One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven...
What are you doing?
Masticating.
What?
Don't worry, it doesn't mean what you think.
And what do you think I think?
You know...
Okay, I know what I know.
What do you know?
I know that you're supposed to masticate your food
20 times before you swallow.
Yeah, but, uh, what about the other thing?
What other thing?
The thing you thought I was thinking.
I'm sorry, Dad. You lost me.
Morning.
Oh, morning.
Isn't this your day off?
It is, but I need to talk to Charlie.
Well, good luck.
He got home an hour ago,
had a bowl of chili, threw up and went to bed.
He probably threw up 'cause he didn't masticate enough.
Hey, pottymouth, there's a lady present.
Berta, why don't you tell me what you need,
and then you can go enjoy your day off
by spreading sunshine and cheer to others.
It's about the house. I should wait for Charlie.
I live here, too. What's the problem?
I'll wait.
Oh, for God's sake, pretend I'm Charlie.
Talk to me.
Okay.
Hey, Charlie, I've thought it over,
and if you want me to kill your brother,
I'll need the cash up front.
Very amusing.
Thanks. I've been taking an improv class.
Okay, here's the deal.
I got five brothers and sisters.
I'm the middle child, which probably explains
why I'm such a people pleaser.
Uh-huh.
Anyhow, my brother Philip-- he's the second oldest--
he's in the roadside fireworks business,
which is, as you might expect, seasonal.
Now, this creates a lot of economic uncertainty
which has strained his marriage.
Perhaps not as much
as him boinking his wife's half-sister...
...but it's a snowball effect.
Anyway, to make a long story short...
Too late.
Fair enough.
Berta: 1; Zippy: 1.
Anyway, Philip can't live at his house
because, technically, it's a crime scene.
Which is why I wanted to ask Charlie...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You, uh, you want your brother to stay here?
Oh, don't be stupid.
He's staying at my place trying to wean himself
off the meth and the codeine and whatnot.
I want to stay here for a couple of days.
Oh. Oh, um...
That's okay. I'll ask Charlie.
No, you don't have to ask Charlie.
You-you can ask me.
Fine.
Oh, you'd like an answer now.
That'd be swell.
Ah, ah, well, uh, uh, I-I would have to say, um...
uh, after due consideration
and, uh, and, uh, uh, taking into account
all the, uh, uh, factors that are-are involved that...
It would be our pleasure to have you.
Super. Do you mind if I take your room?
M-M-My room? Gee, I-I...
Trust me. You want me to have a room with a private crapper.
Okay. By all means.
Take my room. I'll bunk with Jake.
Thanks.
What do you mean, you'll bunk with Jake?
Is that a problem?
Yes. I need my privacy.
For what?
You know...
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Men.
Never again.
Never, ever, ever again.
You gonna quit drinkin'?
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm gonna quit wakin' up.
What are you doing here?
Isn't this your day off?
It is, but your brother invited me
to be your houseguest for a couple of days.
Did he now?
Well, I was going to ask you,
but Alan said he could speak for both of you.
Did he now?
You got a problem with that?
Don't be silly. You're like family.
Yeah, well, I've seen how you treat family.
Hey, you're always welcome here.
You don't even have to ask.
Morning, Alan.
ALAN: Hey, look who finally...
( smacking sound ) ALAN: Ow!
Berta? Living here?
Are you insane?
She needed a place to stay for a couple of days.
What would you have said?
I would have sat her down and explained my sincere belief
that there are boundaries between employer and employee
which exist specifically to protect said employer
from accidentally seeing the employee
prancing around in her big cotton granny-panties.
All right. Go tell her that.
Okay, I was bluffing.
Look, look, it's just for a couple of days.
We can tough it out.
Yeah, but we wouldn't have to tough it out
if you hadn't presumed to invite someone
to stay at my house without my permission.
Hey, hey, I live here, too.
So do termites!
They don't have guest-inviting privileges either.
You're equating me with termites?
Hell, no. You can get rid of termites.
You know, if I thought you meant that,
I would be really hurt.
Too subtle?
Okay, let me take another tack.
Alan, do you know why I've never accepted
any money from you to stay here?
Well, I assumed you were being compassionate
and generous during a difficult period in my life.
Oh... ( blows raspberry )
It's so you can be here and Jake can be here,
but it remains my house, not our house.
What's the difference?
In my house, what you think,
what you want, what you say doesn't mean squat.
It's just jibber-jabber.
So... so you're saying I have no rights here?
I thought that was understood.
I can't believe we're even talking about it.
Incredible!
I've been living here for two years,
and you still consider me a houseguest. No.
My houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll go get some chardonnay and assume the position.
Hey, don't be letting your mouth write checks
your ass can't cash.
( under breath ): Pompous jerk.
I don't know how you put up with that.
Y-Y-You heard?
Uh, we were whispering.
Must be one of them acoustical anomalies.
I just think it's criminal the way Charlie treats you--
like some kind of second-class citizen.
Second-class?
I aspire to second-class.
You know what the pecking order is in this house?
Charlie, women Charlie sleeps with,
Charlie's bookie, women Charlie hopes to sleep with,
termites, me.
Well, that's just not right.
Yeah, but what am I supposed to do?
I-I-I can't really afford my own place.
I mean, I could, but it certainly wouldn't be on the beach...
unless the beach was Guadalcanal.
It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife
and an ex-wife's house,
and you're not allowed inside either one.
Exactly.
I'm a victim here.
Oh, yeah. You got "victim" written all over you.
But does my brother sympathize?
Do Catholic priests make good baby-sitters?
Listen, you want rights and privileges,
you got to demand them.
Stand up to Charlie. Get in his face.
You know what?
You're right.
And starting now.
Go get him, tiger.
Come here, Charlie.
I want to...
( slap ) ALAN: Ow!
* Men.
Oh, that is so wrong.
Hey.
Hey. You know, Charlie,
you've really got a beautiful view here.
You're just noticing that?
Well, I spend most of my days looking at dirty toilets
and those Rorschach tests you call bedsheets.
Oh. Well, it's nice you're getting a chance
to stop and smell the roses.
Oh, don't get me started on the smells around here.
Hey, listen, Berta, you know,
you know how I feel about you, right?
No, tell me.
Oh, gee, I could never put it into words.
Well... then show me.
Relax, I'm just screwin' with you.
( chuckling )
Good one.
Anyway, uh...
I believe there are certain boundaries
between an employer and an employee...
which is why I think it'd be best if you found...
Oh, I agree with you about the boundaries...
...which is why I've been keeping quiet
about the things your brother says behind your back.
What does he say?
Oh, I don't want to cause problems.
No, no, no, come on, tell me.
Well, let's just say that he doesn't always appreciate
everything you do for him.
You know what the problem is?
I'm a soft touch.
You do have a big heart,
and there are always people out there
who will take advantage of that.
You just wouldn't think it'd be your own brother.
Yeah, that's the saddest part.
But what can I do about it?
Respect's not freely given in this life, Charlie.
You got to demand it.
You're right. It's time for me to stand up for myself.
Good for you.
And while you're up,
would you get me one of those little Japanese beers
you keep in the refrigerator?
Oh, sure. Be right back.
Thanks.
I'm a baaad pussycat.
* Men.
Did you know
your body doesn't digest corn?
It goes out the same way it comes in.
It's like a little bookmark in your poop.
Did they teach you that in school?
Nope. It's the powers of observation.
ALAN: Jake,
that's not dinner conversation.
You're right.
It's dinner cornversation.
See what happens when you don't hit your kids.
Hey, something smells good.
Meat loaf.
Great, I love meat loaf.
Well, you should make some.
I'll give you the recipe.
You didn't make enough for me?
I'm not your chef.
Is that so?
How did you cook the meat loaf?
In the oven. Aha.
My oven.
What's your point?
My point?
Uh...
Oh, don't put me in the middle.
I love you both.
My point is, I'm hungry, and I want meat loaf.
Yeah, well, I'm Alan, and I want respect.
I think I got a better chance at gettin' meat loaf.
You know what, Charlie?
I'm starting to feel like maybe
Jake and I have overstayed our welcome.
No, not at all. Jake's still welcome.
You're the one with the attitude.
My attitude?
I-I thought my attitude didn't count for anything.
That it was just... jabberwocky.
Jibber-jabber, you moron.
Okay, okay, that settles it.
I think it's time we moved.
We?
Yeah, we.
But I'm still welcome.
You'll go where I go.
Can we get a place on the beach?
Sure, if you don't mind living under a lifeguard stand.
Hey, we managed to get by without your help
before we came here, we'll do it again.
Why do you keep saying "we"?
You know what your problem is?
You just don't appreciate all the things I do for you.
Yeah, well, I'm tired of being treated
like a second-class citizen.
Fine. You want to leave, leave.
Maybe I will.
Way to stand up for yourself.
Thank you.
So, are we really out of meat loaf,
or were you just saying that to piss him off?
* Men.
Oh, this looks interesting.
"Two-bedroom. Needs work.
Up-and-coming neighborhood."
What-What does that mean, uh, "Up-and-coming neighborhood?"
It means the Realtor didn't think
he could move the house saying, "Drug-ravaged battlefield."
Okay, we'll keep looking.
Alan, I don't mean to pry, but after alimony and child support,
exactly how much can you afford to spend?
Really?
Yes, really.
Sweetie, my shoes cost more than this.
Well, Mom, you have a lot of shoes.
The ones I'm wearing.
Alan, based on this amount, you don't need a Realtor.
You need someone who sells camping equipment.
Yeah, well, then that's what I'll do.
All right, but may I propose a simple alternative?
I'm not living with you, Mom.
Okay.
Well, then I have a final alternative.
And what would that be?
Run straight to your brother's ass,
and kiss it repeatedly.
Forget it.
I-I can't stay here anymore.
Hey, Red, you want to top this off for me?
Certainly.
May I get you a short stack
and some pork links while I'm at it?
Nah, I'm full.
But as long as we're discussing dining choices,
why don't you bite me?
Oh, goodie.
More loved ones.
Good morning, Charlie.
Let me guess.
Alan invited you to move in.
No. She's helping me move out.
This is a sad day.
We're gonna miss you around here, Alan.
Well, thank you, Berta.
Sad, sad, sad.
Don't you have anything to say, Charlie?
Yeah.
Boo-hoo.
Okay, well, enough of sentiment.
We should really get going.
Apartments in your price range are a long drive from Malibu.
I know, Mom.
A long, long drive.
Got it.
Maybe you should try to go pee-pee
before we get in the car.
Okay!
Would you mind looking after Jake?
If it'll help get you out of here, I'll breast-feed him.
You know, with Zippy out of here,
you're gonna have that nice guest room just going to waste.
Yeah?
So, I was thinking, how about if I become a live-in?
A live-in what?
Housekeeper.
Easier for you, easier for me.
Everybody wins.
Gee, um...
Hold that thought. My coffee just kicked in.
( knocking )
Hey, you want to go down to the arcade and play some air hockey?
No.
Want to go to a movie?
No.
Come on, I'll take you to something R-rated.
See some boobs.
Just leave me alone.
Are you mad at me?
What was your first clue?
Well, frankly, your dismissive attitude toward boobs.
Why are you making us move?
You're not moving.
Well, then why is Dad looking
for another place for us to live?
Because he's trying to teach me a lesson.
Why don't you tell him to stop?
Because I'm trying to teach him a lesson.
What's your lesson?
That it's my house.
What's his lesson?
That he lives here, too.
Okay, I'm just a kid,
but that sounds stupid even to me.
Well, be that as it may, I give you my word,
I am not gonna let you go anywhere.
Promise?
Promise.
Is the boob offer still open?
Come on.
* Men.
How do you pronounce her last name?
Hayek. Salma Hayek.
Wow. Her name's as pretty as her boobs.
Hey.
What's all this?
Found a place.
Fully furnished, ready to move in.
Uh, Jake, I packed most of your stuff.
You may want to check if I missed anything.
Uncle Charlie...?
Listen to your father.
But you said...
I said listen to your father.
( sighs )
I'm just a pawn.
So, where is this place?
In the Valley.
A lovely, uh, Spanish-style complex called
Valley Hacienda.
Good for you.
Two-bedroom.
Pool, Jacuzzi, rec room.
Sounds great.
It is, and we're going.
I can see that.
Well, it's for the best.
I'll finally have a place that's really mine,
and you can go back to living the selfish,
unexamined life you obviously cherish.
Looking forward to it.
Okay, I guess I'm ready to go.
Well, then, uh, I guess we should go.
Need some help?
No, we can handle it.
All right, uh, Valley Hacienda, here we come.
Jake, say good-bye to your Uncle Charlie.
Bye, Uncle Charlie.
Bye, kid.
Jake, go get in the car.
Listen to your father.
I don't think anybody's learning anything here.
Well, uh, thanks for your hospitality.
I'm sorry we overstayed our welcome.
Alan...
I don't want to go.
Please don't make me go.
I love it here.
I love it so much!
I thought you found a nice place.
I was bluffing. It sucked!
They all sucked!
Do you want me to kiss your ass?
'Cause I will literally kiss your ass!
Come on. Turn around.
Alan, cut it out.
I mean it, I mean it. You're the boss.
You know, I'd-I'd rather be a second-class citizen
here in paradise than king of a urine-soaked firetrap
next to Burbank Airport.
Alan, Alan, calm down, calm down.
If you want to stay, you can stay.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you. Oh, Charlie, you have no idea how bad it was.
I mean, I couldn't bring a woman to one of these places.
The only way I'd ever have sex was if I was molested by a rat.
Pull yourself together.
( sniffling )
Now go grab Jake, and we'll all have some dinner.
Okay, okay.
And-And thanks again.
You're welcome.
( sniffling )
Hey, hey, Charlie?
What?
Just before
I-I went down on my knees...
were you about to say something?
I don't think so.
Before I started weeping,
you were gonna tell me to stay.
No, I wasn't.
Okay, you're not fooling anybody.
You'd miss me if I was gone.
Despite
everything you've said, we're brothers,
and we have a bond that's deeper
and more meaningful than any...
He folded, didn't he?
My ass is covered with lip-prints.
Damn.
Well, anyway, uh,
I guess you want to head home and see how Philip's doing.
Who?
Philip?
Your brother?
Detoxing?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Philip.
My brother.
This isn't so bad.
Seems reasonably safe.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sure the Valley Hacienda crack dealers have organized
some sort of neighborhood watch.
We could make this work.
I-I think
it's got a lot going for it.
( jet engine roaring loudly )
I'm not a big fan of the orange carpet,
um, but part of the fun
of having a new place is fixing it up,
making it your own.
( jet engine roaring ) You know, slap on a new coat of paint...
( roaring continues )
...some fresh linoleum on the kitchen floor.
Of course, a little bleach
to take out those bloodstains in the tub.
Or you could just run home
and kiss your brother's ass repeatedly.
Couldn't you just say, "I told you so?"