* Men. *
Let's see, sperm meets egg here.
30 days has September,
all the rest have 31,
except for Judith, who has 28.
CHARLIE: Hey, Alan.
Meet Don.
Hello, Don.
Hello, Alan.
Don drove me home
and I don't have any money.
Okay, uh, is Don a cabbie?
No, no.
Don is a close, personal friend.
Don is a cabbie.
He has enough friends, and he wants his $80.
What happened to your money?
Good question.
You know how easy Texas Hold 'Em looks on TV
when you can see the other guys' hole cards?
Yeah.
Very different in real life.
Uh, 20, 40, 60,
80.
No tip?
Hold on.
Let's see, five dollars...
Keep your money, Mr. Trump.
You need it more than I do.
Are we still on for lunch?
(Don speaking Hindi)
I think you offended Don.
He'll get over it.
Where's your car?
Don't change the subject.
(slurring): You owe Don an apology.
Oh, hey, a calendar.
Yeah.
What's "JMC" stand for?
Nothing.
Oh, come on.
John Mellencamp Cougar?
No.
Jumping Methodist...
(slurring): cougar?
No.
Then I give up.
Well, if you must know,
it stands for "Judith's menstrual cycle."
Get out.
No, look.
This is when Judith and Herb broke up.
And this is the day that I had sex with her.
Dude...
you need a better hobby.
Judith is now five months pregnant.
Oh, yeah, right.
She's probably in that sweet spot
where her boobs are big and cushy
but her ass is still normal.
Charlie, it is almost certain
that I am the father of Judith's baby.
Are you still grinding on this?
What if it's a girl?
I always wanted a daughter.
I finally get one and some other guy gets to be her dad.
I feel like the universe
is playing some horrible practical joke on me.
Wow.
I lost $8,000 playing poker.
I have no idea where my car is,
threw up in my mouth three times,
and I'm still having a better night than you are.
I don't expect you to understand.
You don't know the joy of being a parent.
Of watching a part of you grow and develop,
blooming into a fully formed human being.
(gagging, coughing)
Four times.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ah. * Men. * Men.
* Men. *
Hi. Hi.
Jake, your father's here.
So, how you doing?
Good.
Over the morning sickness?
Yes, Alan.
Uh, by my calculations
probably about a week, ten days ago?
That sounds right.
Good, good.
You have a nice break till the, uh, till
the old hemorrhoids come a-callin'.
Jake!
Judith, are we gonna talk about the elephant in the room?
What elephant?
Come on, you, me, the baby?
I mean, we did have unprotected sex...
You shut your mouth. We did not.
Yes, we did. Read my lips.
We did not have sex.
Oh, hey, Alan. How goes it?
Oh, uh, fine, Herb.
Uh, how you doing?
Proud as a peacock.
Honey, did you show him the sonogram?
No.
Oh, you should see her, Alan.
Her? So, it is a girl?
Yep, one fresh-faced little fetus
sans wee-wee.
I always wanted a sans wee-wee.
Well, you can't have mine.
(laughing): No, no, of course not.
Hey, wanna see how we're decorating the nursery?
He doesn't wanna see the nursery, Herb.
Sure I would. You going with mermaids?
Little girls love mermaids.
Actually, I was thinking little ponies.
Little ponies? Yeah, why?
Oh, gosh...
Little ponies have little penises.
Really? I didn't notice that on the stencils.
Let's go take a look.
I'm ready.
Oh, uh, I'll be right back.
I'm just going to go see the baby's room.
He never wants to see my room.
That's because your room is a pig sty.
I didn't ask for a reason.
* Men.
Alan, buddy,
I'm getting a little concerned about your drinking.
I don't have a problem.
Well, I do.
You're swillin' my good stuff.
Here.
Have some Old Wal-Mart.
Thank you.
What's this?
Ugh, a diary I kept during Judith's pregnancy.
Jennifer, Jocelyn,
Jasmine, Jolene?
Some of the names that we picked out
in case Jake had been a girl.
Oh, man, can you imagine him as a chick?
Woof!
Yeah, well, that's not how it turned out.
Think about it though.
Every weekend, me, you
and a big ugly girl with a bad haircut.
I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie.
Okay, okay, first of all,
you don't know it's your kid.
All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up
you nailed Judith.
Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith.
So, the only thing we know for sure
is that despite all outward appearances,
Judith is a slut.
Hey, I'm aware that technically
either one of us could be the father,
but I know in my gut
that this is my sweet bastard child.
You don't know squat.
And you wanna talk technically?
Technically,
maybe neither one of you is the father.
Oh, dear God, Charlie.
What have you done?
Not me, you fool.
Although if I had known she was that easy, may...
Stop!
All I'm saying is there could very well be
some guy in her driveway with a leaf blower
pining away for "baby Juanita."
That's just ridiculous.
Judith won't even eat Mexican food.
Look, even if you're right,
doing anything about it,
it's just gonna destroy a marriage.
I know, I know.
It's just... it's so hard to ignore my paternal instincts.
Sure, I see those instincts with Jake
and I admire them.
If I was his dad,
I would've dropped him off at an orphanage
with 20 bucks and a bag of doughnuts.
No, you wouldn't.
He was adorable when he was a baby.
Baby?
I'm talking about last week.
I walked into his room.
He was trying to bite his toenails.
Let's be honest.
That's monkey behavior.
My son is not a monkey.
My point here is, forget the baby.
You've already got a kid to raise.
Yeah, I guess.
Hey.
He's not a monkey.
* Men. *
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
I don't wanna watch football.
Nobody cares what you wanna watch.
Why do you get to decide everything around here?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe it's because I bought everything around here.
Oh, right, play the money card.
That's all you got.
That's all I need.
Now shut up.
(softly): No, you shut up.
All right, I'm gonna count to three
and then I'm gonna kick your ass.
Ooh, I'm scared.
One.
Two. I'm only leaving 'cause I'm bored.
He keeps growing, I'm screwed.
Hey, hey, uh,
you wanna hear what I wrote the night you were born?
Not really.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Uh, sit down. You'll like it.
It's kind of a poem.
Um...
"My son, my son, my only one.
"You open my heart like the morning sun.
"Your tiny face, your tiny hand.
"Never have I felt a love so grand."
Gay.
What do you know about poetry, you monkey?
* Men. *
Oh, hey, Herb.
Just thought I'd stop by and see
if you needed any help with the baby's room.
Thanks, I'm painting today.
Oh, great.
Just call me Vincent Van "Gogh-ing" to help you.
Funnier in my head. Let's go.
Oh, Judith, look who stopped by
to help paint the baby's room.
Surprise.
Herb doesn't need any help, Alan.
Yes, I do. Yes, he does.
HERB: Come on, I'm just
finishing up the base coat,
but I'm gonna start on the unicorn stencils. Unicorns?
Oh, Herb, that's just a pony with a strap-on!
* Men. *
I know, tell me about it.
It's like nine kinds of "suck" in an eight-suck bag.
Hey, Jake?
Gotta go.
I didn't mean to interrupt your call.
Yeah, well, you should've thought of that
before you barged in.
Yeah.
The reason I barged in
was to apologize for threatening to kick your ass.
I wouldn't really do that.
You couldn't really do that.
Anyway,
I was thinking about ordering a pizza.
You interested? No, thanks.
Maybe you didn't hear me.
Pizza.
Dough, sauce, cheese, grease, meat.
I've seen you lick the box.
I'm not hungry.
Okay, what the hell's wrong with you?
Nothing. Fine.
Be that way.
I know what's going on here.
You're bent out of shape 'cause your mom's having another baby.
No, I'm not.
It's okay.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
In fact, I know exactly how you feel.
My mom's second child ruined my life.
That's my dad.
Uh-huh.
Listen, it wasn't all bad.
When babies grow up a little, you can have fun with 'em.
You know, pee in their canteen,
teach 'em to stutter.
Of course, the down side is they're so damaged
later on they move into your guest room
with their kid and never leave.
Not that I don't love having you here.
You're a delight.
I'm fine with the baby.
Really?
Yeah. I'm actually kinda looking forward to it.
Well, that's a novel approach.
So if it's not the baby,
why have you been such a dillweed lately?
None of your business.
So it's a girl.
Just get out of my room.
Make me.
God, you're such a child.
Oh, yeah, it's a girl.
Hmm, Jolene.
Yeah.
Jolene Melnick.
Nope, I don't think so.
Why not? You could call her Jo or Josie.
Kinda wanted to name her after my Grandma Mildred.
Mildred Melnick?
Yeah. We could call her Mil, or Millie.
I'm sorry, Herb.
But with a name like Mildred
you might as well call her Staff Sergeant Melnick.
Herb, can you get the cookies for me?
Oh, sure.
We, uh, keep 'em on the top shelf of the pantry.
You know... Jake.
Yeah.
Charlie keeps his fudge nuggets in the trunk of his car.
Thank you, dear.
What are you doing here?
I'm helping my friend, helping you.
If not for me, our little girl would be surrounded
by metaphorical pony peni.
Our little girl?!
Alan, I don't know what you imagine happened
between you and me, but if you say anything to Herb,
I swear to God I'll put a gun in your mouth
and paint these walls with your brains.
I think we settled on mermaids.
Cookie for my cookie?
Oh, yum. Thank you.
Wow.
Pregnancy's a wild ride, huh?
One minute she's loving and affectionate,
the next minute she's, well...
Cruel, vengeful, castrating?
I was going to say moody.
Wait for it.
Of course I want to go to the party.
'Cause
my stupid uncle won't let me.
I don't know,
'cause he's old and clueless.
No, I can't sneak out.
'Cause I gotta be here to change his adult diapers.
Otherwise he just sits in his own filth.
I know,
it's really gross.
Hi there.
Gotta go.
You're not supposed to listen to my private conversations.
You're not supposed to tell people I crap my pants.
Okay, whatever.
So what's the deal with this party
that I'm supposedly not letting you go to,
like I actually give a rat's ass about your social life?
Just leave me alone.
You know that's not going to happen.
Come on. You can trust me.
Did you trust me when I told you that?
Um... I'm confused.
Of course you are.
Now tell me why you don't want to go to this party.
I can't tell you.
It's embarrassing.
Okay, okay.
How about I tell you something embarrassing
about myself first?
Like what?
Well, let's see.
All right,
about 15 years ago, I was in Bangkok.
(giggles)
What?
Bangkok.
It's a real place, you nimrod.
Still funny though.
Anyway, I was in this bar
and I met this beautiful woman,
and I was a little drunk
and I didn't notice the Adam's apple.
But later that night....
Well, believe me, I was really embarrassed.
Girls don't have Adam's apples.
Oh, dude, you are such a 'mo.
No, no, no, no, we just kissed.
Oh, that's even worse!
All right.
I shared. Now you share.
You didn't have to share that.
A fart in the lunch line would've made your point.
I get it.
I'm sorry. Now talk.
Okay.
Well, there's this girl I kinda like
and she's gonna be at the party tonight.
Uh-huh.
And she... said she wants to hook up with me.
And you're nervous.
Well, she's gone out with a ninth grader
and I think she's done stuff.
Okay, I get it.
You've got yourself an experienced older woman
who knows more than you.
Everybody knows more than me.
You should hear some of the things my friends have done.
Oh, please.
How old are your friends?
Same age as me.
How old are you?
Fourteen.
Mmm, horrible age.
All right,
first of all,
whenever 14-year-old boys talk about sex, they're lying.
But for a guy like you,
the truth can be a powerful tool.
(chuckles)
What?
Powerful tool.
(sighs)
Stay with me, Jake.
How about a powerful tool in Bangkok?
Jake, what I'm trying to tell you here
is that the truth can work for you.
What truth? That I don't know what I'm doing?
Yep, play to your strengths,
which in your case is ignorance.
Here, I'll show you.
(clears throat)
You gently cup her face in your hands,
look her in the eye and tell her,
"I'm new at this
and I'm trusting you to be patient with me."
You're kidding.
Nope.
Girls eat that crap up.
And I'll tell you something else--
that line will work for you all the way through college.
Or in your case, your second hitch in the Navy.
Now go get dressed
and I'll take you to that party.
Thanks, Uncle Charlie.
No problem, buddy.
Still didn't need to hear that Bangkok story.
I'm sorry.
It's going to give me nightmares.
Welcome to the club.
All right, we're agreed on a Montessori preschool.
But what about child care?
Oh, well, uh, Judith's mother has already told us
we can count on her for baby-sitting.
Ooh.
What?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Lenore's a lovely woman.
I'm, I'm sure the baby will be fine.
Oh, okay, good.
Yeah.
She's probably got a lid on those demons by now.
What demons?
Oh, ah, well, it's no biggie.
Um, she just, uh, hit a little rough patch
with the prescription pills...
...the intervention, the, the rehab.
There was an intervention?
And rehab.
Um, three times.
Three times?
Well, so far. Um....
Oh, dear God, what the hell happened?
(sighs)
Golly, I-I didn't want to be the one to tell you.
Alan, please.
(sighs)
All right, um,
Lenore was baby-sitting one night,
and when Judith and I came home,
we found her face down in a bowl of H agen-Dazs
with a couple of Percocets in her hair.
You're kidding.
Well, that's not the scary part.
Um, we heard some shrieking
and, uh, found baby Jake with his head stuck
in a doggie door trying to fend off a raccoon.
A raccoon?!
Yeah. Yeah.
We-we got him all the shots just to be safe,
but he was never the same after that.
Judith never told me about this.
Well, it's her mother, Herb.
What's she gonna say?
But tell you what,
sneak up on Jake one night wearing a Davy Crockett hat
and see what happens.
Anyway,
if you ever need a-a sitter for little Jolene,
you, uh, you call Uncle Alan.
How's it going in here?
Oh, honey, good news.
Alan's offered to baby-sit
so we don't have to risk calling your mother.
JUDITH: Get out!
A raccoon?!
And you believed him?!
Are you insane?!
* Men. *
How do I look?
She already likes you, right?
Yeah.
Then you look great.
Let's go.
Hello?
Oh.
I'm still not real sure about this.
What's the big deal?
I told you how to handle it.
I know.
I just...
I just don't want to go.
All right...
All right.
No hurry.
It's not like they're going to stop makin' girls.
Hey...
how about we order that pizza and watch a movie?
Cool.
I should probably change back into my eating shirt.
Don't worry.
You can't ruin this shirt.
(sniffing)
What the hell is that cologne?
Air freshener from the toilet.
I figured I was spraying it anyway.
* Men. *
(doorbell rings)
Oh, hey, Judith.
What's up?
Actually, quite a bit.
Is something wrong?
No, uh, it's just, um,
I think it's time you knew the truth.
What truth?
Marlene Melnick is your daughter.
I knew it!
For 14 years I've known it.
Well, I told her everything
and she wants to live with her real dad.
That's great.
It's okay, honey.
Come on in.
Hi, Daddy.
Got anything to eat?
I'm a wuss.