* Men. *
Hey, Danny.
Good morning, Melissa.
You look lovely today.
Thank you, Danny.
I think he's got a little thing for you.
No, you've got a little thing for her.
I've got a croquet mallet in my pants.
Danny, behave yourself.
Alan, I thought I told you to keep that doll in your room.
Come on.
He's got to feed the broad sometime.
See what I did there?
You're so clever.
How about spaghetti with pesto for dinner tonight?
Oh, boy, with the pine nuts? You got it.
I've got your pine nuts right here.
Danny.
Buy one, get one free.
Okay, Alan, I'm only going to ask you this once.
Has little Miss Muppet moved into my house?
What? No. Huh-uh.
Really?
and still here when I get up.
Well, to be fair, Charlie,
you do have an erratic sleep schedule.
So you're saying I continually miss it when she goes home?
Charlie, you missed Easter last year.
Was that the time I woke up
with a Cadbury egg melted in my shorts?
Sadly enough, no.
Okay, okay, just so you understand
this is my house and you don't get to invite people to move in.
Why do you keep harping on that?
She is not living here.
I'm just going to throw in a load of laundry
before I go to work.
Sure looks like she is.
I don't know what he's talking about.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh
* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ah. * Men. * Men.
* Men. *
Hey, listen, I was thinking.
We've already got a bed.
And you're the one who's always complaining about it.
Oh, I complain about a lot of things.
Like, uh, like automatic flush toilets.
I mean, everything's gone before you get a chance
to turn around and check out how you did.
What the dickens are you talking about?
Let's just leave the furniture the way it is.
I don't want to rock the boat.
How is getting a decent bed
rocking the boat?
And-and no. I mean...
It's still Charlie's house.
But you pay rent? Of course.
I mean, you know, the actual number fluctuates
depending on the economy and whether Charlie's conscious
on the first of the month. But yeah, I pay.
Okay, then you need to start standing up to him.
Oh, please.
I stand up to him plenty. Is that so?
You think he likes unsalted butter?
He does not.
Now you listen to me, Alan Harper.
You are a strong, assertive man.
I know that because I couldn't be with you
if you were anything less.
Oh, well, yeah, I am.
You know, I... I don't want to flaunt
my strong assertiveness by, you know, asking for stuff.
Alan, you need to tell your brother
well, then that is just his tough noogies.
Okay, I will tell him.
Good. But slowly.
In increments.
As I did with the butter.
And how long did that take?
That is not important.
What's important is this is now
a low sodium, heart smart household.
She's living here.
He moved her in right under my nose.
So?
So this is the unsalted butter again,
but, you know, writ large.
"What difference?"
Are you kidding?
First it's him and his stinky kid
and now he's shacking up with Strawberry Shortcake!
He pays rent, doesn't he?
I don't know.
Once, maybe.
He says he did.
So why do you care who he has in his room?
I care because...
There's a principle involved.
"A principle"?
Yes! I made a rule.
Ooh, you made a rule.
Yes, I made a rule.
And I'm making another one.
You do not get to mock my rules.
You're being silly, Charlie.
Melissa is a wonderful girl.
They love each other and she makes him happy.
And I care about that because...?
Because the Charlie Harper that I fell in love with
cares about other people's happiness.
That's the Charlie Harper you fell in love with, huh? Yes.
Well, joke's on you.
That whole nice guy thing was a big act
to get you to have sex with me.
Ha-ha.
I know you'll do the right thing, Charlie.
Oh, you do, huh?
* Men. *
Hey.
Got a minute?
I'm reading.
Okay, we'll talk later.
(door opens and closes)
(muffled arguing)
MELISSA (muffled): Damn it, Alan, get back out there!
(door opens and closes)
Hey-ho.
What do you want, Alan? Well...
as you know, I pay my fair share of rent around here.
We probably have different definitions of "fair."
And "share."
And "rent," but go on.
I-I-I just don't think I need your permission
when it comes to Melissa living with me.
Well, you're wrong. Nice talking to you.
Charlie.
This is my house.
Not yours, mine.
And the fact is, if Melissa moves in,
that means you've got more people living here than I do.
So?
So there's a principle involved...
...that we must discuss.
Okay, so what's the principle?
The principle is that...
you're my brother and I want you to be happy.
So Melissa can stay?
I mean, move in?
Sure.
Well, all right then.
(exclaims)
* Men. *
You know, I was thinking.
You've got me. Alan's got Melissa.
Even Jake's got a girlfriend.
We need to find somebody for Sir Lancelot.
Your cat?
Yeah. Doesn't he deserve some happiness?
He can lick his own crotch. What else does he need?
Come on, Charlie.
All right.
How about we get him a nice lady coyote?
Charlie!
What? It'd be good for ol' Lance.
Get a little exercise running for his life.
You're terrible.
(phone ringing)
Let the machine get it.
ALAN: (on recording) Hi, this is Alan.
We're not home right now and neither are Charlie and Chelsea.
Well, Charlie might be home, but he's probably
in no condition to answer the phone.
(Alan and Melissa laughing)
BOTH: Leave a message when you hear the beep.
Beep!
(machine beeps)
EVELYN (on machine): Hello, Charlie?
It's your mother.
Remember me?
for roughly seven and a half months.
Anyway, I'd say call me, but what's the point?
I've long since given up expecting
any kind of consideration... (machine beeps)
"Seven and a half months"?
he wouldn't have invented C-sections and incubators."
Oh, hey, all.
We're home.
(sotto voce): Charlie?
Hi.
Oh, uh, just so you know,
and you guys can take the top and we'll split the door, okay?
That's a great idea.
Be quiet.
I bought it. I paid for it.
Charlie! The whole thing, not just half.
Stop being a child.
a grape soda just because I put it on the wrong shelf!
Mind if we join you guys? Sure.
What are we watching? (The Odd Couple theme plays)
An Odd Couple rerun.
Oh, I never really liked that show.
Why not? I don't really buy the premise.
I mean, you know, who in his right mind would put up with somebody
who drives him crazy for all those years?
I mean, it would be different if they were related.
* Men. *
Oh, yeah. Barrel of monkeys.
I'm so excited about that big punch bowl.
You know what would be really exciting?
Next time you ask me to go shopping with you,
use it to cave in my skull.
(surfing music plays)
What the hell is this?
Oh, look who's here.
Hey, dude, party down.
What are you doing?
We invited a few friends over.
You don't have any friends.
Yeah, but Melissa does.
So now they're mine, too.
They don't really like you.
They do, too.
Dream on, meat puppet.
Who said you could have a party?
I'm sorry. I thought we lived here.
Must we check with you about everything we do?
Yes!
What's that guy drinking?
Is that my grape soda?
It was on our shelf.
What'd I tell ya?
Okay, that's it. Charlie...
No-no-no. No, no, this is not acceptable.
Hey, everybody!
Everybody listen up.
(music stops)
Party's over.
Pack up your crap and get out.
I'm not kidding!
One.
I'm counting to three, by the way.
Two.
Ah, screw it.
I'll leave.
Charlie.
Forget it. I'm out of here.
(crowd chatter)
* Men.
Okay, I think you're really overreacting,
but if you want to spend the night at a hotel, fine.
No, I will not come over there for a quickie.
Good-bye, Charlie.
He just needs to cool off.
We're really sorry, Chelsea.
before inviting our friends over.
Your friends?
Maybe we just need some kind of system
where we give each other a heads up about guests.
That's a great idea.
Excuse me.
Since when do you two call the shots around here?
What are you talking about?
(scoffs)
All right, ladies,
let's make something very clear.
that needs to be honored.
Oh, really?
And what might that be?
Wow.
(laughs)
Do I have to spell it out?
Please do.
Fine.
When Charlie is not here, I am in charge.
That's okay, isn't it?
* Men.
(indistinct voices on TV)
(knocking)
Yeah?
ALAN (in goofy voice): Room service.
Guess who got himself kicked out of the house.
Ow! Ow!
Cut it out! Cut it out!
What are you doing here, Alan?
Honestly, I didn't have any place else to go.
Yeah, well, I got news for you. You still don't.
Oh, come on, Charlie.
I know, I know. I might have crossed a bit of a line.
A bit of a line?
You moved your girlfriend into my house without telling me.
You invited strangers over without my permission.
And then, then, to add insult to injury,
you show up here with your ugly friggin' dummy?!
Did you hear that?
He called you ugly.
Good-bye, Alan.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I...
I brought a peace offering.
That's my ten-year-old Scotch!
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
I saw him take it. Oh!
Damn it, Danny, what is wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
All right, all right, enough. Enough.
If I'm gonna drink scotch,
I'm gonna need ice.
There's a machine down the hall.
Be right back.
Yeah, like I don't have ice.
* Men. *
Thanks for letting me back in.
You were crying in the hallway.
The other guests complained.
Still, it's very considerate of you.
Shut up and drink my scotch.
Cheers.
Bite me.
This is kind of fun, though.
Swell.
Remember that time Mom took us on that Caribbean cruise?
We had our own cabin.
Yeah.
Took us three days to figure out Mom was on another boat.
Good times. Mmm.
We've lost our house, Charlie.
Your house.
We've lost your house.
I know.
How did this happen?
Slowly.
In increments.
Starting with the butter.
I can see that now.
The problem is, the women have established a beachhead.
(chuckling)
What?
Nothing. Nothing.
You just reminded me why I bought a house in Malibu.
The thing is,
I don't mind that.
No, no, we need a plan.
We need to figure out some way
to drive a wedge between those two.
You know, divide and conquer.
Oh, yeah, but how?
I'm not sure.
Maybe we should sleep on it.
Want to watch some porn first?
No.
Why not?
I'm drunk in bed in a hotel room with my brother,
and you want to know why I don't want to watch porn?
Okay. Okay, I get it.
You don't want to watch porn.
Mind if I watch?
(Danny screaming)
* Men. *
So they both just up and left, huh?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Those boneless chickens.
They'll be back.
Damn right.
Girl power, my bitches.
Hey, Berta, why don't you whip us up
some French toast to celebrate?
Or, uh, we could do it.
Good plan...
my bitches.
(door closes) EVELYN: Hello, anybody home?
In here.
Oh, what a nice surprise.
Good morning, ladies.
Berta.
Botox.
So where are the boys this morning?
Oh, well, Charlie's off sulking in a hotel.
Oh, really?
Well, what about Alan?
Oh, Alan's too cheap for a hotel.
I see. And what brought this on?
A lot of macho nonsense.
Mm, and Alan?
Just nonsense.
No kidding.
Thank you. Thank you.
have managed to put aside your somewhat distasteful history
and bond the way you obviously have.
What distasteful history?
Oh, come on, let them make my breakfast first.
What are you talking about, Evelyn?
A lot of women might resent the former lover of their fiancé
living in the same house as them.
It ain't me, start cooking.
You and Charlie?
Just one little weekend.
But believe me, if I knew what kind of man he was,
I never would have let him touch me.
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, he's fine for you.
Fine for me?!
Well, I've got an early meeting.
Nice to see you girls.
Why didn't you tell me?!
I thought you were my friend!
MELISSA: I'm your friend?!
(arguing continues)
CHELSEA: Hey, if it weren't for me,
I believe the balance of power is restored.
Thanks, Mom.
Thank you.
You owe me large.
* Men. *
but if you want to spend the night in a hotel
that's fine.
Kidding. Love you.
Damn.
Hey, at least Chelsea's coming back.
Melissa said she'll never set foot in this house again.
All's well that ends well, huh?
Bite me.
Oh, come on, the important thing is, we got the house back.
And we're once again kings of the castle.
That's true.
Hey, Celeste and I are going to be
studying in my room. Okay.
Oh, right.
Set another place for dinner.
She's going to be joining us.
Fine.
Also, she's a vegetarian, so no meat.
Got it.
Come on, Jake.
Coming.
Kings of the castle, my ass.
We're whipped unto the third generation.