Here. This is for you.
Thank you.
And I didn't get you anything.
It's your kid's toilet seat.
It's obviously in his way, and I'm tired of cleaning it.
Oh, come on, Berta.
- He's 11. - He's a pig.
I'll talk to him.
While you're at it, you may wanna mention...
...the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest...
...the dead marine life at the back of the closet...
...and the booger collection under the bed.
I'll do my best to address your concerns.
Don't condescend to me, Zippy. I'll snap you like a butter bean.
Excuse me. Is one of you Alan?
I'm Alan.
Oh, good. Charlie wants you to come upstairs.
- Why? - Well, it's kind of hard to explain.
- Try. - Oh, yeah, try.
Well, he's kind of stuck.
- In what? - In what?
Not in anything, just stuck.
Would you hurry?
- Where are you going? - Oh, like I'm gonna miss this?
Charlie? Are you okay?
Do I look okay?
- What happened? - I pulled my back.
I didn't do anything. I was lying there and he started screaming.
- I understand. - I mean, I wasn't just lying there.
- I got it. - Damn, I wish I had a camera.
That's okay. It's all on video.
Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something.
Really? You want my help?
Even after you referred to my profession as, what was it...
..."urban voodoo"?
I'm sorry. Now help me.
Okay. Okay. We'll see what we can do.
Yeah, yeah, okay, very funny, very funny.
Hold on. Berta, I'm gonna need a dead rooster.
Check your kid's room.
Excuse me, Charlie, sorry you're not feeling well, but I have an audition.
- Go. - It's a Wheat Thins commercial.
- I'm an actress. - Of course you are.
I had a nice time, Charlie.
- I'll call you. - Great.
Oh, if you find my tongue stud, let me know.
Okay, let's see what we've got here.
- Is this tender? - A little.
- On a scale of one to ten? - I don't know. Three?
- Okay, what about this? - Four.
And what about this?
I'm gonna need a number, Charlie.
No, no, I changed my mind. Leave me alone.
Oh, don't be a baby.
- Stay away. - I have to examine you.
- It's okay. I'm better. - No, you're not.
- Now, stop moving. - Really, I'm fine. Just don't...
Ten. Ten. That's a ten.
- Are you happy? - Do I look happy?
Let's get you back on the bed so I can give you an adjustment.
No, no, no, no. New plan.
I need someone who can give me drugs.
I'm not holding, but I can make a couple calls.
Drugs just mask the problem.
Fine, mask it. Throw a cape on it, and let it fight crime.
I just want it to go away.
Good news. I think I know where Wheat Thins lost her tongue stud.
For the love of God.
Oh, mommy.
Feeling better?
No, I just passed out for a second.
Berta, I'm gonna take Charlie to the doctor.
- You keep an eye on Jake. - Fine.
Whoa, hey.
And please put his toilet seat back on.
I really think you should put on your seat belt.
Do you now?
Did you forget it took three of us just to put on my shorts?
Suit yourself. I should call your doctor and tell him we're coming.
- What's his number? - I don't know.
All right, I'll call directory assistance. What's his name? Where's he located?
Dr. Schwartz. Beverly Hills.
- You're kidding, right? - Do I look like I'm kidding?
Well, I need a first name.
I remember his receptionist's name. Julie.
Cute redhead with a slight speech impediment.
She called me "Charlie."
I almost asked her out once...
...but I couldn't face the inevitable phone calls.
"I love you, Charlie. Don't leave me."
Yeah, yeah, and your doctor's first name is?
Oh, I have no idea.
Idiot.
Yes, Beverly Hills, California.
Dr. Schwartz.
Yeah, I don't know the first name.
No, I'm not kidding.
There are 128 Dr. Schwartzes in Beverly Hills.
What street is he on?
Wilshire Boulevard, I think.
Wilshire Boulevard, we think.
Okay, we're down to 47 Schwartzes.
Just forget it. Drive down Wilshire. I'll know the building when I see it.
Never mind, we're gonna play...
...Find the Jewish Doctor in Beverly Hills.
Wait, wait. There it is.
Now, you see, that wouldn't have happened...
...if you'd been wearing your seat belt.
Alan, if I can ever use my legs again...
...the first thing I'm gonna do is kick your ass into your throat.
That's not Julie.
- So? - It's just important to me that you know.
- Can I help you? - Yeah, I'm Charlie Harper.
- I need to see my doctor. - Do you have an appointment?
No, but this is an emergency.
He has to get back to Notre Dame and ring the bell.
Oh, I get it. He's hunched over. That's funny.
Yeah, can I see my doctor, please?
- Who's your doctor? - Dr. Schwartz.
- Stanley Schwartz? - Yes, Stanley.
- It's Stanley. - Thank you.
When was the last time you were here?
I don't know. A couple of years ago. Why?
- Dr. Schwartz passed away. - Oh, no.
So where's Julie?
Julie we had to let go.
She was playing a little fast and loose with the old prescription pad.
I'm guessing Valium.
Is there somebody else who can see him?
Yeah, but not Dr. Schwartz's doctor, okay?
Dr. Talmadge took over Dr. Schwartz's practice.
It's a little tight right now, but I could squeeze you in.
That's kind of how this happened.
Oh, my. So this was a sexual injury.
Well, thank goodness you're okay.
This is really gross. Why do I have to do it?
- You want your toilet seat back? - Yes.
Then keep scrubbing.
You know, taking it wasn't funny. I could have broke my butt.
Oh, come on. How could that not be funny?
Don't forget to clean on the outside. That's all you.
- And the floor, and the wall. - Okay, okay.
How in the hell did you hit the wall anyway?
I don't know, it just gets away from me sometimes.
After a day scrubbing toilets...
...I'm betting you'll be able to pee through a Cheerio at 10 paces.
Oh, God.
Oh, jeez.
Hey, guess what.
The Soviet Union is boycotting the Olympics.
My pain is just a big joke to you, isn't it?
I offered to help you, Charlie, and you refused, so...
...yeah.
I'll tell you, if you came to me as a patient in this much pain...
...I wouldn't make you wait. I'd see you right away.
So would my dry cleaner, but I don't let him touch me either.
I could help you, Charlie.
I've already isolated the source of your discomfort.
All that's left would be to realign your vertebrae...
...through a gentle series of manipulations and stretches...
...thereby alleviating your pain.
Well, you didn't explain it like that. That's different.
- So you'll let me work on you? - Not in a million years.
Fine. Worship at the altar of the American Medical Association.
Swallow the pharmaceutical companies' propaganda.
I'll swallow it, I'll sniff it, I'll insert it rectally.
Anything to kill the pain. I'm dying here.
Mr. Harper, I'm Dr. Talmadge.
Hello, doctor.
Hallelujah. It's a miracle.
So I see you're having some back pain.
That will be $ 100, please.
Yeah, it started in my back...
...but now it's kind of radiating out into a body-wide unbearable agony.
You have a really cute little nose, you know that?
- Did the pain start in your lower back? - Best I can tell...
...it's a spasm between L4 and L5.
- Oh, are you a doctor? - Yes, I'm a chiropractor.
So no.
How did this happen?
Well, I slipped.
On an actress.
I can handle this, Alan.
Okay, see, the thing is, I was in the middle of...
An actress.
I'm warning you.
- Do the details really matter? - No, no, I think I got the picture.
There's video if you need it.
Keep it up.
Okay, I see here your last visit was four years ago.
A mild hernia brought about by...
Okay. I think I'm seeing a pattern here.
He's a sexual compulsive with narcissistic tendencies.
Oh, so you're a pretend psychiatrist too.
So, what's the course of treatment here?
A pill, a shot? Maybe one of those epidurals?
First I'm going to get your blood pressure and take x-rays.
- I take blood pressure and x-rays. - Your mother must be very proud.
Actually, no.
Someone will be in to take you to x-ray.
Wait. I'm still in pain.
Try and hang in there. In the meantime...
...maybe your little buddy can give you a massage.
- Can you believe her? - Yeah, she is something else.
Please don't tell me you're interested in that condescending...
...arrogant excuse for a woman.
Pardon me, Alan, but that is a condescending...
...arrogant, hot excuse for a woman.
She's just your typical obnoxious MD.
I'm a doctor. I have special license plates.
I can park wherever I want.
I know where I wanna park.
You're unbelievable. Does your penis have an off switch?
A pause button?
No, just a little freckle.
You're always telling me I should date a better class of woman.
What's classier than a doctor?
Oh, please. Four years of med school, two years of internship...
...a year of residency, and everybody thinks they're so special.
But I'll tell you something. A new day is dawning.
A day of reckoning. And it is spelled HMO.
No more country clubs. No more Cadillacs.
Just sky-high insurance premiums and low, slow, copay reimbursements.
Just like the rest of us.
I'll bet she knows a lot of secret anatomy stuff.
You know, places you touch and the top of your head flies off.
If you have sex with a doctor, there's a chance they'll split...
...in the middle of the night for an emergency.
Well, that's just a price you'll have to pay.
No, no. That works for me.
Okay, I finished the toilet, the shower...
...and the sink. - What took you so long?
I went to the bathroom, and I had to start over.
Take these, and get started on the kitchen floor.
Why? I didn't pee in here.
Okay, once, but it was in the sink.
The sink? How'd you manage that?
It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back...
...and figure the angle.
So tell me about Dr. Talmadge.
- Is she seeing anybody? - Yes.
- Is it serious? - Dog bite.
- No, I mean... - Charlie, give it a rest.
What?
You're sitting here in pain because of a casual sexual encounter...
...and now you're trying to drum up another one.
- Yeah, so? - Don't you get it?
Your entire life is about jumping...
...from one shallow, meaningless relationship to the next.
And?
You're a grown man. You can't go through life...
...drinking and partying and humping anything that doesn't shake you off.
Yes, I can.
But sooner or later, it's gonna catch up to you.
Eventually, you will have to pay the piper.
- Who says? - Everybody says.
Really? Because I'm just hearing you.
If 2000 years of human history has taught us anything...
...it's that there is karmic justice in the world...
...and that when people live the way you do...
...bad things happen to them to even things out.
Well, I don't agree.
It's not up for debate.
It's a law, like gravity.
Oh, I agree with gravity.
Good, we wouldn't want you flying off the planet...
...with nothing to hump but satellites.
If it makes you feel better, something bad happened.
- I'm in excruciating pain. - That's not enough.
Trust me, Charlie. The piper has yet to be paid.
The only question is how high a tab you want before the bill comes due.
Okay. I get it.
Well, good.
So you think I have a shot with that doctor, or what?
It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar.
Who's Piper?
Oh, you poor, clueless bitch. Never trust a drifter with an eye patch.
- Berta. - What?
I'm tired, and my hands are all red and pruney.
I've seen your grades. Get used to it.
How do I know when I'm done?
Don't worry about that, honey, I'll tell you.
Oh, for God's sakes, don't kiss him. He's your brother.
- I have x-rays. - Oh, good. Let me see them.
Oh, golly, no. Only for a doctor.
Hey, I'm a doctor.
Oh, yeah? Where you parked?
Alan, you gotta relax.
You're harboring the kind of resentment that eats away at your insides...
...until you wake up one day peeing blood and crapping into a bag.
Thanks for the advice.
You know the difference between you and me?
I have a functioning liver...
...and somehow, you're gonna get laid tonight.
That's ridiculous, Alan. She's an educated professional.
Probably gonna have to throw a few fancy meals at her first.
Boo-hoo, you'll have to wait a couple of weeks.
Couple of weeks?
Anyway, the difference between you and me...
...is that when life gives me lemons, I make lemonade.
When you get lemons, you just bite into them...
...and suck them inside out.
Okay. Let's see what we've got.
No fractures, no dislocations.
- Looks like just a simple muscle spasm. - Between L4 and L5?
Oh, good for you.
Okay, I am gonna give you a shot, which should ease the pain...
...and also allow your muscles to relax.
Have you had Demerol before?
No, but I've heard nice things about it.
Okay, I'm just gonna pull your shorts down a little.
But Dr. Talmadge, I don't even know your first name.
- Michelle. - Michelle.
That's prettier than Stanley.
- Sorry. - That's okay.
It's all part of the little meet-cute thing we got going here.
So how long does it take before I start feeling...
...happy.
Happy, happy, happy. Happy.
Michelle, did you know I have a house on the beach?
- Really? I love the beach. - Oh, good, because I have a house there.
Wait outside, I need to give your brother a hernia exam to make sure...
...he hasn't reinjured the area. - A hernia exam.
- And your boxers. - Bye-bye, boxers.
I was wrong. There's no justice.
I thought there was justice, but there's not.
What, you think there's justice?
Because there's not.
Turn your head and cough.
- You have very warm hands. - Again.
You have very warm hands.
So any chance I could take you out for dinner tonight?
- You're hitting on me? - You started it.
- You're amazing. - Well, statistically...
...I'm only slightly above average.
But I make up for it with enthusiasm and perseverance.
No, what's amazing is that you don't remember me.
Well, sure I remember you.
You're the pretty woman cupping my testicles from earlier.
Back when I was in medical school, you and I went out for a couple months.
You wanna loosen your grip there?
Then for reasons I never understood...
...you stopped calling me, and started seeing my roommate.
The grip.
I always hoped I'd run into you again.
Please. Just leave me one.
Oh, dear God.
My brother's making lemonade.
I need to go to the bathroom.
So go.
Oh, yeah.
Good night. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Night. - Night.
So, are you gonna tell me what happened with you and the doctor?
What do you think happened?
I think she shot you full of drugs...
...you dropped trou, she jumped your bones...
...and you're the luckiest bastard to walk the earth.
Well, for your information...
...that's exactly what happened.
Not even a little justice.
This is a justice-free zone.
Looking for justice? Sorry, fresh out.
Enjoy sucking on that lemon.
Nope, not yet.