fanfare intro)
Can I have a fry?
("God Bless America" playing)
What a day, what a day!
Shirley, was this not a great day?
SHIRLEY (calls): It was a hell of a day.
Joely, my boy, I want you to know I'm very proud of you.
The way you stood up in front of all those people--
you didn't sweat, you didn't stumble.
Every single person in the place was impressed.
-Thanks, Pop. -You know, you get one chance
to throw a bar mitzvah, so you got to get it right.
And boy, oh, boy, did we get it right!
How'd you like the size of that hall, huh?
And the turnout-- 200 people RSVP,
200 people show.
This is a big day!
It's a hell of a day!
-SHIRLEY: Watch your mouth! -And a great leap forward
for the family.
My God, boy, just a few years ago
the Maisels were lugging pushcarts in shtetls.
And look at us now--
on the verge of opening our first factory,
hosting events that people clamor to come to--
important people!
Go ahead.
Tack the picture up on the headboard there.
(chuckles): Did you see the looks on people's faces
when I told them that your cousin, Sergeant Meyer Schultz,
piloted the plane that struck that Jap battleship
three days after Pearl Harbor?!
Ah! They couldn't believe it.
-He's a hero. -You bet he's a hero.
And now, Joely, I'm gonna come clean with you,
'cause you're 13 and you're a man now.
He's not your cousin.
-He's not? -No, he was our paperboy,
and just this side of idiot.
See, it's all part of the big picture--
the hall, the lavish buffet, the fake cousin.
It's very important that you show people
you're bigger and better than them.
Because if they think it, then you'll be it.
That's how you get ahead in the world, become a conqueror.
-Yes, sir. -I want everyone to know
that you, Joel Maisel, are a conqueror.
And today, in that temple, in that banquet hall,
they learned.
And now... we got to pay for it.
You understand?
I could've just gone down the street,
thrown your bar mitzvah in the room in the back
of your uncle's bowling alley.
We would've gotten it for free.
Free's good. We like free.
But then, everyone who came to that bowling alley,
with its stench of beer and piss and lane oil,
they would have known we got it for free,
and that is not acceptable.
No. Today these people walked in
thinking their Saturday's been ruined
by another stupid bar mitzvah,
but they walked out thinking: The Maisels...
are really going to be something.
â™ª Sweet... â™ª
â™ª Home... â™ª
It's Mommy rooster.
Rise and shine, Joely.
It's 7:00 in the a.m.
-Good morning, Ma. -Look at that.
Another gorgeous sunshiny day.
-You should ride your bike. -I don't ride bikes anymore, Ma.
Wear a hat. You'll get a sunstroke.
I'm not riding a bike, Ma.
Oh, it's been so nice having my boychik home.
Oh, I'll get your father's boxes out of here.
-And the sewing machine, too. -It's just temporary.
Sure, temporary, temporary.
Ooh. I'm doing a load of whites.
Give me everything you got.
-All your poo-poo undies. -You don't have to.
Is this a girl's suitcase?
Ma, please. I need to get ready for work.
Of course. I'll make you a plate of yummy eggs.
Would you like that?
Sure. Make me a plate of yummy eggs.
Now, don't bother looking under the bed
for the magazines you left when you moved out.
I found them and threw them out.
Bad boy.
I don't want the magazines, Ma.
Eggs'll be ready in a jiff.
SHIRLEY: â™ª Mairzy doats and dozy doats â™ª
â™ª And liddle lamzy divey â™ª
â™ª A kiddley divey, too, wouldn't you? â™ª
â™ª Yes, mairzy doats and dozy doats â™ª
â™ª And liddle lamzy divey â™ª
â™ª A kiddley divey, too â™ª
â™ª Wouldn't you? â™ª
BIG BAND & SINGERS: â™ª If the words sound queer â™ª
â™ª And funny to your ear â™ª
â™ª A little bit jumbled and jivey â™ª
â™ª Sing, mares eat oats and does eat oats â™ª
â™ª And little lambs eat ivy... â™ª
East Coast is exactly where we want.
But the West Coast operation is in disarray, and they say
-it's all due to supply. -The chain is gridlocked,
and it's not seasonal anymore, it's year-round.
CURTIS: Dow Chemical's scrambling
for supplies themselves-- phenolic resin,
formaldehyde-- they can't get enough.
Just pour some formaldehyde on a rag and hold it over my face.
Their chief scientists say there are breakthroughs within sight,
but that's all they'll say.
"Within sight"? That's nice and vague.
-Any suggestions? -LAWRENCE: There's nothing to do, boss,
except get in line and wait our turn.
And hope we don't go out of business first.
Excuse me?
We can't just wait.
Everything'll come to a complete stop.
What do you suggest, Maisel?
Let's acquire the supply.
What was that?
We can't control our supply of chemicals
if we can't control the supplier.
So... let's become the supplier.
And how would that work? We buy Union Carbide?
-(man chuckles) -We start small, Curtis.
We acquire a local lab.
We dig through universities for talent.
We got a few of those in New York.
-A few. -We hire our own technicians, our own scientists.
We build our own chain and become our own suppliers.
They turn chemicals into plastic,
and we turn plastic into toys and coasters.
Hell, let's make the chemicals, too.
Life magazine says conglomerates are the future.
Francis, call Chase Manhattan.
Let's take some baby steps.
Set up a line of credit, see what's out there.
And we need to call the West Coast, give 'em a heads-up.
-Curtis, give 'em a buzz. -Will do, boss.
We should send the CFO out there, too.
As soon as possible. Now, what else, guys?
MAN: Just a couple of personnel things.
IMOGENE: Can you believe our babies are turning four?
-They just turned three. -They'll be in school
before you know it, then college,
then marriage, they'll have babies,
become grandparents-- we'll be dead by then.
-Yay. -Sorry.
Wait. You put marbles in here. I'm doing marbles.
-I thought you were doing gum. -And you're putting
Tiny Tina baby carriages in the boys' bags.
Oh, I told you, we should get gender-specific bags.
-Too much chatter. -Sorry, Papa.
-And what is all this? -It's for Ethan's birthday party.
-This is too much for him. -This is for the kids
-who come to the party. -It's all their birthdays?
-If everyone gets a gift, it'll keep the screaming down. -So,
everyone gets a gift, everyone gets a compliment,
everyone gets a hug-- you're not preparing
-these kids for the real world. -Don't worry,
we'll teach the kids how cruel the world is next year,
-when they're five. -Did you need something, Mr. Weissman?
Yes. I need you to know that I can hear
every word you're saying, and I'm grading papers.
So please, Miriam, Dody...
(quietly): try to keep it down.
Okay.
Why does he call me Dody?
She was my friend growing up.
It's sort of a catchall for whoever he sees me with.
Wait, there's already gum in here.
-I put it in there. -I'm doing gum.
But I thought you were doing candy cigarettes.
-Starting over. -(groans)
(Imogene sighs)
So, we should finalize the guest list.
-It's the same as last year. -Is it?
What's the confusion, Dody?
Is Joel coming?
Of course he's coming--
it's his son's birthday.
Is he bringing her?
Only if he wants to be beaten to death
by, I don't know, everyone at the party.
Okay. But we'd better figure out who knows what, compare stories.
-Stories? -The stories you've each been telling people
about your situation-- I've completely lost track.
And I have no idea what you've been telling people.
Every word, as if broadcast over a microphone.
-We're almost done. -You keep starting over.
She talked me out of gender-specific bags,
-Mr. Weissman. -(exhales)
Set up a line like Henry Ford.
Keep the piles separate,
then pass the bags from one to the other.
Candy cigarettes, pass the bag,
a Silly Putty, pass the bag, and so on.
Thanks for the industrial education, Papa.
And, young lady, I heard through the door
that your name is not Dody-- what is your name?
Imogene.
I'm not gonna remember that.
The Murphys-- do they know all?
I'm not sure. I-I lied to some people at first,
then started telling people that we were separated
-but trying to work it out. -The Turners?
Think that Joel is on a business trip in Poland.
-The Rivingtons? -Know that you're separated
and know that Joel moved out. Someone got to them before me.
But they don't know that Joel's living with Penny.
He's not living with Penny anymore.
What? Since when?
Joel's secretary called.
Gave me a new home number for him.
It was his parents'.
What happened?
I don't know.
Wow.
As the world turns.
-Mm-hmm. -So,
who else? Uh, the Gertzs.
MIDGE: Think that Joel is on a very long business trip
-but suspect more. -The Salings?
MIDGE: Think that we are renovating the apartment
and that Joel is traveling for work.
-(indistinct chatter) -(commentator speaking on radio)
Mm.
What the hell?
Harry, good. Can we talk?
Oh, Susie. Sure.
Hey, uh, guys, can you give us the room?
-Susie needs to talk to me. -(chuckling)
You don't have to clear the room.
I'm not gonna clear the goddamn room.
Jesus Christ, Susie, get a phone.
-I have a phone. -Well, use it.
But face-to-face is better. That's what you always said.
Don't listen to me.
Oh, so smooth.
It's like a baby's bottom. (inhales)
And so fragrant.
Okay, okay.
Tell me why you're here.
The comic I told you about, the one I'm representing.
-The girl? -Yeah, the girl.
She's been killing at the Gaslight, night after night.
What's her name again?
It's Amanda Gleason.
Shit name.
Fake name but a great comic.
She'd be the perfect opening act for Sophie Lennon.
-Get out of here. Sophie's one of my biggest clients. -I know.
Where do you come off, asking for something like this?
-I'm not talking about opening for her at the Copa. -Then what?
Sophie plays those joints in Jersey
when she's working up a new act.
Those little dives, unannounced.
Let my girl open for her there.
-Really? -Yeah.
That's a shit gig.
It's a terrible gig.
The audience is there for Sophie.
-The opener gets eaten alive. -We're game.
Slot went to Markie Diamond once. You hear of him?
-No. -And to Adam Young once.
-You hear of him? -No.
Danny LeMonde? Scoop LeMonde?
-Brothers? -They're in plumbing now.
-I get the point. -She'd be a sacrificial lamb.
Then cut her up into chops and serve her with mint sauce.
I want this for her.
I'd need to see her first.
She's got a tight ten.
I can set you up any night you like.
-I'm not going to the Gaslight. -Why not?
I don't go downtown anymore.
You cut your teeth haunting dives downtown.
I got nice suits now.
Why you wearing this one?
The Stork Club is as south as I want to go.
She'll perform anywhere you want,
but the Gaslight's her home.
(sighs)
It's a really shit gig.
(chuckles softly)
She's gonna bomb.
(applause)
SOPHIE: Put that on your plate!
Yeah, I'm from Queens,
born and raised.
Queens is the place you go to get to the airport...
-to get the hell out of Queens. -(laughter)
(laughs) Put that on your plate. Ugh.
In Queens, we got a neighborhood called Flushing,
which isn't a name so much as a suggestion
for what to do with the place.
-(laughter) -Put that on your plate!
(chuckles) You know, sometimes when I'm on the telephone
and I say my name, Sophie Lennon,
-people think they hear "Sophia Loren." Mm. -(awwing)
Funny, nobody ever makes that mistake in person.
(laughter)
You hear those laughs?
They're big laughs.
Are you sure my stuff is funny enough for Harry?
Positive. Why? Aren't you sure?
-I'm pretty sure. -Pretty sure?
I went out on a limb for you here, sister, so be damn sure.
I'm... damn sure, okay?
I mean, really.
Yeah, I like to eat!
I'm so fat...
ALL: How fat are you?
I'm so fat that I used to look Rubenesque,
and now I just look like a Reuben sandwich.
(laughter)
I grew up listening to this woman on the radio.
-Me, too. -Even my dad laughed at her.
He tried not to, but he did.
She got a lot of us through the Depression.
How old are you?
I'm not telling you.
I can't even go to the beach anymore.
Last time I was at the beach,
some marine biology students started poking me with a stick,
looking for my blowhole!
(laughter)
I walked by a construction site,
and the workers start whistling at each other!
(laughter)
Should I talk about my husbands?
(cheering and applause)
All right then. You asked for it.
Oh, my first husband and me, we didn't get along too good.
He was too proper.
He spoke the Queen's English,
whereas I spoke Queens' English.
Bop!
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
Oh! Put that on your plate!
SOPHIE: Here you go.
(chuckles) What's your name, sweetie?
Linda. I'm from Queens, too.
Oh, Linda, you have my deepest sympathies.
-(chuckles) -(laughs) There you go.
-Hello, my loves. -WOMAN: I'm an enormous fan.
-How 'bout that? I'm an enormous comedian. -Harry.
SOPHIE (laughs): There you go, honey.
-Enjoy. -Hello, Susie.
Oh, thanks for putting on your fancy duds.
Shows a lot of respect for the occasion here.
Listen, I know it's late and you have a catheter
that needs changing, so let me introduce you to my girl.
-This is... -Amanda Gleason.
-Nice to meet you.
-You like the show? -I loved it.
She's hysterical. She's timeless.
She's the best in the biz.
Let me introduce you. Sophie.
-Yeah. -Excuse me.
Oh, hey, don't worry. I'll be back.
Sophie, this is Susie Myerson and Amanda Gleason.
Amanda may be opening for you
-in Jersey. -Nice to meet you.
-Ah, Sophie don't shake hands. -Oh.
-Sophie shakes bodies. Come here, you. -Oh. Oh. (laughing)
(laughs) Harry, make sure
you cheat toward this adorable young thing.
-MIDGE: Oh. (chuckles) -I will.
-So, you're gonna be the appetizer, huh? -I'm hoping.
Well, it's a tough gig. They tell you that?
-They did. I'm game. -Good for you.
Why don't you come over to my house this week.
I like to get to know my acolytes.
I'm at your disposal.
Harry, set it up.
Look at those beauty-ful people.
So long, all!
Come here, my darlings.
Susie, I'll be in touch.
-Thanks, Harry. -Okay.
(both chuckle)
SOPHIE: Oh! Where'd you get that hat?
There's still lumps in there, Zelda. They all have to go.
-Yes, ma'am. -It's not just about what he can chew.
-Every lump is a choking hazard. -Who's at risk of choking?
Your father's bringing Mordecai Glickman home for dinner.
Professor Glickman? He was an old man when I was a kid.
-He still is. -He had no liver when I was a kid.
He still doesn't.
-Too firm. Lose the peaches. -Yes, ma'am.
You're eating with us? Please say you're eating with us.
-I was planning on it. -Your father especially wanted you
to eat with us.
-Too stringy. Lose the yams. -Yes, ma'am.
Grab some bowls. They'll want to eat as soon as they come in,
before Mordecai falls asleep.
(sighs)
So, remember,
he's got 90% hearing loss in his left ear,
and his right ear is completely deaf.
-So yell into his left ear. -And sometimes he sees stars
in front of his eyes and he'll comment on them.
He'll say, "Look at all the pretty stars, everyone."
-Just go along. -We're all seeing pretty stars.
-Mm. -Is it okay if I seat Professor Glickman here, ma'am?
Oh, he shouldn't sit there. If he falls, he'll hit his head
-on the mirror. -But if he falls over there,
-he'll hit his head on the drink cart. -(sighs)
I should have had Abe tell me which way he was tilting today.
Have some pillows handy.
-(door opens) -ABE: Hello!
We're here!
Abe?
Rose, this is David Blumenthal.
David, this is my wife, Rose.
Nice to meet you, Mrs. Weissman.
-Likewise. -And this is my daughter,
-Miriam. -Very nice to meet you, Miriam.
Nice to meet you, too, Mr. Blumenthal.
Please, call me David.
David.
Zelda, why don't you take Mr. Blumenthal's coat.
Yes, ma'am.
(quietly): This is not Professor Glickman.
-Of course it isn't. -I thought
you were bringing home Professor Glickman.
I said "a colleague," not "Professor Glickman."
David, please join us in the living room.
We can chat a bit before dinner.
Mmm, this looks...
charmingly eclectic.
Is this dinner, Rose?
It's dinner for Mordecai Glickman.
I wasn't aware you were bringing home someone with teeth.
-(chuckles) -(chuckles) Well, David,
would you like a drink?
We have... peppermint schnapps.
Rose, why is there just peppermint schnapps?
It's what Professor Glickman drinks.
I have scotch somewhere.
I'm fine, thank you. I don't need a drink.
I hope you like applesauce and peach slices, Mr. Blumenthal.
-I like whatever you're serving. -Good, because that's what
we're serving: applesauce and peach slices and mashed potatoes
and consommÃ© and hard-boiled eggs and pureed cauliflower
and pudding for dessert.
Your teeth will wonder what they're there for.
Miriam, will you help me in the kitchen, please?
Mm.
Excuse me.
So, David, which part of Westchester are you from?
What do we have that's real food?
-I have steaks, but they're frozen. -This is a nightmare.
-The nerve of him. -The nerve of him.
You said he was bringing home Professor Glickman.
I said he was bringing home a colleague,
and it's always Professor Glickman.
-Is this a set-up? -Of course it's a set-up.
Why is he doing this? Why is he trying to set me up
-with some guy? -Your father's nothing but a common souteneur.
-A what? -A pimp. Your father's a pimp.
-He's not a pimp. -He's trying to breed you, like a prize mare.
Just the presumption of what he's doing.
-I'm so mad. -And this man is not even attractive.
Well, he's not unattractive.
Oh, Miriam, you are not going out with this man.
Of course I'm not going out with this man.
But you said he was attractive.
-(arguing continues) -I had a car for a while.
A '55 Bel Air.
But the upkeep was enormous,
and parking in the city's murder, so...
Yes, well, parking and upkeep is...
-ROSE: So you would encourage your father to be a pimp? -Look,
he's a lot of things, but I don't think
it's fair to call him a pimp.
ROSE: Well, he's being a pimp.
Upkeep is pretty onerous.
David, will you excuse me a moment?
The girls sound a little... excited.
-Of course. -ROSE: So it's my fault?
MIDGE: I should have eaten at the Automat tonight.
-That's what I think. -Miriam, stop it. -What is going on?
-We can hear every word you're saying. -Abe Weissman,
what made you think you could just bring a man home like this?
He's a colleague. I bring colleagues home for dinner.
-He's not just a colleague. -You brought him home
-to set him up with Miriam. -I did no such thing.
-Come on. -David Blumenthal is a colleague at my school.
-Is he a bachelor? -I think so.
-Oh, Abe! -What, I can only bring home married colleagues?
-Mm. -Come on, you never bring anyone home,
and tonight you show up with this attractive young guy?
-Semi-attractive. -He's not unattractive.
-Which side are you on here? -His looks have nothing to do
with this. Now, please, can we get dinner on the table?
Dinner's a disaster.
He says he's not picky.
Oh, and Mordecai Glickman is no longer with us.
-Since when? -Since we went to his funeral four years ago.
That's right. It was the liveliest
I'd seen Mordecai in years.
Dinner, please.
You think he's telling the truth?
I don't know anything anymore.
(Midge sighs)
Thursday is soft foods night
here at the Weissman home, David.
I hope you don't mind.
I'm anything but picky, Abe.
-(chuckles) -Please, everybody, sit.
(clears throat)
So, David here is a divorce lawyer.
David, can I dish you up some peach slices?
-You said he was a colleague. -I do teach law part-time.
-Shut up, David. -She needs an attorney.
-She does not need an attorney. -Maybe I should go.
Papa, this was not the time or the place.
Mr. Blumenthal, I'm afraid my husband brought you here
under false pretenses.
An informative colloquy can't hurt.
I can just leave my card with you.
She doesn't need your card.
Papa, can we...
colloquy in your study, please?
The food will get cold.
It's already cold.
-David, excuse us. -I understand.
No, there's nothing for you to understand, Mr. Blumenthal.
-Mm-mm. -Rose,
please, my study.
Don't you dare pull paperwork out of that briefcase of yours.
Papa, you should have told me you were doing this.
We should not be in denial about what's happening here.
Who are you to say that?
-I'm her father. -For now.
What does that even mean?
And why would you think I would bring someone home
-to set you up with? -Because you're a common souteneur.
-A what? -A pimp. Papa, you're a pimp.
I beg your pardon.
-Sounds better in French. -I wouldn't set you up
with anyone. I don't even know your type.
-Joel's her type. -Miriam doesn't have a type.
My God, before Joel,
you were with that ultra white Palmer Witherspoon.
Oh, that name you remember?
He was like a pole-vaulter from Triumph of the Will.
Papa, this is my concern, not yours.
You're my daughter.
Your concerns are my concerns.
Miriam and Joel are not divorcing.
Rose, we need to talk about this.
They live apart. She has a job.
He moved in with that girl.
No one at Ethan's party has been told the same thing.
It'll be 20 adults all sitting six feet apart
so they can't compare stories
with Dody running interference.
(sighs)
Things need to move on.
Miriam needs to be settled.
And that means they need to divorce.
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Now I'm gonna go to the kitchen and grab some celery
because we all need something fibrous to eat.
(door closes)
Her name's Imogene.
â™ª â™ª
â™ª Now... â™ª
â™ª You say you're lonely â™ª
â™ª You cry the long night through â™ª
I guess it's time.
â™ª Well, you can cry me a river â™ª
â™ª Cry me a river â™ª
â™ª I cried a river â™ª
â™ª Over you. â™ª
Rose.
(sighs) Rose.
Privacy, please.
We need to talk.
You bring that man home.
A lawyer.
I could strangle you.
I want to tell you something.
Well, tell it to your colleague.
You need to know-- Rose!
You need to know about Miriam and Joel.
What about them?
Joel is not going to come back.
How do you know?
Because he already did... come back.
And she turned him away.
"She" who?
Miriam.
-Our Miriam? -Yes.
I don't understand.
About a month ago, Joel came here
and he asked to come back.
She said no.
-She said no. -She said no.
And you didn't tell me.
I didn't know how.
And she didn't tell me.
She probably didn't know how.
Well, thank you very much.
Drina! I need the ball.
And the cards.
I need the ball and the cards and two cups of tea.
-WOMAN: Hello. -Drina?
Welcome. Please, have a seat.
Who are you?
I am Madame Cosma.
I see your future so you don't have to.
N-No. What happened to Drina?
Drina, she's home now.
Drina went back to the old country without telling me?
The old country, she's from the Bronx.
Oh, no, no, no. Drina's from Eastern Europe.
A small city just outside Bucharest.
Okay.
I need to see her. She tells my fortune.
She reads my tea leaves. She helps guide my life.
Well, now I am the person who's gonna do that,
but between you and me,
the tea leaf thing, kind of a scam.
Pyromancy. Gazing into fire...
Much more accurate, prettier, too.
-This isn't happening. -The price is the same.
And if you pay in advance, your tenth visit is free.
Plus, I throw in a charm.
I don't believe this. What am I gonna do?
I don't even have to consult the cards to see...
that it's all going wrong for you.
(door opens and closes)
Hello, Abe.
Abe. Abe!
I just need a moment, please.
Okay, I know you hate me.
I don't blame you.
I'm not feeling too hot about myself, either.
I just wanted to talk to you about what my father said
at that dinner a couple months ago.
For Professor Weissman?
I'll take it.
Abe, you got a package.
Okay, then I'll talk to your door.
It's true what he said.
Miriam and I were broke.
I mean, flat broke.
We were spending more than we made,
couldn't save anything.
But she had no idea that that was the case.
She'd ask about money and I'd say we're fine, we're good.
She trusted me.
She's always trusted me.
There's a lot of things I can't make right again,
but there's some things I can.
Thanks.
Table.
I've been stepping up at work, Abe.
And I'm in line for a new job.
It's a pretty big promotion.
Well, good for you.
I'm not bragging, it just means...
Look.
It comes with a raise, a pretty big one.
And I've been crunching the numbers.
Uh-huh.
Miriam and the kids can't live at your place forever.
They're gonna need their own place, three bedrooms at least.
I can swing that now.
And she wants the kids to go to private school?
Yes, she does.
Ethan to Collegiate and Esther to Brearley.
Tuition's about $1,100 each, and I budgeted for that, too.
Then there's clothes, entertainment.
I want them to go to shows and movies,
take piano lessons, go on vacations.
It's all here.
Everything they need is accounted for.
And my new salary will cover it all.
And if you don't get the new job?
Then I'll go back to working for my father.
Either way, that is the salary.
Joel, you know that I am pretty good at math.
-Right? -Yes.
There's nothing left for you.
I'll be fine.
-You'll be fine? -The new job takes me
to the West Coast a lot,
eventually, I'll be moving there.
To California?
Miriam said you hate California.
Doesn't matter.
But what about the kids?
They're taken care of. Anything they want.
But you won't see them.
They don't need me.
Joel.
So do me a favor, Abe?
Be the go-between on this.
Tell Midge that she and the kids are all set.
You'll do that?
I'll do that.
This is good, Abe.
You should be happy.
Okay.
I'll be happy.
(car horn honks in distance)
(grand musical tones play)
Good afternoon.
Miss Gleason, I presume.
Yes. Good afternoon.
Miss Lennon is expecting you.
Please come in.
Thank you.
So who composed that doorbell? Puccini?
I wouldn't know.
Probably just some guy at the doorbell factory.
Your coat, miss?
Oh, yes.
Wow. Such a big foyer.
You should put in a ping-pong table.
-Jenkins? -Oh.
-Oh, hi, Jenkins. -The lady's coat.
They look like they could use some water.
Miss Lennon will be down shortly.
SOPHIE: Miss Lennon is down now.
(chuckles)
Sophie. Hi.
(chuckling): So good to see you.
Oh, and you're on time.
That's so unlike a comic.
-I tend to be punctual. -Mmm.
The lady was inquiring as to the provenance of the doorbell.
It was a joke. I said Puccini.
It was Aaron Copland.
Wait. Aaron Copland wrote your doorbell?
It's something he does.
Aaron writes doorbells for all his friends.
I guess even composers need to let loose sometimes.
Dawes, how is the light in the Blue Room today?
I got a terrible night's sleep,
and you know that makes my eyes sensitive to light.
Is the light caustic today?
I'll check, ma'am.
The light is not caustic, ma'am.
The Blue Room it is.
Wow. Wow.
I had to fire six designers to get it here.
I'm not sure it was worth it.
-This is gorgeous. -Don't touch.
That was Cole Porter's.
He wrote "Begin the Beguine" on that very instrument.
And this rug was once owned by George Gershwin.
Should I walk on it?
Lightly. You'll have the grand tour after we eat.
Terrific. I'd love to see the kitchen.
The kitchen? Really?
Why?
Because I love kitchens.
Really? Kitchens?
Why?
-They're neat. -To be honest,
I haven't been in our kitchen in quite some time.
I'm on the road, I'm upstairs,
but if it means that much to you, we'll find it.
Ready for tea, ma'am?
Yes, Dawes. Let's sit.
So the bread for the finger sandwiches is from Provence.
Uh, the macaroons are French, too.
Clotted cream is from London, of course, and the scones.
I would never eat a domestic scone.
Shall we prepare your plate, miss?
Yes, thank you.
And I will have my usual, Dawes.
So... this is you.
This is me.
-Surprised? -A little.
You were expecting Sophie Lennon, weren't ya?
-Yes. -(chuckles) It's a very successful charade, isn't it?
-Amazing. -It's all fat suit and makeup.
How do people not know?
I've never seen a picture of you out of character.
I pay the publicists, I pay the rags.
I paid for Walter Winchell's summer home, for Christ's sake.
Fans don't want to see this.
They want the hausfrau from Queens.
Ooh. Macaroons.
(laughs) You are so refreshing.
-Hmm? -Eating a macaroon like that.
Oh, am I eating it wrong?
No, no, no. You're eating it.
(Sophie chuckles)
Leave the wedge, please.
My goodness, you're so pretty.
Why comedy? Can't you sing?
Nope. The comedy thing-- I-I just fell into it.
Mm, me, too.
-I went to Yale Drama School. -You're kidding.
Yes, I wanted to be the next Laurette Taylor.
Then I graduated, and I starved,
so I started doing this character-- Sophie from Queens.
And look what it paid for.
Dawes?
-Yes, ma'am? -Isn't that marvelous?
-Uh... -So tell me...
what is your gimmick?
-My...? -Your persona.
-Your Sophie. -Oh.
I don't have a persona. I'm just me.
Oh, no, no, no, that will not work.
-It won't? -No. No one wants that.
I-I've been doing okay.
Downtown.
Honey, you give a downtowner a swig of gin,
and he'll laugh at a sponge.
The mainstreamers, the people from Pacoima,
the people who buy the dish soap and the dog food,
who pay for the Modigliani's-- they want a character.
But... Bob Hope doesn't have a character.
Lenny Bruce doesn't have a character.
They have dicks. Do you have a dick?
Not last time I checked.
Darling, look at you.
I mean, really-- men don't want to laugh at you.
They want to fuck you.
You can't go up there and be a woman.
You've got to be a thing.
You want to get ahead in comedy?
Cover up that hole.
Another macaroon, miss?
No, thank you, Dawes.
You're learning.
So... you got the grand tour?
My feet hurt, we walked so much.
(laughs) I love that you love kitchens.
-I do. -Mm.
You should visit yours sometime. It misses you.
Oh, and you have macaroons to take home.
This was very nice.
-Mm. -Thank you, Sophie.
I have a feeling we're going to be seeing a lot
of each other in the future.
I hope so.
Well, good luck tomorrow night.
Say hello to Harry and make him laugh.
-I will do my best. -Mm.
Your coat, miss.
What is that?
That is my coat.
That flimsy thing? It's freezing out.
Uh-uh. Jenkins?
A fat suit is very warm, by the way.
This was really not necessary.
Miss Lennon was unhappy with your coat.
How should I get it back to her?
She's worn it twice. It's yours now.
Do you need a car?
No. Thank you, Dawes.
This has been a gas.
It has, miss. Good-bye.
(singing in Hebrew)
-Goot Shabbos, Abraham. -Goot Shabbos, Chaim.
Where are the ladies?
A very good question, Chaim.
(singing continues)
Abraham...
come close, please!
The rabbi has a cold.
Thank you, Chaim.
(singing ends)
Everyone please join me as we welcome the Sabbath
with Lecha Dodi, page 137.
â™ª Lecha dodi likrat kallah â™ª
â™ª P'nei shabbat neqabelah... â™ª
-Where's Miriam? -(singing continues)
Where's Miriam? Where were you?
You're going to answer my question with a question?
If not here, where?
-â™ª Adonai ehad ushemo ehad... â™ª -(door closes)
Sorry I'm late.
-What is that? -What?
That. What are you wearing?
Oh, just...
Long story. What page are we on?
-137. -Well, tell me the story.
-What? -Tell me the story. I want to know.
I borrowed it, okay? I borrowed the coat.
-Let's talk after. -No. Let's talk now.
Mama, shh.
Don't "shh" me! Don't you ever "shh" me!
-Tell me where you got the fur coat! -Rose.
-Mama! -What? Marshall Field?
The label says "Marshall Field." That's in Chicago.
-When were you in Chicago? -Shh!
-What about Marshall Field? -Not now, Chaim.
Why do you have a fur coat?
Really, we are ruining "Lecha Dodi."
Well, I think I deserve
to know some fucking thing, don't I, Miriam?
I mean, don't I deserve to know anything?
Rose, look where we are.
I mean, I clearly, didn't deserve to know that Abe knew
that your husband came back, right?
I clearly didn't deserve to know that the thing
I'd been waiting for all these months,
the reconciliation of Ethan's mother and father...
I-I-I, what, didn't deserve to know that that happened.
Okay, fine! I get that! That's life, but the least
you can do, Miriam, is tell me
where you got the Goddamn fur coat!
(worshipers murmuring)
(silence)
(soft murmuring)
(sneezing)
You see?
â™ª Lecha dodi likrat kallah â™ª
â™ª P'nei shabbat neqabelah. â™ª
(upbeat jazz playing)
(crowd chatter, laughter)
How you doing, Harry? Can I get you anything?
Some ventilation would be nice.
I know you're anxious to get the show started
before your stool softener kicks in.
Appreciated. You know, there's a lot of energy in this room.
It's impressive.
We were turning people away out there.
Thanks for this, Harry. Really.
-I'm gonna go check on my girl. -Go. Be a manager.
Hey, Jerry.
-Where's Midge? -She's in the men's.
What is she doing in the men's?
-Occupied! -SUSIE: It's me!
Come on in.
What are you doing in the men's room?
Getting ready. The women's room was disgusting.
Jackie, how disgusting is the women's room
that the men's room is less disgusting?
I don't know. I don't go in the women's room.
Must be foul, though.
You ready? Crowd is clamoring.
I am ready.
So I was thinking you should go back to starting
with the stuff about your parents first.
Then go to your work stuff... like you used to.
-I was thinking the same thing. -Mm. Simpatico.
MIDGE: So simpatico.
Jackie, do your thing.
Okay, I'm going back with Harry. Break a leg.
You ready, Amanda?
Amanda is ready.
(applause and cheering)
JACKIE: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't applaud me. I'm nobody.
Applaud the young lady coming up.
She has been killing it these past few weeks
right here at the Gaslight.
And tonight, you are witnessing a very special showcase.
So give it up for our own homegrown girl: Amanda Gleason!
(applause and cheering)
Okay, okay.
Guess the checks I wrote to all of you have cleared.
Good to know.
Stop it. Stop it.
Oh, stop.
-She glows, this girl. -That she does.
You ever think about your parents having sex?
(laughter)
Yeah. Yeah, even Freud is like,
"You know what? I'm gonna pass on that one."
But I was at my parents' house
one morning recently, and I heard this sound.
(light laughter)
This scraping noise.
So I went into their bedroom, and there were my parents,
struggling to separate the twin beds.
(laughter)
You know, I'm gonna give my parents' sex life a night off.
I'm gonna give my mother a night off... from me,
-from my mind. -(laughter)
Wouldn't that be nice? What do you say?
-Yeah, what do you think? -(applause and cheering)
No. I-I... I love my mother, I really do.
I just, I wish that sometimes she would just... relax,
not worry about things.
I-I mean, it's not her fault.
She just wants everything to be perfect.
No, no, she wants everything to seem perfect,
to look perfect.
She's like a Jewish Dorian Gray.
-(laughter) -She's so focused on me,
and I don't understand it, because so what if I work?
So what if I get divorced?
So what if I'm alone?
Why do women care about how people look at them or see them?
All women.
Beautiful women, successful women.
WOMAN: Yeah.
Do you know Sophie Lennon?
-(applause and cheering) -MIDGE: Sure.
Sure, yeah, everyone does.
Queen of vaudeville, conquered radio.
She is a comedy icon.
But you know what?
You don't know the great Sophie Lennon.
This is part of her act?
She's a little off book here.
MIDGE: I got to go to her house.
-Sidebar-- it's not in Queens! -(laughter)
In fact, calling that thing a house
is like calling the Vatican a church.
(laughter)
I mean, this woman drips wealth, you know?
Like, if she had been around during the Russian Revolution,
the Bolsheviks would've told the Romanovs, "Ah, never mind.
"Take your diamonds, take your crowns.
We got Sophie Lennon. That'll do us."
-(laughter) -And her poor staff.
I have a feeling that when company leaves,
that's when her butlers and maids do their real jobs--
polishing her silver and her ego.
(laughter)
-What the fuck? -Fat Sophie Lennon.
Right? "Put that on your plate!"
(laughter)
Well, guess what? It's a fucking fat suit.
-WOMAN: What? -(audience gasping)
And there is nothing on her plate.
I ate with her.
All she did was suck a lemon down to the rind,
and when I had the audacity to take a bite of a cookie,
she made me feel like I'd splashed her
with a cup of syphilis.
(laughter, scattered applause)
You know, she gave me a piece of advice
right there in the Blue Room.
She told me that no one would find me funny
unless I do some big, whackadoodle character,
or have a dick.
-(laughter) "Sophie Lennon!"
Really? You're gonna sit in your million-dollar townhouse,
on some chair that's historical
because the Mad King George got the trots on it,
and tell me that men won't think I'm funny
because I don't look like a dump truck?
(laughter)
Why do women have to pretend to be something that they're not?
-WOMAN: Right. -(whistling)
Why do we have to pretend to be stupid when we're not stupid?
-WOMAN: Yeah! -Why do we have to pretend
-to be helpless when we're not helpless? -(whoops, applause)
Why do we have to pretend to be sorry
when we have nothing to be sorry about?
-WOMAN: Amen! -WOMAN 2: Right! -(applause and cheering)
Why do we have to pretend we're not hungry when we're hungry?
(cheering)
Fuck you, Sophie! Put that on your plate!
-(applause, cheering, whistling) -(indistinct shout)
Harry, wait.
-Harry! -MIDGE: Let them not eat cake.
Please.
Harry, wait. Let me explain.
You're dead in this business. You hear me?
You double-cross me, you don't come back.
I told you she was spontaneous.
Do you have any idea what it means to be on my bad side?
-I don't want to be on your bad side. -This town
is gonna become a very uncomfortable place
for you two, Susie.
Fucking count on it.
MIDGE: ...Sophie and my mother.
Now there's a pair.
Let's get those two together.
Maybe my mother will move into Sophie's unoccupied kitchen
and together they can eat lemon wedges for eternity!
(applause and cheering)
As long as the lemons are the best lemons in the world.
Oh, I'm just getting started here.
You don't have anywhere to go, do you, guys?
â™ª A girl in trouble is a temporary thing â™ª
â™ª Temporary, temporary, temporary, temporary â™ª
â™ª A girl in trouble is a temporary thing â™ª
â™ª Temporary, temporary, temporary, temporary â™ª
â™ª There's a time when every girl learns â™ª
â™ª To use her head â™ª
â™ª Tears will be saved till they're better spent â™ª
â™ª There's no time for her to be afraid â™ª
â™ª So instead â™ª
â™ª She takes care of business â™ª
â™ª Keeps a cool head â™ª
â™ª A girl in trouble is a temporary thing â™ª
â™ª Temporary, temporary, temporary, temporary â™ª
â™ª A girl in trouble is a temporary thing â™ª