* Men. *
* Oh, the weather outside is frightful *
* But the fire is so delightful *
* And since we've no place to go *
* Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. *
Snow, sleet, rain, sun,
you've still got no place to go.
(in Dickensian accent): Which is why I'm grateful
for your generosity, Mr. Scrooge.
Speaking of generosity,
check out what I got Chelsea.
Diamond earrings. Nice.
Yeah. She dropped a couple of hints
about stuff she wanted.
But I wasn't really listening, so I got her these.
How romantic. Will she be joining us for dinner?
I think so.
She's out doing some last minute shopping.
Or something with work, again, I wasn't really listening.
Why did you mail me a letter?
Oh, I decided to send out a Harper Christmas Newsletter.
You know, keep everybody updated on all things Harper.
You're kidding.
(in Dickensian accent): Don't worry, governor,
I didn't mention your ongoing battle
with the demon rum.
(sighs)
"As this wonderful year draws to an end,
"I send this note to family and friend.
"So thankful are we for blessings galore.
"Like Charlie's fiancée--
a lady, not a whore."
Keep reading.
(sighs)
"And young master Jake is growing like a weed.
He makes us all proud, not a waste of my seed."
Keep going, keep going.
"He tried his darnedest in every class.
And made tenth grade by the skin of his ass."
And, see, I put in a little drawing
of an elf with his pants down.
What the hell's the matter with you?
You're a grown man.
Oh, come on, people love this stuff.
Read, read.
(sighs)
"And our sweet mother Evelyn had a small operation.
Her secret garden needed rejuvenation."
Secret garden?
Find a rhyme for vulva.
I dare you.
(sighs)
"And what about the author of this Christmas poem?
"He's healthy and happy in his beautiful home.
"And while some might argue that he's just a leech,
it bothers him not, he lives at the beach."
"Happy Holidays from the Happy Harpers."
What do you think?
You're sad, pathetic, lonely and blue.
If I gave a rat's ass, I'd worry about you.
(with pirate voice): Expecting rough weather, Captain?
What?
(normal voice): What you looking at?
Uh, nothing.
Really?
So the beautiful girls playing volleyball
completely escaped your eye?
I see 'em, you perv.
The little hottie in the tank top is checking you out.
I know.
Now please go away.
Why don't you go down there and talk to her?
I can't.
Why not?
I got a girlfriend.
Oh, buddy, you can't call the posters in your room girlfriends.
No, I'm talking about Celeste.
I'm in a committed relationship.
What are you talking about? You're 13.
I'm 15.
Who cares?
You're too young for a committed relationship.
I'm 40 and I'm barely ready.
You're 42.
What is it with you and numbers?
Let me ask you something--
where is Celeste right now?
She's spending Christmas with her mom in Brentwood.
So what, your life just stops when she's gone?
That's the deal we made.
Listen to me, if you want to go talk to the beach girl,
you've got every right to do so.
Are you sure?
I don't think so.
Don't worry about it.
Just go talk to her.
Can I borrow ten bucks?
Why?
If she shoots me down,
then I can go buy a couple corn dogs.
She's not going to shoot you down.
Yeah, but now I got a taste for corn dogs.
Just go.
What if she wants a corn dog? She's about to meet one.
Now get out of here.
Do I look okay?
Jake, she waved at you. She smiled.
Clearly her standards aren't that high.
Right. Thanks.
When did I turn 42?
Son of a bitch.
Hey, I'm an organ donor. Good for me.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh
* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... *
* Men.
Hey, Berta, merry Christmas.
Thank you, Charlie.
You're very generous.
Well, I just want you to know
that I appreciate all your hard work.
And I appreciate you pretending I work hard.
Hey, you feeling lucky?
What do you got in mind?
My Christmas bonus--
double or nothing that Zrbnck makes the field goal.
Are you crazy?
That's 52 yards.
He hasn't made one that long all year.
I got a hunch.
You got a bet.
ANNOUNCER: There's the snap.
The kick is up.
It's long enough, but wide.
It's no good.
Zrbnck's missed another one.
Well, happy birthday, Jesus.
Told ya.
No biggie.
Easy come, easy go.
Sorry.
Looks like the grandkids are getting
beef jerky and Lotto scratchers this year.
Here.
You're too kind.
Don't mention it.
You got a big heart.
Thank you.
Double or nothing they don't make the first down.
Hey.
Oh, hey. Where you been?
Out on the beach.
So, how'd it go?
Fine. I'm getting her a grape soda.
No, no, no, no, no.
You don't bring the grape soda to her.
You bring her to the grape soda.
Her who?
Hang on.
You bring her here.
She sees your beautiful house.
She thinks you've got it going on,
and then you've got a shot at...
Well, I don't know what you got a shot at, but you got a shot.
Whoa, whoa, catch me up.
Do you see what I'm saying?
So I should bring her here?
Absolutely.
Women love this house.
It's an aphrodisiac.
I don't think she's afro anything.
She's more like Chinese.
Wait, who's Chinese? What's going on?
He met a girl on the beach and I'm helping him out.
What about Celeste?
Uncle Charlie said my life shouldn't stop just 'cause she's not around.
So you're encouraging my son to cheat on his girlfriend?
Oh, come on, there's no cheating going on.
Are you cheating? I'm not sure.
You're not cheating.
Yes, he is.
How would you feel if Celeste was somewhere right now
flirting with some other guy?
How do you know she's not?
She's with her mom.
And you're with your dad,
but that's not stopping you, is it?
Good point.
No, no, it's a lousy point.
Relationships are built on trust and mutual respect.
Oh, grow up.
Relationships are built on diamond earrings and Viagra.
Now go take the young lady her grape soda.
I still think it would help
if I had some corn dog money to flash around.
Go.
Shame on you.
What's the big deal?
It's not like he and this Celeste girl are sleeping together.
No, no, but I think that once a relationship reaches any physical level,
there's an implied commitment.
Yeah, that's because you married the first girl
who touched your wiener.
Not true.
The first girl who touched my wiener was Maxine Chernakoff.
And she refused to marry me.
As did the blind girl at camp, the school nurse
and crazy cousin Wendy.
* Men.
I hope you're proud of yourself.
I'm more proud of him.
I mean, he actually got her back here
without hitting her over the head
and stuffing her in a burlap sack.
Pretty girl.
Yep.
You'd think she'd have more self-esteem.
Hey, Jake may be dull-witted, but he does have
a certain je ne sais quoi with the ladies.
Well, maybe six years of picking his underwear up with a rake
has made me immune to his charms.
Hey.
Hey. Nice work talking her into coming back here.
I didn't really talk her into it.
She had to pee.
Yeah, but you gave her the grape soda that made it happen.
Now, Jake, you're just hanging out
with this girl, right-- as friends?
So far. What does that mean?
It means I haven't made my move yet.
What move?
I'm not sure.
That's why I haven't made it yet.
Anyways, I don't think it's going to get serious.
She doesn't even live here.
She doesn't?
No, she's just in town for the holidays visiting her aunt.
She pronounced it "awnt," but I figured it out.
Oh, dude, you have hit the jackpot here. I have?
This girl is most likely looking for a hot story
to tell her friends back home,
and you, you cute, little, clueless bastard,
can be the star of that story.
Really?
Yes, so stop wasting time.
What are you even doing in here?
I had to fart, and I didn't want to do it in front of her.
Attaboy. Good thinking.
I thought it was you. I thought it was you.
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, that must be Mom.
Mom? What's Mom doing here?
Well, it's Christmas Eve, Charlie.
I know. Why isn't she out stealing toys in Whoville?
Merry Christmas, one and all.
Hello. Hi, Mom.
Boys, this is the legendary TV producer
Mr. Marty Pepper.
Hi. Hello.
(loudly): Marty, these are my sons,
Charlie and Alan.
Is it important which is which?
Not really.
Would you help me with the wheelchair?
I'll call you Scooter.
And you, uh, Dutch.
Uh, Mom...
are, uh, are you and he, um...?
Oh, good Lord, no.
The man is 1,000 years old.
It's a wonder his scrotum doesn't get tangled up in the wheels.
So he's just a friend?
Yes.
And I just couldn't let him spend Christmas Eve alone--
rattling around his 25,000 square foot
Beverly Hills mansion, with adjoining guest house,
Olympic size saltwater pool and home theater.
There it is.
Are you really this hard up for a listing?
Alan, it's a $60-million home.
My commission will be almost $2 million.
How much did you make last year?
Welcome to our home, Mr. Pepper!
What are you shouting for?
I'm incontinent, not deaf.
Sorry.
What?
Have an Abba Zaba, Marty.
Thank you.
Did I ever tell you I knew Lucille Ball?
Yes, you did, dear.
You know, she wasn't a real redhead.
Ask me how I know.
Warning: it's dirty.
(clicks tongue)
Uncle Charlie, I think Celeste knows I'm seeing another woman.
What? Why?
She's texting me.
What are you talking about?
Nothing, nothing.
Jake has a shot at some out-of-town strange.
You see how he is corrupting your grandson?
Come on, Alan.
It's out-of-town strange.
Do you really have a shot?
I don't know.
Uncle Charlie seems to think so.
Tell her you wanna get her her own sitcom.
Never fails.
(text alert plays)
There she is again. What do I do?
Just text her back, "Thinking of you."
Which you are, so you're not lying.
Good, that's good.
Okay, this may be your house, but this is my son.
Yeah, and you've been living here seven years,
which makes us a common-law couple, which makes him our son.
Homos with a kid.
A great idea for a sitcom.
(text alert plays)
It worked. She wrote back,
"Merry Christmas, I miz you."
Then write back, "I miz you, too."
Man, you are good.
Look at that.
Our little boy is growing up.
How would you feel about us having another child?
* Men.
(piano playing "Jingle Bell Rock")
* Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock *
* Jingle bells swing and jingle bell ring *
* Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun *
* Now the jingle hop has begun *
* Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock *
* Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time *
* Dancing and prancing in jingle bell square *
* In the frosty air
* What a bright time, it's the right time *
* To rock the night away *
* Jingle bell time is a swell time *
* To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh *
* Giddy-up, jingle horse, pick up your feet *
* Jingle around the clock...
Alan?
* Mix and mingle with the jinglin' feet *
Alan?
* That's the jingle bell, that's the jingle bell... *
Alan?!
40 years ago you asked for a little brother for Christmas.
Happy?
* That's the jingle bell rock! *
Could somebody move me?
My chestnuts are roasting by this open fire.
Is that you?
I thought Alan burned the ham.
Berta, don't you wanna spend Christmas with your family?
Do you wanna spend Christmas with yours?
Let me freshen your drink.
What is that fragrance you're wearing, my dear?
Ben Gay and foot powder.
Whatever it is, it's making me hot.
Turkey's almost done.
Aren't you gonna put on some nice clothes?
Why? It's just gonna be you, me,
Chelsea, Berta, Mom
and the ghost of showbiz past.
And Jake.
No, Jake split.
What?
He's hangin' with his new girlfriend.
Where?
Her aunt's house.
I think they got the place to themselves,
so he might get a little, you know,
peace on Earth tonight.
How do you make everything sound dirty?
Hey, I took the high road.
I coulda gone with "Come, all ye faithful."
(sighs)
He needs to be home.
Oh, come on, Alan.
He's got a real shot with that girl.
I don't care. It's Christmas Eve. So?
So if I can't get laid, nobody gets laid.
Yeah, Jake, this is your father.
Whatever you're doing,
I want you to stop it and get your ass home.
What's he doing? Is he decking her hall?
Shut up!
Right now, mister!
Fine, bring her back here if you want.
Yes, there's still pie left.
(doorbell rings)
What are you lookin' at?
How would you like to have your own sitcom?
Hi. Is Jake home?
Um, I don't know.
Sorry to intrude, but Celeste wanted
to give Jake his Christmas present.
Please come in.
Aw, crap.
Wow, check out the mom.
Forget the mom.
We gotta get rid of 'em
before Jake walks in here with another girl.
Yeah, yeah, good idea.
Uh, hi, hi. I'm, uh, Alan, Jake's divorced father.
Keisha, Celeste's mother.
Her mother?
Oh, please, you look like her sister.
You're sweet.
And single.
Where's Jake?
Uh, um, uh, uh...
Actually, he's, uh, distributing corn dogs
to the homeless tonight,
But we'll make sure he gets your gift.
Thanks for stopping by.
Merry Christmas.
Jake?
Oh, hi.
Who's this?
Um... I don't know.
Who's she?
Uh... Uncle Charlie?
I don't know what to tell ya, pal.
It happens.
You said you didn't have a girlfriend!
He doesn't!
Would you like some eggnog?
You've got to be kidding.
You want some pie?
You are such a liar!
Why all the yelling?
What's going on?
Uncle Charlie just ruined my life.
What?
He said it was okay to see other girls
as long as my girlfriend wasn't around.
Really?
Is that what you believe?
No, no, not at all.
He completely misunderstood me.
Merry Christmas!
Yeah, right.
Nice going.
Would you like a lick?
Not of that.
* Men.
("Sleigh Ride" playing)
You want to take your hand off my leg?
I certainly do not.
Love you.
Yeah. Who do you love when I'm not around?
Hey, Uncle Charlie?
You really suck, you know that?
Yeah, I've been told.
Listen, Jake, would it be creepy for you
if I called Celeste's mom?
Are you insane?
Think about it.
Here you go, sweetie, bite-size, easy to chew.
Marty?
Oh, God! Marty?
Ha, just messin' with you, ya vulture!
She thinks she's gonna sell my house when I'm dead,
but I ain't goin'.
Oops.
Actually, I am goin'.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
* Men.