(car door closes, footsteps)
CHARLIE: Thank you for transporting me home.
You're a terrific cab driver
and I hope someday to visit your country.
Damn, where is that key?
Here, key-key-key-key- key-key-key-key.
Aha!
Hello, key.
(key rattling in lock)
Oh, no...
wrong house.
I'm lost!
Hello?
Hi, Alan. Come on in.
Um, why don't you come in here?
I can't. I lost my key.
Dah!
Had a few cocktails, did we?
Me, too.
Listen, I need to ask you a favor.
Your needs, your needs.
What about my needs?
Are you capable of having a conversation?
Capable?
I just spent 20 minutes discussing open-toed shoes
with a fat man from Rangoon.
He's a Rangooni.
We'll talk in the morning.
I wouldn't count on it.
Go ahead. You talk, I'll cook.
It's 11:30. What are you cooking?
Good question.
And I can give you the answer in two words:
my famous homemade chili.
Since when do you make chili?
There's a lot you don't know about me, Alan.
I am man of many layers.
Strata, if you will.
I see.
A thin crust, magma
and a chewy nougat center.
Okay, uh, anyway, tomorrow I have to go to the DMV
to get my license renewed.
Ah, cars.
Where would we be without cars?
And how do we get there?
Run, run, you're free!
Well, listen, the thing is I can't take Jake
because he's got a book report to do.
I love Jake.
Well, that's good, but will you help him with his report?
I would like nothing better.
You want chili?
Uh, no, no, I'm good.
But just so we're clear, you'll help Jake?
I love Jake.
Charlie, it's very important that...
Relax, I'll take Jake to the DMV to get his license.
Book report.
Beans.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ah. * Men. * Men.
Oh, no!
Charlie's Blackout Chili.
It's delicious.
No argument there.
Why is it called "Blackout Chili"?
Well, sweetheart,
sometimes when people drink,
the do things they wouldn't normally do.
Me, I like to walk into a biker bar and take a swing
at the biggest chick there.
Your Uncle Charlie, on the other hand, makes chili.
But what's the blackout part?
Ah, geez, Jake, how many times
have I told you not to crap up my kitchen?
I'm not the one who...
Oh.
Still, it beats waking up
to find pool chalk between your fanny cheeks.
Where's your father?
He went to the DMV.
He said you promised to help me with my book report.
Really? That doesn't sound like me.
I didn't think so either, but that's what he said.
When's it due? Monday.
Okay. Today's Saturday?
Yeah.
We got plenty of time.
Yeah, but my dad always says if I do my work early,
then I have the rest of the weekend to have fun.
That makes no sense whatsoever.
That's what I said.
Let me ask you something.
Do you want to do it now?
No. Then trust your instincts.
Here's what you do.
You go out and have a good time,
let the report percolate in your subconscious.
Then,
as the deadline approaches and that flop-sweat panic hits,
those pages will come shooting out of you
like a lunch from a supermodel.
Well, I do like to percolate.
That a boy.
What are you doing today?
Well, I've got to write a new jingle
for a big credit card company
and they're expecting it on Monday, so...
I'm going to the track.
* Men.
WOMAN (over P.A.): Now serving number 38 at window "D."
I got 42.
I made an appointment.
Good for you.
What's your number?
I'm 97.
Ooh. Ouch.
You're gonna be here forever.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, you know what?
I'm probably not even going to need this Power Bar.
You want it?
Thanks.
You're very kind.
Next time, plan ahead.
Will do.
Got to know how to work the system.
Again...
thanks.
Okay, I'm leaving.
Bye.
If you need anything, ask Berta.
Okay.
She won't give it to you, but she enjoys being asked.
Turn that off.
You're coming with me.
Really? To the track?
It's got to be better for you than TV.
Are we gonna gamble?
No, suckers gamble.
We're gonna analyze statistics
with proven scientific principles
and make wagers based on the result of data.
I think I'd rather watch TV.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
WOMAN (over P.A.): Now serving number 39 at window "A."
It appears my time on your planet is almost over.
(laughs)
(mocks laugh)
Excuse me. Are you done with your paper?
Oh, sure. Here.
Thank you.
I didn't even have a chance to finish the jumble.
Well, I'll have time. Ooh.
Hey, 97, that ought to lift your spirits.
I'm ebullient.
I feel like such an idiot.
I didn't even know you could make an appointment.
Well, most people don't.
Am I right?
Lena.
Oh, uh, I'm-I'm Alan.
Ooh, you have a firm handshake, Alan.
I like that in a man.
Well, I'm a, I'm a chiropractor and my hands are my instruments.
And I also carry a little squishy ball in my pocket
to head off carpal tunnel.
Ooh.
How much can I bet?
How much did you bring?
I have to use my own money?
Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?
Okay.
I have $14.
That's not gonna get you very far.
Um, oh, and I have a $50 gift certificate to Pizza Hut.
Want to buy it?
Sure. I'll give you 25 bucks.
But it's worth $50.
To who?
To Pizza Hut.
Well, so let the good folks at Pizza Hut
place a bet for you.
You're just trying to rip me off.
Yeah. I've been staying up nights
trying to figure out how
Now, listen and learn.
In any financial transaction
there is one question
both parties have to ask themselves.
We're going to a party?
Will you shut up and listen?
I thought we were going to the track?
I swear to God,
I'm going to throw you out of this car.
Now, as I was saying,
the question is what leverage do I have in this transaction?
The answer for you is "none."
What's leverage?
Oh, boy.
All right, a lever is how you move things.
Leverage is how you move people.
Now, if we were going to Pizza Hut
and they didn't take real money and I was starving to death,
your gift certificate would give you leverage over me.
But alas, this is not the case.
Okay, I guess I'll take $40.
Now you're catching on. But no.
WOMAN (over P.A.): Number at 40 at window "E."
I'm sorry, baby, Mama's got to stay here
till she gets her license.
I'm hungry, too.
I don't know how much longer.
You want to come in here and wait with me?
All right, you stay in the car
and play your video game.
Mommy loves you, too.
I get such little time with him.
Where's his dad?
Damned if I know.
WOMAN (over P.A.): Now serving number 41 at window "B."
Oh, he is gonna miss his piano lesson.
Listen, um, why don't you take my number?
Oh, I couldn't.
No, no, no, I insist-- I've got somebody
taking care of my little boy, so I can wait.
That is so sweet.
WOMAN (over P.A.): Now serving number 42 at window "B."
Oh, you're up.
Thank you so much.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
Hey, listen, maybe,
do you think sometime we could maybe go out...?
Hey, Mama.
Baby, I thought you were waiting in the car.
Batteries are dead.
That's okay. We're out of here.
You lied to me.
No, I didn't.
Baby, you got a piano lesson today?
Yep. Gershwin.
See?
Hey, I thought you had her at "squishy ball."
* Men.
So how much do I get if my horse wins?
If you bet $14 at two to one, you win $28.
That doesn't sound like a lot.
Why can't I bet the 80-to-one horse?
You can, but there's dogs with forks and napkins
waiting at the finish line for him.
What does that mean?
It means the greater the odds,
the lousier the horse.
But he could still win, right?
Yeah, and you could still be class valedictorian.
But that's not where the smart money goes.
You can make your point without being mean.
If you want me to bet
the 80-to-one horse for you, I will.
Okay, fine.
It'll be a good lesson for you.
You won't be such a know-it-all when...
four times eight's 32, one times is zero is zero--
$120,000.
All right, two lessons.
It's not as much as I thought, but I'm still rich.
You're not rich...
you lucky little peckerhead.
There's no reason for name-calling.
Mr. Smart Money.
You want to walk home?
I don't have to walk home.
I could take a taxi or a limo.
Or a hearse.
* Men
Mm. You were so smart to bring this.
WOMAN: Now serving number 97 at window A.
Hey, that's me.
You hang in there.
Thanks for everything.
You're welcome.
I was being facetious.
Ooh, 99.
Lucky you.
I'm 138.
Been here all day.
With my kid waiting in the car.
Nice try.
* Men
Hey, Dad, guess what?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, he doesn't need to know.
Why not?
Think about it.
What's your father going to do
when he finds out you've got $1,120?
Don't worry, I'm not going to lend him any.
No, you clod.
He's going to make you put it in the bank.
Oh, yeah.
Plus he's going to give me grief for taking you to the track.
Oh, so I guess that means I've got leverage on you.
Hey, I can live with the grief.
Can you live without the money?
No, I love the money.
Okay, so here's what you do.
Hide it in your room someplace no one will look.
Oh, I saw this movie once where they put the money
in a plastic bag and hung it in the toilet.
Bad idea. Your toilet sees way too much action.
Okay, I'll buy a big safe.
Oh, brilliant-- that won't raise any questions.
Just stick it in a shoe.
But what if I want to wear it?
Then put it in a different shoe.
But not the same pair, right?
Correct.
Now, you have to be careful spending it.
You don't want to call attention to yourself.
Okay, I'll just get a plasma TV.
No, no, no, no,
no plasma TVs, not computers, no expensive video games.
Buy small stuff that no one will notice.
Like donuts?
Perfect.
What about a donut machine?
Okay, you're not hearing me.
I could hide it in the safe.
Get out of here.
Hey, where have you been?
I told you-- the DMV.
All day? You should have made an appointment.
Yeah, next time I'll know.
So what did you guys do today?
Oh, not much.
We just hung out, ran a few errands.
Oh, did you help him with his book report?
Yes, I did.
Really? No.
Charlie, you said you'd help him.
Yeah, well, you said
you'd only be living here for a couple weeks.
And you weren't drunk when you said it.
Fair enough.
So you guys just ran errands all day?
Yes, errands.
Where is he, in his room? Yes, his room.
Thanks for keeping an eye on him.
No problem.
Oh, I have a bad feeling.
Hey, Jake, I'm back.
I was thinking...
Charlie made me go to the track.
(sighs)
What a day.
Just sitting and sitting and sitting.
Huh.
It was like jury duty,
without the fun of sending someone to jail.
Sounds awful.
Yeah, yeah.
So...
you guys ran errands today.
The little rat bastard sold me out, didn't he?
Almost immediately.
Why would you take a 13-year-old boy to the track?
Hey, I thought it would be better
than him hanging around the house all day doing nothing.
He was supposed to be doing his book report.
Oh, yeah.
And come to think of it,
weren't you supposed to be working on
some big credit card jingle?
I'm percolating.
Boy, you are some role model.
Well, one of us has to be.
So, uh, exactly how much did he win?
$1,100.
Wow.
Forget it. He's not going to loan you any.
All right, all right, we'll put it in the bank.
It'll be a nice addition to his college fund.
What college fund?
The one with $1,100 in it.
Come on, Alan.
He won the money fair and stupid.
So you think I ought to let him keep it?
What's the worst that could happen?
So he blows it.
It's a life lesson and we get a donut machine.
What?!
It's just money, Alan.
I don't want him to think like that.
Oh, much better he think like you?
Squirreling away every dime he makes
so he'll haven it handy for alimony payments
and phone sex?
For the last time, I misdialed.
Yeah, every Wednesday night for 20 minutes.
Okay, okay, we are not talking about the phone bills.
We are talking about teaching Jake sound financial principles.
And I am entitled to a date night.
Fine. Take the money away from him.
No, no, I'm not going to be the bad guy.
I'm not going to be the bad guy either.
Why not? It's your fault.
Hey, if you want to point the finger,
look for the horse trainer
who put crystal meth in Mr. McGlue's feed bag.
I'll bet that Clydesdale is still running.
Okay, okay, you think you know best?
We'll let him keep the money.
But mark my words, no good can come from a boy like Jake
having that kind of cash to throw around.
Oh come on, the kid might surprise you.
Here's a hundred bucks.
What's that for?
I broke a lamp.
* Men
(playing "Call to Post")
* It's the card that's accepted all over the globe *
* Something, something...
* Terrycloth robe.
That's enough for today.
Have you see Jake?
Oh, little Lord Fartleroy?
Well, he wasn't pleased with grilled cheese for lunch,
so he walked down to the Red Lobster
for their all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp.
Wonderful.
He lined his pockets with foil before he left.
You think this is funny?
The kid gets to throw some money around.
What's wrong with that?
Hey, Richie Rich back with my crab legs yet?
No.
You don't understand.
Money gives him choices and freedom. Yeah, so?
I don't have choices and freedom, why should he?
Dad, Uncle Charlie,
come out and see what I just bought.
Oh, I have another bad feeling.
Oh, Jake, where did you get that?
A guy had it in the back of his pickup truck at the gas station
and it had a "for sale" sign.
Oh, no.
I asked him how much it was and he said,
"How much you got?"
And I told him $1,106,
and he said, "It's your lucky day."
Can you believe that?
That's two lucky days in a row.
Okay, I am sorry.
You did not ride that thing here?
Oh, no, I pushed it.
I figured I can ride it on the beach.
Well, you figured wrong-- it's too dangerous.
Don't worry, I got a helmet.
I traded him for a bag of crab legs.
Can you help me take it down to the beach now?
No, you are not riding that thing.
Yeah, well, I bought it with my own money,
so you can't tell me what to do.
Really, I am as sorry as I can possibly be.
Let me just show you how cool it is.
Look, the guy told me how to start it.
He said it might need a tune-up.
So where are my crab legs?
* Men
Go ahead-- say it.
I'm stupid and I got ripped off.
No, nobody thinks that.
I wouldn't say nobody.
Charlie.
Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.
Look, Jake, sooner or later every guy gets hustled.
Even you?
Even me.
I remember once when I wasn't much older than you,
I spend a hundred bucks on a bag of oregano.
Oregano?
Your uncle was making spaghetti sauce.
Yeah, in a parked car
before I went to the Pink Floyd Lasarium show.
Thank you.
The important think is that you learned something
that will serve you for the rest of your life.
What's that?
Always buy motorbikes and oregano from authorized dealers.
No, no, that is not the lesson.
A fool and his money are soon parted? No.
Don't run with scissors?
Do you mind?
Go ahead, I'm down to
don't eat the yellow snow.
That's not it, is it?
No, the lesson here
is that when a little extra money comes our way,
we do the smart thing-- we put it in the bank
where it makes reasonable interest at minimal risk.
And then we have it for a rainy day.
Do you understand?
Yeah.
Attaboy.
Trust me, there is no better feeling
than knowing you have a little nest egg
to fall back on.
There are at least eight better feelings.
Charlie! Coming.