That's a cool snake tattoo on your back.
Thanks.
It's Anacoth, the demon who eats human souls.
My friend Jeffrey has a dog that eats his own poop.
He tries to lick our face, but we don't let him.
Okay.
Who's that one?
That's the Goddess of the Damned--
she whose name cannot be spoken.
Why, is it hard to pronounce?
What?
We have a friend at school like that.
He's from India.
We just call him Rusty.
No kidding.
Does it hurt to get tattoos?
Yeah, but it's worth it, you know?
Sure.
Once I bit my tongue really hard eating a frozen Milky Way,
but it was totally worth it.
Good morning.
Hey, Dad.
Hey.
Hi, I'm Alan, Jake's dad.
Isabella.
She's a friend of Uncle Charlie's.
I would hope so.
Yeah, and she was showing me her tattoos.
Oh, lucky you.
There was a time when you had to pay a quarter
and go into a tent to see that.
Now, it's right at your breakfast table.
Uh, go get dressed.
I want to see the rest of her tattoos.
Go.
I have a quarter.
Jake.
( sighs ) All right.
Um...
Isabella, I hate to be a fuddy-duddy,
but we try to keep the house smoke-free.
I'm sorry.
Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night.
Yeah, well, Charlie's lungs aren't always
on the same page as his penis.
Morning, baby.
Hey.
( clears throat )
If you don't like it, don't watch.
( moans )
I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower.
You want to join me?
Sure. Just let me get some fluids in me,
so I got something to work with.
Hurry.
Anacoth is hungry.
"Anacoth is hungry"?
She's referring to her snake tattoo.
Oh.
Her vagina's called Linda.
Pretty name.
Uh, listen, I don't want to overstep my bounds.
This is your house and you're free to bring into it
whoever or... whatever you choose.
But I-I do think that I have the right to protect Jake
from being exposed to certain people.
Then you better take him to a hotel for a couple days,
'cause that girl ain't leaving till one of us is dead.
Come on, Charlie.
No, no, no, you come on.
You see a little body ink and a cigarette
and you immediately condemn her, but let me tell you something.
She's smart, she's got a great sense of humor, and in bed,
she moves like one of those paint shakers
at Sherwin Williams.
Nevertheless... I would rather she didn't hang around Jake.
Fine. I'll talk to her.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, unless you want to lather up my fanny,
I'm gonna go hop in the shower with Anacoth and Linda.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men *
* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men. *
* Men.
( screams )
Isabella, I, uh... I didn't hear you come in.
You weren't meant to.
So...
You think I'm a bad influence on your kid?
Uh, well, gee, I-I wouldn't put it that way.
But, you know, kids are, uh, impressionable
and the violent, psychosexual imagery of your...
body art... um, not-not to mention the smoking
aren't necessarily something a young boy needs to...
Why are you taking my hair?
Just a little quirk of mine.
Uh-huh.
I used to collect stamps.
You know, people like you have been persecuting
people like me for thousands of years.
Hmm.
Well, that's a bit hard to believe, seeing as
people like me have historically been victims and food.
But, uh, just for clarity,
who exactly are the people like you?
Those whose eyes are open to a greater reality
than you could ever imagine.
I see.
And do they all collect hair?
Don't mock what you don't understand.
I'm sorry.
I tend to resort to mocking when I'm... totally creeped out.
I don't like you.
Yeah, well... I'm rubber, you're glue...
something, something, something you.
So be it.
( wry chuckle )
So be it.
( scoffs )
Ow!
Ah, damn it.
Ow!
What the hell?
( Isabella chuckling maliciously )
* Men.
ALAN: I don't think so, Mom.
First of all, I'm just not a big fan of costume parties.
Well... yeah, Jake likes "The Wizard of Oz,"
but I just don't think he'd enjoy hanging out
with a bunch of drunken real estate agents
dressed like Judy Garland.
Okay, I'll get him.
Mom wants to ask you something.
Hi, Mom. No.
What happened to your face?
Nothing, I just thought I'd put
little blood-soaked pieces of toilet paper on it.
What do you think?
It suits you.
Hmm.
What's the deal with your eye?
I don't know. I think I'm getting a sty.
Huh.
Might be a bit much with the toilet paper.
I'd go with one or the other.
Thank you for your input.
No problem.
Where are you going?
Isabella's taking me to a party.
She said it's going to be out of control.
Can you imagine what this girl considers to be out of control?
Well, let's see.
Uh, biting the head off a live chicken?
Vivisecting homeless people and playing hacky-sack
with their still-beating hearts?
What the hell are you talking about?
Do you have any idea what Isabella's really into?
So she's a little kinky.
No, no, no, kinky is a feather duster up your butt.
I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.
Oh, please.
Who of us hasn't done that?
To know you is to curse you.
She took my hair.
She took your hair?
Yeah.
Yeah, and then she laughed like
( laughs maliciously )
Oh, well, that's different.
So you see my concern?
Yes, I do.
Good night.
Where are you going?
To pick up a bottle of wine and a feather duster.
( electronica music playing )
You sure my Mercedes is okay parked on the street?
I mean, I gave that crack whore $10 to watch it,
but now I'm thinking, who's watching the crack whore?
Don't worry about your car.
Okay.
So where are all the guys?
How come I'm the only weenie in this pot of beans?
Because this party is in your honor.
Really? What'd I do?
You're a vessel of the masculine life force.
You picked up on that?
I tell people that all the time and they just get snotty.
These women are all my sisters.
They all want to please you.
Well, gosh, that's swell.
Then you're okay with this?
It was my idea.
Let me tell you something, Isabella,
you are just tops in my book.
Hey, this is very tasty.
What'd you say this was?
Secret elixir.
Secret elixir, huh?
Well, I'm usually more of a bourbon guy,
but, push comes to shove,
I don't know what the hell's in that, either.
Oh, boy.
Getting a little fuzzy around the edges.
You got any crackers?
( snaps fingers twice )
He's ready.
You bet your gothic ass I am.
Whee!
Where are we going?
To the altar room.
Oh, boy!
What's the altar room?
It's where we anoint you.
Oh, boy!
I'm getting anointed!
Sounds nasty!
Anoint him.
ALL WOMEN: Anoint him.
ALL WOMEN ( chanting ): Anoint him. Anoint him. Anoint him.
Anoint him. Anoint him. * I can't stop this feeling
Anoint him. Anoint him. * Deep inside of me
Anoint him. Anoint him. * Girl, you just don't realize
Anoint him. Anoint him. * What you do to me...
Morning.
Great googly-mooglies!
What the hell happened to you?
I'm not sure. Looks like you got bit on the face
by one of them ebola monkeys.
I don't think so, Berta.
I mean, you weren't exactly eye candy going in, but...
...now, woof!
you could scare the flies off a manure truck.
Thank you. Until you said that,
I was feeling a little self-conscious.
Aw, you know I'm razzing you, don't you?
Yeah. I mean, it's really not that...
Oh, sweet Lord, I'm gonna lose my Eggos!
Okay, if open mike night in the burn ward is over,
I am just gonna make myself some breakfast
and get out of here before Charlie's new girlfriend gets up.
Why, is she not as compassionate as me?
No. She's just a very creepy woman.
Well, putting aside the whole pot-kettle thing,
creepy how?
Well, she's got tattoos all over her.
I've got tattoos.
And she's got this very dark, hostile attitude.
Okay, you might actually like her.
But I-I just don't want to have anything to do with her.
ISABELLA: Good morning.
Isabella. Hello.
That's a nasty looking eye you've got there.
It's... just a stye.
Right?
What else would it be?
Hey, Vampira...
tell Count Humpula to get out of bed
so I can change his sheets.
Charlie and I are spending the entire day in bed.
We do not want to be disturbed.
Do you understand?
Is it getting cold in here?
Do you understand?
Yep, you betcha.
Thank you.
Bye, Alan.
Take care of that eye.
I will. Thank you.
See what I mean about...
What are you doing?
Leaving. Why?
Did you see that bitch?
You got to put a whole lot of gone
between you and a broad like that.
But-but wait a sec...
Good-bye and good luck.
* Men...
( gasps softly )
( sighs ): Hmm...
Ho!
That is some stye.
Oh, this is no stye.
This is something else. Something evil.
Something ugly.
And you know what, I'm starting to think
your girlfriend did this.
Oh, come on.
Charlie, this isn't just about me.
Have you taken a look at yourself recently?
Oh, man.
It's gonna take more than a little spray-on tan to fix that.
Do you realize how long you've been upstairs with her?
That depends. On what?
On what day it is.
It's Sunday evening. I haven't seen you
since last night when you went to that party.
Oh, yeah, the party.
That was some great party.
What happened?
I have no idea.
Although I did wake up with this.
Oh, my God!
Am I Jewish now?
Charlie, that's not a Star of David, it's a pentagram.
It's a Satanic symbol used to call forth demons from Hell.
Oh, that's not good.
You need to cut Isabella loose.
I can't do that. Why not?
Because together we shall spawn a child named Giglamesh
and he shall bring forth a new age of darkness.
You know what, maybe it is time
to slow this relationship down a little bit.
Slow it down?
You need to drive a stake through its heart!
Is she still here?
Yeah.
Okay, here's the plan.
( loudly ): Um, so, uh, we'll submit to her will
and, uh, serve the Lord Beelzebub with all our hearts.
I'll grab Jake; you start the car.
We'll drive somewhere safe, I'm thinking the Vatican.
Don't be ridiculous.
What are you gonna do?
Well, you said it: we have to cut her loose.
"We?" No, I didn't say "we." I never said "we."
Hear us, O Horned One.
Wrap your dark wings around this young soul
and grant him all the rewards he desires.
Okay, um, hi, Mr. Horned One.
Here's the deal: I'll trade you my soul for...
What do I get, like, three wishes?
He's the Lord of the Underworld, not a genie.
Oh, okay.
Can I talk to a genie?
ALAN: Jake, get over here!
Sorry, Dad, but you're no longer my master.
The hell I'm not! Go to your room!
You know, I'm old enough to choose my own religion.
Go!
How dare you interfere?
Good question.
Alan, tell her... how we dare.
Hey, you brought her here, you get her out.
Are you trying to get rid of me?
Okay, well, no, not-not-not you personally.
This is more of a legal issue.
Uh, it turns out Malibu is not zoned for Satanic rituals.
Or any of the black arts, really.
Right, Alan? Uh, that's-that's true. Uh...
You're fine in Hollywood.
Um...
Pretty much anywhere east of the 405 freeway, actually.
Shut up, Alan.
Just trying to help.
Did you really think that you could just end this?
Uh, I was kinda hopin'.
Don't you realize that our souls are now bound together,
destined to writhe ecstatically in blessed hellfire for all eternity?
Boy, I know how to pick 'em, don't I?
Charlie, do you remember the vows you took last night?
Vows? You took vows? What kind of vows?
If you'll shut up, maybe we'll find out.
You vowed unending fealty to the sisterhood of the coven.
You did that? Why would you do that?
Will you please shut up.
I did that? Why would I do that?
Did you think that all those beautiful women were pleasuring you
because of your boyish charm?
Well, no, not-not- not-not all of them.
I-I... I just figured after the first three or four,
word-of-mouth started to spread.
Wait, wait, uh,
how many women are we talking about here?
I don't know, nine, ten...
13, the sacred number.
And a personal best for me.
How do you have sex with 13 women at one time?
Well, apparently, you have to take some vows.
Okay...
okay, listen, uh, thank the girls for me,
tell 'em I had a wonderful time, but...
I'm gonna have to pass on the fealty stuff.
I have a previous commitment to, you know, God.
It doesn't work that way, Charlie.
If you break your vows, you bring down upon yourself
the ancient curse of betrayal.
Well, that's just the chance I'll have to take.
So be it.
( mocking ): So be it.
Just kidding.
Um, simply out of curiosity,
what-what exactly is this curse?
What-what should I be on the lookout for?
Your crops will wither in the field.
Yeah, okay.
Your cattle will sicken and die.
Uh-huh.
Your manhood will shrivel and become a useless husk.
I gotta fold here, Alan.
Okay, you got me.
What do you say we call the girls over
and start spawning baby Giglamesh?
Charlie, don't do this!
Hey, when she's shriveling your husk, then you get a vote.
Go ahead, call the coven.
( knocking on door )
( chuckles ): Wow...
you gals could make a fortune delivering pizzas.
Mom?
Boo, everybody.
Now, not a word, Charlie.
You are all coming with me to my costume party,
and I'm not taking no for an answer.
Evelyn?
Isabella.
You know each other?
In a manner of speaking.
What are you doing here?
Nothing.
These are my sons.
It was an accident.
I-I had... I had no idea.
Please believe me.
Good-bye, Isabella.
Yes. Good-bye.
Bye, Charlie.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on.
What about the-the vows, the curse and the shriveling?
I have no idea what he's talking about.
What? She's in my Pilates class.
Okay. I'll buy that.
Now, are you coming to my party,
or are you gonna give me a hard time?
I'm coming to the party.
ALAN: Me, too.
Jake! Come get your costume!
What's Mom gonna wear? Shut up.
* Men...
Grandmommy doesn't want to be late to her costume party.
Oh, come on, boys, sell it.
Very nice!
Now fly, my pets, fly!
I call shotgun.
( screaming laughter )