* Men
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
I'm sorry, Mom. I love you!
What?
There's something you gotta see.
It has to be better than my dream.
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
It's Dad's magazine!
What?
There's something you gotta see.
I was already seeing everything I needed to see.
What's going on?
You remember I recorded those kids' songs a few months ago?
Yeah. They sucked.
Of course they sucked.
They're kids' songs.
Anyway, the CD is coming out,
and the first commercial is about to air.
At 5:00 in the morning?
That's when moms with little kids are up.
Oh, Becker is over. I'm up next.
ANNOUNCER: Who loves kids?
KIDS: Charlie Waffles!
* Who cut the cheese? (raspberry)
* I ask you please, did you cut the cheese? * (raspberry)
That's right. Charlie Waffles!
And now you can get his greatest hits on one CD.
Charlie Waffles?
My idea.
Kids love waffles.
That's true.
Yes, you'll get all the melodies
that made Charlie Waffles the king of kids' songs:
"Kiss My Owie," "Rush to Flush"
and, of course, "Don't Shake the Baby."
* He's a little boy, he is not a toy *
* Don't shake, shake, shake the baby *
* She's our little girl, our darling girl *
* Don't shake, shake, shake the baby. *
When did you become the king of kids' songs?
When did you become the Federal Trade Commission?
* Grandma may smell funny, but hug her anyway *
* Accept her stinky kisses, and then go out and play *
* But she's got all the money, so you might just want to stay *
* Oh, Grandma my smell funny, but hug her anyway. *
But wait, there's more!
With this special TV offer,
you'll also receive this
never-before-released bonus track!
* I drink from a sippy cup, sippy cup, sippy cup *
* I drink from a sippy cup 'cause I'm a big kid now *
* Bye-bye, boobies, bye-bye, boobies *
* Bye-bye, boobies, 'cause I'm a big kid now. *
Call now, and you'll also receive
a bonus Charlie Waffles scratch-'n'-sniff poster.
It smells just like maple syrup!
What, they couldn't make it smell like bourbon?
Operators are standing by.
Give your child the gift of music.
Who loves kids?
KIDS: Charlie Waffles!
Right!
That's it.
What do you think?
I'm going back to bed.
What about you?
You couldn't have TiVo'd this?
Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids,
but he's getting pretty sick of you!
Oh, boy. Dharma and Greg.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh
* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... *
why you wanted to come shopping with me.
I told you.
I've gotta pick up something.
You could've just put it to the list.
Hey, maybe I just want to hang out with my brother.
Really? Oh, well, that's, uh,
that's a very nice... Get away. Get away. Get away.
Of course.
Excuse me.
Do you know where the chewable vitamins are?
Oh, I think they're...
Oh, my God, you're him.
I'm sorry?
You're Charlie Waffles, right?
You caught me.
My daughter just loves your songs.
Oh, gee, you don't know how that fills my heart.
There's about to be a vomit spill on aisle three.
How old is your little girl?
Five. No way.
What, did you have her when you were 12?
Oh, you're sweet. I know.
Hey, she's not going to believe I met you.
Can I take a picture of you?
Better still, let's take one together.
Oh, okay.
Excuse me, sir. Would you take our picture?
Sir?
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
Say Waffles.
Waffles! Waffles!
Thanks, pal.
Thank you.
And don't let your husband see that.
He might get the wrong idea about Charlie Waffles.
Oh, there is no husband.
No kidding.
(quietly): Oh, my God.
Jodie is going to love this.
I'm going to save it for her birthday.
Her birthday's coming up?
This weekend she'll be six.
Oh, what a magical age.
Mm-hmm. Tell you what,
how would Jodie like a free
Charlie Waffles birthday concert?
You would do that?
Who loves kids?
Charlie Waffles.
Right.
Call me.
Oh, look, it's got a little waffle on it.
How adorable.
Told you I had to pick something up.
* Men. *
* Grandma may smell funny, but hug her anyway *
* Accept her stinky kisses, and then go out and play *
* But she's got all the money, so you might just want to stay *
* Oh, Grandma may smell funny, but hug her anyway *
* Hug her anyway
* She's old, hug her anyway
* She stinks, hug her anyway
* She's rich, hug her anyway... *
Pretty catchy, huh?
So is gonorrhea.
Drinking from the well of bitterness, are we?
I just don't understand what kind of spiteful god
could allow my drunken whoremonger of a brother
to become a children's singing star
while I to toil away in poverty-stricken anonymity?
You want to talk to me about toiling away
in poverty-stricken anonymity?
No.
Sorry.
I'm sure you've got it worse than I do.
Whoa, whoa, I wouldn't go that far.
What I'm trying to say
is there's another way to look at this.
What's that?
We're all in this together.
Your brother's success is our success.
His home is our home.
And most importantly,
when he's got a load on, his car is my car.
Hey, Berta, guess what?
I got another big royalty check.
Oh, honey, good for you.
Why don't you celebrate with a drink?
I think I will.
Hey, Alan, guess what?
Yeah, I heard.
Another big check.
(listlessly): Yay.
You know what's a great place to pick up single moms?
The parking lot of Chuck E. Cheese.
You didn't.
And not just moms.
Nannies, aunts, and a couple of very doable grandmas.
Do you have any shame?
No. Why?
(phone rings)
Hello?
Hang on.
Who loves kids?
Oh, hey, Artie, just got the check. Thanks.
What's up?
Sure, I'll sign some CDs.
Where?
They got bookstores just for kids?
Who knew?
Everyone but you.
Okay, I'll be there.
Thanks a lot.
Hey, Alan, guess what?
There's no god.
Oh, on the contrary,
there is a god and he love me long time.
* Who barfed in the fishbowl, who could it be? *
* Who barfed in the fishbowl?
* Oh, wait, it's me Everybody.
KIDS (singing along): * Fish food, fish food
* I made some fish food
* Fish food, fish food, Mommy come and see. *
* Men. *
"Love, Charlie Waffles."
Here you go, Dakota.
What do we say to Mr. Waffles?
Thank you, Mr. Waffles.
No, thank you, sweetheart.
And thank you, Mommy.
So tell me, is there a Mrs. Waffles?
Sadly, no.
Well, maybe this will cheer you up.
Come on, honey.
Oh, it do indeed.
The guy's a phenomenon.
The label's already moved a hundred thousand units
in less than two weeks.
The Wiggles can kiss my pasty, white tushie.
I'm sorry. Who are you?
I'm Artie Pliskin,
President and CEO of Fluffy Bunny Records.
And you are?
Oh. Alan, Charlie's brother.
Oh, you're the sponge. Pleasure.
Same here.
Do you believe in God, Artie?
I'll tell you what I believe in.
Regular prostate exams, full release massage
and Charlie freakin' Waffles.
Okay, kids,
Charlie Waffles needs to take a little potty break,
but he'll be right back.
In the meantime, why don't you all sing along.
(music begins playing)
(singing along with CD): * It's potty time, can't hold it *
* Can't hold it, can't hold it *
Here, put this in the Mommy and Me pile.
I'll be right back.
Alan, this is nothing compared to the concert
he's going to give next weekend.
C-concert?
1,200 screaming kids and moms
all dying to hear Charlie Waffles sing in person.
Twelve hundred?
Uh-huh. At 50 bucks a pop.
Wait a minute. He's going to make...
$60,000 off one concert?
Yeah.
Good time to be a sponge, huh?
I'm not doing any concerts.
Why not?
'Cause I'm not.
Case closed.
What's up with him?
It would appear he's displeased
with the latest gold nugget to fall out of his ass.
Yeah, well, trust me.
The gold's gonna keep comin'
even if I have to get it myself.
* Potty, potty, potty, potty... *
So...
waffle for your thoughts?
Leave me alone.
I don't understand.
I would think a sold-out concert
would be good news for Charlie Waffles.
Yeah, well, it's not.
Because?
You ever wonder why I never played in a band?
I just figured you were already getting laid so much,
being in a rock band would seem redundant.
That's not the reason.
Although I did do better than most bass players.
Okay, then what is the reason?
I have stage fright.
You have stage fright?
Severe, debilitating, wet-your-pants stage fright.
(laughing)
I don't understand.
I've seen you perform.
Well, sure, in the living room for a couple of people.
But on a stage with lights,
in front of a crowd that's paying to see me?
(shuddering)
Do you literally pee your pants?
What difference does it make?
I'm just saying your audience is composed
of a lot of bed-wetters.
They might get a kick out of seeing you soil yourself.
And you think that would be funny?
Well, I wouldn't,
but I'm not your audience.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
I don't know what to tell you, Artie.
I can't do it.
I don't need a reason why.
Just tell him the truth.
It's show business, Alan.
You don't tell people the truth.
Look, I'll make the CDs. I'll shoot the commercials.
I'll even do the bookstores.
Just no concerts.
Hey, I don't have to do anything.
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do, sue me?
Really?
Can he sue me?
Did you sign a contract?
What time's the concert?
Okay, see you Saturday night.
Wait, wait, wait, 11:00 a.m.?
Who goes to concerts at 11:00 a.m.?
Oh, yeah.
Stupid kids.
* Men.
* A quarter to 1:00
* You want to have a little fun *
* You brush your teeth
* Chh, chh, chh, chh...
* You brush your teeth What are you watching?
The master at work.
* And you wake up in the morning and it's quarter to 2:00 *
* You want to find something to do *
* You brush your teeth
* Chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh
* You brush your teeth...
Oh, Raffi, you magnificent son of a bitch.
How do you do it?
How does he do it, Alan?
What's he got that I don't?
Well, based on first impressions,
I'd say a genuine love of children and bladder control.
Oh, that was just a cheap shot.
I take 'em when I get 'em.
Look at him, all relaxed and smiling.
Last time I was in front of an audience like that,
it was the seventh grade talent show.
I started shaking, sweating.
I felt like I wanted to throw up.
Don't forget peeing in your pants.
You keep pitching me fat ones.
I'm not talking to you anymore.
Oh come on, look, if you knew in seventh grade
that you couldn't perform, why'd you become a musician?
Because there's one thing I'm more afraid of than an audience.
What's that? An honest day's work?
If you knew the answer, why'd you ask the question?
* Men.
KIDS (chanting): Charlie Waffles! Charlie Waffles!
Where the hell is he, Alan?
I don't know.
He said he wanted to take a walk to calm himself down.
I promise you, I will crucify that son of a bitch.
The two of you are going to be living in box
over a heating vent when I get through suing him.
Could it be a box with a guest room?
CHARLIE: Hey, Alan...
I figured out what went wrong in seventh grade.
What?
I hadn't started drinking yet.
Charlie, you have to get out there.
You're right.
The little bastards await.
You can't sue him if he just stinks, right?
(cheering)
Who loves kids?
KIDS: Charlie Waffles!
You're damn right!
(laughing)
(playing piano intro)
(loud belch)
(laughter)
That one's not on the CD.
Let's try this again.
* I drink from a sippy cup, sippy cup, sippy cup *
* I drink from a sippy cup 'cause I'm a big kid now *
Come on!
ALL: * I drink from a sippy cup, sippy cup, sippy cup *
* I drink from a sippy cup 'cause I'm a big kid now *
* Bye-bye, boobies...
They love him.
How can they love him?
Who cares?
We're gonna make a fortune.
Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded?
He's a musician.
It'd bother me if he wasn't.
* Bye-bye, boobies, bye-bye, boobies *
* Bye-bye, boobies
* 'Cause I'm a big kid now.
(cheering)
Who loves boobies?
KIDS: Charlie Waffles!
Right.
* I love boobies, I love boobies *
* I love boobies
* 'Cause I'm a big kid now
Come on!
* I love boobies, I love boobies *
* I love boobies
* 'Cause I'm a big kid now...
Hi.
Hey.
What are you doing up so late?
I couldn't sleep.
Something bothering you?
It's nothing.
Oh, come on. I'm your brother.
You can tell me anything.
(sighs)
Well, the truth is...
your life has been going so great lately,
it's been bringing up a lot of old resentment in me...
TV ANNOUNCER: Who loves kids?
KIDS: Charlie Waffles!
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
ANNOUNCER: For the first time anywhere,
if your kids love Charlie Waffles,
they'll love him even more live!
* When Mom's a big meanie and serves you zucchini *
* What do you do?
* Feed it to the dog
* Woof! Woof!
* Feed it to the dog
* Woof! Woof!
TV ANNOUNCER: That's right. Charlie's first sold-out concert
can be yours on DVD for only $29.99.
(singing with kids): * Who barfed in the fishbowl?
* Who could it be?
* Who barfed in the fishbowl?
* Oh, wait, it's me!
* Fish food, fish food, I made some fish food *
* Fish food, fish food
* Mommy, come and see.
ANNOUNCER: Plus, if you order now...
You know what's funny, Alan?
I was so hammered, I have no memory of that concert.
Gee... that is funny.
WOMAN (singsongy): Oh, Charlie Waffles?!
Yeah, baby?!
Who loves boobies?!
Coming!
Excuse me.
Time to butter up the old waffle.
Yeah, well, thanks for the talk.
What talk?
Go.
Butter.
KIDS: * Can't hold it! *
* It's potty time, can't hold it *
* Can't hold it! Can't hold it! *
* Potty! Potty!
* Potty! Pot-tay!
* Potty! Potty!
* Potty! Pot-tay!
* I'm not wearing a diaper and I'm not in the pool *
* Get out of the bathroom, gotta go, fool! *
* Potty! Potty! Potty!
* Pot-tay!
* It might be number one, it might be number two *
* I don't know yet and neither do you *
* Potty! Potty!
* Potty! Pot-tay!