"Mudslide Kills 600 Religious Pilgrims."
And yet, both my ex-wives live on.
Morning.
Uh-oh.
Not again. Please, not again.
Thank God.
Always in the last place you look, huh?
Uh-huh.
Have a nice day.
(weakly): You, too.
Yeah, Phil, it's Charlie.
Put me down for a grand on Detroit tonight.
What's the line now?
Well, excuse me.
But don't you think if the gambler is awake,
it behooves the bookie to be up as well?
All right, well, call me when you get off the can.
Are you aware that your sleepover buddy
was packing heat? Oh, yeah.
Any hotter and she'd have burned my pubes clean off.
Charlie, a gun in the house?
Relax, she's a cop.
Or was a cop.
Or is wanted by the cops.
I know she mentioned cops.
Unbelievable. So this was another one-night stand?
Unless she comes back for her handcuffs, yeah.
Boy, how much satisfaction can you get from that?
Handcuffs?
Not really my thing.
But, hey, she probably did some stuff last night
that might not have been her first choice.
No, I mean,
how can you possibly get any satisfaction
from an endless series of alcohol-soaked one-night stands?
And even as the words are coming out of my mouth
I realize it's a stupid question, so forget I said it.
She's married to a cop.
You know, I hate to see you wasting your life
having drunken sex with women you don't care about.
Well, who asked you to move back in and watch?
You know who was good for you?
Don't go there, Alan.
Mia.
She was beautiful, she was smart.
She got you to clean up your act.
I'm telling you, Charlie, letting her go
was the stupidest thing you've ever done.
You're going there, Alan.
I'm just saying you had this fantastic woman
who was willing to marry you and you just threw it away.
And for what?
Okay, you're there.
You want to know why I gave up Mia?
I'll tell you why I gave up Mia.
I gave her up for you.
Oh, oh, for me? Yeah.
Yeah, for you.
She wanted you to move out so we'd have the house
to ourselves, but I said no way.
I am not throwing my brother out on the street.
Wow.
What a loving gesture.
Oh, bite me.
And you know what you did?
You married Candy and moved out anyway.
So if you want to know
why I let the best thing that ever happened to me get away,
it's so the worst thing that could ever happen to me
would have a place to live.
Oh.
(mimics): Oh.
Well, I...
I guess it all worked out for the best, huh?
How do you figure?
Well, think about it.
If Mia had been living here when Candy kicked me out
and I came back...
would've been a very awkward situation.
Oh!
ALAN: Charlie?
Huh?
Oh. Yeah.
Awkward.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
*Ah. * Men. *
not my psychiatrist.
If I want to bet every single game in the country
with money I don't have, that's my business.
Thank you.
Now, let's talk boxing.
Really?
There's no fights anywhere tonight?
Okay, well, how are you and your wife getting along?
What? It'd be a fair fight.
She's got, like, 50 pounds on you.
Hello?
My luck. I got to have a bookie
who's afraid to fight out of his weight class.
Aren't you a little worried that all this betting
might be turning into a problem?
Alan, if you don't bet big,
you can't cover your losses.
And if you can't cover your losses,
a large man with a tire iron
puts your address into MapQuest, at which point,
you have to sneak across the Mexican border
dressed in women's clothing.
Now that's when you have a problem.
Well, you know best.
You hungry?
I made your favorite sandwich.
Turkey, ham and pastrami.
Gobble. (snorts) (moos)
No, thanks.
Okay. Uh, how about something sweet?
Key lime pie.
Yummy, yummy.
Look, Alan, I appreciate your sucking up,
but you can't fill the gaping wound in my heart
with deli meat.
And pie.
Yummy.
Can't we just leave it alone?
Can we not grind on and on
about the stupidest thing I've ever done?
Okay, okay, I'm sorry I said that.
Giving up Mia was not
the stupidest thing you've ever done.
It certainly wasn't as stupid as when you came back from Rio
with that gorgeous model-- you know, the one
with the Adam's apple and the really big hands?
You know, I'm going to give you some space.
I'll maybe go for a nice drive.
(sighs)
(door opens)
Forgot my keys.
Aah! Oh!
Uh, you know what?
They-They must have slipped out
of my pocket and into the couch.
Um...
Excuse me. Sorry.
(grunting)
Right. Sorry.
(grunting)
Oh.
Found some change.
Oh, uh, look.
Is that a quarter in your ear?
(groaning)
(grunting)
Tada!
Very impressive.
* Men.
MAN: * Hey-eh, he-ee, ya-ah, oh-oh
* Hey-ey, he-ee, ya-ah, oh-oh, oh *
(high-pitched): * Ahh...
(man scat singing scales)
What is that?
Steven Tyler rented the house next door.
(singing continues)
The-The guy from Aerosmith?
I lost my virginity to him.
You-You know, his music.
Thanks. I was confused.
(loud, howling scat singing)
Apparently getting ready for a tour.
So what's...?
(loud scat singing continues)
...in the box?
Oh, I just went out and picked you up a little something
I thought might put a smile on your face.
Alan, the only thing in this box
that could possibly put a smile on my face is your severed head.
(laughing)
Good one.
Zing!
Come on, open it.
(scat singing continues)
A hat?
A very expensive hat.
Since when do I wear hats?
Well, you don't, but, uh, I saw it, and it seemed so you.
You know, cool, rakish, yet, forgiving.
Okay, fine, I forgive you.
Oh, thanks. Thanks.
Aren't you going to try it on?
No.
If you really forgave me, you'd try it on.
(sighs) (scat singing continues in distance)
Oh, yeah.
That is you.
Let's, uh, let's try tilting it a little bit here.
Oh, baby.
(laughing): You got to see this.
Yeah, come on inside, we'll take a look.
Charlie, you coming?
What's going on?
You should leave, Alan.
Why?
Just trust me.
All right.
(scat singing continues)
(scat singing continues loudly)
Hey, Tyler, take a pause for the cause!
Ah, sorry, man.
(shouting): Thank you and good night!
Hi, Charlie.
Rose.
How cool is it that Steven Tyler moved in next door?
I lost my virginity to him.
You mean his music?
No.
Nice hat.
Thanks.
Boy, you look like hell.
Well, that's strange, 'cause I feel like crap.
How long do you think you can keep it up?
What exactly are we talking about?
The excessive drinking, the obsessive partying,
the compulsive gambling.
Oh. Hard to say.
I try and take it one day at a time.
You do realize
this is all just an attempt to avoid feeling your feelings.
Let me tell you something about feelings.
Feelings are like your mother's breasts.
You know where they are, but they're best left unfelt.
It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out
that a mother's breasts are a source
of nourishment and comfort?
Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source
of silicone and Russian vodka.
Not good for child-rearing,
but she was a big hit at parties.
Charlie, I know how much it hurt you to give up Mia,
and I know you don't like that feeling,
but the more you try to get rid of it,
the more it's going to come back.
Oh, yeah.
Perfect fit.
It's like somebody measured your head while you were asleep
so when your brother called she could tell him the size.
* Men.
Hey, Uncle Charlie, guess where I'm finally growing hair.
Come on, man, I'm eating.
Right here.
I'm growing a 'stache.
Oh, yeah.
Look at that.
Hey, cool hat. Whose is it?
Yours.
Really? Yeah.
It looks great with the 'stache.
You know, it just occurred to me
that I have been feeling guilty
because you called off your wedding to Mia
so that I wouldn't have to move out.
But then when I did move out,
you didn't call her.
Yeah, so?
So, you know why I think you didn't call her?
You didn't call her because the whole
I don't want to throw my brother out on the street business
was a very convenient and noble excuse
to get out of the marriage.
That's what you think, huh?
Yes, that's what I think. That's what you think?
You heard me. That's what I think.
Yeah, well... think again.
Admit it, Charlie, I've been beating myself up,
buying you pie and hats
for nothing.
(deep voice): There's pie?
There was. Berta ate it.
And-And... And why is he wearing your hat?
I gave it to him.
I bought this hat for you.
And I gave it to Jake.
You can't commit to anything, can you?
It's just a hat!
It's not just a hat. It's a symbol.
Of what?
Of...
Okay, it's just a hat, but
the point is, you have nobody to blame
for your miserable, lonely existence but yourself.
And you can drink, gamble and hump all you want,
but one day, you're going to have to face that fact.
Drink, gamble and hump!
Yeah, well, I don't have to face anything
I don't want to face,
and I don't have to feel anything I don't want to feel,
and that includes Mom's vodka knockers.
Who is this Vod Kanockers that you speak of?
Eat your dinner.
The name's Kanockers.
Vod Kanockers.
* Men.
Charlie?
Shh.
You okay?
Just dandy.
Would you close the blinds?
Come on, let's get you inside.
Looks like you had a tough night.
(grunts)
No, the night was great.
It's the morning that's killing me.
Hey, Alan?
What?
You were right.
I can't keep running away from my feelings.
Well, I'm glad you realize that.
You're a wonderful brother.
And this is a beautiful hat.
Thank you.
(Charlie retching)
Charlie, you okay?
I'm fine.
The hat's not so good.
* Men.
Hey, Berta, want to see my armpit hair?
Only if you want to see mine.
Hey.
You know that's my juice.
I know.
You could at least ask.
You could at least pay rent.
Touché.
(phone ringing)
If that's a bookie or a woman, you know what to say.
Harper residence.
Sorry, he's dead.
Interesting. No one ever calls back
to find out where to send flowers.
Touché.
BERTA: How's it feel to go
a whole week without booze, broads or betting?
It's actually kind of a relief.
I never realized how much effort it took
to avoid feeling anything.
Yeah? Well, what are you feeling now?
So far, mostly nausea and boredom.
Touché.
You don't know what that means, do you?
Not a clue.
Hey, if girls with big boobs work at Hooters,
where do girls with only one leg work at?
Ihop!
That's just cruel.
(chuckling): Actually, it's kind of funny.
Yeah, 'cause they got one leg, they have to hop.
Right. I hop.
(laughing)
Tipping your waitress takes on a whole new meaning.
(laughing)
It's not that funny.
I know.
Then why are you laughing so much?
I don't know.
Dad, something's wrong with Uncle Charlie.
What's going on?
(laughing): Hey, Jake,
tell your dad
how one-legged girls work at Ihop.
Oh, no.
I gave away the joke.
I'm so sorry, Jake.
(voice breaking): I've ruined everything.
Is he okay?
He's fine. His feelings are coming to the surface.
Oh, like when Mom gets PMS.
Well, kind of.
Hang on, Uncle Charlie.
I'll get you some chocolate.
* Men.
What's he making out there?
A lanyard.
He's got a lot of free time now,
so I gave him one of Jake's old hobby kits.
You know, so he'd have something to do.
I'm surprised he's not making a vagina
out of macaroni and bottle caps.
Over, loop, around.
'Round the block and then downtown.
(harmonica playing blues)
Over, over.
Loop, around.
'Round the block, and then...
Yo, dude, some of us are trying to do crafts here!
TYLER: What?!
Can you lay off the harmonica-playing?
Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica.
They pay to hear you sing.
They tolerate the harmonica!
Sorry I don't measure up to your musical standards,
you lame ass jingle-writer!
All right, let's see
how you play harmonica out your other end.
Now, now, now, now, let's slow down here. Come on.
TYLER: Let's see what you've got, jingle balls.
Okay, I'm gonna rip off your big, fat lips
and use 'em to kiss my ass!
Charlie, please, please.
You know your emotions are a little bit frayed right now.
Right, right. Okay, okay.
I'm better.
(Tyler imitating chicken)
That's it!
No, Charlie. Charlie, wait!
Charlie, don't do this!
CHARLIE: Come on, Tyler, you want a piece of me?
You know, the dude may look like a lady,
but you fight like a little girl.
Did it ever occur to you to help me out?
Well, yeah, but once you were cowering
under his picnic table, I figured the worst was over.
Oh, quick thinking squirting that bottle of sunblock at him.
I was hoping it would get in his eyes and blind him.
Yeah, well, all you did was keep him
from getting a nasty burn while he beat the crap out of you.
Please, Alan, I'm begging you.
Okay. It's not right to kick a man when he's down.
Thanks.
Too bad Steven Tyler didn't feel that way, huh?
You were right about Mia.
I got cold feet, so I used you as an excuse
to call off the wedding.
I am so proud of you, Charlie.
This-This is a real breakthrough.
Doesn't it feel liberating
to finally hear yourself admit the truth?
Well, I feel something.
But since I'm also hearing a high-pitched whistle,
it might just be a concussion.
* Men.
What you making?
A needlepoint sampler.
No kidding.
I find it very calming, and the message helps center me.
"God bless Vicoden?"
Pretty good, huh?
You spelled Vicodin wrong.
(knock at door)
That's the great thing about Vicodin.
I don't care.
Hey, is Charlie here?
Uh, who may I say is calling?
It's okay, Alan.
Hey, Chazz, thanks for the gift.
You're welcome.
So no hard feelings?
Nah. You?
Why would I have hard feelings?
I'm still pickin' pieces of your ass out of my boot.
Good one.
Okay, well,
good luck with the tour.
Thanks a lot, man.
Who's the sponsor? Metamucil?
What was that?
Nothing, nothing.
Um, I just want to say, I'm a huge fan.
Um, I lost my virginity to you. Really?
Well, you know,
there's a lot of the '70s I don't remember.
Isn't that the hat I got you?
Yeah.
The hat you threw up in?
I had it cleaned...
but I'll always know.