* Men. *
(woman coughing)
(woman honking nose)
Chelsea?
(congested): Yeah?
You okay?
I think I'm coming down with a cold.
(nose honking)
That doesn't sound like a cold,
it sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.
Do I feel hot to you?
Let me see.
Stop it.
You're supposed to feel my head.
Yeah, but those babies are my frame of reference.
(coughing)
Maybe I should go home.
Well, if you think that's the right thing to do.
Charlie, it's the middle of the night and I'm sick.
I'm not going home.
Then why'd you say you were?
I was testing you.
Yeah, well, I knew that
and I was testing you.
I think we both did very well.
(coughing)
Tell you what,
you get a good night's sleep.
I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna go crash on the couch,
let you have the whole bed to yourself.
Really? You're gonna leave me here alone?
No, no, I just thought you might want your own space.
You know, when dogs are sick,
they hide till they feel better.
Probably why they're man's best friend.
Could you please stay?
Pretty please?
How can I say no?
(under breath): Seriously, how?
Spoon?
Try and stop me.
(coughing and clearing throat)
So what, you're just gonna swallow that?
Go to sleep.
What are you doing?
Come on, you know what happens when we spoon.
I'm sick.
Obviously, so am I.
All right, fine.
Go ahead.
This is another test, isn't it?
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh
* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ah. * Men. * Men.
* Men. *
TV ANNOUNCER: Coming up next on Turner Classic Movies:
The Bridges of Madison County.
I am not gonna cry.
Hey.
What are you doing up?
Watching a Clint Eastwood movie.
What are you doing up?
Chelsea's sick.
She was coughing and sneezing all over the place.
Oh, no. Yeah.
I had to wait till she finally fell asleep
so I could get the hell outta there
without pissin' her off.
How considerate.
What do you want from me?
I'm not a big phlegm fan.
(movie plays indistinctly)
This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie.
Yes, it is.
Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think
this is a Clint Eastwood movie.
Well, tough, I like it.
Sure, you do.
You're a giant fruit basket.
I'll never apologize for my feminine side.
Boy, I hope she gets better soon.
This sick stuff is not what I signed on for.
You're kidding, right?
This is exactly what you signed on for.
(broadcast stops)
You told Chelsea you loved her,
you gave her an engagement ring.
This is what it's all about.
Being there for her, no matter what.
For richer or poorer, better or worse,
in sickness and in health.
Call me crazy, but I prefer richer,
better and health.
Well, regardless, this could be a real opportunity for you.
Opportunity for what, a massive infection?
An opportunity to show her that she can depend on you.
That you're not just there for the good times.
Okay, I hear that.
But tell me one thing.
Yeah?
What's in it for me?
Watch Clint and Meryl.
(broadcast resumes)
Learn how to love.
I'll take my chances in the snot locker.
I will not cry.
* Men. *
CHELSEA (weakly): Charlie?
You awake?
(sighs)
Boy, I hope not.
I feel awful.
Really?
You look swell.
I should go home.
No, no, no, no.
I am not falling for that again.
You stay right here, let me take care of you.
You mean it?
Oh, man, do I have to mean it, too?
Just kiddin'.
Can I make you some tea or something?
Yes, please.
Comin' up.
With honey?
Sure.
And maybe an English muffin.
No problem.
Toasted crispy.
Right.
And let the butter melt into all the nooks and crannies
before you put the jam on.
Anything else?
Can I have a hug?
Try and stop me.
Nice necklace.
Thanks.
Buy it for yourself?
No, a girl gave it to me.
Really?
She must like you.
Yeah, she's nuts for me.
Well, is she cute?
I guess.
You, uh, you don't seem very happy about it.
I'm not.
Why? What's the problem?
She's nine.
Nine?
Where would you meet a nine-year-old girl?
We're in the same math class.
Is, uh, is she one of those advanced students?
Sadly, no.
But she does help me with my homework.
Hey, Berta, Chelsea's not feeling well.
Could you make her some tea and an English muffin?
Sure, I could.
But you won't.
Is that what you're saying?
Where are the muffins?
In the fridge.
As always.
Don't condescend to me.
He does it to me all the time.
It's very irritating.
No one's talking to you.
See? Like that.
That wasn't condescending.
But that was, right?
Right...
Boy, as soon as I get my license, I am so outta here.
Sure. You can drive your girlfriend to Gymboree.
At least I have a girlfriend.
(mocking): At least I have a girlfriend.
So what's the deal?
Does, uh, Chelsea have a cold?
I'm not sure.
Cold, flu, something disgusting.
Maybe she has an STD.
What?
It means "sexually transmitted disease."
I know what STD's are.
Your uncle helped invent them.
You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.
I know we could've prevented you by using a condom.
Now we gotta use a hammer.
I don't understand.
Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you.
Okay.
You must be so proud.
JAKE: Ball peen
or claw hammer?
Do me a favor,
when he comes back, just do it.
* Men. *
Okay, here we go.
Room service.
Chelsea?
Honey?
CHELSEA (congested): Don't come in.
Wasn't even tempted.
I got your tea and muffins.
I have diarrhea.
I can't eat now.
I may never eat again.
Would you mind going to the drugstore for me?
For you, I'd go to the ends of the earth.
(under breath): Coming back's a whole other question.
What?
I said, "What do you need?"
Well, I need Pepto,
and we're almost out of tissues,
and I need some decongestant,
some cough syrup,
something for canker sores, and wet wipes.
For your hands?
No. Got it.
And I'm probably gonna need some tampons.
(under breath): Oh, great.
There's gonna be blood, too.
You're really being wonderful
about all this, Charlie.
Oh, it's nothing.
It's what a guy does when he loves somebody.
Should've known.
The second you give 'em a ring, they fall out of warranty.
* Men. *
Hey, Russell? Mm-hmm?
What's good for canker sores?
You got canker sores?
No, my girlfriend.
What do you recommend?
Tennis shoes.
Excuse me?
Put 'em on and run away.
There's a lot of broads out there.
Find a clean one.
I-I can't run away.
I'm kind of engaged to her.
Oh, Charlie, no.
Yup. I bit the bullet.
You bit the big one.
Hey, just because you blew three marriages doesn't mean
I can't make this work.
(laughs)
You're a funny guy, Charlie.
And that's not just the Oxycontin talking.
Here you go.
Cank-B-Gone.
What else?
Uh, let's see.
Cough syrup.
Regular or codeine?
Don't you need a prescription for codeine?
What are you, a cop?
Here.
I'll give you the kid stuff.
What else?
Uh, tissues, throat lozenges,
decongestant, Pepto, wet wipes.
Geez, where'd you find this one?
A hospital parking lot?
Come on, Russell, help me out.
Okay. Okay, here you go.
A dam for every river.
A plug for every jug.
Oh, right, I almost forgot.
She also needs tampons.
Oh, lucky you.
(laughing)
What size?
How should I know?
Is there some kind
of a condom-tampon conversion chart?
No, but that's an amusing idea.
Actually, it's not about size, per se.
It's more about flow.
Okay, see, that's a piece of information
I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing.
Here you go.
Here's a variety pack.
This'll handle anything
from a little drizzle to a monsoon.
Listen, is it too late to change my mind about the codeine?
The first one's free.
* Men. *
(coughing)
Okay, got all your stuff.
Took you long enough. Whoa!
Whoa! I just went shopping for wet wipes and tampons.
I'm allowed to take my time.
I'm sorry. Are you mad at me?
No. No.
Why would I be mad at you?
'Cause I'm sick, and you have to take care of me.
Are you kidding me?
I love taking care of you.
I just... love...
...it.
Yeah, I can see that.
Listen, could you go over to my place
and get me some clean clothes and feed Sir Lancelot?
Who?
My cat.
He's not gonna feed himself, Charlie.
Are you sure?
Maybe you've got mice.
And you're probably gonna have to change the litter box, too.
Change it into what?
You got to scoop out the poop and put in fresh litter.
Oh, this just keeps getting better and better.
Charlie?
Yeah?
I love you.
Great.
Aren't you gonna say it back?
I'm gonna go pan for cat turds.
If that doesn't say "I love you,"
nothing does.
I promise, I'm wearing it.
Wait a sec.
Okay, I sent you a picture.
Now what's the answer to number four?
Oh, yeah. That's what I had.
What you doing, Alan?
My taxes. I promised myself
I wouldn't wait till the last minute this year.
Yeah, and you promised me you'd only stay here
for a few days, so your word means nothing.
Come on, you're driving me to Chelsea's.
Why don't you drive yourself?
Because I just chugged
a half a bottle of codeine,
and this bourbon might make me a bit of a threat on the road.
Ah, good call.
* Men. *
Here, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Okay, I got her clean clothes.
Great.
Now I just got to feed the damn cat.
Come on, Sir Lancelot.
Come out and eat your kibble.
(cat yowling)
Oh!
Son of a bitch!
I'm pretty sure if you just put the food out,
he'll find it and eat it when he's hungry.
Really? You'd think if he was that smart,
he'd just crap in the toilet instead of a litter box.
Oh, uh, did you change the litter yet?
No. I was actually gonna offer you $20 to do it.
I'll take it.
Deal...
Ha, ha. I would have done it for ten.
Ha, ha. I would have given you a thousand.
Whoa. Big cat.
You know what I just realized, Alan?
Cough syrup and hard liquor don't mix?
No, they're delightful.
I'm thinking that sooner or later,
Chelsea's gonna want to move in with me.
Yeah, if you marry her, that's a chance you take.
And she's probably gonna want to bring Sir Craps-a-lot.
You never know.
He might want to get his own place.
I'm guessing he will before you will.
Oh, Lord.
This cat's been eating more than kibble.
This turd's got feathers.
You know, there's a real chance that someday,
without any kind of warning whatsoever,
Chelsea will up and decide to get sick again.
And we're on the air with codeine and bourbon.
Go ahead, caller.
I'm just saying, I don't think I can go through it again.
I'm not cut out to be a caregiver.
Well, you might not think so, but you're doing it.
I mean, you, Charlie Harper, are unselfishly taking care
of the woman you love.
Maybe so, but...
it's getting harder and harder to love her.
You don't mean that.
Oh, Alan,
if you'd seen and heard the things I have
in the last 24 hours, it'd turn you gayer than a French horn.
Excuse me, but I have witnessed childbirth.
I saw my son's enormous head poke out
of what used to be one of my very favorite places.
Thanks for the image.
I'll never be able to watch the kid pull on a sweater again.
Trust me. If you hang in there and show Chelsea
that you'll stick by her even when she's not at her best,
she will love you more deeply and intensely
than you ever could have imagined.
And you know this how?
How else? Chick flicks.
Oh.
This is not a kitty cat.
This is a mountain lion.
Look.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
* Men. *
You need some more orange juice?
No, thank you.
It was so nice of you
to bring some up without me even asking.
Don't tell Charlie.
It's taken a long time
to train him not to expect anything from me.
Yeah.
He really is crazy about you, you know.
You think?
Are you kidding?
Charlie doesn't go near sick women.
I mean, physically sick.
Around here, one sneeze will get you cab fare
and a complimentary travel mug.
I have noticed he's trying very hard.
Just remember, when it comes to nurturing,
Charlie's like a dog playing the piano.
You can't fault him if he hits a few bum notes.
You just got to applaud
the effort and hope he doesn't whiz all over the keys.
I understand.
Thanks, Berta.
Just so we're clear, this ain't no hotel.
You need more towels, you get 'em yourself.
Sorry about that.
You really can't expect much from her.
I won't.
Here. I got you clean clothes and underwear.
The cat's fed,
and the litter box is turd free.
Thank you, Charlie.
You have been so wonderful through all of this.
I have, haven't I?
I just want you to know
I am definitely gonna make it up to you.
Chelsea, to be honest,
that's the only thing that's kept me going.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh, what?
(retching) (splattering)
Oh, Charlie, I'm so sorry.
No, no, it's okay.
At least it's not wicker.
Excuse me a sec.
(loud retching and splattering)
* Men. *
(coughing)
(loud nose blowing)
(coughing)
Okay, I am going to go to the pharmacy
and get your medicine.
If you get it from Russell,
count the pills.
Will do.
Hope you feel better.
Thanks.
Charlie, you don't mind Sir Lancelot being here, do you?
No, not at all.
I love cats.
Good.
(coughing)
(door closes)
(scratching at door)
Don't scratch the door, Sir Lancelot!
Did you clean my litter box?
Oh, come on. I've been sick.
Fine. I'll just use your facilities.
Not in the tub this time, okay?
Your house, your rules.
(panting)
(sighs)
I'm not gonna make it.
(coughing)
Yes, you are.