* Men. *
(chuckles)
I can't believe this is only our second date.
I know, I feel like I've known you all my life.
Me, too.
I'm assuming you mean that as a good thing.
Absolutely.
(both moan)
You're such an unexpected surprise in my life, Alan.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, once again, I'm assuming that's good.
(laughs)
It's great.
(both moaning)
Do you always wear your socks in bed?
Oh, oh, no, it's just one of my toenails is kind of snaggly
and I didn't want to scratch you with it.
Oh, okay.
Had I known we were going to make love,
I would have slapped a corn pad on the little bugger.
(chuckles)
(door opens)
BOY: Mom! Damn it.
Eldridge, why aren't you with your dad?!
'Cause he's a giant douche!
Don't talk about your father that way!
He's actually a colossal douche.
Um, uh, should I go?
No, no, it's fine.
(moans)
Do we have anything to eat?!
Order a pizza!
I've got company!
Is it Dave?!
No! Jimmy?
No!
He's just trying to push my buttons.
Yeah, Jake's exactly the same way,
always trying to get my goat.
Now, who are Dave and Jimmy?
Shh, shh, shh.
ELDRIDGE: Please don't tell me
you're doing Jake's loser dad!
I'm a divorced mother with a 16-year-old son!
I can't be picky!
Now, shut your pie hole!
I hate you! I hate you right back!
(door slams)
So... where were we?
Um... are you sure you don't want
to spend some time with your son?
I just did.
Fair enough.
Can you tell I got my boobs done?
Oh, no. They, uh, they feel very natural.
Oh, good.
That kid absolutely ruined the first set.
Same thing happened to my ex-wife.
By the time Jake got through with them,
they looked like a couple of windsocks on a quiet day. Yeah.
Oh, just, uh, just FYI,
I'm all original equipment. Ah.
Aside from, you know, a little anal bleaching.
What?
Oh, it was an accident.
I, uh, sat on a Clorox bottle by mistake.
Story for another day.
(music blasts from radio)
Eldridge, turn down the freakin' music!
Yeah, well, I don't want to hear you have sex!
Then put on your headphones!
That's why I bought them for you!
(music stops)
That's better.
Come here.
Is something wrong?
Oh, no, no. Everything's great.
Are you sure, 'cause...
your toenail's the only thing poking me right now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm a little distracted.
Well, let me undistract you.
(electronic drums playing)
Son of a bitch.
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Hang in there.
We've practiced for this.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh
* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *
* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *
* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... *
* Men. *
(playing melancholy version of "Chelsea Morning")
* Woke up, it was a Chelsea morning *
* And the first thing that I heard *
* Was a song outside my window
* And the traffic wrote the words... *
Oh, give it a rest.
I miss Chelsea.
Hey. I miss the '80s,
but you don't see me snorting blow off a DeLorean.
I know he's grounded, Judith,
but why can't he be grounded at your house?
Well, I have a life, too.
Yes, I do.
Since now.
Okay, I'll tell you the truth.
I... I've got a new girlfriend
and she only gets off one night a week and...
Why is that funny?
Oh! Ha, ha.
That's the pot calling the kettle non-orgasmic,
don't you think?
Hello?
Hello? (groans)
Well, have a nice day, you miserable bitch!
Oh, oh, you're still here!
Uh, uh, have a good weekend.
You know, Zippy, you remind me of a blind cat I used to have.
Bumping into walls,
stepping into his water dish.
He was a hoot.
I called him "Magoo."
Cute.
No, he was ugly, too.
Oh, hey, Charlie, uh, you gonna be home tonight?
Why?
No. Come on.
I've got a romantic night planned, but I need somebody
to keep an eye on Jake 'cause he's grounded.
I got a better idea.
Open the front door and leave a trail of hamburgers
to the Army recruiting office.
Everybody wins but America.
Hey, uh, Berta, would you do me a favor?
Oh, Magoo, always walking into walls.
* Men. *
(floorboard creaks)
(engine starts)
(garage door closing)
(rapping on window)
(screams)
Where are you going?
I told you. I've got a date.
And I told you I'm not going to be responsible for your kid.
Oh, you don't have to be responsible for him,
just let him see you.
You know, the illusion of adult supervision.
No, no, no. I've got plans of my own.
So if you're going to go, take your kid with you.
Please, Charlie, I booked a beautiful hotel room.
And I put it on a credit card, so there's no refund.
What do you mean "a credit card"?
I'll pay you back, I swear.
Come on, it's just for one night!
I don't ask for much.
Don't ask for much? You're a human tip jar.
I'm begging you.
I already took the Cialis.
Please don't make me stay home with a boner.
You were going to make me stay home with a boner!
Okay, okay, think about this.
If it works out with me and Lyndsey,
I might be able to move out of your house and into hers.
Don't do that, Alan.
Don't toy with my heart.
All right, all right, tell you what.
Go tell Jake to pack a bag.
I'll drop him off at his mom's.
Now, you're making sense.
(tires screeching)
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
This isn't over!
Sorry!
All right, here's the deal.
I've got someone coming over tonight,
so I need you to make yourself scarce.
Are you back with Chelsea?
No, I'm not back with Chelsea.
So what's this new girl's name?
I don't know-- Jasmine, Jade.
I asked for Asian.
Who'd you ask?
Nobody.
Just get out of here for the night.
But I'm grounded. Hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey.
I don't burden you with my problems.
Hey, Eldridge. My uncle's horny.
I'll meet you at the pier.
* Men. *
This is fun, huh?
Sneaking off to a hotel room
like a couple of horny teenagers. Mm-hmm.
Of course, I never had enough money
as a teenager to afford a hotel room.
My first time was on a miniature golf course.
Inside the windmill.
No kidding. Did you get a hole in one?
Uh, well actually a hole in two.
I lost the first one taking the putter out of the bag.
(laughing)
So, uh, where was your first time?
Backstage at a Police concert.
Oh, Sting?
Little bit.
(laughing)
Can we stop at the drug store?
Oh, uh, don't worry.
I brought enough condoms to golf our brains out.
No, actually, I have to get some tampons.
Oh. Oh, you mean for just in case, right?
'Fraid not. Sorry.
Oh, no, no. Don't, don't be silly.
Um, this is more about us
spending quality time together than anything else.
I'm glad you feel that way.
Nevertheless, I do have a plan "B."
Oh, what's that?
Plan "B," Alan.
It goes with my plan "J."
Oh...
Yay!
* Men. *
ANNOUNCER (on TV): The conference said it has been informed by the NCAA...
WOMAN: So, Charlie,
how can I make you happy?
What are my choices?
Well, you paid for
the full girlfriend experience, so...
anything you want.
Anything I want. Mm-hmm.
I like that.
Okay...
Read this magazine...
...while I watch SportsCenter.
I want the girlfriend experience
and that's what my girlfriend used to do.
Okay.
And every once in a while,
look at me and sigh while rolling your eyes.
(sighs)
Oh, baby, that's what Daddy likes.
* Men. *
(Lyndsey moaning)
Cramps, huh?
LYNDSEY: No, I'm having another child.
(laughs)
Uh, you know, not that I'm complaining,
but don't you gals usually circle
this time of the month on the old calendar?
It's not an exact science, Alan.
Aw, for God's sake.
It's like the horse head scene in The Godfather.
Could be worse.
Could be the prom scene from Carrie.
That's not funny.
Sorry. Tell you what.
I will, uh, call for some room service.
Any special requests? Maybe some champagne?
Sure, whatever.
Oh, your wish is my command.
(louder): Uh, hello. Hi.
Yeah, this is Dr. Alan Harper.
I'm in room 710,
and I would like a bottle of your best champagne.
Oh, really?
You don't have anything more expensive?
All right, it'll have to do.
Also, I would like some fresh strawberries
and a dozen blue point oysters.
Well, find some.
This is a special evening and I will spare no expense.
Thank you.
LYNDSEY: Hey, Alan?
Yes, my sweet?
Can you hand me my purse?
Oh, sure.
Incoming.
Ow!
Sorry.
We're in luck.
We are?
I've still got a couple of Vicodin I stole from my son.
You stole drugs from your son?
It's only fair. He stole my youth.
All righty.
Room service.
Oh, that was quick.
* Men. *
(TV chatter)
All right, now, we've circled back around
to hockey scores, so... (TV turns off)
time for sex.
Okay.
And what kind of sex does Charlie want?
Ooh...
Hard to pick.
It's kind of like Baskin-Robbins.
You know, if they charged $1,000 a scoop.
And sprinkles are way extra.
Well, I guess if I have to choose,
my favorite kind of sex is make-up sex.
You're kidding.
No, it's great.
Here's how we do it.
I will do or say something that will really irritate you.
I can imagine that happening.
And then we'll have an argument,
which will escalate into a fight.
You'll sulk, I'll pout.
Then after a couple of minutes, we'll look at each other
and realize we're being silly, and how lucky we are to have each other.
Then I will take you in my arms
and we'll hump our brains out.
Fine. How do we start?
Let me think.
All right.
Go in the bathroom and look in the sink.
What?
Just-just do it. Trust me.
Oh, God, it's disgusting!
Good, go with that.
Would it kill you to rinse out the sink after you shave?
Sorry.
All right, I forgive you.
No, no-no, no, no, no, no. Not yet.
Make me work for it.
Okay.
Damn it, Charlie,
you're the most thoughtless man in the world.
Oh, come on, I'll rinse out the sink when I brush my teeth.
You haven't brushed your teeth yet?
What kind of a pig are you?
Nice touch.
But just remember, you're not really mad about the whiskers.
You're mad, 'cause I don't listen to you
and I don't like your friends
and I said snide things about your mother.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, so...
when do we get to the "humping our brains out"?
Oh, we're not even close.
This goes on for hours.
Take this and pretend like you're working.
Oh, sweetie, I don't have to pretend.
How would you feel about slapping some
greasy skin cream all over your face?
Where you going with this?
I'm just talking skin cream.
What do you think, I'm some kind of freak?
Okay, but I'm not that kind of freak.
* Men. *
(music from TV)
(belches)
Whoa, that's going to attract seagulls.
Okay, let's get this over with.
Don't you want to have some room service champagne and oysters?
No. I do this better on an empty stomach.
(TV turns off)
By the way, um, I'm a little foggy from the Vicodin,
so if I fall asleep in the middle,
just give me a little tap on the shoulder.
Okay.
Come here.
You're a good kisser, Alan.
Thank you.
Better than my ex-husband.
Oh. Well, good for me.
He made up for it
below the waist, if you know what I mean.
He had big feet?
Three of them.
But only two wore shoes.
Lucky you.
Ah, don't worry.
Size doesn't matter to me.
Good to know.
In fact, in this situation,
the smaller the better.
Um... you're welcome?
(gurgling)
What the hell was that?
Um, I don't know.
(gurgling) Uh-oh.
What?
I think the oysters are making a break for it.
Excuse me.
Are you going to throw up?
I wish!
You might want to turn the TV on-- loud!
Why?
You don't want to hear what's about to happen!
* Oh... klahoma
* Where the wind comes sweeping down the plain *
* Where the waving wheat
* It sure smells sweet when the wind... *
* Men. *
All right, one grilled cheese
with avocado and bacon, extra crispy.
Oh, thank you, honey.
You realize that bacon's going to kill you.
I know.
You say you know, but you keep eating it.
Oh, come on, don't nag.
I'm not nagging, I'm concerned about you.
Fine, fine. I'll take the bacon off.
Don't do me any favors.
No-no, no. I'm doing it. I'm doing it, see?
(door opens and closes)
Who's that?
Just the kid. Jake, get in here!
We have a kid?
You didn't say anything about having a kid.
He's not ours. He's my brother's.
So what's my part in this scenario?
You don't think I'm a good role model, and yet, paradoxically,
you still want to have children with me.
What?
Did you go out even though you were grounded?
You told me to.
Don't look at me like that. He's lying.
I'm not lying.
And I'm not looking at you.
All right, all right, enough.
You, young man,
go to your room and think about what you've done.
Whatever.
I think we handled that really well.
Tough love, but I'm still the cool uncle.
Hey, if you're happy, I'm happy.
I'm very happy.
In fact, are you free tomorrow?
I'm never free, but I'm available.
Well, great.
How about you drag me to some boring museum
so I can miss the Laker game?
It's your money.
Is it okay if I go take a shower?
Well, sure. Okay.
I'll be up in a bit.
(sighs)
Still cheaper than getting married.
* Men. *
All righty. Here we are.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Believe it or not, I actually had a good time.
Really? Well, yeah.
Nice hotel, room service, no teenagers.
Um, I'm glad.
So, shall we try it again
in, you know, five or six days?
I would like that.
Okay, uh...
I don't mean to rush you, but I really
have to go home to my bathroom.
Want to use mine?
Uh, no. No, that wouldn't
be good for our relationship.
All right.
Well, bye.
Seriously, get out of the car.
* Oh... klahoma where the wind comes... *