ALAN: Hey, Charlie, would you see who that is?!
It's Death!
ALAN: Hi, Mom!
Your gardener left this in the driveway.
It wasn't a gardener, it was a girl with a grudge.
So how was your friend's funeral?
Oh! Terribly disappointing.
Yeah, in my experience,
nothing kills a party like a dead broad in a box.
Don't be glib, Charlie.
Hello, Alan.
Oh, hey, Mom.
Wow, you look nice.
Yes, mourning becomes me, doesn't it?
If only more of my friends would die.
I'm sure the feeling's mutual.
Charlie, as long as you're over there,
make Mommy a drink.
It's been a very depressing afternoon.
Thanks for spreading it around.
Can you believe, two of Cynthia's three children
didn't even bother showing up at her funeral?
And the one who did was drunk and cracking tasteless jokes
about his mother all throughout the service.
You didn't happen to jot any of them down, did you?
And it wasn't just the children.
The crowd was very sparse
and there was virtually no mourning.
Well, that's understandable, isn't it?
You said no one really liked this woman.
Oh, she was a hateful shrew, but still.
Fortunately,
I was able to draw on my theater background
and work up a good cry.
Sense-memory.
I remember the time
I wasn't cast as Blanche Dubois in Streetcar.
You're a good friend, Mom.
I know. I'm just glad that when my time comes,
I won't have such a humiliating sendoff.
Right?
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Of course.
Well, I'm going to go freshen up.
Even fake tears can ruin one's mascara.
Speaking of which,
whoever did Cynthia's makeup should be shot
and buried beside her.
She looked like a varnished clown.
You'll go to Mom's funeral, won't you?
Of course. As the eldest son,
it's my obligation to pound in the stake.
Typical-- nothing for Alan to do.
Okay, you can cut off her head
and hold it up for the villagers.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ah, ah. * Men. *
Leaving before Mom gets out of the bathroom.
I thought we were taking her to dinner.
I can't listen to her anymore.
It just blows my mind that she can go on and on
about her toxic friend's sad little funeral
when we both know she's going to end up exactly the same way!
I don't disagree,
but there's an option to running away from her.
Yeah, but we'd get caught
and you'd sell me out for a reduced sentence.
We could tell her the truth;
that she's just as toxic as her late friend
and that that's the way she's gonna be remembered.
Are you on crack?
Maybe if she realized how people see her,
she might make an effort to change.
If she realized how people see her,
she'd just get new people.
What are we gonna say, Alan?
"Hey, Mom, you're a crazy she-bat
"and the only way people will come to your funeral
"is if your delighted sons
"turn it into a three-day beer bash
with go-go dancers."
Well, we wouldn't start there.
All right, Cynthia's in the ground, my face is on,
I look stunning in black; let's go to dinner.
Just follow my lead.
Um, Mom...?
Yes, dear.
Alan thinks you're a crazy she-bat
and no one will mourn at your funeral either.
We're telling you this because we love you.
I see.
Look, Mom, you have to realize
that you're not that different from Cynthia.
I most certainly am!
Come on, Mom, you speak ill of everyone,
even your closest friends.
You, you manipulate people,
you're an unbelievable narcissist,
you're self-obsessed...
That's a bit redundant, isn't it?
You find fault with everything,
...and frankly, I don't know anyone
who enjoys spending time with you,
let alone would cry at your funeral.
That's one point of view.
Charlie,
I notice you haven't said anything.
Actually, "crazy she-bat" was mine.
Again, Mom, we're only telling you this
because we care about you, right, Charlie?
We care about you.
And, and it's not too late for you to change
and become the kind of person that people
would dearly miss.
When you're dead.
You've given me a lot to think about.
Yes, and, and while you're thinking, remember the spirit
in which it was intended.
Oh, I won't forget that.
Good, good.
Listen, um, I think I'm gonna beg off dinner tonight.
Good, good. Aw...
Good-bye, boys.
Bye-bye. Bye.
Okay.
"Okay"?
What's okay? What do you see that's okay?
Well, we got out of dinner.
Yes, but at what cost?
Sure, her feelings are hurt right now,
but that'll pass in time,
and then she'll see this
as an opportunity to grow and change.
Do you actually believe that?
I have to, Charlie.
I have to.
* Men. *
Yo, mad props on the sandwich, Dad.
This PB and J is off the hook.
Excuse me?
He's been watching MTV Cribs.
The kid's a sponge.
For shizzle, my dizzle.
Hey, MC Skidmark.
Here's something else you left in your pants.
Oh, right, I was supposed to mail this.
What is it? It's a birthday card
Mom gave me to send to Grandma.
Oh, God! Today's Mom's birthday.
You forgot Mom's birthday?
Did you remember it?
Hey, hey, no one expects me to remember anything.
When's the last time you talked to her?
I don't know; probably when we told her
she's a horrible person and nobody likes her.
Oh, yeah, that was a fun day.
I guess I could save this for next year.
No, no, no, you'll give it to her in person.
We'll go out, we'll buy her a present,
and then we'll bring it to her.
Gee, Alan, she hasn't talked to us in weeks.
Don't you think showing up with a gift my jeopardize that?
We have to go. If we don't show up,
we'll never hear the end of it.
True dat.
You tell 'em, Poop Dog.
Yo, check out the bling.
Jake, I'm not going to tell you again.
You're a pasty white kid.
Start acting like one.
Fine.
Oh, this is cool.
It does say "Mom."
Charlie, be serious.
Jake, if you really want to help, try to find something
that's more appropriate for your grandma.
Like what?
See if they got a grizzly bear ripping apart a salmon.
Hi, there.
May I help you find something?
Oh, yeah, we're, uh, we're looking
for a birthday gift for our mother.
Oh, how sweet. When's her birthday?
Today.
Oh.
He forgot.
Well, um, tell me something about her.
What does she like?
Hurting people.
Charlie...
It's a little hard to answer that
because we have a bit of a strained relationship.
Oh, so you'd like to find a gift
that would help bring you closer together.
Oh, no, no. No, no, no.
This is just your standard family obligation,
"Here it is, Happy Birthday
stay off our backs" kind of thing.
But with a pretty bow.
I see. And what is your price range?
Uh, enough that she can't complain, but not so much
that it's worth her while to return it.
Exactly.
Have you considered
a nice perfume?
Do you know her scent?
Oh, actually, I don't.
I do. You do?
Yep. Do you carry Chanel No. 666?
You know, I think I'm going to let the two of you
just browse a bit more and I'll be back... maybe.
JAKE: Great news.
It's on sale!
* Men. *
(doorbell chiming)
Now, remember, this was not a last-minute thing.
Our plan all along was to surprise her.
I know how to lie, Dad.
We're not lying. We're being considerate.
By lying.
ALL: Happy Birthday!
Oh, what a surprise.
That was the plan all along.
I don't know what to say.
After the last time we spoke, I assumed...
Oh, come on, Mom.
No matter what, you're still our mother.
Right, Charlie? You're still our mother.
Give her her present, Jake.
Happy Birthday.
Thank you.
Oh, it's heavy.
It's just a bowl.
I wanted to get you a bear-eating fish.
But we got her a nice crystal bowl instead.
So, can we come in?
Actually, I'm having a little party.
A party?!
And you didn't invite us?
Charles, if someone's not going to mourn at my funeral,
I certainly don't want them at my birthday party.
Then who's here?
People who love me.
People who care about me and accept me for who I am.
Oh, I got to see this.
Please come in.
Oh, hello.
Hi.
Charlie, Alan, Jake, I'd like you to meet
Roger and Philip and their son Changpu.
These are my sons and grandson.
Nice to meet you. Hello.
Your mom is such an incredible woman.
She's like the loving mother I never had.
She's fabulous!
We're one big happy family.
Son of a bitch, she got new people.
* Men. *
Who are these guys?
You're surprised I have friends?
You're surprised that I'm surprised?
Roger works in my real estate office,
Philip does my hair and I introduced them.
They make a lovely couple, don't they?
CHARLIE: Yeah, I guess.
And they adopted...
...Chung King?
Changpu. Yes-- from China.
Of course I had to help them a bit,
you know, greasing the bureaucratic wheels.
You bribed someone?
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I merely slept with a Commie.
Is this goose liver?
It's quail pate with endive.
Philip's special recipe.
Oh, you gotta give it to me.
I'll trade you.
My recipe for your mother.
Done.
You are so lucky.
My mother is a bitch on wheels.
Your mother? What about my mother?
Fine, your mother's a bitch, too.
* Thank you.
So do you have PlayStation or an Xbox?
I have a cello.
What do you play on that?
Beethoven, Brahms, Bach, Shostakovich.
So, no Grand Theft Auto?
* Happy birthday to you
* Happy birthday to you *
* Happy birthday
* Dear Evy * Dear Grandma
(singing perfect harmony): * Happy birthday to you.
My boys, my boys.
Thank you.
Make a wish.
Why? You're already here.
My wish has come true.
Who wishes for two gay guys and a Chinese kid?
Evy, now we have a very special present for you.
What do you think, a bear eating a bear?
Changpu is going to perform a cello concerto.
He wrote it himself, in your honor.
How marvelous.
(speaks Chinese)
Should I give her the card now?
Forget about the card, Jake.
Shh, shh, shh.
Shampoo is gonna play.
(plays classical music)
Don't feel bad.
I bet he can't burp the alphabet.
Well, that was one of the most bizarre evenings
I've ever spent.
It was right up there.
I thought it was fabulous.
You know what's happened, don't you?
We've been replaced.
Fine with me.
As long as she's got Siegfried and Roy,
we don't have to deal with her anymore.
Oh, it's fine with me, too.
I just... I can't believe she conned these guys
into thinking she's a good witch.
Well, we know she's not.
Damn right. You said it, sister.
Hey, Spongebob GayPants, take a break.
You don't think we might've been...
wrong about Mom.
What?!
I'm just saying that Roger and Philip
obviously see something in her that we don't.
Who knows her better, us or them?
Well, us, no question.
But maybe there's a part of her we're missing.
Alan, there's a part of her she's missing.
It's called her soul.
Snap!
* Men. *
Hey, Mom, how are you?
Charlie, what a pleasant surprise.
Oh, I was just calling to say happy birthday again
and thanks for last night.
It was so nice to meet Philip and Roger and...
Shanghai.
Changpu.
And thank you for the lovely crystal bowl.
Oh, good-- you like it.
Like it? Well, I love it.
I'm admiring it right now.
Great. Great.
Listen, dear, I've really got to go.
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, Mom.
about that stuff that got said a couple of weeks ago.
What's that?
Well, I don't have any problems with you being who you are.
That whole thing about you needing to change,
well, that's Alan's deal.
Oh, I knew that.
Yeah, yeah, the thing that I love about our relationship
is that you don't try to change me
and I don't try to change you.
We accept each other as, you know, incapable of changing.
That is very sweet.
Okay, here you go: eggs Benedict.
My own recipe.
Anything else?
No, no, I guess not.
Love you.
You, too.
Bye-bye.
Who was that?
Oh, nobody.
Now, you said there was something important
you wanted to talk to me about.
Yeah, yeah.
I was just thinking about...
Mm, too much lemon juice in the hollandaise sauce.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry.
You should ask Philip for his recipe.
I will.
You might also ask him who cuts his hair.
You don't have to be gay to look nice.
I'll ask.
Um, anyway, I just wanted to clear the air
about a few things.
Really? Like what?
Well, you know, that, uh...
that stuff that got said a couple of weeks ago.
I just want you to know...
it was Charlie's idea.
Oh, I knew that.
Yeah, I only went along because, you know,
he's the older brother and...
he might've been drunk.
Well, I'm just glad one of my sons cares about me.
I do. I love you, Mommy.
Right back at ya.
Now, skidaddle.
Philip and Roger will be here any minute.
Oh, okay.
Oh, look, there they are.
Philip, Roger and Changpu.
No pictures of me or Jake?
Sweetheart, I've been asking for a decent picture for years.
All I've ever gotten was a school photo of Jake
where he appeared to be sucking on his shirt.
Oh, yeah, they served spaghetti on picture day.
Oh, hey, you know what we should do?
We should get together and take a nice family portrait.
That sounds lovely.
Great! I'll set it up! Terrific!
Okay, bye.
Bye-bye.
Um, did I tell you that I love you, Mommy?
Yes, but I never tire of hearing it.
Oh, well, in that case, uh, I love you, Mommy.
I really should have stopped drinking during pregnancy.
* Men. *
Hello?
Hello.
Hey, Alan?
Yeah?
I couldn't help noticing
there's a photographer in the living room.
Oh. Yeah, we're, uh...
we're taking a family picture.
Family picture?
Would it be rude of me to point out
the obvious flaw in your plan?
I didn't think you'd be interested.
I'm not.
So, it's just you and Little Lord Scratch 'n' Sniff?
Hey, if you don't sniff it,
you don't know what it is.
Actually, it's a picture of me, Jake and Mom.
Mom?!
Mom who?
She said she didn't have any good pictures of us.
Wait a minute. When did you talk to Mom?
I...
She called me.
You've been sucking up to her behind my back, haven't you?
Charlie, you have no idea how insane that sounds.
All I know is after everything that's happened,
I would never talk to her without talking to you first.
You wouldn't?
What kind of person do you take me for?
I'd rather cut off my arm
than pick up the phone and try to undermine my own brother.
Me, too.
That's why I'm...
taking a bullet here for the both of us.
Oh.
Well, thanks.
You don't have to thank me...
I'm your brother.
(doorbell rings)
Ooh, Mommy's here.
Might as well get this over with.
Wait a sec, hang on.
Let me go change.
You actually want to be in the picture?
No, no, no, are you kidding?
It's not fair for you to have to do it alone.
Oh... well, thanks.
You don't have to thank me.
I'm your brother.
Hi, Mom. Hello, dear.
Hey, Mom, how are you? Good to see you.
Hi, Charlie.
Oh, what a marvelous house.
PHILIP: It's adorable.
Mom?
You said you wanted a family portrait.
They're family.
Okay, well, I'm going back to bed.
Wait, Charlie, what about the picture?
Put me down for a wallet size.
I just love what you're wearing.
(playing classical music)
("Smoke on the Water" plays)
Like that?
Yeah, but what was all that crap in the beginning?
It was an introduction of my own composition.
Well, no offense, but "Smoke on the Water"
doesn't begin with crap on the water.
My apologies.
Okay, let's take it from the top.
One, two, three, four.
(playing "Smoke on the Water")
The playdate was a good idea.
Yeah, let's see how Grandma likes her prodigy
after he sponges up our sponge.
("Smoke on the Water" continues)