'cause I'm drunk, aren't you?
Yeah, I'm a bad girl.
Lucky for both of us, I don't judge.
JAKE: It's not my fault!
ALAN: Then whose fault is it?
JAKE: I told you. Uncle Charlie.
I thought you lived alone.
I do.
I leave the TV on to deter criminals.
ALAN: Charlie,
did you tell Jake he could use your computer?
(scoffs)
Just take what you want and don't hurt us.
Go ahead and tell him, Uncle Charlie.
No one's talking to you.
Can you explain to me why I caught him watching
a Quicktime movie called Vanessa Does Van Nuys?
Hey, meet Vanessa.
Why don't you hop upstairs?
I'll be right there.
Okay.
Hey, Dad, can we move to Van Nuys?
No.
VANESSA: Hey,
whose skateboard? Mine.
Wow. It's really rad.
Thanks.
So's your movie.
Thanks.
We're working on a sequel.
Yeah, I'm gonna do Woodland Hills next.
Hop, hop, hop, hop.
Can we move to Woodland Hills?
Forget Woodland Hills.
Excuse me. We were talking
about the dirty movie on your computer.
I'm sorry. I forgot it was on there.
You can't forget things like that
when you have a child in the house.
I'm not a child.
And I don't have him.
No one's talking to you,
and that's no excuse.
Look, it's not hardcore.
It's mostly her
and a couple of friends having a pajama party.
I didn't see pajamas.
Shut up. Go away.
Again, I'm sorry.
Mea culpa.
Now, if you'll excuse me, mea goin' upstairs.
For a culpa hours.
BERTA: Hey, Charlie,
who do I work for-- you
or this fastidious parasite
you call a brother?
I get the feeling you want me to say me.
Me. Definitely me.
She works for me.
Well, then, tell her when something
is on the shopping list, she should in fact shop for it.
I'm gonna slug him. Can I slug him?
Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Because it is a big deal.
No, it's not. The hell it isn't.
Hey, what is going on here?
It's very simple.
I have decided to start drinking acidophilus milk.
It promotes intestinal flora which aids in healthy digestion.
Anyway, for three weeks,
I have been writing it on the shopping list,
yet Berta insists on bringing home two percent.
Slug him.
This is my life.
Milk and skateboards.
(thudding)
It's a good thing I'm drunk.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Men.
Extra large eggs.
Acidophilus milk.
Two percent milk, you whiny pinhead.
Morning.
Hey, how you feeling?
Not too bad really.
That was some fall you took.
Yeah, if I hadn't been plastered,
it might have killed me.
You'd think the liquor industry would promote that.
It is a selling point.
Right up there with making ugly people doable.
Two percent-- the king of milk.
He's got to go, Charlie.
What am I going to do, Berta, he's my brother.
We could make it look like an accident.
(doorbell ringing)
No, no accidents.
As long as my mother's alive nothing happens to Fredo.
Hi.
I am sorry to bother you, I'm just moving in next door.
Really?
You're my new neighbor?
Thank you, God.
Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and introduce myself.
Danielle Stewart.
Charlie Harper.
Nice to meet you, Danielle.
Come on in. Oh, thank you.
We'll have a "welcome to the neighborhood" drink.
It's 9:00 a.m.
You're right, who drinks at 9:00 a.m.?
I wouldn't mind a cup of coffee.
Great.
Oh, Berta? (angrily): What?!
My faithful housekeeper.
Would you be so kind
as to bring a cup of coffee for our new neighbor?
Sure.
Luckiest S.O.B. on the planet.
Please. Thank you.
So, Danielle, what brings you
to our little stretch of paradise?
Me? Well, I just got tired of the cold winters in Chicago.
Well, I don't want to scare you away,
but winters here the mercury can dip down to the mid-60s.
Oh, how will I stay warm?
I recommend the buddy system.
You're cute.
I know.
So, what did you do in Chicago?
Well, for the last eight years
I've had a full-time career
trying to spend my divorce settlement.
Oh, a working woman.
Well, buying a Malibu beach house
ought to take a big chunk out of that settlement.
Yeah, you'd think.
Whoa.
Anyway, I've had my fun.
I want to settle down, get serious with my life.
Oh, yeah, me, too.
No kidding.
So, are you married?
Me? Uh... no.
Are you looking to get married?
Uh... no.
Do you like children?
Uh... no.
So how do you define getting serious with your life?
Well, I've stopped drinking in the morning.
Hey, Berta, where's that coffee?
You men are all alike.
Isn't there anyone left who just wants to get married
and raise a family?
Yeah, but they're all gay.
Here we go.
Thank you.
Oh, you wouldn't happen to have any acidophilus milk, would you?
Walk me through this again.
She's beautiful, rich, divorced
and you want to hand her off to Zippy the Chimp?
Follow my reasoning here.
This is a woman looking to settle down.
If I sleep with her, I'm happy for one night.
But if I teach my brother to sleep with her,
he falls in love, asks her to marry him,
moves out and I'm happy for the rest of my life.
It's a nice plan, but it'll never happen.
Don't-don't-don't say that.
(spitting)
Unjinx, unjinx, unjinx.
Charlie, she is way out of his league.
I know that. Everybody is out of his league.
He doesn't even have a league.
He's just a kid with a bat and a ball and a football helmet.
But luckily he has me.
Color me dubious.
ALAN: I'm home.
Come on, I need you to be with me on this one.
It'll never work.
Voila.
This...
is acidophilus milk.
It's on the shelf below the two percent
right next to the low-fat yogurt.
Boy, does your brother have a girl for you.
What?
She just moved next door.
She's gorgeous, divorced and loaded.
Mm-hmm. What's wrong with her?
Why does something have to be wrong with her?
Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman.
Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed
or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy
while you do the pretty girl,
or...
okay, I guess there's just one reason.
There is nothing wrong with Danielle.
Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?
Hey, I'd do her.
If she's so great, why are you giving her to me?
You want the truth?
It'd be a nice change of pace.
All right, first of all,
I am sorry about the hermaphroditic incident.
"I'm sorry" doesn't make up for leaving me in a hotel room
with a girl who had a vestigial penis.
I didn't know.
I was as surprised as you were.
Charlie, no one was as surprised as I was.
But let's move on.
I'm not saying I didn't try to hit on our new neighbor,
because I did.
And? I got nowhere.
She saw him for the mindless meat-seeking missile that he is.
Anyway... I just thought you two might hit it off.
I'm even making a little welcome basket
for you to give to her, see?
So, she's beautiful, rich and single?
Right.
Why would she want me?
What kind of thing is that to say?
Why wouldn't she want you?
I'm broke, middle-aged, twice divorced
sleeping on your on your hide-a-bed
and sharing custody of a flatulent, underachieving son.
We're gonna need a bigger basket.
You're gonna need chloroform and a rope.
* Men...
Just remember, the most important thing
is to project confidence.
Got it.
How do I look?
Just project confidence.
Here, you give her the welcome basket.
All right, what do I say?
"Welcome."
Good, that's good.
Oh, hi.
Welcome.
Danielle, this is my brother Alan.
Alan, Danielle.
Alan just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.
Welcome.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Would you like to come in?
I don't know, she seems kind of busy.
Maybe we should come back... Go, go, go.
I am sorry that the place is such a mess.
Don't be silly.
Moving takes time, right, Alan?
Oh, yes.
I remember the last time I moved,
it was very time-consuming.
I had to collect boxes and those packing peanuts,
and boy, those things get everywhere.
Hey, you know, that's summer sausage, not salami.
A lot of people confuse the two.
Interesting.
So, why don't I
open up this wine
and we can toast to my new home.
Good idea.
None for me. Red wine makes me gassy.
I'm sorry, I don't have anything else to offer.
I haven't had time to go grocery shopping.
Well, then you must be starving.
Alan, I think we should take this young lady out to dinner.
But I was planning on warming up the pot roast from Sunday night.
The pot roast will keep.
I don't know, it's right on the edge.
Forget the pot roast.
So what do you say? We could walk up the beach
to Georgio's and grab a bite.
You know, that sounds wonderful.
Let me just throw on some clean clothes.
Terrific.
Great. I will be right back.
Huh? Huh?
She's incredible.
Incredible my ass,
she's perfect.
Okay, a couple of pointers.
First off,
you never open with "gassy."
I know that. It just came out.
It's all right, it's all right.
No, no permanent damage.
Now what's going to happen here
is I'm going to bail on dinner
so you two can be alone.
Really?
'Cause Georgia's is kind of pricey.
Oh, geez.
Here, tip big.
Don't agonize over the math.
I don't agonize.
I just take the sales tax and double it
which is roughly 15%.
Unless, of course, the service is less than impeccable
in which case I leave a flat five dollars.
Alan, it's my money, go crazy.
Fine, 18% it is.
Now, dinner conversation.
Don't talk about your boring job, your petty problems
or your stupid hobbies.
What else is there?
Her petty problems, her stupid hobbies.
No woman ever came home from a date complaining
that all she did was talk about herself.
Oh, that's good.
And that way, I remain an enigma.
Yeah, let's call you an enigma.
All righty, do I look okay?
You look beautiful, fantastic.
Right, Alan?
Welcome.
Okay, let's go.
Let me just lock up.
Oh, no...
What do you mean you have to go?
I mean, uh, what's wrong?
I just remembered I have some work I need to do.
Oh, no!
Oh, what a shame.
Maybe we should do this another time.
BOTH: No, no.
You two go ahead, enjoy yourselves. Are you sure?
He's sure. Let's go. Okay.
See you later, Charlie.
So, Danielle, you got any hobbies or problems?
Yes, I know she's hot.
But I'm thinking long-term, so shut up!
* Men...
Hey. Hey.
Where have you been?
Stuck in traffic.
Danielle's coming over in a few minutes.
Got to shower and change.
Wow, you two are going out again?
What can I say, Charlie?
The girl digs my mojo.
When did you get mojo?
Scoff if you like,
but that woman is entranced by the enigma
that is Alan Jerome Harper.
Unbelievable-- your plan is working.
Told ya.
There must be something wrong with that girl.
There must be a lot wrong with that girl.
Well, then it's a match made in heaven.
There's something wrong with her
and we know there's something wrong with him.
(doorbell rings)
Yeah, and before you know it, he'll move out,
they'll get married
and we'll be wondering what's wrong with their kids.
Hey, Charlie.
Hey, Danielle. Come on in.
Thank you. Oh, man.
If the kid wants to kill me
why doesn't he just cut my brake line?
Alan's in the shower.
Am I too early?
No, no. No, he's been living here for three years.
You want a drink?
No, thank you.
I'm trying to cut down.
Really? Why?
Long story.
Alan takes long showers.
Longer when he's not dating.
Thank you, Berta.
So, tell me your story.
It's a little embarrassing.
Hey, all the good drinking stories are.
After a night of partying
at the Pomona State Fair,
I once woke up on a tilt-a-whirl wearing nothing
but a grass skirt and a tiny sombrero.
No kidding?
I've still got the sombrero.
Okay, your turn.
All right, um...
the reason my marriage didn't work out...
the reason none of my relationships work out,
is because I tend to drink a little too much
and then do things I regret.
And by "things," you mean...?
Men.
Huh.
And the occasional woman.
Huh.
Well, as stories go, I'd say this is a good one.
At least yours doesn't end
with a toothless carnie offering you a churro.
You know, I had a feeling you'd understand.
Alan is very sweet,
but the guys I usually go for are more like... well, you.
Huh.
Anyway, I think I am ready for a nice normal relationship.
No more getting blitzed and falling into bed
with the first guy who asks me.
Or a girl.
Or a couple.
Huh.
Huh-huh-huh-huh.
(clears throat)
Excuse me.
Okay, new plan.
I'm going to boink Danielle
and Alan's going to live here forever.
Quelle surprise.
Hello.
It's not your night, Alan.
What?
Danielle, she's not right for you.
But you said she was perfect for me.
I was wrong.
She's sick and twisted.
That makes her perfect for me.
I'm sorry, I'm not following.
I was talking to her out there
and it turns out she's a boozehound and a sex freak.
What?
I haven't seen that in her at all.
I mean, I got a good-night kiss, but she was perfectly sober
and her tongue did nothing freaky.
That's because she's trying to hide who she really is.
Who's that? Me!
She's me, Alan, top to bottom,
except, you know, from here to here.
So what is you want me to do, step aside
so you can lead her back to a life of sordid degradation?
If you wouldn't mind.
No! No! No!
You gave her to me.
There's no takebacks.
All right, fine.
We'll just let her make her own decision.
All right, all right, may the better man win.
You would be rooting for the shriveled man.
Oh, now, just a little.
You got it.
That is a beautiful dress.
Whoops.
Ooh.
Sorry.
That's okay.
Mm...
buttery...
with a slight citrus finish.
Hmm.
Ah!
You know wine.
Okay, Danielle, we'd better get going
if we're gonna make that reservation.
You're right. Well, thanks for the wine, Charlie.
Whoa, whoa, what's the hurry?
I was going to make a pitcher of margaritas.
Ooh, I love margaritas!
Be right back.
Gee, Danielle, do you really want to sit here
and drink with Charlie?
Oh, yeah, you're right, Alan.
You're a nice guy.
You're good for me.
Okay, Charlie, we're leaving!
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
If you don't have time for margaritas,
I could mix one up in your mouth.
Cut it out, Charlie.
I know what you're trying to do?
What are you talking about? I'm being a good host.
(hushed): You're taking advantage of Danielle.
No, no, I respect Danielle for who she is.
ALAN: So do I. No, you respect Danielle
for who she's pretending to be.
I don't get you-- why did you bother
putting us together in the first place?
Because I thought she was dull and boring like you.
and I had hoped the two of you would go
and be dull and boring at her house!
That was really your plan? That's insane!
It would have worked if she wasn't a drunken slut!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
There is no need to fight over me.
Alan, you're a sweet gentle guy.
Charlie, you're a pig.
But I find you very attractive.
There's only one reasonable solution.
I have to do you both.
No crossing swords.
Are you out of your mind?
You're actually considering this?
Yeah, you're right.
I don't even like eating dinner next to you.
Thank you
for your generous offer,
but I'm afraid we must decline.
But mostly he's afraid.
I should have known.
Not a pair between you.
Well, if either of you change your mind,
you know where to find me.
(gasps)
Okay, you can have her.
* Men...
"One pound salted butter...
"one dozen extra-large eggs...
one acidophilus milk for the whiny pinhead."
I thought I was the only one who drank this stuff.
What? Are you kidding me?
It's all I drink.
You know, for the intestinal... fauna.
That's all you drink?
Well, I've been known
to add a few fingers of vodka.
Kind of a acidopha-tini.
You're cute.
So I've been told.
I can't. I promised Berta I'd get the groceries.
You're right. You're always right.