* Men. *
I know you hate it when I review the game tapes,
but that was one for the highlight reel.
"The highlight reel"?
Yeah, you know, "best of" moments
for deathbed reflections.
Only in your memory, right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I got rid of the camcorder like I promised.
Good.
It's a shame.
The camera really loves you.
Shut up, Charlie.
I'm not just saying that.
Even from unflattering angles,
you light up the screen.
Oh, I hate you.
That's too bad, 'cause I love you.
Really?
Um... actually,
yes.
Yes, I do.
I love you, Chelsea.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Thank you.
(door closes)
No, no, thank you.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh
* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ah. * Men. * Men.
Morning.
Always got to make a comment, don't you?
Oh, my.
Fitful night's sleep on Alcohol Island?
Keep it up, funny man.
You're going to be homeless, wearing a tube top
and turning tricks on Santa Monica Boulevard.
Wow.
What crawled in your keister and built a nest?
You want to know? You really want to know?
I've fallen in love with Chelsea.
Oh. Well, why are you so upset?
Love is a beautiful thing.
Beautiful thing, my ass.
And we're back in your keister.
Last night, in bed,
I told her I loved her.
And you know what she said?
Uh... "I'm still not going to let you do that"?
She said, "Thank you."
Ooh, that's an ice cube to the man sack.
I don't get it.
I've gone the whole nine yards for this relationship.
I gave her her own drawer in my bedroom.
I stopped smoking cigars after sex.
I even started seeing a shrink so I can be more sensitive,
and I still can't get a freaking "I love you."
But you've obviously become more sensitive.
For what I've spent on therapy,
I could get a couple of very expensive hookers
who will say anything I want.
There's that sensitivity again.
Look at the bright side.
What's the bright side?
Well, when women do tell you they love you,
it usually ends with them tossing a lit road flare
through your bedroom window.
That happened one time.
Why can't you just be grateful for what you've got?
What do I got?
Oh, a woman who may not proclaim her love for you,
but who doesn't try to set you on fire
while you're sleeping.
One time.
Okay.
A woman who may not proclaim her love for you,
but who doesn't steal your Mercedes
while you're passed out in the backseat
and drive it into the Pacific Ocean.
Another isolated incident.
I believe I've made my point.
I'm sorry, Alan.
But not being drowned or burned by the woman I love
is not enough for me.
I want more.
Oh, sure.
Reach for the stars.
* Men. *
Hey, Charlie, how's it going?
Boy, you really blew it this time.
Did I now? How so?
I've fallen in love with Chelsea.
Ooh, my bad.
Damn right, your bad.
There were plenty of medications that would've turned me
into a happy little potato,
but would you prescribe them? No!
You said I had to get in touch with my feelings
and express them to the people I care about.
Sorry, I must've been drunk.
No. No, it's too late for excuses.
I'm sensing something happened with Chelsea.
Oh, you're good.
There's no sliding anything past you.
Hey,
last night I dreamt I was a giant hot dog
jumping through a doughnut that looked like my mother.
What do you suppose that means?
All right, Charlie, you've made your point.
Now, tell me what happened.
We can go back to the doughnut dream later.
It wasn't a real dream.
I was being sarcastic.
Oh, I know, but the fact that you chose
that particular imagery is a little troubling.
Now, what happened with Chelsea?
I told her I loved her, and you know what she said?
This process isn't really about me guessing, Charlie.
She said, "Thank you."
Interesting.
How did that make you feel?
No, no, no, no, no! No more feelings.
We tried it your way.
Now, just take out your little prescription pad
and start scribbling.
You don't need medication, Charlie.
You're actually making tremendous progress.
Are you not listening to a thing I say?!
I drift in and out.
Look, the fact that you're upset about this
tells me you've come a long way from the guy
who first walked into this office.
The guy who first walked into this office
was a happy-go-lucky, fully-functioning man whore
and I want him back.
I'm guessing you don't mean that.
Oh, now you're guessing?
A minute ago it was, "That's not how the process works."
A minute ago, it didn't.
So are you still seeing Chelsea?
Well, of course I'm still seeing her,
but now the relationship's totally screwed.
Why is that?
She knows I love her.
The whole balance of power is completely out of whack.
Huh.
Okay, I really don't like it when you give me the "huh."
Huh.
Now, you're just screwing with me, right?
There's no sliding anything past you.
So let's talk about this whole balance of power
issue of yours. What about it?
Why do you look at relationships as a power struggle?
'Cause that's what they are.
Is that how you saw your parents' relationship,
as a power struggle?
Oh, there was no struggle.
My father sat very quietly
while my mother sucked the life out of him.
I see, and you're terrified of that happening to you.
No, I'm looking forward to it.
In fact, I'm thinking about having
a nozzle attached to my heart
to make the sucking more convenient.
Let me ask you something.
What would it take for you feel
that things were back in balance with Chelsea?
Simple. She has to tell me she loves me.
Even if she doesn't feel it?
It's even better if she doesn't feel it.
'Cause that means she's only saying it
'cause she's afraid to lose me.
Wow.
"Wow"?
What's "wow"?
Kind of like "huh," but with a "wuh" and an "ow."
Charlie, I would suggest that you forget about
getting the "I love you" back and focus more
on what it feels like to give love,
maybe for the first time in your life.
You know, I can get the drugs without you.
I've got a nephew in junior high.
Do what you got to do.
Now, let's get back to that mom-shaped doughnut of yours.
* Men. *
So you really told her you loved her?
Yeah.
Were you loaded?
No.
Were you trying to get her to do something kinky?
No.
Did she catch you doing something kinky
to somebody else?
No.
By yourself?
No.
Then I don't get it.
What was your angle?
My angle was I love her.
Huh.
Why does everybody go "huh"?
What's with the "huh"?
We always knew this day would come.
What day?
The day you stopped manipulating and conning women.
The day you dropped your guard
and let an honest emotion into your heart.
Well, that's a good day, right?
If you don't mind being some broad's prison bitch.
What are you going to do now?
I don't know.
I can't keep seeing her, 'cause the relationship's
completely out of balance,
and I can't stop seeing her because I love her.
I feel for you.
I once loved a guy, didn't love me back.
What did you do? 90 days in County.
Plus anger management classes,
which by the way, are a total freaking waste of time.
(music playing on TV)
Hey. Hey.
Have you ever been in love?
* Men. *
Hey, Alan.
ALAN Ocupado!
I got it! I got it!
I know how to restore
the balance of power with Chelsea.
Excuse me!
What part of "ocupado" don't you understand?
The "ocu" or the "pado"?
I understood it all.
I was just hoping you were shaving.
Well, I'm not!
And as you well know, this is an uphill battle for me,
even in the best of circumstances.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but this is important.
I'm going to get an "I love you" from Chelsea.
If you let me finish,
you'll get one from me.
Check this out.
Oh, Charlie, this is so sudden.
If you wait a few minutes,
I'll have a gift for you.
I'm going to marry Chelsea.
Are you serious?
Serious enough to ignore
what's going on right in front of me.
Well, congratulations... I guess.
Thank you.
Let's see her not say "I love you" now.
Let's see what marriage does to his bowels.
* Men. *
How's your salmon?
Delicious.
And this is such a romantic restaurant.
I'm glad you like it.
Have you been here before?
No.
Yes.
Well, a couple times.
A lot.
I know you've dated other women.
Why would you lie?
Survival instinct.
Same reason I don't drink in the bathtub anymore.
What else have you lied to me about?
I don't know.
What else haven't you believed?
You're awful.
Awful good, right?
Yeah.
Excuse me, I have to powder my nose.
Okay, who's lying now?
(quietly): Bobby.
Is everything all right, Mr. Harper?
Yeah, terrific. Listen, my date's in the ladies' room
and I need you to do something for me.
Not a problem.
I'll have the valet bring your car around to the alley.
I'll open the men's restroom window so you can shimmy out.
And I'll have a cab standing by to take the lady home
along with the customary chocolate soufflé to go.
No, no, no, I'm not breaking up with her.
I'm going to ask her to marry me.
I think we need to get some coffee in you.
I'm not drunk.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
As always.
All I need you to do is bring a bottle of champagne,
pour a glass for her and a glass for me,
then distract her so I can slip the ring into her glass.
Oh, how charmingly original.
You've seen that before?
Never.
Here she comes.
Go get the champagne.
I'll keep the bathroom window open just in case.
Charlie, there's something I want to talk to you about.
Okay.
The other day when you said you loved me,
I didn't really respond.
Yes, you did.
You said, "Thank you."
You were very courteous.
It's not that I don't have
strong feelings for you, it's just that
taking that extra step is really hard for me.
Well, don't worry about it.
I'm sure you'll take that step when it's appropriate.
Oh, look, champagne.
Ooh, is it a special occasion?
Every night with you is a special occasion.
I'm going to miss you, sir.
(mouthing words)
Oh, dear.
I hope I'm not having a massive coronary.
Oh, my God, are you all right?
I'm not sure.
Yes, I'm fine.
(sotto voce): The one waiter in L.A. who's not an actor.
What?
Nothing. Nothing.
A toast.
To saying what we feel.
What the hell did I just swallow?
A one-bedroom condo. What?
I put a diamond ring in your champagne glass.
Why?
What do you mean "why?"
I was going to propose and I had no idea you'd chug it
like a Jell-O shot.
That was a ring I just swallowed?
Who drinks champagne like that?
I was thirsty.
Stop yelling at me!
How in God's name could you swallow it so easily?
Hey, that's one of the things you love about me!
Problem?
No problem. Go away.
Car's outside, window's open.
Let's go.
Where?
The emergency room. Why?
Because I have a ring in my stomach!
Oh, don't worry about that. You'll be fine.
How do you know? When Jake was little,
he swallowed a handful of nickels.
Nothing bad happened.
Are you sure?
Absolutely.
He still shoots one out every now and then.
Bets me heads or tails.
Just between you and me,
I'm not even sure they're the same nickels.
Trust me.
A couple cups of coffee in the morning,
problem solved.
I suppose you're right.
So, what do you say?
What do I say about what?
I asked you to marry me.
No, you didn't.
Well, I was about to until you ruined the moment.
I ruined the moment?
Okay. Okay, there's no sense in assigning blame.
The point is, I'm proposing.
You want to marry me.
Yes. I love you.
Oh... I don't know what to say.
Say you love me and you'll marry me.
Gee, Charlie, you're kind of putting me on the spot here.
Yeah, well, that's kind of built into the whole proposal concept.
Oh, come on, just say it so we can be even.
"Even"?
Is that what this is about?
Some kind of power thing?
N-no, no, no.
I meant so that we could be even... closer.
Right.
Okay, that was lame.
But don't blame me, blame my shrink.
What? If I was properly medicated,
we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Boy, this keeps getting more and more romantic.
Look, do you love me or not?
I guess so.
No guessing.
That's not how the process works.
All right, I love you.
Oh, great! Great, good.
That's all I wanted.
But I won't marry you.
What? Oh, yeah, right.
That's okay, no biggie.
I just got out of a marriage.
I'm not ready to do it again.
That's fine. I understand.
I'm not saying "no,"
I'm just saying "not now."
Hey, "not now" is my favorite time for a wedding.
The important thing is that we love each other.
Right. Equally.
Yes. Fifty-fifty.
If it means that much to you.
Come on, say it again.
"I love you."
No.
Why not?
I want to see the ring first.
* Men. *
Hey, Berta?
Where do we keep the spaghetti strainer thingie?
It's called a "colander."
What do you need it for?
It's not for me. It's for Chelsea.
Okay, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show
you got going up there?
Trust me, you don't need the details.
I don't want the details.
I just need to know whether to wash it
or throw it away when you're done.
Oh, I think you'll want to throw it away.
Morning. Hey, Alan.
Congratulate me.
I'm kind of engaged.
So she said "yes"?
Not exactly.
You gave her the ring, right?
Yep. Well, what did she say?
(gagging)
You had to be there.
Okay.
So, have you set a date?
For what?
The wedding.
What wedding?
Nobody's getting married. I'm just engaged.
When do we get to see this rock?
Well, Chelsea just finished her second cup of coffee,
so I'd guess... 15, 20 minutes.
Anybody understand what that was all about?
I think Chelsea swallowed some nickels.
* Men. *
Chelsea?
CHELSEA: Yeah?
You've been in there for awhile.
How's it going?
Just fine.
You need any help?
I brought Alan's little poop stool.
Go away!
All right, all right.
But just remember,
when you hear a metallic clink, stop.
I think I can handle it.
I'm just saying, it's not on my homeowner's policy yet,
so if you flush it by mistake, I'm screwed.
Charlie, I swear
if you don't walk away from that door,
I will eat a block of cheese
and you will never see that ring again!
Okay, I'm walking. Good.
Love you.
Don't push it, Charlie!
Right back at you.
(clinking)
Oh, Charlie, it's beautiful.