So, I'm thinking
we serve the good wine before the ceremony,
and then at the reception,
after everybody's got a little buzz on,
we uncork the crap.
Alan, I do not want to cheap out
on what is very possibly my last wedding.
He's always been stingy.
I remember once, when he was
a little boy, he accidentally swallowed a quarter.
Refused to poop for a week.
Mom, for God's sakes.
This is my future stepsister.
Oh, relax, Alan. I think it's cute.
Cute? He's so tight, I wouldn't have been surprised
if only two dimes came out.
Mom, I'm begging you.
Would you feel any better
if I told you something embarrassing about me?
Yes.
Promise not to laugh?
Promise.
All right.
(clears throat)
I have never in my life refused to poop.
(laughing)
You are so mean.
I love you.
I think I liked it better
when you two didn't get along.
Well, those days are over.
Once I saw how happy Evie makes my father,
I could have married her myself.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
And you're like the daughter I never had.
Hmm. Not that he didn't try.
(laughs)
You should have seen him
parading around in my earrings and my high heels.
"Look at me, Mommy, I'm pretty."
(laughing)
He wasn't, of course.
Oh, darling, I'm just teasing you.
You're all man.
Thanks.
Okay, let's talk appetizers.
CHARLIE: Hey, Alan, how long do I have
before Bridezilla gets here?
Gee, Charlie, I-I don't know
what you're talking about.
CHARLIE: She's already here, isn't she?
Yes, dear.
Come on down.
It's a little game we play.
I show him unconditional love,
and he's an ungrateful little pissant.
(laughs)
Hey, Mom.
Hello, dear.
You remember Teddy's daughter, Courtney?
How could I forget?
Nice to see you again.
Nice to see you, too.
EVELYN: Courtney
and your brother are helping me with the wedding arrangements.
It's your fifth wedding, Mom.
What do you need help with,
besides remembering the groom's name?
You know, I'd cut him out of the will
if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Oh, Teddy, darling.
What's up?
Oh. Excuse me.
That's wonderful.
Can you keep it up till I get there?
All right, all right, I just want to make sure
we're all on the same page here.
This-This wedding will be absolutely ruined
if Mom finds out that her son and her future stepdaughter
have been carrying on behind her back.
Don't worry. She won't.
No, I do worry.
There-There can be no flirting, no innuendo.
Don't worry about in you endo.
Worry about in her endo.
Everybody keeps their troublemakers
in their pants.
Hey, I'll cooperate,
but I can't speak for my troublemaker.
EVELYN: Alan!
Teddy wants to talk to you about the boutonnieres.
Coming!
I knew he'd fight me on this.
So, when can we get together?
(laughs) We can't.
You and I are done.
Why, just because of what Alan said?
Nobody listens to Alan.
Hell, half the time, Alan doesn't listen to Alan.
Look, I finally have a good relationship with your mother,
and I'd like to keep it that way.
Hey, a good relationship
with my mother is highly overrated.
Look at me. I've gone my whole life without one.
Charlie, get it through your head.
You and I-- no more.
If it were that simple,
they wouldn't call it a troublemaker.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Oh-oh * * Men.
(glass clinking)
I'd like to make a little toast.
To our families coming together.
Hear, hear.
To coming together.
Evelyn is gaining a daughter,
and I'm gaining two sons.
And a grandson.
Don't interrupt.
And I'd like to say something else.
I want this to be an old-fashioned marriage.
Darling, what's mine is yours.
We do not need a prenup.
Teddy, we've talked about this.
You have a lot of money.
You should be protected.
I don't need to be protected from you, baby.
Daddy, wait a minute...
Courtney, this is none of your business.
But, Dad!
But nothing.
I love this woman,
and I am not going to bet against our marriage
by bringing a bunch of lawyers into it.
Wow. He must really love her.
Yeah.
The schmuck.
Excuse me.
I had a thought about the ice sculpture.
A lot of people go with Cupid,
but you got to remember, the bow and arrow melts first,
and what you're left with is a fat kid dancing in shrimp.
There's gonna be shrimp?
For the guests.
So, what am I?
Don't feed me straight lines, dear.
Excuse me.
Why would I feed her straight lines
if there's shrimp?
COURTNEY: I'll be out in a minute.
I can't wait.
Better let me in now.
Charlie, get out of here.
Oh, come on. You can't just cut me off like this.
Hey, I can cut off whoever
or whatever I want.
Are you playing hard to get because you know it turns me on?
(sighs) (toilet flushing)
I'm not playing, Charlie.
Okay, I just have to say,
not playing turns me on more.
(knocking)
ALAN: Charlie, are you in there with Courtney?
No.
Hi, Courtney.
Hi, Alan.
I thought we had an agreement.
Yeah, the agreement was, Mom doesn't find out.
(knocking)
Courtney?
You okay, dear?
Oh, I'm fine, Evelyn.
I thought you might be upset
about that prenup nonsense,
and I just want you to know,
I'm not after your father's money.
COURTNEY: I'm sure you're not.
Believe me, I have plenty of my own money.
Of course, don't tell Alan and Charlie.
They're annoying enough as it is.
(Courtney laughs)
I won't.
So, exactly how rich are you?
I do all right.
Huh.
When you marry my grandma, what does that make you to me?
Nothing.
Sorry, dear.
Oh, that's all right.
I was talking to the kid.
Isn't that nice.
You know, even if we're not related,
you can still buy me birthday and Christmas presents.
Thanks for the tip.
ALAN: I don't believe it.
If Mom's got so much money,
how come we still get books for Christmas?
Let it go, Alan.
Whatever money she has,
most likely has got an ancient curse attached to it.
(urinating)
What are you doing?
I'm here. I figure, what the hell?
Just remember to put the seat back down.
It's a ladies' room.
Why do they even go up?
I don't know.
It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.
(toilet flushing) Makes sense.
All right.
Let's talk about Courtney.
What do you want me to tell you, Alan?
I want you to tell me why you're so obsessed with her.
Isn't it obvious?
She drinks, she smokes, she gambles.
She's me with indoor plumbing.
What are you doing in the ladies' room?
Uh, the men's room was occupied.
Do you have to pee sitting down?
No, the seats go up.
Cool.
Hey, it smells nice in here.
* Men.
(sighs)
Hey, Courtney, it's Charlie.
Your brother.
(laughs)
Anyway, I just wanted to apologize
for making a scene there in the restaurant.
Would still love to get together,
so give me a call.
I'm just sitting at home reading a book.
(fire engine siren blaring, horn honking)
And watching TV.
(dogs barking)
Disney Channel.
101 Dalmatians.
What a great film, huh?
(helicopter whirring)
Oop, sat on the remote.
(clears throat)
Hey, Apocalypse Now.
Another great movie, huh?
Anyway, call me.
(sighs)
(knocking on car window)
Hi, Charlie.
Rose?! (car door opens)
What the hell are you doing here?
I could ask you that question.
And the answer would be the same: stalking.
No, no, I'm not, uh...
Good at it?
What do you want?
Right now, or long-term?
Rose!
I've just been watching you for an hour and...
38 minutes, and I felt bad for you.
I thought maybe you could use some help.
Thanks, but I'm fine.
Really? Did you bring water?
No.
Trail mix?
No.
Pee jar?
Oh, that would have been a great idea.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Let's see, what else?
Ooh, night vision goggles?
I don't think so.
You say that now, but if you hide in her trunk,
and want to do a little light reading,
you're gonna be sorry.
I'm fine.
Okay.
I'll just keep you company.
Give me one of these
if you need to use the pee jar.
Charlie, what the hell are you doing?
Oh. Hey.
(laughs)
Teddy, how are you?
Since when do you drive a Volvo?
Uh, it's my brother's car.
Very smart.
She would have spotted your car.
I didn't give you points for that.
I thought you and I had an understanding
that you and my daughter
weren't gonna see each other anymore.
Well, in my defense, sir,
we're not really seeing each other.
This is more of a, um...
Reconnaissance mission.
Who is this?
Oh, uh, this is Rose.
She's kind of my, um...
Sidekick.
I don't wanna beat this to death,
but if your mother finds out that you and Courtney
are seeing each other and thinks I kept it from her,
I don't know what she'd do, probably call off the wedding.
I'm... I'm... I'm sorry, Teddy.
I don't want to screw things up.
Well, then go home.
Right.
Nice to meet you, Rose.
Enchanté.
(engine starts)
(sighs)
Boy, if he was 30 years younger, I'd be following him.
Oh, what the hell?
You were with her, weren't you?
What are you, my wife?
No, I'm the wedding planner.
I'm the one who's dealing with caterers and florists
and musicians and parking valets
and a thousand frozen butterflies.
Frozen butterflies?
Mom wanted butterflies.
What is she gonna do, eat them?
No, you... you thaw them out during the ceremony,
and when the bride and groom kiss, they fly away.
Is there still gonna be shrimp?
Yes, there's gonna be shrimp!
Good. I like shrimp.
Charlie, I will not have you ruin this wedding.
Well, you can relax. I wasn't with Courtney.
Thank God for that.
So where were you?
Parked outside her apartment.
You were stalking her?
Oh, man, why does everybody use that word?
It has such a bad connotation.
Charlie, what is wrong with you?
I've never seen you like this before.
I know, I know.
I can't get her out of my mind.
I go to sleep thinking about her.
I wake up thinking about her.
The other day, I stumbled into a three-way and...
Wait, wait... Hey, whoa, whoa...
How do you stumble into a three-way?
It's usually a roommate thing.
You read about sisters, but that almost never happens.
Anyway, in order to get through it,
I had to fantasize that both of them were Courtney.
How sad is that?
I'm brokenhearted for you.
You know what I think?
I think the only reason you're so obsessed with Courtney
is because you can't have her.
Well, duh.
Oh, please tell me you're not calling her.
Of course not.
Hey, Rose, it's Charlie.
Listen, after you're done with Teddy,
can you swing by Courtney's and let me know what she's doing?
* Men.
Okay, the vows.
Now, I understand you've written your own?
First I'm hearing about it.
Oh, forgive me, darling, I...
I took the liberty of writing both of ours.
I come across kind of fruity, don't I?
Well, you're in love with me.
Love makes everyone a little gay.
Terrific.
(knocking) Please let that be my butterflies.
Please, please, please.
That kid doesn't need butterflies.
Oh.
Hi, Courtney, come on in.
No, that's okay. I just need to talk to my father.
What's up, baby?
Is Courtney here?
Hi, Courtney.
Hi, Charlie.
Dad, it's kinda private.
Can I talk to you outside, please?
Sure. Excuse me.
Did you happen to see a frozen butterfly truck go by?
Everything okay?
No, no, everything is not okay.
Always good to see you.
COURTNEY: I just don't understand why you won't help me!
TEDDY: Damn it, Courtney. We've been through this!
I'm not gonna keep bailing you out.
COURTNEY: But Daddy, I...
TEDDY: Don't "but Daddy" me!
Wow, makes you feel grateful
that the three of us get along so well.
COURTNEY: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Live on the street?!
TEDDY: You're supposed to live within your means.
COURTNEY: Oh, so you're just gonna turn your back
on me, your own daughter?
TEDDY: Oh, don't be such a drama queen!
COURTNEY: You know what? Forget it!
I'm outta here.
TEDDY: Courtney, don't be like that.
(car door slams, engine starts)
(tires squealing)
Okay, the butterflies.
Um, now... now, Mom,
when you kiss Teddy, they're gonna be released on the deck,
but just so you know, there's a 50-50 chance
that seagulls will swoop down and rip them to shreds.
I'm sorry you heard that.
Do you want me to talk to her?
No, no, leave it alone.
I'll go talk to her.
Would either of you care to explain
why he's going to talk to her?
No. No.
* Men.
Hi.
What are you doing here?
I was concerned about you.
I thought maybe I could help.
(sighs) You can't help me.
Try me.
Huh.
I was looking at the wrong window.
What? Nice place.
So...
What's going on?
What do you want me to tell you, Charlie?
I lost my job; I'm about to lose my condo;
and my father won't lift a finger to help me.
Wow.
How much do you need?
Forget it. I can't take your money.
Well, I hadn't actually offered yet.
But we are gonna be family,
and family looks after each other.
I need $50,000.
How about if I talk to your dad?
It's no use.
He's trying to teach me a lesson.
And, uh, you know, I just love this place so much.
(voice breaking): I put every dime I had into it.
(sniffles) Charlie, what am I gonna do?
You're gonna take the money from me.
No, no, it wouldn't be right.
I insist.
I promise I'll pay you back.
I know you will.
Thank you... so much.
No, no.
No, that's... that's not why I'm doing this.
I know.
I know, but I want you.
I want you, too,
but I don't want to feel like we're doing this
because I lent you money.
Okay, okay.
But soon?
Definitely soon.
Good night.
Ah, hell, if you're okay with it, I'm okay with it.
* Men.
And I promise to honor and cherish you,
to always be there for you as a trusted friend,
devoted husband and selfish lover.
Selfless.
Oh, right, selfless.
TEDDY: And even though
I am significantly older than you...
I feel renewed and replenished every time I drink
the sweet nectar of your youth.
Pick it up, Teddy.
No one can see butterflies in the dark.
(clears throat)
I remember the first time
I laid eyes on you
at one of the many charity events to which you
so tirelessly devote yourself.
You were a vision in Dolce & Gabbana
and compassion.
And that first moment we spoke,
the simple melody of your voice
was testimony to how much the world lost
when you gave up a very promising singing career...
in order to raise your two little boys,
not that they ever appreciated it.
And the lovemaking.
What can I say about the lovemaking?
I can't say this.
If you don't, I will.
(sighs)
As I explored every inch of your firm,
non-surgically enhanced body...
I finally learned the meaning of the words,
"heaven on Earth"...
and "natural redhead."
In the words of the Bard:
"Shall I compare thee to the summer's day?
"Thou art more lovely
"and more temperate.
"Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
(mouth silently) "and summer's lease
"hath all too short a date."
(mouths silently)
"So long as men can breathe,
(mouths silently) "our eyes can see.
"So long lives this
"and gives life to thee."
You may now kiss the bride.
You want me to sweep them up
and pop them in the microwave?
Never mind.
* Men.