How long are you gonna keep punishing me for this?
Okay, okay, uh, once again,
uh, I did not technically have sex with your mother.
You want to catch me up?
ALAN: Melissa, are you gonna let me talk?
Well, you know Alan was nailing his receptionist, right? Yeah.
Apparently, she caught him in bed with her mother.
Are you gonna let me talk?
What do you know?
I've been calling him that for years,
and now he's up and done it.
I-I was not responsible for my actions.
I was stoned out of my mind.
You know, that excuse has never once worked for me.
Me, either.
Cops or boyfriends.
No. Hey, hey, hey,
your mother put enough pot in that banana bread
to treat every case of glaucoma in the San Fernando Valley.
I have a recipe for macaroons.
Very similar.
I was so high, I didn't even know who she was.
We were just colors.
I was red, she was blue.
We were trying to make purple.
Honey, my phone's dead. Can I borrow your cell?
Sure. It's on the coffee table.
Thanks.
Okay, so-so bottom line,
I was drugged and molested by your mother,
and I'm the bad guy?
Man, how many times have I heard you make this phone call?
Yeah, who'd have thought, of the two of us, I'd be the one
to end up in a healthy, stable relationship?
Who is Rachel,
and why is she sending you topless photos?
Um...
Yeah, who'd have thought?
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh
* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
* Men.
You want to explain to me
why this woman is sending you naked pictures of herself?
I'd love to explain it.
Go ahead.
I said I'd love to.
I didn't say I could.
Are you sleeping with her?
No, no, of course not.
Then why the pictures?
Uh, well,
my-my-my-my... my best guess would be
that, like a lot of girls,
she wanted to show off her new boob job.
That's your best guess?
Well, you wouldn't understand
because clearly, God has blessed you
with this great bounty.
Damn it, Charlie, I want to know...
Excuse me. I am on the phone.
(whispering): Shh. Alan's on the phone.
Don't shush me.
Who is this Rachel?
Nobody really.
I used to go out with her way, way before you and I met
and I fell so deeply in love.
Head-over-heels in love.
Puppy dog love. Woof!
Hang on, Melissa.
I couldn't hear anything after "You son of a bitch."
Does this Rachel know you're engaged?
Um...
Think long and hard
before you start lying to me.
I was. That's why I said, "Um..."
Charlie...
She doesn't know. Why not?
Boy, you're gonna keep this flapjack
on the griddle, aren't you?
(laughing)
Berta, would you give us a minute?
Oh, you're gonna need more than a minute.
So long.
I'm gonna miss you.
What are you talking about?
She's not going anywhere.
Are you? Where-where you going? Chelsea?
Chelsea, wait.
Can't we just put this behind us?
I-I swear I'll never make out with your mother again.
Let's face it, Charlie.
We both knew you were gonna blow it eventually.
I didn't. I had my suspicions, but I wasn't sure.
I wish I could say the same. Good-bye.
Oh, please don't leave.
Oh, please don't hang up.
CHARLIE & ALAN: I love you!
And I love you, too.
* Men.
Sure you don't want a drink?
No.
When I'm depressed, alcohol just makes me feel worse.
Yeah, see, the trick is to drink past that.
Not a sprint, it's a marathon.
You ever think we're both doomed to grow old alone and unloved?
A couple of pathetic bachelors
with no one to talk to but each other?
You ought to do ads for this stuff.
So, are you gonna tell me what happened with Chelsea?
I can show you.
Chelsea found this on my phone.
I ask you,
is that worth breaking an engagement?
Oh!
It's worth breaking a spine.
Were you sleeping with this girl?
No. No.
She just sent me a few pictures.
Oh. Well, then, why'd you keep 'em?
All right, all right, all right.
But you got to understand the-the message
that this sends to Chelsea.
Other than, you know,
"Got milk?"
But I'm not cheating.
There are other forms of cheating.
There's, uh... there's, uh, flirting.
There's fantasizing about other women...
Oh, come on.
Fantasizing is not cheating.
To women it is.
They-they don't like the idea that
you're mentally replacing them with someone else.
What if I'm mentally supplementing them
with someone else?
You know,
like I'm making love to Chelsea,
and in my mind, Rachel here is just helping out.
(moaning)
She does look very helpful.
Nevertheless, I-I can understand
why Chelsea would take a dimmer view.
Yeah, well, I think she overreacted.
In fact, I think she owes me an apology.
Really? So, you're just gonna sit here
and wait till she comes crawling back,
are you? Yes, I am.
And then, because hell will long since have frozen over,
we can go ice-skating.
It's good that you have a plan.
Now if you will pardon me,
I have to go pick up Jake at his mother's.
Oh, good.
Just what we need to brighten up our weekend.
A large, sullen teenager
with gas and questionable hygiene.
There's nothing questionable about it.
(sighs)
There we go.
(breathes in through teeth)
Over the hump.
* Men.
JUDITH: She's my mother, Herb!
I want her here when I have the baby!
HERB: Yeah, well, I don't need yet another woman in this house
yelling at me, calling me an idiot!
JUDITH: My mother doesn't yell, you idiot!
HERB: Okay, I'm gonna let that pass because you're pregnant!
JUDITH: Don't you dare blame this on hormones!
HERB: What's my alternative, Judith?!
Accept the fact that I'm an idiot?!
(sighs)
Oh, hey, Alan.
Is this a bad time?
They're all bad.
Seven-and-a-half months of bad.
Don't you walk away from me.
Well, I'm sorry. I was answering the door!
That's what we idiots do when we hear a doorbell.
Hi, Dad. Bye, Mom.
Good luck, Herb.
Bye, Jake.
Wish I was going with you.
I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth.
* Men.
(sighs)
I could get used to this.
Don't.
As far as Charlie is concerned, mi casa es mi casa.
All right, I've ordered your pizza.
I'm going home.
Thanks, Berta.
Ordering a pizza and going home--
two of the three things you want in a woman.
And you wonder why Chelsea dumped you.
I'll tell you what I wonder.
I wonder how you could possibly get stoned enough
to stick your tongue
in the mouth of a 60-year-old woman.
Zing!
Boy, I just love this male bonding.
Giving each other the old business.
The old business?
Yeah, you know, the needle,
the zetz, the razzmatazz.
Herb, I got to ask you something.
Are there any other guys you hang out with?
Oh, sure, I have my peeps.
There's my, uh, water polo league,
the guys down at the model train shop.
Oh, and my, uh, barbershop quartet.
Although I can't have them over to the house anymore.
Why not?
Four part harmony
triggers Judith's migraines.
Plus, mustaches creep her out.
Oh, not just mustaches.
Any facial hair whatsoever.
Except eyebrows.
Neatly trimmed.
Right. The two finger rule.
Mm.
Huh. Chelsea had a two finger rule.
Nothing to do with eyebrows, though.
All right, I'll see you later.
Where are you going?
Down to the pier with Celeste. Who's Celeste?
My girlfriend. She lives next door.
Is she pretty?
She's gorgeous
and smart and popular.
No kidding?
We don't get it, either.
Maybe she's punishing her father.
Let's hope so.
You know, I'm just the stepdad here,
but, uh, shouldn't you tell him what time to be home?
I don't have to.
I know her father.
Hey, Jake.
Hello, sir.
Celeste, Jake's here!
So how have you been?
We're walking down to the pier,
we're gonna play skeeball, we'll be back by 11:00.
You're damn right you will.
* Men.
Come on.
It's freezing out here.
Shouldn't we put out the cigars?
Why?
Uh... 'cause we're not allowed to smoke in the house?
It's my house.
We can smoke cigars, we can smoke salmon,
whatever we want.
Are you sure?
Relax.
No whiny broad is going to nag at you.
Uh, Herb, make sure you use an ashtray and a coaster.
I stand corrected.
Zing!
Hotcha!
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, this is going to be a long night.
Hi, Charlie.
Oh, God.
What did the little knucklehead do?
Nothing-- Jake said you guys were hanging out,
and I thought you might want some company. Sure, come on in.
I baked snickerdoodles if you're hungry.
(chuckling)
You baked snickerdoodles?
Yeah-- why is that funny?
It's not.
You know Alan,
and this is Herb.
Hi. Hi.
Make yourself comfortable.
Can I get you something to drink?
I wouldn't say no to an apple-tini.
An apple-tini?
My brother drinks apple-tinis.
Why is that funny?
It's not.
One apple-tini coming up.
He can get away with it; you can't.
So, how do you know Charlie and Alan?
Oh, I'm married to Alan's ex-wife.
No kidding.
And you hang out?
Yeah. Sure.
Wow.
I couldn't be friends
with the man who's putting it to my ex.
Well, to be fair, there hasn't been a lot of putting lately.
And after the baby's born, there will be even less.
How is that possible?
Not only will she not let you touch her,
she'll interrupt you while you're touching yourself.
Aw.
I had to start showering at the Y.
(groans)
Okay, one apple-tini.
Thank you.
What are you guys talking about?
Masturbating at the YMCA.
Really?
Just talk, right?
Yeah, but the night is young.
So, Jerome...
solve one of the great mysteries of life for us.
What does your daughter see in Jake?
You know, I've been asking myself the same thing.
Maybe she's punishing me.
No offense.
None taken.
We're way ahead of you.
You know, my wife and I are having a girl.
Any advice?
Yeah.
Before your daughter starts dating,
um, bulk up.
Okay.
Boy.
Remember when we first started dating?
Yep, eighth grade.
Louise Miller.
Oh, ninth grade.
Maxine Chernakoff.
Sixth grade, Mrs. Terapotta.
Wasn't actually a date.
Nowadays, she'd probably go to jail.
So, uh, what about you, Herb?
What about me, what?
Uh, your first date.
Uh, junior high, high school?
College, freshman year.
I was kind of a geek in high school.
Hard to believe.
No, really.
They called me Big Bird.
So, what happened in college?
I stopped wearing yellow shirts and lowered my standards.
Okay, okay.
Here's one.
First sexual experience
that was not traditional intercourse.
What are we talking about here?
You know what I'm talking about.
Boy Scouts?
What?
Oh.
Zing!
Alan. Hmm?
When did you first take your oral exams?
Oh, I... I-I don't think I should say.
Why not? I just don't.
Come on, Alan, we're all friends. Who was it?
Your wife.
So, your first time doing that was with Judith?
Hey, me, too.
Me, too.
Just kidding-- zing, zing!
(clears throat)
What is "zing"?
Is that some type of white guy slang?
Quite possibly.
My barbershop quartet does a killer version
of "Zing! Went the Strings of My Heart".
Real showstopper.
Kind of like that story.
Zing!
Did I get that one right?
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, good.
Finally.
Hookers? Pizza.
Oh.
That's nice, too.
Hey, Mr. Harper.
Oh, hey, Gordon.
It's been a long time.
Yeah, two years.
So, what you been up to?
Well, I, uh... I finished night school,
got my business degree,
met an amazing girl and got married,
landed a great job as a stockbroker.
The company went under, my wife left me, and, uh...
that'll be $28.50.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
You want a drink?
Why stop now?
Come on in.
Hey, everybody.
This is Gordon.
His wife left him.
ALL: Hi, Gordon.
Welcome to the losers lounge.
Glad to be here.
The topic of discussion
is first nontraditional sexual experience.
Bible camp.
Where do you guys want me to put these?
Oh, uh, here, let me move the snickerdoodles.
(sighs) Snickerdoodles.
You don't like them?
No, no, I do.
It's just that my wife used to call me
her little snickerdoodle.
You're kidding.
Well, no, not all of me.
It was her little nickname for my, uh...
(chuckles awkwardly)
Oh, that is a terrible name for a penis.
Oh, yeah? What did your wife call yours?
Mr. Roundtree.
Richard Roundtree.
The guy who played Shaft.
ALL: Oh, yes.
That's way better than Snickerdoodle.
Judith calls mine "that thing".
As in, "Get that thing away from me"?
Yeah, how did you know?
Just a guess.
Okay.
I'm out of here.
Where you going?
Someplace where I'm not knee-deep
in pathetic, penis-naming sad sacks.
No offense.
ALL: None taken.
Let's go, King Snake.
* Men.
What do you want?
Just listen.
Rachel?
Hey, it's Charlie.
Look, about the pictures you sent me...
No, no, no, they were very nice.
Yeah, real artsy.
But the thing is, I'm kind of engaged now.
I am definitely engaged now,
so you shouldn't send me any more.
(quietly): It doesn't matter who asked for them.
The point is, I am no longer interested
in anyone's boobs other than my fiancée's.
No, I'm not going to send you a picture of hers.
Right?
No.
Okay, take care.
Thank you, Charlie.
I just want you to know how much you mean to me.
Did you delete the pictures?
Um...
I guess there's a case to be made for that.
What are you doing?
Press delete.
Hang on.
I'm printing them in my memory.
Delete, delete, delete.
Look, I'm deleting!
* Men.
* Zing! Dear, when you smiled at me *
* Zing! I heard a melody
* Zing! It haunted me from the start *
* The start
* Zing! Something inside of me
* Zing! Started a symphony
* Zing! Went the strings of my heart *
* Zing! 'Twas like a breath of spring *
* Zing! I heard a robin sing
* Zing! About a nest set apart
No wonder they're all alone.
* Zing! All nature seemed to me *
* Zing! In perfect harmony
* Zing! Went the strings of my heart... *
* Who is the man
* That will risk his neck for brother man? *
* Shaft!
JEROME: * Right on
I heard this cat, Shaft,
is one bad mother... Shut your mouth.
Well, I'm talking about Shaft.
Then, we can dig it.
* He's a complicated man...
No.
I can't do this.
She has to take me back.
(in four-part harmony): * Men.