* Men. *
Morning.
Oh, morning.
What you doing?
Saving a little money, so Jake is brown-baggin' it.
Oh, who am I kidding?
Breakfast of champions.
Type Two Diabetes Division.
Charlie's still in bed?
Uh-huh.
Ow.
You all right?
Yeah, just a little back pain.
Oh, no. Uh, would you like me to take a look?
Oh, it's okay.
Chelsea, I'm a chiropractor.
This is what I do.
Besides, you're like family now,
which entitles you to my family and friends discount.
All right.
You'll actually be the first one to use it.
Now, I trust your insurance is up-to-date.
Yeah, but I don't think it covers chiropractic.
Oh, of course not.
Big insurance will pay
for an 80-year-old man to get a boner,
but God forbid his spine is erect.
Now, how long have you been dealing with this pain?
On and off since I'm a teenager.
Aha, so, would this be around the time you started to develop?
What do you mean?
Well, you know, as a woman.
Boobies.
Oh, uh, yeah.
Ah.
I've always known that's a factor,
but what are you gonna do?
Well, I would recommend that you get two adjustments a week
and ultrasound massage therapy.
Plus, we'll work on strengthening your upper traps
and rhomboids so they can support the load on your pecs.
Or, in layman's terms,
reinforce the door that holds up the knockers.
You're staring at them, Alan.
It's okay. I'm almost a doctor.
Anyway, I've tried all that.
It didn't help.
Well, there is one other option, but it's kind of a last resort.
What's that? Have you considered having breast reduction surgery?
Something's wrong.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh
* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ah. * Men. * Men.
* Men. *
You see, they reshape the whole breast so you can't even tell.
How long does it take to heal?
Well, it says just a few weeks.
You can keep Charlie off 'em for that long, can't you?
I don't know.
Might have to get some loaners.
Morning.
Oh, that is not good porn.
It's not porn.
It's a Web site about breast reduction surgery.
Oh, Alan, you don't need surgery.
A little exercise'll firm up those man boobs.
Don't be silly, Charlie.
Alan suggested it might be a solution for my back pain.
Really?
Alan made that suggestion?
I just said it could help.
I'll tell you what helps pain.
Pain pills.
In fact, I saw a guy on the news
with a nail in his head,
and thanks to pain pills, he was laughing.
What about addiction?
That's the least of his problems.
He's got a nail in his head.
Charlie. Kidding. Kidding.
Look, I love your breasts just the way they are,
but if you're in pain, you have my unconditional support
to do whatever you have to do to feel better.
Really?
So you'd be okay with this?
Sweetie, come on.
I'm sure if you knew
that the weight of my penis was causing me back problems,
you'd be okay with me shaving off a few inches, right?
I suppose.
Of course, I've learned to deal with that pain,
but that's my choice.
Well, thank you for being so understanding.
You don't have to thank me. I love you.
I love you too.
I'm gonna go get ready for work.
I'll be up in a minute.
Charlie, I gotta say, I think you handled that really...
(shrieking)
Are you out of your freakin' mind?
My fingers!
What are you doing sticking your nose
in my fiancée's breasts?
I was just trying to help.
Let's make one thing clear: the only acceptable
boob reduction in this house is you moving out.
Funny. Please, Charlie...
I make my living with my hands.
Really? Somebody's paying you to masturbate?
(chuckling)
Also funny.
Don't I wish.
Now, please stop now.
I am duly chastised.
Not good enough.
You need to be punished.
What?!
I'm giving you a time out.
What are you talking about?
You've been very bad
and you need to think about what you've done.
Okay, fine. You want me to go to my room?
Not far enough. Movies?
Not long enough.
What do you want me to do?
I can't afford to stay in a hotel.
Here.
That's enough for two nights in a nice hotel
or two months in an airport locker.
I don't want your money.
Fine. Go sleep in your car.
Hold on.
I'll just take a couple of bucks for gas, that's it.
And meals. I have to eat.
Tips and incidentals.
* Men. *
That feel good?
(moans softly)
Flavored oils.
This one's...
apple cinnamon.
Nice.
Want a lick?
No, thanks.
You sure?
Tastes kind of like oily pie.
I'll pass.
Okay, more for me.
You know, I appreciate this,
but I don't think it's going to solve my back problems.
Well, not right away.
But if we do this enough, who knows?
You might feel so much better, you'll want bigger boobs.
I don't think so, Charlie.
Fair enough.
I want 'em bigger, you want 'em smaller.
So we'll compromise and leave them just the way they are.
God, I love that we can talk these things out.
I made an appointment for a consultation
with a plastic surgeon.
What?
The more I think about it, the more I think Alan's right.
No-no-no, no, no. Alan's never right.
Ask anybody.
He's like an idiot savant without the savant part.
I'm hoping you'll come with me for support.
Hey, you can always count on me for support.
I love you for who you are, not the size of your breasts.
Thank you.
Of course it goes both ways, you know.
One of these days I'm gonna need you to love me for who I am,
despite my old man balls.
"Old man balls"?
They get long, baby.
Hey, don't throw away your D-cup bras.
We may be able to re-purpose them.
* Men. *
(doorbell rings)
(security camera whirring)
EVELYN (over intercom): Hello?
Hi, Mom.
Oh, Alan. To what do I owe
this unannounced and inconvenient pleasure?
Uh, just hoping to ask for a favor.
I see.
Please tell me that there's
a severed head in that bag and you want me to hide it.
Nope, just socks and underwear.
How many pair?
Come on, Mom, don't make me beg.
(sighs): All right.
You know where the guest room is. (lock clicks, buzzes)
Thank you.
Uh, oh, uh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Not unless you want to talk to my gentleman friend.
I was joking, Edgar. Don't stop.
Good night, Alan.
Night, Mom.
Edgar.
* Men. *
Lord...
you've blessed me with a lot:
more money than I know what to do with,
a beautiful home,
and a surprisingly resilient liver.
You have truly given unto me with both hands.
Which brings me to my request.
Of all the gifts you've bestowed upon me,
none are a greater testament to your glory
than Chelsea's heavenly breasts.
I don't know why you couldn't have thrown in a sturdy spine
so she could tote those things around,
but who am I to question your methods?
Anyway, you probably know that she's thinking about
tampering with your great work, and I was just
hoping that you could, you know, talk to her,
return her to the path of righteousness...
and bodaciousness.
Amen.
Oh, one more thing.
I'm sorry we haven't talked recently, but I had
a little crisis of faith after last year's Super Bowl.
Water under the bridge.
I got healthy on the NBA Finals.
Nice work with Kobe, by the way.
Looks like somebody missed their period again.
* Men. *
(scraping)
(tapping)
So, uh, where's Edgar?
Oh, he didn't stay tonight.
Kind of a booty call.
More like a dine and dash.
What'd you do to piss your brother off this time?
Nothing. I-I just suggested
that Chelsea's back pain might benefit
from breast reduction surgery.
You suggested
that Charlie's fiancée get smaller breasts?
Yeah.
While you're at it,
why not try and reinstate Prohibition?
Well, anyway, Charlie and I have decided
to take a little break from each other,
so I'll only be here a couple of days.
Oh, Alan.
I know I'm a little old to run home to mom.
Believe me, if I had money for a hotel,
I'd be there right now.
Well, it's nice to know that my investment
in chiropractor school was pesos well spent.
Hey, you know,
I-I think things are starting to look up.
I feel like I'm at a real turning point, career-wise.
You're an eternal optimist, aren't you, Alan?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Oh, that just breaks my heart.
* Men. *
So, we'd make an incision here...
(deeply inhaling)
(groans) And here...
And one more here.
Oh, God.
Then we would remove some fatty tissue,
reshape your breast and relocate the nipple.
(groaning): Oh, not the nipples.
I thought you were going to be supportive.
I am being supportive.
I just didn't know we were going to play Mr. Potato Head
with our boobs.
They're not our boobs, they're my breasts.
Hey, if we were to dust 'em for prints right now,
who's suspect number one?
I take it you're not entirely on board with this.
No, no, no, no, I'm trying.
I mean, I don't want her to be in pain,
but come on, look at those babies.
They're perfect.
The only way you could improve on 'em is
if you could make 'em squirt money.
Don't worry.
They'll still be perfect when I'm done,
except that your fiancée will be pain-free.
Hey, hey, I'm not questioning your abilities, Doc.
In fact, I've been a big fan of your work for years.
I mean, when you make 'em freakishly huge.
Really?
You know my work.
Oh, yeah.
I have an honorary lifetime membership
at the Pussycat Palace.
They named a pole after me.
Uh-huh. You know, maybe
it will help
if you get a better sense of the end result.
Yeah.
This is Chelsea now.
That's about right.
And this is the size I'm recommending.
Hmm.
You got the one that goes with this?
Sure.
(gibbering)
Nah, what else you got?
* Men. *
I, uh, I made you a cup of tea.
Oh, thank you, dear.
Whatcha doin'?
Just finishing up some escrow paperwork.
Inspector found no termite damage.
Sign here, sweetie, where it says "inspector."
Is that legal?
Oh, don't worry about it.
There are no termites.
The mold killed them.
Well, I guess you have to cut corners
with the real estate market the way it is.
True dat.
Initial here, here, and here.
More termite stuff?
The less you know the better, dear.
Listen, I was thinking when we're finished with this,
we'd run over to Rodeo Drive
and do a little clothes shopping. Oh! Rodeo Drive.
That sounds fun.
Do they have a Sears or a Kmart over there?
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's my treat.
No, no, no, I'm a grown man.
I can't have my mom buying me shirts, slacks,
boxer briefs and possibly dress shoes.
You're my son, Alan.
I want nothing more than to see you happy.
And not dressed like an unemployed lesbian.
Now, give me your thumb.
You've never been arrested, have you?
* Men. *
Berta, these fish sticks are great.
Thank you.
My secret is I take 'em out of the freezer.
Well, kudos.
Hey, where's my dad?
(sighs)
Damn it.
Pay up.
Thought for sure he'd stay oblivious until Monday.
Well, "obliviously," you were wrong.
Charlie, can I talk to you for a minute?
What's up?
Let's talk upstairs.
Sure.
Here's your cut.
No, you didn't do anything wrong.
Oh, cool.
So what's up?
You want a quickie?
No.
I just got a call from the plastic surgeon
and they had a cancellation,
so they can squeeze me in tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow?
But... that's so soon.
Why put it off?
Well, I was hoping we'd have time
to go away for a few days.
You know, one last fling,
just the four of us.
You've flung them plenty, Charlie.
Oh, come on, just give me some more time.
Time for what? Time to talk you out of this.
You said you were going to support me.
Yeah, but when do I get my support?
What are you talking about?
This decision affects both of us.
I should get a vote.
You're not the one in pain.
(cries): Then why does it hurt so much?
Oh, you're just making it worse!
* Men. *
I love my new silk jammies, Mom.
It's like wearing a baby seal.
Well, I'm glad you like them, dear.
Oh, and I thought, tomorrow,
I could take you to my hair stylist.
Get you one of those hip, new spiky looks.
Oh, that sounds like fun.
Although I'm only two haircuts away
from a free one at the barber college.
Oh, nonsense.
You deserve to be pampered a little bit.
I kind of do, don't I?
Yes, you do.
I just have to be careful not to make you too attractive.
(chuckles) I don't want to lose my fella to another gal.
(chortles)
Your fella. Funny.
Well, I'm serious.
You'll always be my fella.
And I'll always be your best gal, right?
Okay.
And I've been thinking, this is a big house.
And you and I are clearly not the marrying kind,
so... why don't you just move in?
Here?
Sure. Why not?
Can't you see how you and me
are meant to be?
Well, we're meant to be mother and son.
That's a given.
It's how we're livin'.
Very clever.
Of course, there is a certain
financial imbalance.
But I'm sure that we can
come up with a plan that meets both of our needs.
Plan? There's a, there's a plan?
Of course there's a plan.
I mean, I'm a vibrant woman now, Alan,
but there will come a time when I won't be able
to fend for myself and I don't want to pay some stranger
to dress me and feed me and carry me to the bath,
soap up a wash cloth
and give me a good, thorough cleaning.
Thanks, Mom! I'll call you.
That should keep him away for a while.
* Men. *
(crying)
Are you sure you're gonna be okay?
I'm fine.
Would you do me a little favor?
What?
Go like this.
For old time's sake.
NURSE: Chelsea?
Ready for you. Oh, God, this is it.
Take a deep breath, Charlie.
I will if you will.
It's still gonna be me, just a little smaller.
I know.
I guess the good news is
it'll draw more attention to your backside.
What?
You know, with your breasts smaller,
the eye will naturally go to your ample tush.
Are you saying my ass is too big?
No, no, no, I love your ass.
I'm just saying with smaller boobs,
more people will notice it.
Are you insane?
I don't want people noticing my ass.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't kill the messenger.
It's the first law of landscaping.
If you trim down the tree, the backyard looks bigger.
Am I right?
Damn you, Charlie Harper.
What? Tell the doctor I changed my mind.
What did I say?
Where are you going? Home.
What about your back pain?
I'll live with it. Are you sure?
I live with you, don't I?
Come on.
How about that?
Thank you, Lord.
You speaketh through me.